FOUR COLOR
FOUR COLOR
ELVIS GETS TV SERIES COMES OUT OF FAKED-DEATH RETIREMENT TO STAR AS MANHATTAN COMEDIAN WHO SHARES TEDIOUS LIFE EXPERIENCES WITH ECCENTRIC FRIENDS
News That’s Too Clever For Its Own Good
™
Summer 1997 • $3.00 (TODAY ONLY)
HOSTAGE CRISIS GRIPS WHITE HOUSE
Scout Troop Troop Held Held In In Clinton ClintonBid BidtotoEscape EscapeJustice Jus SIX FLAGS’ WASHINGTON, DC—The notorious Clinton Gang, cornered by federal, state and talk radio investigators, resorted to desperate action late Tuesday afternoon. In a daring bid to escape the mounting evidence that they have committed felonies ranging from illegal campaign financing to aggravated assault and first degree murder, the Clintons pounced on an unsuspecting Whitehouse tour group, made up mostly of visiting Boy Scouts, taking them hostage. The scout group, from Kennebunkbed, Maine, had won a trip to the nation’s capitol by selling industrial forklifts door-to-door. They had spent the day touring Washington’s most famous attractions—the Lincoln Memorial, The Washington Monument, Happy Hour with Ted Kennedy—before heading to the White House for a special private tour. As the scouts were being escorted through the presidential living quarters and marveling at Chelsea Clinton’s underwear hamper, just down the hallway things were beginning to unravel in the inner sanctum of the nation’s top organized crime syndicate.
Besieged by special prosecutors investigating their involvement in a number of so-called “-gate” scandals, it was only a matter of time before the walls caved in on the most morally bankrupt administration since Harry Truman ran an illegal numbers racket out of the Treasury Department. For those unfamiliar with the current slate of brand-named scandals plaguing the Clintons, the National Association of Special Prosecutors has provided this recap: Whitewatergate™—The most well-known of the First Family’s sleazy transgressions, this scandal involves shady real estate deals in which, during the late seventies, Bill and Hillary (dressed in matching leisure suits) spent their weekends conducting an illegal time-share scam at the Whitewater Luxury Mobile Home Villas in rural Arkansas. The Clintons allegedly lured unsuspecting buyers to the property with promises of fabulous prizes and appointments GO TO PG 2 (...NOW!) *
Rosanne Bursts Into Flames! (one too many burritos, say experts) 97 Fish Rapper.indd 1
SATAN
SUES McDONALDS
BURNED WHEN OVERHEATED 0 74470 77421 1 EGG MCMUFFIN FELL IN HIS LAP
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* CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 to the Arkansas Horse Racing Commission (the equivalent of a university board appointment in Arkansas). The victims were then fleeced of cash and securities by the then-governor and his wife, who led them to believe they were investing in a sky’s-the-limit real estate venture. Instead, their money purchased a one-weekend use of a converted VW bus, which they had to share with a family of illegal aliens hired to shovel out the development’s lone septic tank every three or four days The Clintons were turned in by disgruntled buyers Wanda and Howie Diddit of Inbred Springs, Ark., who ironically were happy with their real estate purchase. Their problem was, they claimed, that the “designer telephone” they won as a come-on prize for taking the Whitewater tour had faulty wiring and resulted in Mr. Diddit’s hair falling out and choking the couple’s pet Chihuahua, Romeo. The Clintons ultimately settled out of court, by appointing Wanda Diddit Secretary of Defense. But the scandal still looms over the presidency. Hillary’s Commodities Spree-gate™— Another well-known scandal, in which the First Lady invested $9 in Grecian Formula futures, just as Ronald Reagan entered office. Within three weeks she had parlayed the tiny investment into an empire worth more than $600 million. Critics argue that she was given insider trading information from her broker, Carlo “The Squeal” Gambuzzio, who was later indicted as the mastermind of an obscene greeting card racket. Mrs. Clinton counters that anyone with keen financial sense, and the ability to station a National Guard troop outside their broker’s offices, could have done just as well as she did. Unfortunately for the Clintons, their windfall was quickly eaten away by an ill-advised membership in The Columbia House Record Club. Vince Foster Goes For A Ride-gate™—G. Gordon Liddy, well-known radio host and the Paranoid Schizophrenic Society’s Man Of The Year, alleges that the Clintons personally rubbed-out trusted friend and attorney Vince Foster, because he had “lost his nerve” and was about to spill his guts to Phil Donahue about the corruption and depravity in the administration.
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BILL “PASTY FACE” CLINTON
SUMMER 1997 Published as a public service by TEXAS FISH & GAME PUBLISHING CO., LLC The National Fish Rapper™ is the Evil Twin of Texas Fish & Game™ magazine. Home office: 7600 W. Tidwell Suite 708 Houston, TX 77040 Telephone: 713/690-FISH • Fax: 713/690-GEEX Or e-mail us via the fabulous Internet at: fishrapperidiots@ix.netcom.com WARNING: This publication is SATIRICAL in nature. None of the funny little stories published herein is intended in any way to offend any person, political action group, race or game species. If you find you have been offended, please call our toll free WHINE-LINE, 1-800-2-DAMN BAD! NOTE TO THE HUMOR IMPAIRED: If you are in the legal profession or work in PR for a fishing industry manufacturer, please note that THIS IS ALL A JOKE! DO NOT TAKE ANY OF IT SERIOUSLY.
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Publisher . . . . . . . . . . . . Cap’n Roy “Barnacle Cheeks” Neves Editor. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cap’n Larry “Cheese Bait” Bozka Advertising Director . . . . Cap’n Ardia “Seine Slasher” Neves Top Management . . . . . . . . Cap’n Ron “Speedo Rack” Ward Key Executive. . . . . . . . . . . . Cap’n Stephanie “Hi Sailor” Ward Contributing Writer. . . . Cap’n Reavis “Ivan the Irritable” Wortham Contributing Writer. . . . . . . . . Cap’n Doug “Peg Neck” Pike Printing Chief. . . . . Cap’n Griff “Show Me The Chum” Morris Advertising Sales. . . . . . Cap’n Jeni “Shove Off” Schuhmann Advertising Sales. . . . . . . . . Cap’n Luke “Shark Bait” Sivilich Advertising Sales. . . . . . . . . Cap’n Bill “Bilge Bucket” Warren Advertising Sales. . . . . . . Cap’n Jim “The Tarpon Fillet” King Classified Sales . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cap’n Tommy “Abu” Garza Office Manager. . . . . . Cap’n Jennifer “Gaff Fingers” Gibson Admin. Asst.. . . . . . . . . . . . . Cap’n Johnna “Village” Peoples Production Dir.. . . . . . . . Cap’n Wendy “Krash Test” Kipfmiller Graphic Design. . . . . . . Cap’n Anna “Crab Trap” Campbell Circulation Admin.. . . . Cap’n Stephanie “Trotline” Thompson Subscriber Services. . . Cap’n Stacey “Hooked on Pez” Perez Subscriber Services. . . Cap’n Belinda “The Conquistador” Castilla Illustrations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cap’n Jeff “Gill Net” Neves Set Designer. . . . . . . . Cap’n Cecily “Harpoon Happy” Howze Wardrobe. . . . . . . . . . . Cap’n Betty “The Albatross” Demarest Key Grip. . . . . . . . . . . . . Cap’n Dave “Hardhead” Hargraves Best Boy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cap’n Steve “Mullet Meat” Morell Stunts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cap’n Nick “Bad Bouy“ Barbieri Auditor. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cap’n Judy “Green Gills” Gould Paid Informant. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cap’n Bill “Backlash” Bray
SUMMER 1997
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HILLARY “WHITE KNUCKLES” RODHAM
himself. I don’t think there’s anything to Mr. Liddy’s bizarre theories regarding a ‘murder’,” Pinhedda added from a secret location somewhere within the Federal Witness Protection Program. Paula Jones Meets Mr. Happy-gate™—In this one, Bill Clinton d.c.p.d 0 0 6 9 3 d.c.p.d 0 0 6 9 3 is accused of trying to seduce the pedicure specialist of a Little AL “THE GORILLA” GORE Rock beauty parlor/ pinball repair shop. It is alleged that According to Liddy’s sources (which he lured her to his hotel room, then stripped include voices no one else can hear), after they naked and invited her to join him in a bathtub failed in all attempts to reason with Foster, full of live shad. She declined and would have including promises to make him Ambassador to forgotten the matter completely, except that: A.) Las Vegas, the Clinton’s decided to “take him He got elected president and, B.) She happened out”, and make it look like a suicide. to catch a late-night TV commercial for the firm Those who knew Foster doubt he killed of Pillage & Burns, Attorneys at Law. himself. Moo Goo Gai Panhandling-gate™ — Capital“The day before they found him, he was as izing on Clinton’s fondness for Chinese food, happy-go-lucky as ever... whistling catchy Show the Communist Chinese Government is accused Tunes and getting his shoes shined. Why bother of procuring illegal influence within the admingetting a shoe shine?” said then-chief of staff istration and the entire democratic party. Leon Pinhedda. The influence-for-sale racket can be traced “He did exhibit a somewhat higher level of back to a dinner Clinton attended at the Wang paranoia that day, however,” Pinhedda recalled. Chung Noodle House and Shuffleboard Parlor “He was wearing a flak jacket and would let out in Little Rock, as the guest of the late Chinese the most hideous, piercing shriek whenever his dictator Deng Chaioping (whose name sounds pager went off. But other than that, he was quite like a bullet ricocheting off kitchen utensils).
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PHOTOS BY THE D.C. POLICE DEPT. SOUVENIR SHOP
Clintons take hostages in daring bid
Al Gore’s Dialing For Dollars-gate™ In this most recent scandal, the vice-president is accused of setting up a telemarketing “bull pen” in the cabinet room, for the purpose of running high-pressure fund-raising efforts, as well as selling Amway products. Suspicions arose when Newt Gingrich got his American Express bill and discovered that his wife had used his Gold Card to purchase 300 gallons of carpet cleaner and pay off $2 Billion in cost overruns on a new Naval Base in Hot Springs, Arkansas.
U
nder the intense pressure of so many scandals, the key figures in the syndicate met to discuss their options. Holed up in their Oval Office lair, plotting maneuvers—legal and otherwise—to thwart the wheels of justice, they were tipped off about impending police action. The gang’s consigliere, Webster “World Wide Web” Hubbell, got a phone call from the Clinton’s chief paid informant in the Justice Department, Janet “I Shot A Man In” Reno, warning of an arrest warrant that was about to be issued. Ironically, the warrant covered none of the serious federal violations under investigation—Reno’s heavy-handed intimidation of the ethics authorities had kept a lid on those charges. Instead, the Washington D.C. police department wanted to question Hillary about a string of liquor store hold-ups on the district’s seedy lower east side. When D.C. detectives arrived at the Whitehouse to take the first lady in, the gang
BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS...
For the second year, The National Fish Rapper™ has been dedicated to raising funds for the Future Fishermen’s Foundation, a non-profit organization for the promotion of fishing to America’s youth. Proceeds from the sale ads in this issue will be donated to the Future Fishermen’s Foundation. As of press time, the amount raised for donation to the Foundation was $5,500 Thanks
to the following advertisers whose sense of humor is matched by their sense of responsibility to our industry:
ALL STAR GRAPHITE RODS FRED ARBOGAST COSTA DEL MAR CRESTLINER BOATS DOA LURES DIAWA FISHERMAN EYEWEAR KENNER BOATS NORMARK BILL NORMAN LURES NUMARK PARKS BLUE WAVE PLANO MANUFACTURING TRU-TURN HOOKS ZEBCO
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to escape justice was waiting for them. Detectives Chance Gamble and Zip Strafe (played by Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson) were escorted into the oval office by a seemingly surprised chief of staff, Harold Yuckees. Awestruck by gaining access to the Presidential quarters without having to donate large sums of cash, the detectives let down their guard for the first time in over 20 years of hazardous, action-packed police work. Their carelessness proved fatal. Pretending to serve the cops tea from a silver tea set left over from Herbert Hoover, the First Lady suddenly swung the 12-lb. tea pot at the detectives, striking them both across the jaws in a classic “Three Stooges” slug, instantly knocking them unconscious. The Clintons and Gore then produced automatic weapons from a secret closet originally installed by Ollie North 12 years earlier, but wallpapered over by President Bush, who wanted to “forget that silly arms trading mess”. Armed and looking for trouble, they burst out of the Oval Office and began making their way toward a secured exit. Just as Scoutmaster Percy Quisinart escorted his troop around the corner of the hallway leading to the President’s headquarters, a hand grabbed him at the mouth, while the cold muzzle of an M-16 dug into his ear. It was Vice President Gore, a veteran of ‘Nam (where he coordinated USO variety shows, but nevertheless had heard stories of how to deal with “Charlie”). The Vice President forced the frightened scoutmaster to his knees and, losing his head to the position of domination he now had attained, began pummeling the man with the butt of his M-16. The beating continued until Hillary seized the vice president’s arm and slapped him across the face. “Let’s not get carried away, you idiot,” the First Lady reportedly said. “We’re going to need that hostage to negotiate with later.” The Clintons and Gore then rounded up all the scouts and stuffed them in the Lincoln bedroom. Then, using the Hotline Phone, they contacted D.C. police commissioner Dan Quayle and issued a
tc h e B
didn’t
Know Tidbits of preposterously unlikely facts and events, such as:
“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...” . ..The incidence of drive by shootings in Los Angeles has gone up 60% since Alanis Morrisette’s first album was released.
