‘THE SEVEN MUST HAVE SECRETS TO SUPER SELF ESTEEM’
By Susan Briggs Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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Copyright Š2010 by Susan Briggs. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, or to be sold or resold, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review. Limit of Liability / Disclaimer of Warranty: While the author has used her best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. There are no warranties which extend beyond the descriptions contained in this paragraph. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not apply or be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. The accuracy and completeness of the information provided herein and the opinions stated herein are not guaranteed or warranted to produce any particular results and the advice and strategies contained herein are not suitable for every individual. This publication is designed to provide information with regard to the subject matter covered. The author shall be liable for any loss or loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.
Visit the web site: www.yesucan4women.com.au
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TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction
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Chapter 1 Examine your thoughts and feelings
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Chapter 2 How much do you value yourself?
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Chapter 3 Celebrate and Congratulate
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Chapter 4 Know your values
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Chapter 5 Positive self talk and limiting beliefs
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Chapter 6 Set goals and take action
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Chapter 7 How to obtain self love, self respect, self worth, self regard and self integrity! About the Author
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‘THE SEVEN MUST HAVE SECRETS TO SUPER SELF ESTEEM’ INTRODUCTION It has been discussed and agreed upon by many that the most important element in a healthy, happy, successful person is high self esteem. People who possess high levels of self esteem have the enviable ability to handle any disappointments, negativity or road blocks in life with ease. High self esteem also allows a person to perform successfully at school, work and in personal relationships.
So what exactly is self esteem? Self esteem is an appraisal of your ‘self’ by yourself. It is an appraisal of your worth and it incorporates your beliefs, your emotions and your behaviours. Self esteem is based on how much you value yourself, how much you respect others and how much others respect you. Self esteem is your opinion of yourself. Your self esteem will either propel you forward in life or hold you back. Which would you prefer?
To a person with high self esteem, conflict, challenges and difficulties are seen as learning opportunities and a chance to grow and improve whereas people with low self esteem are affected in the reverse. A person with low self esteem will Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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generally view conflict, challenges or difficulties as proof that they have failed and they will inevitably give up. Low self esteem affects our ability to rise above, like the phoenix from the ashes, and it prevents us from seeing the gold that can be mined from the difficulties and challenges. A person with low self esteem will not have the confidence in themselves, or the belief, that they can find a solution so they will avoid confronting their problems. A person with low self esteem will hear their inner critic loud and clear and will allow this screaming inner critic to interfere with anything they wish to achieve in life. Negative self talk is a good friend to the person with low self esteem and it is known to affect a person’s state of mind. Depression (excluding clinical), anxiety, lack of motivation, fatigue, lack of energy, weight issues, mood swings, anger and frustration are just some of the afflictions that come with low self esteem.
There is still not enough emphasis placed on the importance of high self esteem in our society. If we taught self esteem to our children via the education system and, supplied parents with the necessary information and tools to support their children, then we could very well create a generation of healthy, happy, successful individuals who were self assured, confident and thrived on challenges and setbacks. What a concept!
The issue of self esteem however needs to start with the individual. We all deserve to be shown the ways to achieve high self esteem and we all deserve to get the most out of our life on this earth. Once we are aware of, and know what is required to obtain high self esteem, we can then begin to move on with our
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lives in a positive way and start setting goals to enable us to get to where we want to be.
From the day we are born to the day we pass on there will always be setbacks, challenges and difficulties in our lives and there will always be people to bring us down and test our levels of self esteem. There are many who contribute to our upbringing other than our parents, such as carers, teachers, sporting coaches, classmates and friends and these individuals will impact our life for the better and for the worse. As children we are taught to conform to the ways of our society. We are not allowed to develop our personalities all on our own. From the day we are born, and as soon as we are able, we begin to take on the beliefs of others and are influenced in many ways.
This period from 0-7 is known as the ‘Imprint period’ and it is during this time that we form 80% of our beliefs. At this age we are like sponges and depending on whatever beliefs we take on and whatever experiences we encounter we will either add to our self esteem bank or take away from it. It has been said that when we form a belief about something, we then search for evidence to back up our belief. For example, the child who believes they are bad at maths will turn this belief into a reality by focusing on any mistakes they make and by exaggerating the consequences of their errors. We also teach others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. If we are always putting ourselves down for example, others will generally be more than happy to join in. There are many ways in which we are not taught how to develop high self esteem and it’s a known fact that a parent who suffers from low self esteem will not be able to Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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raise a child with high self esteem. They will simply not know how. We all do the best we can with the resources we have available and even the most well intentioned parent could very well damage their child’s self esteem with harsh criticism, over control, lack of emotional support, over protectiveness, inappropriate expectations and lack of proper modelling. We normally parent our children in a similar way to how we were parented purely because we lack the awareness. We can only teach what we know ourselves therefore the secret is to be aware.
