A STUDEN T W R IT TEN M AGA ZINE
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THE 35 MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS
SENIOR QUOTES
SENIOR SUPERLATIVES
By Jenna Ramsey
By John Miles
& Imani McGarrel
By Molly Burke & Mallory Arnold
Celebrating Your Next Journey!
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46 THE INTERVIEW
By Grace Nicholas | Photos by Madelynne Scales In April 2015, Monika Rostvold, 23, sat on the steps of Texas Stateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Alkek library wearing nothing but pasties, a nude thong, a blindfold and headphones. Her piece, highlighting the topic of sexual assault, gained international recognition and over 130,000 views on YouTube. Read More
Features 26
32 SENIOR QUOTES By John Miles
36 THE 2015-16 SENIOR SUPERLATIVES By Molly Burke & Mallory Arnold
4 |MAY
2016
Madelynne Scales, Texas State University
THE (SCHOOL) YEAR THAT WAS: THE 35 MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS OF 2015-16 By Jenna Ramsey & Imani McGarel
article.riffsy.com
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editor’s note B y M a rk S t e nb e r g
I
n a last ditch attempt to think of an experience more anti-climat ic t ha n g raduat ing college, I undertook the painful process of sorting through my mental Rolodex of personal disappointments in search of a bigger letdown than walking the stage. Standing front and center in my memory, as you could probably guess, was my first sexual experience, a memory pockmarked by nightmares of sneaking into a house monitored by surveillance cameras (no joke), making love to Chris Brown’s “Forever”
(still the most embarrassing part), and using coconut oil to compensate for the dryness of a three-year old condom. Still, as that memory pales in anti-climatic comparison to my graduation, I racked my brain for alternatives. The next potential candidate was the first time I ever smoked pot. As far as I know, the cannabis community is still divided over whether or not you can get high the first time you smoke. Regardless, the fact that my inexperienced friends and I decided to cut the weed with actual grass and then roll the joint in newspaper ensured that not only was my first time unremarkable, it was chemically hazardous. I still gag at the smell of a burning San Antonio Express. Unpleasant as my first time smoking was, I’ve enjoyed no more anti-climatic experience than my 21st birthday. It happened that my birthday, my brother’s college graduation and my parent’s 30th anniversary all occurred within the same week. To celebrate the trifecta, my parents booked a cruise through the Caribbean. Eager to build a base tan before school resumed, the first thing I did upon boarding the ship was head to the pool. Within an hour I had developed the
worst sunburn of my life. The strawberry red purgatory that engulfed my torso lives on in cherished family photos, as well as my tortured recollection of lying prone in the cabin shower for days on end, the cold water soothing my skin in between bouts of ravaged scratching. If you notify Carnival of a special occasion (such as a 21st birthday), they decorate your cabin and bring you a cake. As I was marooned in the shower on my birthday, the staff set a cake on the floor within arm’s reach and then decorated the bathroom while I lay under the running water. I passed into adulthood that day, naked and sunburnt in a cruise line bathroom, delirious with pain, fisting soggy chocolate cake to my chapped lips off the tiled floor. Had I not graduated college, I probably never would have experienced a more anti-climatic milestone than that. Thankfully, nothing puts all your anti-climaxes into perspective like realizing you traded twenty years of your life for a piece of paper. Congrats,
NOTABLE MENTIONS FOR THE “35 MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS OF 2015-16” Pope Francis Visits America Most likely in an attempt to generate hype for his rock album Wake Up! and to attract followers to his new Instagram (2.2 million and counting), Pope Francis paid his first visit to the States in September. Per usual, millions were astounded that one of the most pious men on Earth did kind things. Francis’ positions— while slightly misrepresented as “progressive”—at least hint at a modernizing Catholic faith.
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UConn Women Win 4th Consecutive NCAA Title
Ahmed Mohamed Brings “Clock Bomb” to School
As a Spurs fan I’m reluctant to shift dynasty discussions away from San Antonio, but the magnitude of the UConn Women’s 21st century dominance is undeniable. The Stewart-Jefferson-Tuck triumvirate finished their careers by going 116-1 in their last three seasons, and this year coach Geno Auriemma tied Phil Jackson for most championships with 11.
Though Islamophobia has erupted nationwide following the Paris, Brussels and San Bernadino attacks, it was 14-year old Mohamed’s September arrest that set off the budding prejudice. Sadly, Mohamed’s response to his mistreatment is emblematic of one of the many consequences of bigotry: intelligent, gifted, creative people leave the country.
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contributors
WILL STRECKER University of Texas at Austin English
GABI GIMSON St. Edwardâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s University English Literature
Whiskey for My Men, Jello Shots for My Betta Fish Page 18
Hot or Not Page 42
CHARLIE WOOLEY San Diego University Psychology
MOLLY BURKE University of Texas at Austin Nutritional Science
MADELY NNE SCALES Texas State University Journalism & Photography
SOFIA RIVER A Simmons College Spanish & Communications
Your Summer Release Music Guide Page 24
Senior Superlatives Page 36
Hot or Not; The Interview Pages 42 &46
#FinalsHacks Page 12
ELIZABETH MOORE University of Texas at Austin Plan II & English
GR ACE NICHOL AS Austin Community College Music Business, Performance & Technology
JOHN MILES Santa Fe College English Literature & Business
MALLORY AR NOLD Ohio University Journalism
The Interview Page 46
Senior Quotes Page 32
Bar of the Month Page 45
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2016
AL VANDERKLIPP University of Northwestern Michigan Film & Government Fun PS4 Play for the Whole Family Page 20
JESSE SISLER DePaul University History Johnny Depp & the Red Queen Page 14
Senior Superlatives Page 36
BETTINA DE MESA California State Fullerton Biology The Vitruvian Academic Page 44
STUDENT WRITERS Study Breaks is writ ten exclusively by a team of student interns from across the country. These writers work with the editorial team to pitch and submit one piece a week for the website, in addition to writing for the monthly print magazine.
Summer internships run from May 28th to September 14th, and applications close May
JENNA R AMSEY Seattle University English Literature
7th. If interested, email mark@studybreaks.
35 Most Memorable Moments Page 26
Subject.
com with â&#x20AC;&#x153;Student Writing Internshipâ&#x20AC;? in the
Introduce yourself in the body, making sure to include your name, school and major. Please at tach at least two samples of your work. Ideal writers are intelligent, funny and talented, though no formal experience is necessary. IMANI MCGARRELL Texas State Journalism
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35 Most Memorable Moments Page 26
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MAY 2016
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meanwhile, at studybreaks.com
ONE-LINERS
FROM THE VAULTS
“You’re sitting in your 8 a.m. class on Monday morning, rubbing the 4 hours of sleep from your eyes, when all of a sudden you think: ‘Holy shit, I haven’t fed my Neopets in 7 years and they’re all probably dead!’”
JASON WHITE’S ROTTING SOMETHING IN THE CITY OF AUSTIN Jason White is an Austin chef now renowned nationally for his prowess in the field of fermentation. When Study Breaks profiled White however, he was just beginning to gather acclaim. Af ter being hit by a car as a child, raised in an abandoned morgue in Roswell, New Mexico, and dropping out of school in the 8th grade, White’s luminous vision and experimental techniques have made him one of the country’s most fascinating chefs to watch.
Michele Criqui, James Madison University Confessions of a Former Neopets Owner
“When the campus doctor suggested a temporary monocle, I knew I had to start taking it easy.” Mallory Arnold, Ohio University Mistakes Sophomores Make
“What is this testing? My memory? My time management? My coping abilities?” Jessinta Smith, Suffolk Community College In-Class Essays Should be Written Out (of Existence) SPOTLIGHT
REASONABLE CAR MAINTENANCE FOR APATHETIC COLLEGE STUDENTS Although many college students have cars, it’s a rare undergrad that appropriately maintains their vehicle. In this article, Molly Burke outlines some practical (hopefully not “middle of the road”) tips that apathetic students can use for easy upkeep. One such pearl: Wash the bird poop. “Darwin’s finches may have evolved specialized beaks, but Texas’ grackles have developed sniper scopes in their rectums.”
“I took the time to look up how to spell ‘douche canoe’ (it turns out there’s no consensus) because that’s how important I think this point is.” Michelle Hy, Portland State University College Polyamory 101
“Now that your room is aired out, try airing out your grievances.” Anne Ertle, John Carroll University Spring Cleaning for College Students
Emily Suvannasankha's Suggestions for SpongeBob Episodes That Most Encourage a Squidwardian Perspective on Life
PIZZA DELIVERY
SQUID ON STRIKE
DYING FOR PIE
ONLINE COLLEGE THIS MONTH ON THE WEBSITE, LEARN HOW TO: Stalk your ex’s new girlfriend; save $30,000; determine if you’re on a date right now; throw a Game of Thrones watch party; readjust to school after a break; abstain from coffee on doctor’s orders; act right in Canadian coffee shops; be the passive-aggressive roommate; drunkenly appreciate baseball.
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2016
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WE ARE LOOKING FOR VOLUNTEERS TO PARTICIPATE IN RESEARCH STUDIES. WE HAVE STUDIES WHICH PAY UP TO $4,000 FOR TIME AND TRAVEL. CALL US TODAY TO SEE IF YOU QUALIFY! STUDYBREAKS.COM
MAY 2016
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#collegehacks
B y S of i a R i v e r a , S i m mon s C ol le ge
“Genius is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration.” –Thomas Edison He gave us the light bulb so the least we can do is heed his advice. And where can you achieve maximum perspiration? A sauna. So head down to your local spa and treat yourself to a day of relaxation and perspiration. You’ll sweat out all the bad toxins that have been weighing you down, making room for all the genius to enter. Eventually you’ll probably begin to hallucinate from dehydration and Edison’s ghost will appear to you. An illuminated light bulb will hover above his head, he’ll give you a big thumbs up and that’s how you’ll know you’re ready for the test.
#FinalsHacks “Let inspirational quotes be your guide to success.” –Sofia Rivera
Y
our brain is buzzing with one too many espresso shots, your heart is racing, your hand is cramped—possibly permanently—and last night you found a gray hair. Even though you could swear syllabus week literally just ended, the waking nightmare that is finals is once again upon us. We all know what we have to do. Study consistently. Get plenty of sleep. Stay hydrated and don’t binge on caffeine. But this advice is only helpful for those of us who haven’t procrastinated, and if you exist then why are you reading a #FinalsHacks article? Studying for finals the week (or night) before they take place is like reaching the end of another calendar year and realizing you still haven’t lost ten pounds. You told yourself you’d eat better and join a gym, but now it’s New Year’s Eve and all you can do is pull on some Spanx and tell yourself you’ll do better next year. Well, this article is your finals Spanx. But don’t take it from me, take it from a variety of wise adages about success, many of which you might recognize from those bubble-lettered posters that decorated your high school classrooms— and you graduated high school didn’t you? Point proven.
