MAGAZINE
CHANTELLE RAVEN OVERCOME NEEDINESS, GRASPING AND WITHDRAWAL
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TOP TIPS TO DEEPEN INTIMACY BY ELISE CARR CHAKRAS AND THEIR LINK TO A GREATER RELATIONSHIP
#relationshipgoals
PICTURE: Prue Aja
Melissa Ambrosini HOW TO HAVE ROCKING RELATIONSHIPS
MESSAGE FROM THE CREATIVE DIRECTOR Tanya de Haan WRITER & CHIEF SUBEDITOR Jos Vandersman Albertus de Haan CONTRIBUTORS Elise Carr Chantelle Raven Melissa Ambrosini PHOTOGRAPHER Kevin Edwardes Published by Flow Creative Studio.
www.flowcreativestudio.com Copyright. This magazine is used as a reference only and not a medical manual. All information is to provide support in making informative choice and to inspire, through opinions only. While some information is based on material from professional people and research, the magazine does not presume to give medical advice or counselling. Be sure to consult a medical physician and doctor before any therapeutic program. Whilst every effort has been made to ensure accuracy and we do our best, the Magazine does not have any liability for errors or omission. Or if photographs are of poor quality, due to low resolution. We apologise and do not take responsibility if anything appears incorrectly, as it is an honest mistake only.
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Creative Director
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elcome to The Whole Of You Magazine, a magazine created specifically to help you with all aspects of your health journey. This includes, the body, mind and spirit. It shares stories of what is possible diving deep into a heartfelt love and presented with such creative ease. In this edition of the magazine it has been such a pleasure to bring to you stories that specifically focus on the topic of #relationshipsGoals. I hope these articles help to empower and lead you to unlock a healthier you, on a holistic level. We have many helpful tips and upcoming workshops to help grow and strengthen your relationships with your-self and others. Meet Stella Muse, the woman who practices sacred guidance for your soul, and radiates her inner beauty assisting others to navigate through the darkness of their soul to the light. Elise shares with us her top 5 tips for couples and yourself, to strengthen connection and Explore the Art of Intimacy. Melissa Ambrosini, who explains in her article about Open Wide our relationships are our biggest spiritual assignments, our greatest opportunities for growth, and the highest-stake games we’ll ever play... and yet most of us don’t know how to navigate them! From the Eliyah Tantra school, Chantelle Ravens’ words of wisdom inspire us to let go of the expectation that a healthy loving relationship is always easy or that
your partner is always going to be “nice”. When love is present, everything that is not love shows up to be healed and sometimes this can be extremely challenging. We have some helpful tips to share, that you can use, as a home practice. See how effective they really are! It is beautiful people such as these contributors, that we need in our collective community to share their stories to assist us on our journey to greatness. Sometimes our inner growth can be a lonely path and at times tough, as we face the many challenges of our spiritual assignments. We hope and wish for all of you that these pages in The Whole of You Magazine, help assist and inspire you to unveil the greatness in you and to remember to live life holistically. We would love to connect with you at:
www.thewholeofyou.info Follow us on Facebook: Facebook Link Click Here
Tanya de Haan Graphic Artist, Bowen Therapist, Councillor Kinesiologist and Access Consciousness practitioner at:
www.seeforshorewellness.com
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CONTENTS 004
ACCESS CONSCIOUSNESS a sense of complete relaxation
Chantelle Raven
PAGE 018
006
06
MELISSA AMBROSIN How to have Rocking Relationships
009
BOWEN THERAPY How does Bowen help in pregnancy
011
WHAT IS CONCIOUS UNCOUPLING How to break up with intergrity by Katherine Woodward
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Meliss Abrosoni. PAGE 006
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ELISE CARR 5 Tips for intimacy
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THE WHILE DAILY Cooking with Essential Oils
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CHANTELLE RAVEN three attachment styles whether we’re dating or in a long term relationship
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CHAKRAS AND RELATIONSHIPS How does our aligned chakras help with relationships
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HELPFUL READING RESOURSES
HARVILLE AND HELEN Getting the love you wan
AGE 012 Elise Carr P
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Access Bars® has assisted thousands of people to change many aspects of their lives. People report better health, ease in thier relationships, relief from anxiety, less stress and so much more...
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esigned to create more consciousness for you, your body and the planet. Access Bars® are 32 points on your head which, when lightly touched create ease in different areas of your life. Whether you’ve heard about Access Bars® from a friend, practitioner or health professional, you may be wondering how you can experience it for yourself? Access Bars®, is a gentle non invasive hands-on modality, introduced by Gary Douglas in the early 1990s. It consists 04 THEWHOLEOFYOU
of 16 bars of energy that run through and around your head. These bars connect at specific “bars-points” and correlate to different areas and aspects of your life. During an Access Bars® session, a practitioner gently touches these points to release the electromagnetic charge of all thoughts, ideas, attitudes, decisions, and considerations beliefs that may have limited you in the concerned life areas such as, Money, Creativity, Kindness, Healing, Peace, Calm, Joy and Sadness.
The Creators Of Access was Founded by Gary M. Douglas in 1995, and later joined by cocreator Dr. Dain Heer in 2000. Today Access Bars® is practiced world wide in over 170 countries and used as a potent and pragmatic tool by families, schools, businesses, athletes, prison wards, psychologists, artists and much more. Imagine if someone could press a button and mute that voice in your head that tells you that you’re not good enough, or that you can’t
Any limitations that you create in your life are connected to your thoughts, ideas, attitudes, decisions, and beliefs about the limitations. When the bars-points are Lightly touched you begin to clear away what is locked and keeps you from believing you can have the life you’ve always known deep down is possible. One of the life-changing components that happens naturally with a Access Bars® session is the element of receiving. How often do we just let go, lower our barriers and take of our armour, to truly allow another person to gift us with what life has to offer? Not often I am guessing.
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their bodies such as buzzing, tingling, warmth, twitches or shivers. There is no right or wrong way and the best way to find out what Access Bars® is like, is for you is to try it yourself! It can change your relationships with your body, your relationships to money and even your relationships to your loved ones and yourself. It can also help assist you to change anything in your life, you feel stuck with, if you choose. Access Consciousness® is a different point of view about life. It allows you to change anything you cannot change and create everything you desire in a different and easier way. The aim of Access® is to create a
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accomplish what you dream about?
IMAGINE SOMEONE COULD PRESS A BUTTON AND MUTE THAT VOICE IN YOUR HEAD THAT TELLS YOU THAT YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Learning to receive is a key to inviting more of what you’re asking for into your life. Access Bars® facilitates receiving, this is different to other modalities. There is no “normal” Access Bars® session, as everyone is different and each session will be different, every time, even if you repeat it with the same person. Most often what has been reported, is a sense of complete relaxation. Many people go to sleep - even in a very noisy environment. Some people have images come to them, others feel sensations in
world of consciousness and oneness, where everything exists and nothing is judged.
