ELVIS BUSTED BY GAME WARDENS
CAUGHT EATING A DEEP FRIED PEANUT BUTTER AND 32-INCH REDFISH SANDWICH
News That Will Stand Up In Court
1995 Edition • $5.00 (OR BEST OFFER)
OJ ESCAPES!
Driven to Tijuana by Marv Albert
SATAN CAUGHT ON LAKE TEXOMA
TROT-LINE [exclusive photo, page 15]
Vandals Deface National Shrine
Crazed anglers carve face of Bill Dance into Mt. Rushmore
SCREECHING HALT, S. DAKOTA — A gang of psychotic bass fishermen broke into the Mt. Rushmore National Park over the Fourth of July week-end and carved a fifth face onto the famous hillside. Thanks to the dastardly work of these vandal-sculptors, the likenesses of
four great presidents from American history are now joined by the well known physiognomy of Bill Dance, professional angler, TV personality and heartthrob. Dance’s face, trademark sunglasses and Tennessee gimme cap now protrude among the great leaders GO TO PAGE 2
ETHEL THE LARGEMOUTH’S BRAVE LAST DAYS Fish Rapper_Fish Rapper.indd 1
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Crazed Fishermen Defile Rushmore Monument
DASTARDLY CULPRITS — THE DANCE COUSINS
* FROM PAGE 1 like a 4th string benchwarmer sticking his head in a huddle of NFL Pro Bowl stars.
The act of patriotic sacrilege has made a laughingstock of the once dignified shrine and created mass despair among its most avid patrons, the millions of Japanese tourists who flock there each year.
DAVE “ACHY BRAKY” DANCE
Official Outrage Issued
assailants overpowered a night watchman at the park, which was closed for the Fourth of July weekend in an exquisite illustration of bureaucratic logic. Watchman D. M. Witt told officer Danno that three men, smelling of gin and largemouth bass urine, jumped him while he was making his rounds. “They caught me off guard as I was shinin’ my flashlight up Jefferson’s nose. I was lookin’for illegal aliens. They cross over from Canada tryin’ to find work with the TV networks and every now and then I’ll catch one hidin’ out in Jefferson’s sinus cavity. They don’t get in the other three’s noses ‘cause there’s usually bats in them. I don’t know why the bats stay away from Jefferson...” Anyway, the vandals bound and gagged Witt, then set about their diabolical work. Using dynamite and various Black & Decker hand tools, it took them just over four hours to complete the transformation of solid rock into a remarkable likeness of “America’s Favorite Fisherman®.”
Interior Department officials are outraged by the fiendish desecration. “I consider this disgraceful act a personal insult,” said Interior Secretary George Jefferson “Teddy” Lincoln. The secretary promised swift action by his department to deal with the crisis. “We plan to request an appropriation from congress with which to form a task force to conduct hearings into the feasibility of creating a new agency to investigate the incident and provide jobs for thousands of middle class Americans,” he said in a prepared statement. Meanwhile, Sergeant Buck M. Danno of the Barren Wasteland County Sheriff’s department has pieced together the details of the crime and thinks he knows the identity of the perpetrators. Danno declined to name the suspects, pending the outcome of negotiations with Hollywood executives for movie rights to the story. However, The Fish Rapper was able to obtain a copy of the screenplay, by posing as Sigourney Weaver. While agents bickered over decimal points and whether Nick Nolte or Woody Allen should play the part of Sergeant Danno, we discovered that the crime was actually committed by three of Bill Dance’s relatives. In the wee hours of July 3rd, three
Dance Cousins Suspected
Although Watchman Witt couldn’t quite protect “America’s Favorite Monument®” from desecration, he did agree to spend an afternoon with police sketch art-
ARNOLD “FLASH” DANCE ists. From the resulting composite sketches and from DNA tests on tobacco juice stains left at the scene, the Barren Wasteland County Crime Lab (and One Hour Photo Service) was able to identify the culprits as Bill Dance’s cousins. Warrants were immediately issued for Dave “Achy Braky” Dance, Arnold “Flash” Dance and E.X. “Ballroom” Dance, launching a nationwide manhunt. The trio is still at large, and the FBI has uncovered evidence that other national landmarks may be targeted. Bill Dance could not be reached for comment. He is said to be on location filming a major motion picture with Julia Roberts and Sharon Stone, a thriller about a famous TV fisherman who fights crime in his spare time. Dance plays to part of the fisherman.
America’s New Bass Shrine Meanwhile, Interior Department officials have noticed a marked increase in attendance at Mt. Rushmore. As word spread of the addition of Dance to the shrine of great leaders, thousands of $600 pick-ups pulling $40,000 bass boats began lining up at the gates. “This new attraction is selling like gangbusters!,” beamed park
STAFF/PERPETRATORS
SPECIAL ASA COLLECTOR’S EDITION Published as a public service by the Highland Publishing Company The National Fish Rapper© is the Evil Twin of Texas Fish & Game© magazine. NOTE: This publication is SATIRICAL in nature. Therefore, none of it should be taken seriously. If you find yourself taking any of this seriously, please seek help immediately. You should not be walking around unattended.
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President.................................. Roy “The Knife” Neves Publisher...................... Don “Switchblade” McPherson Editor............................ Marvin “Machine Gun” Spivey Head Writer................. Larry “Blunt Instrument” Bozka Printer................. Griff “Sharpened Screwdriver” Morris Art Director.......... Cecily “Drained Brake-Fluid” Howze Layout..............Betty “Toaster in the Bathtub” Demarest Adv. Production....... Troy “Pushed Off a Cliff” Trevino Prod. Coord.............. Anna “Cement Shoes” Campbell Advertising Sales.......... Jeni “Sniper Fire” Schuhmann Advertising Sales.............. Ardia “Hit and Run” Neves Classified Sales......................... Tommy “Scud” Garza Adv. Coordinator...........Jennifer “Mail Bomb” Gibson Circulation Asst......... Stephanie “Napalm” Woodhead Circulation Asst.................. Laura “Iron Pipe” Brewster Color Man................ Dave “Severe Beating” Hargraves Pre-Press Specialist......... Steve “The Machete” Morell Accounting..................... Judy “Spiked Cocktail” Gould Chairman of the Board.............Bill “Rat Poison” Bray
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manager and former Vice President Dan Quayle. “Whatever business we lost from those snobby academic purists was nothing compared to our new customers, Mr. and Mrs. Mainstream America and their 2.3 little dependents!”. In fact, this newfound popularity has sparked a flurry of construction at the park. Space previously dedicated for a Monument to Environmental Achievement was bulldozed and black-topped to accommodate the boat-pulling vehicles of the park’s new patrons. And more fishing-oriented attractions are planned.Geologists have begun surveying a large granite outcropping for transformation into the face of Ray Scott, father of the concept of fishing as a career option. Postcards of Mt. Rushmore’s new look can be obtained by sending $75 and a stamped envelope to George Jefferson “Teddy” Lincoln, PO Box 3, Washington DC 00008. And be sure to check local listings for “The Buck M. Danno Story” on the USA Network immediately following re-runs of “Hawaii Five-O”.
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No portion of The National Fish Rapper may be reproduced or rebroadcast without the express written permission of the National Football League. This publication has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit your TV. Some assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Dry clean only. Do not use bleach. Avoid contact with skin. If accidentally swallowed, induce vomiting imediately. We’re sorry, all circuits are busy. Please try your call again at another time.
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SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Use of this product may render you incapable of carrying on a normal conversation without periodically emitting high-pitched shrieks. This product has been shown to cause bad attitudes in laboratory rats. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery unless you have been properly trained. Never go swimming until 45 minutes after eating. Don’t watch so much TV. Clean your room.
