praise for life to the full What delight and encouragement can be found in these pages! As a couple of abundant fertility, the stories in Life to the Full moved me many times to tears and gave me a deep appreciation of the sorrow and resilience that marked each couple’s testimony. Their witness to a life, buoyed by a faith tested and refined by their circumstances, is truly inspirational. I heartily commend this book not only to those travelling the road of “uncooperative fertility” but also those in parish ministry or with loved ones on that journey – it will open many big-hearted conversations and transform the way we approach infertility in our communities. Francine Pirola, Director, Marriage Resource Centre, Sydney NSW At a time when many couples are struggling with fertility issues Debra’s words meet couples where they are at, in the unknowing. Her story demonstrates struggles and joys that we can all relate to in our natural human hopes, expectations, and our ability to find and hold peace. Debra’s own experience and those of couples in this book made me laugh and reflect on the courage needed to find the fruit in the story of our own daily lives that are unique to us. This book has helped me to understand the vantage point of married couples bravely discovering the breadth and depth of fruitfulness in marriage when experiencing infertility. It has inspired feelings of honour, appreciation and gratefulness for the love couples with infertility are faithfully manifesting in our Church. Katie Fullilove, Natural Family Planning Educator, Diocese of Broken Bay, NSW Debra is very right when she tells us that this is a book “to be prayed”. It is indeed “the whispering of God” in her heart. In this book no matter what your particular “infertility” in life is, you will find the whispering of God in your own heart meeting your own pain. As you read the stories of these wonderful people and their struggle to find the fulfilment of God’s Divine Plan of Love in their lives, you will find that Love embracing your own story. In this book you will find yourself and God, thanks to the fidelity of Debra’s search and her open and honest account in these pages. This book is truly a gift to you from the God who has spoken through Debra. Mother Hilda Scott osb, Benedictine Abbey, Jamberoo NSW
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Vermeer is a journalist who runs a freelance media and communications business, working predominantly in the Catholic media. Previously, Debra worked for newspapers and the national newswire agency, including a period covering national politics. She was the Communications Officer for the Australian Catholic Bishops’ Conference from 2002-2009. Debra was received into the Catholic Church in 1999, is a Benedictine Oblate of Jamberoo Abbey, and holds a Bachelor of Theology. She is married, with two adult step-children.
Life to the Full STORIES OF INFERTILITY, FAITH AND A HOPE-FILLED FUTURE DEBRA VERMEER
ST PAULS
LIFE TO THE FULL: Stories of Infertility, Faith and a Hope-Filled Future Š Debra Vermeer, 2020 ISBN 978 1 925494 47 1 (paperback) 978 1 925494 52 5 (eBook) First published, April 2020
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage or retrieval system without permission in writing from the publisher.
Published by ST PAULS PUBLICATIONS – Society of St Paul P O Box 906 Strathfield NSW 2135 Australia www.stpauls.com.au Cover design by Matthew Price, transformationbydesign.com.au Internal layout by Kylie Maxwell, ePrintDesign.com
ST PAULS PUBLICATIONS is an activity of the priests and brothers of the Society of St Paul who place at the centre of their lives the mission of evangelisation through the modern means of communication.
DEDICATION This book grew from prayer and was sustained by prayer and I now give it back into the safe keeping of our good God. I dedicate it to Tony, Zac and Cassie, my family, who in opening their hearts to me, have filled my life with love and blessed me in ways they can never imagine. January 31, 2020 Feast of St John Bosco
CONTENTS Introduction 9
—1— Debra and Tony 25
—2— Philomena and Adrian 49
—3— Briony and Jesse 69
—4— Mary and David 89
—5— Trish and Glenn 107
—6— Trudy and Alwyn 123
—7— Laura and Joe 137
Appendix 153
Acknowledgments 157
9
Introduction In the great opening saga of the Bible – the Genesis creation story – the first words God speaks to Adam and Eve, the human couple He has created in His image, are both a command and a blessing: “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Based on this divine command, the Catholic Church teaches that children are “the supreme gift of marriage” (Gaudiem et Spes, 161) and that “By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1652). But what if a couple, despite fervently desiring to have children is unable to do so? What does that mean for their identity as man and woman? What does it mean for their marriage? Indeed, can a marriage without children find its true meaning at all? Can a couple who cannot conceive or bear children still be fruitful and multiply? If so, how? And if we have not received this gift from God, does it mean we are not blessed, that we are somehow forsaken? This book was born from personal experience of infertility. My husband Tony and I have been unable to have babies. We have wrestled with all of the questions above. We have felt the unfulfilled longing for babies that is a constant presence in the fabric of our marriage. We have dealt with sadness, anger and guilt and a rollercoaster of other emotions. And we have wondered where is God in all of this pain? But now, after 15 years of marriage I can truly say that we are
