T he L og Tabor Academy’s Student Newspaper
thelog@taboracademy.org
Volume 95, Number 2
December 2020
Marion Memorializes a Town Hero
Statue of Elizabeth Taber Greets the Town by Hailey Cohen
In 1791, between Main and South Streets in Marion Village, Taber was born. She grew up with one sister and five brothers, and from the beginning, she had an interest in women’s education, which was severely lacking at the time. Later on, Taber became a teacher to follow her passion. She married a clockmaker and had three children, all of whom passed away before the age of six. Her husband passed away as well, soon after the Civil War. Then a widow, Taber moved from her impressive home in New Bedford back to her childhood town of Marion. By then, her adept management of her husband’s investments had yielded quite the fortune.
Photo by Gary Lawrence
Elizabeth Taber was a remarkable woman who helped shape present-day Marion. To commemorate all that she has done for the town, Marion has erected a statue of her in the park across from the Town Hall. This statue is a reminder of her generous contributions and good works.
Nicknamed the “Fairy Godmother of Marion,” Taber used her wealth to help transform the town. Some of her contributions include funding for the First Congregational Church, the Elizabeth Taber Library, the Marion Music Hall, the Marion Natural History Museum, and Tabor Academy (named for Mount Tabor in Palestine). These generous donations were formative to the development of the town and greatly influenced art, music, culture, and education in Marion. The newly installed statue of Elizabeth Taber was created by Erik Durant, a notable sculptor from New Bedford. The statue is included in New Bedford’s Lighting the Way Project that features the significant accomplishments of 60 women from Southern Massachusetts. Major donors of the statue include the Sippican Historical Society, with a contribution of $50,000, and Tabor Academy, with a contribution of $10,000.
The statue itself depicts Taber sitting on a bench with her legs crossed at the ankles, holding a pipe, dressed in everyday clothes for that time period. Controversy arose over the depiction of Taber among townsfolk. There was opposition to a pipe being included in the statue because some were concerned that a pipe would encourage children who saw the statue to smoke. However, Taber was known for smoking a pipe around Marion, and the addition of a pipe in her statue helped to humanize her. Elizabeth Taber will now be immortalized in Marion as a great contributor to the town. This statue commemorates her dedicated work and devotion to make Marion the town it is today.
Getting to Know BSUxSHADES by Piper McKerrow After the killings of Amhaud Abery, Breanna Taylor, and George Floyd, protests in response to the racial injustices in the United States emerged all over the country. A group of students including Jada Trench ’22, Jordyn Smith ’22, Kai Watts ’21, Liv Justice ’22, Marissa Wong ’22, Sara Gonzalez ’21, and Jahmeir Warfield ’21 decided that they needed to take action here at Tabor and formed the Black Student Union x SHADES. Jada says, “It started last year with the beginning of SHADES, and after everything that happened over the summer and Tabor had a lack of response, we all started talking and decided that something needed to be done.”
This group aims to provide a safe and empowering space for students of color and opportunities for cultural enrichment at Tabor. In their mission statement they outline the group’s purpose: “...to develop a platform that affirms and empowers the Black community while promoting solidarity and the idea of allyship beyond our small percentage.”
BSUxSHADES has been frustrated by the lack of response from the Tabor administration. Jordyn says, “Several individual faculty members have reached out, but on an administrative level, no one has acknowledged us or come to the Debriefs.”
In response, Julie Salit, Interim Head of School adds, “I’m being seen as the Head of School, and therefore I am curious, am I causing a different kind of conversation to take place? Does it make sense for me to go to all of [the Debriefs], so people start to get more comfortable, or does it make more sense to have individual conversations, and someone can bring my perspective?”
Jada continues, “We haven’t applied pressure, but at the same time should we have to, for change to be made?” The Tabor Administration had not directly addressed BSUxSHADES, which was frustrating and saddening to its members as they want and deserve the support from their school. Julie Salit adds, “I have met with the BSUxSHADES group twice now with another meeting scheduled for next week.” To spark conversation among all members of the community, BSUxSHADES holds Debriefs every Thursday, covering a variety of topics ranging from what it means to be an ally vs. what it means to be anti-racist to the election. Kai explains, “Debriefs are seen as a person of color thing or as an activist thing, so a lot of people separate themselves from it.”
