By riveræs end ebook fnl

By the

River’s

end

Lourdes Adonay-Abrenica

By the

River’s

end

Copyright Š 2013 by Lourdes Adonay-Abrenica All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the Publisher.

Publishers: Inspiring Publishers Po box 159 Calwell ACT 2905, Australia.

Email: inspiringpublishers@gmail.com National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry Author: Abrenica, Lourdes Title: By the river’s end/Lourdes Abrenica.

ISBN: 9781925011494 (ebook) Subjects: Love stories.

Dewey Number: A823.4

H

ow amazing that one can recall a lot of memories even the oddest ones about short pieces of coloured pencils?

It was an ordinary Saturday for me; my son and husband were still in bed. I woke early as usual to check on my son who had come home late after his Friday night clubbing.

I noticed that his rubbish bin was overflowing again!

It’s a habit of mine to check before throwing it out, as he is careless and throws important stuff away. In the bin I saw a set of coloured pencils about 4 inches long.

I was dismayed.

I remember coloured pencils were so precious to me when I was young and he was throwing them away. I know my son would say it’s hard to grip them that short, so I just picked up the pencils and hid them, maybe I could send them to a charity in the Philippines?

My very first coloured pencils were a gift from Mikaela, but at first I didn’t know it was from her. I was good at drawing when I was young but that part of my life is just a memory now that I keep to myself.

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My son inherited drawing from me but I never told him.

My husband said it must be from his great grandma who was a struggling painter, but I know the truth.

I grew up in a small and religious town in the southern part of the Philippines. It was so small that everyone knew each other and we were all related, uncles and aunts, first and second cousins, you know what I mean?

It was a very religious village, the old people would never miss an early morning mass and the children had to be at home when the church bell tolled at 6 pm to pray the angelus. If we were outside we would have to stop doing whatever it was and pray, then resume what we were doing when the church bell finished ringing.

I grew up with a busy grandma. She owned a stall in the market and sold groceries as well as fresh vegetables and coconuts. She needed to be at the market early for the fresh produce. My mum abandoned me when I was four, right after my dad died of tuberculosis. I was a loner, nobody liked to play with me. Other children considered me different as I had no parents, it was a rare thing at that time.

From a young age I could already draw paper dolls and dresses. Poverty made me ask grocery stores for empty cigarette boxes so I could draw the dolls and I used the back blank page of old calendars for the dolls’ dresses.

The dolls and dresses were devoid of any colours as

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I didn’t have any colouring material. I drew well. I inherited it from my father they say. My father, when still alive, drew the passion of Christ in our town church and during Sunday mass I would only look at it.

I met Mikaela in Grade 1. She was a spoiled only child of a rich couple. They owned a castle-like house on top of the hill. Her parents owned almost all the land in our town and nearby towns too. They were generous patrons of the church so that during the mass on Sundays they were seated on special chairs close to the priest near the altar.

Mikaela used to bully me from Grade 1 to 3. For three years I was so afraid of her. She would chase me after class so I had to run very fast till I reached my grandma’s house. She would laugh at my packed lunch - their dogs ate better she said. Unknown to her I would look hungrily at her food. She had too much while I didn’t have enough. Coins would fall out of her bag every time she took something out. My first three years of school were spent in fear of her. I had to hide after class so she couldn’t chase me. I came out of hiding only when everyone was gone.

It was in Grade 4 that my life changed. One of my classmates saw my paper dolls and she offered to buy one for 10 cents and offered another 10 cents for 10 dresses.

I was so happy with the extra money; I had only food to bring to school but no money. I was starting to become

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popular with the girls. They would provide me with cardboards and papers and pay me too. Mikaela never bothered with dolls and my popularity with the girls prevented her from bullying me further so she left me alone. Although my classmates were nice to me they were not my friends, they only wanted to play with my creations but not with me. The cents I earned allowed me to try the foods and lollies from the canteen. I was happy for some time until we finished our elementary grades.

During summer vacation after finishing elementary school, my aunt took me as her helper to look after my baby cousin and help with some housework. I was not getting paid but at least I had good food and a soft bed.

It was during that vacation that I started to take notice of my physical appearance. I was quite taller than the average girl. My body developed earlier too. I was not skinny but not fat either. My hair was long and straight and very black. My best feature I think was my legs and oftentimes I would see boys looking at them. They were long and well shaped. I also had fair skin when everyone else was tanned. My face was not bad either. I had dimples on my cheeks; the one on the right is deeper than the one on the left which I think added to my noticeabilty. I had attracted few boys maybe because they wouldn’t see me often on the street unlike the girls in our neighbourhood. No boy could approach me as they were afraid of my grandma.

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1975. June came. My first year in high school was with mixed feelings. It’s the time when the girls are not interested in playing with dolls anymore. They are starting to notice boys and start looking vain. I couldn’t afford to look vain. Philippine weather is either too hot or too wet. My female classmates in the middle of a hot day would powder their faces with talc inserted inside their handkerchiefs and spray themselves with colognes. How I wished I could have done that too. It was only after a month at school when Mikaela joined our class. She came from a long vacation on their island and Manila the capital of the Philippines where they also owned apartments for rent. She was as tall as me, heavily tanned and had perfectly cut very short hair.

She had a perfect nose, round black eyes and beautiful lips. She was so beautiful and confident that boys in our class were afraid of her plus her wealth made us all inferiors. Seeing her that day brought back the fear, that immediately after class I ran as fast as I could and only breathe when at home against a closed door. The next day, she didn’t even look at me or even notice me and that was a huge relief. I felt relieved but at the same time it added more to my insecurities that even the bully would not notice me.

One day I was alone under a tree drawing after eating lunch when something hit the back of my head! It hurt and made my eyes misty. I looked around looking for whoever was responsible but saw no-one except

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the same boys and girls who were playing before. The object behind me was a box of twelve coloured pencils about four inches long. As I couldn’t see anybody who might have thrown it, I tried one and it was perfect. It was the right texture and left no mess when I couloured my drawing.

It was very different from the ordinary crayons that we were using. I looked again to see if somebody would claim it but as I couldn’t see anybody bothering then I made it my own. I couldn’t part with it as my head still hurt so I guessed it was justifiable to keep it for myself.

I considered it my very first precious possession. I used it sparingly to make it last longer and it did. I used it till I can no longer hold the pencils. I had no idea where it came from but for me it was an answered prayer.

2013. This coming December 2013 will be our 30th wedding anniversary. I must say that our marriage is not perfect but completely comfortable. Andrew and I are very comfortable with each other. I am not a bored housewife. Running my own home, making it spotless, serving my husband and being a good mum to my two kids keeps me occupied. My daily existence has been almost the same for the 30 years of our marriage. Now that my kids are grown up I have started feeling empty and idle. What now inspires me as reality hits that I’m getting old is the time that I can finally go back to where all my wonderful memories began. Now that the kids

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no longer need my care I am happy with myself that I raised them well. I made them my priority and now is the time for me to think about myself, to do things that will make me at peace with myself and at peace with Mikaela’s memory.

1975. My first year in high school passed by smoothly except for the incident with the coloured pencils. Every weekend the arrangement was for me to be with my aunt to help. My world at that time revolved around school and my aunt’s house. I didn’t have much time to draw. I forgot about Mikaela and her bullying. Everyone in class was experiencing changes physically, mentally and emotionally. Summer vacation came and I hated it for I was to be at my aunt’s fulltime. Sleep was my only rest as my cousin was already a toddler and made me so tired that I couldn’t wait for my bedtime. I missed my drawings and time for myself.

By that time I was already accustomed to being alone.

I had no friends because for my classmates I was the different one. I didn’t know how to play or be with young people like me. The best time for me during those times was when I was all alone drawing. My drawings were the expression of what I felt, the meaning of my existence.

1976. I was in my second year of high school and my life passed without anything interesting. I was an unknown entity in our class except for some looks I got from the

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boys. I was used to them staring at me so I didn’t find it uncomfortable. I was in my own world so who cared about them? When I had my period, my grandma told me to put layers of soft cloth inside my panty and secure them with safety pins. It was like baby’s diaper but thicker and I managed to walk normally. I was aware that there were sanitary pads at the store but grandma said they were no good. They would stop the blood according to oldies in the phils sanitary pads are made of plastic thus it is hot then stop the blood flow making a woman sick. But I think she didn’t like to spend money on me that’s why. It was so inconvenient that when I used it at school, I needed to make it thicker to prevent leakage. Then at home it took more time to wash it with all the blood and I had to scrub it really hard to remove all traces of blood then hang it out to dry.

One day I forgot to put one on and my period came when I was at school. When I stood after class for the lunch break, my skirt had spots of blood on it that made my classmates behind me whisper to each other. From behind, Mikaela grabbed my wrist and she started to run still holding my wrist, I had to run as well. We ran among the trees outside the school ground then to the bushes until we reached the part where the river ends.

It was the first time I saw that place. It was surrounded with trees and there were big rocks too. The water was glistening under the midday sun and inviting too after our running.

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We stopped before the water and that’s the only time Mikaela freed my wrist. We rested for a short while and when we were breathing normally, Mikaela undressed me. It was in slow motion as if I were fragile. I began to experience a different and strange sensation. My fear and awe of her made me stand still until I was totally naked. Then she ordered me to go wash myself in the clear water. I went to the deeper part where all my body was hidden just my head visible above the water.

Mikaela on the other hand washed my panty and skirt free from blood and put it on top of the bushes to dry.

She undressed and joined me in the water.

I watched her every move. I was afraid to talk and afraid to destroy the moment. When she was standing so close to me, I started crying. I cried hard from the embarrassment from everything especially from Mikaela’s caring.

I was so embarrassed by the bloodstains but also happy that somebody cared for me.

Mikaela put her arms around me and let me finish my crying. She stroked my hair and back so tenderly. Then she put my face close to hers and kissed me lightly on my lips. Her touch was so tender and light that I felt loved and comforted. Then she started splashing me with water and I splashed her too. We played and swam and laugh out loud. When we got tired we climbed out of water and dressed. She got something from her bag, a sanitary pad and put it on my now dried panty. That

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time I didn’t feel any shame or awkwardness with her.

It was as if we were old friends.

There was a guava tree nearby and Mikaela took some.

We sat and ate in silence. It was the very first day I had a playmate and had fun. It was also my first intimate encounter with someone. I didn’t feel any malice or shame about what we did. For me that day was delightful and sensual. I didn’t want to it to end but sadly it was getting dark and we had to part ways. The next day at school was like any ordinary day. Nobody looked at me laughing; it was as if nothing embarrassing happened to me yesterday. I was thinking that maybe because I was rescued by the most popular student at school that everything must have been forgotten. Mikaela never gave me a look the whole day as I kept on looking at her trying to catch her gaze. I concluded that she was just sorry for me that was why she helped me. Days passed without her talking or looking at me as I continued my unknown existence.

Foundation Day of the school was a week-long event. It was a week of festive mood with lots of fun and excitement. There were plays, dancing and singing competitions. And the last day was the closing and awarding program plus the beauty pageant contest. Our class adviser was asking us who will join the beauty contest.

One of the boys in our class shouted my name but Mikaela shouted back loudly, “NO WAY! ALEXANDRA IS FAT,

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UGLY AND DUMB! SHE WILL BE THE LOSER!” My classmates laughed and I just looked down with tears in my eyes.

The week-long event gave me the opportunity to catch up with my drawings at home. My grandma’s house was old and big. Some said it was haunted because it was the house of a wicked Spaniard who died there. Personally, I welcomed the ghost if there was one because it meant that I had some company. My grandma’s business kept her occupied the whole day, from 5:00 am to 6:00 pm.

My grandma had three daughters. The eldest was my mum. Nobody knew her whereabouts. My second aunt was the one I helped on the weekends and schools holidays. My youngest aunt was studying in Manila and she hardly ever came for a visit. The house was always empty so when Foundation Festival came I didn’t tell my grandma and aunt that I was not joining any activity so they would not oblige me. It meant a whole week for myself to be free to do whatever I wanted.

On the last day of the festivity when everybody was at school for the closing events, I decided to spend the day at the place where Mikaela and I had great fun. I brought with me two pieces of bread, drinking water, an old towel to sit on and my pencils and a few blank papers.

