ART TRAIL TECUMSEH

Anne Davies Recently,

Homefront sat down with Tecumseh resident Anne Davies to discuss her role as a social worker for Hospice of Lenawee. “There are a lot of medical social workers,” she said as she began to explain her role in Hospice. “Yet in those roles, you are fighting against death. If death happens, it is a defeat. Hospice is the opposite. You expect death so you want to make it as good as you can. There is such a thing as a good death.” As our conversation continued, we talked about how she goes about guiding patients and their families through the difficult process of dying. And in turn, we also discussed living, reconciliation, and the constant need for hope.

HOMEFRONT: How do you help people to do death well?

Anne: I think it begins with the questions I ask. I ask about their history. I ask about the kinds of things are they into. I ask about what things they still like to do and what things can they still do. Do they like music? Do they like to read? Do they like to be outside? I am trying to get to know them as more than just an illness that they have. I’m not asking, what’s your admitting diagnosis? But rather, I’m asking, who are you? What are your interests? As I do that, I learn about their family and friendships and their past relationships.

From there, if they are open, we discuss things like, is there anything that you feel like you left undone? What’s important to you right now? What are you concerned about right now? And usually, when you understand that you have a terminal illness and your time is limited, those are the things that are on your mind. Things like, I haven’t talked to my sister in six years. I want to tell her something. Or there is something their children need to know. I think being able to die well means people being able to talk about it. Dying well also means looking at what they are grateful for and what they’ve had in life. “Hope” is the Thing with Feathers. -Emily Dickenson know someone is going to walk through it with you. People don’t just call us because someone is in pain. Sometimes people call just to say, I don’t know if I can do this or if I can handle this. I think everyone just needs someone to tell them, “Yes, you can do this, and we are here for you.”

Dying Well By Sara Hilton

Anne: The lack and loss of control around death is the scary thing. You don’t know the exact moment it will happen or what it will feel like. You can’t control death, but if you can control things around it, it gives you a very peaceful feeling. For instance, you can make basic plans like where you want to be buried and what you want on your tombstone and how you want your memorial service to go. These are ways to have some control over what is happening. It really helps people when they can do this planning so their children don’t have to handle it all.

HF: What about the person with dementia or Alzheimer’s who can’t work through those undone aspects of their life or plan their memorial service? How do you help them?

Anne: Then it’s about being there with them. You can sit with someone for 30 minutes and not say anything and still communicate. There is eye contact, touch, and so many ways to connect. In nursing homes, there just isn’t the staffing for a nurse to be able to just sit with someone for a half-hour. So what is nice about hospice is the ability for me to be able to just sit with someone. That person is aware that for a moment in time that someone is with them. They don’t know who I am, but it doesn’t matter. There is another human being with them, and that gives a feeling of comfort and companionship. It’s a message of: You aren’t alone. Think about little babies. They don’t understand English when they are first born, but they need someone there to hold them. It’s kind of like that with elderly and dementia and Alzheimer’s. You can’t leave them alone and isolated. COVID taught us that.

HF: Do you find that patients need permission to die?

Anne: Absolutely. We tell families all the time to let their loved ones go. Yet I know that is just so hard to do. So many people can’t say it or do it. So often we have patients that we think will die within the next day, but they will hang on for weeks. Then the family will say, “OK, I did it. I told mom or dad that they can go and that it’s OK.” So often within a day or two, the person is gone. So there is something to giving permission. When you are close to death and no longer responsive, you can’t speak. But I believe you can hear. I can’t verify that, but I believe it. I tell families all the time to just talk. Say everything.

HF: What advice do you have about supporting people who are going through this process?

Anne: Just ask simple questions. There is no secret formula. Just keep asking: What can I do? What do you need? How can I help? I’m here when you need me. I keep going back to the importance of knowing you are not alone. You can go through anything if you know that you aren’t alone and if you

HF: How has this job changed the way you live?

Anne: Everybody has things they have a difficult time talking about and everyone has disruptions in relationships. But anytime you can say or do something, do it. It doesn’t even have to be a difficult conversation with someone you love. It is also about that thing you always wanted to do. I say don’t wait. Go do it while you still can. We always say, I’ll do it later, I’ll do it when I retire, I’ll do it when I have enough money. Stop looking at it that way.

HF: How has this job changed your view of death?

Anne: I’m able to see it as more of a part of life. We plan for birth and celebrate birth. You can do that with death, too. Celebrate is a touchy word here, but it means you are acknowledging the importance of that person and the fact that they are leaving you. Now the sudden deaths and deaths of children that’s different and really hard. But if it is an older person who lived a long life and had a lot of experiences, we can celebrate that.

Death is such a dirty word in our culture. I wish we could be more open and friendly with it so people wouldn’t fear it so much. It’s going to happen to all of us. If we could be more open about discussing it, we’d feel better about it.

HF: Is there anything you want to say about the process of dying that we didn’t talk about?

Anne: Yes. Hope. When you have a terminal illness, you still need hope. At every point in your life you need to have hope. Your hope just changes and you learn to hope for different things. Initially, before you get your diagnosis you hope you can get better. You hope there is treatment. Then you hope your pain can be controlled. Then you hope you can complete your business with your people. Hope changes but it doesn’t go away. No matter the circumstance, we all need hope. n

Hospice of Lenawee 1903 Wolf Creek Hwy, Adrian 517.263.2323 | hospiceoflenawee.org