She sees the Debriefs as a way to educate others and have a discussion, which is why it is necessary for people to participate. Debriefs have covered why content continued on p. 3
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Meet the Fall Editors of The Log
By Catherine Terelak
This month I sat down with this fall’s editors of The Log, Hailey Cohen and Grace Crowley, to get the scoop on what they’re all about: What’s the purpose of life?
Hailey: I think the purpose of life is to make a positive impact while we have the chance. Who is your celebrity crush?
Grace: Leonardo DiCaprio or Carey Mulligan in The Great Gatsby.
Hailey: Obviously young Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, or young Robert Sean Leonard in Dead Poets Society. What’s your deepest fear?
Grace: Pushing a shopping cart.
Hailey: My deepest fear is death because it’s scary. Although I wouldn’t want to be immortal either, so it’s really a personal dilemma. Favorite song?
Grace: “I Know the End” by Phoebe Bridgers
Hailey: Currently, it’s pretty much anything by The Police, specifically “Message In A Bottle.”
Grace: Probably Jamba Juice. There isn’t much seating, but it always hits different in an airport. Hailey: I would choose Uno because their Italian Wedding Soup is to die for. What’s the last book you read?
Grace: I just finished The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, but that was for English class. My last completely voluntary read was the first half of Brideshead Revisited, which I am looking forward to finishing.
Hailey: The last book I read was Daisy Jones & the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid, which reads like a documentary of a 70s rock band. Needless to say, I highly recommend it. What are the kids doing these days?
Grace: Not sure. I feel mildly disconnected from everyone around me.
Hailey: The kids are all on the TikToks nowadays. Curse modern technology!
If you could spend 24 hours with any famous person, dead or alive, who would it be? Grace: Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. Absolute icons.
Hailey: I would probably spend the day with Emma Watson because she’s really inspirational to me.
10 Years: Past, Present, and Future
Getting to Know BSUxSHADES in class is sometimes intense and triggering to how Tabor has responded to Black History Month and Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
If Debriefs were occasionally mandatory, it could spark an important conversation that could make a big impact on the community.
Liv points out, “Even if you don’t believe in the same things that we as a group do, we would still appreciate it if you came. They are only productive when people participate from different walks of life. So come to the Debrief!” When asked what Tabor can do for the future, Jahmeir says, “Athletes have to step up, they hold a lot of power, people watch them.” Jordyn adds, “[To Tabor Administration] make a blatant statement. Spell [Black Lives Matter] out if you need to.” Lastly, Sara, Kai, and Jada reiterate “Don’t be complacent. [Be] an ally.”
The non-pandemic related disarray of the world by Alex Fox The world is in a whole lot of turmoil right now, unrelated to a certain big thing that dominates the news these days. The chaos I’d like to refer to is the collapse of many governments around the world: It’s not only the U.S. that’s falling apart right now. Recently, there have been numerous disputes between the people and their government. In August, there was an election in Belarus. President Alexander Lukashenko was declared victorious by his own regime, and the people were outraged. They had had enough with the president during his 26-year reign. President Lukashenko has shown he will use force on his country and has cracked down on protests. But his nation is resisting and unwilling to be governed by him. People have been protesting for change in power ever since the election, but the only thing that has changed is that the front-running opposition candidates from the election have fled the country. He faced sanctions by the EU and the U.S. but still does not want to back down. Russia backed Belarus and endorsed the president’s rule. Protests are still happening in Belarus. Another country that had similar problems recently is Thailand. The people are not happy with their government and want to change their constitution, to be allowed to criticize the government, and their prime minister to resign. If someone criticizes the king and his family they go to prison for 3-15 years. Protesters have consistently turned out in droves and in even larger crowds when police used water cannons
pinion
by Hailey Cohen
Where do Tabor students imagine themselves in 10 years? What about alumni who graduated 10 years ago? What are their lives like now, and how does that compare to where they thought they would be 10 years after graduation? Here are some current Tabor seniors (Class of 2021) and alumni (Class of 2011) to offer their perspectives.
