Jeepney Press April-March Issue Advice Ni Tita Lits

ADVICE NI TITA LITS: Take It Or Leave It!

by Isabelita Manalastas-Watanabe

PART 2

Dear Tita Lits,

Magandang araw po sa inyo.

Meron po akong mabigat na dinaranas ngayon sa aking biyenan. Nang ikinasal po ako sa aking asawang Hapon, tutol na po ang mga biyenan ko sa akin dahil isa akong dayuhan at isa pang Pilipina. Sabi pa nga ng nanay ng asawa ko na sana ay galing ako sa mayaman na bansa sa Amerika o Europa, mas maganda pa sa tingin ng mga tao. Nahiya po siya na ang pinakasalan ng kanyang anak ay isang pobreng Pilipina po lamang. Mahal po ako ng asawa ko at buntis na rin po ako ng kinasal kami. Gusto rin pong ipalaglag ng aking biyenan na babae ang anak na dinadala ko pero tinutulan ko po. Abort the child and no wedding needed ang utos ni biyenan. Bibigyan na lang daw ako ng maraming pera. Simula pa lamang, mabigat na drama na ang dinanas ko po.

Buti na lamang at sa probinsiya po sila nakatira at kami naman po ay sa Tokyo. Malaking pagtitiis at pagdurusa na lamang ako kapag binibisita namin sila sa probinsiya tuwing Obon at New Year taun-taon.

Namatay po last year ang biyenan kong lalake. Nagiisang anak po ang aking asawa kaya sinabihan ako na aalagaan niya ang nanay niya at titira po sa aming bahay dahil meron naman isang kwarto na hindi ginagamit. Alam kong wala naman pong masamang tumulong lalo na’t kung ito ay para sa magulang.

Ngayon, isang taon na po ang nakalipas. Punung-puno na po ako. Hindi ko na po kaya. Feeling ko, ako na yata ang mauunang mamamatay kaysa sa kanyang ina. Utos dito, utos doon. Sinasabihan ko naman ang asawa ko, pero sabi niya lagi sa akin na konting tiis dahil matanda na ang nanay niya. Kahit matanda naman ay malakas pa po.

Gusto ko pong umalis sa bahay at pansamantalang umuwi sa Pilipinas at iwan ang asawa ko dahil hindi ko na kayang magsama kami sa bahay ng kanyang ina. Ang asawa ko po ay laging nasa kaisha. Umuuwi lang para matulog. 24 oras ko pong kasama ang kanyang ina. Ayaw din ng ina na tumira sa mga tahanan para sa matatanda.

Hindi pa rin po ako matanggap hangang ngayon ng kanyang nanay kaya parang pinaparusahan niya ako, at parang gusto rin kaming ipaghiwalay. Sinisiraan niya po ako sa aking asawa. Lagi na po kaming nag-aaway at lagi niyang kinakampihan ang kanyang ina. Kung uuwi ako at iiwan ang aking asawa, parang nanalo ang kanyang nanay.

Ayoko ko namang lumaban sa biyenan ko. Hindi po ako masamang tao. Alam niya iyon. Kahit magkasakit siya, tinutulungan ko siya. Pero wala pa ring epekto sa kanya ang mga kabutihan kong ginagawa. Pagkalipas na mahigit na 20 taon, hindi pa rin nagbabago ang trato sa akin.

Pinagdarasal ko lagi pero parang meron akong kasamang demonyo sa bahay.

Ngayon, ang pag-uwi ko na lang sa Pilipinas ang naiisip kong gawin at baka magibang isip ang aking asawa.

Ano pa po kaya ang magandang gawin? Tulungan po ninyo ako.

Magdalena Tokyo

Dear Readers of Tita Lits:

Below are some feedback I have received from my last column, regarding Magdalena, the long-suffering Filipina married to a Japanese whose husband seems to be good to her, but not her mother-in-law. I asked each and every one if I can print their comments, and also identify them by name and location. All have agreed.

“Do you ever get to know what happens after your advice? Do they write back? Would be interesting to your readers if you print some feedback received from readers”. (Violy Laraya, Manila, Philippines)

“When I read your Tita Lits column, it reminded me of Tia Dely dishing out advice to Filipino radio listeners at 3 in the afternoon in the early 60s. I also fondly recall Mga Kuwento ni Lola Basyang, and Diegong Tabak (isinilang na kriminal)”. (Professor Renato Cerdena, Michigan, USA)

“Good advice”. (Erasmo Cruz, Philadelphia, USA)

“I agree with your good advises Lits. Parang teleserye yon ah.” (Elaine Lababit, California, USA)

“Tks Lits! Madami pala Martir na Pinay. I thought they were matataray. Great advice. But I think I'd run away ASAP!”

(Marilyn Nii, Tokyo, Japan)

“Hi, Lit. You may include my below comment with my name and location. Natutuwa ako dyan sa advocacy mo. There must be a number of women in that predicament and who can be in the best position to give your 2-cents worth of advice.”

“Wow Lits, that was something. I read it to Teng at natuwa kaming pareho. Parang naririnig ka mismo namin. Maganda mga suggestions mo. She really needs some space. Ipagpatuloy mo. Am sure nakatulong ka.” (Dra. Nela Porciuncula, Quezon City, Philippines)

Dear Tita Lits, Isa ako sa mga tumatangkilik sa iyong column. Kahit saang bansa ka naninirahan, hindi nagkakaiba ang mga problema nang kapwa natin. Maganda ang payo mo kay Magdalena na isa sa mga humingi nang payo sa iyo noong nakalipas na issue, na huwag siyang sumuko pero dapat ikaw ang unahin na unawain nang asawa kaysa sa kanyang ina.

Below is my opinion na dapat gawin ni Magdalena in her situation.

It sounds as if you have done all you can. 20 years is a long time to submit to the neurosis, insecurity, and bullying

of your mother in law. You should be proud of the tolerance, sacrifice and care you have shown this far. But there is a time for sacrifice and a time to let go of that which does not serve you.

I’m sure your husband is a kind man who is trying to keep the peace and tread the line carefully, but to continue in the situation where you, his wife is so clearly unhappy and distressed means he is failing you as a husband. Simply put, your husband must put you, his wife first before his mother. Yes, it will tear him apart, but so will you leaving him or ultimately having a breakdown due to the situation.

It is also the best lesson to set your child about marriage, self-love, and being in a real partnership. I understand this action is very rare in both cultures and you will have to dig deep and be very brave.

In a way, there is compassion for to be had for someone so clearly unhappy and filled with hate and envy. She clearly has deep seated issues stemming from trauma/s which is manifesting through her treatment of you. Make no mistake she is a weak person. Is it your responsibility, or your husband’s to try and work through this? No. It might take her a whole lifetime and the next to do that. And in the meantime most of your life will be over.

But to further continue, would be a disservice to yourself, what a real marriage is supposed to all about and the example you want to set for your child about how they should be treated in a marriage. Is it radical? Will it be traumatic? Yes. But no less than subjecting yourself to another 20 years of this which will just a drawn out trauma.

I wish you peace it whatever route the situation takes.

Maraming salamat, Tita Lits, in publishing my comments. May God bless you and all your readers. (AJ Vasquez, London, UK)

Isabelita Manalastas-Watanabe