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World Largemouth Bass Record Busted in Texas LAKE FORK, TEXAS, July, 1995 – The most coveted record in the world of sportfishing was shattered at Lake Fork recently. Fishing alone in his modified johnboat, powered by a 220-horsepower Cat diesel, Ray Bob Howdy of Houston caught a largemouth bass weighing 25 pounds, 4 ounces. The stunning catch was made April 1 on this extremely productive fishery located east of Dallas. Howdy used a patented Flying Lure® to catch the behemoth bass. “Boy,” Howdy exclaimed, “that Flying Lure® sure works great.” If certified, the fish would eclipse the longstanding world record for that species – George Washington Perry’s 22-pound, 4 ounce largemouth bass that was taken in Georgia in 1932 (the same year Herbert Hoover was booted from the presidency and retired to Branson, Missouri where he opened a live bait stand. It failed the next year due to stiff competition from an aggressive young enterprise in neighboring Springfield). Certification of Howdy’s bass might prove difficult, since the angler released the pending world record moments before any photographs could be taken and before the fish was weighed on certified scales. But Howdy came up with a reasonable explanation. “I just didn’t want to hurt the fish by keeping it out of water too long. I tried to jam it in my livewell, but it was so big that it wouldn’t fit, no matter how hard I kicked on her. I stuffed her pretty good with my boot heel but she
just wouldn’t fit past the lid. So I let her go. “Anyway, I weighed her twice on my DeLiar scales and she weighed exactly 25 pounds, 4 ounces, and my buddy Dick Hernandez witnessed it and he’s as honest as they come. Besides, I have no reason to lie,” said the soon-to-be millionaire. Days after the exciting news spread across America, Howdy became the official spokesman for Flying Lures®. He will make an estimated $1 million a year conducting fishing seminars and appearing in television commercials for Flying Lures®. And in another stunning development, Howdy revealed that his pending world record catch was made on common bathroom dental floss, a new fishing product that promises to revolutionize the sport. Howdy reportedly ran out of monofilament fishing line that morning before the big strike occurred and was forced to pack his Shimano® baitcasting reel with his wife’ dental floss. “It’s even better than the new space-age braided lines. I couldn’t believe it myself. When the big bass hit, I wrapped the line around my boat cleat, kicked on that Cat engine and hauled her ass out pronto. Looked like a damned old jet skier foul-hooked on a tow rope.” The National Fish Rapper has learned from unnamed sources that Howdy is currently negotiating endorsement contracts with Shimano® and Johnson & Johnson™, the nation’s leading manufacturer of dental floss and the brand that Howdy now prefers.
Imaginary world largemouth record holder Ray Bob Howdy demonstrates his technique for using dental floss in place of monofilament fishing line.
Although he would not elaborate nor confirm the details, Howdy has also contacted Caterpillar Diesel Engines™ to determine the possibility of further endorsement contracts for the lucrative bass fishing market. When asked about the lack of proper documentation for his
pending world record catch, Howdy appeared somewhat indignant. “It just shows you what kind of sportsman I am,” Howdy replied. “I just wanted to make sure that ol’ bass was released safely before anyone could exploit her for profit. That’s the kind of guy I
am. Just ask around.” The International Game Fish Association™ in Pompano Beach, Fla., refused comment on Howdy’s fish until it’s staff reviews Howdy’s entire application.
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Elvis Spotted Running Coastal Guide Service
Guess who! The unretouched photo above again proves that Elvis is alive and well, this time running a gulf coast guide service.
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SLUDGEPORT, TX, – No, that wasn’t a NASA astronaut practicing space walks in the surf... it was the “Kaaaang” himself, Elvis, wade fishing in his trademark Vegas leisure suit. That’s right, the rock ‘n roll icon, long ago proven to still be alive in a Pulitzer-prize winning journalistic investigation by The National Enquirer, is now running a guide service on the Texas coast. The King’s Guide Service offers wadefishing, bay, jetty and
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offshore trips. His rates are very low, but as one puzzled customer reported, Elvis eats most of what is caught. He has a deep fryer on the back of his 18’ Boston Whaler and usually has the fish filleted, battered and on its way down his throat before the hooks are re-baited.
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Pro Anglers Save ASA From Ruthless Iraqi Assault Saddam, upset over increased membership dues, retaliates with air raid
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA—Iraqi madman Saddam Hussein made good on his recent threat to disrupt the annual American Sportfishing Association trade show, in retaliation for what he called “U.N. Sanction-like increases in the membership dues. Staging a daring sunrise raid, members of the Iraqi Air Force attempted to bomb the Las Vegas Convention Center, as earlybird ASA attendees were lining up outside, eager to find out what exciting and truly innovative new fishing products awaited them on the floor. The Iraqi squadron had miraculously reached Las Vegas — 16,000 miles from their home base outside Bagdad — without detection. An ingenious route planned by Colonel Hagadeen “Iggy” Hussein took the squad southeast across the Indian Ocean, to the Phillipines where they were able to land and secretly refuel at a convenience store operated by the Colonel’s brother Ahfasad “Bruce” Hussein. They then flew at low levels to avoid detection by U.S. spy satellites until they again reached dry land in South America. Once more they landed in friendly territory, a Guatemalan fishing lodge operated by the Colonel’s third cousin Ishmail “Pico de Gayo” Hussein. Their fuel tanks topped off for the final leg of their mission, the squad made its way North, across barren regions of Mexico. They crossed the border into Arizona through a gaping hole in the new “friendship” wall, constructed recently to take the place of border patrol officers.They slipped in right behind a large van returning domestic workers to their jobs with Democratic political appointees. After crossing into U.S. airspace, the planes snaked their way up the Colorado River, flying so low to conceal the invasion that several high performance bass boat owners were actually able to hear the sonic booms over the roar of their own engines. Once they were within the Las Vegas air traffic control zone, the colonel knew they were safe from detection, because there are so many charter flights descending on the gaming capital that controllers rarely pay attention to any incoming planes. In fact, Shifty LaRue, tower supervisor at Wayne Newton International Airport, said controllers initially thought the planes were USAir flights which, promoting a new “no-frills” image, routinely fly without radios installed.
Angler/Hero Gary Klein (above) saves the day for ASA, pulling in a rattle-trap Iraqi mig with a buzzbait. Meanwhile, Saddam Hussein (right) has a bad run of luck in the Barbary Coast casino.
half-way around the world which failed miserably when the actual attack began. Relying on rattle-trap 1980 model Russian Mig fighters, the invasion quickly turned from a text-book tactical execution into a comedy of errors. Leading his squad in for a strafing run at the parking lot of the convention center, Iggy Hussein was the first to encounter trouble. When he pulled the trigger on his 50mm machine guns, instead of firing bursts of deadly hot lead, the plane did a sudden 180° roll then fired its ejector seat while flying upside down. Iggy shot straight down toward the top of the Hilton Hotel and Casino, which is adjacent to the Convention Center. He crashed through the roof at such a high rate of speed that he plowed through 30 floors to the casino, spearing a blackjack table and interrupting play for almost 5 minutes. Second in command, corporal thirdclass Tajmad “Paula” Abdul brought the remaining fighters around for another pass. But Iggy’s crash had given two alert action heroes on the ground just enough time to ready a makeshift defense. The second attack was repelled by Pro Anglers Rick Clunn and Gary Klein, who had been practicing at the famous “Hawg Tank®,” a 40 foot aquarium on wheels, temporarily parked outside the convention center. When they saw the Iraqi Migs coming in low, the two casting greats grabbed their gear and assumed battle stations on top of the Hawg Tank. Clunn pitched a crank bait into the air and with dead-true aim, snared the tailfin of corporal Abdul’s Mig, ripping the cheap Russian aluminum apart. Without a tail, Abdul’s plane spun wildly and crash landed in the parking lot of the Riviera, whereupon he was swarmed by valet parking attendants
Angler-Heroes Save the Day
It could have been a flawless mission. But just as they began their attack, things suddenly went very wrong. Ironically, it was the planes which carried the daring squad
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and stripped clean of his personal belongings before his plane burst into a ball of flames. Meanwhile, Gary Klein, throwing a buzzbait, landed one directly in the engine of the next Mig in the attack formation. The buzzbait chopped through the brittle rotor fans, which spewed out the back of the jet like shrapnel, into the path of the trailing fighters. The shrapnel ripped through their paper thin bodies, knocking them out of the sky like so many September doves. Only one fighter remained aloft, and its pilot, Commander Sehghii “The Fonze” Arahmackddeh, thought he’d best retreat and come back in from a different angle. Unfortunately for the veteran fighter pilot, his flight path took him directly over the Treasure Island Hotel where, as luck would have it, the world famous (except in Iraq) pirate ship battle reenactment was just beginning. When the “pirates” saw the incoming enemy aircraft, they immediately turned their cannon skyward, stuffing the barrels with any loose metal within reach — chains, bolts, cheap Vegas-style jewelry — and let loose a volley of deadly flak which disintegrated the hapless Arahmackddeh’s aircraft on impact. All that fell to the ground were pieces the size of long-grain rice, which no one noticed, what with all the wedding chapels operating at full capacity.