Danny Shannon ’21 In ten years I see myself somewhere interesting and lively (probably somewhere in Western Europe) working in the field of policymaking, not necessarily in politics but maybe with a think tank or something. Something where I can connect to the world and hopefully help people. I’d like to be in a serious relationship if it happens and I think I want a dog. Overall I just hope I’m getting to see the world and I’m healthy and fulfilled!
Allie Cunningham ’11 I was voted “most unpredictable” in the yearbook—so that may give you a hint as to where I saw my future. I will say, I never saw myself in a corporate office. I saw myself working with animals or working close to outdoor spaces.
I currently live outside of Telluride, Colorado. I graduated college, after transferring twice and switching my major three times. I ultimately graduated on time in 2015 with a major I loved, Ecology and Evolutionary Biology. Post college, I was a fly fishing guide in Telluride, but then I realized I wanted to be an entrepreneur who spread positive impact. I started a small scale flower farm business and sold organic and local flowers to florists around the area. This was my passion, my everything. When the farmland was sold, the business had to close.
After the flower farm, I was thinking about solutions to problems in our world, so in Fall of 2019 I created the Set It Down movement that motivates individuals to set down their screens. I won a female founders competition in May and have been working hard getting a prototype created and product launched! So, you can say I’ve achieved a little or a lot. I’ve found my passions and actually pursued them. I thought that by this age if I didn’t have everything figured out, I would be looked at as a failure. What I have realized, however, is that I don’t need to rush. I can move, explore, find new jobs. But my happiness and well-being will always be first. I listen to my gut and I go with it.
Photo by Pinterest
Grace: I’m not sure. I’d like to think that the purpose of life is to better the world, but I don’t know if I’m doing a good job at that.
If you could live in any chain restaurant, which would you choose?
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continued from p. 1
with chemical irritants in them. The king of Thailand spends most of his time in Germany and is one of the richest men in the world, an arrangement that the Thai people want to change. Although Thailand’s government has rolled back a few laws and considered amending the constitution it has made no real progress.
The third and final country that has been in turmoil recently is Kyrgyzstan. The elections, similar to those in Belarus, were disputed, and ever since many political factions have been subject to fighting. On October 4, the voting commission declared the election results were annulled after protesters stormed the main government building, the “White House.’’ The protesters were not pleased over the outcome of the election, in which many of the votes went to pro-government candidates. When they gained control over the White House, they replaced government officials with their own and assigned a new prime minister, Sadyr Zhaparov. President Sooronbai Jeenbekov claimed he still had control of the government, but resigned on October 15 to Sadyr Zhaparov. Parliament elections were set for December and the presidential vote in January. The new government found that the constitution does not allow the acting president to run in the election, so Parliament deliberated about how to reform the constitution. The parliamentary elections have been postponed until they finish reforming the constitution. Based on reports from the New York Times and Washington Post
pinion
pinion
Adam O’Reilly ’11 When I graduated from Tabor ten years ago, I thought I would be out of the military and in graduate school or working somewhere in the civilian sector by now. I thought that I would be living in the Boston area, working a desk job essentially. After Tabor I went to the University of Miami on an Army ROTC scholarship, earning a degree in economics and being commissioned as a second lieutenant in the army. Additionally, I just earned a Master of Science in Management from Troy University. Currently I’m a Captain in the US Army serving as an Aviation Officer. I am rated as a pilot-in-command and air mission commander in the CH-47F Chinook Helicopter. In 2018, I deployed to Afghanistan in support of Operation Freedom’s sentinel, flying combat missions in support of American special forces and our Afghan partnered forces. I served as a Chinook platoon leader for two years, and then I commanded a public affairs detachment for a year.
If you had asked me ten years ago if this is where I would be, I wouldn’t have believed you. I never thought I would have a wife with three beautiful children by now, I never thought I would be a combat veteran flying helicopters, and I never thought I would still be in the Army enjoying a successful career.
Lela Krien ’21 Ten years from now, I see myself as an independent, healthy, and most important of all, happy person. I see myself living somewhere nice, in or near the woods so I can go for a hike every day. I’d like to live in a place where the stress of the outside world can’t reach me and disturb my peace. I’ll go to whatever job I have during the day, which will hopefully be fulfilling as it is, but then get to go home and relax in the evening. With any luck, I’ll have a pet, and perhaps a significant other to love, to keep me company, but I won’t be mad if I’m single. Overall, I see myself having a humble life, but one that I am excited to live every day.