Awareness is half the battle solved. Once we know how we affect our child’s, or our own self esteem, we can then begin to make the necessary changes to reverse the damage. It is up to us alone, as an individual, to rebuild our self esteem and it can take a great deal of effort, however the gift of high self esteem is the greatest gift we could give ourselves, and our children, therefore the effort is definitely worth it. Firstly, we need to realise and accept that we are 100% accountable for our thoughts, our feelings and our actions. No one else can make us feel sad, happy, fearful or nervous and the sooner we get this the sooner we get our power back. The minute you begin to blame someone else for the way you are feeling or the way you acted you are giving your power away.
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You will be giving your power away to that someone else. Learn the art of controlling your emotions and start taking responsibility for your actions. When you achieve this your power will remain intact. High self esteem brings confidence and with confidence comes inspiration. With inspiration comes motivation and with motivation comes success.
Over the next seven chapters I will be taking you through ways to raise your awareness and your self esteem. You will learn how to empower yourself and move forward in life.
Remember it’s a journey of discovery and adventure so enjoy it. Have fun learning about who you really are and be prepared to put in the effort because the rewards you reap will be priceless.
"“It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome.” – William James
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CHAPTER ONE - Examine your feelings and thoughts
You can easily gauge where you’re at with your self esteem by examining how you are feeling and what you are thinking on a regular basis. Your feelings and thoughts hold the key to greater self esteem therefore it is a great place to begin your journey.
Learn to check in with yourself as often as possible or, whenever you feel a shift or a change. Listen to what you are telling yourself and begin to monitor the thoughts that are running through your head. Remember that positive thoughts lead to action and negative thoughts lead to re-action. If you are continually coming from a negative mindset then you will more than likely create a reaction to an event or person that is disempowering and only results in draining your energy levels and taking your power away. A negative mindset will cause anxiety, sadness, guilt and depression. The other side of the coin is when you come from a positive mindset. When you are in this state you will take action, achieve your outcomes and regard yourself and others in a more positive way.
We literally have thousands upon thousands of thoughts running through our heads every day and often we are unaware of what we are thinking. The secret is to teach yourself to tune into your thoughts and train yourself to monitor what is going through your head. Once you have mastered this you will easily be able to stop a negative thought in mid stride and either delete it or, better still, replace it with a positive thought. I will go into more detail about this is chapters 4 & 5.
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Your thoughts will affect you in many ways therefore it is important to recognise them and pay close attention to what they are revealing about you. Our thoughts do serve a purpose as they remind us constantly of what is good and what is not so good in our lives. They allow us an opportunity to choose and we do actually have a choice about what we think and how we act and feel. What we choose will determine our results.
‘Weak thoughts fill your heart with questions instead of making you happy hearted’
Your feelings go hand in hand with your thoughts. Take a few moments and notice how you are feeling. Notice also, what you are thinking and ask yourself if what you were thinking matches what you were feeling. What did you observe? Were you feeling nervous, excited, relaxed or light and happy? Were you thinking about an event or situation that was causing you to feel this way? Or were you reacting to your environment or to those around you. Learn to take a few moments throughout your day to get in touch with yourself and really listen and feel what is going on inside of you. After a
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while you will notice a pattern emerging which will allow you to get to know yourself on another level and will give you an indication of where you are at.
Start to live in the ‘now.’ Try not to dwell too much on the past and try not to look too far ahead into the future. The past is the past and you cannot change it. Focus mainly on what is happening right now. You are robbing yourself by living too much in the past or in the future. We have no influence over either so make the most of what you have and what you are experiencing right now because you will never get that moment again. Yes, it is important to plan ahead or to plan for the future however, the danger comes when you begin to put things off because you are waiting for that right moment and yes, the past has its place also, especially if you reflect on your successes and happy times and not your mistakes or perceived failures. Live for now and if you need inspiration or something to strive for by all means take a trip back or forward in time. Use it only to serve and support you as this will go a long way towards getting the life you desire.
‘Think only of the best, to work only for the best and expect only the best. You deserve nothing less’
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CHAPTER TWO – How much do you value yourself?
Self esteem incorporates your ‘self’ worth and your ‘self’ worth is all about how much you value yourself and how much you love and respect yourself. When you are able to place a high value on yourself and see yourself as worthy you will know that you deserve the best and possess great merit. Self worth is what you are born with. It can never be taken away from you and you can’t lose it, however you can forget it. Learn to reconnect with what you were born with and learn once again to believe in yourself. It is vital to recognise your ‘self’ worth and, to understand your true value. Your survival and sense of well being depend on it.
