THE SURVIVOR ANTHOLOGY
THE SURVIVOR ANTHOLOGY THE VOICES OF SURVIVORS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, RELATIONSHIP ABUSE & SEXUAL ASSAULT AND ALLIES, ADVOCATES & ACTIVE BYSTANDERS
A Letter from the Executive Board Dear Reader,
THE SURVIVOR ANTHOLOGY EXECUTIVE BOARD 2016-17
Co-President Co-President Submissions Manager Treasurer Treasurer Advertising Manager Advertising Manager Advertising Manager Secretary Public Relations Chair Outreach Liaison Layout Editor Advisor Advisor
Sonia Ghura Carli Kovel Clare Elizabeth Fogarty Paulina Bahary Yuan Li Monica Schweizer Tico Han Rusha Naik Eddie Park Alexis Sutton Sarah Uh Allison Lin Wanda Swan Christine Ristaino
Welcome to the first volume of The Survivor Anthology. We are a brand new publication compiling the writing and artwork of survivors of relationship abuse, domestic violence, and sexual assault created in response to their individual experiences. We also accept and encourage pieces from allies, advocates, and active bystanders who have dedicated their time and resources to helping survivors. Approximately 1 in 4 women and 1 in 33 men will experience sexual assault during their college careers, while transgender and gender nonconforming students experience sexual assault at disproportionately high rates. Clearly, sexual assault and related issues are extremely prevalent on campuses. We want The Survivor Anthology to help address this reality by raising awareness and also providing an opportunity for empowering creative expression. The Survivor Anthology is meant to be a platform where all survivors and allies feel comfortable sharing their work if they wish to do so. Therefore, our goal is to accept every submission we receive, and all pieces are published anonymously with no identifying information. Please understand and respect that all the work in this anthology is inspired by real occurrences that encompass a wide range of experiences and emotions. If you feel triggered or need assistance, please see our resources guide on page 32. It has been an honor and a privilege to gather many voices and perspectives from survivors and allies in this anthology, and we could not have done so without a great deal of support. We would like to thank our contributors for sharing their powerful work and making The Survivor Anthology possible. We would also like to thank Wanda Swan and Christine Ristaino, our wonderful advisors, who have unwaveringly supported us throughout this publication’s first year of existence. Finally, we would like to thank you, our readers, for your interest in supporting survivors. We hope you find this publication informative, relevant, and deeply meaningful. Sincerely, The Survivor Anthology Executive Board
4
5
DISCLAIMER
While all submissions are from Emory community members, including students, faculty, and staff, they are not necessarily about events that occurred on our campus. Please note that all names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of contributors and other individuals.
6
TRIGGER WARNING
Please be aware that the pieces in this anthology are inspired by real lived events, and thus they depict a wide range of experiences and emotions. As such, some works might be triggering for survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, relationship abuse, and related forms of interpersonal violence, such as physical, verbal, or psychological abuse and stalking.
7
Table of Contents Quicksand all i can remember from that night Invasive Species The Green, the Black Mirror Grief A Loss of Control Self-Transformation Flutter The Objectification of the Feminine Body Blooming
8
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20-21 22-29
9
Quicksand
It didn’t hit her like a ton of bricks or a slam into her like a yellow school bus. Instead, it grabbed onto her ankles and pulled her slowly down. She could feel herself sinking, and she desperately tried to grab onto him, hoping that he could pull her up, keep her from falling. But he had created the sinkhole in the first place; under the cover of darkness so she couldn’t see.
10
11
all i can remember from that night
12
it’s so beautiful when he stops time stops everything stops and i’m alone alone alone and i can hear my heartbeat a peculiar rhythm stuttering, afraid but this is my moment of calm pain doesn’t exist he doesn’t exist i close my eyes the darkness helps to pretend to forget that i am alone with him
Invasive Species
He was some sort of parasitic vine Sprouted up from the ground beneath her feet Very slowly, the plant slithered up the back of her leg And over her thigh And around her pelvis Until it reached the small of her back She stood very still as it happened Not wanting to risk moving Risk killing the one beautiful but delicate flower That was barely hanging on Delicately, almost undetectably, the vine pierced through her skin Intertwined with her fragile spine Wrapping around each vertebra as it grew past Over time, it burrowed into the bony column itself Fusing with her spinal cord Her nervous system was slowly brought under his control Her mind still her own, but somehow unable To act on any signal she tried to send to rest of her body So they remained together And she remained weak
13
The Green, the Black
Undulating bodies and Rolling heads
That lie atop the Green Grass that has been Home to Kicked soccer balls and Crushed cans once filled with Natty Light. This yard, this Green Has seen a boyhood Almost complete. And now, Somehow, I, too, Lie atop the Green. Am I to glean that I’m part of the boyhood this grass has seen? I feel Kicked like the ball and Crushed like the can. Green then Black, and Black then Green. From these flashes I know He did demean Me. I’m sure he saw me Like I saw the grass That night: Green. Ripe with possibility, Ripe for the taking, Just part of his boyhood dream. And long after he’s done I still Reach To pull That grass That Green Out of my hair Out of me.