A Recap of the First Presidential Debate: Will You Shut Up, Man?
by Grace Crowley On September 30, America tuned in for its first presidential debate of the 2020 election. I was one of many wondering, “How has America, the leader of the free world, strayed so far from the shining beacon of democracy?” After much consideration, I came to the conclusion: a lack of decorum. Any delegate to the Model United Nations could break down that issue, and, now, so will I. In Model UN—MUN for short—the head honcho with the gavel is called the Honorable Chair. You just don’t cross the Chair; it’s not parliamentary, per se.
Not even ten minutes into the debate, I was already bewildered by moderator Chris Wallace’s repeated attempts to silence President Donald J. Trump as he continuously yapped out of turn. The sheer number of “Mister Presidents” that came from Wallace was extraordinary. I believe Trump’s disregard for his allotted time was the primary reason the infamous “mute-button” was introduced in the final presidential debate. Etiquette aside, I was anticipating the mention of a bombshell dropped mere days before the debate: Donald J. Trump’s 2017 tax bill. It is common knowledge that a New York Times investigation exposed the billionaire’s 2017 tax payment of a mere $750, and it quickly became a hot topic for the debate. When Wallace questioned the president about his taxes, America received a baseless, vague response in which Trump claims he paid “millions of dollars.” To my dismay, the potential dumpster fire was doused by Trump’s avoidance of a direct answer, and the debate moved on
to the next topic.
While I entered the debate with a “settle for Biden” mindset, our fine sir Joe eventually won me over with his blunt yet comedic responses, even if they were presumably constructed by one of his campaign staff. I find Biden’s colloquial use of the word “man” to be an argument in itself, with his infamous debate line of “Will you shut up, man?” In the midst of an absolute disaster of a debate, I found Biden’s use of “man” to be the most coherent argument from either side. Many comforting things come to my mind when I hear this word used in this context. I think of some casual banter with my dad during a car ride, or maybe an Adam Sandler movie. Biden effectively humanized himself to viewers through this familiar word, garnering the attention of both casual viewers and debate analysts.
Overall, I believe this debate contributed not only to the upcoming election but American history as a whole. Yes, many young voters were swayed not to just “settle for Biden” but genuinely support him, but the absolute incoherent, disrespectful spectacle that the debate became set the stage for modern American politics. The presidency has lost the unspoken requirement that one must be capable of civil discourse, and nothing exemplifies that better than this debate, which is already being declared by countless newspapers to be the worst in the history of the United States.
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Maskne Skincare: Clarifying Advice by Niya Plynton Is mask wearing giving YOU a nasty breakout? Here are my pro tips for dealing with maskne:
For active pimples under masks, I’ve been absolutely loving acne patches. Hydrocolloid, the active ingredient in acne patches, reduces redness, irritation, and scarring. Acne patches do double duty for your skin, healing the pimple and preventing it from rubbing against your cloth mask. Mighty Patch acne patches will get the job done. They’re $14.99 from HeyDay Skincare. If you’re looking for something outside the box, the patches from Starface are a stylish way to add color and flair to your skincare routine. A common trend these days is face masks. With so many options on the market— peel-off masks, sheet masks, and clay masks—it’s difficult to know which is right for your skin. Peel-off masks and clay masks have no scientific benefits and may actually be harmful to your skin. The popular Aztec clay mask is especially harmful, stripping the skin with a harsh apple cider vinegar additive. Apple cider vinegar has a pH of 2, and human skin has a pH of 5.5, which means this mask is far too acidic for your skin. Another infuriating trend is collagen sheet masks. Collagen
literally cannot be absorbed by the human skin, so steer clear of those products. Two masks that are a surefire fix for maskne without all the dangerous chemical baloney are Soon Jung sheet mask and the Versed Clarifying Mask.