Saddam Craps Out
While the air attack was being destroyed, a squad of secret commandos, elite members of the fabled Republican Guard led by none other than Saddam Hussein himself was preparing a back-up strike just down the strip near the Barbary Coast. But when they saw their fellow fighters blown out of the sky with fishing tackle and cheap
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jewelry, the commandos panicked and ran screaming in all directions. Saddam fled into the Barbary Coast, pulled out an assault rifle (for which he did have a permit) and began shooting up the place. But before he could issue demands to his would-be hostages, he was set upon by a gang of blue-haired old women who were furious at having their concentration at the slot machines broken. They beat him unmercifully with bags of quarters until the supreme Iraqi leader begged them to stop and threw down his weapon. He was escorted downtown for questioning by Vegas police, and then handed over to FBI agents for transfer to a Florida maximum security prison. He is sharing a cell with Colonel Manuel Noriega while awaiting trial on federal tax evasion charges. None of the Republican Guard could be found. It is presumed that most of them settled in and around Las Vegas, which could account for the area’s recent boom in convenience store openings. Nevada Governor Bugsy Siegal, Jr. held a special ceremony the next day to honor the gallant actions of Gary Klein and Rick Clunn. The grateful governor credited the two fishing heroes with saving the city of Las Vegas from a disaster almost as devastating as the night Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Joey Bishop got drunk and left a huge crater where the Sands Hotel had once stood.
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“Where the Bargains are Better than a $2 Haircut”
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HI, FOLKS. I’M H. ROSS PEROT. The H stands for HOOEY! And that’s what I say to the high price of fishin’ these days. See, the other day, my young grandson, Cash Perot, was pesterin’ me to take him fishin’. Now, I haven’t had the time to go fishin’ since I was in the 4th grade, shortly before I went to work at IBM and figured out how to make a million dollars a week on the side. But the day Cash was buggin’ me about fishin’, well, I was kinda free, so I decided to give the tyke what he wanted, figurin’ that I could use the favor as leverage later on. But when I took little Cash into my neighborhood bait store, I was flabergasted. Flabergasted!... at what they were askin’ for basic fishin’ supplies. Three whole dollars for a spool of line. Five dollars for some cheapie little rubber worms and some weights, and they wanted almost twenty dollars - I said DOLLARS, not pesos, you get me? — for a rod and a reel made in Taiwan or Saipan or some other place where the minimum wage is 3¢ an hour. It was just sad. Well I yanked Cash right out a’ there and we went and got haircuts instead. But I couldn’t quit thinkin’ about the exhorbatant prices those highway robbers were gettin’ for fishin’ stuff. Next thing I know, I’m sittin’ there on the “Larry King Live” show, tellin’ the world that I’m fixin’ to open a chain of fishin’ stores, to offer the American people a chance to get back one of their God-given birthrights: Cheap Merchandise. That’s right, Bass Perot Shops opens the doors sometime this November. And unless I get mad and just quit ‘cause I don’t really understand this business, you’re really gonna like these austere but scrappy little shops. You’ll find bargains on fishin’ tackle that simply defy logic. That’s the way I do things. So quit buyin’ your stuff from those NAFTA and GATT sympathizers who sell out their loyalty to the good old U.S.A. in the name of quality and value. Come on in to Bass Perot Shops and we promise, if you don’t like what you see, we’ll quit!
8/21/18 6:31 PM
Major League Anglers Go on Strike
Excellence in Baitcasting
with Rush Limbaugh
MONTGOMERY CLIFF, ALABAMA — The professional anglers union voted unanimously to go on strike starting immediately, possibly forcing the cancelation of fishing’s version of the world series, the Carpmasters Classic®, for the first time since 1904 .The strike vote was called when contract negotiations with owners broke down. At issue is a plan by owners to implement a salary cap. Anglers instead want new Gimme Caps. Angler representative Donald Fehr met for 62 hours straight with Acting Commissioner of Fishing Ray Scott. When it was learned that for 61 hours of the meeting, Fehr sat bound and gagged in a broom closet while Scott and his buddies watched the entire Ken Burns Baseball Series on video tape, the union voted to strike. “The owners are just being unreasonable,” said angler Rocky Hardplace, the former slaughterhouse janitor who made $18 million in winnings and endorsements last year. “If we don’t get those new Gimme Caps, there will be no fishing in 1995.” “I don’t know what the anglers are worried about,” said one owner who asked not to be identified, and won’t be—thanks to a crisp fifty dollar bill. “All we want is a sensible cap on salaries, and to implement a few new features to add more excitement to the game.” The unidentified owner, forking over another crisp fifty to stay that way, then listed a few of the new tournament features that anglers are resisting: 1) Mines in the best known hotspots 2) A 26 mile run to the weigh-in 3) Steroid testing 4) All ties settled in a sudden death overtime period with harpoon guns.
“LURE JORDAN” Former Basketball great, baseball minor leaguer and would-be pro angler Michael Jordan gives up a $6 billion dollar endorsement deal with the Flying Lure® Corporation to support striking anglers.
again at the end of the 1995 basketball season to try a career as a Professional Angler, announced that he will honor the picket lines and will not fish. He will return once
The strike does have one positive note. NBA superstar Michael Jordan, who retired
again to the Chicago Bulls, who are bound to be getting tired of this.
Fisherman ‘Chums’ for Shark
CORPUS CHRISTI, TX - Fisherman Elmer Elmendorff was arrested late yesterday evening, and the detective who apparently closed the case was an 8-foot tiger shark! Elmendorff, 39, went offshore fishing earlier this week and returned home with a nice catch of king mackerel. However, his fishing buddy Ted Transom wasn’t aboard when Elmendorff’s 25-foot sportfishing boat returned to port. Elmendorff claimed that Transom had fallen overboard, but his story was debunked the next day when an angler chumming for kings behind a nearshore shrimper caught and cut open the 400-pound shark only to find small, cut up body parts inside the massive creature’s stomach.
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“I called the sheriff,” said the obviously upset fisherman, who insisted on anonymity. “This guy’s head was in there, man, and when they checked dental records they found out it was this Transom dude.” Nearby fishermen had seen Elmendorff chumming the day before, with Transom nowhere in sight. Authorities speculate that the life-long Corpus Christi native murdered his buddy and then cut him up for chum to destroy the evidence. A more likely explanation is that Elmendorff simply ran out of chum at an inconvenient time, especially for Transom. An investigation is underway.
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Greetings fellow Dither-heads. It is I, the beacon of intellectual rubber-stampmanship, the guiding light for all you right-thinking anglers, Rush Limbaugh. With “tackle on loan from God”, I not only know everything you should know about politics, I also know everything you should know about fishing. Today I want to talk about the liberal conspiracy to keep us from overfishing any lake we choose. Now that 40 years of liberal control in Washington has been dismantled, we have an opportunity to roll back a great many of their choking regulations on our use and righteous abuse of the outdoors. We ought to be able to fish any damn lake we please, to OUR limit — not some wimpy size- or catch-limit dreamed up by a soft-hearted Democratic girlie-man who weighs less than 200 pounds. If I want to organize a 500 boat bass-killing marathon tournament on my favorite lake every weekend, it is my constitutional right to do so. It’s right there... in the Second Amendment, just below the right to bear arms and shoot indiscriminantly. Trust me. (You don’t have to go look it up. Just trust me. Let me do the thinking here, you just sit back and relax.) But the liberals are still a crafty bunch. Even though I single-handedly ran the majority of them out of office last November, they have still infiltrated every game management agency, every bass club, every outdoor magazine, and every facet of the outdoor industry and have built up this artificial notion that we need game and resource “conservation.” “Conservation”, ha! I for one cannot believe that such tripe as fishing limits can be described by a word so close to the holy term “conservative.” It is nothing short of blasphemy! But that’s another column! Meanwhile, your rights to enjoy the great outdoors in the only way that really counts — by destroying them — are being challenged. And you can’t trust anyone. Not the liberal fishing magazines who lead crusades to protect gamefish from nets; certainly not your State Game and Fish department... those liberals want to see every fish, every deer, every coyote live longer than you or I. It’s class warfare of the worst kind. I tell you they’re trying to create an atmosphere of animals vs. humans. Next thing you know, the Interior Department will start handing out confiscated assault rifles to antelopes and every guy in hunter orange will be a marked man! It ain’t supposed to be a level playing field, folks. Those animals were put on earth for one reason and one reason only: targets. You can’t even trust your own fishing buddies! Try unspooling a tangle of fishing line and tossing it over the side of the boat without drawing an indignant stare from your closest friend! Or pull out a pistol and shoot that trophy tarpon — to make it easier to pull into the boat — and see if you don’t get lectured by “good ol’ Bubba.” I tell you, the liberal influence is everywhere. And the only way to stop it is to identify those who’ve already been brainwashed by the environmentalist-wacko liberals, and harass them until they flee the outdoors. Do like I do. Make a list of suspicious actions, even the most seemingly innocent. Write down every detail of every action by the people around you. Soon you’ll see a pattern of behavior that betrays a liberal under even the most conservative outer shell. Identify those camouflaged liberals and make ‘em feel unwelcomed in the real-man’s world of the outdoors. (just how you make them feel unwelcomed, I’ll leave to your own fertile imagination).
The outdoors should be cleansed of all but those of us who truly deserve to enjoy and destroy them! Are you with me? Of course you are. You wouldn’t dare not be.