Mirror
Gaunt lighting Speckled mirror Cold water Hits my face Wake up Wake up My eyes meet But there is no recognition Numb Still Dreams But every time I close my eyes Panic Engulfs and consumes I remember I want to forget I want to forget Vulnerability Blurry daze Pain and shock Waiting for it to stop Denial Anger Sadness Waves Close My Mind Escape. Look At me Looking back at me.
But all I see is Black: The long hair strands slipping through my fingers, Then the darkness behind my closed eyes.
14
15
Grief
I was in college, out for a drink with Sue. She was on the swim team with me, but I didn’t know her well yet. It was mid-swim season and the New York weather was cold and snowy. As Sue and I left the bar, the wind whipped the back of my neck. The house where I lived was a mile down the road, but Sue’s room was only a block away. “Let’s go to my dorm,” she said. Sue and I ran as the wind seeped through our clothes, touching every part of us. We could see her building in the distance— institutional, pink, familiar. The hot air hit us as we entered. Our cheeks reddened. We walked into Sue’s room, took off our coats, threw them onto a chair, and sat on her bed until heat moved into our bodies. The room spun. This was five months after I had been raped. I had not told anybody. I leaned my head back onto her pillow and looked up at the low ceiling. I began to talk about the rape and what it had forced me to remember. For most of my life I had ignored this event, pretended the day I had been molested had never happened. Sobs moved up my throat, filling the room with grief, rolling out of me in waves, one after the other. The next morning I woke, covered by a fuzzy blanket, Sue asleep next to me, her arm on my shoulder.
A Loss of Control
As I sink into the depths of my being, I shut my eyes as tightly as they will close. What has lasted only less than a minute feels like an eternity. My body is limp. I open my mouth to scream but only the tone of a whisper is enunciated. One question rings aloud throughout my thoughts:
I never thought it would happen like this. A stranger. The backseat of his car. The pain. My consciousness quickly fades to numbness as his presence ceases to diminish. My energy is now being exhausted on just making it through this. When he stops, I struggle to comprehend what happened. Attempting to take control, I convince myself that this was all my choice. That I was in control. That I am always in control.
But I knew none of those statements were true.
Even as I write this currently, I struggle to comprehend what exactly happened that night. Sometimes I still blame myself for what happened. And sometimes I just get angry.
16
When will it stop?
But there is nothing I can do to change that night.
17
Self-Transformation
i thought they loved me. i thought i needed them to love me. when they didn’t love me i thought i couldn’t love myself. I now know how very wrong I was.
18
19
The Objectification of the Feminine Body With these harsh standards, it is no wonder that women, and people in general, are sexually objectified.
20
Blooming A photo series of finding strength and healing through nature.
22
Acknowledgements We would like to express our gratitude to our advisors, Wanda Swan and Dr. Christine Ristaino for their unwavering support and help throughout the creation of this publication. Wanda Swan is the Director of The Respect Program: Emory’s center for interpersonal violence prevention and survivor support. Dr. Christine Ristaino is a Senior Lecturer in the Department of French and Italian Studies. She is also an advocate for violence prevention, diversity and equal rights. We would also like to give a special thanks to our contributors.
30
31
Resources On-Campus Resources
Off-Campus Resources
The Respect Program (404) 727-1514
Day League 24-hour confidential crisis line (404) 377-1428 Free counseling service (404) 377-1429
Emory Police Department (404) 727-6111 Title IX Coordinator for Students, Judith Pannell (404) 727-4079 jpanne2@emory.edu Student Health and Counseling Services (404) 727-7551 Counseling and Psychological Services (404) 727-7450 Emory University Hospital (404) 712-7021 Emory Helpline (404) 727-HELP (404) 727-4357 Sexual Assault Peer Advocates sapa.emorylife.org/advocates/
32
DeKalb Medical Center Emergency Department Ask to speak with a physician’s assistant (404) 501-5350 National Dating Abuse Helpline 24-hour confidential crisis line (866) 331-9474 Live online chat support (5pm-3am EST) loveisrespect.org RAINN Rape, Abuse, and Incest Hotline 24-hour confidential hotline (800) 656-HOPE 24-hour confidential online hotline ohl.rainn.org/online
Contact For more information about our organization, how to get involved, or how to submit work, please visit our website, contact us through social media, or send us an email. Website Email Facebook
www.survivoranthology.org emory.survivor.anthology@gmail.com facebook.com/survivoranthology
Promise Place Georgia 24-hour domestic violence hotline (800) 334-2836
33