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It was so peaceful there. Kids never liked to swim there as the water was too shallow to swim while the other end was the popular spot as the water was so deep and they could dive and swim well there. It was nice to be surrounded by nature, it inspired me to draw. I put the towel on the shadiest spot. I was wearing old shorts and an old t-shirt. Once settled, I started to draw the scenery in front of me. After drawing the big rocks I stopped. I felt lazy so I just stared into the clear water remembering the day with Mikaela. I was so engrossed with my thoughts when suddenly I was hit hard on my right shoulder that I fell sideways.

When I gathered my wits, I looked at the object that hit me. It was again a box of coloured pencils but this time it was longer, bigger and had more colours - that’s why it hurt like hell! I realized that time who was responsible and there she was standing about fifty meters away, Mikaela. I stood with the box in my hand, because of the pain and anger I threw it back to her so forcefully that it knocked her down. I then Iaughed and laughed until tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Mikaela stood and came close. We sat silently for a while; both of us were nursing our own pain. I broke our silence by asking, “Why do you like to hurt me?

In grade school, you chased me, you insulted me, you called me fat and ugly! I am dumb that’s true but not fat and ugly!”

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Mikaela simply replied, “I love you Alexa. I caused you pain so I would know if you are real. You have your own world, it’s like you’re not capable of feeling, so when I hurt you and got nothing out of it, I thought that maybe you are not human but this time you are one after all. I don’t want you to join that stupid beauty contest because I never want anybody to look at you.

I won’t be able to bear it when boys will feast their eyes on you. I brought you another set of colouring pencils so you can make your drawings alive again and it will make you happy too.”

After her confession, I broke into tears and cried till my eyes had nothing to shed anymore. It was strange, I didn’t easily cry, I had a high tolerance of pain but with the emotions I felt at that moment with Mikaela, I experienced a different kind of emotion, I felt loved.

It was the first time I heard the words I LOVE YOU. It was not from my mum or grandma but from Mikaela whom I feared and envied. I was touched by Mikaela’s warmth. We stayed there most of the day, I continued to draw and colour and she slept beside me so calmly.

I watched her sleep. She was so beautiful!

Nobody knew of our secret encounters. At school we were both distant and never talked. It was hard for us to meet again because of my weekend obligations to my aunt. My weekdays were spent at school then back to

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grandma’s house. I couldn’t stay out beyond 5 pm. Girls had to be at home to pray the Angelus at 6pm.

1979. When we were in our fourth year of high school, the last year, everyone was excited planning what to do next after leaving school. I wanted to study Arts in Manila but of course we couldn’t afford it so I didn’t plan anything at all. I would just wait for grandma to decide what she wanted of me. My aunt said that she needed me badly as she was pregnant with her second child and she would pay me this time she promised. My grandma never said a word to me or discussed with me my future and I didn’t bother to raise the topic anyway as I knew that it would be futile.

Our last year was the busiest too as we were all preparing for the National College Entrance Test. The result of that test would determine what we could study after high school. I focused even though I had no plans whatsoever. If you had plans to study law, medicine and engineering you needed to get a mark of 90%. That was difficult already, you really needed to be intelligent and study harder. I was only aiming for 50% to 70% but still not confident I could get it. Some were really serious about it but most were not as they were planning to get married after graduation. If one was able to graduate high school at that time you could land a decent job.

You could be a salesperson or maybe a messenger in the office and at least you wouldn’t make your hands dirty. That was decent at that time.

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Mikaela and I now had a mutual understanding. At school we were the same as before, like strangers. We never meet often because we found it hard to organise proper timing.

Skipping class to be with Mikaela was tempting but we were all focused on our studies. Mikaela was aiming for 95-100% result as her plan was to study law in manila.

March of 1979 was our last month in high school and there were no classroom lessons anymore so we were free to do whatever we liked as long as we were present for the graduation ceremony rehearsals. On one of those days we were waiting inside our classroom for our class adviser. Mikaela wrote on the blackboard the schedule of our practices. My classmates were so noisy.

I sat there watching Mikaela’s back while she wrote.

She had good writing strokes and very good posture too. She always moved with confidence and when she talked in front of us, everyone listened. Before finishing her writing she also wrote at the bottom: CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL! When our adviser arrived, she told us that she would be very busy the whole day with the printing of the invitations and certificates so she couldn’t mind us. She therefore declared that we could do whatever we wanted that day but to be early next day for the rehearsal. My classmates didn’t wait for our adviser to finish her sentence and they started shouting and rushing out of the

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door. I caught Mikaela looking at me and she gave me a wink. I started to get nervous while I exited the school ground. I was both excited and afraid of what might lie ahead that day.

It was a typical hot March day. I took the long way to give me time to think. It was our second time together.

When I got there, she was already sitting on one of the big rocks and her feet were in the water. She had changed from her uniform into faded shorts and a yellow t-shirt. She was looking at me angrily when she spotted me. I said sorry but she didn’t reply. She extended her hand so she could help me climb the rock and sit beside her. She had packed lunch and divided it between us.

The food was delicious. I could only taste those kinds of foods on special occasions.

We sat there for a while as it was shaded with leaves from the big trees that surrounded the edge and rocky part of the river. Even under the shade one could still feel the heat of summer and the clear water was so inviting. Mikaela started to undress. Once fully naked she slid herself into the water from where we were seated.

She swam back and forth. It was high tide so the water was about a foot above Mikaela’s head.

She was a good swimmer, properly trained I guess.

Then she swam back towards me and told me that if I did not join her she would splash me with water.

I was afraid of my uniform getting wet and hesitated to

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undress as she was staring up at me. I asked politely if she could turn her back. She didn’t. She only continued looking at me. I shyly removed all my clothes and folded them nicely before joining her.

I tried to swim away. I was not as good as her but could swim and float. The water was warm and refreshing.

I swam where I could stand with just my head out of the water. Then I looked at her and she started swimming towards me. She stopped so close to me that I started to feel differently. She was too close that we could both hear our hearts beating. She cupped my face with her soft hands then started kissing me so lightly on my lips.

I didn’t know what to do but stood there frozen while feeling butterflies in my stomach. The sensation was so new to me, yet it was nice and I liked it.

The next thing I knew I started responding to her by copying what she was doing to me. It was that time that we already knew how to enjoy and kiss each other passionately until we stopped to catch our breath. It was a wonderful feeling, so delicious. My ignorance of it all made me think what had happened was something I couldn’t name but I surely felt it. It was so addictive that I didn’t want it to finish.

Ours was a very small town. There was no cinema, books or magazines that would introduce us to this kind of thing. Mikaela on the other hand, had knowledge which was unknown to us, the poor. We swam more

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until we were tired. Before we climbed back on the rock, she put my back against the rock and we kissed again.

Then she started to touch me everywhere and I touched her as well. We both had smooth skin that was good to touch. Everything happened so fast that the next thing I knew I was happy and giddy.

We dressed then Mikaela climbed the guava tree and we ate as many as we could. We were tired and hungry. While waiting for our hair to dry, Mikaela talked about her plans. She wanted to be a lawyer and if she had money of her own she would get me away from grandma’s care. I was so touched by her plans for the both us.

She asked me about my plans too so I told her about my aunt’s offer of fulltime babysitting and also grandma’s silence about my future. Mikaela was sympathetic and hugged me tightly and comforted me by telling me she would look after me in due time. She told me how I would be missed by her. She would buy a house close to the water where we would live together. We would swim and laugh and I could draw all the time I wanted.

She would buy me paints and all sorts of drawing materials. Her comforting words made me cry more. I asked myself that time, how could a spoiled rich lady reach out unselfishly?

I found her tenderness so genuine and it only made me sad, especially the thought of us being apart. Mikaela

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had this sensitivity that was beyond my comprehension.

She was the only person who truly cared for me.

Mikaela was my inspiration and that made me realize that I was not unfortunate after all. I was so lucky that I had my Mikaela. Her love brought a new meaning to my life. The memory of what happened that day always brings a smile to my lips. Her love for me made me want to wake up for another day. I was humming on my way home.

2013 - This year is my 50th birthday. My kids are grown up and they have their own life and independence. My husband will be retiring in five more years.

I have been planning things for myself now that they no longer need my care.

This year is the year for me to start my own life, as I was planning the last couple of years. I will be going back to the Philippines to stay there for the rest of my life. It will be my time for myself. My husband is not included in my plans. I want to be alone and be content to live with all my wonderful memories of Mikaela.

My life with my husband is comfortable. I have this nothing to complain marriage. I grew up in poverty and practically an orphan but my marriage to a finance analyst/consultant changed that. I don’t need to work.

Andrew’s pay is more than enough to help us live comfortably. His work made us travel to different places.

Our two children can speak Mandarin, French and

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Japanese and of course perfect English. They can’t speak Tagalog though but can understand the basics.

We lived in China for five years, another five years in France and Japan for two years. We had holidays in Switzerland, London and America.

I must say my marriage to Aussie Andrew upgraded my life, from nothing to something. Andrew never wanted me to work. I have been a fulltime mum and wife. When the kids were at school, I devoted myself to maintaining a spotless three bedroom modern house on the northern beaches of New South Wales. Even when we were in the Philippines we never hired a maid and I didn’t want anybody to care and look after my kids except me. I was a perfect wife to Andrew although I didn’t socialize except for some functions I needed to attend with him.

Andrew has been faithful and he loves me dearly. With that I feel obligated to be a good wife to him. We have different taste in movies and books. When we watch movies of his choice together I will end up sleeping.

I never try to force him to be interested in what I like, whatever he wants I agree to without any fuss at all. We had no heated discussions or fights. Andrew married a perfect wife. He has a perfect home and kids, what else could a guy ask for? It’s really easy to live a harmonious and peaceful married life. ONE HAS TO GIVE WAY AND THAT’S IT!

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1979. After that intimate day with Mikaela, everyday at school was busy for the graduation rehearsals. It was a big deal for students and parents. At that time if you were able to finish high school, at least you could land a decent job. Street cleaners, housemaids and nannies were for those who were not able to graduate high school. Everyone’s excitement increased each day as we neared our graduation rites.

During our last day of practice, a day before the graduation, Mikaela handed everybody an invitation. Her parents were throwing her a big party a day after the ceremony. The party was in everyone’s head now, what to wear and what to expect and surely it would be grand and one couldn’t afford to miss it. For me, I surely couldn’t attend as my aunt already talked to me about accompanying her to the next town for her kid’s doctor’s appointment. I didn’t have the chance to tell Mikaela because everybody was talking to her.

Graduation day came; so much drama among my classmates. Drama between friends and loved ones, parents’ tears of happiness, proud teachers, Mikaelas parents’ joy because she finished second in our class and the highest achiever in the college entrance test. Her parents proudly said that even if she wanted to enter the college of medicine she could with her test result.

Immediately after the graduation, my grandma asked me to go home as she needed an early start the next

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day at the market. I asked if I could stay a bit longer, she said it was ok as long as when I got home not to make any noise so as not to wake her up. As I stood amongst congratulations and cheers, a good looking guy in our class named Roy, handed me flowers and gave me a peck on my cheek. The flowers were about a dozen yellow daisies and about three red roses tied with a red ribbon. I gave him my sweetest smile and a hug for his gestures.

I left discreetly after returning my graduation gown to my adviser. Instead of going home, I walked to the place where I found my happiness. I climbed to the highest rock and lay down facing the sky. The sky was so bright with so many stars! The stars were big and bright! The evening was so calm except for the crickets.

I gazed at the stars while I thought of my mother. I never missed her but tonight I would like her to be with me as proud as the rest of the parents. Big tears of sadness flowed down my cheeks. I felt so alone but not for long as I sensed Mikaela was down by the rocks, maybe giving me some time for myself.

It was me who spoke first by saying my congratulations to her. She climbed beside me and threw into the water the flowers Roy gave me. She gave me a small red box and kissed me on my cheek as well as congratulating me too. I apologized for not buying her a gift. She smiled and made me open my gift. Inside the box was a very

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fine gold ring and when you looked closer you could see that the ring was made of tiny linked hearts.

She put it on my finger and it fit perfectly as we had the same long and finely shaped fingers. I gave it back to her as I said I didn’t know how to explain it to grandma and I couldn’t wear such a beautiful piece while doing housework at my aunt. Mikaela told me not wear it but keep it with me everywhere I go. According to her it was a reminder of her love to me forever. She promised too that her love was only for me, from the day she saw me in grade 1 until death she swore and I shivered at the mention of death. Her promise was so intense and I couldn’t say a word only continue to cry more. We were not intimate that night but just were content in each others’ arms until midnight. We embraced tightly before we parted.