“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...” ... The world record for dancing the Macarena was set by Felix Rappaport of East Brunswick, New Jersey, dancing non-stop to the music from April 2 to June 28, 1996. Young Mr.
set of demands. The demands included a helicopter to escort the Clintons and Gores to Andrews Air Force Base where Air Force One was to be waiting, gassed up with enough fuel to fly them to Lybia, where Clinton’s college roommate, Muhammar Ghaddafi, waited with a gala welcoming bash. While Quayle scrambled to meet the demands, it turned out that the resourceful scouts were taking measures to gain their own escape. From the Honor Bar, installed in the Lincoln Bedroom as part of its renovation into a high-dollar hotel suite, the Scouts pilfered enough cookie dough, baking soda and picante sauce with which to construct a small but powerful explosive device. They placed the explosive material on the wall between the Lincoln Bedroom and the oval office and detonated it using the remote control from the In-Room-Movie box. The explosion blew a large hole in the wall and the scouts scrambled through it, surprising the Clinton gang, who were distracted by their negotiations with Commissioner Quayle. One of the scouts swung Mrs. Clinton around and slugged her in the jaw, knocking her unconscious. He then grabbed her sub machine-gun and held it on the rest of the gang while his fellow scouts disarmed them. Police then rushed in and took the presidential party into custody. They were released later in the afternoon on 62 Billion-dollars bail, posted by a shadowy figure wearing a Tyson Chicken gimme cap. A CNN-Fish Rapper Poll indicated that Clinton, who has enjoyed a teflon-like immunity from unfavorable public opinion, actually GAINED two percentage points in his job approval rating. Rush Limbaugh had to be treated for heat-stroke after delivering his reaction to the entire incident.
! REPORTED BY ROY “LIBEL-GATE” NEVES
Rappaport, 26, was a vinyl clothing salesman prior to quitting his job to seek the record. Since succeeding, he has been a resident of the New Jersey State Hospital for the Violently Insane. The men suspected of producing the “Macarena” record fled the United States in September of 1996 and remain at large, eluding an international manhunt. If captured, they face sentences of over 900 years in prison.
“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...” . ..That William Shatner was not Gene Roddenberry’s first choice for the role of Captain Kirk in the Star Trek TV series. Roddenberry thought Shatner to be too serious an actor for the part. But when contractual conflicts prevented the availability of Jerry Lewis, Roddenberry had to settle on Shatner.
“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW” ...That The Wall Street Journal started out as a horse track betting form. Originally used by gamblers at the old Heimlichmaneuver Downs, just off Wall Street in New York City, the Journal was a gossipy tip sheet that included such items as Jockey Itch (a column following the night-life antics of track jockeys). It wasn’t until the
“...NEWS THAT CONSUMES 27 TIMES ITS WEIGHT IN EXCESS STOMACH ACID.”
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Texas Couple Feeds Fishbait to Toddler by REAVIS “ROADKILL” WORTHAM n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
FREDERICKSBURG, Texas—Dub and Tamika Rupe confessed to feeding fishbait to their son during a radio interview on fishing in Texas. Initially, the Rupes were interviewed by radio station, F.I.S.H. (78.1 on your dial) personality “Tightline” Gipson, during his coverage of rainbow trout stocking in the state. Gipson had interviewed several other anglers crowded around a small central Texas lake as they waited for the stocking truck to arrive. Enthusiastic anglers frequently intercept radio communications to find out when and where trout will be stocked. Some less ethical pisculators then lurk nearby with nets, waiting for the TP&W to dump the farm raised trout into the water. The Rupes were holding their nets and waiting nearby with their toddler, Arnold, when Tightline Gipson noticed the child was regularly reaching into what was obviously a bait can. It was apparent they were feeding the child in an effort to keep their strategic position in the bushes near the stocking truck a secret. Interested, Gipson began an interview concerning trout fishing, and then quickly switched tactics in a classic “bait” and switch technique. He accused the parents of child abuse. Shocked officials are investigating the allegations after the parents readily admitted they regularly feed the toddler fish bait. “Why sure,” said Dub Rupe. “Why not? The little son-of-a-gun eats all the time anyway. I wasn’t too thrilled the last time he ate all the bait, because then the fish started biting and we didn’t have anything to catch them with, but I usually don’t care.” The mother agreed during the interview. “I don’t know what the stink is all
great depression, when investing in stocks became more of a gamble than betting the horses, that Journal publishers decided to start covering the markets.
about. He ate a dead frog one time when we weren’t looking and it didn’t hurt him none. Just gave him a little gas, that’s all.” The Rupes were using corn and marshmallows to entice the fish to strike. Doctors are concerned. “You can’t eat bait,” said concerned Baylor Medical doctors, frowning and wearing stethoscopes which proves they are doctors. “I don’t care how hungry the child is, if it’s bait, they shouldn’t eat it.” Local game wardens looked into the incident, also, concerned this could set a disastrous trend. “We know farm raised trout will eat marshmallows, and we don’t want to come out here and see fishermen eating the bait.” There is some disagreement between college professors and game wardens concerning the labeling of various piscatory enticements. “We’re talking about semantics here,” said Harold Edgerton, Harvard Wood Shop Professor. The college professors with bad hair feel if corn and marshmallows are purchased as food products they can be used as bait, also, but could still be safely consumed. Parks and Wildlife officials argue that if corn and marshmallows are purchased as bait it should be illegal for humans to consume the products. Dub Rupe added another nail into his own coffin when he confirmed the toddler has also eaten other forms of bait. “We got back from catfishing last weekend and boiled up the rest of the crawdads we’d seined for bait. Arnold ate about two pounds of tails and was sucking the heads before we were though.” Crawfish are frequently used as bait, also. “It just goes to show these people don’t care anything about their kid. They feed him fishbait all the time. It just isn’t right,” said Tightline Gipson.
!
“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...” ...That it is illegal to transport live insurance adjusters between Kentucky and Tennessee.
“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...”
“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...”
...That a crazed madman is stalking your every move, just waiting for the opportunity to slice you into small, edible pieces.
...That the youngest person elected mayor of a U.S. city is 11 year old Benji Moscowitz of Fort Petulence, Indiana. Young Mr. Moscowitz took office in 1996 by conducting a clever write-in campaign on election day, on the morning after a city-wide drunken founders day bash. The precocious youth handed out flyers to hung-over voters as they stumbled into the town hall to cast their votes, easily defeating the other candidates. However, he was forceably removed from office after a six month reign of terror during which teachers, school administrators and a bully named Butch Radowsky were all rounded up and shot by the pre-teen mayor’s death squads.
“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...” ...That in Massacussetts you can technically still pay a utility bill with toenail clippings.
“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...” ...That production on the movie version of the best-selling book “The Celestine Prophecy” was recently halted, due to the fact that the entire cast and crew were just simply too damn bored to continue.
“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...” ...That the rock band Led Zepplin actually started out as Nathan Zowickie and Associates, Certified Public Accountants. They diversified into rock music on the recommendation of a management consultant.
“BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW...” ...That a group of Soccer Moms was savagely attacked by a gang of Pee Wee Rugby Moms, outside a TCBY yogurt store in Hartclogg, Conn.
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FOUR COLOR
Bambi Harvested
Boone and Crockett™ Announce Impressive Score
ENCHANTED FOREST, Calif.—-A crushing mass of apparently rabid media personalities and reporters recently descended upon the lawn of Mr. Chevon Spankmee, who may soon be the most famous man alive. Mr. Spankmee is in possession of the world’s most celebrated deer mount, Bambi. As a snarling pack of reporters callously smushed the last of this year’s pansies in Spankmee’s flower beds while shouting unintelligible questions, Spankmee read a prepared statement concerning the authentication of the rack and its subsequent score. “I’m pleased to announce today that Boone and Crockett has entered an official score of 198 1/3 for The Bambi Rack,” Spankmee read. “The mount, sporting an incredible 33 inch spread, will be on display on the porch behind my trailer until rabbit season opens next fall.” There was no immediate response from Bambi’s agent and close childhood friend, Thumper the rabbit, concerning this announcement. Already there is a clamor from outdoorsmen across the state for Spankmee to display the mount for a longer period of time. “I’ve heard about that deer all my life,” remarked Ted Nugent, rock star and chronic sufferer of Cat Scratch Fever. “I’ve been hunting him for years and nearly cornered the sly dog in a cantina down in Juarez, Mexico, back in 1980 when he was strung out on mescal and Deer Cocaine. Now I’ll never have the opportunity to get him in my bowsights, but at least I can see what I missed.” Bambi shot to superstar status fifty years ago when his autobiography, Bambi, was released as a big budget animated film. The story concerned the brutal murder of his mother by a gang of poachers and the impact it made on his life. After the movie’s release, a bulked-up Bambi went into seclusion amid rumors of steroid and rack supplement use. For years it was speculated that Bambi was hiding somewhere in either The Big Thicket of deep east Texas, or in the virtually unexplored wilderness area of Washington state. Speculation ended this month when Spankmee surfaced with the massive rack sporting twelve points and one drop tine. Spankmee sheepishly admitted there were originally two drop tines, but one was broken off when Bambi suddenly stepped into the middle of Highway 68 and was struck by Spankmee’s cab-over eighteen wheeler. “The taxidermist tried his best, but he just couldn’t get all those tread marks out of the cape,” Spankmee admitted. PAGE 4
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PHOTO BY TEXAS BAMBI HUNTERS ASSOCIATION
by REAVIS “THE RUT BUSTER” WORTHAM n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
Chevon Spankmee proudly shows off his latest trophy, the carcass of beloved children’s film star Bambi, harvested by Spankmee under questionable circumstances. Nonetheless, the rack got an impressive score from Boone & Crockett.
There was some concern at Boone and Crockett headquarters concerning the method of harvesting, but Spankmee convinced the scorers that the bullet from his .470 Nitro Express was the actual cause of Bambi’s demise, not the tractor rig, and thus he was legally harvested. Thumper did come out of his own reclusive burrow long enough to make a statement to what he referred to as “the evil press” concerning the life of Bambi. Surrounded by 6,000 of his youngest children and his somewhat tired wife of fifty years, he spoke of his old friend. “I knew he was upset. He has been for years. Wouldn’t you be if you had to spend the last fifty years with a name like Bambi? It wouldn’t have been so bad if his name had been Bambo for instance. That’s a manly name and it goes well with the camouflage headband he habitually wore in honor of his hero Stallone. I’m really not n
convinced it wasn’t suicide.” “He’d been depressed for some time over his name,” Thumper continued. “You know, he did step in front of the truck in broad daylight. Anyway, with a name like Thumper, I’ve had those same thoughts myself.” “All of a sudden, there he was, standing in the middle of the road with a wild look in his eye,” Spankmee was reportedly heard to say at the accident scene. “But it was deer season and I thought what the heck, I still hadn’t filled my deer tag yet. I hit him so hard it knocked the dip out of his bottom lip.” It reportedly took two hours to pick the victim out of the truck’s grill. In a 1977 interview, the last ever granted by Bambi, he lamented the difficulties in his life. “The most significant problem I’ve had is the fact that I never shed these darn antlers like other deer. I’m a year-round
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target for poachers and legitimate hunters alike,” Bambi said. Baby Boomers from around the state have also responded to a recently circulated survey about the famous deer. Ninety-eight percent of those polled admitted they’d had enough of Bambi throughout their lifetimes and would experience no regret at his demise. Most surveyed said they planned to view the mount while on display. As a sidebar, during his interview, Thumper also admitted he’s a little worried about the opening of rabbit season next fall. He didn’t know Texas even had a rabbit season, but Spankmee reminded the entire state of the event, Thumper said. Walt Disney has been unavailable for comment.
! The National Fish Rapper™...
8/22/18 5:52 PM
FOUR COLOR
by ROY “GANG BAIT” NEVES n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
DA BRONX, NY—The first rays of brown-stained sunlight were just beginning to crest the dumpster, piled high with spent Olde English 40’s and soiled ambulance gurney linens, as the seasoned guide lifted the set of Rattlin Graffiti Spray Cans™ and skillfully began producing the sound of gangbanger turf-marking. The dumpster provided excellent cover, along with our Realbrick™ urban cammo outfits, for our trophy gang calling hunt. My guide was veteran gang caller Winston Murray Burnemup, the legendary inventor of the world’s most successful gang calls. Winston has been guiding urban gang calling hunts—also known as “street predator calling” or “vermin hunting”—for several years, mostly in the eastern seaboard. His brother, Murray Winston Burnemup, runs a similar guide service in Southern California, working the Compton, Venice and Westwood gang preserve areas. The brothers have been written about in hundreds of gang calling magazines, including the cover story in the current issue of “Texas Fists & Gangs.” Together, the Burnemup Bros. have developed a wide range of Gang Calling equipment, including calls, camouflage and scents. In addition to the effective “Rattlin Graffiti Spray Cans™”, the Burnemup Bros. have created such gang calls as Injured Rabbi™, Cabbie in Distress™, Jingling Purse™, ATM Whir™, and Drunk Stockbroker™. Their line of human odor-masking scents includes
such urban-natural smells as Taxicab Floor™, Hooker Breath™, Sanitation Strike™, Pure Vagrant Urine™, and Plasma Bank™. And their variety of Urban Camouflage patterns is amazingly effective at blending the hunter in with his surroundings. While Winston and I crouched quietly in position, wearing our Burnemup Bros. Real Brick™ cammo pattern outfits with matching shoes and handbags, a volunteer with the Donald Trump™ for Mayor campaign almost plastered a “Do The Donald” poster over us, so well did we blend into the abandoned factory wall behind us. Other patterns in the Burnemup Bros. spring line include Real Lounge Velvet™, Real Union Hall Paneling™, Real Bus Station Bathroom™ and Real Cyclone Fence™. Almost immediately, Winston’s rattlin’ spray can call caught the interest of a roving band of young gang bangers. We could tell they were young initiates, and not the more seasoned trophy punks that we were really after, by the way they strutted right in without any caution. But we were hunting a Gang Management Area, so we felt obliged to take whatever we called up. The leader of the pack, a “Vinnie,” came to within 3 feet of Winston before he realized he’d been suckered into a trap. Before the 3rd grade drop-out could react, Winston pulled out his special pliers, snatched the “Vinnie” by the bridge of his nose and wrestled him into the Burnemup Bros. Gang Box™ that we had set up nearby. Not smart enough to realize their leader had been bagged, two more of the young toughs—one, a slick-haired “Ricco,” the other a fat “Augie”—followed in after the spray can rattling and were easily bagged by Winston and myself. Our Schrade Stainless-Steel Gang Hunting Pliers™ worked flawlessly. Burnemup’s technique is
Legendary Urban Gang Caller Winston Burnemup demonstrates gang calling technique with his new Rattlin’ Graffiti Spray Cans™ while wearing his Real Brick™ Urban Cmmo pattern.