You must love and value yourself before you can love and value others. Learn to take pride in your achievements and celebrate all your successes no matter how big or small. We are taught at an early age not to brag and, to show humility; however this can lead to us minimising our accomplishments and may cause us to: a) Not like ourselves and b) To tell ourselves that we don’t deserve anything good.
As a result of this our self esteem suffers and self worth is forgotten.
We live in times of great obsession. We can often become fixated or obsessed with how we look or what defects we think we have. The media saturates the market with thin gorgeous looking women and celebrities, both on television, and Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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in magazines. They are always promoting the celebrity diets in a ‘secrets exposed’ way and hey what about that amazing piece of exercise equipment that will guarantee to get you that flat toned tummy in 7 days or your money back! Pleeaase!! Aargh!! Don’t fall for it. Practice setting your own standards. Misconceptions to outside and inside influences can render us helpless. Take your power back and hold onto it always.
Begin by asking yourself these questions;
• What principles do I live by? •
How much do I consider myself to be worth?
• Do I love and respect myself? • Do I take pride in my achievements? • Am I comfortable with who I am? • What outside influences are affecting my worth? • When I judge myself, as we all do, how do I measure up? • What do I feel I have of value to offer the world and is that offer given the validity, value and respect it deserves?
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When you are able to place a high value on yourself and see yourself as being worthy of great things you will hold yourself to a higher standard without any effort. Our self worth is derived through our actions and achievements.
Take a moment and think about what you have already achieved and again ask yourself;
• How was I acting at the time and what was required of me? • How did I feel about my achievement? • What state of mind was I in? Was I in a state of empowerment and certainty or was I in a state of uncertainty, secretly hoping, wishing and praying for it all to turn out ok?
Now take a moment and think about something you want to achieve in the future. Who do you need to be and how do you have to act in order to be successful in this endeavour. What would you or could you do differently to last time? Self worth is based on our feelings and how we perceive ourselves. This can be evident in our skills, our financial position, our achievements, our status and our physical attributes. If we see ourselves as not measuring up we are taking away from our self worth. Do you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to others? Do you feel that others have more than you? Do you think that others are more intelligent, more capable, more confident, more, more, more…………………..?
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Nothing takes away from our self worth faster than anger, regret or fear. When you compare yourself to others you are setting yourself up for a fall. You will never achieve what you want in life if you are constantly comparing yourself with others. It’s not possible.
Real self worth is all internal. It comes from realising the true source of your usefulness and value. When you are able to come from this place then any outside influences will be unable to harm your level of self worth. No one will be able to touch it and it will remain intact. Be true to yourself and learn to realise your true potential. Know that it all comes from within and guard it with your life. You are bound to find yourself in situations that will cause your ‘self’ worth and your identity to be questioned, however if you are aware that the forces are external only, for example negative comments from others or hitting a stumbling block which is preventing you from progressing, then you will tend not to not take it on board and instead, will easily get over it, find a way to resolve it and move on. Always remember that you are unique and special in your own way. You have your own set of talents and abilities. Take the time to find out what they are and focus only on yourself and your greatness. Give yourself the greatest gift of all........................YOU!
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CHAPTER 3 – Celebrate and Congratulate
It is essential that you remember to celebrate any successes you may have no matter how big or small and to remember to congratulate yourself also. It’s not about bragging, it’s about anchoring yourself to the good feelings and creating a positive mindset. Don’t hold back. Go with whatever emotion you are feeling at the time. For instance if you have passed an exam and feel elated, go ahead and jump up and down, dance around, sing, laugh, share your joy with others and give them the gift of your amazing presence at this time. These types of emotions are infectious so go ahead, share them with others and enjoy them to the max. Use anything and everything you can to really revel in this moment. The more you do, the more you will anchor this memory and the easier it will be for you to call on these emotions at a later date when you may be feeling a bit low.
The more positive memories we create the more we have in our arsenal to choose from when times are tough. These memories, or experiences, are great to have as they can prove a useful tool when learning how to manage your state, or your emotions? For example, when feeling disempowered, simply call on your successes and happy memories. Imagine you have just been reprimanded by your boss or you have had an argument with your partner which has left you feeling upset. Choose to come from a positive state and try not to let it ruin your day. Try not to dwell on the negative feelings or emotions. Give yourself a bit of time to react and then simply act. Recall a great memory and let yourself bathe in all the good feelings, really soak in them and let them wash over you until you are left wondering why you felt upset in the first place. If you happen to find it Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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difficult recalling a memory, try smiling, even if it’s the absolute last thing you feel like doing. Force out a big huge smile and see what happens. Try it now if you want. By doing this, you will either remember a happy event or you will end up with the smile being natural and far from forced. By changing our physiology in this way we can change the way we are feeling. It’s neurologically impossible not to.
