SO YOU’RE DEAD. NOW WHAT?

for other living creatures (not tits but vultures in this case). Zoroastrian’s do a similar thing where bodies are left on Towers of Silence for the birds to peck at.

The whole sky burial thing got me thinking about other options around the world and it seems there are many ways in dealing with the dead. In parts of Indonesia, China, and the Philippines coffins are placed on cliffs or suspended from trees to keep their dead away from scavenging beasts or flood waters.

In Madagascar the Malagasy people practice Famadihana (turning of the bones) where dead relatives bodies are exhumed from their tombs and rewrapped in fresh shrouds from time to time. Mummification is another option but leads to all kinds of curses and things. I’ve seen the documentary film The Mummy and frankly it doesn’t seem like a sensible option down the line and involves all manner of mishaps when a supernatural priest is disturbed from his deathly slumbers. Not recommended!

In Sulawesi in Indonesia the Toraja people carry out something called tree burials where a dead person is placed inside a hollowed-out trunk of a tree or a coffin is suspended from branches of a tree. Sort of like a not very festive Christmas time, I suppose. Taxidermy appeals a great deal to me. What better way to keep the memory of my joyful being alive than having me stuffed and posed so that I can sit with the family for eternity and essentially be a part of all their day to day activities. A degree of articulation in my dead joints could be included so that my corpsey remains could be seated at the dinner table, in the front room to watch television, and even bundled in the car for days away at the beach. Yes, taxidermy seems like the ideal option for me with the only downside I see being that the dead will very quickly outnumber the living in the house and that would be a bit weird!

And so there you have it. Not Boring’s guide to what to do with yourself once you are dead. Personally, I have found the whole experience of researching this topic a “right laugh” and I can hardly contain my excitement at pegging it and not seeing what my loving family does with my mortal remains. In a way I hope they go for the full on Viking burial thing but that seems unlikely. Burial at sea could be a giggle too if we can sort the water-skiing, DJ and (now out in international waters) party prescriptions out. However, what seems much more likely is that details will be left to the hospital where my corpse is taken and that will likely end up me being cremated and their being a bit of a party where everyone gets shitfaced afterwards to the point that everyone forgets their dignity and starts bickering over who will get my collection of assorted crap that has accumulated over the years and as to who the gaggle of beautiful women were at the back of the crematorium. Harry and Billy, you know your jobs here!

Thanks for coming!