The summer of 1979 was almost over. I had no time to catch up with Mikaela before she left for Manila to study. I was busy looking after my four year old cousin.

I didn’t have any days off as my aunt was pregnant again. Nighttime was my only rest. My aunt paid me 100 pesos a month.

At the end of May, I fell asleep with my cousin on his afternoon nap when I was woken by loud voices arguing. It was my aunt and grandma. Their voices were so loud that I put a pillow on my cousin’s ear so as not to wake him. I listened and they were talking about me.

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Apparently my mum kept sending a small amount of money every month since she left me and my grandma put it in the bank for my college. My grandma insisted that she wanted me to do a secretarial course which was for two years because that’s all the money we could afford. My aunt of course didn’t like it, maybe next year she said. They met halfway when grandma assured my aunt that she would find a reliable maid to replace me.

The thought of my mum sending me money was heartwarming and so was the idea that my grandma thought of me after all.

June of 1979 - my grandma accompanied me to the biggest town in our province. I was to stay in a boarding house owned by her childhood friend which was a short walk to the college. It was a two year secretarial course. My earnings from my aunt enabled me to buy some new clothes and shoes too. My new found independence brought me happiness, it was a new world to explore, a new world of my own. My grandma gave me a weekly minimal budget for food and accommodation.

I had to concentrate on my studies but there was no evening before I slept that I didn’t think of my Mikaela.

I also had the chance to wear the ring; it was a constant reminder of her love and promises to me. Every Friday night I had to catch a train back to our town. Saturdays and Sundays were the usual - help at my aunt’s house, then back to my own world early Monday morning.

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First semester went by and in second semester I finished with flying colours! I did well in my first year. I had my own time and space and I managed my time well and focused more on my studies. Because of my fairness and my height I was attractive to men but I really didn’t give them an opportunity to get friendly with me other than school talk and work. I had broad shoulders so even if I dressed simply with my old clothes I still managed to catch admiring glances from my male classmates. Three had the guts to ask me to a movie or date but I politely declined. I can’t explain my feeling but my thoughts were only of Mikaela. It was a pity we didn’t had the chance to see each other before starting our college life. When I couldn’t sleep at night I just pressed my ring very close to my heart to fill the gap of our distance. My Saturday and Sunday work never hindered me from doing well at school and the extra money my aunt gave me was welcomed as it gave me a chance to buy school supplies.

1980. I welcomed the summer of this year with mixed emotions. There were feelings of joy as I ended my first year with honours, and sadness as I had to go back home. Two months of staying at my aunt’s and that time there was a new born baby. After the first month of work in my aunt’s household I got sick from fatigue and heat that I had to return to grandma’s house. I was so happy to get sick! Finally, bed and rest for me.

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The second day at grandma’s I felt better. Grandma left me some food on the table. I took a quick bath then drank my medicine. When I got bored before midday, I packed some food and water and an old towel. I also put my pencils and papers in a small bag then headed to our private place. I had to walk slowly so as not to get tired.

Our secret hideaway never changed except that the trees were now taller and thick with leaves. I looked for the shadiest part and spread the old towel. I started drawing but I felt dizzy so I decided to lie down and nap.

I was woken by the sun on my face. I felt hot with fever again so I packed up and went home.

I was delirious that night and grandma was annoyed about missing work as she had to take me to the doctor early the next day. The doctor said that I had some sort of infection and that was the reason why the fever kept coming back. I was also advised to stay in a bed for a couple of days more and not to miss taking my antibiotic on time. I really didn’t mind being sick as the rest days were what I needed. Grandma bought me fruits and bottled juice before we went back home and left me alone as she really needed to go back to her business with only her assistant there.

It was nice to stay in bed in the middle of the day after sleeping most of the morning I felt better but was so hungry. I brushed my teeth and tongue to remove the

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bitter taste and enjoy my meal. It was a nice meal. I took with me upstairs to my room a glass of water. Upstairs had four tiny rooms and downstairs had two big rooms and my grandma occupied one. My tiny room was the second as the first was for my youngest aunt when she would come for a visit.

The wall of my room was decorated with my drawings I pasted to make it bright and lively. It had a hard wooden single bed and a tiny closet that looked so big with my few clothes. What I liked about my room was the big window that when opened allowed the sunlight to come in. It had no table so I had to write and draw on my bed with the help of my pillow placed on my lap.

When I entered my tiny room I was surprised to see Mikaela sitting Buddha-like on my bed. She had lost weight as shown by the hollow of her cheeks and the base of her neck, but it only made her more beautiful.

She had this sad look on her face. I stood at my bedroom door frozen. Recovering from the shock of seeing her there on my bed, I nervously closed my door and half of the window, then sat on the edge of my bed.

I wanted to give her a tight hug as I really missed her but stopped myself from doing so as I was afraid that she would not welcome it.

She sat there just looking at me and made me scared.

I could tell there was both sadness and anger in her eyes.

Mikaela broke our silence by asking me why I didn’t

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attend her graduation party. I couldn’t answer straight away as it was last year and I had forgotten about it until I remembered I went with my aunt to the doctor’s appointment for her child. Mikaela told me that she was supposed to give me her address and telephone number in Manila so we could stay in touch. I was dismayed after hearing it because that was what she hoped for before parting ways - to keep in constant communication with me. I apologized sincerely and started kissing her. I missed her terribly so I didn’t want to talk but just be in each other’s arms.

I didn’t bother asking her how she knew I was alone at the house, what mattered most was that we were together. We put the bed against the door to block it.

We left the window partially open for the fresh wind to come in, as the house was surrounded with big old trees. We feasted our eyes on our naked bodies, trying to remember every part. We spent the afternoon kissing and caressing and loving each other. We didn’t want to part ways but in an hour my grandma would be home.

Before she left she told me to get well and promised me she would be back early tomorrow immediately after my grandma left. I saw her to our back door and she disappeared among the trees in our backyard. Houses then were far from each other so there was no chance of anybody seeing Mikaela leaving the house. Grandma’s

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backyard had long stretches of trees leading to the foot of a mountain. When Mikaela left, I tidied my room and boiled a big pot of water so I could take a warm bath before sleeping. I felt really well that night and couldn’t wait for the next day.

Grandma came home with sweet ripe mangoes and a small tin of biscuits. She reminded me to get well soon so I could go back and help my aunt. Some extra money would help me buy new clothes and shoes for my second and last year of college. I thanked her for the mangoes and biscuits and went to bed early. I slept contented and with a smile on my face, still remembering our afternoon and the thought of the next day.

I woke up early the following day. There were fried eggs, bread rolls and a new box of powdered milk. With hot water from the thermos I made a glass of hot milk and ate my breakfast with slices of ripe mangoes. I washed the dishes, swept the floor and waited for Mikaela. True to her word she arrived about half an hour after my grandma left. She had with her a small bag. Hand in hand we climbed the stairs to my room. We put the bed again against the closed door then sat on the floor near the window. She opened her bag and gave me a hardbound book about two inches thick but when I opened the book it was with empty pages of white bond papers. On the first blank page Mikaela had writ-

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ten our names in big and colourful letters: MIKAELA and ALEXANDRA FOREVER. She told me to draw our story in that book, the places and the things that had connections to us. And when I finished the drawings, I needed to give back the book to her as my gift. I could feel that my eyes were starting to get misty but I held back my tears, I wanted us to enjoy that day. Inside the bag was a pack of fruity candies and a pack of imported chocolate. We chatted about our first year of school and what we did away from each other. Mikaela was studying political science.

Our love inspired her to study seriously so we could be together soon when we were old enough to look after ourselves. She was so absolute about our future together. She also promised me that when she got some time off from her study she would visit me and spend the weekend together. We couldn’t fix the date because of the demand of her studies and the distance.

We shared the candies and Mikaela told me jokes that made me laugh hard. When we had nothing more to talk about, she started stroking my face. I looked at her perfect face and tried to imprint it on my mind. What happened next in my tiny room was so private that only Mikaela and I knew. It is a memory that will forever be ours to share.

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When she left, I started to feel the sadness and emptiness. I knew and she knew that we never knew when we would see each other again.

The next day, I went to my aunt’s house to help. I worked with zest for the money and I needed to keep myself busy to take my thoughts away from Mikaela as the memories in my room were too much for me to bear.

The summer of 1980 was gone and I was back at college. It was my second and last year. I aimed to finish the course with high marks so I could land a job easily.

That was my plan, so I really focused on my studies.

I did not want to stay in our small town anymore and be forever helping my aunt. It was my simple ambition but I really needed to do my best.

I sent Mikaela a birthday card that year as it was her 17th birthday. On the card I wrote: GORGEOUS BIRTHDAY GIRL, WISH YOU WERE WITH ME TO SPEND YOUR SPECIAL DAY!!! TIGHT HUGS, ALEXA. That year was truly inspiring as we always exchanged letters. Sometimes I would receive telegrams with, I LOVE YOU or I MISS YOU! She would also send me pictures of her making funny faces and that always lightened my days. That was how she expressed her love and sweetness to me. She was so sensitive that she never forgot and would do anything to make me happy.

I felt her honesty and the depth of her love for me that

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sometimes I felt guilty wondering if she felt mine too.

I achieved better results in my grades than my first year because of our constant communications. We missed each other’s presence but the coming of letters always reminded us of our love for each other.

A letter from her came in September 1980 saying that she could manage a two to three day visit next month.

She could not exactly say the date or if it would be fine with me too. I replied back writing that it is fine with me as I had perfect attendance at school and three days wouldn’t harm my performance.

October came and every day I kept waiting for her.

In the middle of October on a Thursday morning, my landlady knocked to tell me that there was somebody downstairs who wanted to see me. I followed her and down in the small receiving area was Mikaela. She had a huge backpack and told me to pack some clothes.

I had no idea how many days we would be out so I packed five pairs of undies, three pairs of shorts, a pair of faded black jeans, five t-shirts and my toiletries.

I put on my canvas shoes, locked my room and joined her downstairs. Luckily the landlady was not there so I was spared from lying.

We took a public jeepney going to the bus terminal.

Mikaela was guiding me all the way so I thought she had planned where we were going. It was a bumpy four hour drive in a bus but when we reached the place it

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was breathtaking. It was a beach resort with light brown and fine sands and there were long rows of small but uniform cottages. Mikaela introduced us and talked to the owner. The owner was a friend of her father’s from a long time ago. Mikaela said we were classmates and were there to study. She was given a key to one of the cottages. Inside it was clean. There was a bamboo double sized bed and a small table with two chairs. The window was big and screened.

Mikaela unpacked her backpack and took out a rolled mattress. She laid it on the bed and put her clothes on top, a towel and two thin bed sheets. Inside the bag were also bread, canned goods, a small jar of peanut butter, disposable glasses, spoons, forks and plates.

I placed the food neatly on the small table. After everything was in place she took off her shoes and lay down on the bed. I could sense that she was so tired from the trip. I was tired too but Mikaela was travelling for maybe 12-15 hours already and I felt sorry for her.

I asked if she would like to eat first. She shook her head so I lay down beside her and rested too. Out of tiredness, we slept.

We woke up about eight that night. The cottage was dark. She reached out for her flashlight and on a small cupboard at the back of the door were candles and matches. The sea was calm, no breaking waves.

I peeked outside and saw a group of middle aged couples

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gathered around a fire. One was playing the guitar and the rest were singing folks songs. I spread peanut butter on the bread and handed some to Mikaela. After finishing two loaves she took a bottle out of her backpack and opened it with a pop. It was sparkling wine she said so not bitter tasting. She poured in two disposable glasses and we drank in silence. We drank about half of the bottle and I felt so light.

We went for a walk. Mikaela walked ahead of me and because of the wine I walked slowly afraid that I might fall. When we reached the end of the beach we walked back. It was starting to rain lightly. We went back to the cottage and gathered our toiletries. There was no electricity in that place so we used her flashlight to find the way to the bathrooms. There were drums of clean water in there. There were cubicles for taking a bath and separate toilets. We bathed and brushed our teeth.

Back inside our cottage the light rain was now accompanied by winds and after a while the wind was stronger as if it would destroy the palm leafed roofing of the cottage. I started to feel chilly too but didn’t bring any warm clothes. Mikaela had two. They were identical hoodies, same size but she gave me the red and hers was the dark green. She said I looked beautiful in red with my fair skin. I felt my cheeks blush with her compliment.

