Sinner Newspaper Dec 2010

Dec - 2010

UNMASKED UNMASKED Cover Image by

Juli Penny

News, Rants & Politics

The HoliDaze & The Indy Maze

While a majority of consumers and media pundits in this capitalistic world obsess with Black Fridays and Cyber Mondays during the holidays, the endless consumption of shallow gifts in the name of false idols (Santa) and pagan sons (Jesus), independent publishers are far more occupied by graver issues than the purchases of cheap flat screens and I-Pads for friends and family. Most indy publishers are just trying to figure out how to work in family and friends during the holidays between deadlines, ad sales, public relations, photo shoots, interviews, front covers, deliveries, internal squabbles, day-to-day bull-shit, the day job, and the always mounting debt. For a seasoned independent publisher it’s always tempting to run away from the burden this beast bares and spend the holidays with the folks and kids. There’s little-to-no rest at the end of the month for the truly wicked, or us foolish – or time. The only alternative is to celebrate XMAS, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and the Fourth of July the week prior, putting those closest to you second and third in line when they expect to be first. And I promise that makes the holidays a bit Holi-dazed, in case I lost with you with the heading.

If that’s not mad enough to twist the most sane mind into a salty pretzel, the holidays burden another unmanageable task for an indy publisher, balancing all of the above while you race across country on a shoe-string budget to visit family and friends. And given the right weather conditions – snow, torrential rain, ice, sleet – it can feel like running blind through a maze of unforeseen obstacles with creatures leaping from every turn endangering the little life you have left. Real scary shit. And I’m not talking about brain-eating zombies or rabid monkeys or even aliens from outer space scary. I’m talking about the mindless jackasses you pass on these trips, oblivious to the world, steering a lethal machine of steel and glass, possessed by nothing more than the obsession of rushing from one location to another with no regard for their safety or yours. But that’s just another thorn of the holi-daze... or so I warn.

And now, for this functioning dysfunctional,the daze only spins faster as we once again try to print two publications in two cities some two-thousand miles apart.

It’s the idea of playing corperation with out knowing how to spell corporation. It’s being corporate in theory without enjoying the luxury of executive editors, managing editors, circulation managers, advertising executives, production managers, professional writers, graphic designers, web developers, etc. You could say it’s lacking all the “corporate” that makes a paper readable and profitable. And if you think that sounds like shit, well, that’s only the fumes your smelling from this pile of defecation called indy publishing. And I promise the pile I speak of is way over knee-deep; it actually settles about chin-level.

If you don’t think that will make your head spin until you vomit, you better think again. But that’s indy publishing, an endeavor that deserves second, if not third, thought.

In third thought, I considered dropping the Seattle paper completely. Continuing that publication didn’t make sense from the most dangerous city in the country, St. Louis, Missouri – too much other scary shit to worry about. It didn’t make sense – or cents – financially speaking since we are two thousand miles away. But not everything we do in this short run should be based on sense or cents, especially in indy publishing. Indy publishing is about something far more valuable than spent cents or lost sense. But loosing sense never puts

you in a hole; lost cents will. To satisfy the gods of nonsense and noncents, I decided to sacrifice both papers and make one, this one I hope you’re now holding. It’s the first edition of the Seattle and St. Louis Sinner ever printed – maybe even the only one. So tell us what you think, let us know what was right, and wrong – what was cool, and confusing. There’s nothing that can be said that’ll hurt my feelings. I’m used to criticism, I’ve been doing this shit for over eight years, so I’ve heard it all.

Now that it’s all written, published and shipped – this madness of two papers, two cities, one publication – I can only attempt to look ahead. I could pray to god for guidance this next year, or pretend to for your Christian approval and that of potential advertisers, but that would not be me or this eight-year-old endeavor. Instead, I will be honest and critical of myself and this publication. And that’s not very Christian, but neither is this sinner. So in ending I will share my top 5 resolutions for 2011 as I await the end of all this madness in 2012 – that is if you believe all that hocus-pocus about the end of the world and the second-coming of Christ or Santa or The Great Spaghetti Monster. As an independent publisher I don’t have that luxury, either. I’m too busy thinking of the next issue, the next band, the next artist, the next fear, etc...

1. I will never again wait till 10:52 am, two days before print, to begin a new edition of The Sinner, especially when we have to add eight pages for two cities. Nor shall I do so drunk, like now, which is the true culprit behind so much of my sloth and error in print and judgement.

Resolutions & Restitutions

2. This new year I will not refer to any nitwits, jackasses, cowards or bull-shitters as cock-suckers or motherfuckers. Nor will I use those words again, unless totally appropriate – which is highly probable given where I live.

3. I will make a sincere effort to be a better sales rep to our many great clients. I stink so bad at it, that I can only improve. Of course, this one means laying off the Turkey too. So thanks to every one of you... and Guitar Doug!

4. I will attempt to be less perverted, at least around the wife who despises my sexist and perverted comments during television shows, movies, commercials, conversation, etc. I guess the alcohol may kill germs but it doesn’t make my mouth any cleaner.

5. Last, I want to put myself in other people’s shoes more often, and not in the perverted fetish way – even though I could spin that one. Seriously, I want to spend time on the streets during this winter. I want to spend some time with those less fortunate than my self, which is a stretch in my situation. At least on this one, drinking won’t cause any damage – well, the liver, but who wants to live forever?

That last one has been on my mind for years, but the wife has restrained me from spending a week on the streets. I think I developed an obsession with it years ago while traveling through a Native American Reservation in the south west. Not all of them have casinos and cheap cigarettes. A lot of them are desolate wastelands with nothing more than a market with a post office. It’s pretty disturbing if you think about it, or it should be. This past thanksgiving I got to spend a few days with a true Native American who grew up on a reservation. I had to ask him how he felt about celebrating Thanksgiving? He laughed and said, “Hey man, that was our holiday to begin with until you white folks took it from us... now we just agree on the day since the white man made it a federal holiday.” I guess that’s one way to look at. But I think I’d prefer a little restitution if it were me. And I’m not talking about desolate wastelands... maybe a few major US cities like New York or Los Angeles. But that’s just me with a glass of Turkey talkin’.

And that, my sinful reader, is just another tale of fear and publishing in two cities...

2. Fear and Publishing 3. What Next, Horatio?

4. Weapons of Mass Distraction 5. Stop The Drug War

6. Piper’s Pit

7. Has Our Country Lost Sight Of What It Means To Be Free?

Music, Film, Art & Entertainment 8. Zeke Unmasked 9. Zeke Poster

10. Huggy Talk 11. PBR anniversary photo collage 13. Cutthroat Shamrock 14. The Scam Unmasked 15. Warner Drive 16. The Scam Poster 18. Check This Shit Out 20. One Tends To Drink A Lot 21. No Reservations 22. Kicktails with Krysztof 24. A Year Of Sinful Art In Review 25. Margot Birds Dark Sense Of Humor

Religion, Sex, & Other Sinner Shit 23. Skin Deep With Stu 26. Bitchin’ With Buddha 27. Firestairs To Heaven

28. Campfire Tales

29. Serial Killer Horrorscope 30. This I Shamelessly Tell You 31. Ask The Slut

Publisher: Chuck Foster - Layout: Terri Daniels Cover Art : Juli Penny - Model Ashley McDonough WRITERS, RANTERS, OPINIONISTS & OTHER ALL-OUT FREAKS: Mark Taylor-Canfield Paul Blow Lucifer Saab Lofton Malice Henry Nicolle Bill Oberg Stu Lauren Napie Kimberly Peters

Matthew Gorman Emily Eufinger Gabriel Zolman Gina Simon Jason Sibert Guitar Doug ALX Betty X Rajkhet Dirzhud-Rashid Kendra Holliday

The Sinner is a group of contributing writers. Their opinions, rants and ideas do not necessarily reflect the views of The Sinner itself. The Sinner encourages contributions from its readers but retains the right to edit material due to content or length of submission.

For advertising or submission information, contact us at chuck@theseattlesinner.com. Submission deadline is the 25th of every month.

Has Our Country Lost Sight Of What It Means To Be Free?

By Jason Sibert

I

Open Christmas Day At 4:20

n a time of domestic economic malaise and uncertainty overseas it seems to me that we’ve lost our ability to control the world around them. We vote in elections to protest the status quo and not to uphold values we find sacred, we make decisions on war and peace based not on reason but on a phony view of patriotism that says that the state always knows best even though accumulated knowledge says otherwise.

But there is good news! And the good news is that we are living and creative beings – science tells us so. One of the conclusions of modern quantum physics is that human consciousness has a revolutionary potential. Quantum Physics’ Principle of Uncertainty tells us it’s impossible with any of science’s principles to determine the position or velocity of an electron, or to state positively where the electron is. In other words, it’s impossible to understand the smallest components of the universe; the barrier between man and whatever exists is impassable. If we can’t identify electrons by total empirical methods, that means we have to use our own creativity in indentifying such things. It’s the principle known as mind that guides our understanding of his world and whenever man attempts to figure out the universe he changes and distorts the world by his observation. What an awesome power we have! In helping to create the world we can go beyond physics and into the world of metaphysics!

Even though the Principle of Uncertainty might keep us from understanding the ultimate force behind world, a spiritual force we’ll never understand, we have the gift of freedom. Galileo, Copernicus, Darwin and Einstein presented big ideas about nature and changed the world we live in today. We have the television today because of Einstein’s Photoelectric Law. The world of art also forces us to look at the world in a different way. The world of Van Gough, Picasso, Emerson and Whitman has also changed our world for the better.

What is the greatest enemy of that freedom? The answer is authoritarianism - those forces, educational, religious, economic, or political that work to limit our potential to understand our world and improve upon it. Authoritarian belief systems allow us to release our freedom to a greater person or idea. I only have to listen to talk radio, watch talk oriented television shows or listen to any number of contemporary religious leaders to see examples of this.

What gives authoritarian voices their power? There’s only one answer - people surrender their freedom to those voices because they offer simple solution’s to life’s problems. This often has dangerous consequences, as we can see in the politics of Nazi Germany, Soviet Russia and in the religious followers of Rev. Jim Jones, David Koresh and Osama Bin Laden.

How can we prevent the forces of authoritarianism from strengthening their hold? What can we do to make sure that the future Emerson’s, Einstein’s, and Van Gough’s aren’t lost? It’s called resistance to authority, something I think is fading away in a country battered by war and the worst economy in generations. I don’t see many reasonable voices working toward solutions to our problems. Instead, I see us in the streets at political demonstrations physically fighting each other, screaming at each other on radio and television programs and becoming more polarized and less reasonable than ever.

One of the humanistic values I take out of the Principle of Uncertainty is that human life is worth living because we can reshape it into something different than it is – something from the metaphysical dimension. Is anyone looking to the metaphysical dimension, created in our own minds, for a view of the future? I think it’s a world that’s being shut off by the course nature of our culture and our media.

Who can communicate metaphysical ideas to us and help us work toward a better future? I don’t think the world is totally closed. I can see it in the small art gallery’s in our city and in the work of other dreamers – inventors, poets, essayists, and scientists. In our city and society in general there is a group of people who are honestly pursuing a better world. I can’t write a manifesto on how we pursue this world, as I’m not going to make a fool out of myself and be a big know it all on the subject.

But I only hope some will read this tract and experience a personal fire ignited in their hearts and minds.

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The Portland Bomb Plot: What’s The Real Story?

written by Mark Taylor-Canfield

A

ccording to court documents submitted by the FBI, Mohamud Osman Mohamud planned a “spectacular show” on November 26th in Portland, Oregon during the city’s annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony. Allegedly, he attempted to detonate a bomb at Pioneer Courthouse Square where witnesses estimate that approximately 10,000 people had gathered to celebrate the holiday season.

Parked nearby was a van containing six 55 gallon tanks of what he thought was explosive material complete with detonation cords and plastic caps.

According to law enforcement officials, he tried to detonate the bomb using a cell phone. Federal agents and police arrested Mohamud after his second attempt to set off the explosive device.

Mohamud Osman Mohamud is a 19 year-old US citizen who was born in Somalia. He graduated from high school in Beaverton, Oregon and he had been enrolled at Oregon State University.

A law enforcement official who was “not authorized to discuss the case publicly” spoke to the Associated Press on condition of anonymity for an article published on November 28th. This unnamed source told the AP that rumors of foreign assistance from Islamic terrorist groups were inaccurate. The anonymous source informed them that “no foreign terrorist organization was directing him.”

In fact, the accomplice who accompanied Mohamud Osman Mohamud to the site of the alleged bomb plot was actually an undercover FBI agent. The FBI also provided the fake bomb, detonation cords, plastic caps and 55 gallon drums as part of what they describe as a sting operation. Although these types of infiltrations into criminal organizations are usually launched for the purpose of capturing networks of co-conspirators or “sleeper cells”, so far only one other person of interest has been implicated in the alleged bombing conspiracy – an unnamed “unindicted associate.”