WHERE TO START Access Consciousness® is based on the idea that you know and that your choice is what will create your future. Like consciousness, we do not have a path for you, we have an infinite array of possibilities from which you can choose anything that would be wonderful for you. What are you looking for? What could you add to your life? Are you ready to expand the level of choices
and possibilities that are available to you in this life? Where would you like to start? Please click here if you like to find out more: www.seeforshorewellness.com/access-bars To learn more about Access Bars® you can also visit here: www.accessconsciousness.com
BOOK A SESSION
www.seeforshorewellness.com
Divorceless Relationships Audiobook Paperback
By Gary M. Douglas & Dr. Dain Heer
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ost of us have spent a lot of time divorcing parts and pieces of ourselves in order to care for someone else. There are many ways you divorce ‘you’ to create an intimate relationship. How often does divorcing ‘you’ really work in the long run? A “divorceless” relationship is one where you don’t have to divorce any part of you and as a result the relationship becomes greater. To listen and discover more please click here: Listen to sample of the Audiobook
THEWHOLEOFYOU 05
Open Wide
Deep Love, Rocking Relationships And Soulful Sex You can have rocking relationships with your family and friends. A soulmate who gets you on the deepest level. And the most mind-blowing and soulful sex of your life... Sound like a pipe dream?
I wrote Open Wide for YOU! Why?... Well, relationships are our biggest spiritual assignments, our greatest opportunities for growth, and the highest-stake games we’ll ever 6 THEWHOLEOFYOU
play... and yet most of us don’t know how to navigate them! I mean, let’s face it: we weren’t giving a manual when we came out of the womb. And it’s not like we’re not taught ‘Relationships 101’ at school or (for most of us) by our parents. Imagine sitting down with a Sudoku grid for the first time and not being told what the
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like hell that they can figure out what’s going on before it’s too late. And if you’re anything like me, you fumble! You make poor (really poor) choices in men and friendships, wasting hours - scratch that, wasting days, months and even years holding grudges against people and agonising, worrying and stressing out over what he
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o what is Open Wide, you ask? Well, it’s the definitive guide to intimate and fulfilling relationships for the modern woman. Delving into areas that no one dares discuss, my latest book I dispels taboos and defies convention - diving into topics like how to fall (back) in love with your body and yourself, how to unleash (what I call) your inner goddessence, how to understand the masculine and feminine energies (which is so imperative for ALL your relationships), plus how to experience toe-curling orgasms on demand… Um, yes please!
WORDS: Melissa Ambrosini
YOU CAN CULTIVATE KICKASS CONNECTIONS WITH EVERYONE YOU COME INTO CONTACT WITH, AND EXPERIENCE DEEP LOVE IN ALL
rules are... You wouldn’t get very far, would you? And yet most people are doing exactly that in their real-life relationships - thrust into the thick of things, flying blind, and hoping
or she - or you! - once said or did a long time ago.
On top of that, without a ‘textbook’, the usual way we learn is from our parents.
And unless you won the genetic lottery, this may not be the world’s best representation of deep love, a rocking relationship or a soulful connection. If you’ve done any personal development work before, you probably know enough to look for the lesson in your relationships. Because yes, there’s always a lesson, and everything is always unfolding exactly as it’s supposed to. These are important concepts to grasp.
the average life expectancy is seventy-eight years. That means we’ve got fewer than thirty thousand days on this planetary playground ... and they’ll go by in a flash. So don’t you think we should figure out how to use our precious time wisely?
THAT’S why I created this radically real relationship guide for you: so you can cultivate kickass connections with everyone you come into contact with, and experience deep love But, what if you knew the inin ALL your relationships. I also sider info that meant you didn’t want to light the way for you to have to learn those lessons the experience soulful, heart-openhard way? What if you could play the game in a way that didn’t end in pain? Think about all those times you’ve stressed, worried, expelled energy and lost sleep over a particular situation or argument with someone ... What else could you have done with that precious time? You could have learned another language, performed a random act of kindness, honed your photography skills or become an epic pianist. (And I could have written a whole library of books!) But we didn’t! Instead, that precious time is lost and gone forever.
ing, expansive, mind-blowing sex with your lover too (or lovers - whatever floats your boat!). Does that all sound like your cup of herbal tea? If so, sister, Open Wide is for YOU! Never forget that your birthright is LOVE, and when we each choose to show up with love we inspire others to do the same. You can read the book here: OPEN WIDE BOOK Find out more about Melissa: www.melissaambrosini.com
FREE GIVEAWAY
To help celebrate YOU we are giving away a FREE book
The truth is, we only have a certain amount of time here in this beautiful ‘earth suit’ we’ve been given. Think about it mathematically for a moment: there are three hundred and sixty- five days in a year and 08 THEWHOLEOFYOU
Tell us in 25 words or less why you would like to WIN a copy of Melissa Ambrosinis’ Open Wide book. Click below to send us your answer.
TO SHARE WITH US CLICK HERE
BOWEN THERAPY
RELIEF FOR PREGNANCY Bowen Therapy is a natural drug free non-invasive complementary therapy that was developed by the late Tom Bowen, from Geelong Australia. It is now introduced all over the world.
P
regnancy can reveal many new issues with a lady’s body and well-being along with may already exacerbated and existing or underling aliments and injuries. As the body changes thoughout a pregnancy, there is added stresses created to the neck area, the pelvis the spine and ongoing circulation issues, which can results in nausea and emotional stresses, accompanied by much pain and often discomfort during pregnancy. Obstetrician Dr Gowri Motha and author of ‘The Gentle Birth Method’, believes Bowen Therapy can help many pregnant woman. As part as her quest
WORDS: Tanya de Haan
to help mothers look forward to giving birth. Dr Motha observed the benefits of integrating methods for a gentle birth with complementary treatments into birth preparation, such as the Bowen Technique. Motha, explains that Elle Macpherson and, Taylor Wood were prescribes Bowen Therapy for relief in back pain, nausea and pelvic pain, sciatic, and temp-mandibular (TMJ) problems. It is also can be used for mothers who are feeling anxious and tense. Motha also found that Bowen Therapy can help with the pelvic tilt, which often causes problems with the positioning of the foetus. Motha explains why it is im-
portant to receive treatments around 33-34 weeks of pregnancy, just before a baby’s head starts to becomes engaged, Bowen Therapy can assist with any correction to the pelvic tilt and helps encourage the baby’s head to engage within the pelvis and rotate easily within the birthing canal to an occipito-anterior position, which is the optimum position for a vaginal birth. Continuous treatments can be made at 39 weeks to assist the baby’s head to drop down into the pelvis area. Furthermore Bowen Therapy is also beneficial if the baby is overdue, as gentle Bowen moves on the coccyx can be THEWHOLEOFYOU 09
performed that will help to encourage labour. Working on the pelvic area through-out a pregnancy, helps alleviate back pain, even sciatic problems, headaches and tension in the neck and around shoulder areas. Bowen therapy helps reduce blood flow restriction and digestive disorders such as heartburn reflux and nausea and relieves
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the fingers and thumbs, on the body, the Bowen practitioner makes small roll over movements over the muscles, tendons, ligaments and soft tissue at specific and precise sites on the body, using only small amounts of pressure appropriated for each individual. No harsh manipulation or force is needed and required. Between each sets of moves the body is
IT IS EASY AND RATHER WISER TO BUILD A HEALTHY AND EMOTIONAL STABLE INDIVIDUAL FORM PREGNANCY ONWARDS, RATHER THAN REPAIRING A DAMAGED ADULT
constipation along with helping to nourish a baby, it also helps relieves breathlessness, back pain, sleep issues, fluid retention, emotional, fatigue, and headaches.
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- Dr Gowri Motha
allowed to rest for a few minutes to allow it to absorb the information it has received and initiate the healing process.
It prides itself on being able to trigger the body’s natural healing response, by facilitating the body to heal itself, with minimal intervention. Rather than making the body change, Bowen assist the body to recognise and make the changes the body requires.
