PARENTING IN CHALLENGING TIMES Diane Partridge Early Years Specialist
Help children feel safe Children need to feel safe. Predictability and consistency will make them feel safe, and time spent putting these in place can give parents some much needed quick wins during the Coronavirus outbreak or any other challenging and stressful time. Emotionally led responses will escalate our children. If it looks like we as adults have lost control, then children will feel unsafe. It can be really hard to manage our own stress in some situations eg when he /she continues to do something when we want them to stop. Once you can see your buttons are being pushed then stop, take a deep breath and try a scripted response to help you regain control. Repeating the script like a “broken record “ can be really effective.
Feel stronger with a script to fall back on “I notice you are……insert unwanted behavour……. that has made sme sad. I need you to……..go down stairs/ come out of there/ pick up the crisps. Thanki you” Move away and give time to comply. If he complies, give praise. "Well done, I am so…pleased with /proud of /happy with you” If not compliant, then repeat the scripts and add: "Remember, yesterday/last week/this morning… when you…..followed my instructions/shared your toys/ate your food calmly…. That is the boy I want to see today.” Possibly add a distraction “ I really want to… read that book/play that game/go on the IPad etc” Again, give time to comply, praise if he does. If he doesn’t comply add a consequence. Consequences need to be proportionate, thought through in advance, and manageable to carry through. Again, give time to comply, praise if he does. If not then say.“…. I feel sad, you have chosen to …….insert consequence.” (You must carry out the consequence, so think carefully what it will be beforehand) If it is safe to do so, leave him and go to another place, if not stay close and monitor.
Top tips for keeping things calm
Try not to get pulled into discussions or debates. Stick calmly to repeating your scripts (broken record). Say nothing else. Ignore secondary behaviour, if you can.This means things like “talking back” and sulky behaviour. This is really hard, so be on your guard for it. You will deal with it later, you are not letting them get away with it! When he is much calmer, you may need to go back and tidy up the mess. You can help him to do this or even make it a game but he must get the message he needs to do this.
Chat about it later Later on, when he is much calmer, have a reflective conversation about what happened. If you do this too soon he might escalate again. Reflective conversations are when you calmly talk about an incident in a non-blame way. This is a way to coach your child through their emotions so that they learn for next time. For example, you might say: “I felt sad this morning when you….. tipped all the shampoo out…..what happened?”(don’t use “why”) Listen to what he says, he may be able to explain what happened. If not, you could say “I wonder if ……you were feeling bored/wanted to eat the crisps/were feeling cross with your sister etc…” Ask him what he could have done instead. If he isn’t able to answer or give appropriate answers you could offer an answer. For example, ask for help/play in his room/wait for help etc. Google "Emotion Coaching " as a way to help your child identify and regulate their feelings to avoid further outbursts in the future.
Other useful phrases *Acknowledge their feelings early on, and offer practical help.
“I can see you are upset, how can I help?” *Try the First/Then combo. Remember, don't get pulled into a debate, remain calm and repeat what you said. "First... (say what you need him to do) Then... you can….. (say something they have been keen to do)”
Use the ideas at the bottom of this pyramid often. This will start to pay off and you will need to use scripts to set limits less often.