Spend ten or so minutes every month logging your achievements in a journal. Treat yourself to a special journal, one that reflects you, and start recording. You will find that this will help you to focus on the areas where you are improving and getting somewhere and, if you’re someone who likes instant results, or you struggle to maintain enthusiasm when working towards a distant goal or project, then this will help you to see what progress you are making and show you that your hard work is paying off.
Share you successes with others and make sure you recognise the success of others also. When someone you know achieves an outcome or has hit a milestone or whatever it may be, go out of your way to congratulate them and show them how happy you are for them. One of our six core needs is contribution. Fulfil your need for contribution by recognising others for their efforts and their accomplishments. It will go a long way towards rebuilding your self esteem and your ‘self’ worth. Notice how great it makes you feel and notice how the other person is feeling as you celebrate with them and contribute towards their happiness and self worth.
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Achievements and successes lead to happiness and excitement. If you feel something is missing in your life then do something every day that you love doing. Do whatever it is that makes your heart sing. Monitor the way you are feeling and listen to what you are telling yourself and others. Practice really getting in touch with yourself and practice the art of controlling your emotions. Your emotions don’t control you. You have the power to feel exactly how you want to at any given time. No one else can have an effect on your emotions if you are the one in control, the one in the driver’s seat. Be the driver of your own life, not the passenger!
‘Unless you change how you are, you will always have what you’ve got’ - Zig Ziglar
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CHAPTER 4 – Know your values
I cannot stress enough the importance of knowing your values. Values can be determined by what country we were brought up in or what religion we were brought up with. Values determine what we do and how we live our lives. If we know our values then we know ourselves. We will know what makes us tick and why we get upset over certain events. For example if one of your values was support, you would most definitely give support to others and you would also expect support back. If you were ever in a situation where you didn’t support someone or, you weren’t supported, you would more than likely become upset. When you go against your values you will know it. You may feel sad, angry, depressed or you may feel that something just doesn’t feel right. If you are aware of your values you can more closely monitor your emotions and feelings and this is paramount to high self esteem.
A values elicitation is probably one of the best gifts you can give yourself. If you would like to get in touch with me I can help you with this; susan@yesucan4women.com.au however if you would like to give it a go yourself you can log onto my website at www.yesucan4women.com.au and download the values worksheet from the ‘resources’ page.
It has been my experience with the client’s I have worked with on this, that a great deal of satisfaction and insight has been achieved from a values elicitation.
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When eliciting your values I found it helps to ask yourself these questions;
• How do I fill my space? • How do I spend my time? • How do I spend my energy? • How do I spend my money? • Where am I most disciplined/reliable/focused? • Where am I most organised? • What do I think about? • What do I visualise? • What do I talk to myself about? • What do I talk to others about? • What do I react to? • What are my goals? Do values change? • What creates my values in the first place?
When you have your list of values, and they could range from one or two to eleven or twelve (there is no limit) go back through the list one by one and for each value ask yourself “In the context of my life, why is this value important to me?” By doing this you will really get a feel for your values and where they need to be placed in order of importance. While doing this exercise you may decide to remove some of the original values you listed or you may decide to add more. This exercise cannot be done in five minutes. If you choose to do it yourself please allow as much time as possible and complete it in a place where there is Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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peace and quiet and where you won’t be interrupted. If possible choose a place that inspires you. For me it’s the ocean, for you it could be the garden in your own back yard or a special room inside of your home. Once you have made your first list, sit with it for a week or so and see how you feel about the values you initially listed. Do you live these values daily or are they values you would like to adopt. Values, like beliefs, can be changed, modified or deleted so have a play with it. Enjoy the process and see what comes up for you.
If possible have your partner or loved one/s work on eliciting their values also as this will give you each a better understanding of how the other operates and can only improve and enhance your relationship. It can really provide a unique insight and it’s something not a lot of people give consideration to so your relationship with your loved one/s and with yourself will already be streaks ahead of anyone else.
After completing your values elicitation fully, take the time to ask yourself how much you value yourself now. Has anything changed for you? Have you noticed a shift? What value do you now place on yourself? Is it any different from before? If you have noticed a change for the better, fantastic, if you haven’t noticed any change you will need to examine what it is that is preventing you from giving yourself a high value. What is your inner critic telling you? How much do negative comments affect you and how do you generally react to them? In the next chapter I will be covering negative self talk and limiting beliefs and giving you ways to reframe the negatives and turn them into positives.
