Be Relentless in Building Bridges

Dr. Don Parker

As educators, building relationships early on is at the heart of what we do. However, not all students are easy to connect with. Have you ever found it difficult to connect with a student? Have you ever wanted to “throw in the towel” when times got rough?

While some educators work hard to cultivate positive relationships with their challenging students, some of these same students work just as hard, if not harder to build walls to avoid relationships with teachers. This resistance is difficult to endure day in and day out. Nonetheless, it is imperative that teachers remain diligent and not give up on their attempts to reach their troubled students.

Trying to build a relationship with a student that does not accept or reciprocate your efforts is frustrating and stressful. However, many students have various issues that lead them to believe that having a meaningful relationship with adults is something to be avoided. They may have experienced difficult relationships with adults in the past. They may have experienced disappointment, betrayal, abandonment, or even abuse by an adult in their lives that should have been someone they trusted. Their relationship avoidance results in a lack of positive adult role models in their lives which can lead to behavior patterns that only deepen their at-risk status. These types of students can be intimidating to work with, let alone build a relationship with.

This is because building positive relationships with students is crucial for their academic and socioemotional development. According to a study by Pekrun and Elliot (2017), positive teacherstudent relationships have a significant impact on students’ motivation and engagement in the classroom. Students who have a strong connection with their teachers are more likely to be involved in classroom activities, demonstrate better academic achievement, and exhibit positive attitudes towards school. Furthermore, positive teacherstudent relationships can have a long-lasting impact on students’ lives, fostering positive social and emotional development and improving mental health outcomes (Roorda et al., 2011). Therefore, it is essential for teachers to focus on building strong, positive relationships with their students.

Supporting students with trauma can be challenging, but it is vital for educators to provide a safe and supportive learning environment. According to a study by Felitti et al. (2019), traumatic experiences during childhood can have a significant impact on a student’s academic and socioemotional development. Trauma can result in feelings of fear, anxiety, and a lack of trust, making it difficult for students to engage in the learning process. Teachers can support students with trauma by providing a safe and predictable classroom environment, validating their feelings, and creating opportunities for them to build positive relationships with peers and adults (Graham et al., 2017). Additionally, it is crucial for educators to receive professional development on trauma-informed practices to effectively support students who have experienced trauma. By taking these steps, teachers can create a supportive environment where students feel safe, valued, and engaged in the learning process.

When examining the causes for unruly student behavior that hinders academic success, several factors deserve scrutiny. A majority of the research on school discipline suggests that poverty, lack of social skills, lack of parental involvement, disintegration of family structure, television and media, and students’ home environments contribute to disruptive behavior (Atkins et al., 2002; Bear, 1998; Skiba & Peterson, 2003). These are powerful—and sometimes impossible—factors for educators to overcome.

Because these factors are beyond educators’ control, it is easy to point to them whenever disruption festers in classroom settings and when a negative school climate persists after failed attempts to repair it. I have been guilty of this myself. When I was a dean of students working in a Chicago suburban high school, I took it personally when students misbehaved or when the negative school climate didn’t improve. I viewed my successes and failures on the job as reflections of who I was as a person. On days when student behavior was good in the building and there were no fights, I felt proud. On days when I had to process numerous discipline referrals for disrespect and insubordination or constantly break up fights, I carried a negative attitude around with me. Unfortunately, for quite some time, I had far more bad days than good.

In the first chapter of my book, Building Bridges: Engaging Students Through the Power of Relationships, I describe how to adopt a relationship-building mindset. Educators that have a relationship-building mindset make a commitment to persevere, be relentless in showing their students that they care about them, and go above and beyond to build trusting relationships with them. The greater the number of teachers committing to this style of growthfostering education, the greater are students’ chances for success.

To be more effective at helping students at risk behave appropriately, I wanted to learn the best methods for doing so and become skilled in their use. As part of earning my doctorate in educational leadership, I studied research, conducted a study of my own, and wrote a dissertation on the most effective methods to use with students at risk to decrease behavior referrals. My experience and educational research has revealed that the most effective methods involve authoritative counseling and building relationships with students (Baker, Grant, & Morlock, 2008; Wang & Maureen, 2013).

While the teachers I’ve worked with don’t universally agree that this is the case, ample research and numerous publications indicate that building relationships with challenging students is key to improving behavior and promoting academic success (Boynton & Boynton, 2005; work with this population of students as well. Studies show that teacher-student relationships affect students’ academic achievement, social and emotional development, behavior, and feelings of belonging, as well as classroom management and school climate, just to name a few outcomes (Cataldi & KewallRamani, 2009; Gallagher, 2013).

Juvonen, 2006; Rimm-Kaufman & Sandilos, 2018). Building relationships with students increases engagement, motivation, test scores, and grade point averages while decreasing absenteeism, dropout rates, and discipline issues (Brown, 2010; Martin & Dowson, 2009; Roorda, Koomen, Split, & Oort, 2011).

During my workshop “Building Trusting Relationships With At-Risk Students,” attendees share how they struggle to build relationships with some of their more challenging students, sometimes falling into the trap of indifference. They describe the backgrounds of the students and some of their behaviors. They talk about different incidents that have occurred and how their irritation levels rise. They share stories of enduring disrespect, insubordination, and contempt and how they are cussed at, ignored, and even threatened.