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“The best revenge is massive success.” –Frank Sinatra First you’ll have to create an archnemesis so you can have someone to inflict your revenge of incredible success on. This could be your roommate who never cleans the shower or the Starbucks employee who at this point is purposely misspelling your name. You might even need to flunk this exam so that you can have a vendetta against the professor that flunked you. Needless to say, at this point you need to forget about studying; finding your enemy is an important personal journey, so take your time. Once you’ve selected the odious antagonist, disregard finals—you have a revenge scheme to cook up, and passing that exam is hardly the “massive success” that will put your enemy in his place. If you’re looking for some light reading, try The Count of Monte Cristo to help find that 1 percent inspiration.
#COLLEGEHACKS HACKS
“Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.”
FINALS COUTURE If you can’t do your best, at least look your best. Here are the essentials for the perfect finals outfit.
–Albert Einstein
You know what will take you both from point A to B and everywhere? A private jet. Empty your bank account out, or if it’s already empty then take out another student loan. Now buy a private jet and prepare yourself for a grade-saving adventure. First stop: West Point, New York. Walk the campus of the United States Military Academy until you find a statue of Abe Lincoln that cadets have long used as a good luck charm before exams. Simply rub Honest Abe’s noggin and you’ll join the ranks of some of America’s finest academics and athletes. Although the university was established at the beginning of the 19th century, the statue’s head shines as brightly as a newly minted penny. Speaking of pennies, you’ll need one for your next destination: Rome. Rent a moped to wind around the pizza-scented streets until you arrive at the Trevi Fountain. No need to wish for love or fame because that automatically happens to anyone who visits Rome, à la Lizzie McGuire, so as you close your eyes and toss your coin, think only of acing those exams. Then buy yourself a pizza because “When in Rome.” Also, you’ll need plane snacks for the flight to Salamanca, Spain. In this historic town lies one of the world’s oldest universities and the single oldest in Spain, founded in 1218. People have been learning here long before you or your great-grandparents were even conceived, so just by being here you’ll absorb centuries worth of wisdom. For an extra dose of luck, make your way to La Puerta de Salamanca, the university’s main, intricately carved facade. If you locate a small stone frog atop a skull among the wall’s countless carvings, it’s said that you’ll do well on your exams. Country-hopping the week before finals may seem unwise, and you may be asking yourself, “Should I really take advice from Einstein? How smart was he, really?” OH WAIT. So just go buy STUDYBREAKS.COM
WINE BRA:
REARVIEW MIRROR GLASSES:
Feel simultaneously supported and refreshed with this discreet undergarment. Make sure to fill it with the same kind of wine you were drinking while you studied!
If these exist outside of Agent Cody Banks, then they would be perfect for double checking your answers off of the notes you have strategically taped to the wall behind you.
NECKTIE FLASK:
HEELYS:
For those who have trouble figuring out the clasp on the bra, these furtive flasks are also a viable option. A nice bonus is that your professor will think you’ve intentionally dressed to impress for your exam, and maybe give you some bonus points for style.
These wheeled sneakers are arguably the best product to come out of the early 2000’s. Dig yours out of that box in your basement and roll into class in style, then no matter what happens on the test you’ll be able to make a speedy exit afterwards. #BringBackHeelys2K16
the jet and one day your name will be synonymous with genius.
You can’t pass these finals unless you get a good, dream-filled night’s sleep, so step away from the Keurig and climb into bed. To doubly ensure straight A’s, tape yourself reading all your notes aloud and listen to the recordings on repeat all night long. The knowledge will subliminally sink into your unconscious mind, and you’ll wake up not only extremely well rested, but also completely prepared. If you neglected to attend class or take notes all semester, skip this step—just go to sleep and dream of showing up to class the next day. You sit down, ready to kick some exam butt when the professor says, “Finals are cancelled! No class either, take the day off!” All of a sudden your professor is Oprah. “And you’re all going home with a private jet!” You look under your seat and find that she’s telling the truth. Oprah put a jet under your seat!
“The No. 1 reason people fail in life is because they listen to their friends, family and neighbors.”
–Napoleon Hill
What are you friends saying? “Wake up, Sofia, you need to study.” What is your family saying? “If you don’t pass these exams, we’re not paying for your tuition next semester.” Your neighbors? “What are you doing in my house? Get off my couch and stop eating my food!” White noise, all of it. Unless you’re a fan of failure, tune it all out. Take Roxette’s advice and “Listen to your heart.” (“There’s nothing else you can do.”) It’s probably saying, “I’m so tired, can we just go to sleep?” The answer is yes— you’ve studied hard, or at least thought about studying while you finished re-watching season four of The Office for the third time.
“If you can dream it, you can do it.” –Walt Disney
If you won’t listen to your heart, listen to the personification of all that is good and magic (and commercialized): Walt Disney.
“Studying has been scientifically proven to lower test scores. The best thing a student can do is not study at all.” –Anonymous
Anonymous is definitely good at computer hacking, but they also write a lot of my favorite inspiring quotes.
By Sofia Rivera MAY 2016
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entertainment
B y Je s s e S i s le r, D ePau l Un i v e r s i t y
Examining Depp’s career and antagonistic coevolution through the looking glass.
O
n May 25th, Johnny Depp will reprise his role as the Hatter in Alice Through the Looking Glass. In a juicy quirk of fortune, it just so happens that Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass (the source material for the upcoming film), also happens to be the namesake of an evolutionary concept known as the Red Queen Hypothesis (RQH), a theory that I believe could explain Johnny Depp’s increasingly bizarre career trajectory. In Through the Looking Glass, the Red Queen and Alice compete against each other in a footrace, but despite running vigorously, neither of them moves anywhere. “Now, here, you see,” the Red Queen explains, “It takes all the running you can do, just to stay in the same place.”
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Stage One – The Quirky Leading Man
Before his emergence as Jack Sparrow, Depp was best known for playing Edward Scissorhands, the loveably dark teenage creation who everyone fell for alongside Winona Ryder. Depp followed his
artcreationforever.com
Johnny Depp & the Red Queen
Borrowing the title from Carroll’s imagination, the RQH is a theory that explains antagonistic coevolution, a term that describes what is essentially an arms race between two species centered around one trait. Modern agriculture provides an illustrative example of the phenomenon. When a mutation enables an insect to survive a pesticide, that insect reproduces offspring that are immune to that particular strand of poison. As a result, chemical engineers then alter and strengthen the pesticide, killing the new generation of bugs until another one mutates, reproduces and forces scientists to retool again, further escalating the arms race. In nature, the RQH often revolves around the trait of running speed. Foxes must outrun rabbits so they can eat them, survive and reproduce, while rabbits must outrun foxes so they can survive and reproduce. Thus, every generation of foxes and rabbits has to get faster just to stay the same. In addition to its instances within the animal kingdom, RQH also appears to be the catalyst behind the increasing eccentricity of Johnny Depp. As the rabbit runs faster to survive, so Depp becomes more outlandish to stay relevant. To test our hypothesis, we’ve traced Depp’s career along its vertiginous path by grouping it into three distinct categories: Quirky Leading Man, Pushing the Envelope and The Depp End. Of course, the deliciousness of the theory lies in how cosmically apropos it would be if it were true. What are the odds that Johnny Depp, an actor recreating Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass, would exemplify the evolutionary hypothesis named after one of the novel’s characters? As Jeff Goldblum circa Jurassic Park would have proposed, “Life, uh, finds a way.”
breakout film with a balance of darker roles such as Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Ed Wood and Dead Man, and more typical leading roles like Donnie Brasco, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? and Blow. That an actor could be as comfortable playing a drug-addled Hunter S. Thompson as he was playing drug kingpin George Jung provides a glimpse into the mood of a decade. Depp entered the 90s as a charming nihilist, a figurehead for an artistic community that was attempting to come to grips with the aftermath of the Reagan administration: a seemingly soulless, money-driven, corporate world. Alongside Depp in this emergence was the music of Kurt Cobain, the films of the Coen Brothers and even the comedy of Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David. In his early career, Depp was able to speak to an audience that wanted to be spoken to in a certain way. His films were bizarre, dark, and sometimes (in the case of Fear and Loathing) impenetrable, but they were also always soulful.
Stage Two – Pushing the Envelope
As Depp continued to push the envelope, the quirks of his characters began to overshadow their messages. In stage two Depp became Jack, er, Captain Jack Sparrow, and die-hard Depp fans often call time of death as 2003. Still, Depp’s performances during this period garnered his most widespread critical acclaim. In both Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Sweeney Todd, Depp donned whiteface, pranced around like a maniacal French pantomime and had audiences begging for more. Would anybody have been surprised to discover that Depp’s Willy Wonka ate the children that stepped off the straight and narrow? Despite the bizarre streak, demand for a darker Depp persisted. The difference was that now when he removed the makeup his emotional overtures were flat, his subtlety leaden. I remember watching Secret Window and The Libertine and simply being unable to imagine that this was Jack Sparrow.
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Stage Three – The Depp End
In 2010, Depp became a punchline. Wearing makeup and acting like a drunk playing charades had lost its appeal, and although Depp continued to up the ante, his performances ceased to speak to anything. The Lone Ranger and Mortdecai f lopped like Manu Ginobli in a playoff game, and even Transcendence, a movie about the metaphysical ethics of uploading a man’s consciousness to a machine, felt like a teenager throwing paint on a canvas and calling it a Pollock. Can Depp be blamed, though? He turned himself into a caricature because audiences begged him to, but unlike his early-stage films, his later works were absent the human element that made the first ones special. At least Ed Wood said something about the folly of mankind. All Mortdecai said was “Let’s make a movie that makes sense to us.” Luckily, Mortdecai may have been the wake-up call Depp needed. It was a flop of the umpteenth degree, floppier than anything Depp had ever flopped before, but it led to Black Mass, Depp’s most critically acclaimed work in more than a decade.
Stage Four – The Depp Renaissance?
In the end, it seems that Depp’s career actually rejects the Red Queen Hypothesis. Depp’s escalating eccentricity has backfired, and his career is now a joke teetering on the edge of irrelevancy. To save it, Depp has to abandon the oddities arms race and de-heighten (I guess heightening became ethical when Seinfeld went off the air). But can he? Depp followed the success of Black Mass with an amazing Art of the Deal spoof for Funny or Die, both of which received positive reviews and heralded Depp’s performance as the most critically-acclaimed element. Unfortunately, in addition to the upcoming Alice Through the Looking Glass, Depp is also bejangling up for
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?“ GOING FULL DEPP Johnny Depp may have been the first heartthrob to go off the rails, but these two have given him a run for his money.