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CHAPTER 5 – Practice Positive Self Talk and Reframe Limiting Beliefs
One of the biggest secrets to gaining high self esteem is in the way you talk to yourself. I’m convinced we are trained from an early age to use negative self talk. We were surrounded by it constantly when growing up. We only have to think back to what our parents used to say. Can you remember phrases like “I’m not made of money?” “No good will come of that” “The rich get richer and the poor get poorer” “All I’m good for is paying the bills” “She’s no oil painting” “There is never enough to go around” “Life wasn’t meant to be easy” and the list goes on. I’m sure you can think of some others too. This kind of language is extremely disempowering and needs to be stopped now.
Monitor closely what you say to yourself and what you say to others. Choose your words carefully and practice stopping the negative self talk. If you find yourself saying things like “I’ll never fit into that dress” or “I’m not clever enough to do that” or “Why does this always happen to me” stop yourself right now. Learn to reframe what you were starting to say and turn it into something positive like “I will look for another dress that suits me better” or “I will work out how to do that” or “This has happened to me for a reason and I have a lesson to learn.”
When having conversations with others, stop yourself mid sentence if you find your conversation leaning towards the negative, and rephrase what you were going to say. Generally most people won’t even notice this and, if they do, explain to them why you have done it. They will more than likely be very interested and want to know more. There is always a positive angle to be found if Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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you look hard enough. In time it will become second nature and you will find yourself coming from a positive mindset more often. Another excellent reframe that I say to myself constantly, if I am finding something hard is to tell myself that it isn’t hard it is unfamiliar. Think about it. When we perceive something as being hard it is usually because we haven’t done it before or we haven’t done it often enough, therefore it is unfamiliar. By changing ‘hard’ to ‘unfamiliar’ you will notice yourself looking at whatever it is in a totally different way and will be less inclined to give up. It will give you a different feeling and a different outlook.
Like anything, if you are an avid user of negative self talk then you won’t be able to change fully overnight. Remember to be patient with yourself and if you find yourself slipping, check in and change what you are saying or telling yourself. As I mentioned earlier having the awareness is half the battle won. Congratulate yourself every time you notice that you are aware of your negative self talk. Be kind to yourself always.
One of the strategies I implemented when learning positive self talk was to use affirmations. For those of you who are unaware of what affirmations are, they are best described as elegant, evocative words that enable us to initiate positive goals for inner development. The word ‘affirmation’ suggests it is a process for becoming ‘firm’ or ‘strong’ in your internal structure. Therefore affirmations are a great way to help you with your positive self talk and to help you move towards your goal. I have for years had affirmations placed all over my house. On my bedroom mirror, bathroom mirror, fridge, computer desktop, notice board in fact all over the place. Every day I cannot help but see them, and read them, Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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especially the ones on my mirror. Start with a few for yourself. You can make up your own or take on ones that others have written. I have listed a few below to help get you going.
• ‘When I believe in myself, so do others’ • ‘I express my needs and feelings’ • ‘I am my own unique self – special, creative and wonderful’
Walking side by side with negative talk is our limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are those beliefs we have that don’t serve us or support us and only succeed in holding us back from achieving and prevent us from being true to ourselves. Our limiting beliefs are generally formed in our childhood years and evolve from experiences or situations we were subjected to. In order to help you to understand this better I will give you an example from my childhood if that’s ok.
Back when I was about six years of age I was asked by my primary school teacher to bring something to talk about the next day. As I happened to be a kid that was shy and reserved, just this alone was enough for me to feel fear and apprehension however; I always did as I was told! Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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The next day I brought in my stuffed lamb. My absolute favourite toy, that went with me everywhere. He was my best friend and had seen better days. After morning recess I was quietly sitting at the back of the class working away when the teacher called my name. I had to walk right past everyone to the front of the class however, when it came time to speak nothing came out. I had literally frozen with fear and had turned bright red. The rest of the class started laughing and the teacher told me to sit down. I wasn’t coping all that well so sat down right where I was in front of the blackboard. This made my situation even worse and by the time I realised what I had done the class was laughing even louder and I ran back to my seat in tears.
I can still recall this day so vividly and it was only a few years ago that I discovered all the limiting beliefs I had taken from that situation and carried with me into adulthood. My limiting beliefs went like this;
• I always embarrass myself • I am no good at anything • My opinion doesn’t count • No one will listen to me • I am not important enough
I haven’t listed them all here as I’m sure you have the idea by now of what a limiting belief is and how they come about. For a long time I would agree with whatever anyone said to me as I believed my opinion didn’t count and I wasn’t important enough so I continually did as I was asked without ever questioning. I Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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would avoid putting myself in situations where I could fall prey to others ridicule and experience embarrassment.