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We sat in awkward silence, listening to the howling wind and heavy rain outside. I started the conversation by saying how thankful I was to her for making the effort to see me and finished it by saying I missed her so much. Another awkward silence but I could see she was smiling. Then she extended her hand to me and I joined her on the bed. We simply sat close to each other. She put my head on her lap and gently stroked my long hair.

I kept it long for her; she liked it reaching my mid back so I always kept it that long.

I felt so secure and comfortable by Mikaela’s side. Her gentle stroking of my hair made me feel sensual so that I was the one who first undressed. I was hot inside and I became daring kissing her first. I badly missed my Mikaela and I didn’t want to waste any moment of our time together. I started kissing her slowly but then Mikaela reciprocated with passion and intensity. Our long time of separation made us want each other badly.

We missed the feel of each other. We made love all through the night and we only stopped when we were both weary but still locked in one embrace.

It was wonderful and neither one of us cared if what we were doing was sinful. Our love defied all the rules and what we felt for one another was all that mattered. We stayed awake the whole night. When the rain stopped we went out and sat on the beach facing the ocean. We waited for the sun to come up and when it started to

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show itself it was beautiful. The water was calm after the rain and sky was clear promising us a bright day ahead.

When the sun was up, we headed to the small variety store and bought two cups of hot coffee. After we had our breakfast, we went back to the beach and walked at the far end where there were fishermen with their fresh catch. Mikaela bought four big still alive fish. Back at our cottage we made a small fire outside and grilled the fish, the smell was mouth watering.

The day was starting to get hot and the sea was sparkling under the morning sun. After cooking our fish, Mikaela got two swimsuits from her bag. Again they were identical except for the colour. We were of the same build. She handed me the dark violet one and hers was black. We were both stunning in our swimsuits. I tied my hair with a rubber band; I didn’t want it on my face especially when it was wet. We were both good looking ladies and when we went out we got stares from passers-by. People in that area were not used to seeing ladies in swimsuits so we were almost naked to them.

We swam, we laughed, we played and had fun. We were in the water most of the morning. We only came out when the sun became unbearable and we were both heavily tanned. We took a cold bath in the rest rooms and changed into clean dry clothes. We both smelled nice. Mikaela gave me a big bottle of imported cologne,

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but she teased me saying not to use it at school otherwise men wouldn’t be able to resist kissing me. I just laughed at the idea but I saw the frown on her face and I knew that she was jealous of the idea.

We had our lunch, eating our fish and steamed rice from the store. We also had freshly sliced tomato with fish sauce to match the fish. We were so hungry that Mikaela bought another plate of rice.

After eating, we couldn’t move because we ate too much. There was a long bamboo bench outside our cottage and a wooden table too, that’s where we ate.

We just sat there looking at the water. I felt sleepy after the fun and the food but I didn’t want to sleep, time was too precious for me to spend it sleeping. Mikaela asked me if I was happy. I answered that I was very happy and I did not want it to end.

Sunset came and it was breathtaking. Sunset has its own beauty, to some it may symbolizes the end but to me, it’s the time to remind us that after the weariness of the day, there is the time to rest and recharge our body and mind for a new tomorrow. If sunrise signifies hope then sunset for me is serenity.

We made long passionate love that night but because of tiredness we slept locked in each other’s arms.

The next day we were woken up by the alarm on Mikaela’s wristwatch. After brushing our teeth and

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a fresh bath we cleared the cottage of our stuff and threw away the rubbish. Mikaela paid the owner and handed back the key and we hurried to the bus terminal. We needed to catch the first bus back to the town and if we missed it we would have to catch the next one which was after lunch. On the bus ride we enjoyed the scenery holding each other’s hand throughout the bumpy ride. I noticed that people looked at us like we were freaks.

When we were in the town, we ate stir fried noodles and steamed buns in a restaurant. It was Saturday so there were many people out already. Mikaela didn’t take me to my boarding house but checked us into a small but clean hotel.

We slept the whole afternoon. The hotel room was dark when I woke up. I slowly moved out of Mikaela’s arm and took a long shower. Halfway through Mikaela joined me and we played with soap and water. We were like two young people having fun in the shower.

Mikaela said we should go out so I put on my old black jeans and slim fit old red t-shirt while she wore an old pair of shorts and a red t-shirt too but hers was redder.

We both wore a pair of canvas shoes, mine were black and hers were off white. I was about to tie my hair when she said leave it hanging. I just secured the front of my hair with a hairpin as I really didn’t want my hair on my face especially on my forehead.

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When I was done, she looked at me with admiration.

She was perfect herself, her very short hair emphasized her perfect face. She was so womanly while I looked girly. I kept telling myself we were both pleasing to look at. She didn’t like my shirt she said, too small as my breasts were bigger than hers and the t-shirt was making them more attractive. I said that it was not small but the right size for me and that it was my last clean one.

I knew she was annoyed but didn’t pursue the matter.

Instead she held my hand and we started walking to the town centre.

It was night time and young lovers and couples were out walking too. Mikaela became so possessive that she put her arm on my shoulder while we walked. Mikaela lead me to a building and after climbing the stairs we were in a disco pub. There were only a few young people there as it was still early. Mikaela seated us at a table for two but put the chairs together so we sat close. She ordered five bottles of beer and asked me if I would like a sandwich. I was not hungry so we ordered spring rolls instead to go with the beer. It was the first time I had tasted beer but I didn’t want to spoil our night so drank my first bottle in two gulps as I didn’t like the taste.

Mikaela was looking at me smiling. “You don’t drink beer like a soft drink!” The music was blaring with songs of the early 80’s. Mikaela sang with the music, she had very clear, loud, melodic voice. I was on my third bottle

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and Mikaela ordered more beers. I was getting drunk I thought. It was like the room was spinning and I was so light I felt that I could fly.

The dance floor was starting to fill with people our age some were a bit older. I was losing my inhibitions so I led Mikaela to dance. She continued singing while we moved to the center. I danced sexily to the music trying to tease her because her dancing was so bad that I was laughing at her. It was my first time dancing but I just swayed my body and head to the music while Mikaela was moving her arms and legs but her body was stiff. That made me laugh and I continued with my dancing and teasing. When slow music was played, Mikaela pulled me close to her and put my arms around her neck. We were so close that I knew we were being looked at.

I put my head on her shoulder, I felt sick after the dancing. Before the slow music ended I excused myself and ran to the restroom. There I vomited till my stomach was empty. Mikaela followed me and when I looked at her she laughed at my face and I turned to the mirror.

My face was deathly pale and there was some vomit on my hair! I washed my face and hair and tied it.

When we were back at the table, she ordered coffee for me and excused herself. My gaze followed her and I saw her talking to an older man and they went out. After about twenty minutes she was back. Her eyes were red

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and misty. I wanted to ask her where she went but didn’t.

This time she ordered a bottle of wine, she said it was fine for me to drink it would not make me sick. After one full glass I started to feel different again but not sick. We were back on the dance floor and by that time it was full. We danced and sang. Then two guys asked us if they could dance with us. I didn’t say anything.

I let Mikaela speak for us and she said politely, “No thank you very much.” Mikaela was wild and louder this time, she was singing loudly! She got looks but nobody tried to stop her. Her singing voice was really good that the others were not affected. Everyone was having fun.

It was about 2:00 in the morning when she said we should leave. The disco was still full and it would close after one and a half hours.

At the hotel, I still felt drunk and continued teasing her with my dance moves. We didn’t sleep but made love.

It was our last so we made it unforgettable and memorable for us. When we were both tired we sat on the bed with her arm on my back and we sat very close.

Mikaela said, “My mum is already planning my 18th birthday. She said it will be grand and traditional with 18 roses and all those crazy ideas of hers.” I smiled at the thought and asked her, “What colour gown are you wearing, don’t tell me its pink?!!!” Mikaela replied, “What about you kiss my ass!”

I asked her, “Did you wash it?”

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Mikaela asked, “Wash what???? Then I laughed loudly and said, “You said, kiss your ass! So I asked you if you washed it.”

Mikaela threw back, “Smart ass!!! Honestly if mum will force that idea on me she’ll regret it. I will disappear on my birthday and all her preparations will be wasted.

She even talked to the mayor about his son being my escort for the night!!!”

I asked her, “Am I invited?” Mikaela said, “No, because there will be no such debutante party for me. But you know what I look forward to on my 18th is that my father promised me as my birthday gift from him, he will buy me a car! I know how to drive already and when I have the car, I can come to you every weekend!”

I was happy for her, and it was heartwarming to be included in her plans. We were silent for a while though not sleepy at all. She led me out of the bed and took the linen and wrapped it around us while we stood there. She held me with her arms on my back and I put my arms around her neck. We danced in slow motion holding each other tightly inside the sheet. She started singing and I hummed silently as I didn’t know the words.

Life is a moment in space When the dream is gone It’s a lonelier place……. We both hummed it softly like a lullaby as we weren’t familiar

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with the lines of the song. Then we sang the chorus loudly especially on the line that said…it’s a right, I defend………………

She finished the song and our tears were flowing freely down our faces. I felt so sad that in a few hours we would part ways. There was no time set for when we would see each other again.

We checked out early from the hotel and we walked to the bus terminal. She bought her ticket to Manila and we seated ourselves in the waiting area as her bus to Manila was departing after 45 minutes. We sat still holding each other’s hands.

“I might not see you for quite some time. Me and my family will go to America this coming December. I don’t want to go but my grandma is very sick and my mum would like to be with her. I negotiated with them that if I go, they will let me spend summer in our hometown.

I will have the house to myself come the month of May. It would be wonderful if you and me could stay there together.”

The whole time Mikaela was speaking, tears were flowing down my cheeks. I could sense that she was holding her tears too as she talked with sadness in her voice. In my mind I counted the months that we would be away from one another- six months but for me it would be like 6 years.

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When it was time for her to board her bus, I let go of her hand and we embraced so tightly. I didn’t leave the bus station until the bus was out of my sight. I started walking with heavy feet. I should have caught the tricycle to go to my boarding house because Mikaela left me her big backpack with all her stuff in there. She only took a canvas shoulder bag with her back to Manila.

Back at my boarding house my landlady was waiting for me. She told me that grandma telephoned her asking why I didn’t go home this weekend. I lied by saying I was doing a group research with my classmates and Mikaela was the group leader. I excused myself and went to my room. I quickly took a bath and sat on my bed. On my lap was the bound book given to me by Mikaela. It was already half full. On the next empty page I drew all the events and places we went. On one page I drew the waterfront, then on another the rows of cottages. One page was for the disco pub, dark but with the shadows of dancing people and just the colours of the disco lights. I also drew the back of us facing the ocean watching the sunset and lastly I drew us wrapped in the sheet in the darkness of the hotel room standing near the bed locked in each other’s arms. I finished all five pages before midnight. It was fulfilling and at the same time sorrowful.

2013. Andrew has been a wonderful husband. He never yells; he is always calm even when he is annoyed

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or angry. To him it’s a great waste of his energy if he gets mad. His energy should be devoted to something productive he says. He has treated me well. There has never really been any reason for us to fight as I am meek and submissive. I love my kids dearly. I disciplined them but also gave them freedom so as not to make them rebellious or wild. My kids’ friends are products of divorced parents and with that they are happy and contented with us. I taught them the value of charity and compassion.

My eldest, Georgina, is a pediatrician. She loves children but doesn’t want one of her own. She is in a relationship with a cardiologist at the moment and they are happy but do not want to get married yet. My son, George is still at uni. He wants to study in France. My husband agrees but only after he finishes his bachelor degree here in Sydney. His artwork is excellent and even when he was young his work was shown on exhibit. I draw well but he draws better. My daughter already owns a one bedroom unit in North Sydney but every Saturday night she spends at our house having dinner and catching up with us.

My sweet Georgina always sends me SMS messages every night though. My son is a carefree guy. He has already had four girlfriends before the present one he is dating. His friends encourage him to move out from home but he says he will when he is twenty-one. He

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is lazy but with his art he is passionate that he never wants anybody or anything to get on his way.

I have more time for myself now. Unknown to my family, I am making plans as to what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want a place of my own and I want to be alone. I will start drawing again. I will be content to sit close to Mikaela and draw, watch the sunrise and sunset with all the sweet memories of my past. It will be enough for me to live on and wait for my time to join my beautiful Mikaela.