Bowen is gentle and pleasing to receive, each session lasts’ 30 - 60 minutes depending of the age of a client and the nature of a condition. Many clients become extremely relaxed and feeling much calmer after a treatment, the results are long lasting and often profound.
A Bowen treatment consists of a sequences of small gentle and subtle moves made by
The Therapy can enable a much more positive experience in giving birth and
10 THEWHOLEOFYOU
can help it to one the most memorable moments in a mothers’ and fathers’ life. Bowen Therapy can even assist babies; As the birth can be a traumatic process for a new born baby and Bowen therapy can help relieve some of the physical stresses endured, helping the new born baby, to sleep and settle easier and assist in the aid of recovery of young babies. It can also help an Infant with colic, reflux, feeding and sleep issues, by simply resetting the nervous system. There are now hospitals over the world, who are now considering and performing Bowen Therapy to help assist with the outcomes and recovery of child-birth, because it is so effective. To find out more or to book an appointment you can go here: www.seeforshorewellness.com
F BOOKINGS
5 Steps to Conscious UNCOUPLING
Katherine Woodward is dedicated to the evolution and advancement of loving and harmonious relations between all living beings. These are 5 steps to living happily ever after. You enter your romantic relationships with great love, hope, and excitement - you have found the ‘one’, so you plan and forge your future together. However, sometimes, for many different reasons, the relationship can come undone and it doesn’t work out the way you hoped and planned it to. Most commonly, you can view this as a personal failure and hoard your bitterness and anger, sometimes stewing in shame and resentment. Even lashing out in destructive and hurtful ways, despite the fact that you are good people at heart. That’s natural: you are almost biologically primed to respond this way. However there is also another way. You can choose to see this it as an opportunity. Honouring what was once meant to you both. You can take another path to the end your relationship, one filled with mutual respect, kindness, and deep caring. Katherine Woodward Thom-
as’s, groundbreaking method, Conscious Uncoupling, provides you with these valuable skills and tools for you to travel through the challenging terrain with her five thoughtful and thought-provoking steps these are: Step 1: Find Emotional Freedom Step 2: Reclaim Your Power and Your Life Step 3: Break the Pattern, Heal Your Heart Step 4: Become a Love Alchemist Step 5: Create Your Happy Even After Life
greater level of kindness, cohesion and care. Katherine explains, that your deepest challenge in life-and therefore our greatest victory, lies in taking that which almost destroys us and transforming it into a golden offering of hope, goodness and healing we can make to the world. Katherine’s work offers a new paradigm for how to breakup and divorce with integrity, restoration and true healing, Find out more here: www.consciousuncoupling.com You can grab a copy the here: Conscious Uncoupling Book
To date, thousands of people have followed in Katherin’s footsteps. Through her own personal experience in divorse she has helped many others to create their own happily-even-after life, together. She is now forging a new paradigm for how others might end their romantic unions, with a much more THEWHOLEOFYOU 11
PICTURE: Prue Aja
5 Tips to Deepen Intimacy WITH & WITHOUT A PARTNER Elise Carr shares some tips for couples and yourself, to strengthen your connection and Explore the Art of Intimacy. Because there’s nothing juicier than the power of intimate connection. Words: Elise Carr
I
mproving your relationship with your partner requires getting clear on what you both are really seeking to work towards. For couples I work with, when they are honest with themselves and are
able to come from a place of love for each other the answer that they both express is intimacy. So how do you create and nourish this in your relationship for a better sacred sex life and partnership all round?
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1
QUALITY TIME
Your relationship requires time. This may mean setting a set date night weekly/fortnightly, (which I call Sacred Sessions), a morning a week you can sleep in together to snuggle, talk and/or make love, share a meal you prepare together or go out. Whatever you choose and however it looks ideally just be totally together. Making time for each other and the relationship means you value what you share. It is imperative that the relationship is a priority. As, like anything, the relationship and your sacred sexual life cannot flourish if it is neglected.
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FIERCE PRESENCE
When you are there, be there fully. This may mean phones and devices off and put to the side, TV off, no distractions and no desire to be anywhere else with anyone else for the time you are together. This is especially important when making love. You may like to try eye gazing (looking deeply into each other’s eyes while sitting opposite each other – clothed or naked) to see into who they really are, to connect with their soul. To also feel held and cherished in that moment by your partner. This is a powerful opportunity to see and be seen as you create deeper intimacy. It can also test the trust you share and bring up vulnerabilities. Working through this as a couple is just as important.
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CONSCIOUS COMMUNICATION
It is not just what you say but how you say it. Being comfortable enough to express what is important to you or that which needs to be shared in the partnership is key. The challenge most people face is doing this from a place of loving kindness, non-judgment, compassion and ‘ownership’ of their own emotions, not from a place of blame and projecting emotions onto the other. This takes time and practice. You need to be witness to yourself and your default reactions to your partner, and they too need to witness themselves. To
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strengthen your communication before you speak ask yourself: “How can I be more loving right now?” Then take a moment. Pause respond instead of react, and commit to working on this skill together. It will remind you that you are both on the same team, and that makes for more peace and desire to unite intimately.
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FOREPLAY LONG BEFORE THE BEDROOM
In the fast paced world we live in foreplay is often seen as something that is completed in 2-5 minutes right before the main event, which may last equally as long, or not! The art of a Tantric lifestyle is about exploring and enjoying the journey of life at all times, no matter the situation. This could mean making breakfast in bed for your partner as a surprise, notes, emails or text of poetic love or cheeky exchanges, opening the car door, spontaneous kisses and hugs, calling ‘just because’, and above all taking it slowly. There is a place for quickies if you choose, but often what is the rush? Create and embrace little moments in the everyday to stoke the fire of your love. By the time ‘love making o’clock’ comes around you will both be more ready and open to give and receive. You may also like to explore the concept of ‘Asking Permission to Enter’.
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MOVING FROM SEX TO SACRED
Understanding that for a deeper connection to be made and sustained in a relationship we need heart, mind and soul connected, not just the body. This change in mind-set can move ‘sex’ to an expression of the sacred. From wham bam to ritual connection and body worship. This shift from making love to being love is part of the art of Tantra. Following the above mentioned by making time, being present, communicating with loving kindness and slowing down, the entire journey of love making can all assist to moving from ‘sex’ to ‘sacred’.
PICTURE: Elise Carr
Single or coupled it makes no difference to the importance of knowing and exploring YOU as a sensual human and Divine soul. A deepened relationship with self can awaken parts of you you’ve never seen before. This can enrich all areas of your life including your sacred sexual and sensual self. Then, more importantly, expand your connection to your own path within your heart, mind, soul and then your connection to Spirit and Consciousness.
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WHO AM I? GET TO KNOW YOU IN THE NOW
You are constantly changing and evolving. You aren’t the same person you were a few years ago as you are now. Take time to explore: Who am I? What do I need in this moment for my; body, heart, mind, soul? How can I best serve myself (to also be of greater service in my relationship/career/with my children)? This might mean you explore something new such as Tantra, take up a class that intrigues you, take yourself out on a date to a restaurant/ gallery/theatre or simply carving out space in your life to get to know you more; sexually, emotionally, mentally… To start ask; “How well do I know myself?”