The undercover FBI agent had been with Mohamud in the white van when they traveled to Portland. They parked the van near the tree lighting ceremony. The undercover operative and Mohamud then left the vehicle at Pioneer Courthouse Square and went to a local train station where the agent gave him a cell phone.

Mohamud was told that he could use the phone to detonate the bomb.

The defendant’s legal team and some members of the Portland mosque that Mohamud attended have joined together to protest the FBI’s handling of the case. They claim the FBI is guilty of entrapment and that without their agents’ constant encouragement, the suspect would never have planned to commit such a violent act.

Some critics of these kinds of law enforcement operations have argued that the FBI uses some of the same kinds of tactics used by Al Qaeda and

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other violent Islamic terrorist organizations. They say federal agents simply saw an opportunity and chose to exploit it completely. Mohamud Osman Mohamud could have been an easy target to corrupt if that’s what really happened. According to the US government’s affidavit, he was already seeking contact with militant groups in Pakistan.

The FBI’s critics maintain that with enough encouragement, Mohamud was persuaded to follow through with a plan that was only made possible by the assistance of his perceived allies – the undercover FBI agents who were posing as Islamic extremists. The Associated Press reports that it was the FBI contact who suggested to Mohamud Osman Mohamud that he should “research potential targets.”

The FBI court affidavit claims that the agency only facilitated the bombing plan after their suspect had already expressed his interest in becoming “operational”. The FBI contact first met with him on June 30th. Previously, agents had posed as “jihadists” in email exchanges with him.

The FBI claims their agency was originally contacted by “someone concerned about him”. This raises an extremely pertinent question – were they tipped off by a member of his mosque or by an FBI informant? In addition, could the FBI informant actually have been an infiltrator within the mosque? As of this publication date, law enforcement officials have provided no further information concerning either the so-called “unindicted associate” or the FBI’s original informant.

During their meeting in June, the undercover FBI agent posed as a religious extremist and asked Mohamud what he was willing to sacrifice for the cause of jihad. The agent suggested that he could help in various ways, including becoming a martyr.

According to the FBI, Mohamud responded by saying he needed training before he was ready to become ‘operational”.

Apparently, the agent indicated he would provide access to an explosives expert.

Mohamud allegedly provided components for the weapon by mailing them to undercover FBI agents. He was told they would assemble the device for him.

On August 19th there was another meeting at a Portland hotel with two undercover agents.

The FBI says Mohamud informed them that he had chosen a site – Pioneer Courthouse Square. On November 4th they say the alleged terrorist made a video in the presence of one of the FBI agents. Reading a statement, he talked about his dream to bring “a dark day” to Americans. According to court documents, he also supposedly criticized his parents who he claims “held me back from jihad in the cause of Allah…”

The fallout from this case has proven to be just as significant and controversial as the original event.

Speaking for the members of the Portland mosque,

Imtiaz Khan, President of the Islamic Center of Portland, questioned the FBI sting operation. He is quoted in the New York Times saying, “Why allow it to get to this public stage? To put the community on edge?”

On November 28th someone set a fire at the Portland mosque where Mohamud Osman Mohamud had been a member.

Mohamud’s attorneys, Public Defenders Stephen Sady and Steve Wax, have also been critical of the FBI’s public handling of the case. They accuse the US Department of Justice of grandstanding. They claim the FBI used their official court affidavit as a press release when the agency posted it to the media in what some skeptics claim was a veiled attempt to influence public opinion before a controversial trial. Their client has entered a plea of “not guilty”. Mohamud’s legal team states that the information released by the government actually causes them to ask the question, “Did the US government manifest a crime?”

The defense team points out that the FBI says it was unable to record audio from the first meeting between Mohamud and their undercover operative. Since this recording would have been important evidence in their attempt to prove their argument that the FBI is guilty of entrapment, the defense attorneys asked the judge to order the FBI to turn over the recording equipment that was used at that meeting. Possibly, the defense attorneys may seek to gain possession of the recording device for examination by audio experts who will be looking for any evidence of tampering. Remember the 18 minutes of missing audio on the Nixon Watergate tapes? Whatever the case may be, Judge John Acosta ruled in favor of the defense and has ordered that the recording equipment must be preserved.

Attorney General Eric Holder maintains that the government’s case against the defendant is solid. In reference to the FBI’s sting operation Holder claims that Mohamud, “chose at every step to continue” to pursue the plan.

Portland Mayor Sam Adams was not notified of the situation until 9:15 AM on the morning that the event was scheduled to take place. He had been chosen to act as Master of Ceremonies at Pioneer Courthouse Square.

“It was very unnerving,” he said. “It came as a shock to me, as I’m sure it did for most Portlanders.”

When questioned by reporters about why the FBI waited so long to tell him about the sting operation, Adams responded, “On these international terrorism investigations, it’s top secret, limited to select law enforcement circles.”

Mayor Sam Adams wants the city of Portland to join with the FBI’s Joint Terrorism Task Force (JTTF) in the wake of the alleged attempted bombing.

But Portland’s top law enforcement officer, Police Chief Mike Reese, vehemently opposes Portland’s participation in the JTTF. According to The Oregonian, “Once state and local police officers join the FBI’s JTTF they are beyond the reach of their home agency supervisors, legal counsel or civilian authorities. When Portland was a part of the JTTF, Portland officers were not subject to the oversight or command of the Police Chief, the Police Commissioner or the City Attorney.”

The issue has sparked a heated debate in Portland since the City Commissioners voted 4-1 to pull their police officers out of the JTTF in April of 2005.

Originally, when the issue was first presented to the public in 2001, they voted in favor of joining with the JTTF over the protests of Commissioner Charlie Hales who called the decision an “erosion” of local authority.

Currently the JTTF works with police and emergency response agencies across the nation.

The Bill of Rights Defense Committee reports that JTTF is most active in Minnesota, Maryland, Alabama, California and Washington, DC. States with the least amount of cooperation between local law enforcement and the JTTF include: Alaska, Washington, and Oregon.

Some conspiracy theorists might conclude that the FBI’s sting operation and the subsequent high profile arrest of the Somali teenager Mohamud Osman Mohamud was designed from the beginning to force Portland to cooperate with the JTTF. In any case, the result is that a new round of debate has begun, with the mayor taking the side of federal law enforcement agencies.

Meanwhile, Portland Police Chief Mike Reese is still adamantly proclaiming his refusal to go along. He says he will not allow his officers to be controlled by the FBI and other federal agencies. Some observers predict that a major high noon-style showdown is inevitable between the mayor of Portland and his appointed police chief. What lies in the balance could be the future of law enforcement in the Rose City.

Will Mike Reese resign as Chief of Police when city commissioners vote with Mayor Adams to join the Joint Terrorism Task Force? Many insiders who are familiar with Portland politics say Reese will not compromise on this issue. They say he will have only one choice left – leave his post to protest the JTTF. How that might effect public sentiment is still an open question. Reese’s position would be filled by an appointee approved by the mayor and the city commissioners. They would obviously pick a new police chief willing to work with the feds. In the coming weeks the city of Portland will be embroiled in a major struggle over this issue. For Police Chief Mike Reese and Mayor Sam Adams, the struggle has become a battle for political survival.

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StoptheDrugWar.org Willie Nelson Wants Marijuana Legalization “Teapot Party”

by Phillip Smith

After his third pot possession bust in five years, country music legend Willie Nelson has had enough.

He told former High Times editor Steve Bloom’s CelebStoner web site Sunday it is time for a new, promarijuana political party.

“There’s the Tea Party. How about the Photo by Bob Tilden Teapot Party? Our www.wikipedia.org motto: We lean a little to the left,” Nelson said. “Tax it, regulate it and legalize it, and stop the border wars over drugs. Why should the drug lords make all the money? Thousands of lives will be saved.”

A Willie Nelson’s Teapot Party Facebook page went online Sunday, as well.

Nelson was arrested Friday at a border checkpoint in Sierra Blanca, Texas, on Friday after officials smelled marijuana. They searched the vehicle with drug-sniffing dogs and found six ounces of pot. Nelson was arrested and jailed until he posted a $2,500 bond later that afternoon.

Nelson’s arrest was just one of what are likely to be around 900,000 pot busts this year, the vast majority for simple possession. Last year, more than 850,000 people were arrested for marijuana offenses.

Despite a raft of recent polls showing increasing support for marijuana legalization nationwide and majority support on the West Coast, the number of members of Congress showing any interest in moving toward marijuana legalization remains in the single digits OR can be counted on one hand. However, there have been rumors of support in some influential Democratic circles for marijuana legalization as a get-out-the-vote strategy. Dozens of Democratic organizations in California lent their endorsement to this year’s Prop 19 ballot initiative, as did the Republican Liberty Caucus.

Open Everyday At Noon

Deverie FX

This Week's Corrupt Cops Stories Sticky-fingered law enforcement seems to be the theme this week. Let’s get to it: In Maywood, Illinois, a Maywood police officer was charged November 24 with stealing cash from suspects after being snared in a federal sting operation. Officer Robert Welch, a tactical officer focused on suppressing gang activity, went down after the mother of an African-American youth he had stopped and frisked complained that he stole $20 from the boy. In the subsequent sting, Welch stole $240 from an undercover FBI agent he had detained as a drug suspect. He admitted ripping off other suspects, usually drug suspects, for the past six months. He is on administrative leave.

In San Antonio, Texas, two former Bexar County narcotics detectives were indicted November 24 on charges related to their work on the Bexar County Narcotics Unit. Deputy Charles Flores was indicted on five counts, including theft by a public servant $1,500 to $20,000, misapplication by a fiduciary, and aggravated perjury. Deputy Anthony Alvarado was indicted on four counts, including theft by public servant $1,500 to $20,000; misapplication by a fiduciary and abuse of official capacity. Aggravated perjury and theft by public servants are both third-degree felonies, punishable by two to 10 years in prison. The other charges are state jail felonies, punishable by up to two years in state jail.

In Los Angeles, a state narcotics agent was arrested November 16 on charges he stole money from drug suspects. California Department of Justice Bureau of Narcotics Agent Gabriel Baltodano, 35, went down in a sting in which he stole $33,000 from an undercover agent.

He came under internal investigation after fellow agents were “alerted to the possibility” he was stealing cash from drug suspects. He is charged with grand theft and embezzlement and is looking at up to four years in state prison. His bail was set at $125,000.

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No War But The Class War written by Saab Lofton “The line must be drawn here -- this far, no further ..!”

– an often heard line in Star Trek For me, the political has always been personal.

For instance, as I once said in a commentary...

“Even I come fairly close to approximating life in the United Federation of Planets: I’m on food stamps and I live in subsidized housing so I can afford to write full time... And if anybody’s got a problem with that, tell the corporately-owned mass media to stop censoring me, hire my black ass and pay me enough to buy my own house, ‘cause I’d rather die like a samurai than stock shelves at WalMart!” ...and no pun intended, but I’m being dead serious. My fragile lifestyle is paid for, at least to some extent, via taxation. The problem is the level of ignorance in America today is at an all time high; the corporately-funded and FOX News-hyped Tea Party has jedi mind tricked the masses into “thinking” (note the quotes) that someone like me is supposedly a burden which is somehow draining the economy. This, of course, is 100% pure, uncut bullshit, seeing as how...

“Wealthfare – the money government gives away to corporations and wealthy individuals – costs us more than $815 billion a year. That’s more than four times what we spend on welfare for the poor.”

--Mark Zepezauer, from his book, Take the Rich off Welfare ...however, the aforementioned isn’t exactly as famous as bread and circuses such as LeBron James or Lindsay Lohan, is it? Unfortunately not, since a handful of taxphobic corporations own every major MASS media outlet there is...

“The lack of diversity in ownership helps explain the lack of diversity in the news... the media watchers Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting (FAIR) looked at who appeared on the evening news on ABC, CBS and NBC. Ninetytwo percent of all U.S. sources interviewed were white, 85 percent were male, and where party affiliation was identifiable, 75 percent were Republican.”

– The Seattle Times, April 3rd, 2005 A century ago, black men were lynched for even thinking about being near a white woman because of ignorance. Now, at the dawn of the 21st century, I may end up homeless because of ECONOMIC ignorance. Well, I meant what I said: I’d rather die than work a day job; I’ve proven myself as an author FAR too many times to do anything else, so if those teabaggers who recently wormed their way into Congress decide to deprive me of my welfare, it’s WAR. Granted, there’s not much that I can do, other than commit seppuku (the ritual suicide required of those who live by the samurai code if they’re ever dishonored) if I’m evicted BEFORE being able to afford a home via some miraculous success akin to Sly Stallone’s. That leaves the other 250 million Americans who are NOT Republican and may very well choose to take up arms to defend themselves against the rapacious corporate elite and the politicians it owns.

To anyone tempted enough to seriously contemplate armed

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insurrection, let me make this perfectly clear: It’s only glamorous after you win – until then, you’re a fugitive, and if you’re caught, you’re just another terrorist in the eyes of the ignorant.