JAMES FRANCO: We should have known Franco didn’t give a f*ck after his Oscar-hosting fiasco, but a look at the man’s filmography will baffle any cinephile. He garnered acclaim for his Riff Raffian turn in Spring Breakers, was excoriated for Oz the Great and Powerful (a role right up Depp’s alley), incited international terrorism with The Interview, has played himself in myriad movies, and has produced an absurd number of vanity projects, including multiple adaptations of Faulkner.
SHIA LABEOUF: What can be said about Louis Stevens that has not been said already? He wears bags on his head, screams inspirational phrases on the internet, frightens his co-stars and rocks quasi-Dothraki facial hair. When it comes to bizarre art projects, only Shia tops Shia. After live-streaming himself watch all 29 of his movies in reverse chronological order, Shia’s most recent performance piece entailed he ride a public elevator for 24-hours. We are lucky to have him on our side.
the fifth installment of Captain Jack Sparrow with Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, in 2017. There is reason for hope, though. Depp will lead in a remake of The Invisible Man, which will (hopefully) require no white makeup, and is also rumored to star in Triple Frontier, a drama directed by Oscar-nominated director J.C. Chandor. It appears that if he plays his cards right, Depp, like the Hatter in Through the Looking Glass, might be able to outmaneuver the Red Queen after all.
By Jesse Sisler MAY 2016
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page title A u t hor T i t le
arl 306 Pe
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78215 • S aT X STE 106 • y a w Park
“Some people wonder all their lives if they’ve made a difference. Marines don’t have that problem” -Ronald Reagan. Kara Zuspan is a sophomore at The University of Texas at Austin majoring in biochemistry and has chosen to accept the challenge of becoming a Marine officer. She has recently been selected to attend the Platoon Leaders Cl ass, which is a physically and mentally demanding six-week leadership evaluation course held at Officer Candidate School, Marine Corps Base Quantico, VA. The Platoon Leaders Class is a unique program where upon graduation, she will be granted the opportunity to accept a commission as a Second Lieutenant earning the title “Marine officer.” Competing on the Texas Longhorn cross country team during her freshman year, and now trains and competes with the Texas Triathlon team, Kara is no stranger to physical challenges and looks forward to a successful summer and return to Austin once she has completed her training. How will you be spending your summer?! –Semper Fi and Hook Em’ Horns!
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sports
B y W i l l S t r e c k e r, Un i v e r s i t y of Te x a s at A u s t i n
Whiskey for My Men, Jello Shots for My Betta Fish In honor of this month’s Kentucky Derby and its requisite Mint Julep, here’s a drinking game for the Derby, as well as a few lesser-known animal sport drinking traditions. Kentucky Derby:
Since the traditional drink of the Derby is the Mint Julep, that’s all you’re gonna drink. If you’re playing with friends (and you should be), it’s best to make multiple pitchers of the stuff. Also, make sure you have some shot glasses and a bottle of Kentucky bourbon or whiskey, because I think I also want you to take shots. Yes, I do want you to take shots. First, everyone you’re with must pick a horse to win the race. Once the race starts, begin drinking your Mint Julep and don’t stop until the race is over. If you need a refill, pour a refill. This is where pitchers come in handy. Once the race is finished, put down your Mint Julep and see if your horse won. If it did, congratulations–you may now leisurely sip and enjoy your Mint Julep.
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If your horse didn’t win, first take a shot of whiskey. After that, one-byone the losers must try and name a previous Derby winner until everyone has tried once. Horse names and jockey names are both acceptable answers, though I’d think jockeys’ names would be harder to remember. If you can’t think of one, take another shot. If you repeat a name that someone else said, take a shot. Those that failed this most recent round must be blindfolded, spun around and forced to pour Mint Juleps for everyone else. Since there may be more than one loser, take turns doing this. One person is blindfolded and spun, and then pours up for everyone; once everyone finishes their drinks, the next loser is blindfolded and spun, and then pours up for everyone. And so on and so forth.
Know that I’m living vicariously through you right now.
Cock Fights:
Prior to the fight, begin by cutting a pound of chicken breast into strips and soaking it in tequila for 12 hours. Keep that bottle of tequila handy, grab a wooden mallet and you’re ready for the fight. Divide the party into two teams, one for each chicken, and start the cock fight. Every time your team’s chicken pecks the other team’s chicken, eat a tequila-soaked chicken strip. If your chicken tries to fly/run away from the other chicken, eat a chicken strip. If your chicken wins the fight, finish the chicken strips, take a pull of tequila and then whack yourself in the nuts with the wooden mallet until you pass out. Stop cock fighting.
Greyhound Races:
A note before continuing: Since greyhound racing is governed by state law, you may have to go to another state to watch a race. Also, the humaneness of greyhound racing is kind of a grey area (lol), so please don’t be offended. Supplies you’ll need before playing: liquor of your choice, a taxidermied rabbit and rawhides. Enough rawhides for everyone playing. Similar to the Kentucky Derby, each player picks a dog to win the race. For the entirety of the race, each player must hold a rawhide in their mouth and touch the taxidermy rabbit somewhere on its body. Whoever wins the race can drop the rawhide and remove their hand from the rabbit. If you want to keep chewing the rawhide, that’s unusual but totally acceptable, and I don’t want to stop you from doing you. If you are one of the many that lost the race, you must do the following: keep the rawhide in your mouth, remove your hand from the rabbit, pour yourself a double shot of liquor and down it without removing the rawhide. Then, get down on your hands and knees and race each other around whatever room you’re in. If you’re not in a room, the winner designates the course. Whoever wins gets to excuse themselves from the game (or can keep playing, whatever), while the losers stand up and repeat the previous two steps. This goes on until there’s only one player left standing. He or she must sleep in a dog crate for the rest of the evening, if for no other reason than they’re probably a drunken mess.
Dog Fights:
If you participate in dog fights, there’s something seriously messed up with you. Chug Everclear until you turn into a heaping pile of stinky mush and goop on the ground. STUDYBREAKS.COM
THE BUZZARD CAPTAIN WALLACE BEAUREGARD’S FAMOUS MINT JULEP Why hello they’uh, tha name’s Captain Beauregard. Pleasure tah make yer acquaintance. Now, if y’all’re plannin’ tah enjoy “Tha Fastest Two Minutes in Sports” like a true gentleman, you’uh gonna need ta learn how to make a propah Mint Julep. It’s really quite simple, if yah know whatcher doin’. Let’s begin, shall we? Fust, yah need a propah glass. Fah tha julep, a classic highball is tha standahd. These ah tha supplies you’uh gonna need: • 2 ounces a bourbon • A teaspoon a sugah • About 2 teaspoons a watah • Fahve er six mint leaves • Ice cubes Take yah Kentucky bourbon—I prefah tha Woodford Reserve, personally—and pouah ‘bout a shots wahth intah tha glass. Next, take about fahve mint leaves and throw ‘em in they’uh, too. Mex in tha sugah and tha watah, ‘til it is thoroughly mexed. Apologies kind readah, some a mah spit dribbled intah mah beard. This heah Mint Julep recipe just really makes yer mouth watah, don’ it?
Betta Fish Fights:
Wheah were we? Oh yeah, the mexin’. Okay, so once it’s all mexed up in they’uh, fill tha rest a tha glass with ice cubes. Now, if you’uh gonna use crushed ice, I can’t stopya. But, the julep is traditionally served on tha rocks, so that’s how a true Southahnah drinks they’uhs. They’uh you have it! Enjoy ya julep, and enjoy tha Derby!
In tribute to the incredible colors of Betta Fish, this game is going to involve...JELLO SHOTS!!!! You have to make the shots yourself, however, because I don’t know of any place that sells them straight up. Ideally, each player will have their own Betta Fish. Since I understand that’s kind of a stretch, you can just divide into two teams, à la the cock fighting. In all honesty, there’s really not much that happens in these fights, so any time the fish make a little
contact with each other, take a jello shot. If your fish dies, you should first feel guilty that you just sat there and watched two fish fight to the death. Then remember that fish aren’t very smart and probably didn’t know what was happening, so don’t feel too guilty. However, if your fish loses, you and your team must finish all the jello shots, and then take the dead Betta (unless it’s not dead, then leave it alone) and give it a proper burial. Eulogies and all. Respect your little fish friend!
Camel Wrestling:
Since camel wresting isn’t really an American thing, you’re probably going to have to tune into Turkish TV for this one. Raki is a Turkish liquor and ideal for this game, but if you can’t find any Raki at your local liquor store, don’t fret. Any liquor will do. In the name of good sport, we’re not going to divide into teams. Instead, everyone will be drinking together, as one united group of drinking buddies. Camels will only fight if they’re starving or competing for a female during mating season, so if you see any hot female camels during the fight, take a couple shots and get yourself into the ring. Just kidding! She’s a camel, bro. Not cool. Camels fight by beating each other with their necks, so any time one of the camels gets in a solid neck shot, find a partner, lock necks and take a shot. Once one of the camels falls to the ground, the fight’s over. When this happens, pass around the open bottle(s) of Raki until it’s finished. In honor of the winning camel’s triumph in battle and newfound mate, uhh…I don’t know, hopefully you have a mate nearby so the camel’s not the only one getting any action that night.
By Will Strecker MAY 2016
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gaming
B y Al Vanderklipp, Northwestern Michigan College
MAY 13
Doom
(PS4, Xbox One, PC) Coming off the heels of Wolfenstein 3D in the nineties, the original Doom was a masterpiece. The inventive, strategic, demon-slaying gameplay caused a nationwide moral panic. By contrast, the only controversy surrounding this fourth iteration of the series concerns the box cover, which was so offensively generic that Bethesda was forced to hold a contest for new artwork. And therein lies the issue with the game: Aside from the gorgeously re-imagined character designs, DOOM 4 shies away from innovation, playing it irritatingly safe by adhering to the modern standards of toofast twitch shooting, repetitive takedown animations and rebooting franchises that were better off dead. The franchise’s core concept, “Destroy Hell,” seems foolproof, but it’s gonna take more than a cool setting and amped-up gore to overcome the uninspired design that is at the heart of this game. Luckily, a solid, old school mapmaker is included for fans who want eternal damnation done right.
These are the hottest video game releases this month. MAY 3
Battleborn (PS4, Xbox One, PC) You can’t help but feel a little bad for Gearbox Software. Battleborn is the online arena shooter that nobody asked for, inferior in every way to industry leader Blizzard’s Overwatch, (which also officially releases this month, though the playable beta has been available for much longer, now). The draw of this sub-genre usually lies in interesting animated characters fighting to the death. Usually. Battleborn’s regrettable roster, plagiarized from an unimaginative high schooler’s sketchbook, ranges from pitifully generic (the tribal archer, the bulky grey robot) to outright embarrassing (the fancy android in a derby cap, the spunky penguin in a mech suit). Like so many try-hard gaming mascots of the 90’s, Battleborn desperately reaches to tap into what’s cool, funny and edgy, alienating every demographic outside of confused birthday-gift-buying grandmothers.
