The Hendersons

Apple House | Photograph by Kirsten Doane

The Hendersons

by Lauren Grobman

THE KITCHEN TABLE

Curtains open to a family sitting at a table. It appears to be an early 1960s all-American household. The father, Richard, still in his business suit, is drinking a beer and staring at the TV. His wife, Deborah, is wearing a dress and apron and is smoking a cigarette. Their young son, Wilbur, is sitting next to her, wearing an astronaut helmet and playing with a stuffed animal. The stuffed animal has a seat at the table. Next to Wilbur is his older sister, Sandra, who is dressed casually and playing with her food. A plastic baby doll is also seated at the table. Skeeter Davis’ song “The End of the World” is playing. The song plays up until Deborah gets up and turns off the radio. The song should stop immediately after the line “Why does the sea rush to shore?” and then everything snaps to. The TV starts playing the show Gunsmoke loudly, the son is having a full-fledged conversation with his stuffed animal, the wife is complaining about the neighbors and the daughter is continuing to play with her food. Deborah is giving Richard some more tuna casserole when she notices Sandra is not eating.

DEBORAH Sandra, honey, why aren’t you eating?

SANDRA I... um...

DEBORAH What is it? You can tell me.

SANDRA It’s just that...

DEBORAH Is this about your weight?

SANDRA No! I just...

WILBUR Mom, can Leroy have some more meatloaf?

DEBORAH Please be quiet, honey! Okay, what is it?

SANDRA I’m training.

DEBORAH Training to be what?

SANDRA It’s hard to explain.

DEBORAH What training involves not eating food? Wait, are you going to go into pageantry just like your mother?

SANDRA What? No!

DEBORAH Let me get my sashes.

Deborah runs off stage.

RICHARD Women.

WILBUR Women.

SANDRA She doesn’t need to go-

RICHARD That would be great though, wouldn’t it? You’d be a pageant girl and then get a rich and charming husband, just like your mother?

SANDRA That’s not what-

RICHARD And when you’re a pageant girl, you do real well with getting a husband. And then your life will be perfect.

SANDRA Father!

RICHARD Did you just raise your voice?!

SANDRA No, I’m sorry!

RICHARD I should’ve gone to ‘Nam!

WILBUR Leroy is full.

SANDRA AND RICHARD Shut up!

RICHARD So, what is it?

SANDRA I’m training to be a...

RICHARD A...?

SANDRA Competitive eater.

RICHARD What the hell is that?

SANDRA It’s where you compete in eating mass quantities of food in short periods of time. Like thirty hot dogs in eight minutes.

Richard gets up.

SANDRA What are you doing?

RICHARD Getting cigarettes for when your mother hears about this.

WILBUR I support my wife on everything. Especially her smoking habit because every time she yaps her mouth I wish she would drop dead!

RICHARD What the hell?!

SANDRA Wilbur, where did you hear that?

WILBUR Daddy.

SANDRA Oh my god.

RICHARD Wilbur! I told you not to not snitch on me AND I told you not to call me that. Call me your old man.

WILBUR Because you’re old?

RICHARD No! I should’ve gone to ’Nam.

WILBUR Where’s ’Nam?

RICHARD Heaven compared to dealing with you people.

DEBORAH What the hell?!

Deborah storms on stage, carrying several bulging plastic bags.

RICHARD Woman! Mouth!

DEBORAH Shut it, Richard! Call me woman again, I dare you. Because next time I will make your lunch for work like I always do, all pretty. I’ll give it to you while I look all pretty. While we stand in our house all pretty. But, you know what won’t be pretty, Richard? You know what won’t be funny? I will put the soap for the dishwasher in your Thermos and let your drop to your knees like a guy who got shot in ’Nam!

Silence.

SANDRA Wow, Mom.

DEBORAH Oh, you’re not getting off the hook either! You know, I didn’t end up getting the pageant stuff. You know why I didn’t get all of my pageant accoutrements? All of which I would have had to make two separate trips for? Because when I was making my way up to the attic, I smelled something. Something...something that smelled putrid. Absolutely repulsive. I asked myself, what could that smell be? The scent seems to be oozing out of your closet, and you know what I see?

Deborah opens up the bags to have tons and tons of hot dogs fly out.

Why do you have so many hot dogs in your closet? Why can’t you just be a normal teenage girl and go smoke cigarettes behind the bleachers? Please, go smoke. Richard, throw her the pack!

RICHARD Really?

DEBORAH No!

SANDRA Mom... This is my dream. This is my passion.

DEBORAH Jesus Christ, you’re going to try and justify this?

SANDRA You don’t even get me! Competitive eating is my life! Look how many I can eat!

Sandra throws herself on the floor and starts eating the hot dogs.

DEBORAH Get up! Can you not do this right now? Just have some consideration! Mommy is going to have a full-on anger blackout.

WILBUR Mommy, Leroy is scared!

Deborah starts screaming as she grabs the stuffed animal and rips off its head.