INSPIRATION

Photo credit: Bianca Des Jardins SOCIETY

There Once Was a Blended Family

By Marie-Christine Saint-Jacques, TS, Ph.D., Full Professor, School of Social Work and Criminology, Université Laval

EVOLUTION — In the history of the family, two important transitions gave rise to the formation of blended families: widowhood and—much more frequently these days—parental separation. In previous centuries, the much shorter life expectancy than the one we enjoy today left many children orphaned without a father or mother. In addition, the remarriage of widows and widowers was strongly encouraged by society. For a few decades now, the presence of blended families has been promoted by shifting values and attitudes regarding life as a couple. We want this to be satisfying and fulfilling. If this isn’t the case, many parents will decide to separate. However, this doesn’t put an end to their love life. Indeed, it is very common for them to get together with a new partner. Finally, it is often forgotten that a significant portion of children in Quebec are born into single-parent families. Many of them will see a step-parent come into their lives!

HOW MANY ARE THERE?

A survey of recently separated parents in Quebec shows that 43% of them are once again in a relationship two years after their separation. Among these, 41% are living with their new partner full-time, and 41% are doing so on an intermittent basis, with each person keeping their home. Yes, you can still be a step-parent even when the children aren’t there full-time, or when you only share certain periods of life together. It should also be noted that 2% of parents who are in a new relationship are with a partner who identifies as the same gender as them.

About 132,000 families in Quebec are blended—that is, they involve a spouse who is not the parent (biological or adoptive) of at least one of the children. This represents one in six two-parent families, a higher ratio than that of Canada. It is difficult to determine the proportion of step-parents who are men vs. women. A few years ago, more men played the role of step-parent. However, there has been an increase in the number of single fathers who engage in family blending, which leads to a growing number of women playing the role of step-mother. This is explained by the changes that have occurred in child custody arrangements since the 1990s. Finally, it should be noted that, according to the census, half of Canadian families with same-sex parents are in fact blended families, and that the majority of same-sex couples consist of two women.

THE SPECIFICS OF LIFE IN A BLENDED FAMILY

In the past, many studies were conducted to compare the well-being and functioning of blended families with those of intact two-parent families. In so doing, researchers supposed to a certain extent that intact families were a

benchmark or standard, which had the indirect effect of devaluing other family structures.

But beyond this structural question, families—whether they are blended, single-parent, intact, or with same-sex parents—take on the same purposes. They may all encounter challenges, experience difficulties, be places of attachment. These days, therefore, we try to place greater emphasis on the elements that make life within a blended family unique:

• Belonging to an extensive relationship network nourished as much by the blended couple and the children as by the bonds created in previous unions. • Having to maintain more permeable boundaries with those outside the family in order to facilitate the harmonious movement of the children between different households. • Dealing with a different family life than the one you probably had planned. For many step-parents, it can be overwhelming to go from single life to everyday life with children overnight. • Reconciling two family histories, and sometimes, as a couple, being in two different stages of life. • Juggling with the longer history of the parent/child relationship compared to the marital relationship. • Living in a family where the relationships aren’t only based on blood. Caring for children involves social rather than exclusively biological parenting. The children don’t all share blood ties: some have two, one, or even no parents in common. • Facing the paradox that arises from the weak recognition of the role of step-parent: caring for the children like a parent, but having very few rights regarding them. Legally speaking, step-parents are almost invisible! • Having to combat negative stereotypes (especially if you are a blended same-sex couple). Many studies have shown that families that deviate from the traditional model are stigmatized. But the situation is starting to improve, since in many societies, family diversity is increasingly seen as an asset.

