17 minute read
SOCIETY
22 Photo credit: Bianca Des Jardins
Ode to White Space
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By Julie Tremblay-Potvin, co-founder and president of De Saison – Art de vivre et de travailler
FINALLY! — You’re sitting down, magazine in hand. How often do you let your eyes and mind wander far from your phone screens and your thoughts? Have you ever thought about making this downtime a way of life? Would this be unthinkable, when life moves so fast? Or are you already doing it? Is this a luxury you dare not grant yourself, or rather a deep desire—a need, even—which you unfortunately don’t know how to meet? Between the desire and the reality of a daily life that breathes more, there is a question of perception. Let’s stop viewing our downtime as a time of laziness, time stolen from our to-do list, or even as a well-deserved reward at the end of our hard work. No, to make room for them more often, to silence the guilt, our downtimes must be considered strategic and useful actions, even necessary and essential to the proper functioning of our main work tool: our brain.
SLOWING DOWN
Between pandemic fatigue and the endless stream of news as distressing as it is polarizing, which crashes down upon us week after week, the world has never been so exhausted. In April 2021, 80% of managers claimed that they finished their workdays so worn out that they had no energy left for anything else. More broadly, most people claim that they work more when they work from home, using the time usually allocated to commuting to get down to business. Many even wondered how they would be able to resume their other social roles after the pandemic, because work was now taking up such a big place in their lives.
CULTURAL SHIFT
But how did we come, as a society, to eliminate the majority of our downtime? First, performance culture has become the dominant culture, so work expectations often take precedence over the needs of other areas. Or worse yet, we are no longer listening to our real needs, dazed by FOMO (fear of missing out), that fear of missing something or not seizing opportunities. The other culprit, of course, is hyperconnectivity. This is possibly the perpetrator that has put the nail in the coffin of our downtime. Immediacy has become our drug. The little mouse in our brain drinks up so many novelties and stimulations that it gives us a headache. But it can’t just stop, since it has been drugged by the surge of hormones that these activities give it.
This is how we lost our downtime: those empty times, free of demands, during which our mind can wander freely, like the time spent waiting in line at the grocery store or on the phone, during a taxi or bus ride. These now bother us so much that we fill them immediately, grabbing our phones and checking our messages, notifications of all sorts, and newsfeeds. In short, we end up taking less and less time to replenish our own energies and soothe our overstimulated mental space.
Ah, those humans! You have to laugh! But it also makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Do you agree with me that it’s possible to ask the question differently: What are we missing out on if we no longer have any downtime to enjoy? We’re missing out on real connection: the relationship with the self, with nature, with the natural rhythm of things. Connection with others, even, which we have missed so much during the pandemic. Will we be able to restore this skillful balance between stimulation, mental recharging, and inspiration? Yes, downtime can help us do that.
A HEALTHY PERFORMANCE TOOL CALLED WHITE SPACE
The official definition of this concept is “strategic time on the margins of everyday life to take a step back, calm your mental space, think strategically, and settle down.” As a strategic business advisor and a communications and creativity professional, I’m a regular at lacs-à-l’épaule, corporate retreats during which we reconnect, reflect, and plan, away from our computers. The idea behind white space is to create these little pockets of time for ourselves on a daily basis. Does this seem like an inaccessible luxury to you? What if those few minutes each day allowed you to reclaim your experience of work and life, to have days that were much more satisfying and less exhausting?
SEEING THE FOREST FOR THE TREES
There are several types of white space, from the smallest, such as the break between two meetings at work, to the largest: the famous retreat or lac-à-l’épaule. Between the two, there are all those moments of transition, such as riding in a car, walking to school, or working out, where we take the time to draw a line between our workday and our return to the family sphere. These moments of pause can even be invited to the office, where it is said that devoting 20% of our time to white space could help stimulate creativity and innovation, encourage strategic agility and learning, and prioritize overall health and the feeling of belonging to the team. Finally, there are those times for ourselves at the end of the evening or during our days off, which we sometimes forget to direct in an intentional and satisfying way.
WHAT EXACTLY ARE WE DOING DURING THESE WHITE SPACES?
We are letting the dust of our thoughts settle or putting them down on paper in a giant mental decluttering. Our “I have tos,” our plans, our past memories, our inner monologue. Studies show that spending just 20 minutes outside (alone, in silence, and without any screens) is enough to significantly lower the cortisol levels in our bodies, and therefore our stress. We can use this time to take a walk, observe our natural surroundings, and reconnect with our five senses. We thus detach ourselves a little from our thoughts; we let them cross our minds while we focus on nature for a few minutes. Inside, we will get the same benefits from touching a steaming cup of tea, listening to the sound of the kettle, or opening the window for a breath of fresh air, for example. An accessible first step to mindfulness. Once all your mental agitation has been soothed, it’s a safe bet that you will feel more present, more aware of your surroundings. You will be filled with a feeling of calm and satisfaction. In short, you will see things more clearly. At that time, you will have a better strategic perspective to orient your day in a realistic way, according to your real needs and priorities. And that’s healthy productivity! Happy white space!