In the year 2010, Robin Hood is England’s Greatest Legend, but back when he was doing his thing, people thought of him as England’s Most Wanted. If you can handle life on the run and under the gun, good luck ... ...if you caN’T, then I highly suggest you cut those damn video games off, quit obsessing over those sports results or celebrity scandals and remember the words of my mentor...

“The ultimate solution is not with the people on top. The ultimate solution is for people in the streets to create an atmosphere for people on top to be accountable.”

– Professor Howard Zinn (1922 - 2010) ...specifically, this means the following...

1) If you’re a musician (rock, rap, whatever), you better sober up and arrange a benefit concert every single weekend for the Peace Movement (since paying for those increasingly expense Oil Wars is the REAL drain on our economy). If you’re not, organize bake sales, fashion shows and other fund raisers on a regular basis.

2) Hold what I call Pizza Screenings: Find someplace where you can regularly play leftwing movies (Bullworth, Canadian Bacon, Erin Brockovich, V for Vendetta, Star Trek: The Voyage Home, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, etc., etc.) for large audiences and provide enough pizza/ soda for everyone.

3) Dress up like zombies and stagger around military recruiting stations – remind those recruiters (and potential recruits) that the military-industrial complex traffics in DEATH...

Be sure to frequently moan the word “brains” because military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Oh, am I being redundant? Have I made similar suggestions in the past? Well, I’m trying to save lives – I’m NOT under any obligation to impress or entertain y’all! The future of this planet and its people are on the line, so ACT accordingly.

“This is your wake up call, pal. Go to work.”

–Gordon Gekko, Wall Street

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ESSAY

What

Next, Horatio?

by Henry Nicolle

“ALAS, POOR YORICK.” We all come to the same end, if we live long enough. How many readers noticed that the preceding sentence exceeded logic by two simple words? If we live at all, we find ourselves in an identical condition. Human-kind has not improved their lot in all of history. We live until we die, rarely giving due consideration to the processes within which we submit our living. We live as our Masters declare we must and argue only the depth of our degradation. As we argue, we only argue amongst ourselves and never with our Masters. We change nothing.

Can sheep argue with the shepherd? Can the flock argue with the shearer? They could, but they do not. It is not their way. Nor is it ours, human-kind.

Human-kind is composed of two kinds: Killers and Sacrifices. Those who lead our various communities are all Killer-kinds. They lead the Sacrifice-kind.

Among the Sacrifice-kind are Cowardly-killers, the ones who rush to kill in the shadow and shield of “Authority and Patriotism”. The remainder are, without exception, aiders and abetters of the Killers of both kinds. They feed, cloth, arm and support the Killer-kind. They provide the Bodies, the Wealth and Approval for the Killer-kind's ambitions. They often complain of their exploitation and ruin, but they never resist the demands of the Killer-kind Masters.

The Killer-kind ends justify their means. They will coerce, ruin, injure and kill those who oppose their ambitions, hesitating only briefly to consider the most expedient or effective level of barbarism imaginable to advance their visions of present and future.

The Sacrifice-kind are predisposed to convenience, comfort and pleasure. They are satisfied by cooperation and friendly persuasion. They are reluctant to injure or kill, even to defend against being injured or killed. The Killer-kind are not so inhibited as they pursue their ambitions and pleasures.

I have been writing essays for The Sinners now for a bit more than three years. I enjoy the task and value the privilege of the forum I have been given. I read each issue cover-to-cover with a greedy eye, appreciating the talent and sweat which creates the content and pushes each fledgling view into grubby public hands or into the nebulous aether of the Internet. Of The Sinners' content, mine is undoubtedly the least researched and most carelessly executed. This makes me feel a little puzzled that I am still published, surrounded as I am by better writers and more interesting topics. It also prods my curiosity to ask “Why?” and urges me to explore America's bi-polar psyche.

I wonder where we are now headed, The Sinners and our readers? Reading any issue of either Sinner quickly impresses a reader with The Sinner's writers' broad awareness of our complex predicament in America. Recognition of the Killer-kind and Sacrifice-kind permeate The Sinners' articles, essays and editorials through a spectrum of expression.. The businesses and services screech their warnings with a hundred levels of nuance, “Beware the Killer-Kind!”.

It is patently obvious what I am saying is not news to any of us, so why mention it at all? Because it begs the question, “What next?” Will there be no change of our response to the Killer-kind's demands? Will we not resist or deny; will we continue to submit to insanity, hoping that we will not be the next one snatched up, ground up and fed to the Killer-kind's dogs?

There is no purity of purpose in America today. We are the Cowardly-killer kind. We do not have the courage to get our own hands bloody nor to end the ruinous ambitions of our Killerkind. We praise the Killer-kind's “Social Sensitivity” with our indifference to their mayhem and murder.

We claim to be generous and caring. Our noblesse oblige was learned from Robin Hood, characterized by his Sheriff's ruin, injury and murder, justified by distribution of a small portion of our booty to those we deem “in need”.

It is neither charitable to steal from one to be charitable to another of our kind, nor honorable to kill some to obtain control of all the others. Those processes are theft and murder by any rational definition.

It is antithetical to our philosophy and hypocritical to ape the lies of our Killer-kind, to proclaim our thefts, killing and thievery “Our Duty to Make Our Homeland and the World Secure for Democracy!”.

Our Killer-kind demand we sacrifice our Liberty, Prosperity and Free-Will at home and make Mortal Enemies of the People of the world. Our enemies are the Killer-kind, the Sacrifice-kind and their Cowardly-killer enablers. Their bloodied hands and feet are ours. Look in the mirror and claim “One person can do nothing.” Confirm the Killer-kind.

What next, Horatio?

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Raising Hell With Guitar Doug written by Guitar Doug photos by Rachel Shaw Tate

UNMASKED knows, I know the bands and what kind of music that should be at the 2 bit. The 2 bit reminds me of the lake union pub, or the Funhouse, only in Ballard.

What local bands are you into right now, and why?

I’m into, Witchburn, Brothers of the Sonic Clot and Ancient Warriors for that heavy stoner Black Sabbath thing. I like the Insurgence when I need a dose of hardcore with some rock thrown in. I like Bob Wayne for Outlaw Country, I never get tired of the Loadlevelers and for some good rock/punk rock, the Schmidtaholics, Neutralboy, Dragstrip Riot, Spittin’ Cobras and All Bets on Death.

T

his is the 4th anniversary of my column and I want to take a few lines to thank all the people who have pitched in to help me get it out each month. A Special thanks goes to my good friend Rob, from RJB photo, who has been crucial to the success of this column.

Ninety-percent of the posters and pictures that have been featured in my column were shot by him. And it’s flattering to find almost every one them plastered across the walls of every band practice space that I have ever walked into in Seattle.

Thanks also to Jesce at The 2 Bit, Dickey of PH2, and Chris at The J&M, who literally made this issue of The Sinner possible, by stepping up to the plate and supporting what we do by advertising. This issue would not have seen the light of day without those three people or our core group of advertisers.

It’s our job out in the rock scene to submit coverage of live rock shows, pictures, stories, reviews, band news, club news and everything else we need to keep this rock community afloat. Otherwise, we can’t complain that there is not enough media coverage on rock music in Seattle. Those interested can submit info to Chuck at chuck@theseattlesinner.com, or find me online for more details. This magazine is called a forum for a reason. It’s set up as a community resource for us, the people out in the bars and clubs.

And no, I don’t make a penny writing this monstrous and time consuming column every month. It’s to help you folks, not me. RJB doesn’t charge a dime for the expensive photo shoots he is doing for you guys either, which are worth hundreds of dollars. Chuck and Terri don’t make a dime from The Sinner, either. They do it for you, not themselves. And guys like Paul from The Space Cretins is doing this to help out the scene. People like Lauren from Cream City and Betty X are doing this to help out the scene too. All busy people, all contributing to The Sinner.

Just a little something to think about when you ask where the heck is the new copy of The Sinner, featuring the bands people are actually into at the rock clubs…

Now to Zeke, who should be a household name to anyone who reads this column, so I won’t burn up valuable interview space trying to sell you on the band.

It’s Zeke for Christ’s sake.

I have been talking with Donny Paycheck of Zeke for over a year about this interview. We figured it would be best if we cranked it out for you folks when we had some special Zeke news in a special month. The Christmas

issue is always a fast mover, so here you have it.

Zeke has a huge show coming up on December 31st at El Corazon, playing on the same bill as Reverend Horton Heat and The Dwarves, which I strongly suggest.

There are so many good rock shows around that night, I personally will be bar hopping from show to show.

Also, Donny has been booking for The 2 Bit in Ballard since September. Jesce, owner of The 2 Bit and former bartender at The Funhouse, tells me business has been phenomenal and that they recently remodeled the 2 Bit and promises that it will be around for a very long time. Jesce has been a personal friend and huge supporter of The Sinner for years, and everyone at The Sinner appreciates her help.

Zeke’s been around since 1993 and is basically as sick of a Seattle punk/rock band as you are going to find.

Blinding fast guitar licks, crazy live shows, machine-like drumming with super fast and tricky fills, you name it.

I can’t think of a single person who’s in a Seattle rock band who is not a fan of Zeke. They are about as Seattle as Seattle gets, and they never become stale, or outdated.

One of the more interesting things I just discovered about Zeke researching this story is that I love the band’s music videos. I am not usually into videos, but I stopped by the Zeke website (www.Zekeyou.com ) for a minute and ended up having myself an all night Zeke marathon.

If you want to get the most bang for your buck, while listening to Zeke, and more of a feel for what the songs are trying to get across, try it yourself.

In almost every video Zeke’s music is set to some of the coolest video footage out there, like dragsters, muscle cars like old Dodge Chargers and Mustangs, Vintage Harleys, actual Evel Knievel jump footage, the list goes on and on. If you’re a motor head, the Zeke videos are a must see. There’s even one featuring Zeke covering “Shout It Out Loud” for you old-school KISS fans, myself included.

So. Merry Christmas to my readers and I hope you enjoy this interview with Donny Paycheck of Zeke, where he reveals never before released information and gives a behind the scene look at some of the biggest names in rock.

You’re the new booker at the 2Bit in Ballard. How’s that working out?

Yeah, I started booking the 2 Bit in September and I’m having a great time with it. Jesce is awesome and gives me pretty much free reign on what I want to do. She

You were in Seattle during the Grunge explosion, when record labels were coming to Seattle and signing just about anyone with long hair and a flannel shirt. How did that impact your band?

I remember not caring. There where people I knew, showing up at our gigs saying they just got signed, hanging out with their so called A&R person, saying we told them about you, acting like it was our big chance.

We would talk big shit about them, their band and their label until they would literally leave the room mad.

I remember after Kurt Cobain died. A Current Affair (TV show) showed up at a show we where playing at the off ramp, asking us questions about Kurt and trying to film us while we where playing. We spit on them and kicked them off the stage.

A funny little side note to that, was I saw that footage not too long ago, it was on the Brett Michaels - E True Hollywood story. They got to a part where they where talking about Grunge killed glam rock and they showed us playing. I had to rewind it, to make sure, and yep it was us. Ha ha!

I read in a press release that Zeke played a few shows with Pearl Jam, which seems like an odd mix.

Do you remember how these gigs went down?

Ed is a punk rock fan and when we where first playing shows, he came to see us at the Vogue. Later, we had a tour manager who was friends with them. At that time, they asked us to be on the Monkey Wrench Radio with Mudhoney. Later, they asked us to do a couple shows and so we did. Believe it or not, the Pearl Jam guys, come from more underground rock backgrounds, and still love underground rock.

A Funny story about the Seattle show, was that we played first of three. The second band was the Wallflowers and while they where playing, people where flipping them off screaming Zeke! Jacob Dylan was upset and asked the crowd why they were so hostile in Seattle!

Zeke has seen many airports, in many different continents. What’s your favorite city to play?

That’s a tricky question. It used to be Austin, but now having been on many continents, I can’t even say. I really loved Japan and Australia, especially going from high tech to ultra laid back!

There are so many spectacular cities Like Orebro Sweden, Oslo Norway, Budapest Hungary, Madrid Spain, London UK, Belfast Ireland and the list could go on forever. We have been fortunate to be able to see and play these amazing places and I hope we can continue to for

a long time.

What Zeke release are you most proud of?

Well, another tricky question for me, because technically, recording, playing and music wise, I think Till The Livin’ End is Awesome and like all of our records, I think we progressed and changed from our last. But, I’ll have to say the first record Super Sound Racing, because I never thought we would get a record out, or do anything more then play the Lake Union Pub. Zeke started as something to do while we waited around for the other druggies we where in a band with.

The name happened as a joke on our way home from a bar. We just played shows, bought a van, went on tour and eventually, somebody put out a record for us.

How did Zeke begin and how long do you see Zeke going?

Zeke started at the end of 1992 in December. Mark and I finally had enough of our last band and quit. We started to have fun while we weren’t paying attention to anything but playing shows. Then, shit started to materialize around us. One day, we where playing to five people and a few months later, it was a capacity show at the lake union pub and somebody asking to make a record for us.