HAVING A CHILD IN A BLENDED FAMILY

Many people today (but this was also true at other moments in history!) will have children in the context of successive unions. As a result, many step-parents will themselves become parents in a blended family. Many factors influence the likelihood that blended couples will have a child: the fact that the partners already have children, the number of children, their ages, and the type of custody. Furthermore, it is more likely that a step-mother who does not have children herself will become a mother, regardless of the number of children the father already has. The probability of a step-father without a child having children, meanwhile, is lower if his partner already has children. The birth of a child within a blended family is still a little-

24 Photo credit: Bianca Des Jardins documented reality, but families who have experienced this often report that the arrival of this child sends the signal that the family as well as the couple are here to stay. This birth can have a certain unifying power as a common emotional centre for all the family members, becoming a focal point. It also confers a clear parental status on the step-parents. A step-parent who becomes a parent may feel a more proximal connection to this new child who is their own, which contrasts with what they feel for the step-child. Some step-mothers who become mothers perceive the relationship as much more fragile and contextual, while others, now that they have experienced motherhood, find it easier to deal with their partner’s children.

Living in a blended family and taking on the role of step-parent is currently one of the ways of forming a family! It involves great and small joys, as well as certain challenges. Better understanding the specific dynamics of these families is an asset. Here is another excellent made-in-Quebec source of information that should absolutely be consulted: www.famillesrecomposees.com.

Sources

Charton, L., Lopez Barrios, M., Pacaut, P., & Gauthier Mongeon, J. (forthcoming). “Désirer un enfant en contexte de nouvelle union familiale.” In Saint-Jacques, M.-C., Robitaille, C., Baude, A., Godbout, É., and Lévesque, S. La séparation parentale et la recomposition familiale dans la société québécoise : les premiers moments. Québec, Presses de l’Université Laval.

Desrosiers, H., & Tétreault, K. (2018). Les trajectoires familiales diversifiées des jeunes nés au Québec à la fin des années 1990. Collection Portraits et trajectoires, ISQ, no. 23. Saint-Jacques, M.-C., Baude, A., Godbout, É., Robitaille, C., Goubau, D., Pacaut, P., Biland, É., Dubeau, D., Régnier-Loilier, A., et al. (2018). Enquête longitudinale auprès des parents séparés et recomposés du Québec (ELPSRQ), Université Laval, https://doi.org/10.5683/SP2/SJWLPK.

Gold, J. M. (2017). “Honoring the Experiences of Gay Stepfamilies: An Unnoticed Population.” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 58(2), 126–133, DOI: 10.1080/10502556.2016.1268020. Gosselin, J., Doyon, J., Laflamme, V., & H. David (2007). “Être mère dans la famille recomposée : Défis de la conciliation des rôles de belle-mère et de mère biologique.” Psychologie Française, 52(2), 217–229.17–229.

Lavoie, K., & Saint-Jacques, M.-C. (2020). “Lovers for a Time, Mothers for Life: Ecosystemic Analysis of Blended Family Experiences of Lesbian Mothers and Stepmothers.” Child & Family Social Work, 24(4), 946–954.

Hadfield, K., & Nixon, E. (2012). “Comparison of relationship dynamics within stepmother and stepfather families in Ireland.” The Irish Journal of Psychology, 33(2–3), 100–106. https://doi.org/10.1080/03033910.2012.708900.

Miller, A., Cartwright, C., & Gibson, K. (2018). “Stepmothers’ Perceptions and Experiences of the Wicked Stepmother Stereotype.” Journal of Family Issues, 39(7): 1984-2006. DOI:10.1177/0192513X17739049.

Ministère de la Famille (2018). “Caractéristiques et évolutions récentes des familles au Québec. Ce que révèlent les données du recensement de 2016.” Bulletin Quelle famille ?, 6(2), 17 pages.