FROM INTENTION TO ACTION
De Saison equips individuals, teams, and managers in this unprecedented transformation of the world of work. Its mission: to promote healthy performance reflexes for the health of individuals, their families, organizations, and communities as a whole.
desaison.ca
To continue the discussion on the transformation of the world of work and the importance of white space with Julie Tremblay-Potvin and Marie-Andrée Mackrous from De Saison (in French only), follow our podcast Centré sur l’équilibre.
Clinical coordinator at the L'Appui pour les proches aidants Caregiver Support Helpline
HELPING THOSE WHO HELP EVERY DAY — L’Appui pour les proches aidants is an organization aimed at promoting the emergence of a social consciousness favourable to caregivers and improving their quality of life. The organization offers multiple services, including the Caregiver Support Helpline, which is aimed at caregivers and those around them, as well as stakeholders and healthcare professionals. The Caregiver Support Helpline is a free and confidential service where trained counsellors offer support over the phone, email assistance, information, and redirection to appropriate resources as needed. In short, tools to help caregivers perform their roles while taking care of them.
What can you tell us about caregiving? How does this role emerge in someone’s life?
“A caregiver provides care and services to a loved one in a free and non-organized way, whether they are a family member, parent, friend, or neighbour. Anyone who supports someone in a vulnerable position or who is sick or suffering from a mental health, physical health, or addiction problem is a caregiver.
“It’s quite rare for people to see themselves as caregivers at the start of their journey. They tell themselves that it’s normal to take care of a loved one, and that they don’t deserve a special title because of it. We also conducted a study in 2016, and 20% of people who devoted 10 or more hours per week to a loved one didn’t recognize themselves in the role of a caregiver. At the Caregiver Support Helpline, we realize that people contact us when they have been caregivers for several years and are just starting to accept this, and—exhausted—they are thinking about asking for help.
“Most of the time, we become caregivers gradually, as we do with an elderly person who is slowly losing their autonomy. The role of a caregiver is therefore rarely obvious on the first day. You can also be a ‘passing-through’ caregiver in the life of someone who will subsequently recover, such as for someone suffering from a mental health problem like depression.”
In what state of mind are the caregivers who reach out for help?
“In addition to exhaustion, which is present in almost all cases, we often notice that caregivers feel helpless when faced with the progression of the disease, medical choices that the person being cared for is making for themselves, and conflicts between family members over certain issues. The emotional weight that comes with a situation where there is no way out and the person has no influence on what is going on is immense. Unfortunately, we can’t just wave a magic wand. However, we always try to consider events in their entirety, analyze all aspects of the problem in order to give the loved one as much power as possible, and ensure that they are equipped to act in the best possible way on the things that they can control.
Guilt, which leads to a kind of inner confrontation in the caregiver, is also often observed. Setting boundaries generates guilt in the caregiver, because they fear the impact that prioritizing their own well-being could have on the loved one if they devote less time and provide less care to them.”
How can you support a caregiver in their role?
“First of all, notice everything the person does: recognition is essential. Next, it’s important to take care of them. You can ask them how they are doing, how they are experiencing the situation, and initiate a discussion. Many caregivers don’t necessarily open up to their friends or families about their reality for fear of weighing down their relationships, creating discomfort, or placing their burden on those they love, so showing them our openness and attentiveness can be very valuable.”
Are there also positive sides despite the hardships?
“Of course! It’s not uncommon for caregiving to change the relationship between the caregiver and the person being cared for. A vulnerability is revealed, as well as an intimacy, where we discover new facets of the person we thought we knew. A purer form of needs and emotions emerges, and this often gives rise to very beautiful exchanges. The caregiver may also discover strengths and skills, particularly in terms of organization and communication. An affinity and a trust may develop, not just between the caregiver and the person being cared for, but also within the family, where the members who help each other may form stronger ties.”
Can L’Appui provide assistance to any caregiver, regardless of their needs and those of the person being cared for?
“Yes. We deal with organizations across Quebec, which often don’t serve the entire province, so depending on where the person calling lives, the resources that we offer them will be different. We have a directory of resources, also accessible to the public, which allows us to find the ones that best meet the needs that the person expresses to us, and those we observe during the call. Among the services that people may seek out, I’m thinking among other things of respite, stimulation workshops at day centres or at home for people suffering from Alzheimer’s, help with bathing at home, and individual or group support. Since each situation is different, the variety of requests we may receive is very wide.”
Equipping yourself in three phases: Where to start to fulfill your role as a caregiver without forgetting yourself
Question yourself regarding your limits: When we start to give time and care to a loved one, we often tell ourselves that we will do so until we are no longer capable. But after a few years, a load that we carried before may become too heavy. We are entitled to rethink our limits, which may change with time and circumstances.
Educate yourself about the disease: To prepare for what is to come.
Inform yourself about the available resources: CLSCs, at-home support services for the person being cared for, individual support groups or sessions that assist caregivers, etc. Familiarizing yourself with the resources to know who to turn to and how to proceed when you need it allows you to feel prepared and supported and will help you adopt the right reflexes when the time comes.