10
Life to the Full
at a place of peace with our infertility. We still get sad sometimes, but that’s OK. Those emotions are fleeting. They come and go with circumstance. What we have come to understand is that despite the cross of infertility we have been called to bear, or perhaps through it, we are infinitely blessed. God has given us a strong, deep and true love as a married couple. Tony, who was a widower with two teenagers when I married him, is blessed by fatherhood and I’ve been blessed by being step-mother to two of the finest human beings you’ll ever meet. We’re blessed with a shared faith, loving extended family and friends, good jobs and the blessings go on and on. We believe that our marriage is fruitful in many ways and that our love is multiplied and shared – just not in the way we had initially hoped for. When I was going through the depths of sadness during our journey through infertility I searched the shelves of bookshops and then the Internet for a book that might offer some spiritual nourishment, accompaniment or hope. While the shelves were groaning under the weight of parenting guides and books on different fertility methods and technologies, there wasn’t much around to support couples who continue to live with infertility. Then, after a while, I heard God whisper that maybe this is something I could do. As a journalist, maybe I could write such a book to share with people who are walking the path of infertility and are looking to do so in a faith context. This book then, is the result of that whispering of God in my heart. It tells our story and the story of six other couples who have walked their own path through infertility. Through the voice of the women involved, these couples bravely and honestly share their intimate struggles and joys and allow us in as they ask deep questions of themselves and God. It is a book of struggle, but overwhelmingly, I trust you will find it is a book of hope, as each couple opens themselves to God’s will in their life, finding not only
INTRODUCTION
11
a measure of peace in their infertility, but also new callings and new dreams. A wise spiritual director once told me that this was a book that had to be “prayed, not written”. That has certainly been the case and now it is my prayer that you will catch glimpses of our good God’s loving providence in these pages, through the couples you will meet and the testimonies they share. — As Catholics, we look to both Scripture and Tradition to guide us through this life on earth and prepare us for the next, eternal life with God, in and through Jesus Christ. Infertility is no stranger to the pages of the Bible. In fact, it appears periodically right through Scripture, in both the Hebrew Bible and the New Testament. It is in fact, a key component in the story of salvation history. The tricky and often confronting part of those instances of infertility in the pages of the Bible are that they almost always go hand in hand with God overturning the infertility and blessing His chosen couples with a child. This is usually conveyed as being a blessing and reward from God for their faithfulness in Him. What then are couples who are experiencing ongoing infertility meant to make of these stories in their own lives? Do they imply that God is choosing not to bless them? If so why? Are we not being faithful enough? And if we’re not being blessed by God does this mean that we are somehow forgotten or forsaken by Him? Reading those infertility narratives in the Bible can be lonely, confusing, and sometimes upsetting for those who cannot conceive a child. This was my experience for some time. I found little solace in these stories of God blessing infertile (and often downright elderly)
12
Life to the Full
couples with a baby as a reward for their faithfulness. If God could do that for women like Sarah, Rachel and Hannah in the Old Testament and Mary’s cousin Elizabeth in the New Testament, then why wouldn’t He do it for us? I could certainly relate to the suffering of these women, which is often graphically described. Hannah, for instance, was so grieved by her infertility and had been praying and weeping so much that people thought her to be drunk (1 Samuel 1:13)! I might’ve given off the same vibe some days when I was at my lowest. We are told that following these fervent prayers, God heard her and “in due time, Hannah conceived and bore a son. She named him Samuel” (1 Samuel 1:20). In the case of Sarah, we know that her husband, Abraham was told by God that even though he was old and childless, God would make him the ancestor of nations. “I will make you exceedingly fruitful; and I will make nations of you, and kings shall come from you,” God tells him (Genesis 17:6). And then He goes on: “As for Sarai your wife you shall not call her Sarai, but Sarah shall be her name. I will bless her, and moreover I will give you a son by her. I will bless her, and she shall give rise to nations; kings of peoples shall come from her” (Genesis 17: 15-16). Sarah laughs at the thought of having children in her old age (most people would probably faint), but of course, it all comes to pass. And just in case we’re left in any doubt as to how happy this baby has made Sarah, we read this passage from her: “God has brought laughter for me: everyone who hears will laugh with me.” And she said, “Who would ever have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age” (Genesis 21:6-7). Rachel’s story unfolds in similar fashion. Rachel and her sister Leah were the wives of Jacob. She was his favourite of the two (in fact, he had been tricked into taking Leah as his wife by his father-