Saint-Jacques, M.-C. (2021). “Reconnaître socialement et juridiquement le statut de beau-parent pour protéger les droits des enfants.” In La jeunesse au carrefour de la famille, de la communauté, du droit et de la société / Youth at the Crossroads of Family, Community, Law and Society. Edited by Noreau, P., Goubau, D., Saint-Jacques, M.-C., & Van Praagh, S. Québec: Éditions Thémis. Saint-Jacques, M.-C., Godbout, É., & Ivers, H. (2020). “People’s opinions and stereotypes about stepfamilies.” Journal of Family Issues, 41(11), 2136–2159. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X198960600. Saint-Jacques, M.-C., & Parent, C. (2015). La famille recomposée. Des escales, mais quel voyage ! Collection Parents, Éditions de l’hôpital Sainte-Justine, 239 p. Statistique Canada (2012). Portrait des familles et situation des particuliers dans les ménages au Canada. Familles, ménages et état matrimonial : recension de la population de 2011. Ottawa: Ministère de l’Industrie. Vézina, M. (2012). Enquête sociale générale de 2011 : Aperçu des familles au Canada — Être parent dans une famille recomposée : un profil. Statistique Canada. Ministère de l’industrie.

VALÉRIE ROBERTS Host, cultural columnist, writer, author, mother, and step-mother

26 Photo credit: Tania Lemieux

Step-Parenthood

Interview with Valérie Roberts

THE IMPORTANCE OF RECOGNITION — Host, cultural columnist, writer, and author Valérie Roberts became known to the general public in 2007. Since 2015, she has been in a relationship with chef Martin Juneau. She is the step-mother of his two children, and now a new mother of a little girl, Lucie.

In recent years, Valérie gradually became a role model and a spokesperson for step-parents in Quebec. In 2020, her book La blonde de papa was released in bookstores, bringing recognition and reassurance to step-parents. In May 2021, with the support of the Minister of Families, Mathieu Lacombe, Valérie established National StepParents' Day to celebrate those who often play a fundamental role in the lives of children. With authenticity and kindness, she explains her journey and her mission to us.

Why did you decide to create a day from scratch rather than amalgamating the celebration with the existing Mother’s Day and Father’s Day?

“The idea for National Step-Parents’ Day emerged in my mind when I started spending time with my step-daughters six years ago. When I met them, Simone was five and Léonie was two. They were young, but very early on, we had discussions about the place I was taking in relation to their mother. In the beginning, whenever we passed people in the street and they complimented me on “my daughters,” Simone and Léonie would automatically reply, “She’s not our mother! She’s not our mother!” But the more time passed, the less they felt the need to say it.

Anyway, everyone knows I’m not their mother. In any event, in our family, we know it very well! The girls associate my role with that of a second mother, but the term ‘mom’ isn’t for me. I felt like every time the

girls acknowledged my presence in their lives on Mother’s Day, they felt like they were betraying their mom a bit, which is quite normal.

“So, it seemed easier for the children to create another day entirely, to avoid conflicts of loyalty and uneasiness. I found it ridiculous and absurd that there was a World Nutella Day and a World Procrastination Day, but not one for people, men and women, who are involved body and soul in a relationship where the child isn’t their own, but who treat them that way.”

With the release of your book, people have found a waypoint…

“Yes, because it’s a complicated situation. Overnight, you have to find your place as a human being with your lover, but also with their children, and with the ex-husband/wife, who is the children’s other parent. Many questions arise at the same time: Will I be accepted by all the family members? Will I be able to discipline the children? Do I want to share my values with them? It’s a big challenge, because it all depends on the parent you’re in a relationship with, but also on the one you’re not. Although they aren’t in your romantic relationship or your family, they’re still part of the circle of this blended family.

In short, it’s all very complicated, so when no one talks about it either and it’s hard to find resources or books on the subject, it’s normal to feel alone!”

The girls associate my role with that of a second mother, but the term “mom” isn’t for me.

Quite rightly! Do you think it’s necessary to set up certain infrastructures to provide support for step-parents?