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CREATE NONNEGOTIABLE ‘CONNECTION’ TIME
I suggest a morning practice or ritual. This may be a few minutes or a couple of hours if you have the opening in your schedule. Time doesn’t’ matter so much at first. What’s important is that it is a time to honour yourself and fill up your own cup, no one else’s. This may involve self-pleasure to explore what you like or it may be enjoying a cup of organic herbal tea in nature. Really sit with what can assist you to deepening intimacy with self and all facets of you - especially your connection to that which is greater than you, however you define it (Spirit, Goddess, God, Divine, Source, Universe). If it nourishes you body, heart,
mind, soul you’re on the right track. (Learn to nourish your Soul, Spirit & Tribe)
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CONSCIOUSNESS, MINDFULNESS & GRATITUDE
Especially with how you self-criticise. Just as you begin to practice communicating with loving kindness when you are talking to your partner, or anyone for that matter, you also need to come from that place for yourself. If you can’t speak words of loving kindness to yourself how can you expect your body to want to open to passionate love making, let alone perfect presence and peace of mind? To being all you are here to be in the bedroom and the boardroom and anywhere in between it requires you change up those thoughts. Come from a place of gratitude for all you are and all you do. Come from a place of consciousness, of choosing your words carefully and mindfully. Words are powerful on many levels. Using words you speak, use and think of with mindfulness can evoke deeper love within and encourage more harmony in your relationship with self and all those you connect with, romantically and otherwise.
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HARMONISE YOUR INNER FEMININE & MASCULINE
We each have both Feminine and Masculine energies within us, no matter if we are born women or men. Knowing you have a conscious, driving, ‘doing’ THEWHOLEOFYOU 15
masculine part and a creative, flowing ‘being’ feminine gives you room to explore from how you want to be in the bedroom to how you need to find balance in your daily life. Ask yourself; “Am I too often pushing, fiery and rushing?” If so you may be in the masculine too much and need to calm with some ‘being’ feminine energy. Many clients who come to me realise the art of surrender and flow is something to work on. Feminine energy is no less powerful than masculine. When you begin to feel this by balancing your inner energies your life will have more ease and your sacred sex life too. Explore the Journey of Feminine Reconnection here.
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TAKE A SOLO LOVE BREAK & LEARN TO MAKE LOVE WITH YOU
With the above in mind; of getting to know yourself, creating nonnegotiable you time, being mindful and having gratitude for all you are and all you do while honouring your inner feminine and masculine – this all unifies and merges together when you can take a Love Break for you. This may be with a book in the bath with a glass of champagne or kombucha, or perhaps a full body self massage in front of the mirror with a single candle as you move freely and explore every inch of yourself outside
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and in. You may like to explore the sacred practice of breast massage. It can look however you want it to look. It is a sacred time for you to honour, cherish and worship yourself as you long to be. This is a gift you give yourself. And if you choose you may share that with a current or future partner to better show them what you need, desire and like. While the focus may start with the body; with the external, pleasure and sensuality the journey of a Tantric path walker transcends this when they merge deeper and expand further into the pure love of heart and the power of the mind. When consciousness is reached as the body is purified over and over again of desires that no longer serve. It is important to remind yourself that pleasure and pain are polarities of the same spectrum, but LOVE and LIGHT are the pure unified source of consciousness. This is what you are aspiring to embody and radiate. Something to Muse on. With Love, Elise / S*M To learn more about Elise, please go to the website: www.stellamuse.com You can listen to Elise here on: F The Whole Of You Show F Listen on itunes F Listen on sticher
PICTURE: Prue Aja
Hungry for HEALTHY CHIA PUDDING?
Nutritionist and Functional Health Expert and, doTERRA Presidential Diamond leader Alice Nicholls, shares with us how to make the perfect, easy, healthy treat, for any night in. RECIPIE: By Alice Nicholls
INGREDIENTS FOR CHIA PUDDING:
TOPPINGS
l 2 cups coconut milk (homemade or natural).
l 2 cups coconut yoghurt. I use the plain
l 1/2 cup Chia Seeds.
‘Nudie’ brand from Coles
l 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract.
l 2 cups of Buckinis (Aice has used Loving
l 1/4 cup or less of xylitol or maple syrup
Earth Deluxe Buckinis made from raw activated
(Xylitol is a natural and fructose free
buckwheat, healthy nuts, berries and superfoods.
sweetener made from birch you can get from
Some fruit for decoration.
the health-food store).
l 6 drops doTERRA Lime Essential Oil.
l 5 drops doTERRA lemon essential oil.
l 4 drops doTERRA Wild Orange essential oil
1 Mix, and stir through all ingredients for the chia pudding and place in the fridge over night. 2 Use 2 cups of buckinis, drip the wild orange oil on the palms of your hands and toss the buckinis with your hands to lightly aromatically ‘dress’ the buckinis. 3 For the Topping, layer the chia seed pudding on the bottom of each glass. Stir lime oil into the coconut yoghurt and dollop on top of the. Top with buckinis and fresh fruit for an finishing touch! To Buy doTERRA Essential Oils you can go here: Buy Essential Oils here To see more amazing recepies from Alice Nicholls at the Whole Daily please visit here: www.thewholedaily.com.au THEWHOLEOFYOU 17
HOW TO OVERCOME NEEDINESS, GRASPING AND WITHDRAWAL IN RELATIONSHIPS
We’re wired for attachment - that’s why babies cry when separated from their mothers. Depending especially upon our mother’s behaviour, as well as later experiences, we develop a style of attaching that affects our behaviour in close relationships. WORDS: By Chantelle Raven
W PICTURE: Jenn Evelyn-Ann, Unsplash
e seek or avoid intimacy along a continuum, but generally we fall into one of the following three attachment styles whether we’re dating or in a long term relationship. (We all have elements of each of these styles).
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The question is, what is your predominant attachment style? That’s where majority of your work, your GOLD will be. This is what we explore and heal in my upcoming workshops Relationship Tantra 8 Week Women’s Course (Perth) and Teachings from a Tantrica workshops (Taster workshop and Weekend workshop in Melbourne and Perth). The three core attachment styles:
Secure: “Being close is easy!” This is the ideal where people remain together for life and have a supportive, well functioning relationship. Anxious (love addicts): “I want to be emotionally intimate and close, but I always have this feeling of not being enough and not getting enough”. These individuals can be needy, fearful, clingy, and depend heavily on the partner. Avoidant (love avoiders): “I’d rather not depend on others or have others depend on me”. Those with this kind of attachment style keep distance from the partner, and from others in his or her life. Anxious and avoidant attachment styles commonly attract each other in romantic relationships. Their relationship becomes co-dependent and they characterise the feelings and behaviour of love addicts and love avoiders (I talk about this in our ebook The Song of Tantra). Love addicts are usually disinterested in someone available with a secure style. They are however unconsciously attracted to someone distancing themselves (a love avoider), as the relationship teaches them what they need to know (i.e. their true emotional need for time alone and self-reflection). The relationships also enlivens the familiar, though uncomfortable, feeling of abandonment. It validates their fears about relationships and beliefs about not being enough, loveable, or securely loved, and the compulsive behaviour of clingi-
ness, desperation and neediness follows. Love avoiders unconsciously attract someone pursuing them (a love addict) in order to sustain their true emotional need for intimacy and connection, which they would largely disown and not experience were they with another love avoider. The relationship then duplicates similar patterns of relating as adults that we had as a child – enmeshment or a feeling of not being free to be ourselves, and the compulsive behaviour of defensive, blaming, shaming or withdrawing can arise. In this sense, we set ourselves up by finding partners that confirm our models and the co-dependent relationship cycles through the story—the love addict starts being clingy or needy in a relationship and it’s likely only a matter of time before the love avoider starts to pull away. And the moment the love addict notices the love avoider withdrawing or losing interest, they become even more needy and attentionseeking. It’s a vicious circle. This kind of behaviour often ends up ruining relationships. Love addicts who are on the anxious side of attachment fight in and for relationship, feeling incapable of calming until another person meets their needs for assurance. The neediness is of course exacerbated by the fact that a love avoider is often incapable of
meeting the needs of their partner. This then triggers the love avoider whose thoughts then go something like: “S/he is attacking me and shaming me. I can never keep her happy. Nothing is ever enough. This relationship is full of drama. I’m better off on my own. I need to withdraw or I’m going to get swallowed up.” This withdrawal then perpetuates the love addicts negative beliefs: “I am not loveable. I have to make my emotion bigger to get a response. My needs never get met. What is wrong with me.” Even people who feel independent when on their own are often surprised that they become dependent once they’re romantically involved. This is because intimate relationships unconsciously stimulate your attachment style. It’s normal to become dependent on your partner to a healthy degree. When your needs are met, without the other person sacrificing who they are (that is the balance) you feel secure. Compromise is key to a healthy relationship. You can assess your partner’s style by their behaviour and by their reaction to a direct or indirect request for more closeness. Does he or she try to meet your needs and are they open? Or do they become defensive and uncomfortable, and perhaps accommodate you once and then return to distancing behaviour? Or do they give up THEWHOLEOFYOU 19
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Chantelle has a passion for spiritual awakening, a deep love for people and a unique understanding of the psyche, the body and sexuality.
