FEATURE
Beware the Lizardman SC’s cheap Bigfoot copy is kinda lame
In the dark and desolate forest of the Pacific NorthThe boy described a terrifying creature, and even west mountains, he stands. Fearless and terrifying, he drew a sketch of it upon request. Dear readers, I looms over you, with a heavy breath that blows into encourage you to be wary because the terror this your face like that leaf blower your dad thinks is a toy. image presents is not something to blow off. Look You look up at him and are greeted with yellowed and at the attached picture, if you dare, and curate your sharp teeth, the perfect length for cutting through own opinion of the cryptid. flesh. He is 8 feet tall and covered in matted hair, and Lizard-mania took Bishopville by storm. People as you look down to embrace your inevitable death were going out on the town in tin-foil suits after at the hands of this monster, you find a pair of ginorsomeone started a rumor that the Lizardman likes mous and thumping feet. It dawns chrome, and some were covering on you that you are going to die at their cars in duct-tape to prevent “My hand to God, I am lizard-induced damage. Memorathe hands of Bigfoot. Well, South Carolina doesn’t bilia sold on interstate stops atnot making this up.” have Bigfoot, but in true SC fashtracted those driving to go watch ion, a small town makes an annual Clemson games. More reports of profit on Bigfoot’s cheap cousin the Lizardman’s rampage filed in, -Sumter woman, who is definitely – the fearsome Bishopville Lizday-by-day, and became enough not making this up ard-Man. Because what else would of a concern that local officials it be? contacted the FBI to warn them of At 7 feet tall, and accompathe attacks. Surprisingly, the FBI nied with scales, a tail, and glowing red eyes, the did not respond. Lizardman has been terrorizing Lee County since Now, after decades of the search for the Lee 1988 by doing absolutely nothing of notability, exCounty Lizardman, with the only modern reports of cept supposedly being real. The first sighting of the his existence being iPhone 3 quality videos, filmed famed beast was on the humid night of June 29, 1988, by the same guy that takes videos of school fights, when a 17-year-old boy returned home at 2 a.m. with there has finally been a break in the case. scratches on his car – which, of course, he blamed on While walking out of church, a Sumter woman the creature. He reported this to authorities and an was shocked to see the Lizardman out and walking investigation began (because I’m sure the only reason throughout the town with a joyous little stroll, like a teenage boy would return home at 2 in the morning he was a clown going to a kid’s birthday party. “My on the weekend, with a scratched car, is because of a hand to God, I am not making this up,” she said to monster attack). local news, which is obviously a sure sign that she
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RED&BLACK / Spring 2022
Written by Maddie Thompson
