Foreword The journey to loving our-selves and others is never easy. This book is meant to share my journey of working on myself. I will be writing about the ups and downs, and the numerous attempts at finding a truer version of myself and to have a deeper, richer experience of love. By sharing them, I hope that it not only reminds me of how far I have come and how much more I can go, it may also shed light into your own struggles and resonate with you at some level. No matter how tough life can get, I hope that that we can work through this fruitful journey together.
With love, Sun Xue
Acknowledgement I am grateful for my coach and master, Kelvin Lim, for teaching me the many lessons in life and touching the lives of the many students he has. This book is never possible without what he creates in the TBEP Expression Program. I highly doubt I would even be able to finish this book without his guidance. It would also not be possible without my family, partner, and the people and community around me.
Content Chapter 1: The Journey To Within: Understanding what Really Matters to us -
Amending the past Standing up for ourselves
Chapter 2: The Peeling Of The Onion Skin: Search for Deeper Truths -
Coming out of the shadow Finding a sense of belonging
Chapter 3: Embracing My Own Darkness: Allowing light to unfold -
Isolation to connection Embracing imperfections
Chapter 4: Just Do It. -
Fiddle in our own style
Chapter 1: The Journey To Within: Understanding what Really Matters to us
Lao-tzu: “ A journey to a thousand miles start with a single step. ” Often we sail through life, doing and repeating the same thing again and again. It’s hard to gather the strength and clarity to go out of our usual self or to even believe that we can become the better person we want to be. But what if it is possible? But to do that, it is not an easy one. My journey starts off with looking at my past and acknowledging the parts of me that I might not be comfortable with. What I share is more of my personal experiences. While you might not have the same experiences, I hope that it can allow you to feel and get in touch with your
emotions to have an honest conversation with yourself too.
Amending the past </3
<Insert drawing A>
When I am in my first year in my secondary school, I had a hard time adjusting to the new school environment. It was an all girl school, made up of all the top scorers of my age in Singapore. I often felt lonely without my usual primary school friends, and inferior that I am not as good as the rest of the students there. I also felt rejected and ostracised that I came from China and going to school became very tortuous and depressing for me then. D is my Chinese friend that I used to get along until I left the gang she was a part of because I felt that it was shameful to stay in a Chinese gang that would be judged by the rest of the Singaporean classmates and I did not want
to be labelled that way. While the rest of the China gang had ignored me, D was the one whom I still talk to although we were still on bad terms. One day we had an argument and in a moment of rage, I got so much anger and hatred that I kicked her at her leg. She retaliated and I got even more furious and so I kicked her real hard on her butt and left her after that. That notorious vengeful act of me remained in my mind, with guilt that accompanied soon after…
Even though we continued to be friends for many years after that, that moment where I had lashed onto her still makes me feel uneasy and guilty inside. And that guilt never went away until I had picked up the courage to tell her, 8 years later, that I am sorry for kicking her. I feared the response that she would be reminded and be angry at me, but relieved when she told me that she didn’t take it to her heart, and she still treats me dearly as a friend. I could only
move on from that guilt inside me after having that conversation with her.
There were many other instances in my life where I have intentionally or unintentionally hurt or harm someone in the moment of blind rage, selfishness, or desperation. Being able to have the chance to make peace with them, apologise or talk to the people, on hindsight, is a real blessing. Whether they really got hurt or not is one thing, but how we feel about what we have done or said is very important in cultivating more self-love. Only then can we free ourselves from the guilt or burden we felt. And if the person really got hurt, it allows a kind of closure for them too. So no matter what, acknowledging our mistakes and amending them is taking a first step towards self-love. It could be the things we have said or done, the broken promises, the people we left behind, the insults we made, the people we had ignored...
If there’s still a chance and not too late, wouldn’t it be nice to say to the people that matters to us what you truly feel?
How about all the “harm”, rejections, and judgements we cause to ourselves?