1981 March. I graduated from my two year secretarial course with honours. I was alone on my graduation.

My grandma as always was busy with her business. My male steno teacher, who always gazed at me during classes, congratulated me and said he would give me a good referral and help me secure a job too. I thanked him and I said I would see him when my credentials were ready. I had a lot of invitations especially from my male classmates to celebrate our graduation but I declined them all.

After changing into pants and a shirt, I went to the long distance centre and called Mikaela’s home in Manila.

The phone kept on ringing but nobody answered. After many attempts I gave up. I treated myself to a good dinner in a restaurant. I spend 20 pesos! It was my entire two days budget for food. I walked around the town plaza and park feeling sad and empty. I missed Mikaela

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so much. While I walked I made plans for myself. I didn’t want to go back to our hometown; here in this busy town I found my own world. My aunt didn’t bother me to help her as she had a permanent housemaid now.

My grades were excellent and most of my teachers were happy to give me excellent referrals too. I stood five feet and three inches on my barefoot. My body structure was not fat or skinny plus my broad shoulders made me carry myself presentably. If I added some colour to my face, I would have been very pleasing to look at. Those were my advantages that boosted my confidence that I would find a job soon. I would start tomorrow carrying out my aim. That night I felt hopeful and this inspired me to draw in Mikaela’s book a variety of colourful flowers forming the infinity symbol and inside the circles I wrote my name and Mikaela’s on the other.

The next day I started to write my resume and an application letter. I wrote it with my neat handwriting as I had no typewriter to use. During those times, handwritten had more value than typewritten when submitting an application. I was busy preparing my papers when my landlady knocked and gave me a huge bouquet of different coloured roses. It was specially delivered she told me.

On the small card attached to the ribbon was a typewritten note that said: WITH CONGRATULATIONS AND LOVE, M. It was so beautiful and scented! My small room smelled nice from the flowers. I forgot what I was doing before that so I put the flowers on my tiny bed

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and drew them in Mikaela’s book. The flowers may die but I captured them in my drawings and that will last our lifetime. I wrote a message at the bottom of my drawing, WITH MY LOVE AND APPRECIATION, A. The next day I started early. It is a must that a secretary should be well groomed and pleasing. I dressed carefully but I didn’t have much to choose from. I put on a light brown pencil cut skirt and a maroonish-coloured business shirt. One of our subjects was how to apply makeup. I didn’t own any except for a lipstick my youngest aunt gave me the Christmas before. It was bright red, so I used it to colour my eyelids and my lips. I applied it very lightly on my eyelids and a bit darker on my lips then combed and tied my long hair at my back. I was pleased with the result. I had only black flat shoes and a back shoulder bag to finish my outfit.

Placing all my credentials in the envelopes, I started to walk to the town centre where the offices were. That day I used my ring too hoping that it would bring me good luck. I approached five offices and two gave me the chance of an interview with the boss. They said that they would contact me if I was successful. Altogether it was a fruitful day for me.

Before going back to my boarding house, I bought a strong tiny yarn. I used it as a necklace for my ring.

I thought that I would like to wear it all the time, not on my fingers but close to my heart. It looked pretty on

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my chest, black yarn and the gold ring on my fair skin.

I swore that from that day on I would never take off the ring unless I had to change the yarn. If I was lucky I could buy a gold chain for it. I also looked at some boarding houses. I wanted to live in a place without the watchful eyes of anybody.

I found a couple of boarding houses and happy with my day, I slept that night with a smile and a mind full of hope. Another thing to smile about too was that the next day was April and then May, we would be together.

A week passed after graduation. I received a long distance call from grandma saying that if I was not doing anything important I need to go home as it was a waste to pay the boarding house when she had a big empty house and also I could help her in the store. I panicked!

I desperately needed a job soon so I could continue to live on my own. I gathered my thoughts, I told myself to apply for any job while waiting for my applications result. I wrote more resumes and application letters, more applications meant more chances of being hired.

For two consecutive days, I submitted applications to all the offices available. Out of desperation too, I went back to my male teacher who offered to help me. We talked at the school canteen over cold soft drinks and a sandwich. He gave me the address and the name of his lawyer best friend. I wasted no time. After seeing my teacher I immediately looked for the address of

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that law office and handed my application with a letter of recommendation from my teacher. Lucky enough the lawyer was there to personally accept my application and interview me too. He was good looking but the pictures on his bookshelf showed that he was married with two sons. He asked me if I had a boyfriend.

I didn’t answer straight away, surprised by his question. Before I could give him an answer, he said that a boyfriend could pose a problem with my work as there were some nights that I would have to work. I assured him that there would be no worries on that matter.

He hired me on the spot out of the recommendation although what he needed at the time was someone with experience because his current secretary would be giving birth sometime this month. I would be on trial for two weeks with pay and if he found me good enough then I would have the job plus the wage matching the pay his secretary was receiving.

I was walking on air when I went out of the office.

I bought myself some new clothes and made a long distance call to my aunt to ask if she could tell grandma that I couldn’t come home because of a job that would start the next week.

My landlady greeted me with two letters. They were both from Mikaela. One was delayed, (usual occurrence with Philippine Post) and a recent one. I read the older one first:

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Feb. 22, 1981 Dearest Alexa, My sincerest congratulations on your coming graduation. It is your first step towards your full independence. I would like to be there for you to share your glorious moment but it’s also the time of the year when I’m so busy studying for the exams and completing all the requirements.

Second year for me was tough and can’t wait for it to finish. I’m sad to tell you the news that my father is very sick and the doctor said its terminal.

He wants me to be with him in our hometown.

We will all be going home once I finish with all my school obligations. I miss you so much and the thought of you keeps me inspired to do my best at school. I can’t wait for the day that we will be together every day. With love and thoughts, Mikaela.

In the latest one she wrote: March 20, 1981 Dearest Alexa, I’m studying for my last exam now but couldn’t focus as my mind only thinks of you. Hope to see you soon. Take care. Love M. I took a deep breath. I could tell that Mikaela was tired and sad about what she was suffering at that moment the demand of her studies plus the serious condition of her father. I knew that our plan to be together this

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coming month would not be possible but I was relieved too because with my new work coming up, it was not possible. I had to remember what the boss told me at the interview, if I could work without unnecessary disturbance.

I replied to her letters, but saw to it that it would be friendly as I would address it to our hometown. Discretion was essential for our relationship to continue.

Hi Mikaela, how are you? Hope you did well in your second year at school. I will be working starting next week as a secretary to a married lawyer.

Hope we can catch up when I have the opportunity to spend my weekend at grandma’s.

By the way I am moving out too, I found this boarding house close to work and hopefully there’s a vacancy for me. Yours, A. I posted the letter and went to the boarding house where I enquired before. It was summer and there were plenty of vacant rooms. It was about twenty minutes walk to my new work. It was neat and tidy, a new building but twenty pesos more than the rent of my old one. With the last of my money I paid two weeks rent and I could move on Sunday. After the rent and my new clothes I hardly had money for food. It didn’t bother me as I was starting to enjoy my newfound freedom. I would eat biscuits and water for the next two weeks.

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With the packing and cleaning of my old place, I didn’t notice the passing of time. My limited personal things allowed me to change places without any difficulty. My landlady was asking me for my new address but I kept on delaying because I didn’t want to tell her. My new place was quiet at this time as there were only a few boarders doing summer classes. My room was smaller than the first one. I had a small table without chairs and a tiny bed. There was also a small wardrobe but big enough for my few clothes, three pairs of shoes, one black shoulder bag and a canvas messenger bag.

Mikaela’s big backpack I had to put under my bed.

The building had twenty rooms, three bathrooms with toilets inside, a common kitchen where there were pots and pans for all to use but each one had to provide his/ her own stove. I was starting to live my dream of being on my own and I felt hopeful and optimistic.

My first week of work was difficult. The woman I was to replace didn’t seem happy with me but she showed and taught me everything nevertheless. The first three days were chaotic so that when I went home I was dead tired. By Thursday I was starting to cope and Friday, the pregnant woman went home early from the discomfort she was feeling since morning so I was on my own for the rest of the day. I did well I hoped but I was so tired.

Thirty minutes before going home, I was typing the shorthand I did this morning when the boss came out

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of the office and told me that I needed to accompany him to a dinner with a client. He said I could stay and rest at the office till 6pm as the restaurant was in next building. If I came earlier I should just ask for the table reserved for them. After saying this he went out. I was so tired already but a good meal was welcomed. I had only thirty pesos in my wallet and I needed to stretch it till next weekend after my very first pay.

When I finished all my typing, I tidied the office and cleared my desk. I still had thirty minutes to make myself presentable. I was wearing my red business shirt and a beige A-line skirt the length of which was a bit above my knee. I tucked in my shirt nicely and combed my hair out of my face and secured it with a black rubber band at my back. It was very long and I needed to trim it this weekend I reminded myself. I powdered my face and applied lipstick on my lips. I sprayed some of Mikaela’s cologne behind my ears. Satisfied with what I saw in the mirror, I locked the office and walked to the restaurant.

I was five minutes early so I had time to observe my surroundings. It was fancy with a gold colour motif. I felt a bit nervous but touched Mikaela’s ring on my neck to comfort me. The ring was so attractive on my fair skin and highlighted by my red shirt, I was so proud to wear it. I missed her so much and if she could see me now, she would be very proud of my new life and what I had achieved.

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My boss arrived and gave me a wink and smile. We waited for the client and my boss ordered me an iced tea and a cold beer for him. My boss started reading some documents from his briefcase. I kept on glancing at the door trying to see if a person is coming towards our table. The second time I looked, I saw Mikaela! It was unexpected and I froze. Our eyes met and hers looked to my boss who was seated next to me. I could read her face - she was angry but I managed to smile at her only she didn’t smile back. She was with her mother and another woman younger than her mum.

When they were seated far from us, a distinguished looking man followed by two armed men, approached us.

The armed men seated themselves at a different table while the other was the boss’ client who was introduced to me and we shook hands. He was a mayor of a developing municipality from what I heard. They ordered and we had our sumptuous dinner. I couldn’t enjoy my meal as I sensed the intensity of Mikaela’s presence. So much food but we only managed to eat a quarter.

Over the bottles of beer on our table my boss and the mayor talked officially and I needed to write everything on my steno pad. I felt self-conscious as the mayor looked at me all the time he was talking. From what I gathered from their conversation, my boss would defend the mayor for having sex with a minor. And the way he looked at me made me scared. As I was

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keeping up with my shorthand, I couldn’t turn my eyes to Mikaela’s table. I was too engrossed and I didn’t want to miss anything until finally the mayor said he had another appointment.

We all stood and shook hands and said our goodbyes.

The boss thanked me for the night and paid the bill. He asked me if I would like to take home some of the food but my pride made me decline though I really would have liked to. I also said no to his offer to drive me home as I told him it was close and the walk would help me digest the big dinner. He and I walked out of the restaurant and before my boss said his goodbye he handed me a 50 peso note to treat myself to the cinema this weekend.

I didn’t want to accept but my boss said it was my overtime pay as it would not be on my pay. I thanked him for his generosity and started walking towards the plaza.

I was only about a hundred metres away from the restaurant when Mikaela appeared beside me. We sat on an empty bench in the plaza facing the entrance of the restaurant. Neither one of us spoke for a while until Mikaela saw her mum and the woman walking out of the restaurant and heading towards us. Mikaela hurriedly told me to meet her on this spot tomorrow early at 6am. I nodded and added, “I MISS YOU!” And that was the time she looked at me with tenderness.

Her mum shouted her name when they were about 10 metres away. Mikaela and I stood to greet them.

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Mikaela introduced me as her classmate from grade school to high school. Her mum eyed me and kissed me on my cheek and said, “Mikaela darling, I’m sorry to cut your catching up short but we really need to go as papa is very sick and we need to be with him all the time. Nice meeting you Alexandra.” And they were gone. I couldn’t sleep that night. I was so excited to see Mikaela again.

On Saturday the next day, I woke up and decided to walk early to breathe fresh air on my walk to our meeting place. It was about a twenty-five minute walk from my place to the plaza. I was wearing very old shorts and a white t-shirt. It was going to be a hot day so I just wore rubber slippers. With my black shoulder bag for my wallet and keys I made my way to the plaza. It was still early but street vendors were already lining up the street sides. Not much traffic too as it was the weekend.

The air was still fresh and I felt light and happy as I waited for her on the bench we were sitting on last night. She came from my behind so I didn’t see her arrive. She kissed the back of my neck to make her presence known. We didn’t hug but she took my hand and hailed a tricycle. We got off on a quiet street and she checked us into a hotel, different from our last one.