We will probably always be a band in one capacity or another, though we don’t tour 250 days a year anymore. We will probably always play shows.

What’s the coolest thing that ever happened while you were on tour with Zeke?

While on Tour with Motorhead, one day during sound check, I was hanging out with Mickey D. All of a sudden, he says, “Hey, come up here. You gotta check this out”.

You can hear everything with these monitors and this kicker and before you know it, he tells me to play my drums. So, I jump on the throne start playing his drums and realize, I’m playing Mickey D’s drums. Not only the drummer for Motorhead, but the drummer on King Diamond’s Abigail, who I idolized as a kid. It was awesome!

I also met Ronnie James Dio, Filthy Motorhead’s first drummer and Kerry King on that tour!

What new things does Zeke have going on?

Well, I have just re released our True Crime LP on Red Vinyl on my own Label Digital Warfare Records. It was an Australian release only until now. We also have a song we recorded with Joe Buck you can stream from our reverbnation player, or facebook page. We will also be on tour with the legendary Antiseen in May, with Joe Buck and the God Damn Gallows opening. So, look for those shows.

Last but not least, we will be playing New Years Eve with the Reverend Horton Heat and the Dwarves at El Corazon so don’t miss that!

photo by KAZ

“Merry Christmas, Baby!”

What a freaking YEAR, YOU MOTHER FREAKERS! It seems like it’s been forever since I wrote a “Huggy Talk” column for The Sinner, and what the heck... it has been forever, so I’se got some catching up to do. It’s been quite a year, let me tell you. My personal highlights include finally going to Las Vegas, where I attended an Elvis Presly wedding for Danger Dayne (exSpace Cretins drummer, now drumming for Spiderface) at the Gracelands Chapel, the same place Jon Bon Jovi was married once upon a time, according to the sign out front.

Vegas was a blast, especially the Fremont District with its “Tribute to KISS” LED light show on the domed roof that covered the entire street. I even met Gene Simmons there, he was rocking out and posing for the crowd at the event.

It was a real spectacle, I tell ya. Another highlight of Las Vegas was hanging out with rock band Jupiter Crash at the Double Down which reminds me of Seattle’s Funhouse, only smaller and darker, if you can imagine that. You may recall Jupiter Crash relocated from Seattle to Las Vegas last year and I’m happy to report that they are alive and doing well in Sin City where they are making a name for themselves and “living the dream.”

In previous Huggy Talk columns I presented a “best of the year” list at the end of each year, as many writers do, but this year I’m skipping all the fluff and going straight to the meat... that’s right, the Paul Ace Diamond “Huggy” PDB and Gene in Las Vegas Blow Five Diamond Bartender of the Year Award. My Five Diamond Bartender Award is a highly coveted award reserved for only the best of the best Seattle area bartenders, bartenders who display excellence above and beyond the call of duty, pour a mighty fine beverage, and look dang fine doing it. Past winners have included Lawrence (at the Mars Bar), Holly (at the Funhouse), and Josh (Chupacabra). This year’s Five Diamond Bartender of the Year Award goes to none other than Nils Scurvy who spent most of 2010 slinging booze at the El Corazon and the 2-Bit Saloon, as well as rocking the bass for Dragstrip Riot. Nils is a natural, a bartender who serves up the liquor with a smile, wit, charm and charisma. Unfortunately, Nils will not be able to collect my Five Diamond Award as he has relocated to Portland where I hear he has secured employment as... you guessed it, a bartender! Lots of luck to you, Nils!

Speaking of the 2-Bit Saloon, the Ballard bar seems to be doing very well since it was resurrected by the lovely Jessica (it was formerly the Bit Saloon) and is my pick for Bartender of the Year: Nils Scurvy “rock club of 2011.” The place has been renovated complete with clean bathrooms and a new stage, and even has Donny Hales (of Zeke fame) as the house booker. It’s a lot of fun down there, check it out!

And finally, some news that just rolled in... Jimmy Flame has announced his official retirement from rock’n’roll (again?) in order to pursue a college education and eventual employment as Seattle’s first genuine rock’n roll lawyer! Yes, I repeat... lawyer! I asked Jimmy for some legal advice recently, and he told me, “When in doubt, RUN!” Excellent advice, and I will take it. You should too... Until next time, take it easy or better yet, take it sleazy! That’s what I would do.

Paul Diamond Blow works as a part time hustler when he’s not writing for the Sinner. Hit him up on Facebook: facebook.com/pauldiamondblow Jimmy Flame: lawyer-to-be!

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myspace.com/stlouissinner - myspace.com/seattlesinner

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myspace.com/stlouissinner - myspace.com/seattlesinner

Cutthroat Shamrock at the Firebird November 13

By Emily Eufinger Cutthroat Shamrock brought their rowdy brand of Appalachian Celtic Punk to the Firebird last month, for a handful of people lucky enough to witness it.

Their masthead proclaims, “If bluegrass and punk rock walked into an Irish pub and got kidnapped by pirates.” Made up of band members with names like Derek McRotten, Guido Greaserag, Suavo, and Johnny Hyena, fans are guaranteed a raucous show from the start.

The band is heavily influenced by the hill music of Appalachia, and quite appropriately, since Irish immigrants were among the first Europeans to occupy America’s eastern mountain range.

What sets them apart from your typical Irish punk band, though, is that they do not employ a fiddle or a tin whistle, and they have two—count ‘em, two—multitalented percussionists. Congas, bongos, washboard, and drum kit combine with upright bass, mandolin, banjo, and guitar to create a truly unique sound.

The Irish influence is slight, even when covering traditional Irish songs like “Finnegan’s Wake” and “The Wild Rover,” but Cutthroat still performs the songs in their own way.

However, the pirate influence is greatly pronounced, in both the debaucherous lyrics about coal cars and dry bones, and the drunken manner in which they are shouted at the crowd, with little regard for microphones.

The disappointingly sparse crowd at the Firebird was most likely due to the Old School Tattoo Convention taking place simultaneously, which means that the few of us who attended the show got to be part of something rare and great, and next time Cutthroat Shamrock hits this dirty old town, we’ll be sure our friends don’t miss out again.

You can learn more about the band on their website: www.cutthroatshamrock.com

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written by Chuck Foster - photo by Brooke Higgins

UNMASKED that was different from the other bands in the local scene.

So we started out by trying to name other local band names that we thought were cool.

Problem was we could not think of any we liked, in fact they were all pretty terrible.

So if the other band names were all terrible we decided that the best way to separate ourselves from them was to do the exact opposite. All we had to do was come up with something not terrible! That is when the name The Scam came to us.

I was sitting at DBs a few months ago shooting the proverbial shit with Cory, the tattooed proprietor. In the middle of our discussion he suggested I check out his brother’s band, The Scam. When I said that I had never heard of them, he began to chuckle while he filled me in on the joke - or scam, if you will. The St. Louis band is widely known for its hard-hitting punk music, but they’re also known for pulling some outrageous promotional scams, like claiming that they’re being featured in Rolling Stone Magazine – or so I’ve heard The Scam features James on vocals; Bryan on guitar; Spaceman on bass; and Dirty Bird on drums. And let me tell you, this punk foursome puts on one of the most intense live shows in the area. Shit gets broken, smashed, thrown across the stage – destroyed! And that list seems to include patrons who get too close to the pit. There’s nothing like these guys on stage – and they’re music comes across equally savage. After the Lemmons’ show I had a chance to chat with James about the band and their notorious reputation... and it went something like this: So James, how did The Scam come to be?

The story of how we started is actually really pretty simple. One night we were sitting around drinking and we were listening to some real crumby bands on a local punk radio show called the superhappyfunhour. That is when the idea came to us – we should make music that is way better than everybody else and from that moment on that is exactly what we did How did you guys come up with the name/concept?

The name just seemed to fit. We wanted something

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I’ve heard that you guys have a reputation for pulling promotional stunts, scams... care to comment?

I am assuming you are referring to the rumor someone started about Fat Mike from Nofx being in attendance. We got blamed for that one but we are pretty sure that was Scene of Irony that started that. We heard someone went as far as creating a fake Fat Mike facebook profile, but hey, good for whoever did that! The place was a madhouse and we played great (as usual). So anyone that might have been upset.. left happy because of us. Even the kid who left in the Ambulance had a great time. In fact out of the hundreds of people who expected to see Fat Mike only 2 people were unhappy 1. The guy whose $2500 guitar got snapped in half (and that would make anybody mad) 2. The sound guy because of a mic that was broken probably by the band that played before us (once again, we got blamed for it). Unfortunately for us, the club only paid us 400 dollars – which was only half of our door cut.

What would you say has been the band’s most insane “scam” to date?

Well Chuck we do not like to dwell on the past, instead let’s look to the future and for the sake of this interview we will tell you about a great plan that we have in the works. We are going to start a Record Label! We are pleased to announce that we will be releasing music on tapes (we stole this idea from St. Louis’ worst punk band Doom Town ) and in limited edition! We will then set up shows in really obscure places and invite our friends. Now Chuck, you might be asking yourself “how in the world could this kind of record label sustain itself?” Well, when times get tough we created a new concept – we will throw shows and instead of calling it a show we will call it a “fundraiser”. Totally genius don’t you think. Well we are still working on a name but the working title is – I Dislike Punk Rock Records!!

You guys really put a lot of intensity into your set,

getting the crowd into a frenzy... how do you guys do it?

When we started this band we had one goal – To be the best band in St. Louis. We reached that goal by the time we played our first show. The reason the crowd goes into such a frenzy isn’t because we are so handsome or because we are cooler than everyone else. It is because our songs are the best songs that they have ever heard. It is really as simple as that.

Who’s your top 5 local bands.

1. The number one slot is always reserved for The Scam. That being said there are a few local bands that deserve some credit.

2. That band with the upright bass, they sing about monsters and zombies and stuff like that – oh and they wear some make up and fake blood.

3. That band that plays all of the poppy punk songs at shitty venues and basements, they never really advertise or anything so most of the times the shows are empty. We have their record though and one day when I get a record player I am going to listen to it.

4. That band with a couple of white guys in it and they try to sound like they are black and from the twenty’s.

5. That one band with the rock star guy in it and they party more than everyone else. Fuck I can’t remember their fucking name.

Do you believe The Scam could break out of Misery, go national?

Actually we have a deal in the works right now and it is a label that everyone has heard of. But for now, that is all that we can say.

What’s your take on the local punk scene?

Our take on the local scene is that we are great! St. Louis is obviously better than any other city because we play here. St. Louis really doesn’t need much although a good supporting act or two might make it even better. It also might help if some of these shitty local bands would put some effort into promoting the shows they play. There are a few bands that do a great job (although not nearly as good as us) promoting the shows on the internet and making/ handing out flyers at other shows but the overwhelming majority are just pathetic. When we are playing a show with some of these dead beat bands it really upsets us! If they brought fans then we could steal those people from them! That is one of the many ways that we like to promote the local scene - taking fans away from bands that are no good and giving them hope.

the biggest misconception about being in a punk band?

As far as The Scam goes we obviously have no misconceptions about anything. We are the band that sets the standard. Other local punk bands however have HUGE misconceptions. We have had bands come to us for pointers on how to make their songs sound as good as ours. We try to be nice to them and let them down easy but the truth is that it would be impossible. Our songs are so much better than theirs that we would have to totally redo every note of their song, and then every word. The final product would be a Scam song! We get asked for advice all of the time.

Once, at a show a guitar player from another band asked how he could look as handsome and get all the slutty girls like The Scam does? Once again, not likely!

Why do you do it, all the work?

The reason we do it is because we are so sick of seeing everyone else do such a half-assed job. We need to make the scene better even if it means we have to DESTROY it first. I guess in that sense we are like Superheroes sent here to save the day!

Any last thoughts to share with our readers?

Instead of taking this opportunity to thank a whole bunch of shitty people that we do not care about, we would instead like to pat ourselves on the back for a job well done.

Last, how can someone find more about the band/ merch/shows?

You can find us by using your girlfriends’ facebook page - if you do not want to pay for the music we make, you can download it for free there. We also have a show with ULTRAMAN on Dec. 29 at Fubar. Info is on the full page ad on page 19.

How do you guys unwind, get away from the band scene?

Trick question - we are the scene so how could we get away from it?

Nice try Chuck What do you believe to be

myspace.com/stlouissinner - myspace.com/seattlesinner

WARNER DRIVE AT THE WAY OUT CLUB IN ST LOUIS

review by malice - photos by Rabid Rabbit WOW WHAT AN ADRENALINE RUSH!! IT'S ALMOST A WEEK LATER AND I AM STILL HIGH FROM THE SHOW!!