to grab the gang quarry at the bridge of the nose. “Some hunters go for the ear or the crotch. I don’t like appendages—they’re too prone to ripping off when the quarry takes flight.” By grabbing the bridge of the gang banger’s nose, he not only gets a good, solid grip, he also causes the quarry to involuntarily flail his arms wildly up and down as if in winged flight, rendering it incapable of striking a defensive blow against the hunter. “Some fellers have started using snares and other traps. That just ain’t sport to me,” says
Burnemup. He described some of the popular gang traps on the market, such as Moultrie’s Wallet on a String™, complete with authentic looking $20-bill edges sticking out. Having bagged our limit, we tagged the trophies with brass nose-rings then drove them up to the release site near the posh tennis courts of Flushing, New York. Despite what hybrid animal-gang rights activists would like everyone to believe, gang calling is primarily a catch and release sport that is quite humane, actually. Most of the relocated
PHOTO BY OUTDOOR PHOTOGRAPHER FIELDING STREAM
Urban Gang Calling with the Master of the Sport
gang members assimilate into the local tennis culture and wind up breeding with debutantes, then taking over their father-in-law’s stock brokerage. Of course, it’s not the same story everywhere with gang callers. “Some of the fellers down in Louisiana are meat ‘n hide hunters, but there’s more of a market for gang-skin apparel down in that country. Especially those hides with distinct tatoo patterns,” says Winston.
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Gingrich Newt Put on Endangered Species List by LARRY “SAVE THE FIRE ANT” BOZKA n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Last year’s “Million Man Bass Tournament,” organized by black bass activist Louis Farraminkota and held at the Capitol reflection pond, did more than expose the ugly reality of the nation’s white bass supremacist groups. It revealed a species of salamander which for years has been considered extinct. The Gingrich Newt (Republicanus corruptus), is the newest addition to the The Gingrich Newt, killer bass bait and new special interest beneficiary.
“...NEWS THAT WOULD LIKE NEXT FRIDAY OFF, IF IT’S NO TROUBLE.”
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U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service’s endangered species list. Sources close to the White House tell the Fish Rapper that while cast-netting for Japanese koi goldfish in the reflection pond, tournament anglers accidentally captured several dozen of the weird-looking amphibians. “It closely resembles the Clinton Chameleon (Presidentus wafflus),” says USFWS spokesman George Stopalotofuss. “However, unlike the Clinton, it doesn’t immediately change colors with every variance in the weather. Unfortunately,” he adds, “It’s that very lack of resilience which has put the Gingrich Newt on the endangered list.
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“To our knowledge, the reflection pond is the only habitat it has,” notes Stopalotofuss. “However, we are closing all of Washington, D.C. and neighboring states to any type of development so that there may be suitable habitat for the Gingrich Newt within a 500-mile radius.” All but two of the captured newts were reportedly used as live bait by tournament fishermen. The remaining pair is being kept in a posh, one-acre aquarium in the Senate chamber, where they feed daily on a strict diet of USDA legislative pork
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8/22/18 5:59 PM
by REAVIS “WALLABY DUNDEE” WORTHAM n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
GDAYMATEY, Texas—-In a scene from a 1970’s ecological disaster movie, Mother Nature has been defiled when a new pestilence was unleashed upon an unsuspecting country “I’ve been worried about this for years, and now it’s happened,” stated Cletus Yabos, rancher and part-time hunting guide. “I told those folks when they started those ostrich farms something like this would happen.” Ostrich farming became the Chinchilla Rush of the 1990s and ranches sprang up across the state. Inevitably, once tame ostriches have escaped from captivity during natural disasters such as tidal waves and the odd earthquake or two, and are now reproducing at an alarming rate in central Texas. Some ostriches were intentionally released when ranches failed due to a glut of
TERRORIZE CENTRAL TEXAS
ostrich feet on the oriental market. Grocers across the nation were also unprepared for such huge carcasses. None of the stores’ refrigerated cases could accommodate the huge birds or their eggs. Consumers admitted they had no idea how to roast such a large bird, and wives across the nation refused to cook with eggs larger than their own children. The now wild descendants of the original escaped ostriches are creating havoc with outdoor pursuits. Herds of ostriches with attitudes are terrorizing hunters who want nothing more than to hunt quail, deer and turkey without harassment from local wildlife. “Think about it,” said outdoorsman Dub Skagnatti. “You’re sitting against
a tree waiting for a turkey to walk by and two or three of those big ol’ things whops you in the top of the head with their beaks. It hurts.”
This Feral Ostrich chick may look like an innocent Emu, but it will take your leg off in the blink of an eye.
NOW THAT’S A SHALLOW-WATER BOAT! Since 1947
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Kenner Manufacturing Co., Inc., Knoxville, Arkansas 72845, (501) 885-3171 PAGE 6
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SUMMER 1997
Ostriches can weigh over one hundred pounds, and the huge legs are used as weapons in the wild. The drumsticks are considered a delicacy. Wildlife biologist Hack Long expresses still another concern. “They’re hard to kill out. A little old twelve gauge loaded with eights don’t do nothing but make ‘em mad. You don’t want to be anywhere near a mad ostrich. “Also after hunting such big birds for only one season, there are once-great wingshots who can’t hit a little bitty quail anymore. They’re a hazard any way you look at them.” Flushing a covey of ostrich is dangerous, also, Long stated. “I wish they wouldn’t do that. It scares the cold whey out of me every time. I’ve known men who’ve died when a dog points a covey of ostrich. The guys walk up there expecting a covey of quail to flush and, when those big birds jump up to run, they can cause heart attacks on folks with weak constitutions.” Stampeding ostriches have also severely trampled several hunters and dogs. Concerns have also been raised by professional dog breeders. Dozens of breeders report ruined bird dogs which have surfaced at field trials. Award winning bird dogs refuse to hunt again once they’ve encountered an ostrich. Said one dog breeder who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s pitiful to see an ostrich-scared dog. Bless their hearts. Their eyes are bugged out, they walk on their toes with their bellies sucked in, and their hair stands out all the time. They look like someone has washed them in the dishwasher.” In one incidence, a young pointer wandered amid a standing covey of ostriches, not realizing the legs belonged to giant birds. The dog apparently thought he was in a grove of skinny trees. When he lifted his leg on one, an ostrich whopped him on the head with his beak. The dog hasn’t been the same since and refuses to hike its leg any longer, drawing much ridicule from unaffected canines. “We hired a professional ostrich hunter out of Alabama not too long ago to clean them out,’ Long said. “But whenever he got to within twenty yards of a big covey they’d stick their heads in the sand and he lost them every time. These are wily birds.” One area around Stephenville is devoid of ostriches due to abnormally hard geological formations. The professional hunter found one area with twenty dead ostriches, all with broken necks. Long theorized the birds tried to bury their heads when the dogs came too close, but they broke their necks in the rocky ground. Ostriches have very long necks, easily broken when they try to jam them down into rocks, Long said. He said they couldn’t tell the difference between sand and sandstone. Ostriches are not native to Texas and there are no natural predators to help control the population. Long suggests hunters use large caliber rifles, nothing smaller than a 7mm Mag. Long prefers a .470 Nitro Express. “My Nitro will kill them deader than disco. Another bonus is when I get bored with hunting ostriches, I can also shoot a few prairie dogs.” There will be an Ostrich Stamp available for the 1997-98 hunting season.
PHOTO BY EMUS 4 SUCCESS 1-800-999-SUKR
ESCAPED OSTRICHES
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The National Fish Rapper™...
8/22/18 5:52 PM
Fishing Guides form Army, Declare Galveston Island a Sovereign Nation prohibited.
GALVESTON, TX—A well-armed militia of over 100 U.S. Coast Guard-licensed fishing guides has declared Galveston Island to be a sovereign nation. Calling themselves CIA-CAL (Cash In Advance-Catch A Limit), the infuriated bay pros stormed the Galveston Seawall early last week and within a matter of two hours had cordoned off the entire island with an 8-foot high fence constructed of 200-pound-test monofilament. According to an FBI source who insisted on anonymity, the militant maritime union is being backed with huge amounts of money by a clandestine international organization known as “ROAR” (Rape Our Aquatic Resources). “It appears,” said the source, “that these piscatorial pimps have finally gone over the deep end. Our intelligence sources tell us that the continually growing advertising rates in Texas Fish & Game magazine are the primary reason for their sudden insurgency.” A statement released by CIA-CAL spokesman Mike Leavelle, who in a recent coup took over the previous regime of long-time Galveston fishing pro Mickey Dwayne Frazier, indicates just how disgruntled the professional angling fraternity is with the behavior of Texas Fish & Game magazine, which was also overtaken by a coup in January of this year. The guides reportedly believe the 13-year-old company to be an oppressive agency of the State of Texas, which they also refuse to recognize. “Used to be we could buy a half-page ad for 50 bucks and never even have to pay for it,” Leavelle commented in the official CIA-CAL statement. “Then they started wanting $75 for a dinky little business card and, worse yet, quit running the damn thing if we didn’t pay up in less than six months. Now, they’ve upped it to $75.10, and they’ve quit giving away free hand-held GPS units for a 10-issue ad schedule. “We’ve had enough,” he continued. “If they plan on coming down here and shooting any of those stupid set-up photos of dead fish being held by half-naked exotic dancers, they’d best be prepared to get past us first.” The guides provided a 10-point list of demands, all of which, they say, must be met before they will discuss re-opening the island and its adjacent waters to the public. They are as follows:
PHOTO BY THE FBI CRIME LAB AND DRY CLEANING SERVICE
by LARRY “GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GET ME ANOTHER DRINK” BOZKA n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
Three unidentified soldiers in the CIA-CAL Guide Militia stand watch at the Galveston, Texas Causeway. The guide-Militiamen issued a list of bizzare demands in their coup, which went relatively unnoticed by local citizens and authorities.
4) Texas Fish & Game will cease and desist writing stories about individuals who own their own boats. Stories about fishing from piers and wade fishing from the bank or surf will also be expressly prohibited. 5) Live croakers will be produced in a newly constructed croaker hatchery to be operated by the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department and funded through a new “croaker stamp.” All croakers produced will be shipped directly to the CIA-CAL, and distribution to the public—if any— shall be determined by the organization. 6) The CIA-CAL demands diplomatic immunity to all members with regard to size limits, boat size and operation, speed limits, usage of regard to the usage of public boat ramps, driving under the regard to the usage of public boat ramps, speed limits, operating watercraft while under the influence of intoxicants and making threats to outdoor writers and non-CIA-CAL fishing guides. 7) The State of Texas will, by legislative mandate, provide a full-time, stateand federally-licensed on-retainer outdoor
writer to each and every member of the CIA-CAL. Said writer will not only record said guide’s fishing trips, but also fillet and package all fish, wash the guide’s boat, clean his tackle, do his grocery shopping and maintain a biographical journal of each guide’s life and adventures in order to ghost-write and produce his memoirs. All proceeds of said book shall go to the designated guide. 8) All fishing trips, in the interest of good health and sufficient sleep, shall begin no earlier than noon and conclude by no later than 2:00 p.m. Full-day rates will still apply. However, guides who wish to be exceptions to this rule shall be allowed to continue sleeping two hours each and every night from mid-March through mid-November without fear of being committed to a mental institution. 9) Guides shall be paid a minimum of $1,000 for any ad which they wish to place in outdoor publications. Furthermore, there will be a stipulated fee of no less than $250 for every time a guide’s name is mentioned in a story. The listing of a guide’s name without an accompanying address and phone number shall be strictly
10) It shall be expressly illegal for any member of the outdoor press, fulltime or otherwise, to own, operate or even think about running a boat. Violators will be taken hostage and, without anesthetic, body-pierced with wide-gap Mustad croaker hooks. Contacted by the Fish Rapper investigative staff, members of the Texas Rangers, Texas Parks & Wildlife Department Law Enforcement Division, Department of Public Safety, Galveston County Animal Control and the Galveston Island Police and Property Owners Association claimed no knowledge of the island take-over. Said an anonymous spokesman of a prominent enforcement agency, “We’re busy enough as it boarding up all the windows, chasing stray dogs and picking up those blasted Mardi Gras beads off the streets.” Texas Fish & Game Publisher Roy “No Comment” Neves, interviewed in his heavily guarded office on the second floor of the State Capitol Building, denied any link whatsoever between the privately-held outdoor publication and the State of Texas. “I feel their pain,” Neves commented. “The Governor and I both agree that the plight of the professional fishing guide is real. However,” he added, “the funds generated by nominal increases in classified advertising rates for coastal professionals have helped bring horse and greyhound racing to all Texans—not to mention, by the way, a significant increase in lap dancing, women’s mud wrestling and other tourism-oriented enterprises.” CIA-CAL operatives have established a compound and base of operations at Driftwood Marina on Tiki Island, just north of the Galveston Causeway off of I-45. They will continue to refuse any possibility of negotiations, they say, until their 10-point plan is completely adhered to and all privately-owned boats are removed from Galveston-area marinas and bait camps.