Here are a few maskne product recommendations based on skin type:
Dry Skin: Korean Moisturizer, Gentle acne prevention cleanser, Korean gel cleanser
Oily Skin: Niacinamide Serum, Green purito sunscreen (POC friendly), Hydrating toner Combination Skin: Very gentle, very effective resurfacing serum, all-purpose moisturizer, kaolin mask
As a final word to my budding skincare gurus, I’d like to remind everyone that you can have acne and still have healthy skin. What matters most in life is getting back up when you fall, dreaming big, and washing your face. Keep your skin in top-notch condition in these unprecedented times. Masks might be the new normal, but maskne doesn’t have to be.
Photo by Clipart Library
The Big Binge Review: Attack on Titan by Teagan McCain
by Piper McKerrow Finn ’21 and Teagan ’22 McCain are Tabor royalty. They have lived on campus their entire lives; their two siblings, Gwen and Jack, graduated from Tabor; and their parents, Mary Kate and Andrew, are prized members of the faculty and staff. It is fair to say that the McCains are well represented in many aspects of the Tabor community. The McCain family’s positivity, sense of humor, and enthusiasm is felt by all. In this edition of Family Feud, get to know the McCain brothers. Read their attached answers to find out a little more about Finn and Teagan!
Teagan:
Finn:
Q: If you had a walkout song, what would it be and why?
Q: If you had a walkout song, what would it be and why?
“Departure” by Masatoshi Ono! It never fails to get me hyped up.
“Your Graduation” by Modern Baseball. That song is one of my all time favorites. The energy that they bring is awesome.
Q: What is your absolute dream job? Caviar farmer.
Q: If you were to go to the Olympics, what would you want to go for? Gymnastics. I want to be the first gymnast over 6 ft.
Q: What is the most exotic food you have ever eaten?
Attack on Titan is a shonen anime currently being animated by WIT studios, the animators of the critically acclaimed Vinland Saga. The show follows Eren Jaeger, a teenager who grows up in a world where humankind has been confined to living inside three large walls—Wall Maria, Wall Rose, and Wall Sina—by their predators, the Titans. The story follows Eren as the Titans breach the walls and continually push humanity to the brink of extinction. A common theme among shonen animes is a young protagonist who is bestowed with great power and must learn to use it to save their friends. Attack on Titan is no different. Eren has the ability to turn into a Titan, thus making him the only effective weapon humanity has against the Titans. As Eren grows, his abilities become more refined, as he fights against Titans, and starts to give humanity hope in defeating their oppressors. Similar to a child creating new rules to a game of tag, Attack on Titan often adds in new information that suddenly changes the show fairly often. Although adding these things helps to further the show’s plot, oftentimes it can seem unplanned. Still, the main character, Eren, is extremely unlikeable. Although he is the most powerful human being on the planet, he is always complaining and sulking. But suddenly after two episodes of feeling sorry for himself he’ll feel the urge to fight, and this cycle often repeats in the show, which makes him a somewhat predictable character. Attack on Titan is one of the most beautifully animated shows to have come out in the past decade. The time and care that WIT studios put into the show is obvious. In every single shot and scene not a single detail goes unaccounted for. Their technique of mixing CGI and fast motion animating leads to wonderfully made fight scenes where action and movement are perfectly captured. The writing of every side character bolsters the story, and not a single character could be viewed as unimportant. Although there are some minor pitfalls of the show, this show is extremely watchable, and will keep your eyes glued to the screen at all times.
T he L og The Tabor Log is the student produced newspaper of Tabor Academy. The Log is distributed to students, faculty and staff. The Tabor Log welcomes Letters to the Editors. Please send submissions of fewer than three hundred fifty words to thelog@taboracademy.org. The Log reserves the right to edit submissions for space and/or clarity.
Co-Editors: Hailey Cohen Grace Crowley Meghan MacDonald Tessa Mock Editorial Board: Alex Fox Olivia Justice Anastasia Kinsley Piper McKerrow Niya Plynton Catherine Terelak
Photo Editor: Tracy Fang Photography: Photo Pool
Faculty Advisor: Helene Sughrue
Kangaroo meat.
Q: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you pick and why? Prague. My sister said it was dopesauce. Q: What is your biggest fear? Public speaking.
Q: What is your absolute dream job?
