Side A ..................................................................... Casey Allen

Nonfiction by Casey Allen

Iseem to be stuck in this sort of cycle, or loop of some sort. I have these epiphanylike episodes or moments of clarity, where I can just put things into slow motion and zoom out a bit. I’m able to assess my life in all of its aspects: my job, my education, my relationships, my habits, my self-talk. I wish I could say these moments came on winning streaks, but they usually happen right before I reach my breaking point. These moments are far from one another, but all linked together in a circular manner. It’s not a scripted event either; it’s more of an understood feeling or connection with myself.

Like I said, it’s basically an inventory check of my existence, but it’s not like I’m working down a list or something. But they’re all connected, as it’s the same feeling each time, and it’s in the same regards. I kinda feel like it’s my soul speaking, and it’s like, “Yo, looks like your heart and your head just bought a one-way ticket to shit’s creek, we cool?” It feels like every emotion imaginable happening all at once, but at the same time just an overwhelming feeling of pure love. It’s both a romantic and comforting love that’s intertwined with one another. It’s like a love child of Bob Saget, Jim Morrison, and Ice Cube. A Danny Tanner hug, a hopeless love addict, and Ice Cube making that terrifying mean mug, where he Incorporates his eyebrows. And Ice Cube’s got a Glock 9 pointed at your face, not because he wants to kill ya, he just loves ya, and knows you’re fuckin’ up. You better do what he says, or he’ll kiss ya right on the lips.

I used to refer to the time in-between these experiences as rabbit holes, but luckily in recent years I’ve found that these events happen in a circular motion, and not a black hole. I guess you could say that means I don’t have to learn everything the hard way anymore. At least most of the time, anyways.

I don’t really know who I’m talking to, but at the same time it feels like I’m talking to everyone all at once. I don’t even know who’s still listening, but I guess all that really matters is that I say it.

So, I suppose I’ll make my rounds.

A couple months back, after a streak of shitty days, I felt like I was drowning. Everything in my life was overwhelming me: work, school, relationship problems, complications with friendships, family bullshit, everything. I was drowning, so I called my older brother to save me. I exited off the highway, pulled into a gas station parking lot, took my keys out of the ignition and dialed the phone.On the days where I struggle to love myself, I remember the people that do love me, and I try to talk to as many of them as I can. I called the only other person in the world that knows exactly where I’ve come from. The only other person that has the same memories made up of the same Polaroid pictures and broken smells.

“I don’t really know who I’m talking to, but at the same time it feels like I’m talking to everyone all at once. I don’t even know who’s still listening, but I guess all that really matters is that I say it.”