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1) Anyone wishing to fish the Galveston Bay System must receive prior written permission from the CIA-CAL. There will be no exceptions. Anyone found fishing on any shoreline or reef of the bay system without prior permission will be shot and used as crab trap bait. 2) Texas Fish & Game magazine will feature and spotlight each member of the CIA-CAL on the publication’s cover—all 147 of us. A feature story of no less than 2,000 words will also be contained within the same issue. (When reminded that the magazine publishes only 10 issues a year, Leavelle responded, “Hell, that’s their problem. Let ‘em make it a weekly.”) 3) Each story written by Texas Fish & Game will include complimentary endorsements of every manufacturer and sponsor claimed by the featured guide. Guides will have final approval on all copy and photos. “...THE CAL RIPKIN, JR. OF THE SLEAZY HATCHET JOURNALISM GAME.”
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Government Study Proves EMPHYSEMA SPRINGS, Virginia—A study commissioned by the Rabid Republican Congress has produced overwhelming evidence that not only do cigarettes pose no real medical threat, but that they actually promote physical health. The study, which was funded by a $750,000,000 grant from the American Fresh Air Institute (a Tobacco Industry lobbying group), was conducted on a group of sixteen upper Mongolian shepherds, the average age of which is 97—all of them 6-pack-a-day smokers. The shepherds were asked to fill out a 2 page questionnaire and were strongly admonished to answer all questions honestly, to insure complete scientific validity. Some of the shepherds reportedly had problems with the questionnaire, but were able to complete it once a helpful researcher showed them how to place the document right-side-up on the table in front of them (and after their enthrallment with the clicking of the ball point pens waned). The study found that each of the shepherds was in perfect health and, aside from a pronounced gurgling sound when they breathe, they look forward to many more years of robust vitality. While researchers admitted that the cigarettes the subjects smoked were not actually made with tobacco but with a mixture of pine bark and yak dung, they say that the study still confirms the healthful benefits of smoking.
“I wanna smoke like Mike!”
Winston
Billionaire NBA allstar Michael Jordan is just one of the celebrities to benefit from the newfound endorsement money unleased by cash-bloated Tobacco advertising budgets in the wake of Republican legislation relaxing anti-smoking restrictions.
AD COURTESY McMAHON AND TATE ADVERTISING, NY, NY
by ROY “SPONGE LUNGS” NEVES n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
“Finally, scientific research that once and for all refutes the barrage of misinformation that the American public has had to endure for the past 35 years,” said Tobacco Industry spokesman Knox S. Fumes. Fumes is president of The National Lung Foundation, a tobacco-funded think-tank in Washington D.C. He downplayed assertions that the study was flawed, assertions which stem primarily from the fact that it was conducted by a 5th grade science class. “You’re never going to see the tobacco industry—with its rich history as the backbone of American agriculture and its defining role in setting standards for ‘what’s cool’ in our culture—get a fair break,” Fumes fumed. “ We’ve been painted as the villain for so many years, what with all those frivolous lawsuits by deadbeat lung cancer victims who just weren’t tough enough to survive a real man’s habit. It’s not surprising that the asthmatic leftists in the media would nit-pick the first real scientific breakthrough to benefit mankind since the introduction of the menthol cigarette.” With the study results in hand, the arch-conservative Congress quickly passed legislation dismantling decades of Tobacco Industry regulation and limitations. Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, himself a 4 pack-a-day Kool smoker, was relieved by the news that an 80-pounds-overweight chainsmoking couch potato has the same health outlook as a marathon-running vegetarian. Invigorated by the news, the speaker fast-tracked the legislation, then took the rest of the day off.
Joe Camel Hit With Paternity
WINSTON-SALEM FILTERS, N. Carolina—Controversial tobacco icon Joe Camel was named in a paternity suit filed here by a woman claiming that he is the father of her 16-month-old son. The woman, Ginger Vitas, a waitress and aspiring cigarette assembly line worker, says that the offspring is the result of an overnight tryst with the suave cartoon character in the spring of 1995. Vitas allegedly met Mr. Camel at a club called The Filthy Ash Tray, a popular watering hole for cigarette industry workers in this tobacco dominated region. Camel was appearing at a promotional event, where free samples of the new Camel Extra Nicotine cigarettes were being handed out to Ash Tray patrons. “He was just so cool, so debonair. I couldn’t resist his charms”, said Ms. Vitas, as she gently poked the fresh tattoo on her forearm with the lit end of her Camel Filter, indicating that the thing itched. Meanwhile her son, Joe Jr., sat on her lap enjoying the side stream smoke she so generously shared with the toddler. Vitas said that the “smooth-
talking character” sidled up to her at the bar, where she and a co-worker were downing triple shots of grain alcohol. “He asked me if I wanted to see his tattoo. Of course, he laughed when I said it looked to me like he WAS a tattoo. “He kept pestering me and my friend Phlegmma, but in a suave, debonair sort of way. He ordered us more drinks, and even held the funnel for us. He was very persistent and, soon I was on the dance floor with him. He got mighty familiar, slipping those paper-thin fingers between the buttons on my blouse.” “He got me real drunk and took me home. He then smooth-talked his way into my bedroom and before I knew it we were doing all sorts of weird things. I mean, after all, he is a drawing of an animal! “The next morning, I was horrified to discover what I thought was a case of herpes. Luckily, it turned out just to be some nasty paper cuts. “There’s no question the kid is his,” Ms. Vitas says flatly. “Aside from the fact that Junior is a dead ringer for the guy, it’s been proven scientifically, or somethin’.”
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Proving paternity was difficult due to the fact that the suspected father is a fictional drawing, said Ms. Vitas’ attorney F. Lee Restrainingorder. “But we have conclusive Ink Tests.” This is not the first time Joe Camel’s racy lifestyle has created public relations nightmares for his employers at The Camel Cigarette Company. In 1990, he was arrested in a New York hotel suite along with fellow cartoon product icons Tony Tiger, Cap’n Crunch, The Keebler Elves and Pauly Shore. They were accused of luring a group of street prostitutes to the room, then torturing them with bizarre Acme power tools, such as the Acme Eye-Popper-Outer™. They completely destroyed the suite, leaving burned furniture, giant holes and disgusting ink stains everywhere. Donald Trump himself called police to turn them in, even though they were staying in the hotel as his guests and he had joined them earlier in the evening at the bar, singing filthy versions of their sponsors’ jingles. Camel pleaded “no contest” to the charges and was sentenced to 800 hours of community service, teaching proper smoking etiquette to junior high
Ginger Vitas, with son Joe Camel, Junior.
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FOUR COLOR
Cigarette Smoking Healthy Almost immediately, TV commercials, last seen on American broadcast networks in the early seventies, flooded the airwaves. The first execution, from Camel Filters, featured child actor McCauley Culkin singing and dancing with an animated Joe Camel, targeting the long-restricted under-18 market. With money to burn, other tobacco companies began signing up scores of celebrity and athlete endorsers, including a $6.2 billion deal for Michael Jordan to smoke Winstons on the court. “It’s great that we can now cross over into real sports for our endorsement deals... instead of just being stuck in the low-brow stock car racing circuit. We want real athletes, not just a bunch of traffic-jam jockies to sell our products,” said Winston CEO A.J. “Shorty” Winded. Gone are the “non-smoking” sections in restaurants and airports. Now when approaching a hostess, the question diners are greeted with is, “regular or menthol?” Also a thing of the past is the threat of litigation by smokers claiming that cigarettes had caused cancer, heart disease and other serious illnesses. By signing a pact with the government earlier in the year to pay $50 Trillion in “fees”, the tobacco industry effectively bought off its most serious threat at a cost that will only force them to raise the average price of cigarettes by $3 per pack. Analysts doubt that this increase in price will have any impact on sales. “And if their volume does drop, all they have to do is increase nicotine levels and sales will
rise accordingly,” analyst Ken Serisk added. “This is the true miracle of America. It’s positively amazing what can be accomplished on the foundation of just a little clear-headed scientific evidence, coupled with the billions and billions of dollars the tobacco industry has to work with, thanks to the support of the loyal consumers who continued to buy their product, despite government warnings and skyrocketing prices,” said the Fresh Air Institute’s Mr. Fumes. One such consumer, Emily Phezema of Hacking Cough, New Jersey said she was thrilled by the news. “I... am... just... so... happy... it... brings... tears... to... my... eyes... ,” the 68-pound former beauty queen said, between alternating puffs from the footlong Virginia Slim in her orange fingers and the oxygen bottle at her side. Phezema said she was prepared to sell her house in order to pay the higher price of cigarettes, which have become the most important things in her life, since losing her modeling career to wrinkles even the most talented special effects artists could not spackle away.
The 28-year-old Phezema remains upbeat, though, and thanks to the new findings, will enjoy the remaining months of her life with unrestricted access to her beloved tobacco and its sublime byprod-
ucts of stained teeth, stale odors and ever-increasing mucous production.
!
ACADEMY SOLVES HANDICAP PARKING PROBLEM KATY COURIC, Texas—Frustrated by their customers’ total disregard for the brightly identified Handicap Parking spaces located at the front doors to their 500 or so stores, The Academy Corporation has taken decisive action. “No matter how clearly we marked ‘em as handicap spaces, with that little crippleguy-in-the-wheelchair symbol and threats of prosecution, we still had burly two-legged, upright-walking guys wheeling into the spaces so they could get to whatever hot new fishing lure we had on sale (at the guaranteed lowest price) in a hurry,” said Academy Vice President of Humane Treatment, Angelface Jerome “A.J.” Blanchard. Blanchard said that his store’s disabled—or the more politically correct “shop-
ping challenged”—customers were constantly finding their prime spaces filled, and were becoming quite a nuisance to his office with their complaining. Academy decided to take measures to discourage able-bodied but lazy shoppers from parking in the store-front spaces. They have moved the handicap spaces to the farthest corners of their lots, in the most inaccessible locations possible. Since the move, Blanchard reports that all handicap spaces have remained totally empty. However, sales of aerobic walkers have fallen off dramatically.
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Suit
students. “We stand firmly behind Mr. Camel regarding these ludicrous charges brought against him by an obviously deranged woman,” said Johnny Carcinoma, spokesman for the cigarette manufacturer. “Sure, Joe is a fun-loving, ‘smooth character,’ but he’s got a serious side, too. He volunteers his time to visit people in lung cancer wards all over the country, handing out free samples and such. He’s a prince.” “While I understand how this Ginger Vitas woman would fall for a guy like Joe, I doubt seriously that there’s any truth to the wild story about their supposed affair. And even if it is true, if she didn’t use birth control, well... just shows you how responsible a citizen she is. I’m confident our attorneys, some of the most brilliant minds that billion-dollar retainers can provide, will have no trouble defending Mr. Camel’s reputation against a trailer-park floozy and her night-school lawyer. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that Joe doesn’t like kids, the spokesman added, “You ought to see how he is with the little tykes. They really look up to him.
! “...AS AMERICAN AS CALLING IN SICK.”
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DISCO ’N FISHIN’ WEEKEND 1979: MUSIC SUPERSTARS RE-LIVE THE MAGIC
by WENDY “GROUPIE DISCOUNT” KIPFMILLER n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
PEOPLE VILLAGE, Michigan—To hear one member tell it, you would think the whole event was a pathetic charade, an excuse for Gibb to rake in thousands. The Andy Gibb Disco ‘N Fishin’ Weekend, took place in Umptyscrunch Lake, the infamous “Fishing Hole of the Stars.” The attendees came from all areas of the country, some being celebrities and others winning tickets from the entry form printed on the label on a jar of Metamucil. Avid fisherman, Chiclet McSnixon recalls booking his Disco ‘N Fishin’ Weekend with frantic anticipation. “You take
“We tried to save time, wearing our platforms and bellbottoms on the boat” a full day of hardcore fishin’ and then cap it off with a night of shadow dancin’it’s like peanut butter and jelly- meant to go together.” But it didn’t work out that way, according to Johnny Cash, who also attended the 2-day event. “Andy wanted the fishing & dancing in 1 hour intervals. Everything was wasted in prep time, whether it was baiting hooks or applying lip gloss. “The whole thing smacked of chaos,” Cash remembers, “That first morning we set out, Andy kept hitting on our wives, singing I Just Want To Be Your Everything.” “That was bad enough, but when he started dancing in the boat with those wooden clogs, the fish were outta there.” Merlin Olsen sums it up as a miscommunication and lack of organization, “We tried to save time by wearing our platform shoes and bellbottoms on the boat, but it’s all about priorities,” he states. “Lookin’ back, we’re all sad that Andy’s gone now, but we don’t think he took the fishing seriously enough,” Olsen said in closing. Ted Nugent, wearing PAGE 10
97 Fish Rapper.indd 10
Heavy Metal rocker Ted Nugent, himself a refugee of the Disco Craze, tells his story to a 12-step recovery group for Disco survivors .
Party-boatin’ Down on the “Disco Ball I” are Pee Wee Herman, Alice Cooper, Tom Petty and host Andy Gibb, as well as two unidentified members of The Village People.
his faded cap from the event tells his tale of the weekend, stating, “By the time we got the boat packed, set out and dropped anchor, Andy was ready to dance again.” n
Nugent further explained, “We all talked about it afterwards and decided, it wasn’t the money Gibb was after, it was just his stab in the dark attempt to make some new
SUMMER 1997
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friends and show off.”
! The National Fish Rapper...