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World Catfish Record Turns Out to be Roseanne WEST CHOLESTEROL, NY — A very disappointed catfisherman has been forced to return his World Record trophy and $100,000 in prize money. Angler Val Veeta thought he’d smashed the World Flathead Record with an unbelievable 320-pound catch on the Hudson River, not far from his West Cholesterol garage apartment. Unbelievable was right. Close examination of photos taken of the monstrous fish, which was tagged and released, revealed that it was not a flathead catfish (scientific name: felinus flatus nogginus) but rather TV superstar Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Shatner. Ms. Barr-Arnold-Shatner-Culkin had rolled off a Hudson River ferry after diving for a loose corned beef kolache. She was swimming for shore when she was irresistibly attracted to Mr. Veeta’s special cheesbait formula. She inhaled the bait and was gut hooked on an Abu Gonzales Ambassador reel spooled up with 1,200-pound test triple-braided guy-wire cable. “I thought for a minute the line was gonna snap,” said Veeta, who spent 2 hours landing the trophy Ratings-Queen. “She put up one helluva fight. When I got her in the boat, she tried like crazy to fin me, but I keep a Louisville Slugger within reach just for those situations. One good solid whack and she became real cooperative,” he allowed. Still thinking he had a record flathead and not the anchor of ABC’s Wednesday night line-up, Veeta and his fishing partner, Chad Derr, took turns photographing each other with the trophy-sized Ms. Barr-Arnold-Shatner-Culkin-Stallone. It was only after releasing Ms. Barr-Arnold-Shatner-Culkin-Stallone-Kennedy that the embarrassing species mix-up was discovered. Veeta sent his photos to Dr. Jimmie A. Break, chief registrar for the World Catfishing Records Council in Pasadena, Calif. The registrar didn’t notice anything
Is Bass Pro Rick Clunn Really a Space Alien? LAS VEGAS - Confidential sources within the American Sportfishing Association (ASA) have revealed that legendary bass pro Rick Clunn is actually an alien from outer space. “How else could he win all them tournaments?” remarked one well-known fishing industry leader. “He communicates telepathically with the fish; that’s what it is. I seen it! He mind-melds with ‘em. Anybody with half a brain knows that only someone from another planet could be that good.” Clunn declined comment.
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storm pattern. They were just about to erase the plotted image from the computer (to make room for images of the planet Jupiter) when the catfish photo came in. At once, they notified Dr. Break, who had Mr. Veeta’s trophy retrieved by the same FedEx driver who’d presented it to him only hours earlier. If that wasn’t humiliating enough for Val Veeta, he was informed that he would have to return the $100,000 awarded by the Abu Gonzales Reel Company. When he told company executives that he’d already spent $15,000 of the money with the Home Shopping Network, Abu Gonzales himself drove to Veeta’s residence to take back the remaining cash. When Gonzales and his entourage arrived, Veeta tried to make a run for it, clutching $85,000 in small bills. Cornered in his own back yard, he scaled a tree, from which Abu Gonzales was easily able to pluck him, using his new 9000 Series reel and a chartruesse Flying Lure®. Gonzales and his two bodyguards “collected” the money and fled before authorities arrived, but not before arranging for the missing 15-grand to be paid back out of Mr. Veeta’s weekly paycheck as a coat-hanger sorter at a local dry cleaners. Surprisingly, Val Veeta’s spirits remain high. Since discovering the apparent irresistibility to his cheese bait formula by certain large celebrities, he has embarked on a new marketing venture. In fact, he reports that he has spent the last three weeks in his pantry/laboratory developing an entire line of Celebrity Cheesebaits. In addition to “Roseanne Roquefort”, he’s come up with “Parmesgian Pavarotti”, “Rush Limburger,” “Cheese Whiz Wynnona,” “Brando Brie” and “Charo Cheetos”. Rosanne Barr-Arnold-Shatner-Culkin-Stallone-Kennedy-Forensky-(*see appendix A) could not be reached for comment.
Catfish angler and cheesbait officianado Val Veeta came awfully close to a new flathead world record. Imagine his disappointment in discovering his catch was none other than SitCom Queen Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Whatever.
strange upon first viewing the submitted photo. But when he sent it to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, down the street, for computer enhanced analysis, technicians immediately picked up on the error. Using an infrared scanning device, their computer quickly identified the subject as Ms.
Barr-Arnold-Shatner-Culkin-Stallone-Kennedy-Forensky. The large, tattooed actress’ profile had previously been plotted into Jet Propulsion Laboratory computers when one of their weather observation satellites veered over her swimming pool and mistakenly interpreted her image as an inland
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INVESTIGATION REVEALS REASON FOR CRANKY FISHING GUIDES
Probably not... but it’s something to think about.
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HOUSTON - A year-long investigation by Fish Wrapper staffers has unveiled why many fishing guides exhibit bizarre behavior on a regular basis. The culprit? Sleep deprivation. Says Fish Wrapper investigative reporter Fielding Stream, “The average pro guide gets only around three hours of sleep a night. After a few years of this, it’s no wonder they act the way they do.”
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Animal Rights Activists Attacked by Starving Coyotes
Leaders Baldwin and Basinger barely escape
to celebrate the second anniversary of the group’s victorious lawsuit which put an end to all predator hunting in Idaho, including coyotes. Game wardens investigating the carnage speculated that the coyotes, after two years of unchecked population growth, had systematically exhausted the entire food supply of central Idaho, including rabbits, deer, cattle, sheep, domestic dogs & cats and a Milk Bone plant 30 miles outside Boise. Facing imminent starvation, the coyotes’ last hope for a decent meal was the gathering of celebrity do-gooders who’d conveniently set up camp at the dead-end of a box canyon. Smelling dinner, the thousands of voracious canines stormed into the canyon and over the parked Range Rovers that stood as the only barrier separating them like a sneeze guard from their buffet of beautiful people. One survivor, actor Derrick Hoist, who plays “Steak” on the daytime drama “The Young and the Worthless”, and who also
RUPTURED SPLEEN, IDAHO — Members of the “Airheads for Animals” coalition, meeting in this remote area for a communal gathering, were attacked and ravaged by packs of starving coyotes. The group is led by actors and long-time animal rights activists Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin and is made up predominately by entertainment executives and minor Hollywood celebrities (those who need the cheap exposure of politically correct activism). Basinger and Baldwin are best known for efforts to protect New York City carriage horses and for planning the escape of 600 live lobsters from the Morton’s of Chicago restaurant. The gathering was being held
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appeared in the made-for-TV holiday classic “A Tanning Salon Christmas,” told reporters that the attack brought instant panic to the crowd of made-for-TV movie stars and executives. “Do you know what the sound of 200 cellular phones speed-dialing The William Morris Agency all at once is like?” he asked. “It was horrible. Just horrible.” As L.L. Bean fabric, pony tails and silicon flew into the air (surprisingly, there was little blood found at the scene) many of the activists were able to struggle free of the slaughter. One unfortunate party, led by Jamie Farr (the former M.A.S.H. cast member and veteran of 78 Love Boat episodes), thought they had found refuge in a cavern, only to be set upon by hundreds of rabid mutant prairie dogs. The prairie dogs, thanks to radiation experiments in the 1950s, had grown to twice their normal height and were understandably irritable. Emitting industrial-grade laser beams from their mutant eyes, the prairie dogs melted away the handiwork
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of some of Beverly Hills’ top cosmetic surgeons, leaving the group scarred for life with the hideous features of normal human beings. The only member of the attacked party to escape the cosmetic atrocity was Farr, who came out of the cave looking better than when he went in. Coalition leaders Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger were among the lucky escapees. Climbing over the backs of squealing former child actors, they made their way to the top of the canyon and to relative safety. However, their good fortune was short lived. They vanished, never to be seen again, after flagging down a ride from celebrity death-row advocate Danny Glover and his new pal, condemned Texas mass murderer Henry Lee Lucas, who had just been set free on a technicality (prosecutors failed to spell the trade name “Weedeater” with a capital “W” in court documents describing his preferred method of dispatching victims).
