FIFTEEN AND ELEVEN
A PERSONAL ZINE ABOUT BEING ABUSED, BEING RAPED, AND BEING GAY.
AT AGE FIFTEEN I WROTE A POEM. "ELEVEN" I can’t remember the first eleven years of my life. That part of my life has been locked away further than I could ever reach on my own. I often feel cold when friends I had during that period of time attempt to reminisce and I don’t even know who they are. Sometimes I suspect that the world is lying to me and that I was born at age eleven, or rather, constructed as some sort of sick experiment and there is a scheme to keep this information away from me.
I STILL DONT REMEMBER MY CHILDHOOD BUT I NO LONGER ATTEMPT TO COMFORT MYSELF WITH THOUGHTS OF HUMAN CONSTRUCTION, UFO ABDUCTION, OR CONSPIRACIES ABOUT MY ORIGINS.
MY CHILDHOOD WAS STOLEN FROM ME.
SHORTLY AFTER MY FIFTEENTH BIRTHDAY I WAS LIED TO AND MANIPULATED BY A MAN I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST. A MAN SEVERAL GAY TEENAGE BOYS THOUGHT THEY COULD TRUST.
I STILL CAN TASTE THE SWEAT ON HIS FACE, THE SALIVA ON HIS MOUTH, THE RANCID CIGARETTE LINGERING ON HIS LIPS MOMENTS AFTER HE HAD FINISHED SMOKING IT. I STILL TASTE HIM NEARLY FOUR YEARS LATER.
THIS WAS NOT THE MAN WHO STOLE MY CHILDHOOD
I MAY NEVER KNOW FOR SURE WHO THAT WAS. I HAVE SUSPICIONS AND CLUES BUT I STILL ONLY REMEMBER HOW IT FELT, NOT WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE OR WHO HE WAS. I WANT TO KNOW BUT I DONT WANT TO REMEMBER
THE MAN WHO I SLEPT WITH AT FIFTEEN ABANDONED ME AS SOON AS HE TOOK MY VIRGINITY, OR AT LEAST WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS MY VIRGINITY. I THOUGHT HE THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL. HE TOLD ME I WAS SPECIAL. HE MADE ME THINK I WAS SPECIAL.
HE HE HE HE HE HE HE
LIED. HE LIED. LIED. HE LIED. LIED. HE LIED. LIED. HE LIED. LIED. HE LIED. LIED. HE LIED. LIED. HE LIED. HE LIED.
THEY WILL SAY ANYTHING TO GET YOU NAKED AND ALONE.
WHEN I WAS ELEVEN I WOULD STEAL MY FATHERS PORNO MAGS. I WOULD FORCE MYSELF TO MASTURBATE TO THE SATURATED IMAGES OF VULNERABLE WOMEN LIVING IN POVERTY WHO POSED FOR THE PICTURES SO THAT THEY COULD MAKE BETTER LIVES FOR THEIR CHILDREN.
I WOULD CRY EVERY TIME, WISHING THAT I COULD MAKE MYSELF ATTRACTED TO THEM INSTEAD OF MEN. I THOUGHT I WAS BROKEN AND THE SERMONS AT OUR CHURCH CONFIRMED IT. I THOUGHT I WOULD GO TO HELL. I PRAYED FOR GOD TO MAKE ME STRAIGHT.
I WAS TOLD BY EVERYONE I KNEW THAT I WAS A FAILURE AS A MAN AND THAT MADE ME A FAGGOT AND A SISSY.
THERE WAS NOTHING WORSE TO THEM THAN BEING A FAGGOT OR A SISSY.
AT AGE FIFTEEN I KNEW THAT THERE WASN'T ANYTHING WRONG WITH BEING GAY BUT I WAS STILL AFRAID OF BEING A SISSY. I DIDNT WANT TO ADMIT WHAT THAT MAN HAD DONE TO ME WAS RAPE, THAT IT WAS ABUSE, THAT IT WAS WRONG. I WOULD HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT IT AND I WOULD HAVE TRAUMATIC FLASHBACKS BUT I REFUSED TO CALL IT WHAT IT WAS FOR TWO YEARS. IF I ADMITTED THAT HE HAD USED ME IT MEANT THAT I WAS WEAK. I DIDNT WANT TO BE WEAK.
AT AGE ELEVEN MY DAD WOULD MAKE FUN OF MY INSECURITIES ON A DAILY BASIS. HE WOULD ALWAYS JOKE THAT HE WOULD MAKE IT UP TO ME BY PAYING FOR MY THERAPY WHEN I WAS OLDER. HE DID PAY FOR MY THERAPY BUT I QUIT BECAUSE HE GUILTED ME ABOUT THE PRICE.
WHEN I WAS FIFTEEN MY DAD WOULD GO TO THE BAR AND DRINK ALL NIGHT. HE WOULD COME HOME AND WAKE ME UP BY COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY IT COSTS FOR HIM TO FEED ME. HE DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND PAYING FOR HIS BEER.
I MOVED OUT OF MY DAD'S HOUSE BECAUSE HE THREATENED TO TIE HIS GIRLFRIEND TO A CHAIR AND SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD. I WAS NOT SAFE WITH HIM. I NEVER WAS.
I AM APPROACHING ADULTHOOD AND INDEPENDENCE. I FEEL STRANGE SAYING THAT I AM REACHING ADULTHOOD BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I WAS NEVER A CHILD AND I NEVER GOT TO BE A TEENAGER.
OF COURSE I KNOW I WAS ONCE A CHILD, I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER OF COURSE I KNOW I AM A TEENAGER, I AM EIGHTEEN. I JUST FEEL AS THOUGH I WAS FORCED TO GROW UP TOO FAST.
I WISH I COULD GO BACK AND CHANGE EVERYTHING