8/22/18 5:52 PM
‘Michael Jackson Outdoors’ to Debut on MTV
by THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS “LARRY BOZKA” n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
NEVERLAND, Calif.—Pop superstar Michael Jackson has reportedly signed a one-year contract with the MTV music network to host a new fishing and hunting show called “Michael Jackson Outdoors.” Said MJO spokesperson Pakka Lize, “This unique new program will mix Michael’s wonderful music with his heretofore-unknown love of fishing, hunting and beaver trapping. It’ll also give us a chance to take away some of the market share from all those narrow-minded rednecks on TNN’s Saturday-morning fishing show line-up. It’s high time,” she added, “that the real men of the outdoors come out of the closet and claim their rightful places. “We’re kicking off the show pilot in concurrence with National Take A Kid Fishing Week,” Lize told the Fish Rapper. “Michael is taking six lucky kids on an exclusive and very private frog-gigging trip to the untamed swamps of Southeast Louisiana, where they will spend three days camped out on a remote island in the Atchafalaya River Basin.” In a prepared statement, the superstar singer expressed his intense love of both the out-of-doors and young boys. “Kids like these need a role model,” he said. “I can’t do much about that. But,” he added, “they also need to know that there’s much more to life than lying around in a hyperbaric chamber, collecting skeletons, grabbing your crotch and singing like a girl.” According to the statement, MJO episode number two will feature Michael and close friend Elizabeth Taylor on an action-packed swamp rabbit hunt in the Lower Mississippi River Delta. An avid bunny buster, Taylor has promised to bring along her legendary pack of hunting beagles. Jackson also has plans for a special “Luau” program to be conducted at the end of the 13-show season with actress Brooke Shields. The weekend spearfishing trip on the shores of the South Pacific’s “Blue Lagoon” will conclude with Jackson bagging a 350-pound island boar hog with a wooden spear. “Michael Jackson Outdoors” will reportedly be co-hosted by Bubbles the Chimp.
Angler/Pop Icon Michael Jackson (left) rehearses the opening number for his new MTV Fishing Show, he will be joined by Michael Jackson, Jr (right).
CORRECTION: The photo at left erroneously was identified as Michael Jackson. The person in the photo is actually La Toya Jackson. The Fish Rapper regrets the error.
FUNCTIONAL Fashionable . . . y s a t n Fa
! “...WE COVER THE NEWS LIKE RUSH LIMBAUGH’S SHADOW COVERS A CITY BLOCK.”
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MONDAY 4:30 AM
(ESPN) ANGLIN’ WITH TORI SPELLING (Fishing Show)—Actress Tori Spelling goes fishing in the LA river for mutant carp. 7:00 PM (NBC) JEFF FOXWORTHY (Comedy)—Jeff finds out he really is a Redneck, when a black family moves in next door and he is arrested for burning a cross in their front yard. 7:30 PM (FOX) TORI! TORI! TORI!—(TV Movie) Actress Tori Spelling single-handedly attacks the U.S. Naval Base at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, unwittingly stirring “a sleeping giant” (Don Ho). 8:30 PM (HBO) RAMBO PART III.B (Movie)—Rambo returns to North Vietnam on another suicide rescue mission. This time he’s trying to save American POWs who are working in a Nike manufacturing plant for 63¢ a day.
Bassin’™ with the Baldwin Brothers: Enjoy action-packed adventure with superstar actor/angler brothers Alec, William, Steven, Daniel and Ray “Scott” Baldwin. Sundays at 6 am on TNN (Bassin’™ is a registered trademark of Gnatcom Publications, publishers of such other fine magazines as Fishin’™, Pickin’™, Grinnin’™, Drankin’™, Belchin’™ and Hurlin’™).
9:00 PM (NBC) DATELINE MONDAY (News)—Jane Pauley and Stone Phillips go undercover as honeymooners at a sleazy motel in Niagra
PHOTO BY—this is a tough one: Daniel, by David Stoltz, William by Spike Nannarello, both thanx to Shooting Star®, Hollywood, Calif. The rest obtained by the usual methods)
T.V. LOG Falls, to expose the use of substandard bath towels.
What’s all the talk about?
TUESDAY 7:30 PM ABC) ELLEN (Comedy)—After recently “coming out” as a lesbian in a nothing-to-lose bid to improve her show’s dismal ratings, Ellen finds that she may have made a terrible mistake when she encounters the charms of pro angler and heart-throb Bill Dance. 9:00 PM (NBC) DATELINE TUESDAY (News)—Jane Pauley and Stone Phillips go undercover as parties to an ugly divorce case. Pauley’s husband Garry Trudeau also appears. 10:30 PM (CH 36) LEAVE IT TO BEAVER (Rerun)— Beaver’s and Whitey’s innocent phone prank results in Eddie Haskell being elected Mayfield County Coroner.
Even the bass wear ‘em!
WEDNESDAY 10:30 AM (CH 20) RAPPIN’ WITH TORI—Daytime talk show. 7:30 PM (NBC) SUDDENLY SUSAN (Comedy)— Brooke Shields is shocked to discover that her lame excuse for a sit-com is Suddenly Canceled. 8:30 PM (DSC) WILD DISCOVERY (Documentary)— Host Cleveland Amory leads a group of animal rights activists into the Sam Houston National Forest on the opening day of deer season. No animals are hurt during the taping; however, 27 bowhunters are hospitalized after being sprayed with pepper gas. 9:00 PM (NBC) DATELINE WEDNESDAY (News)— Jane Pauley and Stone Phillips go undercover as illicit lovers trying to hire a hit man to kill her husband.
THURSDAY 11:30 AM (CBS) DAYS OF OUR WIVES (Daytime Drama)—Brooke discovers that Ridge has been sleeping with Meadow, and plots revenge. River gets wind of her plans and, with the help of Rock and Stone, raises enough money to have Brooke hit. Thorne comes out of the closet, but goes back in when his ex-lover, Cloud, unexpectedly walks into his bedroom. Helen goes to a therapist to learn why everyone she knows has such a weird name. 7:00 PM (LIFE) UNSOLVED MYSTERIES (Tabloid
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SUMMER 1997
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The National Fish Rapper™...
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FOUR COLOR TV)— Two Lake Fork anglers are, without their knowledge, videotaped while fishing with Helicopter Lures. Each catches a largemouth bass in excess of 10 pounds. 7:30 PM
would like to say
(SCI-FI) SIGHTINGS (Science Fiction)—Scientists investigate discovery of Lost City of Atlantis on the bottom of Lake Sam Rayburn. Legendary bass guide and Piney Woods archaeologist Will Kirkpatrick hosts, and leads the “Sightings” team on a search for the “Lost Flight” — a second-flight team of bass tournament fishermen who disappeared without a trace during the ‘81 Rayburn Big Bass Classic. Kirkpatrick also explains how he modified his 20-foot Boston Whaler so that it would carry twin torpedo tubes. 8:00 PM (A&E) BIOGRAPHY (Documentary)—The Life and Times of Barry St. Clair. A&E presents a gripping chronological portrait of the crappie fisherman from Klondike who, with nothing more than a 2-inch-long live minnow, captured the long-standing Texas state record largemouth bass of 18.18 pounds from Lake Fork.
To all of our Sponsors... PARKS
9:00 PM (NBC) DATELINE THURSDAY (News)—Jane Pauley and Stone Phillips go undercover as suspects in a crime-of-passion murder.
FRIDAY
ALLSTAR
Graphite Rods
D.O.A. The Unfair Advantage
6:30 PM (ABC) AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS (Comedy)—Special Theme: TV Fishing Show Bloopers. Hilarious moments, such as Jimmy Houston mistaking nitro funny car fuel for ordinary outboard gas and plunging out of the hole with such force that his cheeks flap him unconscious.
Fish Rapper is dedicated to raising funds for the Future Fisherman’s Foundation, a non-profit organization for the promotion of fishing tro America’s youth
D.O.A. LURESWANTS TO KNOW...
7:00 PM (FOX) POLTERGEIST: THE LEGACY (Horror) —Derek’s life is threatened when he is forced to intervene between a pair of adversarial female anglers during a Bass ‘N Gal tournament. Sugar Ferris guest-stars as the enraged demon from hell who ultimately steps in and saves Derek from certain death. 9:00 PM (NBC) DATELINE FRIDAY (News)—Jane Pauley and Stone Phillips go undercover as inmates in a maximum security prison.
Do you know where your excise Tax $$ are going?
SATURDAY 7:30 PM (CBS) TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL (Drama)— Monica tries to bring the truth to an aging television fishing show host but, for the first time in her angelic career, fails miserably. In retaliation, she starts her own fishing show and uses her powers to make 10-pound-plus largemouth bite on every cast. Special guest Jerry Dean stars as the Angel of Death.
Hi Bro! I’m Mr. Wallop
8:30 PM (FAM) RESCUE 911 (Docudrama)—Fayette County Lake bass fishermen run out of live waterdogs; Lake Fork angler fillets under-theslot largemouth at marina and is bludgeoned to death by irate bass clubbers; Aransas Bay fisherman loses $50 worth of live croakers to faulty aeration system. 9:00 PM (NBC) DATELINE SATURDAY (News)—Jane Pauley and Stone Phillips go undercover as condemned killers awaiting execution on Florida’s Death Row.
SUNDAY 7:30 PM (FOX) KING OF THE HILL (Cartoon Comedy)—Hank Hill unexpectedly runs into Beavis and Butthead at local convenience store, takes them hostage and locks the duo in his garage with the engine of his truck running. Hill then finishes the job with a half-dozen tanks of propane and a kitchen match. Emboldened by his act, he phones in a bomb threat to the MTV studios. 8:30 PM (FAM) RESCUE 811—Bloated has-been actor William Shatner hosts this reality-based show which dramatizes actual cases of emergency calls made by morons (calling the wrong number). 9:00 PM (NBC) DATELINE SUNDAY (News)—New hosts Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters explore the growing crime rate among television journalists.
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n this top secret cloak & dagger investigation, Nark Mickols & Jarold-O dig deep to find where your excise dollars are being spent! After realizing the government can no longer hide excise spending, Janet Remo turns over top secret excise tax info to get Newt Gangrene (the one who gave the cute little amphibians a bad name) off her back. q
• • • • •
Changing water in bowl ............$3.2 million Cost of bowl ..............................$36 million Cost of Government staff to maintain bowl (30 full time employees)... $92 million after taxes Chemicals for maintaining water$7.9 million Food ............................... White House Staff
“...NEWS THAT SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT A NIGHT WHEN THEY BROUGHT OUT THE BOTTLE OF CUCUMBER EVERCLEAR.”
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The ‘fix’ is in... the live well!
SCANDAL ROCKS PRO FISHING by REAVIS “INSIDE DOPE” WORTHAM n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
LAKE FORK, Texas—-The fishing industry was stunned last month to learn of a conspiracy recently uncovered in television fishing programs and on the professional fishing circuit. The collusion was brought to light by the infamous British gonzo reporter, Reeves Worthingham, during an expose of fishing programming on television. This first time publication of the results of his investigation, sent to Fish Rapper editor Larry “Spare Me The Details” Bozka soon after this sinister conspiracy was confirmed, is expected to rock the fishing world. According to officials, there is a television coven designed to dupe every fisherman who tunes in to broadcast programming. Fearing for his life, Worthingham went underground when he initially became suspicious while watching a nationally syndicated fishing program. After carefully reviewing a pre-recorded videotape, a team of researchers wearing white lab coats and drinking light beer came to the realization television pisculators were catching ringers. They are using PROFESSIONAL FISH. This possibly illegal activity could extend into other areas as well, including tournament competitions and magazine photographers. “It’s possibly illegal,” Bob Belcher, self proclaimed authority on everything, said. According to Worthingham, throughout the country slimy talent scouts in bad sports jackets are combing this nation’s lakes in search of photogenic bass to appear in various fishing programs and, he believes, on the covers of outdoor magazines as well. Undercover fish investigator Will E. Hookem, agreed in a recent interview. “These professional fish are hired at enormously inflated salaries. It has been con-
What’s wrong with this picture? Notice the glazed, almost bored look in the bass’ eyes... the perfect splash, perfect lighting. No way that guy caught this wall-mounter in a fair contest. Obviously an elaborate setup involving the angler, photographer and—most importantly— the fish.
firmed by my staff that at least one twelvepound bass is in possession of a contract guaranteeing all the grasshoppers, shad and salamanders she can eat for life” They (the fish) are released into the target lake an hour or so before the program begins taping. According to reliable sources, the Pro-
fessional Fish on any particular shoot is instructed to meet the competitors or the Television Fishing Personality at a pre-determined location. These Ringers then follow the boat all over the lake, sometimes at speeds up to sixty miles an hour when the angler forgets they’re following him and opens up his big 150. The fish arrive,
‘REPUBLIC OF TEXAS FISH & GAME’ SHOWS OFF NEW COMPOUND by LARRY “YOU DON’T SCARE ME” BOZKA n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
PASSING WINDS, Texas—Due to continuing threats by the public and a relentless onslaught of libel lawsuits, Texas Fish & Game Publishing Co. has now changed its name to “The Republic of Texas Fish & Game” and is currently constructing an extensive compound on a remote location in Deep South Texas. Granted an exclusive on this breaking story, a select group of reporters were allowed access to the compound and spoke with ROTF&G attorney Pat Riot. “Problem with these spineless liberal pantywaists is that they think everything we print ought to be the truth,” Riot reportedly told the group. “Hell, this is America! We have the right to free speech, and with it the right to lie anytime we see fit. If it’s good enough for Bill Clinton and Congress,” he said, “then it ought to be good enough for us.” Reporters were allowed a brief tour of the compound, where they viewed the
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Main building of the new Republic of Texas Fish & Game compound.
ROTF&G Armory and its massive cache of sawed-off .177 caliber air rifles. “You can run out of bullets,” said Riot, “but you can’t run out of air. And we have enough pellets in this place to poison every duck in North America.” Also viewed during the tour was the ROTF&G printing plant, where activists not only print the radical center-wing
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outdoor publication Texas Fish & Game, but also millions of dollars in counterfeit $3 bills every week. “When Washington starts telling the truth, so will we,” Riot concluded. “Until then, anybody and anything is fair game.”