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MAY 17
Homefront: The Revolution (PS4, Xbox One, PC) The original Homefront was a forgettable, high-key xenophobic last-gen shooter that tasked the player with believing that North Korea is an all-conquering world power, rather than a sad, misbehaving dictatorship. Naturally, THQ ignored its negative reception (in addition to any nagging notion of common decency) and began work on a sequel before going completely bankrupt in 2012. In the game industry’s equivalent of asking Quentin Tarantino to work on unskippable anti-piracy DVD ads, development of The Revolution has fallen to Crytek UK, formerly Free Radical Design, known for their work on the hugely imaginative (and long-dormant) TimeSplitters series. The fallen studio has to make a compelling
pcwallart.com
Fun PS4 Play for the Whole Family:
experience out of a by-the-numbers guerrilla resistance story and palette of grays, or face probable layoffs and possible closure. Fortunately, I hear the DPRK is hiring for a sequel to “Pyongyang Racer.”
MAY 24
Mirror’s Edge: Catalyst (PS4, Xbox One, PC)
MR. GAME & WATCH
Gamers with vertigo may want to steer clear of Mirror’s Edge: Catalyst, as the first game in the immersive first-person parkour-action franchise frequently had the controller squirting out of my sweaty hands. Protagonist Faith Connors is a “runner,” a flexible rogue messenger who travels by foot to avoid surveillance by a totalitarian government, whose uncanny resemblance to Charlize Theron in 2005’s scifi flop Aeon Flux is like, totally coincidental. Faith bolts across the city of Glass by rooftop, avoiding armed guards and sickening (and fun) plunges to her death on the sidewalk below. The developer, DICE, has made the interesting choice to entirely phase out guns from the player’s arsenal for this reboot, but Faith can upgrade her athletic and combat abilities by completing optional puzzles or watching middle school parkour Vine compilations on YouTube.
MAY 31
Dead Island: Definitive Edition (PS4, Xbox One)
hdqwalls.com
Rounding out a mostly underwhelming month is the current-gen remastering of a game synonymous with disappointment. Dead Island’s reveal trailer was a breathtaking, emotional story about a vacationing family ripped apart by zombies in slow-motion. The final product? A broken
Exclusive First Look: My Iron Lung VR Thom’s Yorke’s narrowly crowdfunded medical sim places you in the shoes of Gloria, a hospice resident who spends her last days in the titular negative pressure ventilator. Had the backers reached the $350,000 tier, Cloris Leachman would have signed on to provide the voice of Gloria—too bad!
action game with clunky combat that goes downhill from the (excruciating) opening rap. Its expensive cash-in expansion, “Riptide,” does nothing to fix its myriad problems, and even sticks you with the same uninspired characters. Luckily, both games are included in this HD package for the few who need a reminder of why they shouldn’t purchase the upcoming Dead Island 2.
By Al Vanderklipp
Still, this immersive title provides 180° of lateral movement. Watch TV, stare at the ceiling, look out the window—it’s all fair game! For extra authenticity, lie down on the floor and have a friend stand on your chest. “You won’t believe you can still breathe!”™
GRADUATING? FACING A QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS? LIVE IN A FANTASY WORLD OF PIXELS AND POLYGONS? HERE ARE A COUPLE OF PROFESSIONS YOU SHOULD CONSIDER: DOCTOR:
HIRED GOON:
POKÉMON PROFESSOR:
Perfect for those who dream of doing something with their medical degree but hate helping sick people, video game doctors usually specialize in the construction and upkeep of killer robots. Pit your creations against blue-suited 4th-graders, grizzled war vets and pesky hedgehogs.
No, it’s not “just for burn-outs”—being a hired goon means literally fighting for something you believe in! The secret to success? Climb the ranks quickly by avoiding explosive red barrels, the main factor in this profession’s unusually high turnover rate.
Just like their real-life counterparts, pokémon professors delegate grunt work to a team of spindly, underpaid supernerds and are free to enjoy the celebrity aspect of being an expert in their field. Have a grandson named “ASSMEAT” or “CRAPBOY?” You’re already halfway there!
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page title A u t hor T i t le
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music
B y C h a rl i e Wo ole y, Un i v e r s i t y of S a n D i e go
BARBECUING (NIGHTTIME) Drake – Views From the Six OK, so Bug spiked the punch and the barbecue got a little rovvdy. The Gorillaz album was perfect for a relaxing day of corn cobs and rib racks, but the evening entertainment needs a little edge. Count on Drake referencing the six more times than a satanist with a stutter, but damn can that Canuck cook up a catchy beat.
AT THE BEACH Major Lazer – Music is the Weapon Yes, “Lean On” and “Light It Up” have been radio-bait for what feels like eons, but Diplo’s dancehall beats are infectious in a way that you can learn to live with. That means while you’re throwing rice at the seagulls and dehydrating yourself, Major Lazer should be your soundtrack. Upbeat, catchy and likely unavoidable, Music is the Weapon will be a perfect accompaniment for a day at the beach.
The Summer Release Music Guide The albums that are expected to drop this summer and what you’re expected to do while listening to them. BARBECUING (DAY TIME) Gorillaz – TBA While these guys could’ve easily gone down as a gimmicky Blur side-project, Gorillaz has crafted two of the best alternative albums of the past decade and some spectacular singles, making it seem like everything the duo touches turns to gold. Damon Albarn’s monotone drawl is ideal for lazy summer kickbacks, but the background falsettos and hip-hop cadence keep the sound energetic. If the forthcoming work is anything like Plastic Beach, the new Gorillaz album is bound to be perfect for any outdoors lounging.
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FISHING Chris Cohen – As If Apart When fishing, music that causes literal or metaphorical waves is frowned upon. As a result, your angling playlist needs balance. You want to avoid aping stereotypes in an attempt to fit in, so no drunkenly belting Kenny Chesney. But you also want to avoid standing out too much, so don’t invite confrontation by blaring Black Flag. What you need is middle ground, and that’s where Chris Cohen comes in. An ex-affiliate of Deerhoof and Ariel Pink, Cohen’s soft guitar and moody croons will mellow you into oblivion, perfect for relaxing at the fishing hole without annoying the regulars.
CONTEMPLATING LIFE Mutual Benefit – Skip a Sinking Stone After rumor of your perfect fishing playlist spread, you get invited to trawl the waters again. This time, though, you’re feeling more meditative than pescacidal, so you decide to spend some time alone, contemplating the ephemera of youth. Reminiscent of an early Sufjan Stevens or Devandra Banhardt at his most betrinketed, Mutual Benefit’s meek, woodwind variety of folk is all calm confidence, tailor-made for wistful summertime introspection. Neither depressing nor particularly uplifting, if Jordan Lee’s new project follows in the footsteps of his past work (and a March single, “Not for Nothing,” suggests it will), then expect a string-laced, windchime-twinkling invitation to daydream.
BEING A COOL MOM Eric Clapton – I Still Do Like Clapton, you’ve aged well. You went through a rough patch and accidentally took Bowling for Soup’s “1985” a little too seriously, but now that high-waisted jeans are back in style and your bratty kids have finally moved out, it’s your time to shine. Just like Clapton held on to his groovy, blues-driven guitar vibe, you’ve still got that Weekend at Bernie’s je ne sais pas that landed you Most Likely to Shtup Stamos in high school. Next time you’re worried that the spin class instructor is ignoring your batting eyelashes, put on I Still Do for an aural affirmation that legends never die.
BEING A “COOL” MOM The Monkees - Good Times! Finally, a band on this list you recognize! While some people might think that The Monkees are just a popSTUDYBREAKS.COM
rock rip-off of The Beatles, you don’t think they’re cheesy at all. You may have been told to “Tone it down” a lot recently, but you’re the necessary ying to the yang of your blue jean-wearing, Eric Clapton-listening spouse. So yes, the answer is of course, duh, you’re definitely still cool. You practically invented cool. Kids these days don’t even know what cool is. You practically invented cool. Wait did you say that already? Are you feeling tired? You should lie down.
CR ATE DIGGING Radiohead - LP9 Radiohead has undergone multiple reinventions since they revolutionized the music industry by blending rock and electronic elements, so it’s not unreasonable to call Kid A the pinnacle of music and everything else garbage. Thom’s falsetto is enlightenment. And since your record store is a corporate sell out and won’t have a first press of Mingus Plays Piano anyway, don’t waste your time looking. Instead, wait dutifully for Radiohead to descend Mount Sinai once again and bestow their latest album unto the worthy.
THE BASS GOD FORTHCOMING UPDATES TO “THE LIFE OF PABLO“ u Adding Saint’s first words to the album’s threeminute intro. u Removing the Frank Ocean interlude, replacing it with a hidden Max B track. u Another freestyle? Why not? There’s only three so far.
ENJOYING/REGRETTING A SUMMER FLING Frank Ocean – Boys Don’t Cry Ocean’s previous release, Channel Orange, was a brave examination of love and sexuality that featured a ten-minute epic about strippers. Everyone knows that, right? It’s basically a neo-soul Ziggy Stardust. Even though Ocean says you shouldn’t cry, if his album isn’t out by August then he’ll have only himself to blame for the tears of a nation.
u Surprise sex skit. If Biggie and Dr Dre did it, why shouldn’t Kanye? It’s automatically added to your party playlist and performed over the best beat of the album. u Ten-second song snippets will be added on a weekly basis. Full singles will never be released. u Continual, random tweaks to the album cover. Different fonts, name changes, new cover models—the whole nine yards. u A ten-minute musical opera ft. Pablo Picasso, Pablo Escobar and Saint Pablo (all played by West). Jay Electronica will play himself and reference at least eight different mystical religions. u Physical copies will include a personalized note from West’s biggest inspiration, Philadelphia 76ers owner Sam Hinkie #TrustTheProcess u Still no Vic Mensa or Andre3000.
By Charlie Wooley MAY 2016
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NO. 1 STAR WARS RETURNED: The Star Wars franchise returned with critical acclaim because—let’s be honest here—it was essentially the same film as Episode IV. But additions like lovable BB8 and new, sincerely captivating lead characters made it easy to gloss over that fact. Even if the movie had sucked, it’s always worth the price of admission to hear the booming opening score and see those yellow letters appear over the starry expanse of outer space. Goosebumps!
By Jenna Ramsey, Seattle University & Imani McGarrel, Texas State University
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NO. 2 #OSCARSSOWHITE SHOWED HOLLYWOOD’S TRUE COLORS: Representation is not a new topic of discussion for people of color, but this year’s Oscars put the issue on a higher plane of inf luence. POC in the entertainment industry called for more diverse representation and were told to wait their turn at the same award show where Leonardo DiCaprio was overdue for his Oscar.