SELF-WORTH
Be confident of your value to your partner. If you are being possessive, jealous or insecure in your relationship, take a step back. Become aware of how you enhance your partner’s life to build your confidence. Write a list!
3 WAYS TO OVERCOME AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
By becoming aware of your attachment style, both you and your partner can become aware of your own patterns and each other’s, and move towards secure attachment for sustaining a satisfying, loving relationship.
3 WAYS TO OVERCOME ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT
You can change your needy and clingy behaviour. Wean yourself away from neediness and start being a secure and confident individual. Here are few tips to help you to shift from being needy and clingy in a relationship to feeling whole within yourself. 20 THEWHOLEOFYOU
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their own needs to meet yours because they are so afraid of losing love?
You can change your isolating behaviour and fear of others depending too much on you. Start to move towards love and connection and an ability
YOU CAN ASSESS YOUR PARTNER’S STYLE BY THEIR BEHAVIOUR AND BY THEIR REACTION TO A DIRECT OR INDIRECT REQUEST FOR MORE CLOSENESS. GIVE SPACE
Give space when it is covertly or overtly being asked of you. Read the signs. Needing space or time doesn’t mean he is pulling away, but if he is pushing you away—be patient and use the time to connect to yourself.
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ENJOY TIME ALONE
Relish the time and freedom of your own space. Enjoy your own company. Maintain your own separate identity and understand that everybody needs some time of their own.
to share your feelings, particularly your vulnerability. Here are few ways to help you to shift from depriving yourself of connection and trust in your relationships, to feeling as though it is OK to depend on someone, share your feelings and have your needs met.
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HEAL THE PAST
Think about the reasons that you started avoiding in the first place. Until you have healed, or grieved out all the reasons for needing to isolate yourself, it feels as if the very dangers of the past exist now, as well. Heal your past so that you don’t have to keep recreating it.
UPCOMING WORKSHOP
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STOP PULLING AWAY TO KEEP SAFE
You feel the need to pull away from others in order to keep a safe, but ironically, safety is found when you can maintain a strong sense of yourself even when others are trying to influence you. Stay true to yourself even in the company of others. What would happen if you stayed? What would happen if your trusted yourself enough not to get lost in the other persons emotions and to stay solid within yourself? If you still need space, you can ask for that but try staying first and moving toward love rather than away from love.
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LET GO OF THE IDEAL ‘PERFECT RELATIONSHIP’
Let go of the need for your partner to be perfect: “a thing of beauty is never perfect.” Everybody has flaws, practice accepting that your partner will sometimes let you down. Let go of the expectation that a healthy loving relationship is always easy or that your partner is always going to be “nice”. When love is present, everything that is not love shows up to be healed and sometimes this can be extremely difficult but if you use the challenges as stepping stones of growth, you will not resent them. Use these steps as a home practice. See the effects! To learn more, please click on the webpage below: www.eliyah.com.au
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ost relationships are fraught with some kind of struggle and distress. This largely stems from your “invisible partners” - the feminine in a man and the masculine in a woman which are largely uncultivated or expressed in unhealthy ways. What would it be like if we cultivated a healthy inner relationship, so that in our outer relationship we could to be best friends as well as erotic, passionate lovers? This is a Friendship on Fire! For us to relate to each other healthily, we need to trust ourselves and each other, open our hearts, reveal ourselves and share with vulnerability and transparency how we feel and what we need (feminine). This sharing needs to be direct and simple without all the story and fluff and needs to be received with presence, non-judgement, healthy boundaries and space holding (masculine). Both partners must be willing to be self-accountable and reflective rather than defensive and shaming. They need to have the capacity for joyful, connective, nurturing, deep intimacy, as well as erotic rapture that is unashamedly filled with pleasure and fully embodied surrender. If you feel you are ready for an ‘Awakened Relationship’ that balances authentic friendship with erotic fire, then please join the Eliyah Tantra School, 30-31st of March. It will bring ease, joy, flow and erotic bliss to your current relationship if you are in one, or it will prepare you for your next one. The first day will explore FRIENDSHIP and the second day will explore FIRE
Receive a 10% discount when you type TANYA in the promotional code section at check out.
www.eliyah.com.au/event/armelb12/
CLICK HERE TO BOOK NOW THEWHOLEOFYOU 17
CHAKRA
ALIGNMENT CAN HELP WITH RELATIONSHIP ISSUES The link between chakra alignment, can strengthen your relationship with yourself and your partner! (Here’s How)
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he chakras and relationships seem to be intrinsically connected! Our relationship with the seven chakras can be considered a powerful guidance, for not only living a healthy life, but also creating successful relationships too. Psychologist and councillors alike, can incorporate the beauty of 22 THEWHOLEOFYOU
WORDS: Tanya de Haan
chakras into their work, even in a subtle way. When the gifts and guidance of the chakras are used with their wisdom, in my opinion it appears they are closely correlated with other such therapies for example, the seven principles in The John Gottman Method whose’ approach has identified seven principles for
a successful relationship, for example they are: Enhancing Love Maps, Nurturing Fondness and Admiration, Turning Toward Each Other, Accepting Influence, Solving Solvable Problems, Overcoming Gridlock, Creating Shared Meaning. I have found personally that many clients experience
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SACRAL CHAKRA TO FEEL AND HAVE PLEASURE
This Chakra represents the way you truly like and respect your partner, through cherishing each other by ‘Sharing Fondness and Admiration’®, you feel honoured to be by each others side on the journey in life, and enjoying emotional, physical, and intellectual connection. Your focus on the level of respect to strengthen and you express appreciation towards each other.
improvement in their spiritual, personal, mental, physical wellbeing and relationships with self and others, when the chakras, are aligned and considered during sessions. When we also look at the seven principles from the Gottman Method for example, along side each chakra, in my opinion we can see how they relate and may help improve relationships here is how:
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ROOT CHAKRA, TO BE HERE AND TO HAVE
The first chakras relates to our roots and the principle of having a foundation of deep friendship. ‘Build love maps’®, which considers how well you know each other and are fully aware of your partners worries, stresses, joys, concerns, desires, hopes,
aspirations and dreams. You are truly genuinely interested in keeping up to date with what is going on in your partners life. Often checking in, during the morning and throughout the day. You truly care about each other and show it. Along with the aligned Root Chakra it offers you the sense of stability and strength in your life and also in your relationships. It is the foundation building the love for each other. The connection with the Root Chakra is to improve your relationship and also help strengthen the foundation so it not only survives the challenges, but thrives. This includes ways you nurture the relationship, helping your partner feel secure and safe with self-preservation.