Educators and teachers are some of the most resilient people you’ll meet, possessing qualities of strength and determination. Does this describe you? Know this: even when the task is difficult— perhaps especially when the task is difficult— the potential for amazing outcomes is worth it. Maintain optimism and frame the challenge as an opportunity for life-changing success. No matter how adamantly these students attempt to push teachers away, they will so greatly appreciate knowing that their teachers care for them that they may develop an unwavering loyalty in return.

To get to this place, the teacher has to have not only the will but also a relationship-building mindset that will prevent him or her from throwing in the towel when times get rough. We as educators have to know that we do have the ability to connect with and role-model for our students. When we have the right mindset and refuse to give up, then we do not look at other alternatives or accept any other options; we keep trying until we are successful. This is the same mindset people adopt when they set a goal that they truly want to accomplish.

Some state that they do not receive any help from their students’ parents and lament the many factors giving rise to poor behavior and low academic performance. At times, some even state they lack interest in building relationships with some of their students. Many teachers tell me that they feel themselves going into survival mode within the first quarter of the school year, followed by a period of self-reflection to decide whether they want to continue to teach.

I tell them, “I’ve been there and done that! Now let’s do something about it.”

My passion for working with students of trauma prompted me to support other educators who

We do not always know the right answers, but we have to persevere. Just as students in the classroom need to work to learn new concepts and master new skills, educators must work to understand students and figure out how to support and connect with them. We may not know what difficulty a particular student has, or what happened to the student, but we know that we have the power to make a difference. The reward is greater than the challenge. Realizing the goal means feeling that tremendous sense of accomplishment while enhancing students’ lives. Our lives and the students’ lives will mutually benefit as we forge and develop relationships that are worth every ounce of work that goes into them.

To develop a relationship-building mindset, think about how your relationships with your students can be enhanced. Picture the ones who are at risk academically or display challenging behaviors and have avoided your previous attempts to establish a trusting relationship with them. Imagine how their achievement or behavior would improve if you had a connection with them. Now set a goal of establishing a relationship with these students, allowing reasonable time for this to be accomplished.

As you set this goal for yourself, reflect on a time in your life when you set a goal that would take a considerable amount of time and effort to accomplish. Think about how determined you were to achieve this goal and the sense of accomplishment you felt when it was met. Recall some of the challenges or roadblocks that you had to overcome in order to meet your goal. Think about the strength, mental fortitude, or resources you enlisted to overcome these obstacles. Remember the time it took, and remember how you got through it by anticipating both the reward of finishing what you started and the ways in which your life would be enhanced as a result.

Now picture the students you have difficulty with, and use this same mindset of determination to forge positive and trusting relationships with them. Parallel the goal of establishing a relationship with them to the goal you have already brought to fruition through your hard work and willpower. Tell yourself that since you were capable of investing the necessary amount of time, energy, physical effort, and mental effort into that goal, you are also capable of investing what is necessary to build a positive and trusting relationship with your students who may be at risk. This is how you develop a RELENTLESS relationship-building mindset.

Because this is not easy, remember the resources and supports that were available to you when you were going through the process of accomplishing your previous goal. Think of any resources or supports that are available as you face challenges building relationships with challenging students. As you set out to do this, you may also draw motivation from the feelings of elation that you experienced when you met your previous goal. Envision the mutual benefits as the reward of building those relationships, and use that anticipation of the end result to keep working, despite the difficulty or challenges that will arise. Do not allow yourself to give up! Be relentless in Building Bridges with your students!

- Dr. Don Parker

About the book Building Bridges:

Research shows that discipline problems are prevalent in public schools and continue to be one of the greatest challenges in education. In Building Bridges, author Don Parker shows educators how to address this issue head-on. He shares an array of evidence-based strategies to build teacherstudent relationships and create a welcoming learning environment that fosters student engagement, motivation, and achievement.

Support students at risk by creating a positive school culture and building trust:

Consider the student behaviors, characteristics, and experiences that are typically barriers to success in school.

Learn how and why punitive punishments and zerotolerance policies have failed to curb poor behavior in schools or provide adequate interventions for struggling students.

Understand the importance of teacher-student relationships in teaching students at risk and the ways in which trust and positive relationships improve student behavior.

Develop your ability to build positive teacherstudent relationships through educational techniques, classroom management strategies, and teaching methods.

Study the research that supports the many academic and social benefits of positive teacherstudent relationships when teaching students at risk.

Examine the ways in which school culture and climate affect the behavior of students and classroom engagement.

About Dr. Don Parker:

Dr. Parker is a former principal and served at Posen School in Posen, IL where he improved the school climate, staff collaboration, parent engagement, and student achievement. Before that he was the principal of Lincoln Avenue School, a K-8 school in Dolton, IL, where he improved the culture, implemented a resilience program, managed the implementation of restorative justice, and increased attendance and student achievement.

Dr. Parker has been an educator since 1997 with a background as a teacher, Dean of Students, Assistant Principal of Student Life, Assistant Principal for Curriculum and Instruction, and Assistant Principal for Activities and Athletics.

His teaching experiences include working in innercity Chicago Public Schools. Dr. Parker was also an Adjunct Professor and instructed graduate courses to students seeking their master’s degree in Curriculum and Instruction at National-Louis University in Bolingbrook, Illinois. His diverse background in education has provided him with the knowledge of how to best apply evidencebased methods and student interventions to improve student behavior and increase student achievement.