Civilized Living: Miss Manners

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We often host friends and family for overnight visits. Before departing, some of our guests take it upon themselves to strip their beds and take their linens to the laundry room; some even start the washing machine. Of course we have never even hinted that this is expected, as it most certainly is not.

For me, it’s also absolutely unwanted. I find it insulting that they act as if we’re the kind of hosts that would expect them to do this. My wife disagrees and says they’re only trying to be helpful, but I wonder if they don’t trust us to wash the sheets between guests. I was always taught that while it’s important to be a gracious host, it’s also important to be a gracious guest.

GENTLE READER: How about teaching you not to presume unkind motives where none are intended? Your GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners explains this to you, are you going to use it as evidence that the entire field of etiquette — the whole paralegal system to regulate human social behavior at a tolerant level — is silly? Probably. Nevertheless, she will plunge ahead.

The idea is to avoid displaying things purely for show. Supposedly, you furnish your house for practical reasons -— which can include the pleasure you derive from non-utilitarian objects for their aesthetic or sentimental value. That is how you think of your family candelabra. Nevertheless, it is obviously a utilitarian object, the practical use of which you are ignoring. The candles, being there just for display, are a bit like the fancy guest towels that hosts resent their guests using. Burning the wicks suggests acknowledging their use, even if you do not continue to use them. Is failing to do so a high crime? Certainly not. Especially when compared to criticizing the decor in a house in which you are a guest.

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guests are merely trying to lessen your burden and pitch in — not to criticize your home care and hygiene.

Miss Manners will concede, however, that starting the washing machine without asking is an overstep. Proper overnight protocol is to strip the bed, put the bed cover back on it and put the folded sheets on top of the cover at the bottom of the bed. The trick is to fold them just nicely enough to look tidy, but not so neat that the host will mistake the set for clean ones -- and then unwittingly remake the bed with dirty sheets.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a lovely silver candelabra that is a family piece. I keep it on display on a sideboard in my dining room with white taper candles. It is purely decorative; I have never had the occasion to use it for its intended purpose. At a shower at my house, one of my friends took me aside to tell me that I was committing a decorating/etiquette faux pas by having unlit candles in the candelabra. She said that I should at least present the appearance that the candelabra was used if I were going to display it. I had never heard of this. Is she right? Do I need to light all of the candles, let them burn for a little while, and then blow them out? DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dear friend got married privately during the pandemic, and I gave her a monetary gift in recognition. Now, two years later, I will be attending the celebration of their wedding.

It’s still a wedding: I have to dress up as a bridesmaid, and there will be dinner, dancing and all. Do I need to provide another gift for her? Same amount? Or a small, physical gift instead?

GENTLE READER: If you wish, but it is not still a wedding. This couple is already married. There is nothing wrong with their tossing a party, but Miss Manners wishes that people would stop calling such celebrations “weddings” when they lack the key ingredient: a marriage ceremony.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A woman in my friend group has earned several advanced degrees and belongs to many prestigious academic and professional societies. I am bothered by the fact that she signs every email, even social ones, with her full name, followed by an alphabet soup of her degrees and affiliations. This strikes me as braggy and pretentious; do we really need to know her resume for the purpose of making brunch plans? I don’t wish to offend her by objecting to this, as she is perfectly nice and down-to-earth in person. But I’m sure I can’t be the only one feeling annoyed, and possibly belittled, by this practice. What does Miss Manners say?

GENTLE READER: That the lady must have trouble convincing people that she is educated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For my 78th birthday, one of my children sent me a birthday cake. The cake was maybe 50% icing with bits of sugar candy throughout. I know it was expensive because I saw it advertised. I have been a baker for 50 years and rarely make iced cakes. The cake was so sweet I couldn’t eat it. I didn’t know how to respond when they asked how I liked it, so I said, “What was it supposed to taste like?” What should I have said?

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