<Insert Drawing B> I remember in my junior college days, I saw a sticker labelling, “Harvard University” on my dance mate, M’s laptop. Immediately, I judged, doubted her, and put her down in my mind. When I had finished my A levels, it was a fat hope to me that any good school from overseas would accept me even though my grades were acceptable (Straight As for all subjects except C for my General Paper) and that I did stand a chance. While my peers were busying making their applications, my lab partner F, and the same friend, D, got into medical school, M got into Princeton Law Faculty, I did not even finish my online application to
any overseas college. I doubted myself and denied any possibility of me making it to any prestigious university overseas even though that would be like wow, a dream to me then. I chose a mediocre path of following my classmate sitting next to me who was following her mother’s path to become an account. And so I applied for accountancy which I eventually left when I felt it was too dry for me.
How many opportunities we lost because we don’t believe in ourselves? ~ I just hope that I can learn this lesson to pursue harder for what I really want for myself instead of giving in to our inner voice that we are not good enough, not smart enough, not capable enough, and on and on, and ends up choosing an easier, but mediocre path. <Insert Picture C>
Let’s encourage ourselves and really Believe in ourselves as a first step towards self-love. And turn our dreams and vision into reality by taking actions! ~ Standing Up For Ourselves This topic is a hard one for me, because it takes not just love, but also courage.
<Insert Drawing D>
Chapter 2: The Peeling Of The Onion Skin:
Search for Deeper Truths
This is the heaviest part of the book, and I hesitated a lot before writing. Even though I would say that I have attended a lot of courses on personal development and all, I find my emotions and mind very complex and hard to understand. I mean my personality is so rich and diverse that it takes a whole lifetime to understand them!
Coming out of the shadow
I can recall my mum’s words ringing beside my ears. Those unpleasant and derogative remarks in Si Chuan Dialect. The threats of abandoning me if I do meet her expectations of me. My body still remembers the physical beatings when I make her angry.
I spent my whole life trying to make her happy. Feeling sorry for the pain I caused to her when I saw the tears she shed after scolding me. And feeling guilty on how hard she works to raise me up. Feeling bad for how much pain she suffers whether directly or indirectly caused by me. She loves me. She do. In her own way from whatever she knew, she loves me a lot. Her life won’t be where she is without me. And I feel responsible for how she is now. The Chinese might say it is filial piety, being grateful to help my mother, but to me, it is a mixture, much more complicated. I had a tough time working on my relationship with my mum. I had to first deal with my rejections towards her. Then I had to pick up the courage to come to good terms with her. To talk to her more and try to understand her. And then I started to care for her more. To bring her to a coaching program. To help her in her business. To protect her in front of others.
It took me so long to figure out that these are never enough, and I am going into a dead end if I had continued to help her. I finally hear my own voice, see the hard truth that I do want to live my own life, without pleasing my mum, without feeling obligated to help. I WANT TO BE FREE. I want to have my own life, explore what the world has to offer. Create something on my own feelings or ideas. Live a life without letting it slip sliding away. I realise that if I choose to stay in her business, it has got to be for me, and that decision is a conscious and powerful choice to empower myself. I still do care for her. But the motivation is different. I cannot still be the kid that she controls and tells me what to do. I cannot be living my life to make her feel happy. I am not responsible for her life. The lesson of drawing boundaries in relationships really come very late to me.
I also realise that coming out of her shadow is truly honouring and “helping” her in her evolution. Right now, I am still progressing in this journey of being myself.
Rekindling the fire and giving myself more opportunity to be myself. Counting on my courage and self-love in the presence of fear.
Finding a sense of belonging
I always hear of being present from teachings of yoga or meditation. It is so hard to be present, for the mind to be not having any thoughts or feeling any urges. I came to Singapore with my mum when I am 8 years old. Later, I was left alone in this country, with different guardians to oversee me for over one and a half years. I remember the homesick and loneliness that I felt. It is inside me every single day. I could only swallow my tears. I remember the long 4.5 hours flight from Chengdu to Singapore where my tears could not stop flowing. I missed my grandparents that took care of me since young and accepted me for who I am, my cousins that I play with, the relatives that care for me. I could only channel this longlines and sadness into my journal. I could only wait for the school holiday to go back to China, to go back to my family, my safe heaven.
