Guide to Action and Support
By Trent Erwin & The Support Project Team Š2013 The Support Project
Introduction: We weren’t meant to battle the temptations of lust and sex on our own. We were designed to battle together, as a unit. It’s only when we enter community with our brothers that lives begin to change.
Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
The real issue: Men struggle with lust. God is fully aware of the beauty he created and bestowed upon women. He’s also clear on what our thoughts and actions toward women should be. Viewing a woman lustfully is wrong. Yet turning our gaze is like moving a mountain at times. While we know sexual lust is defiance of God, the issue remains hidden within most churches and faith communities. It’s as if it’s too difficult or too dirty to be discussed, let alone dealt with. It’s this silence that has in some way destroyed every man. It’s the silence that motivated us to speak up, because it’s not getting any easier for men. It’s actually getting worse, but we can reverse this trend. If people are silent and silence is destroying men, then we must lift our voices, no matter how difficult the truth may be. Most of us on our team avoided being honest about our sexual sin for years. We knew the reality of the struggle, but we also knew it would be difficult to confront. Finally, we decided the difficulty was worth the risk. If we faced the difficult reality first, then maybe we could create a path for others that would allow them to face it as well. So here we are with The Support Project. We’re facing the difficulty and ugliness of sexual sin. We’re admitting exactly what we struggle with and we’re bonding together to work toward a spiritual and physical cleansing. We’re supporting each other and that’s what we truly need.
"How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." Psalm 119:9-11
Steps to Support: 1. Testimony : sharing your personal story of struggle is one of the most powerful steps in this process. Honesty is crucial for transformation. 2. Conversation : speaking with a close friend or family member you trust can lead to greater awareness and ultimate peace. Get it off your chest. 3. Community : stopping with just a testimony and a conversation leaves us without complete support. We need to be with other men, battling like men.
1. Testimony "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
Why testimony? Testimonies are powerful. The most intriguing parts of media are the honest testimonies from real people. Put simply, testimonies are “stories.” The best stories always involve a real struggle. Our team noticed that our testimonies were incredibly powerful and influential in our group. When we began opening up about our struggles with sexual sin, that’s when the issue became real. When our stories were shared, we couldn’t avoid the issue any longer. So, we’re leading by example and sharing our testimonies first. But we’re encouraging you to share your testimony, your story of struggle. Honesty and vulnerability come through sharing, which brings reality. Once you understand the reality of sexual brokenness, you can begin to mend the brokenness by aligning with God and the church.
What do I have to share? My darkest secrets? My entire past? We aren’t pressuring anyone to share details they aren’t comfortable sharing. That being said, we are encouraging everyone to be as honest as possible, because without honesty we cannot confront the true struggle. It’s as easy as recording your story with your webcam either on your computer or your phone and then emailing it to our team: contact@supportproject.net Once we receive your testimony, we review it to make sure we’re not receiving spam or anything vulgar. After the review, we’ll post it along with ours and others we’ve collected in our Stories section of the website. From there you can share the video with people you know, using it as a tool to generate conversation and putting a face on the issue. That leads us to step 2.
Tips for testimony: 1. Check out other videos on the website to find out how others shared. This can give you an idea of how to structure your testimony. 2. Sit and write your testimony first, this will help you collect your thoughts and reflect on your life and God. 3. Share as much as you’re comfortable sharing. Remember to be honest because that will encourage you and others to seek freedom from this struggle. 4. Identify everything you’ve struggled with, the length of time you’ve struggled, why you can’t seem to release or what has helped you release. (Even if you don’t share all of this publicly, it will help you understand yourself better)
2. Conversation: Sharing a testimony is just the beginning. We hope that sharing your testimony leads you to take even more action. Your testimony is a gateway into a much larger conversation full of potential. Your story is unique, so share it. Let your story of struggle and heartache encourage others. How can it be encouraging?