She also ordered breakfast to be delivered in our room.

We ate our pancakes and hot chocolate drinks. We talked about what happened to us since the last time

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we saw each other. Mikaela was sad when she told me about her father. I held her hands while she talked trying to share her sadness. She was closer to her father than her mother. Her parents were both very rich. Her dad was the owner of a lot of land in our hometown producing rice and coconuts. He owned a lot of cattle too. Her mum had fifty percent Spanish blood in her.

She was very beautiful and very white skinned while her dad was the typical tanned and short Filipino man.

That’s why Mikaela was so beautiful, she got her face and height from her mom and her skin colour was the perfect tan. Mikaela told me that her dad might die at anytime so she wanted to spend more time with him but she would come and visit me on the weekends she promised. It was hard for us to meet and be discreet in our hometown so it was better for us to meet here.

We showered and made love with hunger. We missed each other terribly that we didn’t want to waste any moment we had together. We were locked in each other’s arms the whole day until it was the time for us to part ways again. She needed to catch the evening train back to our hometown. I walked with her to the train station and we waited together. Mikaela said to me not to go home to visit my grandma as she would come to me all the weekends of May before she started school in June. I was happy with our arrangements.

She asked me for my new address and the office where I worked. She also reminded me to be careful with men

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especially from the client, the mayor. She was disgusted by the way he kept looking at me. She even told me not to wear low neckline shirts as it made men look.

Mikaela gave me a 100 peso note. She said I was losing weight, I needed to eat more. We sat not holding as some people from our town were also catching the train. When the train arrived she just gave me a quick hug and boarded the train. Our eyes were locked until she was out of my sight.

I was happy though very tired. I went grocery shopping for food and fruit before finally going back to my boarding house. I spent my last 30 pesos and kept Mikaela’s 100 and the 50 pesos my boss gave me.

2013. Thanks to modern technology I am able to buy a small house and lot in the town where I worked and studied. I read online that it is now a small city with universities and shopping malls and even a domestic airport too. The house is a single level 3 bedroom house in a secured subdivision. I told my husband anytime he wants to join me he is welcome but in my mind I’m hoping he doesn’t. The computer helped me a lot in getting information without the need to contact people I knew before. Our hometown is already reachable by car - it’s an hour drive from the house I bought. What I will do when I’m there is to start drawing again and be close to Mikaela’s memory, our memories.

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The truth is I am full of anxiety. I do not want the town too remember us. The scandal I created many years ago was enough for me not to set foot there again. But there is nothing in this world that I would like to do except to be there and be with her to my last breath.

I need to do this; I owe it to her and to myself.

1981. May. I was into my second week of work and it was going well. That week I would receive my first fortnightly pay. I was very excited and planned to shop for more clothes. Grooming was essential and what I had were presentable but not enough. I needed a new pair of shoes maybe with heels I thought and a new shoulder bag. I was working enthusiastically especially after my weekend with Mikaela and the thought of spending more weekends with her. Before I left for work Friday, I received a phone call from Mikaela. I could tell by her voice that she was sad. She told me that she couldn’t see me that weekend because her father’s condition was worsening. I told her not to mind about me and to be with her father. I received my pay and boss wished me a nice weekend.

On Saturday, I spent the whole day shopping. I didn’t buy high heeled shoes but just an inch high, high heels would slow me down. I also bought a new pair of straight cut jeans, not too cheap but the material was soft unlike the cheap jeans which are rough on the skin.

Since I had four earth-toned skirts already, I did not

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buy anymore. I completed my shopping with two new blouses, black and royal blue. I also changed the yarn of my necklace to a black leather string and put it back on my neck but this time shorter, half an inch from the base of my neck. There would be less attention now on my cleavage. Sunday morning I telephoned my aunt to let grandma know I was fine but had no time to visit as I was still learning my new job. I lied.

The next week at work was already easy for me. I organized everything in such a way that will make me work efficiently. I wanted to impress the boss so he could see his choosing me over an experienced secretary was good. We had another dinner in the middle of the week with a different client and this time it was a woman. My boss brought his wife as well and it was the night I was introduced to the wife. His wife was a nurse and a very busy one. I was wearing my new black blouse and a white straight cut skirt. The skirt was my shortest and it emphasized my long nicely shaped legs. The boss’ wife was average looking but very sweet and friendly.

The client on the other hand was so attractive. She was taller than me because of her high heels. She wore black tight jeans and a black tube top with a white blazer over it. She was fashionable and smelled of expensive perfume. Her fingernails were long and red. The client didn’t eat but smoked throughout the night. The talk was long and my fingers were tired from the long shorthand I did.

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When it was all over, the wife insisted that they should drive me home as it was almost midnight and not safe for young girls like me to walk alone. I liked the wife, she was warm and genuinely sweet to me, and I was touched by her concern. The boss was so loving to his wife, you could sense that they were happy together.

I thanked them for the lift and the dinner.

When in bed I couldn’t sleep so I drew the base of my neck with Mikaela’s ring as my necklace. The ring on my neck inspired me to draw more and it was almost morning when I finished all the pages. I was happy with the results. I drew objects that had connections with us and coloured them beautifully to make them vivid.

Finally our book was done and I couldn’t wait to show it to my Mikaela, she would treasure it. I never gave her anything tangible except for my love and commitment to her and this work of mine would be the symbol of my love for her, my sweat, my time my talent that she treasured too.

Friday of that week, I received a phone call five minutes before my work was to start. It was Mikaela, her voice was heavy.

“Hi, my father died last night. It was quick and he didn’t suffer at all. He died while I was at his side napping. I don’t have any more tears left, I cried them all.

Funeral will be next Saturday. Hope you can come and be with me.”

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I comforted her and told her that my thoughts were with her. I assured her I would be there for the funeral.

I felt so helpless when I hung up. I wanted to rush to her side to share her grief but that was out of the question.

Discretion played a very important role in our relationship, that’s the reason why it lasted. My boss noticed my sadness and asked me about it so I lied and told him that my uncle died. He said if there was a need for me to take leave it was fine with him. I said there was no need because I would just go home Friday night to attend Saturday’s funeral.

That weekend I stayed at the boarding house. While on my bed, I thought of our relationship. Would it workout as Mikaela planned? I was not thinking of what people might say but our family. Would they accept it resignedly or create a huge drama by means of cursing and disowning us? My grandma was very religious. She never missed a day without attending the mass and accepting Holy Communion. What would she do when she found out? What about Mikaela’s mother? Was it important to Mikaela to win her approval? What was important to me was Mikaela and I didn’t care if my grandma would throw me away. I could manage now and in October it would be my 18th birthday and I would officially be an adult. It was Mikaela I was concerned about if she was willing to give up everything for me, for our love. Those thoughts and questions were on my mind until finally sleep came.

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Back at work, I kept myself very busy. I cleaned the boss’ office when he went out. I didn’t notice the passing of days. On Thursday, our client the mayor dropped by to talk to the boss. He handed me a big bouquet of different coloured daisies. I thanked him and led him to the boss’ office and put the flowers in a vase to brighten our waiting room. His two body guards seated themselves. They were trying to talk to me and be flirtatious but I didn’t pay any notice. I just nodded or shook my head to answer their trivial questions and continued to do my office work. I gave a sigh of relief when they were gone.

Friday came. I packed my things into my old messenger bag and carried it with me to the office as I would go straight to the train station after work. I finished all my work before 4pm and the boss came out of the office to hand me my pay in an envelope and also took another 50 peso note from his wallet to buy flowers or candles for my uncle. I felt so lucky having a boss like him. I had no time to change so after locking the office, I went to the store to buy one expensive scented candle. Then I hailed a tricycle to take me to the station. My bag was heavy because of the drawing book I always carried wherever I went.

At the station, I saw some familiar faces. I smiled at them but seated myself in the middle of unknown people. I would rather sit with strangers than with gossips

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with their endless questions. I was thinking that when I come back the next week I will open a savings account and start saving for our future. I paid advance rent already last pay so I had all the money now for myself.

I would not shop anymore; I had enough for my work.

The thought of opening a bank account made me more hopeful of the bright future ahead.

My grandma was getting ready to pray when I arrived.

Her face lit up with pride when she saw me still dressed up from work. I gave her two apples and two oranges I bought at the station. These fruits we only ate at Christmas and New Year. We talked for a while and she told me before retiring for bed, “It’s good you are here. You can attend Don Sebastian’s funeral instead of me. There will be a delivery of coconuts and coal tomorrow so I can personally receive it. There will be a mass at 8:00 am and the funeral after. Everyone is also invited for lunch at their house. Have you eaten?”

I replied I had bread on the train and was still full so I said my goodnight and retired to my room.

Grandma was not aware that I was really there for the funeral. I missed my room. I had sweet memories of us there that I will never forget. I slept with the excitement of seeing my Mikaela the next day.

The day of Mikaela’s father’s funeral was a typical hot day, although summer was almost over. Two more days and it would be June, start of the rainy season.

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Grandma left me two big loaves of bread and peanut butter on the table. I ate, brushed my teeth and took a bath. I left early about 6:30. I wanted to visit my father’s church murals before the people arrived. The early morning mass ended forty-five minutes ago so the church was almost empty except for three old ladies saying the novena. I looked at my father’s painting and talked to him in silence. I never prayed but talked with my dad. I placed the candle on a table near the altar and sat quietly on the last bench at the back.

At 7:00 am people started to arrive. Some saw me and waved and I smiled, some didn’t notice me. At 7:30 a good-looking man sat beside me and I remembered him as Roy my classmate who gave me flowers at graduation. We exchanged greetings and talked quietly about what we were doing. This coming school year he would be in third year in a university studying for his Bachelor of Engineering. I felt comfortable with him beside me as everyone else were either ignoring or didn’t know me at all. Our chat was interrupted by the church choir as they started singing the funeral hymn. We turned around and at the main entrance was the wake and all of Mikaela’s family relations. They were preparing to march down the aisle towards the altar.

The coffin was huge and bronzed. It was wheeled and guided by men in uniformed clothes. Next was Mikaela and beside her was her mum, her head was fully covered

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with a long black veil. I knew that Mikaela saw me behind her dark glasses as her head was turned in my direction. It was interesting to note that we were almost wearing the same things. I was wearing a plain white slim-fit t-shirt and my straight cut new jeans while hers was the same cut jeans paired with a black plain slim-fit t-shirt. Neither of us ever cared about fashion and most of the youths who attended the funeral wore very loose shirts with shoulder pads and tight pants. Their hair was either massive or high above their forehead. Mine was tied flatly on my back while Mikaela’s was the short barbers cut. My different appearance made men look at me and the women looked at me with disgust.

It was a very long mass, so many people attended. Close friends and family were given time to talk about the dead man. When it was the wife’s turn to speak she broke down sobbing and was led back to the chair. Mikaela spoke in front of all. “My mum and I would like to extend our sincerest appreciation to all the people who came to share our grief. My dad left a great legacy of goodness which will be affirmed by the people he helped. He was the kind of person who would not hesitate to help.

Anytime and anywhere if you approached him he would accommodate you. His goodwill I will carry with me too and I’m hoping that I can continue to do what he loved to do and that is helping others. I will miss him terribly but his suffering is over now and you may now rest in peace papa. With this music I am letting you go.”

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Then she sat on the piano chair and played, Bridge Over Troubled Water. I didn’t know that she played the piano and it was excellent not missing a note. She played it masterfully. The mass ended after the priest sprayed the coffin and Mikaela’s family with Holy Water.

It was a very long procession from the church to the cemetery. Everyone was using umbrellas to hide from the extreme heat. I didn’t have any but glad that Roy had one and shared it with me. At the private cemetery there was a newly built massive mausoleum for Mikaela’s dad. There were plenty of people but only the family and the priest could go inside so the rest of us were outside under the heat of the midday sun. I didn’t wait long as the heat was too much for me as I was getting used to air-conditioning in our office.

I excused myself from Roy and silently vanished among the trees leading to the public cemetery. I went to my dad’s grave and found it surrounded with high grass.

I pulled out the grass with my bare hands to make the niche visible. I sat myself under the shade of a short palm tree still close to my father’s niche. I offered him a silent prayer, I never prayed to God but to my father.

I never knew him, he died when I was young and I hope he is proud of me now that I was able to survive the hardship of being an orphan. I didn’t have an easy life but the struggles made me strong and I rose against all odds.