“Step-parenthood affects a large number of families in Quebec, but we prefer to act as if it doesn’t exist that much. It’s a bit taboo. There are many things that are in place, except they aren’t widely known, and even if you do some research, they’re not easy to find. In particular, in recent years, I discovered the Réseau pour un Québec Famille and the Fédération des associations de familles monoparentales et recomposées du Québec (FAFMRQ). However, not everyone feels like consulting an association to improve in their role as a step-parent. It’s an investment of time that might scare some people off. Going to the bookstore and buying a book, for example, is much less of a commitment. There’s a wide variety of resources for new mothers and those preparing to experience motherhood. But not for step-parents. Even the word ‘step-parenthood’ doesn’t really exist. We have ‘joint parenthood,’ ‘LGBT parenthood’… Most types of parenthood have a term to define them, but not ‘step-parenthood.’

That’s why I’m working with the Office québécois de la langue française to get it added, and I also asked them to question the French terms ‘belle-parentalité,’ ‘beauparent,’ ‘belle-mère,’ and ‘beau-père.’ Because when I created the day, people would write to me to tell me, ‘I love my son-in-law,’ since ‘beaux-parents’ means both ‘step-parents’ and ‘in-laws’ in French. But no, we’re not talking about that! It’s strange that there isn’t a specific word. In English, there’s ‘step-father’ and ‘step-mother,’ and ‘father-in-law’ and ‘mother-in-law.’ In Spanish, too, there are different terms, and in many languages around the world ultimately, but not in French.”

In your opinion, why don’t we talk about this reality very much?

“We still really aspire to have a loving relationship that will never end and to keep the family together, so it’s hard to admit that there has been an ‘explosion’ within a family. I also think that the conflicts that may exist between a step-father and a father, and between a step-mother and a mother, feed this taboo.

I’ve also already publicly questioned whether step-parents should have rights with respect to the children. I remember getting a lot of outraged and surprised comments from parents. As if step-parenthood takes something away from the biological parents, while they will always remain the child’s parents. And we say all the time that it takes a village to raise a child, but my God, we sure don’t want it to be a step-parent! Why?

I’ve had step-mothers in my life myself: my parents separated when I was six years old. Did I have affinities with some of them? Are there women I kept in my life? Yes, of course. But did they replace my mother? Never! My mother is my mother.”

What can be done to preserve the well-being of the children while creating a blended family, which is an overwhelming stage for everyone?

“I don’t think there’s any secret. You just have to remember that they are at the centre of the family, that they are the ones being dragged from one house to the other, and that you, as a step-parent, are coming into their daily life, but they didn’t choose you! It’s about being able to be a part of their lives without disrupting them too much, listening to their needs and what they want to tell you. Children are really smart, and they understand a lot more than we think. Something we established from the start was this desire to speak openly with the girls. ‘When somebody in the street tells you that you’re my daughter and that you’re beautiful, what do we do? Does it upset you? Does it bother you? Would you rather we answer that I’m not your mother and correct them? Or, since you and I know very well that you’re not my daughter and I’m not your mother, should we have fun with it instead and joke about it?’ The children didn’t ask for their parents to be separated or for another adult to come into their home, so you have to try to make the transition as smooth as possible.”

Do you think having had separated parents yourself helps you be a better step-parent?

“There are models of step-mothers I’ve had which I don’t want to copy, and others I’d like to be inspired by. The step-mother I’ve had for the past 21 years is an amazing woman who never had any children, and who always considered my sister and me to be hers. And that was nothing against our mother. On the contrary: that was everything for us. My father lives in the United States, so when we went to their house, it was ‘us.’ It was ‘our girls.’ So, when I met Martin’s daughters, I asked them if they were comfortable with me saying ‘my daughters’ and ‘mine’ when I talked about them. Because, for me, I always found it flattering when my step-mother would say

I was her daughter. It meant she was proud of me and that she loved me.

I think if we talked about blended families more and saw more examples in the media, it could be inspiring. It’s just important to see more of it.”

Photo credit: Bianca Des Jardins HOLISTIC HEALTH

A Passage Cradled by Water: From One End of Life to the Other

By Jacinthe Roy-Rioux, world and spiritual life collaborator

VASTNESS — Sensitivity. Gentleness and power. Our relationship with water is marked by memories. All life begins in water. From the intrauterine world until birth. The source of life, water takes us back to our deepest roots. Returning to water also means returning to the self.