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6-7 JEB(!) BUSH CHARGED $75 FOR GUACAMOLE:
www.wallpapersxl.com
The saddest part of Jeb ending his presidential campaign in February was that it meant we could no longer purchase the $75 “Guaca Bowle” available on his website. The bowl was notable not just for its questionable price, but also for its lack of any visible indication that it was a piece of “Jeb!” merch. The expensive, bland looking dish served nicely as a metaphor for Bush III as a candidate. STUDYBREAKS.COM
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3-5 CHEF CURRY CONTINUES TO COOK:
BEYONCÉ RELEASES “FORMATION”:
Steph Curry and the Golden State Warriors have defied the laws of gravity and talent by being a hurricanelike force in the NBA this season. Curry has reinvented the image of basketball as we know it and made it easier than ever to be an obnoxious bandwagon fan on social media.
In February, Beyoncé got all the girls in formation and then changed lives with her Superbowl performance. The song and dance prompted a lot of backlash from racist uncles on Facebook, but was a moment of pride for people with common sense.
RISE OF THE MAN BUN: This trend has gone strong for over a year now with no sign of slowing down, thanks to bun bearers like Leonardo Dicaprio and Jared Leto. There’s no better way to tell people without words that you shop exclusively at Whole Foods and own three pairs of Birkenstocks.
NO. 8 THE SUPREME COURT LEGALIZED SAME SEX MARRIAGE ONE DIRECTION WENT ON HIATUS: The four remaining boys of One Direction parted ways—taking different directions, if you will—in what was originally called a hiatus but now looks to be a permanent split. It’s time to see which of them will become the Justin Timberlake of the group, which will host a talk show on E! and which will reminisce about the days when they all swore they’d never go solo.
Same-sex marriage has been hotly contested nationwide for years, but the highest court in the land effectively put an end to all debates with their decision. Of course, that didn’t stop some people from thinking they can defy the laws. America’s sweethearts Greg Abbott and Kim Davis were some of those on the front lines of opposition. Despite the backlash, America took a historic step forward and finally, officially, let love win.
NO. 9 SHIA LEBEOUF'S #ALLMYMOVIES: Continuing his string of perplexing career moves since starring on Even Stevens, Shia LeBeouf hosted a 72-hour live stream of himself watching the entirety of his own filmography. With a camera positioned directly at his face, Shia achieved a rare balance of genuine curiosity and unbearable boredom from his Internet audience. Tears were shed and naps were taken (by Shia), but what in theory sounded like a pointless exercise turned out to be a sometimes hilarious, and even moving, piece of performance art. Keep Shia Weird. MAY 2016
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NO. 16 JOHN OLIVER MADE DONALD DRUMPF AGAIN: John Oliver’s smart, biting 21-minute teardown of Donald Trump on Last Week Tonight was easily a TV highlight of the year. And on top of the monologue, Oliver and his team created a web app that changes every “Trump” typed online to the businessman’s original family name “Drumpf”—a project they call “Make Donald Drumpf Again.” Not sure whether it’s sad or fitting that a comedian made a better case against Trump’s candidacy than any “real” news reporters have thus far.
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10-15 CAITLYN JENNER SLAYS ON THE COVER OF VANITY FAIR: Speaking up and out about trans lives takes courage for an ordinary person, but for someone like Jenner whose livelihood and income depends on their popularity, it’s an even bolder move to make. Jenner has taken her platform and fame and used it to speak up and out about trans lives and rights with dignity and grace.
DAVID BOWIE DIED: In a sad but fittingly theatrical exit, David Bowie released his final album, Blackstar, and died two days later. His death was an upsetting shock, but at least he was able to accomplish something remarkable in his last bit of time. How many other artists have been able to document the last stretch of life through their medium? Bowie will be missed.
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FX’S “THE PEOPLE VS. OJ SIMPSON” ENTHRALLED A NEW GENERATION: For most millenials, OJ Simpson is not an immediately recognizable name. If anything, most of us are more familiar with the Kardashian fame that sprouted from the case than the Juice himself. The miniseries has brought one of the country’s most famous trials back to life, and part of the show’s allure is how absurd it all seems in this day and age. I can’t think of single celebrity right now who would be permitted to shut down all of LA for a 2-hour long slow speed chase across the highway. Every episode leaves the audience wanting more, even though we all know how the show ultimately ends.
TED CRUZ, ZODIAC KILLER: What began as a joke confined to the Internet turned into an idea so widespread that it started to feel unnervingly real. The accusation that presidential candidate Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer, and that 38 percent of polled Florida voters said they believe this to be true, is all you need to know about the state of this year’s election.
RADIOHEAD BOOKED THEIR FIRST SHOWS SINCE 2012: Radiohead is back on the road this year, headlining several huge festivals and beginning a world tour for a new album that doesn’t yet have a release date. Even with as little fuss as they make over their own work, it’s always exciting to watch when they come out of nowhere with new material.
“A” WAS REVEALED ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS: In the show, a nameless enemy referred to as A spends years terrorizing suburban teens who never decide to move or graduate early, and the basic plot revolves around them trying to figure out who A is. As with most overhyped dramas, the final revelation was contrite at best and problematic at worst.
NO. 17 REALISTIC BARBIE WAS RELEASED TO THE WORLD: In America young girls are told what colors, clothes and behaviors they’re supposed to have from an early age. Changing a toy as ubiquitous as Barbie makes a huge difference in what girls believe is beautiful and possible. It also doesn’t hurt that the dolls are rocking 24 fabulous new hairstyles.
NO. 18 DRAKE INTRODUCED MULTICOLORED DAD MOVES TO THE WORLD: The “Hotline Bling” video was the perfect highlight to what was arguably Drake’s best year ever. Like all good moments do, the song sparked a wave of Hotline memes that everyone including Bernie Sanders got in on. Fraternity guys everywhere rejoiced to finally see a popular black dance that they can actually do.
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19-20 NETFLIX AND CHILL BECAME A MARKETING TOOL: Anyone under 30 with a pulse and a Twitter account has undoubtedly heard the term before. This year the phenomenon was thrust into the national spotlight when the phrase went viral, spawning counter memes and inspiring some marketing campaigns. The meme met its untimely death when publications started writing articles for parents about what Netflix and Chill really means. It will be missed.
TWITTER CHANGED FAVS TO LIKES: Every business has to grow and adapt, and social media like Twitter is no exception. Recently though, the social media site added to their long line of blunders by changing the yellow ‘favorites’ star to a red ‘likes’ heart. In a blog post, Twitter’s product manager said the reason for the change is that, “You might like a lot of things, but not everything can be your favorite.” Apparently no one at Twitter has heard of having more than one favorite, which is concerning in and of itself. Favorites on Twitter meant a lot of things: shade, flirting, keeping this for later, agreement, sympathy and I’m not ignoring you but this conversation is over. A heart just means a heart. It’s gross, and many of us are still not used to the change. #RIPTwitterFaves STUDYBREAKS.COM
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21-23 DRAKE AND MEEK MILL BEEF: Mill, a lackluster rapper on his best day, made the foolish decision to call out Drake on Twitter for not supporting his album or writing his own music. Drake responded in kind by dropping two diss tracks just days apart from each other. In a stunning display of pettiness, Drake then performed both of the songs at OVO fest while a slideshow of Meek Mill memes played behind him. Mill eventually released a track in response that was as weak as tap water and effectively closed the case on himself.
JON STEWART LEFT THE DAILY SHOW: Seeing Jon Stewart sign off after 16 years as host of The Daily Show felt like saying goodbye to an irritable, witty best friend. It seems unfair to have watched this year’s presidential election unfold without Jon’s consistently on-point commentary, but his predecessor, Trevor Noah, has done about as good a job of shoefilling as could be expected. Here’s to hoping Jon is enjoying the surplus of family time on his New Jersey ranch with friendly neighbor Bruce Springsteen.
ADELE RETURNED WITH NEW MUSIC: Adele, apparently sensing that many of her fans were going through rough breakups and needed new piano power ballads to tearily belt the lyrics to, returned to the public eye with a new album in November. Her new material was a quick reminder of why we fell in love with her in the first place—she had us at “Hello.” The thrill of it all was swiftly crushed when even three open laptops and lightning finger reflexes couldn’t secure a ticket to one of her shows, but Adele is easy to forgive. MAY 2016
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24-26 DEADPOOL CHANGED THE TRAJECTORY OF SUPERHERO MOVIES: The marketing campaign for the movie was a work of art in itself, from Tinder profiles to billboards, and Ryan Reynolds’ depiction of a sexually explicit antihero with the mouth of a sailor and a butt of gold went on to rake in the dolla dolla bills. Pool showed the entertainment industry that it is possible to make a profitable R-rated superhero movie that stays true to its comic book roots.
NO. 27
KANYE’S TWITTER FIASCO(S):
JUSTIN BIEBER’S PARTIAL COMEBACK:
Leading up to and following the messy release of The Life of Pablo, Kanye West took to Twitter to ask Mark Zuckerberg for money and to drag fellow musicians through the dirt—most notably Wiz Khalifa and Deadmau5 (“Is this person’s name pronounced deadmow-five?”). His Twitter account this year has been as much a work of art as any of his albums or fashion collections, rife with the same feelings of spontaneity and anger we hear on Pablo.
This year Justin Bieber transformed himself from America’s most hated pop star to America’s most tolerated and sometimes loved pop star. Bieber was headed down the dark spiraling path of destruction most child stars inevitably face, but somehow managed to pull a complete 180° and get back on track. His latest album shows a matured sound and outlook on life and, his recent dreadlocked hair aside, a more well rounded Biebs.
Kendrick Lamar, a guy so ridiculously talented that I wonder if he’s actually from Compton and not another planet,
jumped immediately from making the best album of last year (sorry, Taylor Swift) to releasing a series of outtakes from said
LEONARDO DICAPRIO WON AN OSCAR: It meant losing skin from his lips, sleeping in an animal carcass and eating raw bison meat, but Leo finally got his Oscar after being nominated five previous times. He made the moment even sweeter by using his speech not to boast his own accomplishments, but to bring light to the reality of climate change. Most importantly, the Leoalways-loses meme was finally put to rest.
NO. 28 KENDRICK LAMAR SURPRISE RELEASED UNTITLED UNMASTERED.:
album that are more impressive than what many rappers consider their best work. The album seemed to cap off an incredible
run for Lamar, but it won’t be surprising if he shares even more unreleased tracks in the near future.