Stay-at-home dad with a very successful wife.
Q: If you were to go to the Olympics, what would you want to go for? Archery.
Q: What is the most exotic food you have ever eaten? Dragon Fruit, and boy-oh-boy was it scrumdiddlyumptious.
Q: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you pick and why? Coastal Greece because it is beautiful, have you seen the view? Q: What is your biggest fear?
Falling from a height, not like from a skateboard, but from a large height like a ladder and other high places such as buildings, Medium Iced regular. mountains, large hills, two ladders stacked on top of one another, Q: If you had your own late night talk show, who would your or even three ladders. first celebrity guest be? Q: What is your go to Dunkin Donuts order? Q: What is your go to Dunkin Donuts order?
Keanu Reeves.
Q: What is the best and worst purchase you have ever made?
My go to Dunkin’ order is an apple juice and the power breakfast sandwich.
My best purchase is Spotify premium. The worst has got to be when Q: If you had your own late night talk show, who would your I bought $12 of Pokemon cards. first celebrity guest be? Q: How do you feel about pineapple on pizza? Either Norm Macdonald, Barack Obama, Justin Beiber, or character I think you can do whatever you want with your pizza, but I do not actress, Margot Martindale. prefer it. Q: What is the best and worst purchase you have ever made? Q: If there was a random big red button, would you press it? The worst purchase I have ever made was a small wallet, and the Why or why not? best purchase I ever made was a bigger wallet. I would press a big random red button, unless I found said button Q: How do you feel about pineapple on pizza? in The Pentagon or The White House. Pineapple has never done anything to me. Q: What’s the most ridiculous fact you know?
Q: If there was a random big red button, would you press it? Waka Flocka Flame, of Hard in da Paint fame, got a higher ACT Why or why not? score than Bill Clinton, of President fame. Probably not. Red usually means danger. Q: Is cereal soup? Is a hot dog a sandwich? Why or why not?
Cereal is not soup, soup is soup. Wai-wai-wait are we talking cold or hot cereal? A hot dog is not a sandwich because it’s just not.
Q: What’s the most ridiculous fact you know? You can’t chew gum in Singapore.
Q: Is cereal soup? Is a hot dog a sandwich? Why or why not? Cereal is not soup. Not even close to soup. You must boil soup. Who in their right mind is boiling cereal? It would be so gross if the milk were boiled. A hot dog on the other hand is a sandwich. You got bread on three sides. That’s extra bread for your sandwich. It does not change it from a sandwich; it merely creates more sandwich space.
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HOROSCOPES Aries
March 21 to April 19
This month, Aries, you must collect all 550 Pez dispensers. Don’t ask why; you just have to. Hours on eBay and Craigslist will yield the core 549, but that 550th Pez dispenser—“Pineapple Crazy Fruit” of 1979’s summer line—will elude you. You’ll search in every dark crevasse of the Internet, but alack, it is only by divine revelation that “Pineapple Crazy Fruit” will reveal itself to you. Expect a prophetic dream toward the end of the month.
Taurus
April 20 to May 20
Get ready. This month a mysterious lover will sweep you off your feet. I can’t give you a name, but he’s seven feet tall, a size sixteen foot, and the most decorated swimmer of all time. He was the celebrity guest of Shark Week 2017 on the Discovery Channel. You know who it is—Aw, you’re blushing, you lucky dog! Have a magical time.
Gemini
May 21 to June 20
All right, Gemini, looks like you’ve got a rough holiday season on the horizon. The in-laws are coming, and Ethel is NOT sleeping on the air mattress. I mean, she has every right to be insulted by it. It’s the rats’ favorite place to nest in the whole basement. But, boy, can she hold a grudge. She’s going to run around your house and switch all your clocks to military time. Unless, of course, you can divert her. That purebred turducken you ordered last July? Torch it. And when the bones are safely hidden, go down to your local Market Basket and pick yourself up a few cans of Spam and the cheapest frozen shrimp available. Slap them into the form of a turkey, cook at 500˚F for seven hours, and, voila, Ethel is seething. She’s going to sleep like a rock from all that emotional expenditure. (You’re welcome.)