I was more of a fighter who must survive in my guardian’s home. To live by their rules. To not disobey them. I have no where else to go. I made up my mind to stay here because I make better friends in school compared to China, and I am the best in class for Math and Chinese in Singapore. I do not like my primary school in China because of the harsh teachers that slapped and threw their chalks at me when I was 6 years old.
Later the safe heaven I thought I have is gone too. My parents divorced. The house in Si Chuan that I stayed in about 4 to 5 years got demolished. Instead of field trips and mah-jong table laughters, it became heated arguments in the big family. I became more and more depressed. I longed for the beautiful past. I never really accepted the reality. The home sick is still inside me, the anguish of the arguments and losses in the family.
How can I be truly present if all I wish for is to be back to a simpler life and innocent childhood? So, I had to work hard to accept the present, to deal with the losses, and changes all those years since I left my hometown. To work on my rejection of Singapore as a place to live in. I realised that I have been rejecting it since young.
It is interesting to see how parts of us are still attached to the goodness in our past. If you ever could, which period or which part of your lives would you want to go back to? It probably gives us the best, happiest memories but also makes us most depressed now that we have already lost them. Making peace with this would allow us to let go and become more present in our lives now.
Chapter 3: Embracing My Own Darkness: Allowing light to unfold Isolation To Connection
The Mask We Wear
Not sure when that I start to pretend. Maybe it started off when I pleased my grandparents to show that I am fine so that they need not be worried about me. Or maybe it started off when I try to blend in with the rest of the students in class so that my teacher would not point fingers and reprimand me. This mask I wear has evolved over the years, and it gets sophisticated.
Hiding of ourselves
Our masks serve us a great purpose to protect us and help us survive the tough times we had. Having awareness of this mask will allow us to process things (emotions or thoughts) that we were hiding and to give them the chance to be seen again. It allows us to embrace and accept our vulnerability to love ourselves. When I get in touch of my own pretences, I feel that a lot of times I try very hard to be strong. I appear to be capable, and put on the side of me that can handle everything
in my way. While this side of me does make me stronger as the saying goes, “fake it till you make it”. Faking it does make me figure things out along the way. But I guess what did not help me is when I disconnect myself with the rest of the world in the process.
The trap in isolation
I become living in my own mind. By appearing to be strong all the time, I do not allow myself to seek help from others around me enough. By not communicating my needs and expectations, and forcing myself to keep going, I suffer the fight alone
even though I am already feeling terrible and helpless inside. At my extreme, I start rejecting others and even blame the world over my circumstances. On one hand, the helpless side of me wish that there is someone or something to save me, but then the opposing force of the need to be okay and strong goes against it. In the end, it leaves me still stuck at the same place.
There but not there
As I look through the old photos I had and seeing the faces of my classmates, I feel sorry that I did not connect with so many of them. My mind is occupied with voices, “she is so perfect”, “we can’t get along”, “he doesn’t care about me”, “I’ll get rejected”, “I want to be alone”,
depending on what triggers they invoke in me. Those that I feel comfortable with, I would still be somewhat friends with them today, but unfortunately, many did not fall into my selection criteria. This filtered lenses I wear disconnected me from them. The walls I built protect me from feeling guilty, inferior, or being rejected.
Letting go
In most of my personal encounters with people, I think most of them does not cause harm to us intentionally (If they do,
then I think they could have ended up in prison or similar sort of place). Most of the time, I give someone a score just based on the first impression. In the moment of triggers with people, I find it hard to come to my senses. What works for me is to give myself enough time to get to a better place. It takes some humility and enough awareness for me to recognise that most of the time, the person in front of me is a either a projection of myself or someone else in the past that I am still not happy with. I got to try very hard convince myself that that is the truth so I won’t do or say silly things that I will regret later.
Forging connections
Only when I have come to my senses to realise that, then can I be willing to try to connect to them, to get to know them more. It takes a while to understand that we all have past experiences that shaped us to be the way we are right now. To empathize with one another that we all are just trying our best in our own way.