I

had been looking forward to seeing Warner Drive for more than a year, ever since Ronnie "Elvis" James looked me up on MySpace and told me about them and that they planned on coming my way in the future. I remembered Elvis as the guitar player for Dead Celebrities about 6 years ago, and he remembered me from the shows. He had moved to LA about a year before we moved to Memphis, so I had lost track of him for a few years. Glad he found me! He is my BIGGEST success story to date – a producer, a writer, an amazing musician... Truth be told, I didn't realize he was such a big deal. I definitely realize it now... and so will YOU! Back in September their show was canceled because they had too many open dates between shows in their 3 week tour. I understand that it just didn't make financial sense for them to travel all the way from LA to St. Louis just to entertain me (and a few dozen friends) – but I was still bitterly disappointed. I NEEDED THIS STORY – and what's more, I needed to see them for myself . After all, if they do suck LIVE, I'll be eatin' some words....and a few thousand words won't go down well, and I’ll wind up sounding like some crazed groupie. So after much anticipation, gliding on an almost manic high for months, THIS show almost didn't happen, either, due to technical difficulties, bad weather, an untimely water leak, a potential electrical disaster, popcorn noises coming from every mic. I will not lie, I was near tears at this point, I NEEDED THIS SHOW TO HAPPEN! I don't care, play acoustic, we can hear you, we'll sit really, really close... (if you know me at all, you know I'm just a tad bipolar and don't handle disappointment well and I'm about to CRASH & BURN hard). I'm not sure how they fixed it, fucking magic as far as I'm concerned, but the show went on.

Their performance is high energy and full throttle. Hugely entertaining to watch, their antics are hilarious-from Elvis & Jonny Law blowing Candice's hair to get the "supermodel in the fan" effect, and playing up-close-and-personal to several screeching, overzealous female fans (I swear it wasn't me), to ribbing each other good naturedly. They're raw, raunchy, and real, but mostly they're FUN. Jonny’s vocals are fucking phenomenal; Elvis, Candice, & Albert have a great chemistry; & Johnny U's crazy wild hair flies as fast as his sticks. Their songs are about everyday bullshit, things we've all gone through, and dealing with feelings we've all felt, encompassing everything from dirty songs and tender ballads to songs of loss and apology.

I met Jonny Law after the show, a genuinely nice guy and it is immediately evident WHY they have legions of friends – not just fans – all across the country. And it was great hanging out with Elvis and my friend Moe for a while after the show...and I got to see his ink in person. Best of all, they're coming back early next year!!

What motivates your music?

JL: Everything in life... the happy, the sad, etc... but most of all, my Dad who I lost to leukemia about 3 years ago.

E: I think the biggest motivator is me. Music is my life. Music is my passion.

A: I love music. It comes from the soul, it motivates me.

JU: Real life.

What has been your favorite venue to date?

JL: The Viper Room. I wrote a song about it ;) E: House of Blues in Hollywood.

C: I think one of my favorite shows so far has been opening for Fuel at the Tempe Market Place... there were about 4,000 people and it was pretty damn awesome! I also really, really liked Wasted Space at the Hard Rock in Vegas... we played there with CKY... the show and the venue are pretty kick ass!

JU: I’m a big fan of The Roxy and Viper in LA... Those shows are always a bit off the hook!!

A: favorite venue? hmmmm... maybe the knitting factory in Boise... I do fucking LOVE the roxy tho.What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever been asked to sign?

JL: Aside from personal body parts, someone brought in a toilet seat to a show and had us sign it.

E: A prosthetic leg C: The weirdest thing I have ever been asked to sign... I’m not sure of anything really that weird... a lot of body parts like boobs, butts, a neck, legs, stomach. The cool thing though is when those people come out to the next show after that and actually got your autograph tattooed on them!! That shit is super flattering, but super crazy!! I love it though... my signature is going to be on someone’s body for the rest of their life!!

Warner Drive, named for the road Jonathon Jonah ( Jonny Law) grew up on, tours extensively and exhaustively.

Check their tour schedule, watch their videos, listen to their interviews because YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY BOYS AS MUCH AS I DO.

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myspace.com/stlouissinner - myspace.com/seattlesinner

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT!

by ALX of The Spittin' Cobras

I was approached by Guitar Doug several weeks back asking me to write a short column for the December issue of The Sinner. I've always been a supporter of The Sinner as it's one of the only truly non-biased independent music publications in the Greater Seattle Area. But I'm not here to trash any rag who seems to completely ignore anything outside of general indie rock popularity. I'm here to tell you about a band I'm really diggin', one that I think you should all check out, That band is ENFORCER. I was introduced to ENFORCER by my good buddy and brother in rock Andy Selway (drummer for The Spittin' Cobras & KMFDM).

ENFORCER was formed in 2004 and originally started as a one man project by vocalist Olof "Enforcer" Wikstrand. Current members include: Olof "Enforcer" Wikstrand on vocals, Adam Zaars on Guitar, Joseph Tholl on Rhythm Guitar, Tobias Lindqvist on Bass & Jonas Wikstrand on Drums.

ENFORCER's musical style is heavily influenced by what is best described as late 70's to early 80's New Wave of British Heavy Metal. But get this, these guys are from Sweden. They play fast furious metal in the realm of Judas Priest, Angel Witch & Saxon. With the release of their debut album Into The Night (Heavy Artillery records) in November 2008, ENFORCER joined the ranks of those bent on the return of traditional heavy metal. After the release of such a stellar debut album, many fans & critics left wondering if ENFORCER could ever top or even equal their first record. Enforcer emerged in February 2010 with a new album aptly titled Diamonds (Earache records). A pure old -school heavy metal album, mixed & mastered 100% analog to deliver a heavy metal album the way it was intended to sound. I have to tell you, this band is pretty fuckin' epic! Not bad at all for a band whose members are barely old enough to drink by American standards. ENFORCER is currently touring throughout Europe supporting Australian mad-men AIRBOURNE. Let's hope they make it to the US in the near future. I know I'll be at that show for sure & you should be too!

To learn more about ENFORCER & bask in their traditional heavy metal visit them on myspace at www.myspace.com/enforcerswe.

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT TOO! Other noteworthy bands you should all check out: Imperial State Electric - www.myspace.com/imperialstateelectric BULLET - www.myspace.com/bulletsweden The Spittin' Cobras - www.myspace.com/thespittincobrasrock (C'mon, I'd be a retard not to pimp my own band, right?) You can catch The Spittin' Cobras Live on Jan. 15th, 2011 at The Comet Tavern w/ good buddies Zero Down.

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by Lauren Napie BEING IN A BAND. Well, let me rephrase that. Being in Creem City, one tends to drink a lot. I don’t know whether it’s that we all flock to dark places where the whiskey flows like water or if it’s that camaraderie of getting a drink after we sweat out last night’s alcohol at practice. Either way, I end up spending more of my time in bars than I do out of them. And I have compiled a list of my favorites: in no particular order.

1. Just a few blocks from my house Tula’s Restaurant and Jazz Club offers a nice respite from the chaos of living downtown. Mack, the proprietor, is always there to greet me and give me a hug; instantly making me feel like I’m in familiar territory as I settle into my glass of the House Red (three dollars during happy hour isn’t bad for a glass of liquid calm).

2. Tony V’s is a little out of my way, especially since I don’t drive, but it’s worth the trek to Everett. Since we filmed the music there, I always feel like there are cameras watching me, but perhaps that’s my own paranoia. Tony V’s is a place where the music is loved and lived.

3. I walk in the door and Cameron starts to dip the martini glass into the sugar to make my LemonDrop. Sonya’s is a block from my house and is always just filled with regulars – even on the weekends. No randoms, no crowds.

4. It’s bright turquoise! Saint adds at least two pounds to my weight every time I step through the door; I blame the guacamole and strawberry tequila. But really I just like hanging out in the bathroom with the matador photos and Mexican mustaches.

5. I can’t forget about Funhouse. The smell of stale beer only adds to its charm.

That and the fact that I have a collection in my change dish at home of latches that I have accidentally broken off the girls’ bathroom door. Just give me a dollar beer.

We all have our comfort zones when it comes to watering holes. I don’t have high standards≠ in this department; I just need to feel at home and procure a slight buzz whether I’m in my blue suede stilettos or my worn out cowboy boots.

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No Reservations:

Anthony Bourdain visits the Fox Theatre in St. Louis October 1

by Emily Eufinger Caution: The following contains pornographic material. Avert your eyes if you find repulsive the concept of hot tender morsels of flesh glazed with sweet sauces and garnished with plump globules of fish roe ravishing your moist tongue.

However, if that last sentence set you drooling like Homer Simpson over a donut and a Duff, read on.

Anthony Bourdain – host of the Travel Channel’s “No Reservations” – travels the world eating food and writing “food porn”; describing flavors and textures slowly and sensually, like one savoring a lover’s pulsing wet pudenda. Readers simply devour his writing, lapping up adjectives, punctuation, and his brilliantly pungent metaphors (e.g.: “Sandra Lee’s Kwanzaa cake makes ‘2 Girls 1 Cup’ look like Sesame Street”).

Food is a fetish; nowhere in the world is this truer than in America, where jilted housewives and single introverts spend evenings choking down caloric gratification in place of the coital recompense they truly seek—consuming when they should be consummating. As Bourdain ruminates in his novel The Nasty Bits, “All that rage and frustration, that hollow feeling so many of us feel – for so many good reasons – can be filled up with something better than a soggy disk of ground up assholes and elbows.”

The various online Bacon Cults openly admit and embrace this dysfunctional obsession with an unhealthy – albeit delicious – carnivorous comestible; just one example of America’s tendency to latch onto food like a frenzied hyena in heat.

Food is sex; whether you’re licking whipped cream from the deepest crevices of your lover’s body, or blindfolded wearing edible underwear and feeding each other chocolate-covered strawberries in bed, oral stimulation strongly correlates to sexual arousal; “Like rock and roll, the desired end result is to make you happy – and to get you in the sack” (The Nasty Bits).

While working as a mere dishwasher, Bourdain witnessed the head chef of a seafood shanty rearending a bride in her wedding dress next to a greasy dumpster full of rotting shrimp tails while her wedding party and newly-acquired hubby gorged on sloppily fried fish and clams, and at that moment he ostensibly knew he wanted to become a chef (Kitchen Confidential).

Food is violence; bloody visceral scraps splayed raw on a cutting board and splattered with hellfire spices; gleaming blades urgently hacking, slashing and slicing; chucks of gristle and gelatinous fat torn from bone; ground up meat thrust into sausage skin to the very brink of bursting; roiling waves of broth heaving steam from a heavy steel pot over a furious flame; hell, maybe even a pissed off mushroom that just spent too much damn time germinating in bear shit.

So what have we learned? Food is sin; food is the mortal enemy attacking your waist and thighs with saturated fat and carbohydrates, threatening at any second to turn you into human aspic. That’s right: meat Jell-O. And yet, food is important; especially pertinent for those who don’t possess it. Food is our identity, our heritage, our ethnicity; it is who we are, where we come from, and should be enjoyed simply, in and of itself.

Kocktails with Krysztof

by Betty X Besides being a controversial performance artist, spoken word poet and singer/songwriter from Seattle, Betty X holds two degrees in the Fine Arts from Cornish College of the Arts and studied art at the Charles University in Prague.

I am speaking tonight with renowned Pin-Up Girl Illustrator and musician Krysztof Nemeth; Seattlebased until recently, and who still has very strong ties to the city. He just returned from a debaucherous trip to New Orleans, so this is perfect timing to chat with one of my favorite Seattle-bred artists.

Krysztof will be a guest musician in my new project, Satan in High Heels on the forth-coming Scorpio Rising album.

What's the inspiration behind the Pin-Up Girl illustrations that you are known for in Seattle?

Oh, there's SO much inspiration! I guess the easiest way to sum it up is the obvious answer: Women of Beauty and Character. Anytime I go to see a band, catch a roller derby bout, see who my favorite photographers are shooting, or see a great burlesque performance, I'm inspired to celebrate the women I see, whether they are in the crowd, on the stage, or beating each other up in the rink!

I’ve had the pleasure of seeing your shows from the Seattle Erotic Festival to the esteemed Roq-la-Rue Gallery, so I’m curious what current projects are you working on?

Musically, I am working with my band here in Kansas City; The Latenight Callers. I am playing Baritone Guitar, which kind of resolves my guitar-and-bass schizophrenia! You can check us out at : /www.facebook.com/TheLatenightCallers. I also hope to be working with Satan in High Heels on some collaborations. ;-) Artistically, I am busy working on LOTS of private commissions and logos, preparing a Kickstarter campaign for a book of my drawings, and continuing to explore creating my drawings on different substrates such as chipboard and plastic. As long as there are amazing women out there to celebrate through my art, I will be doing what I love, and depicting them as best I can!

I’ve recently seen the design you made for Sin in Linen, with the black and white print with ravens and retro Betty Paige look-a-like bondage girls. Can you tell us more about your collaboration with Sandy Glaze of Sin in Linen?

I've been working with Sandy at Sin in Linen for years. Sandy Glaze is an AMAZING business woman, and really creates some fabulous products. It's pretty much been all her, coming up with the ideas of what she'd like to have as an offering, and she'll call me up, saying, "Krysztof! I have this great idea and I need you to draw me something!". Then, magically (to me, at least), there's a product with my work on it, ready to share the bed of their many customers!