It was so liberating and life changing to get right down to the core of my behaviour and then take the necessary steps to reframe these beliefs. My only regret is that I didn’t find out how to do this sooner. Your life will be very different once you learn to change the way you talk to yourself and the way you talk to others and, once you have identified your limiting beliefs. Please feel free to contact me if you would like assistance with this. Call me on 0430 118 733 or email me at susan@yesucan4women.com.au
Remember that any change takes courage, patience and time. I want to congratulate you first off for having the courage, patience and time to read this far. I know you are wondering about the effort all of this is going to take, and that’s perfectly normal. My advice to you is to do one thing at a time and master that one thing before moving on to the next. If you overload yourself then you will end up giving up and I want you to experience all the amazing opportunities that life has to offer. I want you to begin to know who you truly are. You have the power because you are no longer going to give it away!
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CHAPTER 6 – Set goals and take action!
A great way to assist in boosting your self esteem levels is to set yourself goals and then take the necessary steps to achieve them. It gives us a great feeling when we achieve and gives us a real sense of pride. Start now and set yourself some goals. They needn’t be big goals, in fact it may pay to set smaller goals to begin with as otherwise you may be setting yourself up for disappointment if they are too big, however make sure that your goal challenges you to some extent.
Decide what it is that you would like to achieve and then set out the steps you will need to take to move you in the right direction and get you your desired outcome. Goal setting is a detailed process and involves many things so I will endeavour to take you through it as much as possible. If you would like a copy of my DVD “How to create more success in your life” please email me susan@yesucan4women.com.au or log onto my website at www.yesucan4women.com.au This DVD will take you through a system for setting goals. EXERCISE
1. Gather up a pen and paper, an iPod with your favourite music, a glass of wine or, whatever you require to relax you and get you in the right frame of mind, and take all this to a place that inspires you. Think of your favourite place (for me it’s the ocean) for you it could be a park, the garden in your own back yard or a favourite room in your house.
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2. Sit down comfortably, take a few deep breaths and centre yourself. Feel yourself relaxing and when you are ready, start writing and brainstorming. Write down anything that comes into your head no matter how bazaar or way out it may seem.
3. Once you have finished your brainstorming exercise start to pick out ten of your favourites (if you have ten), then narrow it down to three and place the one of most importance at the top. This is the goal you will start with.
4. Take your number one goal and write at least seven actions you will take starting now. These actions could be as simple as making a phone call or researching on the net or reading a particular book. Anything to get you moving in the right direction. Keep taking action until you reach your outcome.
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5. Speaking of outcomes. It is really important to know your outcome well. Write down what your outcome will look like in great detail. Visualise it morning and night or whenever you are able and act it out in your head as often as possible. See yourself when you have achieved what you have set out to do, notice what you are feeling and notice what you are telling yourself and what others are saying. By doing this you are training your unconscious mind to take it on and will have set off your RAS (Reticular Activation System) and your unconscious mind will now be going in search of what you want. The other benefit of knowing your outcome inside out is that you are going to know exactly when you have reached your outcome.
6. Re-evaluate and reassess how you are going on a regular basis and, if necessary, make some adjustments. Practice being flexible and if something isn’t working then find another way until you discover something that does. Live and breathe your goal daily. Go to bed with it and wake up with it. Write yourself an affirmation about it. Do whatever it takes to achieve it.
"Goals. There's no telling what you can do when you get inspired by them. There's no telling what you can do when you believe in them. There's no telling what will happen when you act upon them.' - Jim Rohn
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There are many ways to implement goal setting and this is just one of them. However the ‘musts’ of goal setting remain the same.
• Set your goal • Take action • Re-evaluate and reassess • Know your outcome
If you would like a copy of my ‘goal setting worksheet’ please feel free to call me or drop me an email susan@yesucan4women.com.au
Notice how it feels to set the wheels in motion and start taking charge of your life. Notice what you are telling yourself and how you are acting. Notice that when you start to make progress you find yourself in a happier frame of mind and are more positive. Keep a journal and record your progress. Celebrate all your achievements, big or small.
Begin now to live the life you desire, it is never too late. Let me share with you a story I read recently about a women in her eighties who went back to university to finish her degree. She said and I quote;
“There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.”
“If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year, and don’t do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old.” Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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“If I am eighty seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything, I will turn eighty eight.”
“Anybody can grow older, that doesn’t take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change.”
“Have no regrets. The elderly usually don’t have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.”
These are the secrets to staying young, being happy and achieving success.
• Laugh and find humour in every day • Have a dream. When you lose your dreams you die. We have so many people walking round who are dead and don’t even know it. GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL!