SUMMER 1997
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gasping for water. Once they’ve rested, they bully the native fish into submission so they won’t strike the lure and ruin the program or contest by getting caught. The native fish are probably nonunion, Hookem said. In the event a non-union fish is caught, the Superstar Angler determines the smaller fish to be detrimental to the gene pool and is subsequently removed to a holding tank of hot peanut oil. “It’s fish eat fish down there,” said an unnamed source. The Professional Fish are caught over and over again, but they never wind up in the skillet. They are released in the somewhat murky eclectic pursuit of catch and release. It has been suggested by some, the Catch and Release movement began with these Professional Fish. The difficulty in identification arises because all large bass are virtually identical to everyone except their own species. The same bass can be caught again and again without anyone “catching” on. Sam Bass, an admitted Professional Fish who is now in much demand as an after dinner speaker and at sports shows across the country, agreed. “We all look alike. I know a few of the guys who’ve talked about getting a tag, or a tattoo just to be different, but no one has tried that yet. You know, some of us would like to make an individual name for ourselves in this world, like the television personalities who haul us in. At least we won’t make that irritating hysterical giggle they always use when one of us is caught.” Fishermen across the state are realizing why they haven’t boated such whoppers on a regular basis like the Super-Anglers. They simply can’t afford the enormous salaries demanded by Pro Fish.
! The National Fish Rapper™...
8/22/18 5:52 PM
HUNTIN’ & FISHIN’ by ROY “OUIJA BORED” NEVES n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
H
istory’s most prolific prognosticator, the great 16th century clairvoyant Nostradamus, has been credited with an uncanny string of accurate predictions over the centuries. In 1514, he wrote a 10th grade term paper in which he accurately described the American Civil War. In Junior College in 1518, while taking a sociology essay exam, Nostradamus wrote a chilling account of the Nazi Third Reich, even including such details as Hitler’s stupid little moustache. In 1528, while completing a report on the Simmons contract for his boss, Mr. Flanders, he predicted the invention of Q-Tips. Other predictions include the assasinations of both John and Robert Kennedy, as well as the August 26, 1993 bar tab of Senator Ted Kennedy. He also foretold man’s landing on the moon, although he said the feat would be accomplished in the year 1824 using a catapult three miles long. Now, historians at The Ted Turner Institute of Hi-er Learning have uncovered new writings of Nostradamus that contain amazing forecasts for best hunting and fishing times through the ages. The writings, mailed from a West Paris Ramada Inn in 1564, arrived at the Turner Institute three weeks ago, with $752 million postage due. The writings had apparently been mailed Second-Class, but had languished in a New Jersey post office for several centuries because Nostradamus had failed to put a hyphen between “Second” and “Class” on the outside of the envelope. Post Master General Dan Quayle declined comment for this story. Ike Turner, brother of the Institute’s founder and leader of the team of scholars studying the papers, says that they appear to be authentic, despite several entries in the original manuscript that appear to have been typed with an IBM Selectric, as well as liberal use of Liquid Paper®. Excerpted from the amazing papers are the following forecasts: September-October, 1997—Good redfish and speckled trout action will occur in the lower coastal regions of the New World. Anglers are forewarned however of the probability of firestorms from the skies and a hideous death in the jaws of giant sea monsters unleashed from their ocean-floor prisons by massive quakes of the earth. November-December, 1997—The bassin’ will pick up along the New World’s eastern seaboard, but beware!—so will a deadly plague, which causes its victims to writhe in excruciating pain and their ears to fall off. January-February, 1998—Expect a
better than usual deer season all across the New World. That is, until a great famine wipes out three-fourths of the deer herd and a good many camouflage manufacturers. March-April, 1998—The attention once again turns to freshwater angling, as a new world-record largemouth bass is caught in a region of the New World known as Lake Fork. Sadly, the trophy fish will become possessed by the spirit of
Satan and will devour its captor, then terrorize the nearby metropolitan area for weeks. May-June, 1998— Saltwater fishing will be slow in all coastal regions of the New World. But beware of the untrue promises of “hot action” put forth by false prophets who will call themselves “saltwater guides.”
“...AS INTELLECTUALLY STIMULATING AS ONE OF STEVEN SEGAL‘S CINEMATIC THOUGHT-FESTS.”
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SELF PORTRAIT BY NOSTRADAMUS
FORECAST
July-August, 1998—All outdoor activity will come to a complete standstill, as all of the outdoors will cease to exist.
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FOUR COLOR
by REAVIS “CALAMINE LIPS” WORTHAM n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
BEAUMONT, Texas—-They’ve sent adults running and screaming for shelter, abandoning the barbecue and coolers of beer. They hum tuneless little highpitched songs no one can understand. They’ve been known to bite people so severely around the face area their heads have swollen to the size of waterbuckets. And now they’ve become so aggressive, they’ve killed. Researchers with a lot of pens in their pockets say record rains have unleashed millions of the little buggers along the Texas gulf coast this year. And while the common mosquito is an itchy pest, a new scourge has arrived with the ferocity of Roseanne Barr attacking the Snickers delivery man. Those same researchers, with even more pens in their pockets, say the mosquitoes have mated with African Killer bees to produce offspring so aggressive humans have died from their combination of bites and stings. “They weigh about a half-ounce apiece and kill from both ends,” said Dr. D. Lerious, an entomologist at Texas A&M University. “As a larger threat they swarm in clouds consisting of hundreds of thousands of insects.” Several people have recently died from their attacks. The most bizarre case was a discovery this spring by Beaumont police.
What was first thought to be a five hundred- year-old mummy found in a grove of old growth hardwoods near the Texas/ Louisiana border, turned out to be the drained husk of a spring turkey hunter. “There was nothing left of that boy but camouflage and dried skin stretched over the bones,” said Dr. Lerious. “Every square inch of his body contained over a thousand mosquito bites. They sucked every drop of juice out of him before he could get away. All around him were these little straws. It was horrible.” The tiny straws are used to extend the insect’s proboscis and penetrate deeper into the juiciest portions of the victim’s body. Outdoor enthusiasts are being warned to avoid low-lying areas where the mosquitoes live and breed in low-income housing. There are two dangers. Whenever outside, entomologists urge everyone to keep moving and watch for insect clouds emitting a whine which sounds surprising like Prince’s last album. Second, if a cloud of mutant mosquitoes is encountered, don’t annoy them, especially with any bad joke using the word “redneck.” Back away slowly and don’t make eye contact. The stings of these aggressive insects are extremely painful, and could prove fatal. “Offer them money or an easier victim, say, your mother-in-law or maybe even an overweight guy in a Speedo,” said Dr. Lerious. Lerious suggests carrying a pint or two of whole blood to use as a delaying tactic until you can escape. “Throw it like
PHOTO BY NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC PHOTOGRAPHER ZACH “SACK LUNCH” LYNCH
KILLER MOSQUITOES ATTACK TEXAS COAST
Entomologists Milo N. Sephalitus and Mae Laria flee an attacking swarm of Killer Mosquitoes. The ex-husband and wife research team was studying the insects near Orange Glow, Texas when they angered them by making anti-mosquito remarks. The researchers were hospitalized with golfball-sized whelps over 98% of their bodies.
a water bomb and run like hell.” Preventative measures such as bathing in Off and ingesting 100% Deet for a period of two months before going outside have been considered. One unfortunate side effect of both prevention measures is the tendency for important body parts tend to fall off. Officials say forget citronella. “They like that little flame,” said Davy “Bugs” Nelson, insect inspector for the city of Beaumont. “It makes them think of a can-
dlelight dinner. They eat the stuff as an appetizer and will still bite you. I know one boy who climbed out of his swimming pool and before he could get into the house they attacked. He scratched himself to death. Well, he had help from his dog who was an expert scratcher and maybe the dog did most of the damage. I don’t know. I just heard about it. Forget that last part, it may not have really happened.” City officials have considered the eradication of the scourge by several sources such as napalm or low-yield nuclear weapons. “We’re having trouble getting approval, though,” Nelson admitted.
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PHOTO COURTESY THE CROTCHITY HAVEN PROPERTY OWNERS ASSOC.
Gingrich Begins Repaying Dole Debt, Ahead of Schedule CROTCHITY HAVEN, Fla.—Having second thoughts about his unsecured loan to Newt Gingrich to help the Speaker of the House bail himself out of ethics violations, Bob Dole recently announced a plan to enable Gingrich to begin paying off the debt sooner than initially planned. “Bob Dole got to looking around, and realized he had a lot of chores piling up around the old retirement homestead,” said Dole. The comprehensive debt reduction measure includes regular mowing and landscaping of Dole’s retirement home lawn, as well as helping the former Senate Majority Leader build a 12-foot-high fence to block his neighbor Irving Megahertz’ view of the lake. Dole and Megahertz have been feuding since shortly after Dole moved to the development and Megahertz reported Dole’s pet toy poodle’s incessant barking to the property owners association. The Congressional Budget Office estimates that at local market labor rates, the Speaker will have his debt completely worked off by Bob Dole, who loaned Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich $300,000 recently to help Gingrich make payoffs to the year 2045.
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key Ethics Committee investigators, confers with his former Congressional colleague on a “new domestic issue.”
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FOUR COLOR
Dennis Rodman, Pat Boone team up for movie by ROY “RAINBOW HEAD” NEVES n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
HOLLYWOOD PITS, Calif.—“The New Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,” starring Dennis “The Worm” Rodman and hot new heavy-metal rock sensation Pat “The Church Rat” Boone, started principle filming here last week. Rodman plays an undercover parking garage security cop who battles corrupt parking along with his steel-toed Hushpuppy-wearing partner, played by Boone. “This is a departure for me,” says the reserved Rodman, “I play a loudmouthed badass who uses his boot heels first and asks questions later. It’s nothing like the part I played in my last film, that of Father O’Malley in ‘Babes in Boys Town.’ I really had to bone up for this part, hanging out with real-life thugs, like Mickey Rourke, Sean Penn and Roseanne, and copying down phrases from public restroom walls—to color up my vocabulary.” Rodman, cross-dressing star of the World Champion Chicago Bulls and a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, has recently crossed artistic boundaries again by proving immense talents as an Oscar-nominated actor, to complement his athletic and writing skills. Next he plans to become either a double-ought spy or a brain surgeon. Boone, who gained fame in the 1950s as a teen idol with such sugary hit songs as “Bubble Gum Inflammation,” “Mary Lou’s Gym Socks,” and the classic “How Much is That Inflatable Stewardess In The Window,” recently launched a new career path with the release of a “Heavy Metal” CD. He has also toured as opening act for the bands Metalica and Stained Underwear. Wearing a tattoo on his forehead proclaiming himself to be the “Sunday School Geek from Hell,” Boone attempted to shake his social security image—and get attention in an entertainment category that yawns at the outlandish—by biting the head off a live member of the group Up
With People. The attempt failed when the group member began squealing in pain, and fifty of his fellow singers stormed the stage and ripped out Boone’s freshly-pierced nipple rings. Boone was hospitalized for several weeks, but soon returned to the Heavy Metal tour. These antics got the attention of action movie producer Jean-Claude Van Dammit, who was casting the roles for his new picture. Van Dammit is not only responsible for starting the action movie careers of Arnold Swartznegger, Steven Seagal and Meryl Streep, he has also helped a number of older, washed up actors “reinvent” themselves into action stars: John Travolta, in “Saturday Night Hemorrhagic Fever”; George Hamilton in “Killer Tan”; and Jack Lemmon/Walter Matthau in “Grumpy Old Assassins.” “The teaming up of Rodman and
The “Bad Boy Dream Team” of Dennis Rodman and Pat Boone began filming their epic action movie last week.
Boone is brilliant,” says film critic Gene Siskell, the thin, sissy half of the ‘Siskell and Ebert’ film critic team. “I just love that wild, out of control Rodman and, well, who HASN’T had a crush on Pat Boone since junior high!”
The film is scheduled to open December 15, or when Rodman’s current 82-game N.B.A. suspension ends, whichever comes first.
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Daiwa SeeLine. So You Can See What You’ve Been Missing.
Fish ‘Rapper’ Sues Fish Rapper
In late-breaking news, this celebrated publication has become the target of a lawsuit brought by 22-year old musician Snook Diggedy Dog, who claims to be the original “Fish Rapper.” In his petition to the court, Diggedy Dog asserts that the “Fish Rapper” threatens his reputation. That, from the man who brought us such songs as Just Close Them Goggle Eyes and Hum, and Pull My Finger Mullet. Prior to his transition into rap music, Snook’s credits included a starring role in the contemporary musical, Pogey and Bess. He also had limited success with an investigative documentary entitled, Sheepshead: Bo Peep’s Brush With Beastiality. His latest album, High on Cracked Crab, is a collaborative effort with up-and-comer D-BOB (aka Dead Bait On Bottom). The Fish Rapper’s law firm, Dewey, Forkam and Howe, denied any wrongdoing.
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! “...PROOF THAT ILLITERACY CAN’T BE ALL THAT BAD.”
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THE DALLAS COWBOYS CRIME REPORT
THIS WEEK’S RECAP OF Dallas Cowboys Police Blotter Action is brought to you by Jerry McGuire Bail Bonds. Remember, when you get run in on trumped up charges, we’ll “Show You The Haebeus Corpus.”
HERE’S WHAT’S GOING DOWN: Wide Receiver Michael Earring was booked on seven counts of possession of a controlled substance, namely Prescription Strength Listerine, which he is alleged to have conspired to transport across state lines to deliver to a co-conspirator in Spleenectomy, NY. Court documents further allege that Earring and his unnamed co-conspirator intended to dilute their pure Listerine into over-the-counter strength packages they would then try to sell to Eckerd managers up and down the Eastern Seaboard. n
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Offensive Lineman Tub Bellard was arrested on three counts of assault with a deadly weapon, namely his size 80 waistline. He is accused of sloshing it in the direction of the lawfirm of Hennessy, Shaunessy and Loonessy as the three of them exited an elevator in a swank downtown Dallas office building. All three were thrown at least 40 feet by the impact.
