Helping Children Cope

With Disappointment

by Dr. Carmen Anderson School Counselor

As parents we often encourage our children to be risk takers, to take advantage of every opportunity at their disposal. We see endless potential and dream about what could be. During those musings we envision the best possible outcome and rarely consider how we’ll handle moments that end in disappointment. And yet, the care and attention we provide our children during those moments are as impactful, if not more so, than situations that end the way we want. Consider for a moment your child doesn’t make the sports team they want, get cast as the character they wanted in a production, win the award they were hoping to receive or earn the grade they wanted on a test. How will you show up for your child to guide them in a way that helps them grow and be a better human as a result of that experience? While some might immediately think of turning their attention toward children first, I want to encourage you to pause. Ask how you’re feeling about the situation. If you’re bitter or resentful at the outcome or if you feel as though the situation is unfair, it may be wise to work through your own feelings before helping your child wade through their feelings. Once you’ve considered your own reaction, find an appropriate outlet to get the support you need. It’s rarely helpful to completely blame others for your children’s disappointments, and doing so doesn’t allow you to show up for them in the way they need. This is also an important step because children often mirror our reactions to situations. We want to teach children that having big emotions is a part of life, but that doesn’t give us the right to act however we want. Creating space before responding to your children’s disappointments will allow you to be the best version of yourself as you try to guide them through their heartache.

Once you’ve dealt with your own reaction, remember that being let down doesn’t always lend itself to a quick fix. Rather, encourage your children to label and have their feelings. Show lots of empathy and let them know you feel disappointed on their behalf. Share about times when things didn’t work out the way you had hoped and how you got through those moments. This approach is important because feelings will always find a way out. If we don’t create the space for children to open up to us, they’ll either go elsewhere for support, hide their true feelings or resort to less effective coping strategies. This is easier said than done because it can be difficult to tolerate seeing our children hurt. It may also seem as though our children will stay stuck if we don’t move them along. However, feelings are temporary and leaning into them ultimately leads to a better outcome. A little ice cream never hurts either, but don’t shower your children with treats, special outings or surprises at the expense of allowing them to work through their feelings.

Once your children are feeling less emotional about the disappointment, it can be helpful to look for the lesson. Use the wisdom from your own experiences to guide your conversations. Determine if it would be helpful to encourage them to look at the situation from a different perspective. Teach them not to doubt themselves but to be curious about making necessary adjustments should they find themselves in similar situations in the future. Ask if there’s anything they’d do differently. Encouraging children to reflect is important because we want them to feel empowered and to know they are not simply at the mercy of their environment. We want them to understand that disappointment is a part of life and not a reflection of who they are at their core. In the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” Be your child’s biggest cheerleader, remind them you love them, believe in them in spite of their disappointment and help them pick up the pieces one at a time.