This woman finished her degree at university and died peacefully in her sleep one week after graduation.
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Think about what you would like to have achieved by your 90th birthday. What do you want people to remember you for? Keep your eye on the goal and never give up. Make the decision now to turn your life around.
It is possible and it is within you.
"There are only two roads that lead to something like human happiness. They are marked by the words . . . love and achievement. . . . In order to be happy oneself it is necessary to make at least one other person happy. . . . The secret of human happiness is not in self-seeking but in self-forgetting." - Dr. Theodor Reik
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CHAPTER 7 – How to obtain self love, self respect, self worth, self regard and self integrity
I have chosen to finish off with an article I wrote a while back. I believe that these five qualities are essential in creating high self esteem and although we are all aware of them, more often than not, we are unsure how to reach them.
How do you love yourself?
Firstly don’t be too hard on yourself. Treat yourself as you would your loved ones or your best friend. You wouldn’t tell your loved ones or friends that they are stupid and useless would you. You wouldn’t tell them that they aren’t capable of achieving or that they are no good. Why is it then that we say these things to ourselves? Monitor your ‘self talk’ and when you find you are talking to yourself in a negative way, make a point of stopping in mid conversation and changing what you are saying. For instance, if you wish to put your name forward for a promotion but you hear yourself saying “I won’t get it because I am not capable of such a position, I don’t know enough and I can’t do some of the stuff involved.” Tell yourself instead; “I have worked hard and I deserve this promotion, I am worthy and if aspects of the job are unfamiliar, I will endeavor to learn what I don’t know.” Change your language at every opportunity and remember that what you focus on, you will get. Start now to focus on positives and on things you want to achieve in life. Get excited and develop passion! When you are coming from this space, others will notice and will react to you in a totally different way. Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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Lastly remember to be yourself. Don’t try to be someone you are not, just because you wish to please or be loved. Live with congruency and value yourself for who you are and what you do. Be kind to yourself.
‘Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true.’ - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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How do we gain self respect?
You gain self respect by loving yourself. When you respect yourself, you admire yourself for all your good qualities and achievements. You give yourself consideration and attention and you treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Think about how often you do this for yourself. List down 5 of your top achievements, they don’t have to be huge they could be as small as smiling at a stranger and giving them the gift of conversation. You would be surprised how such a small gesture will really make someone’s day. I remember standing in the checkout queue one day waiting for a young boy to count out all his change so he could purchase 2 litres of milk and a large bar of chocolate (now I’m sure we can all relate to how important chocolate is to a child, or to an adult for that matter!) Anyway the boy ended up being a couple of dollars short. He looked nervous and embarrassed so I handed the lady at the checkout a five dollar note, told her to pay for the goods and give the change back to the boy. His face changed from anxious to relieved and he gave me the biggest smile and thank you. All it cost me was $5.00 and wow it was worth it. I was on cloud nine for a long time after that and, even now, every time I think of it I smile and it gives me a good feeling. I made that boy’s day, he made mine, and it felt great. For me that was one of my top achievements and it didn’t take much. So you see, no matter how big or small, list your 5 top achievements and study them, remember them, remember how they made you feel, recall what you were thinking at the time and how others were reacting. What were you telling yourself? Really take the time to bask in the glory of your achievement and continue to tell yourself just how great you were or how great the experience was. This is how you gain self respect. Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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‘Do the kinds of things that come from your heart. When you do you won’t be dissatisfied, you won’t be envious, and you won’t be longing for someone else’s things. On the contrary, you’ll be overwhelmed with what comes back.’ - Morrie Schwartz
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How do we achieve self worth?
You achieve self worth when you love and respect yourself. When you are able to place a high value on yourself and see yourself as being useful and worthy of the effort and time it takes to achieve and get results. You hold yourself to a higher standard and believe, without a doubt, that you do deserve the best and you do have great merit. Self worth comes through action and achievements. If you have a goal that you wish to accomplish, take action and kick start the process now! Go ahead make the decision. Stop procrastinating. Start with taking baby steps to get you closer to your goal and after each baby step, congratulate yourself. As I firmly believe, and you have probably heard me say a number of times, happiness is progress. When you set the wheels in motion for something you have wanted to do, excitement builds and you will develop passion. It is important to celebrate your achievements no matter how big or how small for you are worth it! When you acknowledge your achievements you add to your self esteem and your ‘self’ worth. When you achieve you add to your ‘self’ respect. It all adds up.
‘Encouraged people achieve the best; dominated people achieve second best; neglected people achieve the least’ - Anonymous
Hang around people that are willing to support and encourage you. You are who you hang out with. Surround yourself with people who inspire you and people who challenge you. These kinds of people will help you to be the best you can be.
