Between The Covers / Issue THREE / The Trans Edition

The Warriors of Thebes

Sam Renton (he / him), plays for the Edinburgh inclusive rugby team, The Caledonian Thebans. In a personal, and candid, article, Sam tells us how his journey, from high school to playing for the Thebans, helped with his mental health.

Transgender people are more likely to suffer from mental health issues than people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, heterosexual and cisgender. Each person is different, but some of the trans related causes could be dysphoria: how people are perceived in their physical frame, their voice, their gender expression, but also being born into a world where society is still deciding trans rights. With a lack of education at school around wider LGBT+ identities, and what it means to be anything other than heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual, I became depressed at the thought of being different.

I’ve always been told that high school was ‘the best days of your life’. If high school was the best days, then my life was going to be a ‘great depression’. I spent most of high school trying to find out who I was, while trying to fit in and planning for the future because it seemed that anything less than university was a failure. The immense pressure I put myself under was amplified by school. The need to do well, to find yourself, to figure out your future plans, was terrifying. Much of what I loved, I gave up. I tried to be a stereotype, a girly girl with the brain of a boy. Uncomfortable in almost every situation, I knew something was different. I had no education besides Urban Dictionary and I was questioning who I liked and what gender I was for five long years. I thought exams were the end. When I left high school I thought it would end, away from the pressures and cliques of high school, but it just came back. In 2018, I finally realised that I was transgender, seven years after beginning to question everything. Those seven years can be summed up in one word: depression.

I didn’t know what that meant or what the symptoms were, but I now know that I was depressed. My depression continued and it was all I could see. I had good days and bad, and my bad days sometimes had suicidal thoughts. My future was bleak, I thought that it wasn’t going to go away and I was stuck with these feelings. I tried individual sports, playing video games and throwing myself into work. Each worked for a little bit and then I was back to depression. I needed more and needed to find something I loved doing.

Each ruck, maul and scrum looked so intense, but it was love at first sight.

My earliest memories are of football, playing all the time with my family. I knew nothing about the sport, I just liked playing. I was never able to join a team until high school. A girls team. I stayed for a week and my love was lost. I was a boy playing on a girls team. It didn’t feel right. I also liked rugby when I played in high school, and in an all boys’ P.E. class. In 2019, I decided to watch the Six Nations and quickly grew to enjoy watching it. Each ruck, maul and scrum looked so intense, but it was love at first sight. I quickly decided that I wanted to play rugby, but I had no real experience and didn’t know where to start. I looked into local teams, which were largely made up of guys from school. I realised that the playing season was almost over and that it was just going to be awkward to play with guys who knew me as something different. Wanting a fresh start, I looked at the local leagues after a friend mentioned an inclusive Edinburgh rugby team, the Caledonian Thebans. I debated my options, realising that they would have had trans men play with them and would know what to expect. At Edinburgh Pride last year, I spoke to a few of the guys from the team and picked up a leaflet about bootcamp: a six week programme covering the basics of rugby for beginners as well as more advanced players.

A nervous wreck, I had a two hour journey on two buses to the training ground and the same to get home. It was a journey I made every Tuesday evening starting that July. It felt right, everyone was so warm and welcoming from both coaches and players. Suddenly, my future wasn’t so bleak and I excitedly waited for the following Tuesday. My two year wait for an appointment at the Gender Clinic now didn’t seem too far away.

I’m still waiting to begin my life, but rugby has made my life easier; rugby saved my life and changed my outlook.

When the playing season began in August, I waited for clearance from the Clinic to play, however, I still trained and gave 100% and watched each game I could. I played my very first game at Corstorphine in blistering heat on 21st September 2019. It was the best ten minutes of my life and I couldn’t have been happier. I bought my Thebans club tie that day and I found my place, where I fitted. Each training session and game improved my mental health, both by becoming fitter and meeting new people that I would call my family. My dysphoria wasn’t affecting me as much and my depression was almost completely gone. I even had my first broken nose in November that year, which was painful and yet amazing at the same time. It was at that point I realised the genuine care the Thebans guys had for me.

When people told me that sport helps your mental health, I never believed them. And if someone had told me, back in high school, that I would be playing rugby with the nicest guys I’d ever meet, I wouldn’t have believed them either. Now it’s completely different: the Thebans have been there for me through thick and thin. I can count on them and they’re the group I feel most comfortable around. I’ve never been looked at any differently because I’m transgender, I’m always treated as an equal. I’m still waiting to begin my life, but rugby has made my life easier; rugby saved my life and changed my outlook. There are many inclusive clubs for different sports and groups and it’s a great opportunity to fall in love with something and meet up with people who you have at least one thing in common with.

To find out more about the Caledonian Thebans, visit their website.