As the Sacral Chakra represents a sense of connection, as well as abundance, wellbeing, pleasure, self-gratification and creativity, this is the antidote. It is also important to ‘allow’ yourself to feel pleasure, wellness and abundance. Showing your partner affection can improve connection within a relationship.
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SOLAR PLEXUS CHAKRA, THE STRENGTH TO ACT AS AN INDIVIDUAL
To help improve your relationships you are able to connect with respect and offer support to each other, when needed, even during times of conflict. It means, ‘Turn Towards Instead of Away’®. It allows you to remain confident, strong, with powerful will and THEWHOLEOFYOU 23
self-worth with who you are and a sense of caring during conflict, being able to let go of defensiveness and anger. Turning into your partner instead of away with conflict the small things in everyday life are building blocks of your relationships; Asking questions “Did you feel heard? Does the conflict resolve anything? Is there anything you need from me?”.
Ask your partner what he/she needs, to feel loved by you. Try to commit to making love an action as well as a feeling.
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THROAT CHAKRA TO SPEAK AND TO BE HEARD
ln all relationships we face many challenges, sometimes big and other times small. When it comes to ‘Managing Conflict’®, you HEART CHAKRA need to think about healthy I AM AND BE communication which includes THE LOVE sharing complaints without This is to learn to criticism, avoiding escalation, be, an accepting trying to soften in with loving influence and have presence during conflicts and a ‘Positive Perspective’®, to repair conflict by remembering, repairing with care after conyou are both on the same side, flict. Accepting that some issues working for the same team and working towards the same are unsolvable and learning the dialogue by making each goals to achieve happiness, other feel heard. connection and wellness in your relationships. The Throat Chakra allows you to have healthy communicaThe Heart Chakras helps you tion and to speak your truth. to be open and flexible, the It stems from the belief that giver and the receiver. Focuswords have weight and we ing on the us and the “we,” instead of “me,” or “I”, embrac- speak from a higher self with love, honesty and integrity. The ing the special and loving Throat Chakra connection in a moments you share together relationship is to improve and and allowing fulfillment to flow show your love with and withwith unity in mind. The Heart out words, (a smile, or loving Chakra directly impacts your expression), and to also share ability to create a relationship verbally, a thought and feeling with love and longing. Nurturcommunicated with respect. ing the quality of your love,
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forgiveness, and creating, joy and inner-peace.
Often when you speak, try to speak with one hand on your heart, you words will resonate with such a different feel, than if we speak form the mind/ego. 24 THEWHOLEOFYOU
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THIRD EYE CHAKRA TO SEE, INTUITIONS AND IMAGINATION
This relates to your relationship resilience in overcoming gridlock and ‘Making
life dreams come true’®. To experience conflict without feeling frustrated, hurt, stuck, unheard, devalued, or disconnected. In order to do so, it requires motivation, openness to explore underlying issues, with a mutual respect. Creating an environment that encourages your partner to talk honestly about their hopes, values and aspirations. To work together to make Life Dreams Come True. The Third Eye Chakra helps you focus and see the bigger picture, so you are able to step back and tap into your own innate intuition wisdom, and imagination. It can help improve your relationship through Intuition and insight. Sometimes something may get in the way of allowing you to be completely open in your relationship.
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CROWN CHAKRA TO KNOW AND TO LEARN
The seventh chakra relates to your growth and ‘Creating Shared Meaning’. It is important to understand your visions and metaphors about your relationships, as this is what creates a deep, connected and a inner understanding and knowing of your life together. It’s important for you to nurture rituals, goals, and enjoy a strong sense of shared openness and meaning that helps to be resilient during times of challenge, and enjoy a feeling
UPCOMING WORKSHOP
of being a strong team. The Crown Chakra enhances your ability to be fully connected spiritually to yourself and your partner. You are able to see the beauty around you and within each other. The Crown Chakra connection helps improve your relationship by feeling the energy flow in and down you, and bringing awareness to your own inner guru, that offers you great wisdom about your dreams, desires and goals in life and in your relationship. Ask your partner what they dream about in their life, and how you can help them realize that vision. Successful relationships are created with your awareness of how your chakras are playing out in your life. You can use these principles along with the 7 chakras, as a guide to allow you to grow emotionally and spiritually. Connecting and alingning your chakras with relationships, can only help contribute to you living a well connected, more conscious, and intimate life, that allows you to see the lessons and choices shown given to you! Tanya de Haan is a qualified Kinesiologist and Bowen Therapist, in Bayside Melbourne, Tanya runs workshops through out the year. To find out more please clink on the link below: www.seeforshorewellness.com
CHAKRA WORKSHOP USING ESSENTIAL OILS, AND KINESIOLOGY
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10TH OF MARCH 2019 12:30 PM – 3:30 PM BEAUMARIS MELBOURNE hakras’ are, the 7 energetic centres in our body, which energy flows through us.
Often when our emotions are out of balance, these centres become blocked and may manifest as a sense of dis-easement in forms of aches or pains and feelings of low energy in the body. It is most beneficial for our wellbeing to get to know which chakra centres are out of balance to restore energy flow and assist greater well-being. We can do this with essential oils. Each essential oil has it’s very own story, and they can help restore balance to the chakra areas by accessing the many symbolic expressions of the different essential oils, which help enhance your capacity to let go of symptoms, and emotions that may be holding you back, to move forward and restore balance again. It does this by opening you up, into a broader way of thinking and feeling, you may not yet have discovered. We will show you through kinesiology techniques which chakra show imbalances and how we can correct the imbalances using essential oils. For more information please vist the website link here: www.eventbrite.com.au/e/chakra-workshop-using-essential-oilsand-kinesiology-tickets-52200083856
FIND OUT MORE ABOUT CHAKRA WORKSHOP THEWHOLEOFYOU 25
HELPFUL RESOURSE The Return of the Gentleman By Dr. Dain Heer
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an a man be honorable, kind, and caring as well as potent? In Dr. Dain Heer’s book, he empowers men (and women who want to understand what the men in their lives may be facing) to answer the questions at the heart. This book is full of tools and strategies to help you get there. You will discover the
Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage By Mark Gungor
B
ased on Mark Gungor’s wildly popular seminar, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage® builds on Gungor’s success with tens of thousands of couples who credit him with enriching, and even saving, their marriages. By using his unique blend of humor and tell-it-like-it-is honesty, he helps couples get along and have fun doing it. Please click here to view book: LAUGH YOUR WAY TO A BETTER MARRIAGE
26 THEWHOLEOFYOU
myths and ingrained patterns that can ruin your chances for a fulfilling relationship and how to build nurturing connections with both the men and women in your life (as well as with the man in the mirror). Learn keys for honoring others without losing yourself and for inspiring the next generation! Please click here to view book: THE RETURN OF THE GENTLENAN
Sex Is Not a Four Letter Word But Relationship Often Is
THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES By: Gary Chapman
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arriage should be based on love, right? But does it seem as though you and your spouse are speaking two different languages? New York Times bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman guides couples in identifying, understanding, and speaking their spouse’s primary love language which are, quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. By learning the five love languages, you and your spouse will discover your unique love languages and learn practical steps in truly loving each other. There are specific,and simple steps to express a specific language to your partner and guide you in the right direction. To read the book please click the link here: THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES
ship that are based on psychological theories and principles. “If those really worked,” writes Gary Douglas, “wouldn’t you have been free, expansive and joyful in your relationship a long time ago?” Funny, frank, and delightfully irreverent, Sex Is Not A Four Letter Word But Relationship Often Is, offers readers an entirely fresh view of how to create great intimacy By Gary M Douglas & Dr. Dain Heer and exceptional sex, and proFunny, frank, and delightfully vides answers to questions you irreverent, this book offers may never have thought to ask. readers an entirely fresh view of how to create great intimacy How can you use energy to and exceptional sex. What if attract the person you’re interyou ould stop guessing and ested in? find out what REALLY works? How do you create the relationThis is a sharp and refreshing departure from conventional books about sex and relation-
ship you truly desire? To find out more click here:
SEX IS NOT A FOUR LETTER WORD
So This Is The End: A Love Story By: Alexandra Franzen This novel was inspired by the question, “If you knew that you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do with your time?”And also: “What if you met the love of your life… on the last day of your life?”, “An intense whirlwind of all the feelings,” “touching, funny and sexy,” and the kind of book that you need to “devour in one sitting” and that will get “tears streaming down your face.” To find out more please click here:
So This Is The End: A Love Story THEWHOLEOFYOU 27
GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT Marriage-even for marriage experts-is never easy. However Harville and Helen co-created Imago Relationship Therapy to promote the transformation of couples and families by a creating relational culture that support universal equality.