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I had nothing to do for the rest of the day and decided to stay longer as it was not often that I had the chance to visit my father.

1981 June. The first time I arrived in Manila I was welcomed with disappointment especially with my condition at that time. I was full of sorrow and grief that the massiveness of the place made me feel lost and unfocused. I had no plan but to stay away from our hometown. With all my belongings inside Mikaela’s big backpack, I was hit with the realization that I had nowhere to go after almost ten hours on the bus. The heaviness of the bag agitated the pain on the wounds still fresh on my back. The pain I could endure but the thought of not seeing Mikaela again was worse and it will last my lifetime and my death will be the only cure.

I started to walk around the residential area near the bus terminal and started looking for bed spaces. There were plenty of boarding houses, apartments and bed spaces. I made inquiries and settled for the cheapest one. It was only a very small room with just the bed and an extra half metre space for moving. I paid the month’s rent and locked myself inside.

I rolled out Mikaela’s mattress and lay down on my front as my back pain was killing me. I stayed there most of the day without food but only the bottle of water I had with me from the bus ride. When night came, I started to make plans as I didn’t have much money to

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keep me going after paying the rent. The rent in Manila was twice the amount of the rent I paid in my previous boarding house. I placed all my clothes on the walled side of the bed as there was no cupboard. The shoes went under the bed and I left some stuff in the backpack and placed it under the bed too.

With my pen and blank papers I started writing application letters. I didn’t include my experience as I didn’t have any reference for it. I wrote that I was a fresh graduate but with an excellent record at school. I remember passing a mini grocery store on my way to this building so I decided to go out and check the facilities of the boarding house and the grocery for some supplies and a newspaper to look for work.

My new boarding house was an old building but freshly painted. It was occupied mostly by students and was full because of the start of classes the next week. There were plenty of toilets and bathrooms but the common kitchen was small. I bought a newspaper and bread. I went back to my own room. I took my water bottle for a refill and my toiletries to bathe myself and get ready for the bed.

I welcomed the pain that night as I couldn’t sleep.

I would have liked to cry but no tears came out. My life had taken a very abrupt turn, from being organized and working then back to darkness, from being in love and full of inspiration to a life of emptiness and sorrow.

My life was like a long tunnel enveloped with darkness

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and the only light that guided me was from the small hole, so small it was not enough for me to see the end of it. I reflected that night on my spiritual being, maybe because I never prayed that was the reason why I was so unfortunate. Those who went to church everyday seemed so happy and contented I observed, so maybe I was wicked after all and grandma and Mikaela’s mum were right about me that I was evil. I slept with the conclusion that I deserved to suffer because I was evil.

The next day I started early looking for jobs. I dressed presentably and with all my papers looked for the addresses I circled on the classified ads. At that time I was existing not living, that’s how I felt. If somebody tried to kill me I would say thank you very much! If I found a job, that would be ok but if not I would lock myself in my room without eating as I had no money and I would wait to die.

I found out that secretaries were in demand during those times and after handing out eight applications I found a job. What an irony I thought. It was a big company that hired me and I was the last addition to the four experienced secretaries. As the youngest and newest addition I had to do all the filing and typing which I was happy to take, they could have put me in the stock room for all I cared. The other four were better dressed and with perfectly made faces. I worked uncaring about my look, as long as I smelled nice that was all

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that mattered to me. I was the tallest one though and had the best shaped body. Two were petites and two were voluptuous and very beautiful and sexy with their dark red lips and manicured nails whereas I hated long nails. I always cut my nails short, long nails I thought were unhygienic.

I worked liked a maniac. I didn’t want to have spare time to think. I needed to keep my mind and body busy so when I was alone in my room I just slept tiredly. My pay was higher than my first job and I was living in a students’ boarding house so that was cheap. Funny part of it, my savings started to increase every payday that I was forced to open a bank account to safely keep the money. I also indulged myself with more clothes, bags and shoes so I could do the washing on the weekends only. Saturdays were for my washing, ironing and cleaning my tiny space which I was contented with already that I never looked for another. Sundays were for movies and books. I started to love reading. I read everything from porn to classics and everything even the ingredients of the food and the boxes of the medicine.

I survived 1981 and 1982 went like a flash. I never heard anything from my hometown and I was not interested anyway. I had one persistent suitor, an average looking guy but very intelligent. He gave up on me after a year of invitations which I kept on declining. I never allowed myself to get close to my workmates either. I only talked work with them, nothing else even weather talk.

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It was at our Christmas party in 1982 that I met Andrew.

It was a big party sponsored by three law firms and attended by all the employees and clients. I was forced to attend as the bonus would be handed out after the party. One of the law firms handled the Australian company where Andrew was working.

I dressed that night like it was an ordinary day at work although we needed to wear something greenish.

I wore an emerald silk blouse and black slacks. The neckline was a bit low but not low enough to show my cleavage. Mikaela’s ring was on a gold chain that I bought. It was very expensive. The chain was 1.5mm thick. I wanted it that thick to make it more secure and strong. It was the first expensive item I bought. The ring, as I promised before, would never leave my neck - only when I had to change the yarn and now it was fastened securely on the base of my neck with a gold chain. Since working in Manila I never used lipstick.

My lips were light pink naturally.

The other four secretaries told me that I was playing hard to get. I was used to them giving me insulting remarks. There’s no such thing as hard or easy to get, it depends on the catch really, that’s what I think. Andrew didn’t find it hard to court me. My mind was set on him as my passport to leave the Philippines and all its bad memories and the good ones although a few will be with me anywhere I go.

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We were married privately with only thirty guests composed of bosses and co workers. He has a younger brother who came from Australia to be his best man.

His father had died two years before and his mom was in a nursing home, too old to travel and demented. We were married in front of a mayor in December 1983.

Sex was good and quick but no cuddling and talking after. We lived in a townhouse in Makati, the business area of the Philippines where he worked. I continued working and after work Andrew would pick me up and we would dine out. Weekends had to be with Andrew’s group of Aussie friends, husbands on sports while wives shopped, lunched and made themselves beautiful. After a week of joining the wives, I decided to get headaches every weekend. I didn’t agree on a maid. I couldn’t afford to have idle time so after work I made the house spotless and sparkly.

January of 1986, I gave birth to my sweet and lovely Georgina, named after his grandma. I stopped work and enjoyed motherhood. March of 1990, we left the Philippines for France. Andrew was to co-manage their new office there. We all stayed there till 1995 after I gave birth to my son, George. I loved France with all its grandeur and arts. But my favourite was Versailles as I was so interested in the life of Marie Antoinette.

Then in 1995 to 2000 we were living in China. I never liked China because I found it hard to learn the language

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so I needed a housemaid to help me do the shopping and minding the huge house. The food of course is closer to home. Before 2000 ended, Andrew received a notice from his boss telling him that he would be sent to Japan early the next year to spearhead a new branch there.

So from 2000 to 2002 we were all speaking Japanese as well. It was there that my husband complained of being overworked and over-travelled. He also considered the kids who were growing up without any sense of permanency but they were intelligent kids and adapted well especially with the languages. Personally, I really didn’t mind at all as long as I was with my kids anywhere would do.

Then in 2003-2005 were all back in Manila and it was there that my husband made a request of a permanent transfer to Australia which was granted mid 2005.

My husband arranged everything before we moved.

When we arrived in the land Downunder we already had our three bedroom modern designed new house in the northern beaches, ready for occupancy. I liked the place the first time I saw it. It was peaceful and people were very polite and friendly.

Now it’s April of 2013. Unknown to Andrew, I already booked a flight at the end of this month. I’m just waiting for the proper time to tell him. A week before I leave, I will tell Andrew that I am attending our grand

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reunion in my hometown and I will be flying at the end of this month.

I found the perfect time. He was surprised. He said that he thought that I was not the kind of person who attended such things.

“When will you be back?” he asked. I told him I had a return ticket for July. Another surprise for him. He blurted out, “It’s too long! What about us here? Why till July when you can come back right after the reunion and where will you stay?” I answered back, “My best friend’s birthday is on June 30 and I want to be there too.”

Andrew looked at me in disbelief. “Best friend? You have one? You never told me about a friend.” I simply couldn’t find the words to answer all his questions so I just listened to him and ended our talk with, “I’m all set to go so if you want to follow me anytime you are welcome but I’m definitely going on the 30th.

My husband and my kids drove me to the airport on the 30 of April. My son kept on whining and complaining all the way from our house to the airport. I arranged everything for them before so I knew that everything will be taken care of. Twice a week a housekeeper will clean and do the laundry, ironing and folding of clothes. The grocery will be delivered on the day the housekeeper comes. Their food they can prepare for themselves as

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we always dine out anyway. I assured my son he could follow me and he said, “I will when I have nothing to wear anymore!” He is funny! Such a spoiled brat and will always be the baby in the family while my Georgina said that he needs to grow up and be responsible and it’s time for me to catch up with my relatives. We said our goodbyes, hugs and kisses and I noticed that Andrew was calm about all this.

The flight back to the Philippines was smooth and I was greeted by the summer heat when I stepped out of the plane. I was glad that instead of the 10 hours drive to my new house, it took me only 1 hour on my connecting flight. I hailed a taxi from the domestic terminal to the address of my newly bought house. Thanks to my very efficient agent the house was already furnished with what I like. All the furniture was made from solid wood. I was happy with the place.

It was nearly lunch time by the time I finished unpacking and taking a shower. I called the taxi company to take me to the nearest car dealership. I bought a four wheel drive , 5 seater Toyota. I do not like the colour but I couldn’t go for a week without a car so I bought the black one instead of the silvery gray that I prefer.

After signing the papers and paying I had my new car ready to give me freedom. I felt so young and carefree that day, it was strange that I didn’t feel tired at all. I drove with ease although I was used to the right

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hand drive. The heavy traffic inside the town centre gave me the opportunity to look around. I remember my college, now the buildings are old. My two boarding houses have now been replaced by concrete structures.

My work is no longer there but a high rise building with commercial spaces. I bought some groceries and drove back to my own home.

I can’t explain what I am feeling. I sense a different me.

I feel happy and at home, it’s like there is a pasted smile on my face. I don’t feel 50 but 17 again. The excitement of waiting for the time to see Mikaela, that is how I feel now. I can’t wait anymore, now that I’m back I would like to be close to her.

I spent the rest of my day relaxing and trying to organize what I will do the next day.

Alone on my bed, the memory that was buried deeply in the farthest part of my memory made its presence known. I am trying to avoid thinking of it but being back here triggers it. The more I force myself not to remember it, the faster it comes back like a ghost. It’s too painful and heartbreaking.

1981. When I felt my hunger, I decided to leave the cemetery. By this time, Mikaela’s father’s funeral must have been over, but I took the road out of the public cemetery nevertheless. I was afraid that Mikaela and her family were still at the mausoleum. When I reached

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the main road, there was a private jeep blocking the way and in the driver’s seat was Mikaela. I had no idea how long she was waiting there but when our eyes met she told me to get in. I sat beside her and held her free hand and said my condolences. She didn’t answer but started the car and drove towards the direction of their house.

It was my first time being in their house. It was bigger when you got closer. They used their front lawn to hold the lunch for the public. So many people were enjoying the free food and drink. Mikaela parked the jeep and I followed her to a group whom I recognized were our classmates back in high school and elementary. Because I was with Mikaela they were friendly to me. Some of the girls were pregnant and only a few managed to attend college like me and Roy. Roy waved at me but didn’t come close as he was talking to his old friends. Mikaela left me with the group and I stood awkwardly with them. When she came back she was holding a plate full of food and handed it to me. I seated myself with a group who were eating ice creams. Mikaela asked me in a loud voice so everyone could hear what I was doing after our high school graduation. I answered back just as loud for everyone’s ears that I did a secretarial course and after completion I managed to land a job that kept me busy all the time. Everyone seemed curious but I thought they knew already from grandma’s customers which became the

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town gossip. I smiled at them and said that I was really hungry. I was conscious when I ate as Mikaela’s gazed was fixed on me. I wondered what happened to being discreet when she didn’t take her eyes off me.

I managed to eat a little then Mikaela sat beside me and I asked her quietly how she was. She looked elsewhere and I managed to finish my food with her facing the crowd. Some people started to say their goodbyes and I watched them disappear until only a few oldies remained but they were not interested in us so we had our privacy.

Mikaela said, “Can you stay the night here with me?”

I answered, “You know that I would like that but do you think it’s fine?”

