FORMING RELATIONSHIPS BUILT ON:
TRUST RESPECT COMMUNICATION & EQUALITY
ZINE CREATED BY SURVIVOR ADVOCACY OUTREACH PROGRAM Some of this content in this zine has been adapted from the national resource, loveisrespect.org
Healthy relationships can all look different, but every healthy relationship is built on
respect trust communication & equality. Relationships that lack these values might be
[ unhealthy, draining, or even abusive [ so it’s important to learn what it really means to build a healthy relationship.
This zine will walk you through the key concepts of healthy relationships, as well as what to look out for as signs of dating abuse. Sometimes as a teen, you might feel like dating violence wouldn’t happen to you, you’re alone in your experience and there’s no one to talk to, or that unhealthy behaviors are OK because your partner says they love and care about you.
This zine is meant to debunk these myths, and to reassure you that you deserve healthy and caring relationships in every aspect of your life. If you think you might be in an unhealthy relationship, you can call our 24-hour hotline and talk to one of our trained advocates about what you’re experiencing. Our advocates can help you find resources in your community that may be helpful, and create a plan for keeping you safe.
Healthy Communication It’s important to have open and honest communication in all of your relationships, especially the ones that are romantic or intimate. For healthier communication, try using some of the following tips: Figure out the right times for having certain conversations. Appropriate times and places to speak your mind should be when you and your partner are calm and not distracted or in a rush. There should also be time for your partner to respond and express themselves in the same way you are able to. If you or your partner are especially busy, you might even try to agree upon a scheduled time so that the conversation doesn’t keep getting delayed or brushed off. Try to avoid having important conversations over the phone, over text, or online. Speaking face-to-face can help keep thoughts or reactions from being miscommunicated or misinterpreted. This can also help prioritize the conversation, and eliminate outside distractions. If you feel more comfortable writing your thoughts out over text because it feels easier than speaking your mind, try writing your thoughts out on paper ahead of time and reading them aloud to your partner instead.
Sometimes the truth can be hurtful, but it’s important in a healthy relationship to be honest with yourself and with your partner. Be open to admitting your mistakes, and focus on making apologies instead of excuses that invalidate your partner’s feelings. Remember, a healthy partner will
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consider, appreciate, and accept
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meaningful apologies in their own time just like you would if your partner unintentionally hurt your feelings. On the other hand, an unhealthy partner might only make excuses for their actions, while demanding apologies for yours. There is a difference between these two types of behaviors, and if it feels like the difference is too blurry it might be time to have a serious conversation with your partner or seeking out support from a trusted adult.
Focus on your word choice because even when we mean well, some things might come across harsher than we originally intended. Try using “I” and “we” language; using “you” can sound like you’re attacking or blaming your partner which may result in them feeling defensive, hurt, or make them less receptive to what you’re trying to communicate.
Show your partner you respect their thoughts and feelings by actively listening to what they have to say. Give them your full attention, and check your body language by facing them and making eye contact when they speak. Avoid texting, playing video games, or allowing other things to distract you while they are expressing themselves. If you are not able to limit external distractions, work together to figure out a time where you can listen to each other effectively and respectfully.
If your partner does something that makes you feel hurt or angry, it’s important to communicate your feelings; however, you don’t have to bring it up right away. Try waiting 48-hours, taking your mind off of what happened, and then revisiting it. If it’s still bothering you at that point, say something. If it’s not, consider letting it go. But remember, your partner has no way of knowing what you’re thinking or feeling if you don’t share it with them. If you decide to forget about it or your partner sincerely apologizes once you bring it up, let it go. Holding grudges or bringing it up in the future can be harmful and hurtful.
It’s okay to get angry in a relationship--it happens to everyone at some point and it can be unhealthy to try and control all of your emotions. What’s more important than avoiding anger is to resolve conflicts in a healthy and respectful way. This includes stopping to take a deep breath, and maybe stepping away from the conversation for a little while. Reflect on what made you so angry, figure out the real problem, and think about how you can respectfully express your feelings. Talk to your partner once you’re ready, and don’t shut down or explode if they don’t see where you’re coming from at first. It’s okay to not always see eye-to-eye and disagree in a healthy relationship. However, it’s not okay for a partner to invalidate your feelings, tell you you’re overreacting when you’re upset, or get angry at you for expressing your own anger. It is also important to communicate with your partner on how you physically interact with each other. No matter what songs and movies tell you, it is impossible to know exactly what your partner is thinking or how they are comfortable being touched based on the look they have in their eye. In order to feel safe with a partner, communicate with each other about how and when you like to be touched. This conversation needs to happen continuously because answers can be different depending on where you are, what mood you are in, and many other factors. These conversations can be a little awkward at first, but communicating about what your wants and needs are makes sure everyone is feeling safe and having fun!