Embracing Imperfections
Searching for the appreciation that never come
This is something I struggle with a lot. I cannot deny the truth that I do look for some form of compliment, acknowledgement, or recognition in most of the things I do. It is in the subconscious wait for someone to say, “thank you”. For someone to approve my effort and the hard work I put in or to validate the brilliance or intelligence I have inherited. I must make myself useful or whatever I do count.
The Rat Race
There are times we are lost, or we do not know what to do, so we follow our parents, our friends, or what our teachers tell us to do. But I find that often, it is not just that. Seeking others’ approval and conforming to expectations became so ingrained inside us, it is not just about turning to them when we are lost or directionless, it is the never-ending persistence to follow at all costs. For sure, I do not want to be shamed, compared to others, or deemed not good enough. And so I have to prove it to others and even to myself that I am not that bad.
Most of us have probably been criticised, or even ostracised before, we know the pain. Unfortunately, we know of sadly two things as a natural progress or the result of what we do. 1. Criticism / Disapproval 2. Compliment / Approval It is either 1 or 2. We were raised that way since young. What else do we know of apart from that? How can we we stop the motivation to succeed that is based on the avoidance of pain and hurt we got in the past? How else would things be?
Ying And Yang In Flow
I wonder why the Chinese culture always talk about the Ying Yang and how that can help us to be less trapped in our circumstances. How can the wisdom from our forefathers tell us to start really living our lives without everything else that is hindering our path?
Maybe it is being okay with the hindrances in our path. We stop fighting them, but start to embrace the fight, the imperfections, and insecurities within us. I realise that when I can do that, I can expand and become more tolerant of the flaws in others too.
I would like to interpret that there are both parts of us (The Yin and The Yang). Ying is the part of us that is bound by our past and hurts ourselves and others. Yang is the part of us that struggles to breakthrough, hopes to become free and occasionally do evolve ourselves. Maybe we are always in this whirlpool composite of both. I cannot only desire the brighter, shiner and positive version of myself, and reject the stupid, and making mistakes part of me. Acknowledging that these are all parts of me works better. Stop dwelling in conversations on what I should be doing, living in unnecessary stress, and putting the harsh judgement and blame to ourselves.
Perhaps the path to becoming a better leader, a better sibling, parent, colleagues, lover etc is to start off first by honouring and serving ourselves.
And when we are clear and have more peaceful with ourselves, we naturally have more space to give. And we begin to serve and honour the people around us in our interactions with them.
“ It's the circle of life And it moves us all Through despair and hope Through faith and love 'Til we find our place On the path unwinding In the circle The circle of life – The Lion King
Chapter 4: Just Do It. “ It's a big world, baby And you're little For a Little While. It's a big world, baby You can fiddle in your own style.” - Renee & Jeremy
It is a big, big, diverse world. There are billions of people with different gifts, personalities, temperaments, and values that they live by. Yet ironically, most of the time, my mind thinks that I am so important that my problems seem to be magnified! I remember the frustration I had when I missed my bus thrice in a day. It was so upsetting as if my world is almost crumbling down. When things got out of my way, it is such a big thing. All the problems we face, are they really that big? When I look at the night sky and billion and billions of stars, at that moment, I forget all the troubles and become in much awe. It is such a magical, grand sight to wonder into space.
A star dust The vastness and diversity of the universe makes me retreat to myself, to my inner authentic voice, to find myself. I find solace just by living and existing at this moment. I am a part of the universe like everything else in front of me. I do feel belonged and blessed in the ever-expanding universe. It’s an honour just to be here.
The moment
On the other hand, I tend to go into my thinking mode too much sometimes. Asking how much control do we really have in our lives? Why did the creator even create us in the first place? What is this grand plan about? Trying to understand and talking to myself within my head. Silly. Perhaps to truly understand the world, it must be experienced wholeheartedly. I must throw myself out there. And patiently wait for the answer to unfold to me in the process.
The journey is not easy, there is a lot of challenges and unknown that we must overcome and learn. But I believe that the practise of cultivating more self-love allows for our lives to get easier and allows things that were deemed impossible to be possible. The world is so big, surely it has a place for all of us to shine. Let us hold on to our hopes and dreams. And trust that it will all come true.