From this perspective, water is the beginning and the continuity. In the form of holistic treatments or rites of passage, water accompanies us during birth, life, and death, marking the major stages of life.

IN-WATER MASSAGE: THE PERFECT HOLISTIC TREATMENT FOR PREGNANT WOMEN

Boasting the same virtues as massage on a table, in-water massage has been growing in popularity for several years, becoming without a doubt the muse of expectant mothers. For pregnant women, the third trimester is marked by a feeling of heaviness in the body. In-water massage meets the need to regain a feeling of lightness thanks to the position of the body suspended in water. The wave that envelops the body and the reduced gravity lets you surrender and be carried away. In addition to soothing physical tensions and stress, contact with

water soothes the mind, strengthens inner peace, and encourages a connection with the baby, who is also bathing in an aquatic environment.

Flø: massage in hot water*

A fully fledged technique created by Pierre Blais and recognized by the Fédération québécoise des massothérapeutes

“Massage on a table and massage in water are two totally different universes,” explains Pierre Blais, a massage therapist at Strøm Nordic Spa and the creator of the Flø massage. Combining the benefits of flotation and massage therapy, the Flø massage is an intense and immersive massage therapy experience offered in an outdoor pool heated to 37°C. Bearing the entire body, water softens each movement, helps restore range of motion, provides a feeling of lightness, and relieves muscle and joint pain and tension. The intensity in water is quite unique. When a body part is massaged there, the entire body feels the benefits of it at the same time thanks to the dynamic movement of the water. A true journey to the heart of the senses, the Flø massage offers a moment of letting go, carried by the current. Enveloped in water, the expectant mother floats and surrenders to the present moment, in communion with her baby.

Veechi aquamassage

A massage in hot water created by Carole Dion-Veechi according to the wave-like principles of aquamovement

During the 1970s, Quebecer Carole Dion-Veechi developed different techniques of movement in water: aquamovement, which is similar to aquatic yoga, and aquamassage, which will be discussed here. By using the undulation of water to create movement, aquamovement increases movement while decreasing effort. By harmonizing the body to the movement of the water, the resulting undulation creates space in the joints between the bones and muscles. As the patient lies on the surface of the water with the aid of flotation devices placed at their head and ankles, the therapist transmits a series of wave movements, mobilizations, light rocking, and gentle stretches to their body, promoting relaxation and release. When one part of the body is targeted, the resulting wave spreads throughout the body, which increases relaxation. Experienced in a pool of water heated to body temperature, the enveloping experience is compared to intrauterine memory. “We feel cradled as in our mother’s arms,” explains Carole Dion-Veechi.

GIVING BIRTH IN WATER

An approach marked by soothing and calm during a moment of high intensity, water birth, which has been practised for dozens of years in Europe, is becoming increasingly popular here in Quebec. Thanks to its effect of weightlessness, water allows you to surrender to the present moment with your body as a guide, which knows the way. While giving birth in water is beneficial for mom, it’s just as good for baby, who can be born in the same water that cradled them during the nine months of pregnancy. Enveloped by water, the newborn enjoys a smoother transition and a calm first contact with the world. A different type of childbirth characterized by well-being and intimacy.

In Quebec, water birth is practised in a birth centre, in certain hospitals, and at home, where the support of a midwife is essential, both for monitoring the pregnancy and for the delivery. In this regard, Australian researchers noted in the context of a 2018 study that 95% of midwives recommend that expectant mothers give birth in water to reduce the pain associated with childbirth and accelerate labour.

