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Going through a divorce is difficult enough as it is, but be careful to not let the divorce affect your children as well. Peter Parnes a Child Psychologist and Clinical Director of psyhology4law speaks to Dawn about how you can avoid the issues that affect your children.
and Divorce
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or children, divorce can be stressful, sad, time—and help your kids emerge from it and confusing. At any age, kids may feel feeling loved, confident, and strong. uncertain about what life will be like, or There are many ways you can help angry at the prospect of mom and dad your kids adjust to separation or splitting up for good. Divorce isn’t easy, but divorce. Your patience, reassurance, as a parent you can make the process and its effects and listening ear can minimize tenless painful for your children. sion as children learn to cope with Kathleen Cox a child Psychologist says: “A child at new circumstances. By providing any sort of age, who has ideas that they have to look routines kids can rely on, you remind after the parent, does get themselves worked up children they can count on you for stabilabout it. If the parent treats them as a confidant ity, structure, and care. And if you can then the children often do maintain a working feel the need to try and put it relationship with Helping your kids cope your ex, you can right.” with your divorce means help kids avoid Helping your kids cope with your divorce means providthe stress that providing stability ing stability in your home comes with in your home and attending to your chilwatching dren’s physical and emoparents tional needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. in conflict. Such a To make this happen, you’ll need to take care transitional time of yourself—and work as peacefully as possible can’t be without with your ex. It won’t be a seamless process, but some measure your children can move forward feeling confiof hardship, dent in your unconditional love. but you can “It is about the parents remembering that their powerfully parents and one of the things that frequently reduce your happens rely on their children and treat them children’s pain as adults when they’re feeling very needy and by making their very vulnerable and then the parents get betwell-being your top ter and recover and often get a new partner priority. and expect children to revert back to being “When going through a divorce parents have to children and that causes a great deal of prob- remember that they are still parents and that they lems and resentment,” says Kathleen. are talking to their children not their best friends or As a parent, it’s normal to feel uncertain confidants. Parenting continues even if the marriage about how to give your children the right doesn’t and at whatever age your child is, they still support through your divorce or separaneed you to be a parent especially at a time like this,” tion. It may be uncharted territory, but you says Kathleen. can successfully navigate this unsettling
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Dannielle Baker, 23, from Doncaster was 14 when she was driven to anxiety and depression after her parents split up:
“I was 14 when my parents split up. Before the split they would threaten to leave each other whenever they were angry, that’s when my anxiety started. n whe 14 I didn’t leave the house for two-weeks as vorced w i e niell s D scared that they actually would get Dan parent her divorced. I started experiencing panic attacks a few times a day, which only got worse when they argued. Then it happened, I came back from school and found that my dad was gone. I felt abandoned. There was a massive change in the whole dynamics of the family. I didn’t feel secure anymore; it was just my two younger sisters, my mum and me. It felt like it wasn’t real. My mum changed after the split. She would argue with me all of the time and go out with her friends drinking a lot. She became nasty and would say that I was selfish and threaten to kick me out. “You’re just like your father,” she would scream at me. No child wants to hear this. My dad became really depressed because he missed my mum and I felt responsible for him. He was so depressed he lost his job and whenever we went round to his house I had to go searching for food for my sisters and me, he never had anything in. I never told my mum because I knew she would stop us from seeing him. I used to give him my pocket money just so he could get us some food in. I think the most earth-shattering thing about my parents divorce was the realisation that my parents are people and not just my parents. After I started my first job at 15, my Dad used to ask me for money to pay for my sisters’ birthdays and christmas presents. I never minded as long as they got something from their dad it didn’t realy matter to me. Things got worse after my mum met her new man. Me and him didn’t get on. I didn’t like him being around the house, my mum seemed to change when he was around it was strange. He did try hard with us, but it always use to seem false to me. I decided after a while to give him a chance, after all my mum seemed happy with him. It is always different when there is a change in your family but you just have to learn to embrace that change and not be afraid of it. I don’t see my dad very much any more, he has met someone and he seems really happy. I don’t hate my parents I just wish that they had dealt with things a little better. I wouldn’t have grown up believing it was all my fault.”
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Peter Parnes, Child Psychologist and Clinical Director for Psychology4Law explains how parents can do more damage than good by hiding the truth from their children.
Natasha Todd, 24, Glasgow was told far too much by her parents after their split when she was 20 years old:
“My parents splitting up was never a sit down talk. It was a process of two-years of not really knowing what was going on. It was never clean cut so to speak. There were loads factors involved like depression, cheating and mind games. I h’s 1 Tas was the older child so I was in the middle. At 2 told her mum My parents thought they could tell me anything and believe me they did. They told me about their new lovers and what their sex lives were like. I was caught in the middle as they played constant mind games with each other. My mum would talk about how my Dad didn’t appreciate her and my Dad would say how much my mum had changed. I felt like I was being pulled apart. At first things my parents did shocked me, but not any more. If anything it made me see how human my parents are. I’ve seen a side to my parents that I wish I had never seen - the flaws. There’s nothing wrong with having flaws because we all have them. It just made me look at my parents differently and made me think that they are not as wise as I once thought they were.”
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here parents have been unclear and have not told their children a story to why their relationship is ending or ended, this has had a somewhat detrimental emotional and psychological effect on the child. This can lead to long-term effects not only on their education but also on how they form relationships with others in the future. On the other side if this however, parents who tell their children too much and rely on them as confidants can put an unwarranted amount of pressure on their children as they feel they have to look after their parents. In a lot of cases parents tend to assume that their children don’t know what is going on, and get worked up or scared about talking to their children about what’s happening because they think it makes matters worse. But, in most situations, even with pre-school children, kids are invariably aware that something is happening with their parents. That is quite a difficult situation for children to manage without an understanding from their parents as to what is going on and why. Kids need to know in the same way adults need to know, what is going to happen to them and their family. What parents tend to do is leave their children in the dark about what is going on. Children then have to keep guessing which increases their stress and anxiety.