Making change

Raising good men

From the moment we hold our tiny sons in our arms we only want the best for them. But there’s a sense of urgency in the need to guide our boys to becoming happy, healthy, well-adjusted men. Where do we start?

WORDS LIZ McGRATH

Toxic masculinity has become a hot button topic in 2021.

Revelations of alleged rape, sexual misconduct and discrimination inside our parliament saw thousands turn out to march for justice across the country. Voices such as Australian of the Year Grace Tame and former Liberal party staffer Brittany Higgins became a catalyst for others to speak out.

When Sydneysider Chanel Contos started a petition, thousands of stories of sexual assault from students and former students were exposed.

Significantly the issue of toxic masculinity affects not only girls and women, but boys and men as well.

“I wish I grew up in an Australia where the narrative that one in three women will be physically or sexually abused at some point in their life wasn’t true, but it is,” Brisbane Boys’ College captain Mason Black said in an address to his peers.

“This is not solely an issue of protecting women but an issue of educating men. Stop being boys, be human.”

Risk factors in our digital age

Maggie Dent, one of Australia’s foremost parenting educators, says raising boys has changed dramatically in the 21st century.

“The internet has become like the proverbial rabbit hole our teens disappear down,” says the former teacher, counsellor and mother of four now grown-up boys.

Maggie, the author of From Boys to Men says: “There’s a huge focus on body image, kids are being marinated in sexualised images and age-inappropriate content from violent videos.”

She says statistics show boys have been exposed to pornography in some form — “the most toxic poison in this mix” — by the time they are just 11 years old.

“Pornography normalises aggression and dominance as part of a sexual relationship, which is the exact opposite of what it should be, which is loving, tender, affectionate and consensual.”

Little surprise then, Maggie says, that sexting images has “become like first base”, with teens and even children sharing photos of their body parts.

“Never has it been more important to talk to boys about valuable, meaningful and respectful relationships and how to form them, without shouting and shaming,”she says.

“Decode and deconstruct the phrases your boy will hear like ‘run like a girl’, ‘toughen up’ and ‘don’t be a sissy’, so that they can understand why they are unhelpful.

“Our job as parents is to put the rails back on the bridge to manhood and encourage a tribe of good people, ‘lighthouses’, to keep an eye out for them — a village of connectedness so that they feel valued and loved, even when they make bad decisions on that bridge.”

Respect at the heart of consent

Catharine Lumby, professor of media at Sydney University and researcher on workplace cultures, says it’s never too early to start teaching consent and respect.

“One of the things research shows us is that if we start young, we can raise young boys to understand that women are people, too,” Prof Lumby says.

“When my two boys were in childcare, I talked to both of them about consent. I said, ‘if you see another child playing with a toy you want, you have to ask first. If they say yes, it doesn’t mean you can do anything you want with it. If they want it back, you give it back’.”

She says her own research shows that about 63 per cent of Australians believe boys and girls should play with different toys.

“If very young children are taught that gender is one of those most important things in the world, no wonder some boys grow into men who think they are fundamentally different and that they have different rights,” she says.

“One of the worst things we do to boys and young men is to tell them they can’t cry and can’t feel — we’re actually harming them by doing that, boys are people, too.” MAGGIE DENT’S THREE KEY WAYS TO CONNECT WITH BOYS Pick your time “Not when they’re eating, on their phone or just out of bed.” Choose your tone “Know that boys see the world differently through an adolescent lens and that they’re really sensitive behind the mask they wear. Use compassion.” Build rapport “A bridge of connection is incredibly helpful when having conversations with tween and teen boys. A gentle punch on the arm, tousle of the hair or even a wink works. Oh, and never forget the connection of a well-timed fart!”

Fathering boys plays a key role

Today’s dads are more involved in parenting than ever before.

The University of Western Australia’s Fathering Project leader Bruce Robinson says they play a critical role not only for sons but daughters, too.

“The foundations of respect that a girl expects from a man are established early on, and a lot of that comes from her father,” Dr Robinson says. “When a father treats his daughter with respect, she won’t tolerate disrespect from another man.

“Boys learn to respect or disrespect girls or women at their father’s feet. There are many forces that can implant unhealthy values in boys and if dads don’t get involved, these get a free hit.

“Teach your boys to learn to be empathetic to girls in the playground, their sisters and women as they grow older. Teach them what it feels like for the other person.

“Our philosophy at the Fathering Project is not mopping up the water but turning off the tap.”

The beauty of boys “For what a mystery a boy is. Even to a grown man. Perhaps especially to a grown man. And how easy it is to forget what beautiful creatures they are. There’s so much about them and in them that’s lovely. Graceful. Dreamy. Vulnerable. Qualities we either don’t notice, or simply blind ourselves to.”

— Author Tim Winton

Extra reading to help you through tricky times

FROM BOYS TO MEN MAGGIE DENT (Pan Macmillan)

Maggie Dent once again cements herself as the champion of boys with her latest easy-to-follow and commonsense guide to raising teenage males. Filled with useful tips and relatable real life examples, everyone with adolescent boys will experience many “aha” moments as they learn their uncommunicative tweens and teens are in fact completely normal. A tonic for frazzled parents.

RAISING BOYS IN THE 21ST CENTURY STEVE BIDDULPH (HarperCollins)

A word-of-mouth bestseller that has been updated and expanded to include new research on what helps, and harms, in guiding boys on the often tricky path from boyhood to manhood. Written in a simple and straightforward tone, Steve Biddulph presents the facts and the rationale, offering parents and caregivers a way forward that will benefit the whole family.

THE MAKING OF MEN ARNE RUBINSTEIN (Hardie Grant)

Dr Arne Rubinstein calls on years of experience as a GP and working in emergency medicine for the task of helping parents understand their boys. The father of two outlines a clear stepby-step approach to taking boys on this critical journey in their lives to help them grow into happy, healthy and well-adjusted men. Includes plenty of tools, techniques, advice and ideas.