PERFECTION

Fuel for the Inner Critic

By Emily Perrin Perrin Wellness and Performance

Perfect. The dictionary defines it as being without fault or defect. Flawless.

We live in a world where perfect is the expectation.

I spend most of my time working with collegiate and professional athletes. I confer with coaches about their teams. I watch practice, lift, training, and games. I observe, listen and analyze.

The language we use around sport is crucial. Words matter not only for how we communicate with others but with how we speak to ourselves. There is a constant dance of internal and external messaging.

Is the word perfect used frequently in a sport setting? No. To be honest I don’t hear many players or coaches express needing things to be perfect. I hear the opposite.: “We can’t be perfect, I know I can’t be perfect, I don’t expect perfection in each performance.”

However, why does the fear of failure and making mistakes plague so many of our youth and collegiate athletes? Across the board imperfection and flaws are seen as not okay. Let’s take something outside of sport - the beauty industry. Look at any social media platform and you will see women pumping ads about skin creams and laser treatments that get rid of flaws. We see fitstagrams talking about how to eliminate body fat and cellulite. There is a workout for how to eradicate almost any part of your body that you don’t like.

This is not an issue that is solely in sport and performance, but a larger issue that plagues our society as a whole.

For the vaulter, missing at a PR time and again, or going no height can touch a very sensitive piece of self worth. This issue can directly be linked to our value as a human.

In pole vaulting, the need to execute perfectly can lead to paralysis. It is easy to get fixated on one particular phase of the jump, or comparing ourselves to the next person in line who might be a teammate with more experience. Very quickly, the message or thought of “that jump wasn’t good” becomes “I am not good.”

It’s a confusing message when many of us know we can’t be perfect, our coaches say they don’t expect perfect

but at the same time, success in sport revolves around winning and being at a higher level than your opponent. This can be hard to navigate, especially when you don’t have the support and tools in place to help yourself out.

I was far from perfect. I have a long history of chronic anxiety, bouts of serious depression and panic attacks that landed me in the hospital. I coped with it in harmful ways such as self-mutilation, binge eating, and substance abuse. Although there were many contributors, at the core of my issues was the idea that I needed to be perfect in everything I did. I felt inherently not enough if I was not perfect even though I continued to fall short of my own expectation of perfect time after time. Perfection was still something I was always seeking.

And that is the problem with perfect. It is a destination, the end game, right?

For many elite athletes, perfection is what drives us. Again, we rarely use the word but isn’t this what many of us are thinking? The desire to hone our skill and be the best we can be? If we make a mistake, people hardly notice because we are really that good. When we are perfect, everything falls into place. If we are the best on the runway, we can attend the college program of our dreams and have athletic careers that will be remembered for years to come.

But at what cost?

Perfectionism is fuel for the fire. It makes for a nasty case of depending on external validation, which heats up and provokes our inner critic.

The inner critic is that voice inside our head that never shuts up. It is the voice of doubt, negativity, criticism. It is the driver of constant comparison and assessment. It is the feeling that we are never enough. The inner critic is persistent. Ugly. Loud.

Many athletes have the idea that the inner critic is what keeps them sharp. This is what allows us to see what we aren’t doing so that we can constantly get better. That’s the goal, right?

Wrong.

More often than not, the inner critic is not accurate. Many times it’s a dialogue that is false information doing more damage than good. There is a difference between objectively looking at your performance, giving yourself (or getting) constructive feedback, and walking around with a constant narrative about your flaws and faults.

Ok. So how do we find balance? What’s the magic trick?

There isn’t one but this is where I come in.

I’m not a sport psychologist. I’ve been an athlete and a coach my entire life but I didn’t go to school to study the psyche and sport performance. I landed on my trade by way of personal destruction and the dire need to heal. As I speak to more and more coaches and athletes, I realize that this is an all too common story.

My specialty is mindfulness. A practice and way of being that allows us to pay attention to our present moment experience with a non-judgmental attitude. We can train mindfulness in many ways. Some of my favorite ways to practice are meditation, breath work, and yoga. These practices allow us to drop into our mind and body and get curious about what we are experiencing in a way that is more neutral and friendly.

How does this help with perfectionism and that pesky inner critic?

It allows us time to watch our thoughts and put space between what we are thinking and how we respond to them. This is crucial. We can see the inner critic for what it really is and claim some power back.

Emily with Duke women’s soccer and men’s baseball. Photo credits: Emily Perrin

We do not have to BELIEVE everything we think. So the next time you notice your inner critic come around, try the following practice:

1. Notice - Notice what the inner critic is saying. What are you telling yourself about your performance?

2. Get curious - Ask yourself a question : Do I have evidence for this thought? Can I ask a teammate or coach if I am unsure? This way we help ourselves decipher “Is this actually true?” Remember - often times the inner critic is not true!

3. Take a Breath - Breathing is one of the most powerful things we can do when we are being hard on ourselves. It allows us to push the pause button. This can be helpful when we are going back and forth with the inner critic. 4. State something you know to be true . What is one thing that you know wholeheartedly to be true about yourself as a human being? Something that no one would debate or question? Tell yourself that. Build confidence in a quality that you know is valid about the kind of person and athlete you are.

In closing, I want to reiterate the definition of perfect, without fault or defect; flawless. It doesn’t exist. It is a destination that doesn’t exist in sport and performance nor in life. Unfortunately it’s not as easy as flipping a switch and not caring about perfection. We have to work at it. The practices of mindfulness, meditation, yoga, and breath work are tools. The next time you feel the paralysis of perfection and your inner critic is yammering, take it slowly. The journey to navigating your mind is a marathon, not a sprint.

Emily with Pole Vault Carolina