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How do we achieve self regard?
Look closely at yourself and take heed. Monitor all that you do. Ask yourself if it is something you want to do or something you feel you have to do.
Granted we all have to do certain things in life such as housekeeping, gardening, working etc but there are things that we don’t have to do. For instance, if a colleague or friend requests a favour, do you immediately jump to it and say yes because you feel you have to? These kinds of favours do not create good feelings within you. They only add to a feeling of resentment and when resentment builds we do not regard ourselves kindly especially if we end up exploding.
Learn how to say no. It is ok to say no. Practice saying no. It doesn’t have to be said in an unkind way. There are ways of saying no that will be respected and understood. Give time however for some to get used to the idea as initially it may be taken the wrong way, especially if they have been used to you dropping everything to attend to their needs. Be patient with them and try not to take any negative comments to heart. They may need time to think about what they perceive as rejection, however the more they see the new you, the quicker they will get used to the new you.
Continue to look closely at yourself and tune in to how you are feeling at any given time. Look closely at what makes you feel great, excited and passionate and notice what you are doing or telling yourself at the time. Continue to look closely
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at what makes you feel uncomfortable, upset or depressed and notice what is happening in your world then. ‘A heavy heart can never be strong.’ Hold yourself in high regard at all times.
‘Don’t be too squeamish or timid in your actions. All of life is an experiment.’ - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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How do we achieve self integrity?
Simply by being honest with ourselves, and with others, and by sticking with what we truly believe. If for example honesty is one of your core values, you would be losing your integrity by going against this value and being dishonest. Now, when I talk about honesty, I’m discounting those little untruths. It’s unrealistic to expect you not tell a few untruths or, little white lies, and I feel they do have their place in our society. We tend to tell untruths, for instance, to save someone from embarrassment or to help someone to feel better however, what I am talking about is real honesty. Think about it and choose to make honesty and sticking by your values, a necessary part of your character. You will have more respect, more love, more worth and more regard for yourself if you practice this. If you are unsure of what your values are, make a point of working them out because they will give you such a great insight into who you are and why you do what you do. One of my favourite aspects of what I do is helping others to work out their values. It really can be life changing and is very rewarding.
If you find yourself struggling from time to time, don’t be too hard on yourself. If you slip occasionally that’s ok. Awareness is the key and practice makes perfect. Just check in with yourself every time you slip and make a point of correcting yourself when able. With time it will become second nature. Decide now to become truthful, trustworthy and true to yourself. It will make a big difference in your life and the way you see yourself. ‘Decide on what you think is right and stick to it’ - George Elliot (1819-1880) Super Self Esteem from Yes U Can 4 Women
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SUMMARY
• Treat yourself well and with kindness • Make all self talk positive • Be yourself • Stop procrastinating and give your goals a kick start • Honour your achievements and be generous with yourself and others • Celebrate your achievements whether big or small • Learn to say no • Decide what gets you excited and passionate and what makes you feel great and do more of it • Decide what makes you feel uncomfortable, upset or depressed and do less of it • Practice being honest
‘A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song’ - Maya Angelou
In closing, I wish for you everything you desire. I sincerely hope that my e-book has given you an insight into how to obtain high self esteem for yourself and that it has given you some tools to help you to start living the life of your dreams. The life you deserve.
Remember…………………’Change isn’t by chance, it’s by choice’
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR Susan Briggs is the proud owner of ‘Yes U Can 4 Women.’ A business that was born from Susan’s desire to reach out and help as many women as possible to achieve the life they desire and the life they deserve. Susan grew up in a small town on the North Island of New Zealand and is the youngest of three. Although her life growing up was pretty normal and, she has some wonderful memories of her childhood, she was painfully shy. Susan’s teenage years were filled with experiences and situations that greatly affected and added to her low self esteem. Looking back Susan recalls events that could easily have been avoided had she had the confidence and self assurance to say ‘no.’ It was many years later that Susan finally decided ‘enough was enough!’ She knew that if she was to really enjoy life and, live with purpose and passion many changes had to occur. It has been an 11 year personal development journey that has taken many twists and turns. What Susan has learnt and is continuing to learn has been life changing and she is now at a stage in her life where her self esteem is high and life’s challenges are looked upon as great learning’s. From this space Susan has created her dream in ‘Yes U Can 4 Women’ and her goal in life now is to help you to get the most out of your life. Susan has experienced firsthand how very different life can be when you decide to rise above and take on the challenge to raise your levels of self esteem and master your confidence. It allows you the freedom to love who you are, to be true to yourself and to live the life that you deserve. It is never too late to start! susan@yesucan4women.com.au
www.yesucan4women.com.au
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