I'd love to know more about your upcoming art book. What is the working title of your book? How can your fans help?

I'm still waiting for the Kickstarter campaign to be approved, but I plan on offering different packages for different price-points: Of course, there will be the book, a limited edition, 100 page volume of the greatest pieces from my previous books and most of my new work (including the chipboard pieces), a screenprint of one of a special drawing done for the release of the book itself, a "Roller Derby" package that will include the book, a pint-glass, sticker and button, and a special version for "The Art & Liquor Appreciation Society" with the book, a shot-glass, sticker, and button. There will also be a "Full Meal Deal" that includes ALL of that stuff...and maybe even a "Kocktails with Krysztof" special for one lucky person. ;-) Thanks for having a cocktail with Betty X and the readers of The Sinner, we look forward to your new projects.

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Skin Deep with Stu

Photography by LB Photography (LBfoto1@yahoo.com)

L

et me start by Saying that the purpose of this monthly column is to offer information and a personal view on matters involving body piercing and modification and is in no way meant to put myself above any other artist in the industry. Secondly, if you have a horror story and choose to share it with us, DO NOT give the name of the artist involved as I will just omit it anyway.

There are many artists in the St. Louis and surrounding areas that deserve nothing but the utmost respect from myself and supporters of our shared profession. If you have a question about piercing/modification, a story, or just a desire to better understand the culture and would like that answered, please send them to: Stu@StuModifies.com.

Hey Stu, how come some people pierce with hoops and others with bars?

-Doug St. Louis, MO Hey Doug, Thanks for writing. The answer to your question is simple... Preference. Personal preference makes up a lot the reasoning on why artists choose one way over another, it’s really all about obtaining quality work that’s done in a clean environment under sterile conditions. As long as those standards are kept, the manner in which the procedure is done is not an issue.

Sure, there are some “elitist” groups and organizations that preach there are certain “correct” ways to pierce and that anyone who doesn’t follow them is wrong, but the reality is that these people are only trying to control the liability in our industry by creating a standard to hold practitioners to.

For me, I prefer to pierce with hoops. In my personal experience it seems that I see more girls getting their navels done with barbells that have abscesses or heavy migration. Of course this has to do with more than just a simple hoop or barbell decision but I think some bars are too heavy or are pierced too deep or too shallow.

Another issue with the barbells, in my opinion, is that they can take more time to clean as they cannot just be rotated while cleaning like the rings can. For some people aftercare is a big hassle and often aftercare is not kept up on or is done improperly in an attempt to lessen the burden. Now don’t mistake me, I will and do pierce with barbells. Obviously, certain piercings require them and if that’s the case or my client simply just refuses a hoop I will just take a little more explaining the importance of aftercare and the extra care needed for barbells.

In the end, the jewelry will be switched for something “cooler” later on anyway and it only takes a matter of waiting a few weeks before that can be done, so it’s really not a huge deal. Just remember it’s your choice what ya get put into your body and it’s your practitioner’s choice and duty to assure quality.

Thanks again -Stu On a side note I would like to add that in March 2011 I will be bringing in a few out of State artists and some instate artists and will be hosting a suspension event at my new home, ST. LOUIS INK. If you are interested in suspending at this event please contact me a.s.a.p. A small donation of $100 is required to suspend and for spectators the day pass will be $20. THESE CHARGES PAY THE OUT OF TOWN ARTISTS SO THEY CAN AFFORD TO LEAVE THEIR FAMILIES AND COME ENTERTAIN YOU. We will have fire breathing, sideshow, bondage, raffles, a whole lot of suspensions and much much more. So stay tuned next month for more info! PINHEAD IS ALSO LOOKING TO COME BACK AGAIN AS WELL, SO ANY OF YOU LOOKING FOR HEAVIER MOD WORK LET ME KNOW SO THAT WE CAN FIT YOU INTO OUR SCHEDULE. St Louis Ink 11629 West Florissant Ave in Florissant, MO 63033 Shop 314-395-3400 All questions will be answered by email or by a request for you to call me directly and may be in the next issue of the St. Louis Sinner! Thanks for reading!

Stu (Myspace.com/StuModifies - Facbook.com/StuModifies) . Stu@StuModifies.com paint by Plastic

photo by Cyanide Studios©

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A Year Of St. Louis’ Most Sinful Art In Review...

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We started 2009 off last year by doing something a bit different for even us, featuring a model on the front cover instead of a traditional artist. And the ever-so sexy Quincy Lane made it a smash!

Issue 14 of The Sinner was one of my personal favorites. Inside readers discovered the twisted photography of Wicked Illusions, the official photographer of Wicked Pixel Cinema – another favorite!

Some readers may have thought this cover by DEVERIE FX was a bit disturbing, but that’s what she does best. Few artists out there can compete with her creativity, and we have most of them right here.

In issue 18 we treated folks to a true work of art comprised by Chris Sabatino of Art Monster Studio. This cover was a rarity for the sole fact that I requested an “American” theme for July 4th. WOW, Chris!

Issue 15 was another first for us, featuring a sinful taste from Max Iver’s Art Show, Alice. With former cover artists Max Iver and Gina Simon, Mayumi Sugitani and Alexandra Hage were in good company.

Issue 13 was certainly a special one for us, it marked our first year in St. Louis. And we couldn’t have asked for a more sinful cover than the one Mike of MBE Photography shot for us. THX Mike!

This cover just left the stands, but the photo of Rose Mortem in her own design on the cover certainly deserves to be shown again. It’s just an amazing dress on a beautiful woman – and that’s definitely- Sinner!

Here’s another first for us, a hot dude on the cover.

Rarely is a front cover so personal, but this one is Juli Penny has so many shots that are cover worthy the exception. This was our first fashion cover and we wanted to run another one of hers from this issue. it was a real treat to have the works of Kristine HawHer diversity and creativity is simply amazing... thorne and my buddy Noel’s featured. Thx Eader! myspace.com/stlouissinner - myspace.com/seattlesinner

Margot Bird’s Dark Sense Of Humor

by Chuck Foster

A

few weeks ago I had the visual pleasure of being introduced to the art of Margot Bird, a 2007 transplant to the Seattle area. Her works featured here are only a few samples of her macabre passion, but enough to get a sense of why she was chosen to be featured in The Sinner – the two certainly seem to be a match made on the other side of the rabbit‘s hole. Instead of rambling on, I’ll let Margot explain a little bit about herself and her intriguing art.

Tell me a bit about yourself, your art?

I did a brief 2 year stint as an art major at the University of Wisconsin - Madison. The program didn’t appeal to me at the time, most likely because I didn’t feel compatible with the classroom structure there. I took a year off and then went to a technical college to take more classes and get an Associates Degree in Art. Even then, I took ‘independent leave’ from a few of my classes to work on skewed and larger versions of the assignments. During that year between the university and the technical college, though, was the first time I really started painting and painting enough to show my work around the city – in cafes, mostly, but also a few galleries throughout Madison and Milwaukee. I moved to Seattle in 2007 and have been showing my work here since.

Your artwork is certainly a bit bizarre, to say the least... what inspires your passionate creativity?

I think I have a dark sense of humor and that’s where I pull a lot of creativity from. My inspiration feels more like a mania, though. If I don’t paint for a few days, I start to go kind of crazy... like slightly moody and on-edge. I drew a LOT before the year I started getting into painting and once I did start to paint, the whole freedom of it really took over, like an avalanche cascading over, and burying, a cabin.

I really liked Yellow-Green Hexagons, Purple Diamond, and Blue Square. Please explain the drive behind each piece.

Yellow-Green Hexagons has a lot of eyeballs in it. Last March I went on a 5 week tour with the Tacoma hardcore band, Lozen, as their roadie. I had done an album cover for them. So we circled the states and during that time I was keeping a sketchbook and, for whatever reason, I kept drawing eyeballs spewing out of people’s heads. When I came back to Seattle, that was definitely an abiding theme in my paintings.

Yellow-Green Hexagons is a diptych, but was originally a triptych until the third piece kept nagging at me to stray and do something different... that’s how Blue Square developed. In that painting (Blue Square), I think it is part of the morbid part of me that enjoyed adding a mountain lion eating her face.

With Purple Diamond... that came out of my enthusiasm for painting wild animals, especially tigers, zebras, leopards and anything with stripes or spots. I was kind of channeling the face of a clock in putting all those eyes on the tiger.

The idea that I’m communicating by putting solid geometric shapes in each of the pieces is that the simple shape is the subject of the painting and everything else is chaos that distracts your attention from the shape. I hope that once people notice the geometric shape or read the title of the piece, they will feel a pull between looking at that chaos and then gazing back at the shape. Some of my paintings, the chaotic parts of them, have tangible stories to them too. I have a thick imagination and some of the strange/unique situations and events that have happened in my life are translated into these images.

Are you planning any shows or do you have your work featured anywhere?

I just took down a show that was hanging at Bauhaus during the month of November. Right now I’m preparing for a show at this incredibly rad little gallery that just recently emerged on Capitol Hill. It is called Burk Gallery and its on 15th Ave, above the Bagel Deli. My work will be up January 7th through January 31st. I’ll have an Opening Reception on January 13th from 5pm to 8pm.

Any thanks or shouts that you would like to mention?

I’d like to thank everyone who has looked at my work... and everyone who tells me what they think of it.

Where can readers find more of your work or information about you?

Readers... please go to my website: www.artbybird.com. I update it as often as I can with new paintings and new projects and whatnot.

Bitching with Buddha Lu c i fe r

Dear Most Evil One, So we spent trillions of dollars we didn’t have to buy our secure mortgages that are worthless from Banks that were so incredibly driven by greed that they didn’t even bother to fill out the paper work correctly. So we’re securing worthless mortgages that no one can prove they own? And we’re bailing out the super rich by extending their tax breaks. Yet this new Republican Congress isn’t going to spend money we don’t have to bail out the “little people” by extending unemployment benefits.

Everyone is so concerned about “Consumer Confidence” being the key ingredient for a healthy economy, but tell me how confident the US consumers will be when we see whole families of nice people homeless and begging for spare change? The streets are going to be crowded not with the usual junkies and crazies but with people who were once our neighbors. I get depressed just thinking about it.

Respectfully, Depressed Consumer.

Yes, DC, I have my doubts about the future of the economy, too. I figure once unemployment starts to run out there will be a flood of new whores on the streets which is going to wreck the market, which is why I got myself a new job with Homeland Security as a TSA agent. That’s right, I now grope and fondle men and women for a living. I keep our airports safe from bomb carrying Big Breasted Babes. Catholic priest and fifteen-year-olds the country over dream about my job. I love it.

Lucifer Dear Prince of Darkness, I live in the Pacific Northwest, which I figure will be in the front lines in a war with North Korea. So what are the chances of us mixing it up with North Korea and would it go nuclear?

Sleepless in Seattle.

Don’t worry, SS, be happy. When your former President George W. Bush got us in a war with Iraq then wrecked the economy he picked an end to military adventurism for many generations to come. The only way the U.S. can afford to enter a new war with anyone is if they can convince China to pay for the military operation which it won’t do. You have to imagine that no one knows where North Korean missiles if launched would land, least of all the North Koreans.

The point is, the United States is broke which means no more future wars. Peace at last. Thank you, former President Bush.

Lucifer

If you want to talk to God, see a psychiatrist, or email: god@theseattlesinner.com. To intercourse with the dark lord Lucifer, drink a bottle of Everclear, or email: lucifer@theseattlesinner.com.

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myspace.com/stlouissinner - myspace.com/seattlesinner

FIRESTAIRS TO HEAVEN Or, “Are We All Done Being Stupid Now?”

T

he Wages Of Sin were Death, and I was finally on the clock. I was 14, and so much afraid: I’d discovered girls quite early on, but now I was obsessed.

Puberty hit me hard, and made its mark—the Hand of Gland—upon my cracking voice and fuzzy chin. It was the Mark Of The Beast, as befalls a cub…a rite of passage into manhood, to the snide delights and chortles of womanhood all around.

But I was not a normal youth. I was Pentecostal; and the onset of such interests were the very Mark Of Cain. I was taunted and tormented by bullies and stuck-up girls before—but now I was tortured nightly by my own wants, needs, and urges. What sort of God gives man a need he can’t fulfill, lest he fall deeply into sin? It was contradiction; and it made me miserable.

Boo Hoo. You’ve heard this all before. But wait— there’s something more.

We used to dream, you see—we horny Christian Youth. Sexual repression makes exquisite nightmare fodder for the righteously oppressed. You see, Jesus hated T & A; worst yet, he might return at any hour.

What awkward teenage boy wants to be caught beating meat during the Rapture? ‘Cause if you’re polishing the bishop when the Good Lord comes, you’re left to face the Antichrist alone. And if you’re 14 years old and “left behind,” ol’ Splitfoot is the least of your concerns—what if Jesus takes your parents, whose roof you’re staying under…your family, friends…everyone you loved has disappeared. And there you are, alone and playing whack-a-mole—all for scattered signals, Skinamax, and unrealistic airbrushed Playboy pics.