For expectant mothers, giving birth in water is synonymous with reduced pain from the contractions and lower stress. It also allows for an improvement in terms of breathing capacity, dilation of the cervix, and elasticity of the tissues and the perineum (and therefore a reduced risk of tearing). Water provides an effect of weightlessness, lightness, and muscular relaxation, which promotes bodily mobility and the efficiency of the contractions. For the baby, there is also reduced stress, a smoother transition from the aquatic environment to ambient air, and nearly immediate skin-to-skin contact. Since the mother’s contractions are more efficient, the trauma of birth is less pronounced. In hospital environments, women who use the bath also enjoy the relaxing effects of water, such as the relaxation of the muscles and tension, as well as reduced bodily resistance and pain related to the contractions. Safe and beneficial in many ways, water birth may be available to anyone interested in it; however, it is contraindicated for women with a high-risk pregnancy.

While Veechi aquamassage is recognized for its wave technique, the Flø hot water massage, which is similar to Watsu (water shiatsu), promotes relaxation through acupressure, stretching, and massage in hot water.

THALASSO BATH FOR BABIES: A WELCOME RITUAL IN THE WATER

The Thalasso Baby Bath is a return to the source, a transitional treatment. It allows the newborn to find their bearings by reliving the sensations experienced in their mother’s womb. Birth can be painful for both the mother and the baby. As a ceremony of entry into the world, the Thalasso treatment soothes the newborn, which is particularly welcome when the birth has been difficult, and often becomes a beautiful moment of bonding between the parents and their baby.

The Thalasso Baby Bath is recommended for all babies aged three to four days or more, and ideally under five weeks. Lasting up to two hours, the treatment involves a bath, a baby massage, and the sharing of information and massage techniques with the parents. In a warm and subdued atmosphere, the newborn is immersed in a bathtub full of water heated to body temperature, or about 37°C. Under the stream of water, the specialist rocks the baby and has them adopt different positions while holding their head and letting their body float. Observed and heard, they surrender and let go of their tensions, regaining certain positions that they adopted in their mother’s womb. The baby guides the session. The water relaxes the muscles, softens the joints, and stimulates blood circulation and the cardiovascular system. In the longer term, the experience promotes the baby’s sleep and allows them

to develop a bond of trust and security with their parents.

In Quebec, nine certified Thalasso Baby Bath technicians have received training from founder Sonia Rochel and offer the treatment at a specialized centre or at home.

EXPERIENCING WATER, REGARDLESS OF AGE

From the benefits of daily bathing or swimming to the thermotherapy experience, as well as doing water activities suited to young or old, experiencing water in all its forms is a source of openness, pleasure, and abandon.

Certain schools specializing in aquamovement offer an exclusive selection of classes, immersive workshops, and holistic treatments to refine body awareness in resonance with water. Commonly referred to as “baby swimmer” or “baby water movement,” aquamovement for babies helps toddlers develop motor skills, build confidence, and have fun in water. Some classes allow the parents to join in the experience so that they can also enjoy an increased sense of confidence. Offered to adults, aquamovement, inspired by Carole DionVeechi’s wave technique, presents aqua yoga, wave swimming, or water dancing to release tensions in the body and develop mobility, flexibility, ease, and fulfillment. Aqua yoga, AquaDouceur, and hydrotherapy are formulas suited to seniors that focus on stretching, joint health, and strength, while targeting problems specific to this age group, such as arthritis. In water, the body is weightless and regains a better range of motion. Contact with water helps increase blood circulation in the body, improve balance, reduce swelling in the joints and legs, and lower stress throughout the body.

Aimed at adults, thermotherapy is based on a relaxation ritual that alternates hot and cold, followed by a period of intense relaxation. It helps reduce stress and revive the body and mind. In particular, the thermal experience helps eliminate toxins, relax the muscles, improve sleep quality, and strengthen the immune system. It is conducive to good spirits, because the alternation of hot and cold releases energy and endorphins, the wellness hormones. Some spas, such as Strøm Nordic Spa, innovate by offering one-time events where children can also discover the benefits of the thermal experience, where the temperatures of the baths are adapted to them. During Børn family mornings, parents and children are invited to experience water, one thermal cycle at a time.