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Conspiracy to Create Race of Super Bass Goes Haywire HOUSTON, TX - A top-secret program to stock a vicious and highly dangerous new breed of invincible “megabass” has been unveiled by the Fish Wrapper. Apparently, Texas Parks and Wildlife Department biologists have been secretly working for years to develop the bionic bass (Mycrapteris steroidus), a fat-lipped, bug-eyed aquatic pig with ragged fins, shark-like teeth, a grotesque football of a belly and the temperament of a wounded, rabies-infested pit bull. One high ranking American Sportfishing Association (ASA) board member calls it the “Frankenfish.” “This creature, this ‘thing,’ is the anti-Bass, a fisherman’s nightmare come true,” said the source, who spoke on condition that he not be identified. “It eats crankbaits like popcorn. Lip-land one and you’ll pull back a bloody stump. It’ll swallow a four-blade stainless outboard prop in one bite. And worst of all,” he concluded, “the people here at ASA are funding the whole deal.” According to secret ASA files obtained through the Freedom of Information Act by the Fish Wrapper legal staff, the TPWD program has since its inception several years ago been funded by none other than the ASA itself. The obvious question is, “Why?” “Just one bionic bass fingerling can destroy more than $350 in fishing tackle during a single afternoon outing,” says Fish Wrapper legal staffer Ted Swindle. “This,” Swindle explains, “is exactly why the ASA is financing TPWD’s insidious program of selective breeding and genetic engineering to create these new devil-bass. They’re starting out in Texas with an experimental program, but the master plan is to ultimately stock these mutated monsters into every bass lake in the nation”. A veteran attorney employed by the Houston law firm of Dewey, Cheetham and Howe, Swindle says the conspiracy boils down to “a matter of money, and nothing else. The more $189 bass reels, $5 fishing lures and $500 trolling motors these fish eat, the more money the fishing industry makes,” he explains. “And, the more TPWD gets in excise tax money from the sale of sporting goods. “I’ve heard from
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the cousin of a close friend of a high-ranking TPWD official who doesn’t want me using his name,” Swindle continues, “that the full implementation of this deal, the actual stocking of the fish into Texas bass lakes, is only weeks away. Word I get is that the department will receive a kickback of 25 cents for every plug that gets eaten by a bionic bass. On some fishing rods, they’ll making 20 bucks a pop. This,” he stresses, “is definitely an inside deal between the State of Texas, ASA and the entire sportfishing industry.” ASA files reveal that stage one of the operation begins in Cuba. Carefully selected brood bass, all in excess of 15 pounds, are smuggled into the U.S. from Havana after an intensive sixweek “baby bass boot camp” in which they learn the essentials of terrorism and guerrilla fighting. After viewing the movie “Jaws” and its numerous sequels for a continuous three-week period, the frenzied fish are then moved to a top-secret lab situated deep within the confines of the new Sea Center Texas hatchery facility near Lake Jackson. There, amidst the deafening roar of heavy metal rock music, they are cross-bred with the department’s classified new “F-3” strain, a 50/50 mix of Brazilian piranha and Australian great white shark. Shortly after fertilizing the eggs, the male F3s are devoured by the much larger Cuban females. The eggs hatch and develop rapidly. Contained within fenced-off holding ponds and defended by a small army of Uzi-wielding game wardens, the fingerlings are fed raw hamburger meat for roughly a month. Subsequently, hatchery biologists feed the fish live kittens for another month, at which point the beastly bass are ready for release into Texas impoundments. Perhaps most shocking of all, Fish Wrapper has learned that TPWD has in fact already released the first batch of bionic bass into Gibbons Creek Reservoir near Bryan. At this point, better than a dozen bionic bass-related incidents have occurred on the 2,500-acre Grimes County impoundment, although the department has attempted to cover up the grisly incidents by placing the blame on rogue alligators. Two persons have died as a result of using braided lines
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This hideous creature is the result of secret experiments by the Texas Parks & Wildlife Department to create the “Ultimate Bass.” The failed experiments have cost hundreds of lives.
on reels with tightly set drags drag settings. Both were pulled overboard into shallow spawning beds and eaten while their fishing companions watched. Yet another died while attempting to save his Labrador retriever from a vicious
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bass attack, and four others were killed after the fish ate through the hull of their bass boat. Apparently, one of the fishermen was eating a hamburger. A nearby school of bionics picked up on the scent and converged on the boat, sinking
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it in seconds. No remains were found.
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Smart-Alecky Texas Outdoor Magazine Sued for Libel
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA — “Texas Fish & Game” magazine, the outdoor industry’s most obnoxious publication, was slapped with a record 9.8-billion-dollar libel suit here today. The class action lawsuit was filed in response to a parody newspaper published by the rogue magazine and represents a cross section of personalities, from the famous (U.S. Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton) to the obscure (A.J. Blanchard, top henchman for Academy Sporting Goods), . The bogus “newspaper”, titled “The National Fish Rapper©” was published at “Texas Fish & Game’s” illicit printing facility hidden somewhere in the rocks of Central Texas. It was distributed during the annual ASA (formerly AFTMA, formerly AMWAY) fishing trade show here in Las Vegas. Sue De Bastids, spokeswoman for ASA (formerly AFTMA, formerly ACME Plumbing Company) voiced outrage on behalf of the 300 personalities ridiculed and defamed in print. Unfortunately, she lost her voice halfway through the outrage and had to be swabbed with piña colada salve by Las Vegas paramedics. Les Breakum, attorney for the plaintiffs, echoed De Bastids’ outrage, adding that such disrespect for a venerable institution like ASA (formerly AFTMA, formerly AJAX Bail Bonds) should not be allowed to go unpunished. “We hope that justice is swift and unmerciful in this case and that we can hire — er, seat — a jury that will nail them for every penny of that 12 billion dollar award. The chances of them getting off are a billion to one and I don’t care if it takes a billion years, these vermin are going to get their comeuppance,” the attorney panted, his face turning a deeper shade of maroon each time he pronounced the word “billion”. Breakum then produced a mysterious manila envelope identified as “Exhibit A.” Inside was an actual copy of the so-called “Fish Rapper.” He said that scantily-clad “girlie-show types” were seen handing the newspaper to trade show patrons as they entered the ASA (formerly AFTMA, formerly APEX Roofing) exhibition. Breakum said these floozies were interfering with the distribution of another “legitimate” publication, the extremely popular “Tackle Trends Daily”
THE FISH RAPPER SEVEN
ROY NEVES n Born Ace Terranova, Conroe, Texas, 1953. His parents invented Styrofoam®. n Thrown out of medical school in 1976 for selling cadavers to the Alpo® Dog Food company. n Awarded patent for the one-sizefits-all John Travolta mask, 1978. n Arrested in 1988 for breaking into Merv Griffin’s house and trying on Merv’s suits. n Became president of Texas Fish & Game in 1989 by answering a classified ad in “Underacheiver’s Monthly.”
MARVIN SPIVEY
LARRY BOZKA
n Born Alfred E. Berkowitz, Gainsville, Florida, 1952.
n Born Reginald Farkus, Rosebud, Texas 1948. Considered young for his age.
n Born Zippy the Clown, Halletsville, Texas 1956. Broke the then state infant record (light tackle), weighing in at 9 lbs. 3 oz..
n Child actor... starred as “Chip” in the popular TV show “My Three Sons”. n Sang backup for Tom Petty and the Hatblockers until Petty broke up the band to sell Amway products. n Drifted across the U.S. for two years, writing songs and guest hosting “Nightline”. n Named publisher of Texas Fish & Game in a 1992 plea bargain with federal authorities.
newspaper. In an effort to gain a competitive edge through intimidation, the “Fish Rapper©” trollops harassed and assaulted the more respectable (and more tastefully semi-dressed) young ladies who had taken time off from their regular volunteer work at local hospitals and nursing homes to distribute the “Tackle Trends Daily”. At one point, according to police reports, two of the “Fish Rapper©” bimbos cornered a “Tackle Trends Daily” girl and beat her senseless, trashing her stack of newspapers and stealing $700 in tips. “That’s just the kind of public display you’d expect from purveyors of putrefying pulp like this,” he exclaimed, theatrically waving the exhibit copy of “The Fish Rapper©” above his polished bald head. At the close of his press conference, attorney Les Breakum announced that seven members of the “Fish Rapper©” staff had been taken into custody by federal authorities and were being held on 22.6 billion dollars bail. The seven have been identified as Roy “Ice Pick” Neves, president of the radical publish-
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n While at Rice University on a football scholarship, his writing talent was revealed in his work chalking the yard markers before games. n Studied sports writing in New York under the legendary Studs Terkel, until Terkel happened to look under his desk and caught him. n Won his current job as Texas Fish & Game editor by being the 10th caller.
n Spent formative years traveling the world as ball boy for the Harlem Globe Trotters. n Drafted in 1975 by the Washington Generals. n Became involved with publishers of The Fish Rapper while recovering from Pepto Bismol addiction at the Betty Ford Clinic.
ing enterprise; Don “Ice Pack” McPherson, chief recruiter; Marvin “Ice Age” Spivey, Fish Rapper editor and spell checker; Larry “Ice Station” Bozka, convicted hit-and-run writer; Griff “Ice Cold Mug of Budweiser, Mmmmm-Mmmm...” Morris, mayor of Marble Falls, Texas (home of the illicit printing press); W. Douglas “Kato” Bray, the mayor’s permanent “houseguest” and owner of Texas Fish & Game; and Mike Wallace, chief correspondent for the CBS news magazine program “60 Minutes™.” Breakum also said that bootleg copies of the offensive publication are being circulated on the floor of the ASA (formerly AFTMA, formerly AAMCO Transmissions) show. Of course, you’re already aware of this because you’re reading a copy at this very moment. We know because we’re following you. By the way, got any nude photos of your wife? Want some? The bootleg copies are being distributed even though a gag order has been placed on “The Fish Rapper©” as well as on the giddy receptionist manning the
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GRIFF MORRIS n Born Warren Beatty, Jr., Baltimore MD, 1946. n Recruited as a CIA operative while still a student at Sammy Davis Junior High in Baltimore. n Fired as a Nixon Whitehouse aide in 1972 for breaking G. Gordon Liddy’s nose. n Got into printing because selling arms “wasn’t exciting enough.” n Became head of Texas Fish & Game’s printing division by underbidding arch rival Liddy, who left printing and be-came a disc jockey.
