Keeping that Handbag “Handy”

By Loudon Temple

Women and their handbags? You could write a book about them. There is the apocryphal tale of the two workmen and the blonde who came to their rescue, for instance. They are standing at the foot of a large flagpole staring up at the top and pondering. She asks what they are doing, and they explain they’ve been told to measure its height but do not have a ladder.

The Marilyn look-alike says: “I may be able to help”, and reaching into her handbag, pulls out an adjustable spanner and starts to loosen the fixing bolts at the base to allow the pole to be gently lowered to the ground and laid flat. Reaching deep inside her bag again, this time, she produces a measuring tape and spreads it out from base to top to give them the figure they needed. As she walks away, one of them says: “Typical blonde! You ask her for the height, and she gives you the length!”

My wife has a handbag that has amazed people by the full extent of its potential. She is from a village in the Scottish Borders where a great little factory once produced Liddesdale canvas fishing bags which were bespoke, finished with leather trim and, let’s say, “capacious.”

Her bag (it had a shoulder strap which could be shortened) was the largest one they made, with two spacious pockets at the front as well as a very ample interior. It would have featured in the Guinness Book of Records had there been a category for the most things ever carried in a lady’s handbag. As a result, she gained legendary status for coming to the rescue in the most extraordinary - and amusing - circumstances.

Once we were enjoying a meal in our favourite Italian restaurant when the owner let out a shriek of disbelief that stunned us into silence as he held up the handle of his corkscrew to indicate it had come adrift from the working end.

This was pre-late-opening supermarkets when you still had to buy your corkscrew from the hardware store. Brenda told him: “I may be able to help” and began to fish around deep inside her angler’s bag, then seconds later, saved the day by producing a nice old antique corkscrew with a rosewood grip. The restaurant was packed and a hush had fallen over the room when the alarm was first raised by our sommelier. Those grateful diners all gave Brenda a cheer. Our hero. ...it gets better.

One winter, while holidaying in Orkney and staying at a delightful bed and breakfast retreat that was a tastefully converted 18th Century meal mill, the owner panicked when her washing machine overflowed and flooded the ancient flagstone floor. There was only one plumber available, and his workshop was an hour’s drive away on the southern tip of the Orkney Islands at South Ronaldsay. He would attend, he said, and sure enough, sixty minutes later, he arrived to find a drain blockage. He needed to attach a hose to a tap in order to use a high-pressure jet of water to clear it but was frustrated in his efforts as he did not have a jubilee clip that was the size required to hold the hose tightly in place. Sadly, he said, he’d have to return to his workshop to retrieve one - a two-hour round trip just to get this essential fixing clip.

Having overheard him, Brenda asked: “What size do you want? I think I may have three different sizes with me!” The look on his face was a picture that suggested surprise that was tinged with the air of dismissive conceit that tradesmen can occasionally convey to members of the opposite sex when they try to make a sensible suggestion. “She’s mad,” his expression said, and then he was simply dumfounded as she went to our room to have a look and returned with a smile that confirmed success. “Take your pick,” she said, as the sceptic subsided, and his mouth fell wide open.

Bren explained that, being a jewellery designer with her own workshop, she used the jubilee clips to secure the rubber tube from her soldering torch to the gas cylinder. Before departing from Glasgow she had gone to her supplier’s store to get some, buying a few different sizes to be well covered, she explained. Our delighted hostess, Morag, treated us to one of the finest lunches we had ever enjoyed – seafood straight from the pier that morning – to show her appreciation.

There is something very comforting about being out and about in the world with Brenda and her handbag. It has been known, from time to time to cause a bit of a stushie during airport security checks, however!

- Loudon Temple is a Scottish writer with a career spanning more decades than is natural. He has had work published in most of the UK dailies and their supplements, and many of the better magazines too. A travel writer for twenty of those years, he and his wife, Brenda, are always seeking new territories to explore; fresh adventures. A selection of his travelogues can be found on the beenandgoneanddoneit.com website. In coming editions, we will feature a few of his short-story Tales from My Travels. Some will amuse and some will amaze.

www.beenandgoneanddoneit.com

@loudon.t