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Hennessy suffered contusions and a gash above his left eye when he crashed through the plate glass window of a travel agency/tattoo parlor in the lobby of the crowded office building. Shaunessy slid across the waxed lobby floor and was halted by the automatic revolving door, which clamped shut on his neck and head, with a sickening crunch not unlike that of an oyster being pried open. Loonessy struck his head on the lobby cappuccino stand, causing severe amnesia. Thinking himself to be opera singer Beverly Sills, he began singing an aria at the top of his lungs, actually setting off a chain reaction of broken lightbulbs before police were able to subdue him. n
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Running Back Eminent Smack was charged with 8 counts of armed robbery by Fort Worthless, Texas detectives who had followed the All-Pro running back the entire off-season. Smack’s M.O. (outdated policespeak for his daily criminal routine, not counting meals and paperwork) was to approach individuals who had played on defensive teams in games against the Cowboys in the past year and pull a small caliber revolver on them before they had time to react. He would then tie them up with “Police Line Do Not Cross” ribbon (available from any card and party shop)and take their wallets. When asked if the crimes had
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anything to do with retribution for the brutal tackles defenders inflicted on Smack during the season, he simply said, “Nah. I’d just wake up some mornings and think to myself, ‘I’d sure like to roll somebody today’. It was just luck that I chose people who had hit me in a game.” n
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Quarterback Toy Achybrakyheart was arrested for indecent exposure when he was discovered wandering naked along Dallas’ aptly named Lovers Lane at 3 o’clock in the morning. Although Achybrakyheart related a bizarre tale of being drugged by Mafia enforcers who were attempting to force him to shave points in next year’s Pro Bowl game, police doubted that he was telling the entire truth. They believed the real story was that a group of sinister right-wing industrialists had kidnapped the AllPro Quarterback, stripped him of all his clothes and then set him free on the streets of Dallas, where they planned to hunt him for sport. “It’s just a hunch,” said Dallas Police Detective Perry Noya. n
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Tight End Jay Nopersonalchecks is the subject of a twelve state man-hunt after being indicted by a Lake Fork, Texas Grand Jury for illegally cleaning a 16-pound trophy Largemouth Bass.
SUMMER 1997
Lake Fork District Attorney Jerry Dean said he fully intended to seek the death penalty should the All-Pro Tight End be apprehended. “We need to make an example out of somebody,” said Dean, on his weekly TV Show “Honey Court.”
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Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones was placed on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted list early last week when a 2-year-long investigation revealed that Jones has been secretly plotting to overthrow the United States Government. Testimony by Lybian President General Mohammar Khadaffi, who turned State’s Evidence after his arrest outside a New York City pawn shop last month, implicated Jones in a diabolical plot to sign exclusive agreements with enemies of the United States, forming an alliance to methodically destroy the government and install himself as supreme commander. Khadaffi, Jones’ roommate at the University of Arkansas, publicly apologized for “ratting out” his friend. He said that he simply could not resist the government’s offer of a new identity in the Witness Protection Program, as a golf pro outside Yuma, Arizona. Jones remains at large, considered armed and dangerous.
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The National Fish Rapper™...
8/22/18 5:52 PM
Post their prized GPS Coordinates of fishing hotspots onto the Internet
by ROY “THE LEMMING” NEVES n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
RANCHO DOUBLE-WIDE, Calif.— Cult Leader Marshall Dillon Applewhine instructed his followers in the “Heaven’s Guides” fishing cult to join him in a mass commercial suicide last week. Thirty-nine of the cult members, wearing purple Larry’s Tackle Town t-shirts and 12-year-old foul-smelling Reeboks, posted onto the Internet the GPS coordinates of fishing spots they—and only they—have been able to find. The posting could possibly enable competitors or even private citizens to find and actually see the magical locations that heretofore have only been visible to the sanctified eyes of the Heaven’s Guides members. “This is absolute madness,” said former cult member Capt. Lowell O’ Damn. “So many wonderful guides, really special human beings... throwing away their lives like that. They obviously were under the hypnotic influence of an evil madman. I feel so lucky to have escaped his clutches. Oh... my... I must sit down. I’m getting dizzy.” The cult sprung up when Applewhine was forced to flee Texas by fellow fishing guides who thought he was “too weird” to be counted as one of them. How the man ever came to be judged as too weird to join the fishing guide community is beyond comprehension, but he nevertheless took flight. Settling in Southern California, he set out to exact retribution from the bullyish fraternity which had kept him out. He started a web page on the booming Internet and began luring guides from around the world to join his “collective,” by promising guaranteed bookings, short hours, sleep and free feature coverage in prominent outdoor magazines... all the things guides wish for and rarely receive. He soon attracted an international mix of fishing guides who came from around the world to join the cult. Peacock Bass guides from South America, Sturgeon guides from Alaska. Caviar guides from Russia, bow-fishing gar guides from East Texas, Sushi guides from Japan... a true melting pot of cultures and specialties; at its peak over one thousand guides had joined up. For a time, all was harmonious within the group. But after breakfast of the first day, dissension began to ripple throughout the ranks, as the guides began to suspect one another of plotting to seek unfair advantages and other crimes. Applewhine, the leader, saw his new empire crumbling around him even as he was trying to build it. So he came up with a lame story about an alien Party Boat, which he said he’d picked up on his high performance GPS unit, trailing the Hale-BoppDuwahh Comet. Applewhine told his followers that
when the comet made its scheduled pass through the intersection of Wilshire Blvd. and Monte Hall Ave. in Los Angeles, they would be able to hop aboard and ride the Party Boat to The Next Level of Guide Existence—a level at which they could control all the elements, including outdoor writers. But in order to gain boarding privileges to the alien Party Boat, he told them they must first shed their worldly riches, namely their secret GPS coordinates for earthbound hotspots. At such a radical suggestion, most of the cult members revolted, storming out of the compound—a six-story-high custom mobile home located in a secluded “Manufactured Housing” development outside San Diego. All that remained were the 39 most
Cult Leader Marshall Dillon Applewhine.
been put on a floppy disk, which the cult leader had absconded with. Applewhine was never apprehended, but he is believed to be operating the most successful guide service in the Texas coastal bend—at least judging by the size of his classified ad in Texas Fish & Game magazine.
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loyal cult member guides. Applewhine convinced these highly impressionable (i.e. imbecilic) minds that they were truly on the path to guide nirvana. Donning ceremonial Larry’s Tackle Town t-shirts, they one-byone uploaded their treasured GPS numbers onto the World Wide Web, then lay down on cots for a well-needed nap. When police arrived, they were overcome by what they could only describe as “the stench of death.” However, when they forced their way into the gargantuan trailer house and woke up the nearest fishing guide/cult member, they realized that it was only the smell of chum-soaked Reeboks. As all 39 of the commercial suicide victims was rousted, they realized that Applewhine had escaped. Their precious GPS coordinates had not, as they believed, been uploaded to the Internet, but instead had
PHOTO DOWNLOADED FROM www.youregettingsleepyverysleepy.com ( :=
‘HEAVEN’S GUIDES’ CULTISTS COMMIT MASS COMMERCIAL SUICIDE
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DISASTER STRIKES AT Hundreds of Keith Warren Clones Escape TWIN CITIES, Minn.—Cloning specialist Gunther Nowatny has admitted that a breach of security recently occurred at his top secret lab at the 3M Company, allowing the escape of several hundred experimental subjects. “I’m sorry to report that, yes, we did have a security breakdown. Some subjects were able to escape and are now roaming the country at large”, Nowatny admitted to an unrelenting Mike Wallace, of CBS’ “60 Minutes”. The 86-year-old newsman had been questioning the harried Nowatny for 12 straight hours before the scientist finally succumbed to the tortuous interrogation. Shining excruciatingly bright lights into the lab technician’s eyes, while forcing him to endure a non-stop barrage of gratuitously smug comments and questions, and poking him now and then with a lit cigarette, Wallace achieved another of his patented on-camera confessions. “Just what it God’s name were you people trying to do here?,” Wallace asked
the sobbing man, once he’d broken him. Regaining enough composure to speak, the scientist shared his story with Wallace and billions of Nielsen Ratings Households. “It started out as a continuation of the sheep-cloning research that was done in Scotland. We innocently thought there would be no harm in ‘upping the ante’ so to speak... stepping up to a more human-like cloning experiment. “At first, we thought we would just clone a monkey or two. But they proved uncooperative and too smart to go along with the scheme. Then, almost by accident, one of our people found that he could achieve success using TV Fishing Show hosts. “You must understand our euphoria at being able to leap-frog ahead in this technology. Just a few years ago, scientists were barely able to clone a tadpole. Now, with the successful cloning of a Television Fishing Show Host, we’re almost on the threshold of being able to clone real human
beings. You can see how easily this intoxicating sense of power could have gone to our heads. Can’t you?” Sensing that the man was regaining too much composure, Wallace applied another lit cigarette to his restrained forearm, producing a pathetic shriek before Nowatny continued his story. “Anyway we found this especially workable subject, Keith Warren, the host of a highly rated show that reaches 8 billion households, via cable. In the interest of science, and because we paid his going sponsorship rate of $200,000, Mr. Warren agreed to let us clone him. “He was a very suitable subject, because he had already been part of nature’s own cloning experiment, having been born a triplet. One of his identical brothers, Alan, is also the host of an irrationally popular TV Fishing Show. The other brother, Reggie, turned out to be worthless, living off rich divorcee’s and recently getting elected to Congress. The family rarely speaks of
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OPPOSITE PAGE: Six of the early Warren Clones enjoy a rare outing at a Minneapolis park. Under the supervision of lab Technician Babe Alicious, far right, they caught their limit of trophy largemouth bass from the park’s wading pond.
him.
“The first clones were very disappointing, crude ‘prototypes’ that were barely able to speak English or tie their shoes. But we learned quickly, and after a few months of trial and error, it became hard to distinguish between the original and the copies... they could converse at a 4th grade vocabulary level and possessed the motor skills and eye-hand coordination necessary cast open-bale reels. “We kept them in a large barracks here in the lab, in a set-up not unlike a sorority house. They were a content group who were happy to let us teach and study them, so long as the Miller Lite kept flowing. “But almost immediately, we began to have trouble. Mr. Warren, already suffering from the confusion of having one natural clone running around producing a competing TV show, became concerned that the dozens of new clones produced in our labs might ‘flood the market,’ creating a competitive atmosphere that could undermine the economics of the entire Outdoor Broadcasting industry. “This anxiety grew into paranoia, which spawned a raging psychosis that Mr. Warren could not contain. Late one night, while we were all out of the lab, bowling in a company league, he broke in and attempted to euthanize all of the clones. The smarter ones fought back, however and in a pitched battle lasting more than four hours, completely wrecked the lab. In the process of wrecking the lab, they fired up the cloning machinery and cranked out over two hundred additional Keith Warren copies, bringing the total to over 200. The mob of Warrens broke loose and scattered throughout the countryside. “Realizing we’d made a terrible mistake, we immediately destroyed all evidence of the experiment.. tried to cover it all up. 3M is an important company that has brought so many good things to mankind—Scotch Tape, Post-It Notes. We couldn’t let this one dalliance with Universe-tampering soil the good name. You have to understand... I was just doing my job... With that, Nowatny broke completely down, sliding out of his chair like a sniveling glob of uncooked liver. Mike Wallace looked at his field producer and ran his forefinger across his throat, the universal symbol for “I’ve got enough here, let’s cut it and head over to Happy Hour.” As for the escaped clones, an intense manhunt conducted by 3M security forces located only a handful of the earlier, less intellectually equipped units. One of them was found in a revolving door at the Mall of the Americas, just going around and around and around. Another caused a 60-car pile-up when he tried to cross I-94 without looking. A few others were caught applying for jobs at Carmichael-Lynch Advertising in downtown Minneapolis. But the rest of the clones have thus far been able to elude capture. Ironically, by attempting to terminate the project out of fear of competition from the Clones, Mr. Warren’s actions have actu-
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ally caused those fears to become reality. Fishing shows starring at least 30 of the Clones have appeared on fall cable schedules already, including “Fishin’ With Keith Warren #20”; “Anglin’ With Keith Warren #36”; “Fishin’ & Anglin’ With Keith Warren #41”; “The Keith Warren #47 Fishin’ Show”; “Keith Warren #53’s Anglin’ Adventures”; The Hallmark Hall of Fishin’, Starring Keith Warren #194; and NYPD Outdoors With Keith Warren #208, among others. Alan Warren, meanwhile, announced
a new contract with NBC making him part of their blockbuster Must-See-TV line-up on Thursday nights. His show, Suddenly Alan, is set to appear in the coveted 8:30 pm slot, between Seinfeld and ER. The $20
million deal will make his the highest rated fishing show in history (unless you count the Jimmy Houston-Michael Jackson 1994 Super Bowl Halftime extravaganza) Keith Warren’s other natural clone,
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NEUTRON CRANKBAIT UNLEASHED GAMMA RAY, NEVADA — Working out of his small, one-room factory in this desolate Nevada town, a former nuclear technician-turned fishing lure inventor has developed a new high-tech bait that he claims will “revolutionize the imperialist world of recreational angling.” “It all began with my years of research with the neutron bomb,” says 92-year-old Sosho Path, a Japanese researcher who defected to the United States shortly after the advent of World War II. “We’ve long had the ability to produce a bomb that would kill everything within a hundred-mile radius and yet leave all the adjacent surface structures intact. Now,” explains Path, “I’ve utilized that same technology to create the Neutron Crankbait.” According to Path, the halfpound plug contains a small warhead in its unique and patented concave head that, upon being attacked by a striking gamefish, immediately detonates. “This brings a whole new meaning to the fishing term ‘blow-up,” he comments. “Even on a 100,000-acreplus impoundment like Sam Rayburn Reservoir, every fish in the water will belly up for keeps. Yet,” he adds, “it won’t harm the lake’s structure.” Nonetheless, Path advises fishermen not to eat any fish harvested via the Neutron Crankbait. “According to my research, it will take roughly 150 years for the radioactivity in a given body of water to return to acceptable levels,” he says. “But I can guaranteed you that you’ll see some weigh-ins at bass tournaments that until now were absolutely unthinkable.”