NO. 29 "WHY THE F*** YOU LYING" OVERRUNS THE INTERNET: This school year it was impossible to get on social media without seeing the “Why the F*** You Lying” guy all over your dashboard. Many memes have come and gone, but this was easily the best for calling out people fake flexing for social media with caviar taste on tuna fish budgets.
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30-33 HOVERBOARDS BECAME A THING: This year’s trend of gliding around on hoverboards is good indication that we’ve finally entered the future, even if the boards don’t actually hover—they roll. Like their innovative predecessor, Heelys sneakers, the boards have been banned from school campuses and other locations across the country. But to be fair, there are equally quick forms of transportation that run exactly zero risk of exploding during use. Let’s bring back unicycles, y’all.
THE BIRTH OF A SAINT: When Kim Kardashian announced the birth of her newest child Saint West via tweet, Saint joined the ranks of children with famous parents that have no grasp on how dumb their kids’ names are to ordinary people.
OBAMA VISITED CUBA: In a series of efforts by the POTUS to shore up his legacy, President Obama became the first sitting American president to visit Cuba in 90 years when he toured the country in March. US-Cuba relations have been historically tense, and it has been an interesting change of pace to see Obama’s approach to improving them. Another important side note to the trip was seeing how grown up and beautiful his daughters Sasha and Malia have become.
OBAMA NOMINATED A NEW SUPREME COURT JUSTICE: Following the death of Antonin Scalia in February, some members of the Republican Party urged President Obama to refrain from nominating a new member of the Supreme Court since it is the final year of his term. Being the imperturbable Cool Guy that he is, Obama nominated someone any way—a Harvard-educated federal judge named Merrick Garland who is about as moderate as it gets. Republicans’ fears of a hardcore liberal nominee quelled, they complained that Obama’s decision must be a calculated move. Sigh. STUDYBREAKS.COM
NO. 34 "HAMILTON" DOMINATED BROADWAY: “Hamilton” is that hip-hop opera that your friends won’t shut the hell up about. It’s the one that you finally gave in and listened to and then
became the friend that wouldn’t shut the hell up about it. Hamilton changed pop culture and musical theatre by being the first rapmusical on Broadway with a mostly black cast. Before this year, the idea of a hip-
hop musical about Alexander Hamilton that is sold out until next year would have seemed absurd. “Hamilton” won a Grammy earlier this year and is expected to keep raking in the accolades.
NO. 35 HARPER LEE DIED: The Pulitzer prizewinning author died in her sleep at the age of 89, leaving behind a literary legacy that touched millions of lives. Most public school kids read Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird at least twice during the course of their
education. Unlike most required reading, though Lee’s book was enjoyable and has a lasting place on bookshelves the world over. Fans of the book would do well to purchase it now, as her estate will no longer allow the printing of massmarket copies. MAY 2016
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S E N I O R By John Miles, Santa Fe College
ELON MUSK
KOBE BRYANT
Between Tesla’s much-ballyhooed “Powerpack” batteries, and SpaceX’s launching and landing of a rocket, the only Musk stronger than Sex Panther has established himself as the undisputed bad-boy of science. In the same vein, Mr. Musk also suggested that we nuke Mars. The force is strong with this one, and it’s entirely possible that Musk’s recent divorce will mark his final plunge into the dark side. (See: Anakin, S. & Padme S.)
Were it not for the restorative powers of the Black Mamba’s poetic valediction, Kobe Bryant’s retirement would have been excruciating for Lakers fans. Instead, like his final season, Bryant’s retirement poem overcame several awkward periods and will only be remembered for its beautiful moments. If tender reminiscences translated to victories, then the Lakers would have had the best record in the NBA. Since they don’t, the Lakers will likely finish a gentleman’s 29th.
STEVE HARVEY
TOM BR ADY
Of all the non-mustache related misjudgments that Steve Harvey’s made in his life, the most heartbreaking one came last year when he announced the wrong Miss Universe. That’s alright, Stevie—you’ll get ‘em next year! (Steve Harvey is legally forbidden from returning to the Miss Universe Competition.)
Leave it the guy married to the most beautiful woman in the world to get himself embroiled in a scandal that practically shoves the homoerotic ball jokes down your throat.
“There has been an awakening. Have you felt it?”
“Miss Universe 2015 is…Miss Columbia!”
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“You asked for my hustle/I gave you my heart…”
“When I felt the balls, they were perfect.”
DONALD TRUMP
“Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.” Oh, this is a quote from Hitler? Does it make a difference? The wall will be huge. It will be tremendous. The wall will be huge. And who’s going to pay for it? Mexico. The wall will be huge.
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN
“I’m not dead yet!”
Just as anticipation surrounding the show speeds up, the Game of Thrones author has begun slowing down. Martin is getting old. Though fans initially worried the screen adaptation would outpace the books (it has), many are now starting to worry that Martin might die before he finishes the series. The Long Night of George R.R. Martin has begun.
Q U O T E S BEN CARSON
“I think the likelihood of Hitler being able to accomplish his goals would have been greatly diminished if the people had been armed…” When Carson broke his vow of silence to say this, brain surgeons everywhere licked their lips in anticipation, imagining the juicy medical deformities that Carson’s future brain autopsy would reveal.
TED CRUZ
“Well my aspiration is to, uh, oh I don’t know, be in a teen tit film like that guy who played Horatio. You know he was in Malibu Bikini Beach Shop? Well, other than that, take over the world, world domination, you know, rule everything. Rich, powerful, that sort of stuff.” There goes Lyin’ Ted again! He said this back in high school, and I imagine that his friends thought it was absolutely hilarious.
CHRIS PR ATT
NICKI MINAJ
If Adele is Queen of 2015, we know who the rightful king is: Chris Pratt, Andy Dwyer, Peter Quill, Owen Grady. There is none more worthy of the crown than He.
If we had to choose the funniest celebrity clash of 2015, it would be this one. Not because of the actual occurrence, but more because of the ensuing Twitter uproar. And, of course, because insulting Miley Cyrus is almost always hilarious.
“Macklin, you son of a bitch.”
STUDYBREAKS.COM
“Miley, what’s good?”
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
“I wish my 15-year old self had known about my allure to the opposite sex!” In late December, Cumberbatch’s eccentric Sherlock Holmes made its acclaimed return for a Christmas special and promised season four by 2017. Unfortunately, if the series continues its Sagrada Familia pace of production, fans can expect the season to return around the same time the new Game of Thrones book is finished.
BAR ACK OBAMA
“He’s not just a great Vice President, he is a great friend. We’ve gotten so close that in some places in Indiana, they won’t serve us pizza anymore.” 2015 was a big year in terms of straight people not serving LGBTQ people. Whether it was Kim the wedding license nazi, Jack the wedding cake judge or an apocryphal Indiana pizza joint, there was no shortage of good old-fashioned American discrimination last year. MAY 2016
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page title A u t hor T i t le
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#12
NO. 15
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By Molly Burke, University of Texas at Austin & Mallory Arnold, Ohio University
#
1
Most Likely to Carpe Diem: Charlie Sheen
2
#
Most Thorough Abuse of White Privilege: Rachel Dolezal
In what should have been a victory for abstinence-only educators, Charlie
On a scale of Justin Bieber’s
Sheen is living out the public reveal of
appropriation of rap culture to Trayvon
his HIV diagnosis with aplomb—social
Martin Halloween costumes, Rachel
stigma be damned. As much as I’d love
Dolezal blows away the competition
for this to be a #winning moment for the
in her commitment to milking white
HIV/AIDS community, it’s probably just
entitlement. The former Spokane, WA
more of the shameless lunacy we have
NAACP Chapter President and bona
come to expect from the drug-addled
fide white lady was outed last June for
philanderer.
faking African American heritage in a news video that went viral faster than she
Instead of moping around in the absence
could scamper out of its frame.
of his now-furious harem, he’s leveraged the news into a slew of seedy daytime
Dolezal has truly gone the extra mile
television appearances. This includes
here: Not only has she used fake hair and
multiple episodes of the Dr. Oz Show,
makeup for years to corroborate her bogus
wherein Sheen discusses life after failed
claims to biological blackness, she even
experiments with an alternative HIV
disowned a pair of perfectly nice, sandy-
treatment developed by Sam Chachoua,
haired parents. Cue image of baby Rachel
an unlicensed Australian “doctor” and
observing the other end of her umbilical
notable alum of the School of
cord. “I swear it’s not what it looks like!”
Deranged Wishful Thinking. Must be nice to “publicly identify” It’s less a story of recovery and self-
however you please while actual
love than it is yet another chapter in
people of color suffer under the
one man’s tale of desperately spinning
Best Post-Apocalyptic Job Description: Doof Warrior from Mad Max I like to imagine Coma, the soon-to-be Doof Warrior, interviewing for the role of post-nuclear Army Bugle Boy with Immortan Joe inside a skull-studded Citadel boardroom.
and slavery. Still think she’s a
celebrity status. You have to admit the
misunderstood fanatic? In 2002, she
guy’s got moxie. As this year’s winner
sued the historically black Howard
of the Carpe Diem award, Mr. Sheen
University for racial discrimination
would like to thank the Academy of
upon losing her full-ride fine ar ts
Homeopathy, Satan and Atripla®.
scholarship. Now that’s ar tistic license.
Most Requested Prison Transfer: Altiplano, Almoloya de Juarez, Mexico
to the escape, allowing for a sizable head start into the tunnel. However, an investigation revealed that the guards were in fact playing Solitaire while El Chapo escaped and waited
He’d discuss prior experience in pyromania and get fitted for #2: www.nytimes.com; #3: www.space.ca
the uniform of tattered pajamas and decaying face mask.
yet-undead legacy of imperialism
new lows into shameless grabs at B-list
In the most egregious case of wrist-
several minutes before notifying their
slap justice since the 2008 Wall Street
supervisors of his absence.
Mad Max lore tells a different story: Coma is an orphaned
Bailout, Sinaloa cartel kingpin Joaquin
musical prodigy whom Joe rescued and strung up on a chop
‘El Chapo’ Guzman kindly escorted
Expert appraisals set the total cost of
shop War Rig to shred fiery Slayer covers. Like the plaintive
himself from his high-security Mexican
tunnel construction at $5 million. In
Cubone pokémon, he wears his dead mother’s skull over his
prison cell to sweet freedom via a mile-
narcotics terms, this translates to roughly
face as an emblem of the brutish post-apocalyptic desert.
long underground tunnel complete with
365 lbs of cocaine, or a mere 14 Sinaloa
overhead lights and a sophisticated
business hours. The authorities had
ventilation system.
at least a year’s worth of construction
The official harbinger of the lymphoma-infested kamikaze go-
time to detect foul play. Evidently, when
kart racers known as the War Boys, Doof wields not a femur but a flamethrowing, double-necked guitar. Rocking out that hard
El Chapo’s personal prison guards
corruption permeates the criminal justice
pays for itself and sure beats other Citadel jobs, like being a
initially claimed technical difficulties
system, construction noises fall on deaf
professional blood donor or a human breast pump.
froze their computer screens just prior
ears.