A story of struggle is a true story, not sugar coated, and one people can relate to. Everyone struggles with something, whether it is with sexual sin or with any addiction, we’ve all struggled and continue to struggle. The moment you become a real person to someone else, the quicker they will become real to you. You’ll be surprised how easy it is for someone to be honest about their life when you’re honest first. It just takes you being honest first. When just one member of our team shared his honest story, we all jumped at the opportunity to share ours. The gates are wide open after one shares. “Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” James 5:16
My father always told me as I transitioned in and out of puberty that speaking with him and my brother would be the best way to defeat struggles with pornography and lust. I must admit I hesitated to do so because it required too much honesty and I wasn’t comfortable with that. So after years of silence and anguish, I now realize I should have spoken up years ago as he advised. Don’t make my same mistake by bottling it inside. Instead, let me tell you it’s more beneficial for you to admit your struggle with sexual temptation than to remain silent. Silence only serves to defeat you slowly over time, leaving you feeling worthless.
Start the conversation: select an individual you trust and know will be the least judgmental. But also select an individual who will get down in the mess with you and help pick you up. You do not want someone who will listen once and not drive you to change. Share with a close friend your age, your father, a mentor, a brother… someone, again, who you trust and will help you fight. Keep the conversation focused on the cross and on God. We’re sharing because God delights in the truth, and it brings about character change. Let the conversation be about the characteristics of God, as well. God was and is the ultimate man—Jesus.
“For we do not have a high priest (Jesus) who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.” Hebrews 4:15
Tips for conversation: 1. Select someone you completely trust: father, brother, close friend, pastor, mentor, etc. 2. During an interaction/conversation, open the topic by saying something like - Hey can I be honest with you about something? Can I share something personal with you? Do you mind if I open up about something? May I confess something to you? 3. After sharing, the other person may share something in return. If not, ask them – How about you, do you need to confess anything or just let go of something in your life? 4. Don’t be nervous, just be real with the other person. 5. Ask them to follow up with you concerning your struggles. Follow up with them if they share with you as well.
3. Community: “All the believers were one in heart and mind.” Acts 4:32
Again, don’t stop with the previous step. A single conversation with someone you trust is a monumental step in the process. You’re finally being honest with yourself and someone else. But the larger transformation for all men happens when we extend our testimonies and conversations to the groups we’re already in. I’m not asking you to start another group, because we already have so many groups. If we add another one, it will be overload and the mission will fail. So, what you do is incorporate this openness and honesty within your current groups. If you’re in a small group, make it a point to share with the men in your group about what’s going on in your life. Share your testimony with the men. The testimony will lead to conversations, which will lead to them sharing their testimony.
Once they share, it’s a breath of fresh air for everyone because we see each other on equal ground. No one is better or less sinful. You’ll be surprised how relaxed everyone will be when you cast light on the elephant in the room. Every man knows what’s going on. Every man sees the pretty lady on the street or in an advertisement somewhere. You’re not going to receive blank stares when you talk about the issue of sex, lust and pornography. Every man battles with it on a daily basis to some degree. Again, just like with the conversation, don’t let it be a one-time thing. Once the channels of communication are open regarding sexual temptation, use those channels as much as possible. Within your community or communities you’ve chosen to become more open and honest with, begin to hold each other accountable. Every time you meet, confess your struggles to each other and then pray for every man in the group. Do this without ceasing. I’m confident this will lead to a change for all. Collectively, your communities will desire the true character and heart of a man, designed by God.
Tips for community: 1. Start with the men you spend time with and are already around. 2. Ask simple, yet necessary questions from time to time, such as, Have you been struggling recently? How can I be praying for you? What tends to be your biggest temptation? When are you typically tempted during the day? 3. Once you know more, pray specifically for each other. Send reminder and encouragement texts. Call each other for updates. 4. Try establishing one day a week to either meet and talk about what’s going on or at least a phone conversation once a week. Regular interactions will produce honesty and opportunities for great change. 5. Don’t hold back. If you hold back, then someone else in your community will as well.