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arville Hendrix Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D. are internationally-respected couple’s therapists, educators, speakers, and New York Times bestselling authors. Together, they have written over 10 books with more than 4 million copies sold, including the timeless classic, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. In addition, Harville has even appeared on the Oprah Winfrey television program 17 times! Marriage-even for marriage experts-is not always easy. Harville and Helen explain Just like any other couple, they have experienced a power struggle where they attempted to change, coerce, and threaten each other to be “more like me.” A critical comment would degenerate into loud arguments and blaming each other was a common focus of conversation. After a decade of marriage, they found themselves teeter28 THEWHOLEOFYOU
WORDS: Tanya de Haan
ing on the brink of divorce. As Harville and Helen routinely trained other therapists how to save marriages, they started to lose hope that their own relationship would survive. Facing the inevitable, they decided to give one last try and commit to do everything possible to salvage their relationship. Their own teaching ironically made a big difference. Harville and Helen experienced the ultimate benefit of “practicing what you preach” to overcome negativity and learn to lovingly communicate with each other. They reconnected through the exercises they use to coach thousands of other couples, to restore their marriages, and enjoy a true partnership that has lasted over 30 years. Their story of hope and seasoned history of helping others uniquely qualifies Harville and Helen as true relationship experts. Harville and Helen have cocreated Imago Relationship Therapy and are now the
co-founders of Imago Relationships International, where they help promote the transformation of couples and families by a creating relational culture that support universal equality. They have now trained over 2,000 therapists and educators in 51 countries around the world. IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY, is applicable to couples, families, parents, and professionals who seek to be more effective in their life and relationships.
WHAT IS IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY?
Developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980, Imago Relationship Therapy is a form of relationship and couples therapy that focuses on relational counseling to transform any conflict between couples into opportunities for healing and growth. The Latin word “imago”meaning “image”-refers to the “unconscious image of familiar love.” What we find is
The following is an excerpt form the the New York Times bestseller 30th Edition, ‘Getting the Love You Want’. that there is frequently a connection between frustrations in adult relationships and early childhood experiences. As an example, individuals frequently criticized as a child will likely be highly sensitive to their partner’s criticism. Childhood feelings of abandonment, suppression or neglect will often arise in a marriage or committed relationship. When such “core issues” repeatedly come up with a partner, they can overshadow all that is good in a relationship and leave one to wonder whether he or she has chosen the right mate.Through Imago Relationship Therapy, couples
can learn to understand each other’s feelings and “childhood wounds” more empathically, allowing them to heal themselves and their relationships so they can move toward a more “Conscious Relationship.” As illustrated in Dr. Hendrix’s New York Times bestselling book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, learning and teaching the “Imago Dialogue” allows couples to move from blame and reactivity, to understanding and empathy, so they can create a deeper and loving connection with each other.
FROM CONFLICT TO HOPE
At some point in their relationship, couples often find themselves struggling with anger and shock, despair and sadness. Some are newlyweds, and can’t understand how they have plummeted from the heights of love and glory into a swamp of hopelessness and conflict. Others have been married for many years, and though they have been slogging along – in calm or storm – their days of wine and roses are a dim memory. Even if life at home is relatively peaceful, couples lament that they have “nothing in common anymore.” THEWHOLEOFYOU 29
And so they lead a disappointed or angry co-existence, each with their own friends and interests, in a marriage of convenience, or an arrangement they endure “for the sake of the children.” Shattered dreams, whatever form they take, are painful. But there is hope. In fact, the pain and conflict of committed relationships arise not out of lack of love for our partners, but from a misunderstanding of what love relationships are about. Your conflict can be the very fuel for the fulfillment you seek.
WHY DO WE FALL IN LOVE?
What is really happening when we fall in–and out of–love? What’s really going on when couples fight? To gain insight into the hidden agenda of a relationship, we need to look at the complex process of human growth and development, and at how we human beings fit into the larger scheme of things. We believe that we are creatures of nature, with the evolutionary program of our species encoded in our genes, and that we all begin life in a state of relaxed and joyful bliss. If our caretakers are attuned to our wants and needs, ready and able to provide warmth safety and sustenance, our feelings of aliveness and well-being are sustained. We remain whole. 30 THEWHOLEOFYOU
But even in the best of circumstances, our parents are not able to maintain perfect standards, to be available every minute, to always understand exactly what is needed or to meet every demand. Tired, angry, depressed, busy, ill, distracted, afraid–our parents fail to sustain our feelings of security and comfort. Every unmet need causes fear and pain and, in our infantile ignorance, we have no idea how to stop it and restore our feeling of safety. As a response, we adopt primitive coping mechanisms ranging from constant crying to get attention to withdrawing inward and denying that we even have needs. Meanwhile, throughout our childhood, we are also being socialized, molded by our caretakers and communities to fit into society. Observant and malleable, we learn what to do to gain love and acceptance. We repress or disown parts of ourselves that society finds unacceptable or unlovable. Our sense of “allrightness” diminishes, and we end up as shadows of our whole, true selves. Most of us had “good enough” caretakers; we do all right. Some of us didn’t fare so well, and our lives are handicapped by deep hurts. All of us were wounded in childhood to some extent. We are now coping as well as we can with the world and our relationships, but parts of our true nature were suppressed in the unconscious. We look grown up–we have
jobs and responsibilities–but we are walking wounded, trying to live life fully while unconsciously hoping to somehow restore the sense of joyful aliveness we began with. When we fall in love, we believe we’ve found that sense of joyful aliveness! Suddenly, we see life in technicolor. We nibble each others’ ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We’re sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. We feel whole, we feel like ourselves. Finally we feel safe, and breathe a sigh of relieved deliverance. It looks like everything is going to turn out all right, after all.
WHY DOES FALLING IN LOVE GO WRONG?