W. DOUGLAS BRAY
MIKE WALLACE
n Born Armbruster Rockefeller III, Angleton, Tx, 1943. The son of migrant newspaper publishers.
n Born Mike Wallace, New York, NY, 1915.
n Entered law school at the age of 14. Sued his parents the next year for libel. n Decided to become a CPA after seeing the movie “West Side Story”. n Won Texas Fish & Game in a strip poker game with then owner and governor Ann Richards.
phones at “Texas Fish & Game” World Headquarters and, for reasons that remain unclear, on TV host Regis Philbin. Percy Cuisinart, executive vice-president of the Washington, D.C. based special interest group “Whining Dogs of Political Correctness,” said that contributions to his group have gone up 700% since “The Fish Rapper©” hit the streets. Said Mr. Cuisinart, “these journalistic brutes have certainly touched a nerve among our constituents, who are mainly college professors, Democratic staff members, Lifetime network executives and other sensitive males who were forced as children to run from the bus stop to their homes to avoid being terrorized by other kids, mainly the ones who weren’t afraid of the baseball hitting them.” Meanwhile, a group calling itself “Pin-Heads for Parody™” has rallied in support of “The Fish Rapper©”. The group, led by Norman Lear, immediately began distributing “Free the Fish Rapper Seven” buttons, bumper stickers and T-shirts. “This is an issue of first amendment rights,”
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n Became chief correspondent for the CBS TV News Magazine “60 Minutes” in 1933, while still an undergraduate at Warren G. Harding University. n Nothing else of note happened in his career until becoming involved with The Fish Rapper.
said group spokesman Juan Eighthundred. The spokesman also disclosed a 74.3-billion-dollar merchandising deal with Burger King. He said that one tenth of one half a percent of proceeds from every tenth item sold will go into a legal fund for the “Fish Rapper Seven,” after expenses, administrative costs and attorneys fees. Lou Zerr, attorney for the “Fish Rapper Seven®,” could not be reached for comment, despite over seventy-five phone calls to his office and an attempt to crash his mother’s funeral. In a related incident, the body of Amelia Earhardt washed up on the shore of a retirement haven just south of Carmel, California. Ms. Earhardt’s publicist downplayed any connection between the vanished 1930’s aviatrix and “The Fish Rapper.©” She also discounted rumors of a 100 billion dollar endorsement deal with Reebok™.
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Militant Group Opposes Ban on Fuel-Oil-and-Fertilizer Bombs GLANCING BLOW, MICHIGAN — Members of the Michigan Militia have tied up phone lines across the country this week, phoning radio talk shows to voice their opposition to the proposed ban on fuel oil and fertilizer bombs, currently being debated in the Senate. The proposed legislation would fund the deputization of feed store clerks and gas station attendants giving them the authority to arrest suspicious characters attempting to purchase fuel oil and fertilizer. The new federal deputies would also be authorized to serve court subpoenas and referee NBA playoff games. Senate majority leader Bob “Hip Shot” Dole has said he will not fight the legislation if its sponsor, Senator Barney Frank (the only openly gay member of Congress), promised to stop bothering him. Joining the Michigan Militia’s opposition to the ban is the National Fuel Oil and Fertilizer Bomb Association, a grass-roots organization (not affiliated with the National Rifle Association). In the most recent issue of its monthly member magazine “Crazed Loner,” NFO&FBA executive director, Dennis Gruntle, writes passionately that the right to keep and bear fuel oil and fertilizer bombs is a freedom guaranteed by the constitution. In an exclusive interview with “The Fish Rapper©” he brought out his own copy of The Bill of Rights™ and pointed to a section in the second amendment reading, “...A well regulated militia being necessary for the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed... an’ they ought to be able to make up their own explosives out of, say fuel oil and fertilizer, for example, and keep it in any quantity they want to, even enough to fill a Ryder Truck, if they want.” The fact that this passage appeared to be written into the margin in felt-tip pen did not diminish Mr. Gruntle’s belief that his argument is constitutionally sound. Gruntle took great pains to dispel the image of himself as a paranoid schizophrenic, but could not resist firing six rounds from a Glock 9mm handgun at a Pizza Hut delivery boy who rang at the front door. The young man escaped serious injury, but had to cough up $23 to replace three bullet-riddled large pies. “I’m no nut-case,” Mr. Grun-
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National Fuel Oil & Fertilizer Bomb Association executive director D.S.Gruntle defends his organization’s position.
tle asserted as he slammed another clip into his Glock and chewed on a powder-burned slice of deep-dish pepperoni, “and neither are the 300,000 members of my organization. We’re just law-abiding citizens who want to be able to defend ourselves when we’re attacked by a gang of toughs armed with sharpened screwdrivers and ‘zip’ guns on the subway. When asked how a person could possibly protect himself on a crowded subway with as awkward a weapon as a bomb made of gardening materials and petroleum products, and, by the way, how often does a guy who runs an association from offices in Montana get on a subway in the first place, Gruntle began to lose his composure. With pupils the size of Canadian dimes and a large blood vessel throbbing across his forehead, he issued a four-minute tirade on the evils of the “leftist press” and its agenda of mis-information about patriots like himself. He then offered a demonstration close personal combat with a fuel oil and fertilizer bomb, which was politely declined. While a couple of paramilitary-paramedics treated the executive director for hyperventilation, “The Fish Rapper” was able to discreetly rifle through the membership roster, in an effort to verify Gruntles membership claim. Sure enough, there were over 300,000 names on the list. But after factoring out all aliases, the net number came to 462 members. The membership is predominately white men in their late 30’s who
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have been rejected by the military, most metropolitan police forces, rural sheriff’s departments and any security service with liability insur-
ance in force. Special Agent Nick Danger of the bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, said that his agency has had its eye on Gruntle’s organization for some time. Danger says that undercover agents of the ATF (not to be confused with AFTMA, formerly ACE’S Billiards and Taxidermy) have infiltrated the organization, with 461 agents reporting on the movements and activities of the 462-member group. “We haven’t been able to tie them to any terrorist activity or connect them in any way with the handling, distribution or promotion of explosives, which is a disappointment given that the name of the group has the word ‘bomb’ in it. We do think we have them on some tobacco violations, though. Our investigation has uncovered evidence of key organization leaders smoking in dining areas that were clearly designated as non-smoking. It’s only a matter of time before our Swat teams move in,” said Agent Danger. Reflecting on public senti-
ments, he went on: “I know everyone thinks of us as jack-booted Nazi’s with itchy trigger fingers and orders from some sinister faction of new-world-order elitists to make way for the overthrow of America by the U.N. and the installation of Prince Charles as president, but we’re really not all that bad. We sponsor a softball team, hire women and have made a sincere effort to discourage the posting of racist cartoons and paraphernalia on our office walls. We also recycle the spent shells from every botched raid into playground equipment for foster homes where orphans of our suspects are housed,” he added. Opposition to the fuel oil and fertilizer bomb ban has also been voiced by several other anti-government organizations, including the National Sawed-Off Shotgun Association, the National Switchblade Association, the National Blunt Instrument Association and one police group, the National Throw-Down Gun Association.