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5
years of what must have been many long nights sobbing into orange-streaked
#
pillowcases. Despite successfully gridlocking legislation throughout the Obama Presidency, Boehner failed to deliver for many Republicans who desired further cuts to welfare program funding and increased government shutdowns. The self-ousting marks a historical
Worst In-Flight Movie: Fifty Shades of Grey
moment in Congress: no political party has demanded the resignation of a same-party Speaker since 1910, and never before has a Speaker so closely
Like Maggie Gyllenhaal’s Secretary and countless Fabio-clad paperbacks before it, last year’s movie adaptation of Fifty
Most Likely to Ruin His Spray Tan: John Boehner
resembled a heartbroken cowboy boot.
examining suburban housewife fantasies.
In the chronicles of America’s cannibalistic
succeeded by Men’s Health centerfold hopeful and
Or did it?
Republican Party, Congressional Tea Partiers finally
2012 Vice Presidential reject Paul Ryan of Wisconsin,
forced the insufficiently conservative Speaker of
who shows a strong commitment to the bizarre
the House, John Boehner, to resign after nearly five
displays of vanity now characteristic of the role.
Despite its titillating subject matter, Fifty Shades fared poorly with critics, racking up a whopping 25 percent
Least F*cks Given: Flossie Dickey
approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. While hardly family-friendly, you’re more likely to shield your eyes from the terrible
In February of this year Flossie Dickey turned an impressive
acting than the incessant ugly-bumping.
110-years old, and instead of celebrating with balloons and
Somehow, Hollywood’s most memorable
cake, only wanted to nap. Can you blame her?
brush with hardcore porn this decade ended up a veritable snoozefest, but
To mark the occasion, Fox 28 sent their jitteriest reporter
luckily, mainstream BDSM hype found
to overwhelm helpless Ms. Dickey with a salvo of blithely
more success with consumer goods.
condescending questions. I don’t know what Dickey’s pre-interview orthodontics looked like, but after the televised teeth-pulling I’m
Following the film, designers like
assuming it’s just Motts going forward for the ultracentenarian.
Alexander Wang, Balmain and the perennially-weird Comme des Garçons
Though she didn’t say much Dickey replied that she was tired,
marched models down their runways
which makes sense when you think about it given that she is one
in black leather whips and harnesses,
hundred and ten years old. She’s survived by three children,
trends that still haunt the catalogues of
twelve grandchildren, twenty great-grandchildren and fifteen
Forever 21 and Urban Outfitters. And the last time my, uh, friend checked, the Fifty Shades franchised sex toy collection was doing quite well on Amazon.
7
#
great-great-grandchildren, which is a lot to handle and a lot of cake to serve. So when the “awkward just-trying-to-fit-ingirl” asked if Dickey was excited, what other response did you expect? It’s her party and she can nap if she wants.
NO. 8 : MOST LIKELY TO IGNORE A VENMO REQUEST: GREECE Much like the couch-surfing friend nicking Heinekens (German beer, get it?) from your fridge, Greece is still suffering deeply from the 2008 financial crisis and has little intention of paying anyone back. Though you and your roommates have your own bills to pay, you still feel bad for the guy. You worry what would happen if you kicked him out, especially since this is the third time he’s crashed with you. He gets snappy when you mention it’d be nice if he pitched in for rent, and you can’t help but feel awfully frustrated. Still, you let him stay as long as he promises to help with chores, though he tends to forget them.
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#5: fiftyshadesofgreyonlinemovie.com; #6: msnbc.com; #7: www.fairchild.af.mil
The famously bronzed and tearful Boehner is
Shades of Grey pulled no punches in
Most Deserving of a Kanye Intervention: The Grammy for Album of the Year
With five #1 Billboard hits and a militant fan base, there’s no question that Taylor Swift is a beloved musician. But her album 1989 should not have stood a chance against Kendrick Lamar’s To Pimp a Butterfly. Swift riffed predictably on the saccharine revenge anthem trope she’s built into a worlddominating brand, and her videos for “Shake if Off” and “Wildest Dreams” bordered on cultural appropriation. Meanwhile, Kendrick’s Butterfly let loose a full-blown lyrical dissertation on race relations. From the screaming defiance of “Blacker the Berry,” to the clever meditation on sexuality and mass incarceration in “These Walls,” Kendrick proves himself a wordsmith worthy not only of Hall of Fame induction, but academic analysis and civil rights campaign rhetoric. “Alright” was the perfect, timely response to the year’s police brutality and the recent resurgence of black rights movements. Kendrick addressed ongoing social crises in ways that other artists, emphatically including Swift, failed to do. I wish ‘Ye had spoken up this time.
www.gq.com STUDYBREAKS.COM
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10
no.
Best No Filter, No Edit Pic: Justin Bieber When Biebs posed for the ever-soclassy Calvin Klein underwear brand, the prepubescent girl population didn’t know what to do with their pigtails. I
#11:
MOST LIKELY TO BETRAY AMERICA’S TRUST/THE BILL COSBY AWARD: JOHN TRAVOLTA
mean, who wouldn’t freak out? His biceps are so big, his abs are so chiseled and—
Idina Menzel, the beautiful voice behind Frozen’s most overplayed tune, was introduced onstage by Mr. John
wait a minute. That doesn’t look quite
Travolta during the 2015 Oscars. Unfortunately, he got a little too close for her comfort and it seemed like she
right. Is it too late now to say sorry now,
just couldn’t Let It Go.
because your online profile doesn’t look a thing like you.
The Wild Hogs hottie first pronounced Menzel’s name incorrectly, then proceeded to make up for it by creepily
Bieber was backed into a corner when
stayed glued to her perfectly contoured chin. As much as the public respects his past work, Travolta’s repeated
the original photos from his shoot
“My darling’s” were a little gross, slimy and well, greasy.
were leaked, revealing the amount of
#12
photoshop-plumping they applied to his skinnier (but still completely fine) body and package. The heartthrob
The Most Likely to Fail…Right? (Right??): Donald Trump
threatened lawsuit while his army, er,
When Donald Trump
became like watching
catch Super-Obama
their eyes and seeing
fans threatened to kill anyone who
announced that he was
The Kardashians:
swoop in and claim
that Trump actually put
accused the Biebs of fraud.
running for president,
Fun at first, but then
the whole shtick as a
a ring on their finger last
everyone laughed with
depressing when Kim K
belated/premature
night, many are making
glee and clapped their
tries to say something
April Fools Day prank,
like the Cruz family and
hands because maybe
coherent.
sprinkling out magical
heading for Canada
Obama phones. He
before their past
politics would be fun now and Oprah could
The public smiled
never came though, and
catches up with them.
be the next Queen
nervously as Trump
now that the American
At least the Canucks will
of England. Soon the
gained more support,
people are rubbing the
elect someone smart,
Republican debates
glancing around to
political hangover from
like a moose, eh?
BUZZ KILLINGTON AWARD: STEVE HARVEY There’s always that one b*tch at the party that your mom made you invite but seriously dampens the mood. She totally knocked over the punch bowl and then hooked up with Stacey’s boyfriend from six years ago. Steve Harvey is that b*tch. At the 2015 Miss Universe Pageant, the ever-so-charming Harvey was tasked with doing the one thing he’s good at. He had one job. Just read the cards—that’s it. But in what could only be called a Family Freudian slip, the typically-articulate star read the wrong name off the card, giving poor Miss Columbia a taste of the crown before rectifying his mistake and swiping it off her primly hair-sprayed head. Harvey, rightfully embarrassed, owned up to his mistake and apologized. But let’s be honest. He’s not getting invited back to the pageant—let alone Columbia—anytime soon.
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no.11: kvil.cbslocal.com ; no. 13: www.post-gazette.com
grabbing her face. The act was less than graceful, and as Menzel laughed uncomfortably, Travolta’s hand
Most Likely to Call in Sick: Chipotle
#14
Chipotle’s black-eyed peas went understandably untouched at the New Year’s potluck this year, after the fervently G-M-NO burrito chain began 2016 by sending 22 customers to the hospital with a dangerous bacterial infection. Unsurprisingly, it was their worst quarterly profit since the year of Mayan Apocalypse Scare. The restaurants’ mouthpieces were pretty mum, timidly offering assurances that everything was fine, totally fine, and you should come in for a bite to eat. They were like the sick girl at the office everyone is being nice to despite secretly wanting her to leave. “Seriously, Chipotle. Go home and get some rest. We’re not going to eat your burritos.” After nearly 100 customers took ill, Chipotle has paid nearly $20 million to date in lawsuits. All the while, McDonalds is just enjoying some time out of the spotlight, especially as they’re still recovering from that “Toe -In-The-Burger” incident. I mean, really. It’s just a toe. Geez.
no.14: www.bloomberg.com; no.15: www.vergecampus.com; no. 16: erinmartynmakeup.blogspot.com
Most Hated YouTuber: Nicole Arbour
NO. 15: MOST LIKELY TO BE DEAD IN
10 YEARS: MILEY CYRUS
For most people, YouTube is a place where you stare into your laptop’s eye, talk about makeup, endorse a celebrity jello tin and make a quick buck. For
After ensuring that her nipples had been covered, someone
Nicole Arbour, it’s a place to seriously
let Miley Cyrus loose onstage during the 2015 MTV Music
piss people off.
Awards. One of her first ensembles was inspired by a shrinky dink and a Polly Pocket on drugs, and I’d like to make a
Any topic that offends common decency
Gumby reference but that’d be really offensive toward the
is fodder for Arbour, and one of her most
green little guy. Cyrus performed with an ensemble of drag
controversial videos, “Dear Fat People,”
queens and then surprised everyone by announcing that she
resulted in the internet demanding
had just dropped an album.
Arbour be liposuctioned off the planet.
While mothers covered their daughters’ eyes, thinking of
Arbour went on to just barely apologize
ways to explain how Hannah Montana died, Nicki Minaj
for the video, defending herself by
then verbally attacked the host and made things even more
claiming that being a comedian justified
awkward than they already were.
her vitriol. I’m sorry, I thought comedy was supposed to make you laugh, not
OK, that’s a lie. It couldn’t really get more uncomfortable than
cringe. I’m still cleaning up the vomit
when Cyrus danced in a screechy, acid-tripping performance
Arbour barfed up all over my laptop
that still haunts my nightmares. We get it, Miley, you like pot.
screen. And let me tell you, it doesn’t
And nipples.
smell nice.