Nah…that’s not gonna fuck anybody up, right?

One night I had The Dream. I was watching Lady Chatterly, or some such softcore drivel, when the Great Trump sounded, blasting forth for all with ears to hear—but mine were deathly silent. I knew something was up; I ran outside. Above me, I could see it: A gathering of souls, dead, undead, and the righteously alive, transforming before my teenage eyes, as they all cluttered the sky. They filled the air like human smog. The clouds rolled back like blobs of greasy dishwater when you add drops of detergent to the sink. In the center, I could see Him—our righteous, holy Icon— the Dashboard Christ, the Iron Fist Of Love’s Perfection, the Governor of Grace, ol’ JC in the Godly, glowing flesh. He beckoned all to come. I fixed my eyes upon the heaving mass that dwarfed the sun—all of this occurring in the twinkling of an eye—and I began to slowly rise toward the sky. But the images of bouncing, bulbous tits kept bleeding through the membranes of my mind. I felt the weight of guilt, because I was not holy, nor covered under grace almighty—I hadn’t had the time, you see, to ask forgiveness before this Blessed Advent had begun. (If I’d died right then, I’d surely greet the Devil in his flaming Sodom underground abode).

I was the Unforgiven, and out of grace—and now, it seemed, I was likely out of time. With each glimpse of a forbidden nipple, each shimmer of a thigh—every trace of flesh that slithered through my fevered teenage mind—I sank lower to the ground.

Before “Jesus Wept” could leave my lips, they all were gone. The sky was gray and empty. Silence roared like white noise all around. It was over; I was

lost. I was Unraptured, left behind—all for a glimpse of Nekkid Boobs, and the pale blood on my hands—a residue of lost souls, each sperm a human life I murdered, to which I’d be accountable in the end. I was a masturbating Hitler, alone in the world, without a God, a parent or a friend…just me and the Great Beast—locusts and the Tribulation. I would have to give my life now, if I wished to be redeemed.

I awoke, trembling and wet with tears…and sadly still 14. As a viral, primal male in heat, I woke with wooden loins. I cursed my hellbound traitor cock. I prayed for hours; but it took God nearly a year to answer, and make me not 14. But then I was 15, and that

was worse. Sixteen was even worse than that, if not the worst of all.

Nah…that’s not gonna mess with anyone.

I was taunted by these dreams for years. I had just turned 21 the year I lost my faith for good. Dark, lost, wandering years would follow…but I was never left Unraptured in a dream ever again. Better still, now I had real sex with real girls…and—eyes wide with amazement each and every time—the ground routinely failed to open up and swallow me. It was a mystery, a miracle of life, like childbirth, farts, and German Beer, that I never took for granted; nay, I came to cherish it like life itself, or Family Guy, and European Death Metal CD’s. The afterglow is warm, my love—but it’s not always about you. It’s not about what happened, babe—but rather, what did not. Stomp the floor again, my dear—do you hear the whispers of the damned roll with the wind? Is their lightning in the sky, pointed like a bullet at our spines? No? God be praised; stay naked, girl—we’re doing it again.

Last night I had another dream; my first such dream in ten long years. But this dream, readers, was different. This time…the tide has turned.

We, as a culture, never learn. The same trends, the same scandals, the same old BULLSHIT—it all comes back around, like bellbottoms and syphilis.

In the late eighties, there was an Evangelical “Rapture Scandal” that nearly rocked the church—at least the Fundamentalist wing. There was an immensely popular book, you see, that predicted Christ’s return in 1988. Actually, there were several of them— prophecy teachers like Colin Deal, Charles Taylor, and Edgar C. Whisenant were all the rage back then. And on that Blessed Day, people shot their pets, quit their jobs, alienated friends and loved ones, and gave away their things en masse. People forget just how widespread this was. Time and gross embarrassment has minimized the scope of this event (or non-event, as such). But I remember. I, like all the others, watched the sky...and likewise watched in vain.

American society is due for another such Rapture Scare. Why? Because people are stupid, and they don’t learn. Nothing ever truly changes, so much as things simply tend to find new settings. The cycles just begin anew.

In my dream, this cycle had indeed begun afresh.

A full-fledged Rapture Scare—no doubt inspired by those vicious Left Behind books—was in effect. I dismissed it with a wanking motion. I was rebuked. In fact, dare I say, my mailbox was just filled with froth and spittle, the weeping of pious loved ones, and the ravings of the White Christian Majority, who attacked me on the internet for “my arrogance in second-guessing ‘God’”. At last that day—that Blessed Day!—was upon us. I was staying with my folks. My father slept, slumped over on the couch. He figured that if Christ could raise the dead, He could at least poke him awake to take him home. My mother dreamt of racing across the backs of those already in mid-air.

She’d crawl past every rotten Calvinist, to poke her head in Glory’s Hole. Now my parents, above all people, would know that even Christ said that He “didn’t know the day.” But even they were caught up in the hype. The minutes ticked. The hours melted into madness for the weeping, waiting throngs—heads bowed, hearts deep in prayer, and candles lifted to the sky, like lighters at a Lynyrd Skynyrd show. Some friends of mine, who knew the Scriptures stated that a “trump shall sound” at the appointed time, got an air raid siren. When the “Holy Hour” hit, they let the siren wail, and hundreds of eager glory-hounds leapt off their pious lawns, only to fall flat on their face. When the tears and laughter faded, only disappointment filled the day’s remaining moments. The time had passed, and none had cracked the sky. It was just like a Carpenter God: Like any workman, he promises to return, but never shows… For “God” was a pilot that once flew over this island Earth…leaving followers, in child-like faith, praying daily to, and waiting for, the planes.

The last thing I remember in my dream was this: I was typing on my blog. The title of my post was, “ARE WE ALL DONE BEING STUPID NOW?” But as I woke, the answer came: The answer, I’m afraid to say, is "No.” )+(

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written by Matthew Gorman

Demons

The very word brings to mind images of evil: nefarious conjurers, pentagrams and ancient grimoires. Unholy spirits called forth from some dark, nether region to do the bidding of wicked men and women. But what truth lies behind this Hollywoodish imagery? Are there really such things as demons? And if so, what exactly are they capable of?

The word ‘demon’ comes to us from the Greek daimon, which means spirit or intelligence, but it hasn’t always beared the strictly infernal connotations that it now has. The Greek daimones could be evil in nature, true, but others were good and often called upon by people for information or assistance. They were more like minor gods, if you will, and this is indeed what many of today’s demons once were, the pagan gods of yesteryear.

For example, in many of the early writings of the Judeo-Christian tradition, especially in those that reference the Apocalypse, we now find demons carried the names of former Mesopotamian, Persian and Semitic gods once worshiped prior to the advent of monotheism. In fact, demons themselves only began to play a significant role in the cosmology of Judaism after the first diaspora, when the influence of Zoroastrianism, with its intrinsic duality of good and evil, became intermingled with early Semitic beliefs.

And for as long as there has been belief in demons, across every culture, from the shaytan of the Muslims to the asuras and raksasas of Hindu tradition, mankind has devised or discovered magical means with which to control them. Undoubtedly, one of the most famous of these people was the legendarily sagacious King Solomon. Solomon was the second son of King David and the third King of Israel who ruled in the 10th century B.C. Religious writings from the Syriac, Ethiopic, Arabic and Hebrew traditions during his rule regarded him as a master magician, second to none. He was said to possess a magical ring bearing a seal that gave him power over the spirits (demons) whom he compelled to do his bidding, including the construction of his ever-famous temple. The Jewish historian Josephus Flavius recalls an incident in the first century A.D. when a contemporary of his named Eleazar came into possession of Solomon’s ring. Eleazar used the powerful talisman to expel a demon before the stunned Roman court of the emperor Vespasian.

Josephus also mentions the existence of a book, its authorship attributed to Solomon, which contained incantations and instructions for the summoning and controlling of demons. While some more credulous occultists certainly believe this to be the first historical reference to the magical text, or grimoire (from the Latin for ‘grammar’), known as Clavicula Salomonis (The Key of Solomon the King), it is doubtful that the book, at least in its current form, was conceived

by Solomon or anyone even remotely from his time.

For one thing, as occult author Richard Cavendish states in a modern preface to the manuscript “...he [Solomon] is unlikely to have shared the Key’s concern with demons who inhabit a hell of a much later date.” In fact, while some claim that the book’s origins predate the 12th century A.D., there is no definite historical mention of the grimoire until 1456. Nevertheless, The Key of Solomon and its companion volume The Goetia provide a standard for demon summoning generally unparalleled to this day.

The Goetia (from the Neoplatonic term meaning “low magic”), in particular, reads like a compendium, replete with evil spirits and their sigils (symbols used in the invocation of the demons).

One of the primary goals of a goetic magician is to summon forth the particular demon they are invoking ‘unto physical appearance’. Said entities usually appear within the billowing smoke from a censer burning incense within the ritual chamber or area. The demon is then held within a restric-

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tive space, generally a magical triangle, to prevent its escape, and to prevent it from destroying the magician as he or she enlists its knowledge or aid.

By some accounts the demons are metaphorical, or thought of as elements of the unconscious mind of the magician. Therefore, to be ‘destroyed’ by a demon is more akin to falling prey to one’s own ego, or to losing one’s mind, than it is to actually being torn asunder by some Stygian creature. The infamous British magus Aleister Crowley contends in an introductory essay to a modern edition of the Goetia that “The spirits of the Goetia are portions of the human brain.” However, he also speaks to the holographic paradigm by effectively saying that this makes them no less “real” than what we typically consider our “objective” reality as “...all sense-impressions are as much as “realities” are, in the class of “phenomenon dependent on brainchanges.”

Whatever the case may be, the demons contained within the Goetia, and in other grimoires such as The Book of the Sacred Magic of Abramelin the Mage and the 6th and 7th Books of Moses, are not things to be taken lightly or dabbled with by the untrained and foolish. The 6th and 7th Books of Moses (which, like The Key of Solomon are named after but surely not created by their Biblical eponym) are considered particularly dangerous. They are often used by followers of the Vodun/ Obeah religion, claimed by some to retain portions translated from the Cuthan-Samaritan language, extinct since the 12th century A.D. In more superstitious circles, it is thought that if they are kept within a home a great tragedy will soon befall that house, most likely death.

The most potentially powerful, and subsequently most dangerous, of all the magical systems that deal with demonic forces is that of the Enochian. The Enochian language is said to be the language that Adam spoke before the biblical ‘Fall’, allegedly rediscovered in the late 1500’s by John Dee and his associate Edward Kelley. Dee was the official court Astrologer to Queen Elizabeth the I, while Kelley was a soi-disant psychic medium who claimed to receive visions through a magic crystal given to him by an angel. Kelley was said to have dictated to Dee, while in a state of trance, the entire Enochian language, complete with syntax. Dee was also able to receive through Kelley’s mediumship The Book of Enoch and the secrets of Enochian Magick.

While many historians believe Kelley to be somewhat of a charlatan and a rogue, it may be true, in fact, that he did actually possess some form of second sight, as the poetry and complexity of the Enochian conveyances went far beyond the abilities of a simple huckster. In addition, as many a magician can corroborate, the system not only works, but works well. The level of danger involved in practicing Enochian magick is well documented, as many of the forces therein are truly destructive. Chief amongst these is the demon Choronzon.

Choronzon is the lord of illusions, a demon of chaos, dispersion and malice. In the writings of John Dee, Choronzon is synonymous with the serpent in the Garden of Eden, and it is Choronzon that may have caused Dee and Kelley to fearfully abort any further explorations into magick.

Choronzon is also associated with the Biblical ‘Legion’, as his is not one personality but the infinite shifting forms and babbling minds of the Abyss. Crowley, paraphrasing Kelley (whom he believed himself to be a reincarnation of), refers to Choronzon as “the first and deadliest of all the powers of evil...” and goes on to describe him thusly in his book The Vision and the Voice.

In Crowley’s Thelemic system of magick, which relies heavily on the Enochian system, Choronzon exists as a final obstruction on the path to enlightenment, the Abyss that must be traversed in order to achieve true mastery. One interpretation that many magicians subscribe to is that Choronzon, while perhaps still very much a part of a collective unconscious “reality,” is

the manifestation of the individual ego that must be destroyed so that true consciousness can ascend. Peter J. Carroll, and fellow chaos magicians like him, tend to believe that Choronzon is more akin to the amalgamation of all the negative psychic residue floating about the aether. Whatever the case, there is one thing that is for certain, many magicians attempting to control the power of Choronzon have wound up either injured or going completely insane. Crowley, himself, encountered the dangers of Choronzon in North Africa in 1909.

Crowley and his disciple Victor Neuburg had been wandering through Northern Africa invoking the Enochian Aethyrs, which are the higher planes of consciousness (existence) within the Enochian system. On December 6, 1909, in the dessert near Bou-saada, in what is now modern-day Algeria, Crowley elected to invoke the 10th Aethyr, the dwelling place of Choronzon.