Mikaela said that everyone in her family were grieving so nobody would notice us. “Please Alexa, I miss you so much and you are the only person I would like to be with tonight.”

I couldn’t bear the sadness in her voice so I said I would stay as long as we would spend the night at exactly where we were seated. When the last person was gone, she went inside their house and came back with a bottle of wine. She poured two glasses and we drank silently.

It was so bitter the wine but after a glass it tasted like water to me and I started to feel lightheaded. We finished the bottle but most of it was consumed by her.

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It was dark inside the covered area but the sky was bright with stars. Mikaela took my hand and led me to the back entrance of their house. There was but one servant feeding the cats who saw us but Mikaela hushed her. She led me to her bedroom. She didn’t turn on the light but the big glass windows were open and the lights from the stars brightened the room. Once inside she started to kiss me hungrily and I responded the same way. We were apart for such a long time that we missed each other’s touch. We started to undress each other while kissing. We were in our bras and pants when the door slammed open! It was her mum! Mikaela didn’t seem bothered but her mum rushed close to us and pushed Mikaela away from me. Then she screamed a series of curses to me and slapped me hard on each of my cheeks.

Relatives and servants were at the door upon hearing the screams. I was about to be slapped for the third time when Mikaela embraced me and shouted at her mother to stop hurting me. Mikaela helped me to dress and her mum faced the servants and ordered them to get my grandma and the priest. She shouted at us to wait in the living room. My hair was all over my face which covered my hot stingy cheeks.

After a few minutes, I heard the arrival of the jeep and grandma and the priest were there and her mum started screaming again and pointing at my grandma

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throwing insults as to how she raised a motherless creature like me. I heard all the kinds of demeaning words from her while my grandma just stood there swallowing everything without any defense. I was a demon’s child and poor Mikaela was dragged into my evilness she said. Mikaela was defending me matching her mother’s screaming voice. Then when she was finished with my grandma, she turned to the priest and asked the priest to spray us with Holy Water. The priest obliged but sprayed more at Mikaela. Her mother also told the priest that all the masses for the whole month will be paid by her to ask forgiveness for Mikaela’s sin. My grandma excused us and assured Mikaela’s mother that I would be punished accordingly and she will see to it tonight. My grandma grabbed my arm tightly then walked out of their house while Mikaela tried to follow but two of their male servants held each of her arms to prevent her from following us.

It was almost ten at night and yet people were out of their houses gossiping of course, courtesy of the servants! We walked with my arm still held by grandma.

I was not crying and I even held my head high when we passed those people who were happy to witness my shame but I felt no shame at all.

Inside my grandma’s house at the top of the main door was a dried stingray tail. It was there to ward off evil.

Once inside she took it from where it hung and told me

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to lie on my front on the long wooden chair. She held the tail getting ready to whip me. In a calm voice she told me to say aloud the Lord of Pardon. So I started saying, PARDON ME - OH MY GOD….whack! The first whip tore my back shirts open. Grandma told me to continue. PARDON ME MY OFFENSES…whack!

I couldn’t breathe anymore, the pain was too much!

I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t say the last line. Grandma reminded me to say the last line or I would receive thirteen whips. Almost a whisper…OH LORD GRANT ME….with all her might she delivered her last blow, then total darkness.

My back was bleeding from the deep cuts of the whip.

When I regained consciousness, my aunt was there putting some disinfectant on my wounds. I forced myself to stand and went to my room. I didn’t have the strength to change my clothes. My white shirt was torn at the back with blood. I lay down with my back exposed to the wind coming from my open window. It was a beautiful night but ended in so much pain. With my face on my pillow I looked at the stars until sleep came.

I woke up in the middle of the night sensing something and it was Mikaela sitting on the floor and her face was level to mine. She started stroking my face and gave me the saddest smile. Her tears were flowing freely on her cheeks and then she whispered to me, “Go back to sleep so you will not feel the pain. I will be with you from this moment till beyond. I love you very much.”

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I felt comforted and knowing she was there beside me, I slept.

I woke up the next day still in great pain and I was so thirsty. I tried to get up but I was still weak so I decided to stay on the bed. Grandma brought me dinner that night but didn’t touch it.

The following day I woke up early without caring and without a sense of time or day but deep inside I knew that I should be back to work that day. I forced myself to stand, took a bath enduring the sting as the water and soap touched my still fresh wounds. I didn’t eat but drank lots of water. I sat on my bed after dressing. I had never felt so hopeless in my life. I wanted to get out of the house but it was broad daylight and I didn’t want to rekindle the people’s gossip. I went back to lie down but sideways this time still looking out the window.

I looked out at the clear blue sky and thought of her.

What would happen to us after all this? I was in despair and misery and my emotional pain was more painful than the physical pain I was in. Strangely enough I was not crying. My reverie was disturbed by the knocking on our front door. I didn’t want to go down so I let the persistent knocking continue.

“It’s me Roy!” He shouted. I shouted back at him to go away and leave me alone. He followed where my voice came from and he went to the side of the house where

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my window was and called me once more. I looked down at him and in a whisper told him, “Please go and leave me alone…” I saw the pity and sadness in Roy’s face. He said, “I am very sorry to tell you that Mikaela is dead. They found her body floating at the edge of the river further north. I am really sorry….”

I didn’t listen to the rest of his story as my legs gave way and I was on the floor with the thought that Mikaela is dead. Tears started to flow and I could no longer keep the pain of it all so I cried and screamed loudly.

The tears which were not flowing when I was whipped now flowed abundantly. My thoughts wandered to the night I was punished. She was here with me and she promised that she would be with me forever. Roy was still down there and when I stopped my loud sobbing I heard him ask me if I was alright and when he heard nothing from me he left.

Out of tiredness I slept, still on the floor of my bedroom and it was my grandma who woke me up to climb into the bed and get ready for dinner. Before she left my room she said, “Your friend was missing after the night of your incident and this morning the servants found her body and she is dead.”

I didn’t join my grandma for dinner and she was nice when she left me alone to grieve. Before midnight, I packed up my bag with my personal belongings and the book that should have been given to Mikaela. I put on my

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canvas shoes, jeans and plain black t-shirt. I tied my hair back without bothering to comb. I walked quietly from the back door then vanished into the trees and found my way to the edge of the river where my happiness began.

I sat on our favourite rock and started crying again and softly said, “Where are you? I’m here, throw stones at me if you must…let your presence be known. If I close my eyes, will you be here beside me? Please…please sit here beside me….I’m here and you’re late…I’m here for you and you should be here for me…..remember?

Eternally……………….”

There was the sound of the crickets and the wind softly blowing but no Mikaela. I sat there until before sunlight.

I took the book from my bag and with my bare hands and a twig dug a hole near the guava tree she used to climb. I dug and dug while my tears continue to flow.

I stopped when I noticed that pit was big enough to bury myself. I hugged the book so tightly and gave it a kiss. I buried the book without putting it in a plastic bag. I wanted it to rot and be with the earth, to be in the place where my happiness and love began and the place where it also ended. When the book was fully buried, I washed my hands and face in the river and whispered to the wind, “Goodbye Mikaela, I love you…………..”

I walked away, away from it all. I never even looked back.

I walked to the next town where I planned to catch the early morning train. I went back to my boarding house and

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packed everything in Mikaela’s backpack. I stayed there till night time then boarded the bus bound for Manila.

Mikaela told me that Manila was so big and the idea of being anonymous would be easy. I didn’t see my boss to say goodbye. I was not fair to him after giving me job and being nice to me. I couldn’t face anybody at that moment.

He might have heard the news about us anyway. Mikaela’s family was prominent and news travelled fast in small towns and its surroundings. I didn’t talk to my landlady either. I paid in advance so I’d have no guilt of running away with debts. I left the key on the table and a note saying my thanks. It was June of 1981 and at the end of this month it would have been Mikaela’s 18th birthday.

I swore to myself that this tragedy would stay hidden in my memory. I would only remember the best times.

PRESENT TIME. After remembering that painful incident of my life, I woke up feeling tired and drained.

I took a shower, packed some food and dressed myself in old jeans and an old t-shirt. In my shoulder bag were my wallet, keys and sunnies.

When I started driving I felt nervous, the same feeling I had when I used to meet Mikaela. I didn’t know my way but after several wrong turns I asked for directions.

I was on my way to my hometown. I had to close the windows and turn on the air-con as it was hot and dusty even in the early morning. I’m not used to long drives so my bottom starts to ache and the roads are not friendly.

It’s good that I bought the 4 wheel drive.

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The bumpy ride took me about an hour but I reached my destination. It’s so different now, not yet modern but thriving. So many big, beautiful houses with cars parked on the roads. The roads are the same though except that now they are concreted. I looked for a spot to park my car and walked around. It’s summer and young people are out on the streets, kids are running and playing. Lucky I put on my straw hat and sunnies, I could walk without exposing myself to the harsh sun.

I went to the road that would lead me to the public cemetery. From the entrance up to the main area were already full of tombs. I traced the path that goes up to my father. I know where it is but when I reached it I couldn’t find my father’s grave. I was sure that it was on this spot. I looked around and read the names of his dead neighbours and they are the same except for the niche that is supposed to be my father’s. I was enveloped with sadness and guilt. With a heavy heart I started my way to the forest of trees that separate the public from the private cemetery. Now there is a fence too that encloses the private area. The huge gate was half open and from the entrance I could already see the mausoleum. There are many now unlike before, only Mikaela’s father. I took a deep breath before proceeding.

Even dead people value their vanity. It’s amazing these rows of mausoleums! So big and grand and it’s like a competition as to which is the highest and the most expensive of all! Such a waste of money, I thought.

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The one that I am going to seems the poorest now, I thought. The private cemetery is well organized and the lawn is well maintained while on the other side, you can use any vacant space, even on footpaths you can bury the dead and maybe after several years when it will be too crowded you can bury in standing position.

Here it is properly aligned like an exclusive subdivision.

I don’t know what I expected to see but I kept on moving in a slow pace until I was facing her tomb. I have been living in denial for so long that when I saw her tomb, the heaviness on my chest started to ease by the flowing of my tears. She is here beside her father, my beautiful Mikaela. On her tombstone her name is engraved in gold: * MIKAELA MARIA ISOBEL * Born: June 30, 1963 Died: June 6, 1981.

The silent tears now broke into a flood of tears. I sat and cried until I had no more tears to shed. I felt so tired and old. I was thinking before I came here that they were lying to me when they said that she is dead so I went and we parted ways, but there was always this tiny hope that she is alive and waiting for me. But now in front of her tomb, my waiting was over. We can’t be together anymore in this lifetime. I prayed to her like I did with my dead father when I was a young girl. “Hey beautiful, you miss me? I miss you so much! I’m back and I will be here with you every day. I will start drawing again. Remember the book you gave me? It’s gone but I will start a new one. It will be our story in drawings!

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I will do it here with you close to me. Bye for now, I’ll come back tomorrow. I love you so much!”

Before I drove back I had to go back to where it all began.

The heat was taking its toll on me, I felt dizzy and hungry. There were about three wooden houses already on the way to where the river ends and the last one was close to where I buried Mikaela’s book. It is no longer secluded and shaded. The huge trees with thick foliage that almost covered some part of the rocks are no longer there. The river is now exposed to the harsh sun.

The water is shallower now with evidence of quarrying.

There were two women chatting and washing clothes near our rock. Five children were playing and swimming. The water is no longer clear but filled with a variety of rubbish floating plus the suds from the detergent.

It saddens me more to see that our once idyllic place has ended up like this. I was hoping that another pair of romantics like me and Mikaela would also find their happiness in this place. The place I considered sacred is just a place to wash clothes for these people. What is left now are the memories, wonderful memories full of love and laughter which is mine and nobody can take that away from me.

“I’LL SEE YOU SOON MY MIKAELA….” I whispered to the wind…………………………….. ***THE END**

Mikaela and Alexandra’s love was in the wrong place and time. Mikaela was an only child of very rich town’s people while Alexandra grew up with a busy grandmother as her father died and mother abandoned her.

Their story started with bullying. The rich girl was popular while the poor girl was an outcast. Growing up in a small religious town they were classmates from elementary to secondary school. Secret meetings between the two ladies helped them grow closer. Young as they were, they both discovered the wonders of each others presence. They fell in love and spent glorious times together.

Love gone wrong and promises ended.

Was their kind of love, wrong or sinful?

What is life to Alexandra when the person who introduced her to the word LOVE is dead.