Crédit photo : Bianca Des Jardins
To listen to the full interview with Charlotte Beaudet (in French only), follow our podcast Centré sur l’équilibre.
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Does Parental Guilt Really Serve Us?
By Lory Zephyr, psychologist specializing in maternal health, perinatality, and attachment
DOWNTIME — After slipping off your bathrobe and sandals, you immerse yourself completely in a hot tub at the spa. That moment you’ve dreamed of for so long! You spend so much time taking care of your family, trying to achieve goals at work, and of course, maintaining your social relationships that you’ve really been looking forward to this relaxation time. You slowly begin to relax and enjoy that rare and comforting silence, when suddenly, the guilt starts to emerge: “How is my partner managing with the kids at home? Should I cancel my massage to catch up on that urgent project at work? Is this ‘me’ time really necessary?” These questions stir up that emotion in your mind that everyone experiences, but which we still don’t talk about very much. Let’s take a closer look at guilt to tackle it in all its complexity.
GUILT: AN EMOTION THAT SERVES OTHERS
We’ve all felt guilt at one time or another. While it’s true that this emotional experience is unpleasant, we don’t always realize that it serves humanity. In effect, guilt can be categorized as a moral emotion that aims to steer our actions toward the collective interest rather than the individual interest. It can also be described as a social emotion—that is, we may feel it when we are in contact with others. Concretely, we feel guilty when we assess that we have transgressed a moral norm by causing harm to another person (or even an animal). Guilt will lead us to repair the fault that we’ve committed.
Let’s imagine, for example, that you became a parent for the first time eight months ago. That little bundle of joy has a big appetite…at night! The lack of sleep will surely cause you to be more inattentive and distracted. In other words, you put the peanut butter in the microwave and your cellphone in the fridge. So, it’s not surprising that you forgot to call your friend on their birthday. It’s because you feel guilt that you will take the time to phone them, offer them your apologies, and maybe even invite them out for coffee.
This situation perfectly illustrates one of the benefits of guilt. Indeed, besides leading you to repair what you
perceive as a transgression, the anticipated guilt that we might feel in certain situations leads us to
refrain from taking certain actions. Let’s suppose you’re tempted to eat your child’s Halloween candy after they’ve gone to bed (classic!). It’s your guilt that will motivate you not to do so. Lastly, guilt is also useful for reinforcing social ties. More specifically, feeling guilty is associated with our empathy. Showing others that you feel uncomfortable with an action taken suggests to them that you value the relationship and that you are saddened by the harm that your actions have caused them.
PARENTAL GUILT UNDER THE MICROSCOPE
Only, guilt is not innate—it is acquired and developed over time. It is a learning process that begins in early childhood. Some people are therefore more likely than others to feel guilty. For today’s parents, feeling this emotion often arises from high expectations and an ingrained perception of what a “good” parent is. For example, mothers may believe that they should devote most of their time to their families. It should be noted that, although these words are often used interchangeably, shame and guilt are different concepts. While guilt follows an improper isolated action, shame refers to the feeling that our entire being is wrong, telling ourselves, for example, “I’m a bad person.” From this perspective, shame further weakens self-esteem and psychological health in general. Furthermore, while guilt may be useful in terms of parenting, such as when you apologize to your child for your impatience, shame felt repeatedly is more a symptom of a psychopathology such as depression.
Of course, fathers and mothers may both feel guilt in their parental role. However, the social expectations based on the images conveyed are different. To that end, some studies have shown that women feel more guilt than men. It is therefore not surprising that we hear the words “maternal guilt” more often than “paternal guilt.” In any event, when it comes to parenting, the challenge doesn’t always lie in the fault you may have committed, but in the guilt you might experience because you feel like you aren’t meeting the high expectations that you have absorbed regarding this role.
SELF-COMPASSION: A REMEDY TO REDUCE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT
Self-compassion invites you to treat yourself with as much kindness and understanding as you would show to a friend. Indeed, self-compassion exercises show that the expectations that you have of yourself are higher than those that you have of anyone else. Developing your self-compassion is an opportunity to recognize and accept your own feelings instead of constantly seeking to put yourself in the position of “always doing better.”
Let’s return to the example of the guilt felt while taking time for yourself. What would you say to another parent who shared that same feeling with you? Your answer would probably be that it’s good to take some time to recharge your batteries, that they can trust their partner to take care of the children, and that the work project can wait. To support you on your path to self-compassion, take the time to write down what you would say to your friend, then what you would say to yourself in the same context. Do you notice any differences in the content? Do you feel that the tone is different between your inner voice and what you communicate to a loved one? Take note of the elements that support your self-compassion in order to apply (and repeat!) them consciously in your daily life.
Guilt is an emotion that is as healthy for you as it is for others. However, it’s necessary to be able to feel it in a balanced way rather than an invasive way. Take the time to observe it in order to better recognize and understand this emotion. This will allow you to see if it’s justified or if you’re simply allowing yourself to enjoy your wellness moment at the spa!
To continue the discussion about parental guilt with Lory Zephyr and her business partner Jessika Brazeau (in French only), follow our podcast Centré sur l’équilibre.