But inevitably–often when we marry or move in together– things just start to go wrong. In some cases, all hell breaks loose. The veil of illusion falls away, and it seems that our partners are different than we thought they were. It turns out they have qualities that we can’t bear. Even qualities we once admired grate on us. Old hurts are reactivated as we realize that our partners cannot or will not love and care for us as they promised. Our dream shatters. Disillusionment turns to anger, fueled by fear that we won’t survive without the love and safety that was within our grasp. Since our partner is no longer willingly giving us what we need, we change tactics,
trying to maneuver our partners into caring–through anger, crying, withdrawal, shame, intimidation, criticism–whatever works. We will make them love us. Or we may negotiate for time, love, chores, gifts. The power struggle has begun, and may go on for many years, until we split. Or we settle into an uneasy truce. What is going on here? Apparently you have found an Imago partner. Someone, I’m afraid, who is uniquely unqualified (at the moment), to give you the love you want. Furthermore, this is what’s supposed to happen! Let me explain. We all think that we have freedom of choice when it comes to selecting our partners. But regardless of what it is we think we’re looking for in a mate, our unconscious has its own agenda. Our primitive “old” brain has a compelling, non-negotiable drive to restore the feeling of aliveness and wholeness that we came into the world with. To accomplish that, it must repair the damage done in childhood as a result of unmet needs, and the way it does that is to find a partner who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide. You’d think, then, that we would choose someone who has what our caretakers
lacked. If only that were so! But the old brain has a mind of its own, with its own checklist of desired qualities. It is carrying around its own image of the perfect partner, a complex synthesis of qualities formed in reaction to the way our caretakers responded to our needs. Every pleasure or pain, every transaction of childhood, has left its mark on us, and these collective impressions form an unconscious picture we’re always trying to replicate as we scan our environment for a suitable mate. This image of “the person who can make me whole again” I call the Imago. Though we consciously seek only the positive traits, the negative traits of our caretakers are more indelibly imprinted in our Imago picture, because those are the traits which caused the painful experiences we now seek to heal. Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone who reminds us of our caretakers. In other words, we look for someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place. So when we fall in love, when bells ring and the world seems altogether a better place, our old brain is telling us that we’ve found someone with whom we can finally get our needs met. Unfortunately, since we don’t understand what’s going on,
we’re shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces, and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction. But that’s not all the bad news. Another powerful component of our Imago is that we seek the qualities missing in ourselves that got lost in the shuffle of socialization. If we are shy, we seek someone outgoing; if we’re disorganized, we’re attracted to someone cool and rational. But eventually, when our own feelings— our repressed exuberance or anger—are stirred, we are uncomfortable, and criticize our partners for being too outgoing, too coldly rational, to temperamental.
WHY IS CONFLICT GOOD!?
Being aware of ourselves is the key; it changes everything. When we understand that we have chosen our partners to heal certain painful experiences, and that the healing of those experiences is the key to the end of longing, we have taken the first step on the journey to real love. What we need to understand and accept is that conflict is supposed to happen. This is as nature intended it: Everything in nature is in conflict. Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met and become whole. It’s only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive. THEWHOLEOFYOU 31
Divorce does not solve the problems of relationship. We may get rid of our partners, but we keep our problems, carting them into the next relationship. Divorce is incompatible with the intentions of nature. Romantic love is supposed to end. It is the glue that initially bonds two incompatible people together so that they will do what needs to be done to heal themselves.
and set you on the path of real love.
HOW TO MAKE CONFLICT BRING US CLOSER
Many couples’ problems are rooted in misunderstood, manipulated, or avoided communications. To correct this, we have created the Imago Dialogue, the core skill of Imago Practice.
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realm of the other, while holding onto our own, separate experience. Initially, Dialogue may feel artificial. With practice, it will become seamless and connecting. In the Dialogue, both partners cross a bridge into each other’s worlds, motivated not only by the Receiver’s desire to be “hear and understand”
REGARDLESS OF WHAT WE MAY BELIEVE, RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT BORN OF LOVE, BUT OF NEED; REAL LOVE IS BORN IN RELATIONSHIPS, AS A RESULT OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT THEY ARE ABOUT AND DOING WHAT IS NECESSARY TO HAVE THEM.
Regardless of what we may believe, relationships are not born of love, but of need; real love is born in relationships, as a result of understanding what they are about and doing what is necessary to have them. You may already be with your dream partner, but at the moment, he or she is in disguiseand, like you, in pain. A Conscious Relationship itself is the practice you need to restore your sense of aliveness. The goal of Imago Practice is to change the power struggle 32 THEWHOLEOFYOU
Using this effective communications technique, you can restructure the way you talk to each other, so that what you say to each other is mirrored back to you, is validated, and empathized with. You can use the Imago Dialogue to tell each other all about your childhoods, to state your frustrations clearly, and to articulate exactly what you need from each other in order to heal. Clear communication is a window into the world of your partner; truly being heard is a powerful aphrodisiac. Over time, we move from a staring at exteriors to a sharing of interiors, as we learn to participate in the emotional
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The good news is that although many couples become hopelessly locked in the power struggle, it too is supposed to end.
but also to meet the Sender’s need to be “heard and understood.” The Dialogue fosters intentionality, a commitment to slow down our lives and devote specific uninterrupted time to our relationships. The Dialogue ultimately says to the other, “I respect your otherness; I want to learn from it. And I want to share mine with you.” One of the greatest learnings of Dialogue is the discovery of two distinct worlds. Whenever two people are involved, there are always two realities. These realities will always be different in small and large ways, no matter what. And the reality of the other person can be understood, accepted, valued,
and even loved but not made to be identical to our own.
FINDING TRUE LOVE
The Dialogue must also be turned into action: we give our partners what they need, and not just what is easy to give. Now we come to the heart of the matter: in a Conscious relationship we agree to change in order to give our partner what s/he needs. This is a radical idea. Conventional wisdom says that people don’t change, that we should simply learn to accept each other as we are. But without change, there is no growth; we are confined to the fate, to remaining stuck in our unhappiness. Change is the catalyst for healing. In changing to give our partners what they need, we heal our own painful experiences. Our own behavior was born in response to our particular deprivations; it is our adaptation to loss. In giving our partners what is hardest for us to give, we have to bring our hidden selves out into the light, owning and enlivening parts of ourselves. When we change our behavior in response to our mate, we heal our partner and ourselves. I call the process by which we alter our entrenched behaviors to give our partners what they need stretching, for it requires that we conquer our fears and do what comes unnaturally. Our resistance reflects our defenses. Often we may feel that we’re losing ourselves but we
are not ourselves now; it is in the crucible of change that we regain ourselves. Over the course of time, as our partners demonstrate their love for us, as they learn about and accept our hidden selves, and as we stretch to love our partners, our pain and selfabsorption diminishes. We restore our empathic feelings for our partners, and our feelings of connection to the other that were lost in the pain of our childhood. Finally we learn to see our partners for themselves, with their own private world of personal meaning, their own ideas and dreams, and not merely as extensions of ourselves, or as we wish they were. We no longer say, “You liked that awful movie?”, but rather “Tell me why you liked that movie. I want to know how you think.”
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Finally, we can relax; everything is all right. A conscious relationship is a spiritual path which leads us home again, to joy and aliveness, to the feeling of oneness we started out with. All through the course of Imago Practice, we learn to express love as a behavior daily, in large and small ways: in other words, in stretching to give our partner what they need, we learn to love. The transformation of our relationships may not be accomplished easily or quickly; we are setting off on a lifelong journey.
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