MUTUAL TRUST Trust is at the foundation of every healthy relationship because it’s necessary for setting and respecting boundaries. It also allows you both to flourish in aspects of your lives outside of just the relationship. Trusting someone means thinking someone is reliable, and being confident that you can be physically and emotionally safe with them. Trust is something that takes time to build together, and you cannot demand or prove it. This section includes things to keep in mind about building mutual trust in relationship. Building trust happens gradually. It can be difficult to figure out the degree of trust in a new relationship, so it’s important to trust your instincts about another person and their behaviors over time. Trust can’t be built if one partner is willing and able to be open and vulnerable while the other isn’t. Building trust is a mutual commitment, and it is on both partners to help each other feel safe and secure. Being emotionally trustworthy includes actively listening to your partner, respecting their feelings, being sensitive to their problems and worries, and showing compassion and genuine care for one another.
Being physically trustworthy means that no matter what comes up, you can trust that your partner won’t react in a way that harms you or threatens to harm your physical safety. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship with someone who can resolve conflicts in a
[ healthy, respectful, and non-violent way [ Building trust also includes being consistent, and following through on their words and feelings. Saying one thing and doing another makes it really difficult for mutual trust to develop. For example, if someone says they love you and then acts abusively toward you, their words and actions aren’t consistent. When you love someone, you do not abuse them. If someone (a partner, friend, family member, etc.) has broken your trust in the past, it’s understandable that you might have a difficult time opening up to another person or trusting a new partner. However, try to remind yourself that your new partner is not the person that broke your trust, and it can be unfair to treat them as so. Even if you have been hurt before, it is not okay for you to limit their actions, to demand they check in, or ask them to prove their trustworthiness. These can all be unhealthy behaviors, so if you feel like you need more time to heal since your trust was broken, it might not be the right time for you to be in a dating relationship.
SETTING & RESPECTING BOUNDARIES Setting boundaries in relationships, especially your intimate relationships, is a very important part of building trust and respect. Whether it’s someone you are casually hooking up with, or someone you’ve been dating for a while, having open conversations about what each of you are comfortable with is vital to a healthy relationship. This includes your goals, your worries, your physical limits, and what you are looking for in an emotional commitment. It is okay for your boundaries to change or develop at any time, and your partner should be open to talking when they do. It is important that you are able to be honest about what you are and are not comfortable with; if your partner makes you feel otherwise, then they are not showing you the care and respect you deserve.
PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES Setting physical boundaries about what types of intimacy you’re comfortable with is really important to making sure your relationship is safe and healthy. Remember that consent is an ongoing process, and should be an open, calm, and honest conversation between you and your partner. Your partner should be respectful, mindful, and excited about your physical and sexual boundaries no matter what they look like. Some examples of physical boundaries that might be important for you and your partner to talk about include:
Going at your own pace. Whatever you are comfortable with is totally okay to be comfortable with. Getting physical with your partner doesn’t have to happen all at once (or at all) if that is not what you are ready for.
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Remember, consent is necessary whether it is your first time hooking up, or if you have been in a long-term relationship.
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It is always okay to say no, even if it is something you have said yes to before. There is no rulebook that says when you should start having sex or what types of sex you should be having--only you and your partner can decide when and what is okay.
Sex is not currency. It is not okay for your partner to pressure you or guilt you into having sex. Doing something nice for you like buying a special gift or going out to dinner never means that you owe that person sex. Additionally, you should not have to have sex in order to keep your partner. It is not okay for your partner to expect sex because they say “I love you,” or for them to question your feelings because you say no. A healthy partner will treat you well because they care about you and your boundaries, not because they want you to do something you’re not comfortable with.
EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
Though sometimes we might think of boundaries as only physical, emotional boundaries are really important for maintaining a healthy and safe relationship that doesn’t exhaust or drain you. Some examples of boundaries that might be important for you and your partner to talk about include:
Saying “I love you.” It is totally normal and okay for people to fall in love with each other at different paces. If your partner tells you they love you, you shouldn’t feel pressured to say it back if that is not how you feel. Instead, tell them how it makes you feel, and explain some of your goals for the relationship to them. If your partner really does love you, they will not be angry with you or make you feel guilty for being honest about your feelings. Spending time together. Caring about your partner means caring about their commitments, goals, and activities. Being in a new relationship can be super exciting, but it’s important that both of you take time for your own interests without feeling guilty for doing so. Similarly, both of you should feel free to hang out with your own friends, regardless of any gender. It is healthy to take time for yourself, to spend time with your family, and to make sure you have time to stay on top of your school or work.
D I G I TA L B O U N D A R I E S
Setting digital boundaries is just as important as setting physical and emotional boundaries. What are your rules for posting and interacting on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat? Some examples of digital boundaries that might be important for you and your partner to talk about include:
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Do we post our relationship status? Is it okay for my partner to follow my friends? When is it okay to text me, how often should we be texting, and what is the expectation for returning texts? Is it okay to use each other’s devices? Is it okay to publicly post, tweet, or upload pictures about our relationship?
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When figuring out a digital dating agreement, it’s also important to consider keeping passwords private. Even if you trust your partner, it might not be the best idea to share online or phone passwords. It is okay for you to keep certain things private, and it is not okay for your partner to track who you talk to or what you post without your permission. Photos and sexting. Just like in-person boundaries, you should also talk about what you’re comfortable with sending via text message. Even if you trust your partner, it’s important to remember that once you press send on a photo or text, you lose control over who sees it. It’s not okay for someone to send you photos that you don’t say yes to, or for someone to get angry at you for not wanting to send them photos or sexts. A part of respecting these kinds of boundaries is keeping private things private. It is never okay to share a photo or sext someone sends you in confidence with your friends. (Remember, it is illegal to distribute nude photos or videos even if that person willingly sent them to you.)
WARNING SIGNS O F A N U N H E A LT H Y R E L AT I O N S H I P This zine has looked at all of the key concepts that are important to building healthy relationships. Similar to healthy relationships, unhealthy relationships all look different. Dating abuse can comein many forms, including
physical, emotional, sexual, digital, financial. It is also likely that your partner might use a combination of these to hurt you, put you down, or control you. Your partner might be demonstrating unhealthy behaviors if they get upset because: You went to basketball practice instead of spending time with them They checked your phone and didn’t like the texts or calls you received You’re just hanging out with friends but they think you’re cheating You’re trying to study but they want to talk You’re not ready to have sex These are just a few signs of unhealthy or abusive behaviors. If you are experiencing any of these, or think you might be in an unhealthy relationship, call our 24-hour hotline to speak with an advocate about what might be the next best steps for you.
WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS EXPERIENCING ABUSE LISTEN Stop what you’re doing and show them you appreciate that they trust you with this information by actively listening. BELIEVE Believe them. Too often in our culture we are taught to question someone when they confide in us about abuse. It causes more trauma when someone we trust does this, so if someone you trust comes to you don’t question them by asking things like “Did that really happen,” “What were you wearing,” or “Are they really the type of person who would do that? VALIDATE
Validate them by letting them know you are sorry this has happened and that it is ok to be upset, hurt, or angry. REFER Refer them to a resource like the Survivor Advocacy Outreach Program because we have trained advocates available 24-hours a day, 7 days a week.
SURVIVOR ADVOCACY OUTREACH PROGRAM Our mission is to create a safe community where victims and survivors of sexual assault, sexual abuse, stalking, and domestic/dating violence are thoroughly respected and supported. We work to engage the community through prevention, advocacy, and education. We strive to end interpersonal violence in all of its forms, and to provide and coordinate resources that foster healing and promote empowerment for victims, survivors, and communities of Southeastern Ohio.
24-hour Crisis Hotline: (888) 597-SAOP (7267) Office Phone Number: (740) 591-4266 77 East State Street Athens, OH 45701 www.saopseoh.org saopseoh@gmail.com Facebook: SAOPseoh Twitter: saopseoh SAOP is funded by grants including the Rape Crisis Fund and Victims of Crime Act (VOCA) funding awarded by the Office for Victims of Crime, through the Ohio Attorney General’s Office. Victims of federal crime will be served through SAOP services.