Realities

The Pendulum Staff

The Cheese

“NO SHOUTING!” Yelled Dad from the basement. I told him it was going to be loud, but I guess his hearing was better than I expected it to be. Bang! The basement door slammed against the concrete wall. The cheesy bread returned! “Why must you continue to follow and torment me oh cheesy bread?!” I shouted. The cheesy bread did not speak but remained staring, its eyes locked with mine. Being made of cheese, it had no real recognizable features aside from its bright, mesmerizing, unblinking blue eyes, which were disturbingly bloodshot, and seemed to pierce through my soul. “Is the cheesy bread back again?” Dad yelled. “At this point, it’s over so often we should just adopt it.” I told my dad I enjoyed being an only child and I wasn’t about to sacrifice my joyful solitude for a bloodshot loaf of disturbingly abandoned cheesy bread. But after all, who would abandon such a delicate feast?

Fairy Kidnapping

It all started when I accidentally picked up the wrong suitcase at the airport. I could have sworn it was mine until I heard a shifting from the trunk on the drive home. I opened it and a small person climbed out and ran away into the abyss. That was my last fairy sighting before I was kidnapped by them. Despite the stories, fairies are neither majestic, cute, nor sparkly, much to my disappointment. I mean, really, what was the point of getting kidnapped by them if they weren’t even sparkly. They didn’t even make good food! This was no tinkerbell adventure let me tell you. As we made it to the exit gates, the lackluster fairies hoisted me onto a chariot covered with cobwebs. They fastened me in and the chariot prepared for takeoff until suddenly, out of nowhere, a jet took flight. The horse piloting it shouted down to us, mocking the fairies for their antique, dilapidated ride. I tried to call out for help but it just called me a jet-less loser. I’ve never been particularly fond of horses. The fairies decided to get revenge on the horse, and they started to push the jet straight up into the sky.

Ultimate peril set in…godzilla-sized rats leaped from catastrophically large trees. Tumbling over each other in their frenzied attacks, they screeched and nipped at anything that came near. The nuclear powers of the world launched warheads at the rats, but the metal morsels were too scrumptious for the rats to resist. While the rats feasted on aluminum bombs, the fire ants attacked. They merged into one gigantic ant and besieged the city. I ducked behind a truck that read “ant repellent..kill those darn pests”. Before that day, I had publicly defended the clever bugs, but once they took control, I was the first to run for my life. As the world seemed doomed, the billionaires heroically fleed Earth, leaving the rest of humanity behind.

The Rats

Ultimate peril set in… godzilla-sized rats leapt from their hiding places in catastrophically large trees. They jumped and tumbled over each other in their frenzied attacks, screeching and nipping at anything that came near. The American government launched a program to create a Godzilla-sized cat to defeat the rodents. But like many government programs, it had little impact. The rats swarmed the enormous cat, taking it down, and the government had no money left to spend on fighting the rats. The United States as well as the other nuclear powers like India and China decided to launch warheads. Unfortunately, the rats ate the warheads and they gave the rats superman-like powers. One could often see them flying around, shooting lasers from their eyes, before descending to ravage grocery stores in search of any leftover cheese. As the world seemed doomed, the billionaire Elon Musk heroically chose to flee to Mars, leaving the rest of humanity behind.

Around that time the fire ants attacked. They merged together into one gigantic fire ant and besieged the city. I ducked behind a truck that read “ant repellent..kill those darn pests”; I had grown fond of the clever bugs until one spotted me. At least they weren’t giant spiders. Quickly I picked one up and ate it. I took care to chew it, lest I swallow it whole and it eats out a hole in my body. I’d seen that happen to my friend Paul once. Not fun. The wandering beast had not come alone. 5 more gigantic ants peaked behind the truck. I couldn’t eat them all! I had just finished a giant loaf of cheesy bread. What was I going to do?!