INTRODUCTION
13
in-law), but she was barren. Leah bears Jacob child after child, but Rachel remains stubbornly without child. And then we read this: “Then God remembered Rachel, and God heeded her and opened her womb. She conceived and bore a son, and said, ‘God has taken away my reproach’; and she named him Joseph” (Genesis 30: 22-24). What?? God remembered her? Had she slipped His mind before that? Had God forgotten me too? Despite all my prayers and petitions? Moving forward to the Gospel of Luke in the New Testament, we are told that for Mary’s cousin Elizabeth, her child-bearing was a direct blessing from God. Elizabeth sums it up when she says: “This is what the Lord has done for me when he looked favourably on me and took away the disgrace I have endured among my people” (Luke 1: 25). For many couples going through infertility, it is a temporary thing, although it may last many years, and they will eventually conceive. For those couples, I think these Bible verses would bring great comfort; that even when it all appeared hopeless, God still brought about a child for them. And faith, and prayer and hope in God’s miracles are so important to couples in that situation. But for those couples for whom the baby never arrives, these passages, when read through the lens of your suffering, can be challenging. I struggled with this for a long time before I came to the realisation that I surely needed to reframe my reading of these verses because the conclusion I had come to about God from my current reading of them did not fit in any way with what I knew to be true of God. My studies in the Bible, theology and my own faith experience told me that God is good. He is all love and all goodness. Love is not just one of God’s many attributes, love is God’s very nature and
14
Life to the Full
essence (1 John 4:8). He does not abandon us or forget us (Isaiah 49:15). He knew me before I was born (Jeremiah 1:5) and he has great plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11). This is the God I know and love and trust. I just needed some help to get past my own suffering and frustration and come to a deeper, truer, understanding of what the Bible is saying in these passages. — I am lucky that through my work in Church communications over the last almost 20 years, I have come to know bishops, biblical scholars, theologians and spiritual mentors. So, when I wanted to delve deeper into the biblical accounts of infertility, I had plenty of experts to turn to. The first thing I was reminded of, was that while the Bible speaks to us today and always will, in every age, we also have to place it in the historical and cultural context of the time in which each of its books was written. The Bible was written at a time when, in the Jewish culture, fertility was indeed seen as God’s blessing and infertility was seen as punishment for sins or even of your forbears’ sins. Certainly, for the small band of Israelites surrounded by so many powerful, warring nations, it was crucial that they were fruitful and multiplied. With the coming of Christ, who took our sins to himself and died for them, the idea of sin and punishment being carried over from one generation to the next was redundant. So, my reading of these passages needs to take into account the historical and cultural beliefs of the time. The second great piece of advice I received was to step back from these verses and look at how they fit into the entirety of the great Biblical theo-drama. When we do that, we see that the first thing God does in the Bible is to bring light out of darkness, simply by speaking a word.
INTRODUCTION
15
And the pattern repeats throughout – God brings slaves out of Egypt, babies from barren wombs and Jesus from the tomb. Even when the people forget God or turn from Him, God remains the great, faithful liberator, bringing order out of chaos, and as human beings, we are co-creators with God, ordering the chaos. The bishops and scholars I spoke to told me that the key to understanding the role of the infertility passages in the Bible, lay in the Paschal Mystery – the suffering, death and resurrection of Jesus. That it is precisely in the dying – or the barrenness – that new life comes. Sarah, Hannah, Rachel and Elizabeth, are all key figures in the story of salvation history. They become women who give birth to blessing even though by the conventional understanding of their day they are cursed with infertility. They each play a key role in establishing the line from which Jesus himself will come, through God’s miraculous intervention. God always works through the lowly and the forgotten. God brings life from barrenness for His own purpose, which is to redeem His people, bring them back to Him, through Jesus Christ. Stepping back from these verses also allows a broader view of barrenness. One bishop told me: “There are many forms of barrenness or sterility in our lives, whether it be physical, psychological, spiritual, emotional. The question we have to ask, and this can only be done in individual lives, is how might the barrenness become a source of blessing? Because it is precisely at the point that each of us is barren that blessing is born.” Slowly I was beginning to understand. God is never absent from our life and from our suffering, although for a time, He might indeed seem to be silent. For me and Tony, the barrenness was physical. Others will experience barrenness in different ways at different times. These Bible accounts were not stories of God’s