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COMING SOON!
the bridges of madison square garden
MIKE TYSON • MERYL STREEP IN THE BRIDGES OF MADISON SQUARE GARDEN • A DON KING PRODUCTION • DIRECTED BY DON KING•WRITTEN BY DON KING•EDITED BY DON KING•CATERED BY DON KING R
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California Declared a National Disaster Area EL ROTUNDO, CALIFORNIA — A Government emergency official has declared the state of California a National Disaster Area. Nothing actually happened there, the agency just decided it was time to officially declare the place unfit to sustain human life as we know it. F. Lee Bailout, Director of Declarations at the Federal Agency for Panicked Response, made the announcement. “Who in their right mind would buy property in a region where mudslides, flash fires, earthquakes and “Baywatch” are common everyday phenomenon?,” he asked rhetorically. Bailout produced a series of charts and graphs which proved conclusively that the average California resident is 6,000 times more likely to die a grizzly, unspeakable death than the average skydiving, drug-addicted bomb-squad member who lives in any other state. In fact, if you live in California, you’d better duck right now. Odds are, there is a meteor hurtling toward your head at this very moment, having just ricocheted off your brand new BMW and bored a hulahoop-sized hole in the freshly stuccoed wall of your swank bungalow. Not only must Californians
fear natural disasters, they are also increasingly falling victim to trendy catch-phrase crimes of vio-
from movie studios to rig maniacal death traps for unsuspecting passersby. The base of the catapult is
with some large stationary mass like a brick wall or Delta Burke. The catapulter then casually strolls
Not even the famous Hollywood hill sign has escaped the decay of society and the environment that plagues California. Vandals have erected graffiti on the landmark hill.
lence, like the “car-jacking” craze that was so popular a few years back thanks to California masterminds. But the latest life-threatening crime fad is even worse. “Catapulters” are becoming a real menace, especially on the streets of LA. Catapulters lurk in darkened alleyways and use discarded explosion-effect catapults stolen
disguised as a harmless streetside fixture — for instance, a man-hole cover, a shoe-shine stand, Leonard Nimoy’s Walk of Fame Star, or a dead wino. As a victim steps on it, the culprit springs the trap. The hapless pedestrian is launched violently into the air, hurtling into the path of oncoming traffic or toward a bone-crushing collision
over, rifles through the crumpled heap’s pockets for money, credit cards and maps to the stars’ homes, then slithers back into his lair to reset his fiendish apparatus for the next victim. In spite of such horrifying dangers, however, there is another threat which is of considerably greater concern to federal disaster
officials. No natural disaster or crime spree can come close to the mass hysteria, the personal injury and property damage that is threatened almost daily by sports teams such as the Clippers, Raiders, Rams (recently escaped to St. Louis), Padres, Lakers, Kings, A’s and the insidious Golden State Warriors. “With seething depravity like that running rampant, we ought to just shut the place down and wait for The Big One to strike and carry this infected sewer backwash of a state out to sea, like the garbage scow it is,” said Director Bailout. “This is the first I’ve heard of it,” said President Clinton, when prodded by ABC newsman Sam Donaldson, whose hair is beginning to look more and more like a bad patch of road tar. “That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. Tell me again what he said about the country’s biggest block of electoral votes,” demanded the chief executive, visibly angered. Bailout was immediately summoned to the oval office for a late night “conference.” His body was discovered three hours later in a Washington DC area park, the victim of an apparent suicide.
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THE BURPLEY
POW’R
DENNIS WORM AVAILABLE IN A WIDE RANGE OF FISH-NAUSEATING COLORS!
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TV LOG THURSDAY 7:00 AM (CH 24) LEAVE IT TO BEAVER Lumpy and Eddie Haskel break into Ward Cleaver’s liquor cabinet, get drunk and go on a three-state crime spree. (R) 9:00 AM (ABC) GERALDO Host Geraldo Rivera is hit in the nose with a chair in the first 3 minutes. For the remainder of the show, “Nuns Who Subscribe To Soldier Of Fortune” and “Street Pimps Who Are Active In The Jerry Lewis Telethon” exchange gunfire.
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(CH 11) SALLY JESSE RAPHAEL “Bankers Who Admit Loaning Money To Fishing Guides”. 7:00 PM (FOX) BEVERLY HILLS 90210 The lives, loves and back-stabbing competition among high school students in the make-believe world of Southern California.
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(TNN) LAKE FORK HILLS 70210 The lives, loves and back-stabbing competition between fishing guides on this Texas trophy bass lake. 8:00 PM (NBC) SEINFELD Jerry and Georgie spend the entire half-hour arguing over whose socks leave the most lint on the carpet. Kramer pops in to announce that he’s found a quail living in his hair.
It’s “Take a Kid Fishing” Week on IN-FISHERMAN and as the luck of the draw would have it, Ron and Al Linder get paired with MTV delinquents Beavis and Butt-Head. Join the fun as America’s Foremost Fishing Authorities® try to instill an appreciation of the sport of fishing into the boys. They finally give up, wrap the two punks in braided fishing line and use them as muskie bait. 11:00 AM
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(NICK) BEWITCHED McMann & Tate’s pitch for the Flying Lure® account is jeopardized when Endora turns the client into a world record Largemouth Bass. Larry Tate has a nervous breakdown when he learns that the original Darrin has been replaced by Dick Sergeant. (R)
(CH 24) OPRAH! While she tries to single-handedly settle the mess in Bosnia, Oprah’s entire studio audience is killed by Serb artillery. Meanwhile, her ratings go through the roof and she parlays the would-be disaster into a new 8-figure syndication deal.
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(ESPN) TEXAS ANGLER The back of host Keith Warren’s head as he angles for largemouth bass on Lake Possum Kingdom.
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(CH 16) MAURY POVICH Maury grills CBS officials over their unfair treatment of former Evening News Anchor Person Connie Chung, stressing the toll this job loss must be taking on her family.
(ESPN) HONEY HOLE Jerry Dean and his guest, TV mini-series star Richard Chamberlain, fish for bass on Lake Possum Kingdom. Remarkable camera work puts the viewer right in the action, as the backs of the two fisherman’s heads are shown for the full 30 minutes.
(CBS) 60 MINUTES Ed Bradley and Morely Safer pose as Amish tourists in Istanbul; Dianne Sawyer beats a confession out of Charles Manson; Mike Wallace exposes Professional Wrestling as a sham; Andy Rooney whines about ice cube trays.
(CH 12) AMERICAN GLADIATORS Contestants compete in bizzare “athletic” events against steroid-molded gladiators with intimidating monosyllabic names like “Turbo”, “Dense”, “Spank,” “Pick,” “Stain,” and the ever-menacing “Regis”.
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6:00 PM (CH 26) A CURRENT AFFAIR The Keebler Elves, lovable woodland bakers or foul-tempered trolls with drinking problems and a history of violence?
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(CH 24) LEAVE IT TO BEAVER Beaver and Larry Mondello run away to South Africa, where Larry’s real father, Nelson Mondello, is a political prisoner. (R) 9:00 AM
(LIFETIME) MOVIE “A Woman’s Worst Nightmare” Lindsey Wagner (starring in her 900th Lifetime Network movie) is a woman who marries the man of her dreams, only to find out to her horror that he owns a Bass Boat. Barry Bostwick co-stars (in his 700th Lifetime Network movie role).
(CH 13) MONTEL WILLIAMS “Men Who Have More Invested In Their Tackle Boxes Than In Their Homes.” 10:00 AM (CH 42) JERRY SPRINGER “Accountants Who Fantasize about Over-Tipping.” 10:30 AM (PBS) BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA On his first major world tour, Barney the ridiculous purple dinosaur encounters his Japanese celebrity counterpart. The resulting mayhem and destruction to Greater Tokyo further aggravates the U.S.-Japan trade dispute.
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(NICK) HOGAN’S HEROES Hogan, Lebow, Newkirk and the gang are transferred to Aushcwitz. (Final show of the series) 9:00 PM (NICK) GILLIGAN’S ISLAND The mysterious rash on Gilligan’s thigh suspiciously appears on Mrs. Howell, too. (ABC) 20/20 Hugh Downs bumps his head right before the show and thinks he is back at his old job as host of the 1950’s game show “Concentration.”
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5:00 AM (TNN) ROLAND MARTIN The back of Roland’s head is seen in such exciting fishing locales as Lake Possum Kingdom, The Columbia River, and on the Island of Bimini. 5:30 AM (TNN) JIMMY HOUSTON The back of Jimmy’s head is seen going after Great White Shark, near Amity, Massachusetts with his guest, actor Roy Scheider. 7:00 PM (FAM) THE 700 CLUB Pat Robertson talks about his “Gunnin’ for God” Crusade, an effort to instill family values and marksmanship in the homes of millions of low income Americans, while attempt to raise 10 billion dollars to cover “administrative” costs. 10:30 PM (NICK) THE TWILIGHT ZONE A man who dreams of doing nothing but fishing wakes up one morning to discover to his horror that he has become editor of an outdoor magazine.