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hot or not
Pho t o g r aphy b y M a d e l y n ne S c a le s | C ap t ion s b y G a bi G i m s on a nd M a r k S t e nb e r g
“Got this close to a chick tonight,” the text goes. Immediately the low roar of fapping fills the night sky. Power outages cripple major metropolitan areas. Seismographs worldwide are triggered. Zoos fall silent. A child in India is born with no face. “Good work,” the Man Bun Group Text replies. “We are pleased.”
Until she found a lover who appreciated her sugary sweet hooves, Candy was ashamed of her massive flavored bunions. Now “Candy Corns” is to niche foot fetish-ists what Zach Galifinakis is to the furry community.
Quinoa’s grassroots weed-dealing operation really mushroomed when his mom dragged him to the Ted Cruz rally as punishment for smudging her living room with burning sage. Strains “God Bless Amerikush,” “Indo v. Wade” and “Danky Doodle” were especially popular among the God and womenfearing crowds.
It’s hard to appropriately hate the fuzz when they come bearing marble-chiseled jawlines, but nothing screams “I’m prone to violent physical overcompensation” like a zero-cal Monster and a scowl.
42 | M A Y
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Zika virus deniers take heed: Even fashionistas brave enough to don pink cowboy hats and calamine-inspired Timbs know better than to f lirt with mosquito exposure. But covering up your washboard abs and bulging bi’s? Call me when it’s Ebola.
For those still doubting the nationalistic ramifications of the recent American ascendancy in the Kobayashi/Chestnut rivalry, the alarming rise of the Japanese phenomenon 自殺の ホットドッグになる, or “suicide by hot dog,” should more than silence any flippant wiener jokes.
Although the Mexican government has repeatedly reminded Mr. Trump that they have no plans of financing his wall, the benefits of being able to keep certain Americans out of Mexico must have crossed officials’ minds at least once.
Everyone took it pretty hard when Fat Tony got whacked, but emotionally unloading on the hot dog vendor outside of your moneylaundering front is a good way to land yourself in the Hudson with cinderblocks tied to your rat feet. Fuggetaboutit, Donny.
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the sketch book
B y B e t t i n a D e Me s a , C a l i f or n i a S t at e F u l le r t on
12 09
10 05
03
08 15
01
13
04 07
06
11
02
16
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14
Nasty’s Austin
NASTY’S
The Vitruvian Academic 01. OBLONG SHAPE: Cleverly manufactured to hide every shamefully delicious mark of participation in the dining hall’s Taco Tuesday. 02. ROBE COLOR: Each discipline is color-coordinated, the most popular of which, “Student Debt Mother-of-Pearl,” is now being mass-produced by Wal-Mart. 03. CHINESE SYMBOL TATTOO: The hidden byproduct of a lotus-laced post-doc epiphany, it turns out “timshel” in Mandarin means “The uselessness of a single chopstick.” 04. CHEVRON STRIPES: One for every chili pepper they have on Ratemyprofessor.com 05. OPTIONAL HOOD: The water-repellent headgear was designed with outdoor ceremonies and graduations near Flint, Michigan, in mind. 06. VELVET PANELS: The repurposed material was stripped from the perpetually unused sofas reserved for office hours. 07. GOLD MEDALLION: The traditional homage to the 15th century scholar and watchmaker Flavius Flav. 08. PIPING: Fashioned from tiny slivers of accumulated parking permits. 09. GO-PRO: The result of a post-absurdist effort from a film professor collective to stitch together graduation footage into a college documentary The Resistance of Memory, a surefire Sundance darling. 10. TASSELS: Thanks to turnitin.com, the tradition of creating tassels from the plucked hairs of plagiarizing students has grown out of hand in recent years. 11. POCKET SLITS: Lined with Starbucks’ latest foray into intravenous caffeination, the slits sheath syringes filled with shots of shade-grown espresso. 12. SIX-POINTED TAM: Commonly mistaken for a hat, the hexagonal shape of the CrunchWrap Supreme container is ideal for storing the necessary sustenance for the seven-hour ceremony. 13. HYDROFLASK: Perfect for keeping Game of Thronesthemed George R.R. Martinis appropriately chilled for up to 48 hours. 14. ANKLE BRACELET: Commemorating the cosmic bond formed during the Berkeley Cannabis Fellowship. 15. SINEWY BICEPS: Two tickets to the period-specific 17th century musket show. 16. THIGH-LITES: Angelina Jolie’s right leg Oscar’s dress making a comeback.
By Bettina De Mesa
STUDYBREAKS.COM
AUSTIN, TX
By Elizabeth Moore University of Texas at Austin If you’re a trash person like me, you’ll love Nasty’s. Tucked into a sleepy little street off 38th and Guadalupe, Nasty’s is your classic dive. Though within walking distance of campus, cross through its dingy threshold and be immediately transported to “old” Austin, a concept so romanticized that it’s almost no longer cool to pine for. The bar’s dark wood paneling, dim lighting and lurid 70’s carpeting could have come straight from your grandmother’s basement. In my experience, there are two kinds of bars in the world: Bars you take Tinder dates to (like Crown and Anchor—always cheap and half a block away from my house), and bars you don’t take Tinder dates to. Nasty’s is one of the bars that you don’t take Tinder dates to, as under no circumstances should you share the whereabouts of your private oases with horny strangers. Instead, take your best friends or your ex boyfriend and beat them at pool on one of Nasty’s two (charmingly) lumpy pool tables. The bar serves liquor but I would stick to beer, as Nasty’s is practically a Lone Star tallboy personified. It’s never that crowded, which makes the patio a great place to relax with a couple beers, the frequency of cigs bummed from friends increasing with every tallboy. On Mondays, DJ Mel spins four hours of rap for hip-hop night, and on Thursdays an appropriately drunk and charming old alcoholic runs the openmic blues jams, where anyone with the necessary chops or ego is invited to play. The sad, sweet twang of blues is the perfect soundtrack for the bar. There are no pretensions here, and there’s a comfort in the seediness. The unknown stains and dim lighting are almost as powerful of opiates as eating nachos in your underwear. Nasty’s, 606 Maiden Lane, Austin, Texas
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the interview
Interviewed by Grace Nicholas, Austin Community College | Photography by Madelynne Scales, Texas State University
G E T T I N G TO K N OW:
MONIK AROSTVOLD In April 2015, Monika Rostvold, 23, sat on the steps of Texas State’s Alkek library wearing nothing but pasties, a nude thong, a blindfold and headphones. Her piece, highlighting the topic of sexual assault, gained international recognition and over 130,000 views on YouTube. In February of this year, the senior took the campus stage again with her performance piece, “All You Can Eat.” Rostvold stripped to her underwear on a TSU lunch table and covered herself with ChickFil-A, drawing comparisons between the unhealthy side effects of fast food and hook-up culture. Rostvold will be graduating in May with Fine Arts concentration in painting, and will be going to SVA in New York City for graduate school.
> “I don’t think of it as my ‘fifteen minutes of fame,’ because I have to treat [exposure] as a business aspect of my job. I want to be successful as an artist, and part of that means people knowing your name.” > “I didn’t tell my dad because I knew he’d try to talk me out of it, so I told my mom, ‘Look I’m going to do this and I might get in trouble with the cops, so just keep your phone on you.’” > “A guy I wanted to be friends with invited me to a party, but when I got there he introduced me by saying, ‘Look I brought the naked girl to the party. This is the naked girl.’ I never thought that would happen, so I was shocked and confused.” > “I don’t know the answers to these questions. I’m just asking people their opinions.” > “I went on the Howard Stern radio show mostly because I thought the people listening were an audience that should hear my interview, and I had to defend and defend and defend myself.” > “I was sweating really badly—the first performance I did—really, really badly. The second performance I had the shakes, not just because [the physical strain] of lying uncomfortably, but because I was really nervous.” > “I don’t think I’m braver than anyone else. There are things that other people would do that I’d be scared of doing. There’s just different kinds of bravery.” > “I had crate-ass because I had been sitting on a table with crates for so long, and on the web there’s a picture of a close-up of my ass that says, ‘This girl needs help. Look at that cellulite.’ So even then I was getting judged. I’m going to get judged no matter what I look like.” > “When I did the first performance I didn’t think of the Internet or social media. I thought I’d be there fifteen minutes before the police told me they’d arrest me if I didn’t leave. When I was done, I went back to my studio and everyone kept telling me, ‘You’re all over Twitter and stuff.’ I was like, ‘Wait what?’” > “My roommate’s boyfriend’s friend was in my house and I was hanging out with him. I said I was going to let my dog out, so I do that and come back and I’m like, ‘Where the fuck is he?’ I open up my bedroom door and he’s laying butt-ass naked on my bed. His one-liner was ‘Can I be in you journal?’ ‘I’m going to go smoke a cigarette,’ I told him. ‘You should probably put your clothes back on.’”
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STUDYBREAKS.COM
MAY 2016
| 47
exeunt
Trump University Graduation Address Dear graduates of Trump University Trump Wealth Institute the Trump Entrepreneurial Initiative, thank you so much for conferencing in. As you know the visitation hours here are medieval, but after a discounted Trump Gold Elite seminar, the promise of a commemorative placard on the forthcoming Wall and a few particularly sudsy minutes in the staff shower, Warden Geoffries has reached the conclusion that fifteen minutes in front of a computer never killed anybody anyway. And while I know the two of you were probably expecting to finally hear from Chancellor Trump himself, I regret to inform you that for legal reasons, the Dean has been forced to divorce himself completely from the program. After the nastiness of the lawsuits began, Professor Trump and I decided that it was in the school’s best interests if I realized that Trump University had been my idea all along. Despite the use of Provost Trump’s name, likeness, and financial backing, I remembered that I had illegally obtained all heretofore mentioned proprietary information, and had in fact never before talked to President Trump (as he particularly liked being called) in my entire life. Though no legal precedent existed at the time, the courts concluded that by way of association, any Trump University student that paid tuition
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to a fraudulent company was in fact guilty of aiding and abetting an illegal institution at best, and co-conspiring against Adjunct Trump at worst. As you are well familiar with by now, such a crime classifies as a felony and is punishable by up to ten years in prison. Still, though Regent Trump has abstained from any communication with me in the last two years, I have reason to believe that he would be very proud of the three of us. You two for continuing and finishing your studies though incarcerated, and me for keeping alive the spirit of entrepreneurialism that I sought to cultivate when I first had the idea to start Trump University, which again, was my idea to start. Because prison rules forbid inmates from conferring diplomas on other inmates, you might be able to tell from my stiff gait that I was able to smuggle in a few celebratory Cubans. Warden Geoffries has promised to leave the door to the rec field unlocked, so tonight the three of us can meet up and pay tribute to the man who’s responsible for putting us where we are today. Though unfortunately the cigars are criminal and covered in shit, I couldn’t think of a more fitting tribute to Mr. Trump.
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