Lady Penelope: Resolving

Lady Penelope

Always to the point, the practically perfect Lady Penelope resolves readers’ issues, problems and general ignorance… with style

Herbal essences?

I’m sure that my neighbour is growing something illegal in his greenhouse. What should I do?

Ask him for some? Failing that, ask him for some growing tips for your dahlias and watch him bluster his way around common or garden advice on normal plants – chances are he won’t know a petunia from a hollyhock. Hours of fun.

Changing it up

I’ve been in a soul-searching period for the last few months and I think I want to make some big changes to my life. How do I start? And do I begin right now? We’ve all HAD to make big changes to our lives over the last few months, and many of us want to make other changes – not only to ourselves, but to society in general. My advice would be to wait at least a year, plotting and planning and saving up money, contacts and goodwill to use when you make your big change. That way, if you change your mind, you can always use the money to go on a Caribbean holiday.

Rainforest refurb...

I’ve just had a mural painted in my spare bedroom to cheer me up. Tropical leaves beneath the dado rail. Will it make things difficult when I come to sell the house next year? This sounds like the ideal way to go on holiday in your own home – a rain forest in your spare bedroom. Put on some ambient forest sounds and lie back with a mojito. New owners always change the décor when they buy a house. Your ‘kerb appeal’ might be compromised, but who wants kerb appeal anyway, apart from sex workers?

Clearout conundrum

I have to clear my space! I’m being swallowed by my stuff. Being surrounded by it has helped me to sort it all out, but I still find it hard to physically transport it to charity shops, or the dump. There are companies who will come and pick up your unwanted stuff – some charities will do it, especially if it includes furniture. A household clearance company might take away all your stuff for a small fee, or if there are some nice ‘pieces’ they might do it for free. Just make sure to check pockets, and down the sides of sofas. Many an heirloom/embarrassment has been saved this way.

Vexing vegetables

I’ve been growing vegetables and fruit this summer, but the potatoes got blight, the runner beans had black fly and the strawberries were eaten by birds. What can I do? You could leave it to the professionals. Growing your own veg is a rosy pink cloud dream that rarely turns out well, unless you have years of experience or a full-time gardener. The Island’s local produce is in the shops right now, and it’s delicious. Buy some from a local greengrocers’ shop, or better still, the farm. Then pretend it’s yours. Simples darling.

Weighty concern

I’ve put on so much weight during lockdown that I’m scared to put on a swimsuit, let alone a bikini. What can I do?

Stay at home? It’s much safer anyway. Failing that, join all the other overweight blobs on the beach, myself included, at a safe social distance of course. Who hasn’t put on the ‘Covid Stone’ during lockdown? Only people who have been madly cycling and power walking about our country roads, like deranged parrots. Sunshine is good for you. Get out in it.