Beat Bullying

FEATURES BEAT THE BULLIES

According to trusty Google, a bully is defined as someone who is ‘habitually cruel, insulting, or threatening to others who are weaker, smaller, or in some way vulnerable.’ This definition got me thinking; what does bullying truly represent and how does it affect each and everyone of us? All behaviour is communication. Whether we are conscious about it or not, we are constantly communicating with each other, be it positive or negative experiences that we are sharing. Bullying is often spoken about in education, but it is not something experienced by children alone, it is among us adults too. I would even go as far as to say that we can be guilty of self-bullying. By the above definition, bullying is about behaviour towards weakness and vulnerability, and don’t we all hold some of both within us? Perhaps this is really where bullying begins?

BEAT THE BULLIES

Ibelieve we can all be subject to ‘habitual cruelty’ and insult without even leaving the house, and no I am not referring to the various social platforms that we receive regular input from, I am talking about that inner voice that we all have. The one that takes a thought and runs with it, unfortunately without properly thinking of the consequences.

WATCHING BULLIES AT WORK

Having worked in education for nearly 20 years, from nursery nursing to deputy headship, consultancy and teacher training, I have seen my fair share of ‘bullying’. I have seen children (and adults) on both sides of the metaphorical fence and it has always sparked a curiosity. How, as human beings, can we be so ‘cruel’ to those around us? With so much pain and suffering shared historically, how have we not managed to push past this need to ‘hurt’ one another?

Bullying stands unwavering as an issue for our children and us adults.

With so much of it going unreported and unnoticed, I believe the reason for this is really quite simple. It is ‘normalised’ from a young age in different forms. We learn to practise ongoing ‘cruelty’ internally and the more pain we feel, the more pain is transferred to those around us as an attempt to lessen what we’re feeling - at least for a short time, until that urge, desire and overwhelming sense of emotion piles back up. Like everything, this is learned and developed as we grow, and although not all of us ‘bully’ others, we are all pushing that pain somewhere.

Surely, using our own metaphorical whipping stick falls under that definition of bullying and as a society, are we inadvertently encouraging bullying from within?

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?

Well, it starts with us. How often do we as adults give ourselves a compliment? Yes, I did say give ourselves a compliment… the chances are that this is never or not very often. We don’t tend to practise true internal kindness, let alone voice such kindness out loud for all to hear – for the shame of blowing our own trumpet, sadly.

We live in a world that suggests self-celebration, promotion and appreciation comes branded as boasting, being big headed, arrogant, and even vain. This notion that we are able to share our feelings of self-disappointment, annoyance and frustration leads us, as growing beings, to practise these accepted ‘norms’ both internally and externally.

So how do we work on this to make a change? Practising self-appreciation and feeling able to share that with others is a huge part of building confidence, self-esteem and inner happiness - which of course allows us to manage both internal and external worlds more effectively. It doesn’t mean that we do not notice when things are hard, or don’t go well - it simply allows us space to balance the 50/50 split that is life. It allows us to grow through our adversity and create new ideas through our fears rather than avoiding them.

We all have a huge part to play here. The breaking down and understanding of ‘social norms’, expectations, and the behaviours of those close to us are how we define and connect our internal and external worlds. Yes, a pang of

parental guilt is likely to occur for any parents here, as we reflect on and try to catch ourselves being human… what we do and say impacts our children whether we are intentional about it or not. I often support parents and practitioners in understanding the science behind behaviour with all of this in mind. With behaviour being communication, if we can learn the language we can truly make sustainable change - both for ourselves as adults and the children and young people around us for generations to come.

So, here are 4 things that you can do to support that ‘inner bully’ and build up that vulnerable part of us, so that not only do the words of others have little effect, but the words selected by our minds are more conscious and less ‘habitually cruel’.

1. PRACTISE GRATITUDE

Gratitude is such an important skill to develop, master and pass on. Not only does it create happiness and emotional balance, it also offers this to others. When we are truly grateful for something we can only feel that one emotion in that moment, it leaves no space for others to muscle in, and when we express true gratitude it is received in the same way. There really is a science behind it!

2. GIVE DAILY COMPLIMENTS

Complimenting is a great way to give yourself practice at inner and outer kindness. It allows us to break down barriers, feel confident and model the words that we want to hear, use and receive. Remember, giving a compliment can be done in so many ways, it can be tagged onto appreciation or out of the blue. Most of all it can be to anyone - including ourselves! Whether it is about what we see, hear, feel or achieve, a compliment can go a long way to making the changes we need to overcome both internal and external struggles.

3. CATCH YOUR WORDS

An activity I use that shines a light on our habits, what words do you say a lot? Catching the words that do not serve you and that ignite that inner burning can really help in making a shift. In order to move forwards in any journey we need to know where we are heading and from where we are coming from.

4. TURN EXPECTATIONS INTO APPRECIATIONS

Many ‘cruelnesses’ grow from the expectations placed on ourselves and others. What we expect them to wear, say and do impacts how we see each other and of course how we behave and communicate. If we can turn our expectations into appreciation, we no longer feel that desire to pass on pain and discomfort. We no longer have the desire to ‘bully’ as we are conscious of our thoughts and outcomes.

In November we celebrate anti-bullying week (Monday 14th - Friday 18th November) and the launch of our support sessions for parents, practitioners and young people. If you would like to work on your inner voice or need support in dealing with bullying from the external world, you can email us directly at spdtuitionandcoaching@gmail.com for more information.

Words By: Samantha Dholakia