Cancer
June 21 to July 22
Um, Cancer, I hate to tell you this, because the last thing I want to do in these fragile times is make you cry, but there’s a USDA recall on all Raw Beef Ravioli products due to possible E. Coli contamination. Time to clean out the fridge, sweetie. Sorry. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Leo
July 23 to August 22
Thousands of birds are dying at the cruel blades of windmills, and look at you, watching such abject suffering from your cocoon of comfort. America sleeps on the issue! Destroy one (1) windmill this December. Do your part. It’s really the bare minimum.
Virgo
August 23 to September 22
Day in and day out, you pine after your secret love from afar. But to your special someone, Virgo, you’re just another sardine in the can. You’re just another cabbage in the patch. You’ve got to distinguish yourself, posthaste. The love clock ticks! Fenway’s closed, so the jumbotron plan is out. Disappointing, I know. You’re a poet at heart. I say, hire a skywriter instead. You get all of the jumbotron with none of the baseball—and everyone knows there’s nothing less romantic than baseball.
Libra
September 23 to October 22
The Great Cold is descending on your claim shanty in the Dakota Territory. To stave off the harsh winter of the West, my advice is as follows: The next time you’re braiding stalks of wheat for kindling or chewing on the chaff of freshly harvested grain, be reminded of the succulent crop tilled by generations of your kinfolk back in Pennsylvania, your Quaker fatherland. You may yearn for the milk of your native cow, but you must not wallow in such silly weaknesses of the flesh.
Scorpio
October 23 to November 21
You’ve got a Ronald Reagan-sized appetite for jelly beans, and it’s becoming a real detriment to your health. But this new habit is only a gateway drug, Scorpio. I’m telling you, you’ve got to stop with the beans before you’re in too deep. Are you really interested in trickle down economics? Funding the Contras? Tearing down walls with Mr. Gorbachev? At the rate you’re going, we’ll be calling you the Great Communicator by December.
Sagittarius
November 22 to December 21
The last few weeks have been a serious meat grinder, Sagittarius. You need to take five and regroup before getting into the Kwanzaa spirit. Treat yourself to some new batteries—Nothing less than Duracell for you, champ. The principle of Kujichagulia reminds us to have self-determination, but you must not neglect to indulge yourself this season.
Capricorn
December 22 to January 19
Marriage, Capricorn—It’s happening soon, and here’s how: First, three months of radio silence. Your Farmer Boy is away, caring for his ailing Mamá. But for you, a candle still burns, deep in the recesses of his heart. He’s biding his time until he can see your loving face again, waiting for the Eve of Christmas, 1889. Amidst the bitter throes of a winter storm, he treks back to your childhood home with a satchel of oranges and an engagement ring nestled betwixt the canvas folds. On the threshold of your door, he kneels down and utters the blessed phrase, “Will you have my hand in marriage?” You merrily accept, and as the sweet nectar of an orange passes through your lips, you know you have secured happiness for all your days. You and your beau cuddle up by the roaring fire, and together, you envisage an orange grove of your own, far from the harsh frontier.
Aquarius
January 20 to February 18
Aquarius, I want you to work on avoiding WedMD this month. No, that papercut on your left index finger is not Jumping Frenchman of Maine Syndrome. (You don’t even know what Jumping Frenchman of Maine Syndrome is.) That hangnail is not Morton’s Neuroma. (Again, what is Morton’s Neuroma? You couldn’t tell me.) If something’s really bothering you, just head to your local CVS Minute Clinic. Be patient. They’re busy; it’s the holidays. Stroll around the aisles, snag an Almond Joy—Oh, you’re allergic to nuts? Get out of there, posthaste! Dust off the computer. It’s WebMD time.
Pisces
February 19 to March 20
I read in British Vogue that snakes will be all the rage this November—and with good reason. Snakes are incredibly emotionally generous, making them excellent spiritual advisors, confessors, and general confidants. I’m letting you in on this early, Pisces, so you can get a snake while the pickings are still fresh. Sure, Petsmart has your standard corn snakes, but you’re not a standard kind of person. Hey, I completely get it. As we speak, a wise old man is selling ten-foot pythons in the Tabor Tunnels, accessible via the hole in the floor in front of the history offices.