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7:00 PM (CBS) MURDER, SHE WROTE The police finally realize that if Angela Lansbury’s character would just stop writing, the local murder rate would go down dramatically. They call in a special squad from the ATF to break both of her arms. 8:00 PM (FOX) MARRIED, WITH CHILDREN Al Bundy finally goes berserk, randomly picking off passengers of a Chicago commuter train with an illegally obtained AK-47. 9:00 PM (NBC) BAYWATCH The beach is threatened with disaster when it is discovered that the trucks bringing the weekly shipment of tanning oil have been hijacked by members of the PLO 9:30 PM (NICK) I LOVE LUCY Ricky and Fred are taken prisoner during the Bay of Pigs invasion. Lucy and Ethel disguise themselves as Fidel Castro and try to get parts in the “Welcome Communism” Revue at the Havana Copacabana. Little Ricky comes home with head lice. 10:00 PM (USA) MCGYVER McGyver rescues a division of freedom fighters using only a can of sterno and a box of No. 2 pencils.
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8/22/18 9:38 AM
The Brave Last Days of Ethel the Bass HACKING COUGH, New Jersey—A team of Harvard researchers claims to have found the secret memoirs of Ethel Bass, the monster largemouth bass who for years lived in a huge aquarium housed at Bass Pro Shops’ world headquarters in Springfield, Missouri. Dr. Phred Phish headed the expedition and was the first to locate the journal, which was stashed under a large, moss-covered rock in back end of the 200,000-gallon aquarium. Says Phish, the 400-plus-page diary tells the story of a sensitive creature who only by chance became one of the world’s most famous sportfish. “Ethel wasn’t looking for fame,”
venson. At the time, Ethel weighed 17.67 pounds and measured 27-1/2 inches long. Shortly thereafter, amidst the glory of being Texas’ biggest bass, she packed her bags and headed to Bass Pro Shops, the angling world’s equivalent of Hollywood. “She was an excellent singer, and put on some wonderful stage shows over the years for the thousands of people who came to get her autograph,” says Phish. “She was especially fond of country music.” According to Phish, who has extensively studied the diary in recent weeks, Ethel’s fondest day was the crisp fall morning when she got the chance to do a duet with country star Tracy Byrd. “He was a dream,” reads the diary. “He played me real light on a barbless worm hook, and he wet his hands before he gently picked me up. We sang ‘Will the Circle Hook Be Unbroken?’, ‘Please Release Me,’ ‘These Baits are Made for Walkin’ and ‘The Watermelonseed Crawl’ before he kissed me and let me go.” Ethel Ethel in her prime: pictured above with angler Mark Stevenson on the night she was died last summer. named Texas State Champion. After eight years of eating a strict diet says Phish. “All she wanted that day was of fried fish sticks and wormburgers she had some lunch. Instead, she ended up with a attained a record weight of better than 150 number 4 treble hook in the jaw and a one- pounds. Over a thousand people attended way trip to Missouri.” her funeral, among them Elvis Presley, Jim She was caught on November 26, my Hoffa and several heads of state. Surviv1986 by Lake Fork pro guide Mark Ste- ing Ethel are 783,291 four-inch fingerlings
A young Ethel gets to meet and sing with her idol, country singer Tracy Byrd. The bass and the singer did a few numbers together before Byrd gave her an affectionate kiss and released her.
and her husband, 212-pound grouper Lou “Lunker” Louis, road manager for the rock group Hootie and the Blowfish. In lieu of flowers, friends and relatives requested that donations be sent to the new Texas Freshwater Fisheries Center in Athens. According to Phish, Bass Pro
Shops is currently negotiating the rights for a made-for-TV- movie tentatively entitled “A Star is Spawned.” Also in the works is a biography, “The Roadbed Less Traveled.”
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DEMON GRASS CARP DEVOUR ACRES OF PRIME GRASS LAND
In an environmental catastrophe so severe that top-level sources with the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department refuse to acknowledge its existence, the resident white amour of Lake Conroe have taken to the field. Better than a 250,000 of the vegetation-eating rough fish, better known as “grass carp,” were released into the
21,000-acre impoundment in 1983 in an effort to rid the lake of hydrilla. Texas A&M biologists, who directed the program and insisted the fish would die out once they had finished dining on hydrilla beds, are baffled. “It’s the dangdest thing I’ve ever seen,” said A&M Professor Clem Hopkins. “Them fish were ‘sposed to croak.” Hopkins and associates
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speculate that the carp, like the notorious “walking catfish” of Florida, have had the ability to leave the water all along. “With all that hydrilla there weren’t no reason for ‘em to leave.” Hopkins commented. “But with it gone,” he added, “I reckon they didn’t have no choice but to hit the ground crawling.” The story broke when the Fish Wrapper received an
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call from Biff Barker, the greens keeper for Walden on Lake Conroe, who arrived at the spacious golf course early Wednesday morning only to find that the greens and most of the fairway on the 18th hole had been devoured. Since then, the fish have finished off all but the hole five tee box. Officials with TPWD remain tight-lipped, but an anon-
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ymous member of the department’s executive branch has hinted that the use of military force may be necessary to halt the rapid spread of the lawn-loving rough fish. Meanwhile, residents of the area are erecting “carp-proof” fences in an effort to protect their lawns and pastures.
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8/21/18 6:31 PM
Satan Caught on Lake Amistad Trotline
Trotline angler Tubby Lard, of East Zilch Texas, shows off his remarkable trophy, the Prince of Darkness himself, Satan. Lard pulled in the Lord of the Netherworld when he was checking his 8 mile-long trotline around 2 in the morning. “I started pulling him in and right away I could tell I had a nasty one hooked. The sky turned fire red, then it started raining dead birds and vinyl siding salesmen. I finally put him in the boat and he really put up a fight. He promised me a lifetime of wealth and fame in exchange for his freedom and my eternal soul. “But I wasn’t buying. I whacked him with a boat oar, then hauled him on in to the house. That was one tasty devil (I have this cajun spicy recipe I use on special catfish!).” Lard said the Black Angel went for a live goldfish.
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Nevada Man Wins Disgruntled Postal Workers Shooting Contest GUN BARREL CITY, TX—Shooter Carl Stamper of Reno, Nevada, recently scored a perfect 100x100 in the First Annual Disgruntled Postal Workers Association (DPWA) Sporting Clays Tourney, held last week in this small northeast Texas community. Stamper, 63, defeated 74 other unhappy U.S. Postal Service employees during the grueling two-day event. Even more amazing, Stamper used not the standard issue 12-gauge shotgun to accomplish the remarkable feat but instead a specially modified AR-15 automatic rifle. “It weren’t easy,” comments Stamper. “That ‘Ducking Mail Clerk” stand almost did me in. Only thing that got me through was pretending that those clay pigeons were my boss, that no-good, lyin’ SOB Clem Letterman. This score was a good one,” he says, “no doubt about it. But,” he adds, “ol’ Clem and I have another score to settle when I get back to Reno.”
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Shooters worked their way through a complex series of clay target set-ups intended to mimic real-life shooting situations. Like conventional sporting clays, which offers such challenges as
“Springing Teal” and “Running Rabbit,” the DPWA event provided authentic renditions of common scenarios such as “Screaming Supervisor,” “Angry Old Lady” and “Poodle on Leash.”
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bounds. “We get new membership applications in here every day. Basically there are two natural phenomena that are causing the rapid increase in new members of the Disgruntled Postal Workers Association. Number one, the mail will always move slower and slower every year. Number two, postal rates will always rise at about 40 times the rate of inflation. These two phenomena naturally cause the general public to put more and more pressure on our highly over paid, underworked constituents. It’s only a matter of time before they need to reach out to us.” Looney then excused himself, picked out an automatic weapon and said he had to take care of some business at the main post office downtown.
Stamper won an all expense-paid trip to Washington, a tour of the Whitehouse and and all major tourist attractions. “We are very pleased with the results of our first annual tour-
nament,” said DPWA executive vice president Grover Looney. Looney, who spoke from executive offices atop the Texas School Book Depository in Dallas, said that membership is growing by leaps and
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Carp Lips Lager—The beer that made Lake Conroe (Texas) famous! That bold, breathtaking, mind-numbing taste gets your attention and holds it, sometimes for hours (or until you can pry your lips open again to pour picante sauce, lemon juice, Everclear or just about anything you can find to bring your taste buds back to reality.)
GOVERNMENT WARNING: CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOL HAS BEEN SHOWN TO CAUSE STRANGE BEHAVIOR IN LABORATORY ANIMALS, ESPECIALLY GUYS NAMED “LOUIE.” DISCONTINUE USE OF THIS PRODUCT IF ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS OCCUR: DIZZINESS; BLURRED VISION; OVER-TIPPING; THE TOOTHLESS HAG AT THE END OF THE BAR STARTS BEARING A REMARKABLE RESEMBLANCE TO MEG RYAN; YOUR CAR IS FOUND PARKED IN THE FROZEN FOOD AISLE OF WINN DIXIE; YOU WAKE UP WITH THE WORDS “BORN TO LINE DANCE” TATTOOED ACROSS YOUR CHEST .
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