Crowley and Neuburg constructed a magical circle for protection and a magical triangle to contain the demon. It was Neuburg, however, who took his position within the protective circle, acting as the ‘Scribe’. Crowley, who bore the title of ‘Seer’ for this working actually took his place inside the triangle, completely covered by a black robe.

The intention, it seemed, may have been to evoke Choronzon from Crowley’s own unconscious in order to confront him, and if being successful in that endeavor, to reach ascension. Three pigeons were slaughtered at each angle of the triangle, their blood serving as a physical link between the worlds of spirit and matter. During the course of the invocation, Neuburg was able to physically observe the demon’s manifestations. It took on the form of a woman he once loved, and then became a monstrous serpent with a human head. It also would speak to him in Crowley’s voice but he claimed that it never once assumed Crowley’s form. All the while, the demon attempted to coax Neuburg into leaving the circle.

When the demon was unable to accomplish this feat, it begin to recite garrulous bits of poetry in order to distract Neuburg who was transcribing all that transpired. While he was busy writing, the demon (perhaps facilitated by the physical hand of a ‘possessed’ Crowley, it is unclear from the writings) began to throw sand onto the circle. Once the circle was partially destroyed, the demon, in the form of a fanged savage, rushed into it (apparently unable to be held by the magical triangle) to attack Neuburg. He managed to fend it off, wielding a magical dagger, and then set about repairing the circle.

Crowley’s writings concerning the incident seem purposefully ambiguous, but Israel Regardie, Crowley’s secretary and biographer, brings to light some interesting questions and theories in his book The Eye In The Triangle.

He writes, “But what did really happen here? Was Victor the victim of hallucination? Or did he actually perceive phantoms that were evoked out of Crowley’s psyche, and rendered objective by the use of blood and incense and ectoplasm? Or did Crowley, out of his mind temporarily, actually attack Neuburg?”

It is said by many occult scholars that Crowley, and certainly Neuburg, never fully recovered from the encounter with the demon, although Crowley in his writings clearly believes he reached ascension. Still, his immense ego never subsided and his later writings became more and more convoluted and insane; factors which lead one to believe he never truly overcame the ordeal.

So then, Demons. Figurative or at least in some sense real? There certainly seems to be something to all of this fascination with contacting and controlling these dark forces. Men and women have spent their entire lives in pursuit of such magicks. Have they wasted their time with lunacy or have they achieved results with frightening connotations? Wherever the answer may lie, it might not be a place you want to go looking.

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Holiday greetings, Sagittarius. I wish I could yawn you to sleep with fortunes of a Merry Christmas this chilly December, but I cannot. You cannot escape the darkness of this dreary month, and the only question that you must answer is whether or not you will escape the macabre thoughts that they have brought. Don’t fool yourself by listening to fairy-tale astrologist, either. Their tales of elaborate gifts, loving family visits and mistletoe hanging over-head with beauty in hand are untrue. No, not this year.

Nor any year past, so maybe that’s the reason for you ill thoughts. Maybe it’s the economy and your poor financial state. Maybe nightmares of year’s past hang from your plastic tree staring you in the face night after night this year. All I know for sure is that your planets are not lining up this month as they are for other Sagittarius, like Tom Waits, Brad Pitt and Samuel “Mother Fuckin’” Jackson. No. This year your in the shitter with the likes of Donnie Osmond. Now you know you’re fucked!

So what does all this mean for you? You must look for the signs, they are all around you. For starters, you come from a broken home, the product of an unwanted birth and an unwed mother. Don’t be fooled by memories of Christmas’ past. The photos and presents have been a hoax. You have been lied to. And you know you have always entertained suspicions in the darkness of the night while hidden under your covers. That’s really the least of your problems facing you this month, but it is relevant.

I understand your control. You’re an educated person. Intelligent. Incapable of loosing it all. But don’t let your education get the best of you. Attending the University of Puget Sound by way of scholarship will not save you. Nor will having received a degree in psychology from the University of Washington in Seattle. And your grooming by the Republican party for local office is of little help now.

Of course, these factors may help you escape the wrath of the police and prosecutors that will hunt for you when all reasoning fails.

What makes Christmas difficult this year is the loneliness. School has been out for years. You despise your family, and reasonably so now that I have confirmed your darkest thoughts. And you have no friends, none whatsoever. You are alone. The constant Christmas commercials and made-for-television holiday movies are beginning to drive you past wit’s end. You need a companion to share this season’s aches; willingly or unwillingly if need be.

You don’t even realize it but your innocent glances are becoming stares. Thoughts of following one home, just to see where they live or what routines they follow have began to enter your psyche. As an educated, witty and attractive Sagittarius you know that brut strength is not necessary to capture your prey. You’re already thinking of using the “wounded animal” trick at the back of your SUV or van, wearing an arm sling or using crutches to lure in your victim. And you know that one always works.

I know that right now you’re thinking: “I’m not an animal, and I’m not crazy and I’m not a split personality.

That’s all there is to it. People refuse to believe that. That’s their problem. There’s nothing in my background... nothing in my background, no one factor or collection of factors that would explain or would otherwise lead one to believe that I was capable of murder.”

You know who you are starting to sound like?

Another infamous Sagittarius, Theodore Robert Cowell. He once said, “We serial killers are your sons, we are your husbands, we are everywhere. And there will be more of your children dead tomorrow.” Perhaps you know him as Ted Bundy. The question for you today is whether or not you follow your dark thoughts and become another infamous Sagittarius serial killer...

Disclaimer: For all you crazy, disturbed weirdos out there, this horrorscope is for entertainment purposes only.

It does not in any shape or form depict any real characters or situations in your near future. So please don’t kill anyone. Say it wih me, Killings bad, MmmKay...

This, I Shamelessly Tell You If They Love You After a ‘Science Experiment’ Goes Awry, They Really Love You

by Rajkhet Dirzhud-Rashid

A

s I sit writing on the home computer (the one my life partner's sis gave us a couple of months back, thus ending our evenings and my afternoons at the local wi-fi cafe), everything seems to be humming. There's that feeling of expectant celebration in the air, and at my local grocery store, everyone's being friendly and part of me even feels almost ready to be nicer to the drug dealer who scams selling papers in front of the store. Almost, but not quite; just not ready to get chummy with that scrub, or his 'minions'.

Luckily, however, there isn't the 'hum' of strange, new life on our one living room table, thanks to my humble, sweet slave. It is a very good thing to have someone for whom cleaning up really nasty messes is not as hard as it is for this lacking-metal-in-her-chart writer. Trust me, my little 'science experiment' would have made most people throw up their hands and run, cursing me forever, from my apartment, and my life. Fortunately, my dear slave/sweetie, just looked at the mess (the once beautiful amanita mushroom we'd taken in to decorate my magic altar where I honor alternative deities in my space, had exploded with little worms and was about to take over the whole area near it). Yuck is an understatement, to be sure.

I was so glad to have my slave, sans clothing (which was easier than risking any of that mess getting on clothing) put shoulder to task and watch the mess shrink and then disappear out the door with some other trash that needed to have been gone long ago.

I wanted to just hug him/her and it was a pivotal moment as I remembered several other 'science experiments' that I'd done in the past (the tiny frogs I'd fallen in love with and stuffed into a lunchbox to bring home from a recent family outing to my father's godmother's home, and the 'nature art' that withered after being plucked and once again put in a lunchbox after another family outing to another relative's farm). Hey, the inner boy in me was always alive and well, and even at 54, is still the core of who I am.

Did I mention that there wasn't a stream of obscenities yelled at me while dear slave of mine was cleaning up that horrid mess? Not a one, and later that evening, my slave dressed in her girl self and we went to challenge the mores of a local shopping mall outside of the safety zone of Capitol Hill. The 'science experiment' behind us, we got make up samples, window shopped for each other's Christmas presents, and I bought this fine leopard hat that is now keeping my ears warm in Seattle's slowly dawning winter weather.

Ah, and yes, the 'altar' was re-formed, with a promise that I'd keep an eye on yet another large amanita (which as I write this, is part of landfill, somewhere, as it went through the same unfortunate 'transformation') to make sure things didn't get out of hand again. In fact, with dried flowers, more local flora and fauna, including some smaller mushrooms, the 'magic area' is even better than ever. So, if there are fairies in the apartment, they're certainly happier now, and the apartment is home only to two cats, myself, and (when he's not working that awful 'day job') my slave.

Yeah, it sounds a bit corny, I know, to say that if you can fuck up that badly and have your partner still love you, you can be sure you're gonna be together 'til all your teeth fall out and beyond. Still, in a world of chaos, almost organized hating and political insanity, something as simple as the love of my slave is pretty damned cool, to me. Sure makes the upcoming holiday celebration something I'm really looking forward to, 'cause we're once again going to be hanging out with my slave's relatives (who don't know the kinky nature of our relationship, because we're not sure they could handle such details) and even the 'boy self' inside of me will feel welcome. Guess from now on, I'll leave certain flora outside, and only take inside things my slave won't have to clean up later, and things that don't have a buzz about them two days after I bring them inside.

This, I shamelessly tell you.

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Ask

t u l S The

by The Beautiful Kind

Does A Personal Connection Make Sex Worth It?

Dear Slut, Would you rather a) have sex with someone you felt a positive personal connection with, even though you knew the person wouldn’t be very good at it, and hence the experience wouldn’t be that pleasurable? Or b) have sex with someone who was really good at it, even if you didn’t feel a positive personal connection with them? (Some might say that the questions are making false presuppositions — that you’d automatically get pleasure from someone you felt close to, and that you couldn’t from someone you didn’t. But I don’t think so — we can imagine that the person you feel close to has a barbed penis - ouch! - and I’m pretty sure that you have an active enough imagination that you could fantasize your way into enjoying sex with the person you didn’t feel close to.)

The Philosopher Dear Philosopher, OK, first of all I keep picturing a barbed penis. Thanks a lot. Besides that, I have about a million thoughts bouncing around my head, but will try to narrow it down to two points: 1. Naturally I’ve tried both scenarios you’ve described, and I’m going to have to go with option B. Once I was swinging with this couple, and I was not into the dude at all - bad tattoos, a sport-o, average cock, not smart. He wasn’t eloquent with his tongue, but omigosh he was good at pussy licking. His wife suggested, “Take her to The Chair, honey,” so he carried me over to this generic easy chair in their living room, sat down in it and plopped me on top of him. I rode him hard, and I’m not sure what it was about The Chair or the dude, but it was amazing, and I simultaneously orgasmed with this guy I wasn’t even attracted to. Who knew?

2. As for option A, why waste my time? Having sex with someone I lack that “spark” with really does feel like “bumping uglies.” Why not just stick to non-sack activities like discussing a book, cooking together, or going to the garden with the person I connect so well with on non-sexual levels? UNLESS I’m doing them a favor and trying to teach them a thing or two. I’ve helped many an inexperienced young stud explore how to pleasure a woman or indulge in uncommon positions or rougher-thanvanilla sex. This type of charity work warms my slutty little heart.

Are Artists Sexier?

Dear Slut, Do you think that there’s a connection between sex and artistic expression? Both are closely tied to the idea of creation, so would the connection be strictly categorical? Or could the hormones released during arousal give the brain a little boost? As a lover of the arts and sex, I’m really curious about your thoughts on the subject. ~Mr. Always in Need of a Muse Dear Always in Need, I definitely think creative people are better in bed - artists, musicians and so on. Who would you rather sleep with - a composer/cello player, or a tax accountant? Yeah, it’s a no brainer. But it really gets interesting when you throw crazy into the mix. Both crazy and artistic people tend to be passionate.

Sex with the mentally ill or artistic types is usually great, but the trouble with mentally ill people is that they’re only fun about half the time. During their down moments you have to deal with medication and locked units. With artists, you get to fill in the blanks with good art and stimulating social events like concerts and art openings. Of course there are plenty of artists who are crazy - think Van Gogh and Sylvia Plath.

An interesting study on Schizophrenia.com from a couple years ago had this to say: “A survey conducted by psychologists from Newcastle University and the Open University suggests that creative people share several key traits with schizophrenia sufferers. The most sensationalist outcome of the study is evidence that artistic people are twice as sexually active as the norm.

However, the study makes the serious point that the inclusion of schizophrenia traits within the artistic personality, and the corresponding genetic pattern, may explain why the full-blown disease persists despite the evolutionary argument that schizophrenia’s negative impact on relationships and reproduction would eliminate the disease from the gene pool.”

Ah, so THIS is why my poet mother who shaves her eyebrows and shoplifts kittens and had five kids.

Bottom line: You know you’re in a good relationship when your partner inspires you to accomplish great things. And you’re getting lots of oral sex.

Got a sex, relationship, BDSM or fetish related question? Kendra Holliday of The Beautiful Kind is a sexpert with over 20 years experience and is happy for you to learn from her mistakes while soaking up her hard earned wisdom. Email your kinky queries to love@thebeautifulkind.com - www.thebeautifulkind.com.