Reggie, is under investigation by the House Ethics Committee for accepting illegal campaign contributions from Ivana Trump.
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Secret “EX” Files Reveal
B.A.S.S. Pro’s Plot for World Domination by LARRY “ROSWELL ROADIE” BOZKA n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
MONTGOMERY WARD, Ala.—An elite National Fish Rapper investigative team has unearthed a secret plan by B.A.S.S. pro and television fishing show host Roland Martin to take over the world on December 31, 1999. The story began to unravel when the publication received a call by Dr. Thatza Nicefish, a prominent NASA astrophysicist and scholar. According to Nicefish, the clandestine plot centers around Martin’s recent campaign to flood the world’s fishing markets with a product known as the “Helicopter Lure.” “Roland Martin is a highly intelligent alien being from the planet Oson (pronounced “Oh-Son!),” he said. “He was sent here to ‘soften up’ the area before being joined by troops from his watery home planet in the Ford Galaxy (500). “The Osonian strategy included plans to create insidious ‘infomercials’ from which anglers and other members of the Human species could not look away. To insure complete saturation of the planet with the hypnotic messages, the infomercials were scheduled to run within cable TV outdoor programming blocks, which have been shown by sales reps to reach billions of households. “The ‘infomercials’ for the Helicopter Lure are loaded with subliminal messages intended to acclimate Americans to the eventual occupation of Earth by aliens from Oson,” Nicefish commented. “What they’re showing you on those programs are not fishing lures; if you doubt that, try catching a bass on one. Rather,” added the highly respected scientist, “the body design of the Helicopter Lure is nothing more than a scaled-down version of the huge interplanetary spaceships which will appear on the last day of this century.” President Bill Clinton said that as a former Air Force fighter pilot in Viet Nam, he would personally lead a rag-tag team of American combat planes in a suicide mission to save the planet. (oops, this reporter has the movie Independence Day playing in the background while writing this report—sorry). Nicefish’s classified NASA files reveal that Planet Oson engineers have almost completed development of a “Black Helicopter” which can travel from galaxy to galaxy within a matter of days and, upon arrival, cannot be detected with conventional radar. “Its metal-flake soft plastic skin, pulsating skirt and continuous whirling action provide this machine with a degree of stealth we’ve never before witnessed,” Nicefish noted. “Fortunately,” he added, “the U.S. Department of Defense is currently working on a super-high-tech aircraft which might be capable of countering the devastating weaponry of the Black Helicopter, provided we can get the project PAGE 22
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Shadow of the insidious craft expected to arrive on December 31, 1999 that will aid Pro Angler Roland Martian in his alien plot to conquer the world.
completed in time for the forthcoming attack.” Pentagon officials declined comment. n
However, one high-level military insider who requested anonymity said that the top-secret craft bears a striking resemblance
SUMMER 1997
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1,500 LB CATFISH CAUGHT by REAVIS “CATFISH LITTER” WORTHAM n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
LAKE LIVINGSTON, I PRESUME, Texas—-Rumors have been circulating for years about giant flathead catfish lurking in the murky depths of the submerged Trinity River channel in Lake Livingston. The East Texas lake is now in the record books as the one which produced the largest catfish ever landed, one weighting 1500 pounds. Until now, the record was a 116 pound blue cat caught in Lake Texoma in 1985. Olen Hawker and his wife Ethyl took the huge flathead with an unusual lure. It looks similar to his deceased white toy poodle, Chopper. Olen says he got the idea for the lure after a horrible incident in which Chopper perished. “Chopper like to go fishing with us whenever we took the boat out. For years he’d sit in the boat with us until he got hot. If we were close enough to see the shore, Chopper would jump out of the boat and swim to shore.” Hawker looked sad. “Well sir, last Monday Chopper got tired of sitting out in the lake and he jumped in the water just like he always did. Halfway to shore the water bulged behind him and Chopper disappeared in a huge boil. Ethyl and I were amazed and shocked. We knew then a big cat had eaten my dog.” Wildlife Biologist, Harry Bunyon acknowledged catfish will sometimes hit topwater lures if they’re presented the right way at the proper time. “I’ve seen guys take five pound cats with Rapalas.” Since Hawker didn’t have a Rapala the size of Chopper, he and Ethyl went back to shore and made a lure. Ethyl had recently purchased a new mop. Hawker removed the handle, trimmed the mop into the shape approximating a pompadored poodle and tied an 18 inch hook (normally used to catch alligators) onto the mop head with bailing wire. Hawker then trolled the bizarre looking rig on a ski rope behind the boat as Ethyl paddled. “Sure enough, the line tightened and I knew that ol’ catfish was still hungry, even after he ate poor ol’ Chopper.” The ensuing struggle with the bemoth lasted for three days. Finally, Parks and Wildlife officials rescued the two elderly anglers just in time. “They were dehydrated, hungry, sunburned, and Ethyl was give out with all the paddling,” said officials who asked not to be named. “Olen wasn’t going to give up until he lipped the fish in. Ethyl was so mad because she’d missed three
days of All My Children that she whopped that old catfish’s head a dozen times with a paddle before she collapsed, exhausted and crying.” The catfish then died of its injuries sustained during the assault, officials reported. No brutality charges will be filed against Ethyl. Hawker’s thumb was sewn back on and doctors are optimistic he’ll regain full use of the appendage bitten off by the catfish. Wildlife officials agree it’s not a good idea to try and lip in a 1500 pound catfish. Biologists were interested in why the 22 foot long fish was feeding on top of the water. One theory is the slow and steady presentation of the lure. Another is that flathead catfish hate poodles as much as the majority of the American population. Hawker now has a new career based upon his newfound
Olen Hawker foolishly sticks his hand in the mouth of his 1,500 lb. Lake Livingston record catfish, after already having his thumb sewn back on after losing it while trying—like an idiot—to “lip” the fish.
fame. He sells catfish filets and is confident he can retire soon on the proceedings from his one fish. He also produces lures in the shape of familiar household pets including Siamese cats, Yorkshire terriers, and English
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bulldogs. “The bulldogs are hard to throw,” Hawker says. “You have to practice with such large lures.” Rapala is reportedly working on their own line of Pet Lures. Berkley has announced a live
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The Global Positioning Stick
HISTORY OF GPS by DOUG “THE EARTH IS STILL FLAT” PIKE n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
CHIPSENSALSA, Spain—Until now, very little data has been available on the origins of Global Positioning Systems--GPS. A group of researchers with the Brown-Upchurch Linguistics Laboratory in Shepherd Hill, on the Indiana-Tennessee border, recently completed a painstaking study that tracks the evolution of this technology. Led by renowned investigator Barry Lozka, the group learned that GPS, the navigational tool currently used to fix positions and retrace steps anywhere on the planet by coordinating signals between satellites, actually had more humble beginnings. GPS has been around for centuries, actually, long before its modern version was even a fanciful dream. “Ironically, the originator of GPS was Ferdinand Magellan, the Portuguese explorer,” said Lozka. Ferdinand Magellan lived from 1480 to 1521 and is credited with being first to offer proof that the world is round and not flat. The Portuguese sea captain took great pride in his round-Earth theory but had difficulty convincing his crew. In 1520, a full year into his quest to circumnavigate the globe, he ordered his ship to anchor off a small island and take on provisions. It was there, his personal logs reflect, that Magellan pondered the enormity of his self-assigned task. “After so many days and nights on the ocean,” he wrote in his diary (now under lock and key in the Museomo Nationale de Lisbon) on April 1, 1520, “I’ve nearly given up hope. It seems an impossibility to lift the shroud of doubt worn by those around me, especially Lt. Daggett.” It was on that island, so insignificant that Magellan didn’t bother to name it, that
the explorer made his most profound but least publicized discovery. Magellan’s April 3, 1520, log entry: “After a particularly nasty argument with Lt. Daggett over the tardiness of yet another report, I dismissed him and called for a boat to carry me ashore. A walk on solid ground world clear the salt and sea fog from my head. Approximately 200 meters inland, I came across a sapling cypress tree, felt somehow compelled to uproot it, and did.” The passage continues that Magellan pulled a dagger from his belt and began slowly at first and then with increased vigor, to whittle the tiny tree. He rid it of all its spindly offshoots, then methodically stripped its bark. “Its bare white belly exposed and sweet sap filling my grateful nose,” Magellan penned, “I sensed it bore importance. The tree was reduced a length of roughly two meters, and its girth filled my hand. I thrust its sharper end into the ground and retrieved it quickly, leaving a substantial depression. Still unsure why, I carried it several meters further inland.” It was when he stopped again Magellan realized what he’d done. “I held the bit of cypress upright, rested it beside my boot and eyed the mark it made,” the diary continues. “I am here. I then lifted it, as one might a lance, and pointed it to where I’d stood before. I was there.” Magellan hurried to his crew. He raised the stick overhead, an oarsman’s own scribbled diary notes, and “shouted as if maddened from sun and rum.” “Look at what I carry,” he commanded, “and marvel at its accuracy.” The cypress hit the sand sharply. “We are here,” Magellan bellowed. Swinging its tip inland and then quickly asea, he continued the declaration. “I was
there, we want to go there.” The crewmen were stunned. Their captain help a simple device that provided instant, precision reference to points near and far. Inadvertently, he had invented the Global Positioning Stick, the original GPS. The unit served Magellan well. Back on the ship, still at anchor in safe harbor, he summoned Lt. Joseppi Daggett to the foredeck. Magellan pointed his GPS at the island, from which they’d taken fruit, fresh water and “many wild boar nearly large as oxen.” “Observe, my doubting friend, the power of GPS,” Magellan said. “Can you deny that we were there?” Daggett could not. “Or,” Magellan emphasized with a sharp rap of the stick on deck, “that we are here?” Daggett was dumfounded, again. The captain then instructed his lieutenant to go about the ship’s regular business but to rejoin him just before sundown. Sails were unfurled, and the tall ship eased forward under a gentle breeze. As ordered, Daggett returned to deck at dusk. “Are we not still here, Mr. Daggett?” Magellan inquired with confidence, twirling the GPS in his fingers and making its point spin in the knot of a weathered plank. Daggett nodded. “Now-look there!” Magellan shouted, swinging the GPS sharply over Daggett’s head so near that the lieutenant thought he’d lose his hat if not an ear. The GPS now was aimed directly astern, squarely down the ship’s lazy wake. “According to my GPS, we were there, on an island,” Magellan proposed. “Yet the island, sir, is gone. If the world were flat, would the island not still be where my GPS says it should be?” From that moment, Daggett became
one of Magellan’s more outspoken supporters. In 1521, history records that Magellan landed in the Philippines. He and his crewmen grew quite fond of the islanders, and the few sailors who hadn’t developed shipboard romances found partners among the natives. Using his own GPS and making more, Magellan helped the island people to develop new trade routes. The sticks, in fact, revolutionized inter-island trade. With the GPS, boatmen could mark their position on the beach, plot a course to a neighboring island, mark it as a waypoint upon arrival, then instantly plot a return course. His discovery and closeness to the people of the Philippines, however, were Magellan’s eventual undoing. Some islanders used GPS to make claims of ownership on prime beachfront. Swinging their sticks wildly during property disputes, former friends “accidently” struck each other and became fast enemies. Tempers flared, and lines were drawn--with GPS units, ironically--in the sand. On April 27, 1521, Magellan was killed during a battle between rival factions on the island of Mactan. A final entry in Magellan’s personal log, in a different hand believed to be that of Lt. Daggett, describes the unfortunate chain of events. “My dear friend and closest companion is dead. Upon hearing yet another senseless argument, Ferdi grabbed his stick and stepped outside, where raised voices debated ownership of a nearby stream. I peered through the window and saw him rush to step between the combatants before their challenge escalated to physical violence, which he abhorred. Along the way, in his haste, he tripped and skewered himself belly to back. I cradled Ferdi’s limp form and bade him farewell. He opened his eyes and spoke. With his bloodied hands gripping that cherished GPS, which stood from his wound like a mast from a ship, he managed a final request: “Bury me...here.”
!
Fishonics to be Taught Students in All Southeastern Grade Schools by LARRY “DIRTY CLIFFS NOTES” BOZKA n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
LULIN’, TX—After years of not being able to understand their students, teachers at Lulin’ Middle School have finally decided that it’s best to join ‘em if you can’t teach ‘em. As a result, a new dialect dubbed “Fishonics” will now be taught at this East Texas school as well as others throughout the Piney Woods region of the state. “These children have grown up on the riverbottoms,” says Ed Ucrat, superintendent of the Lulin’ School District and a vocal advocate of Fishonics. “As such, they have developed a specialized vocabulary which we must respect—and even encourage—if we hope to turn them into productive poachers and netters.” Foremost in the Fishonics dialect is the alteration of any word which ends with the letter “g.” “From here on out, the letter ‘g’ will be replaced with an apostrophe,” Ucrat told the Fish Rapper. “The first step in this process was to alter the name of the town.” “We’d been athinkin’ about it fer a a lon’ time,” said fifth-grader Iggy Noramus. “I’uz fixin’ to protest or somethin’ if they PAGE 26
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didn’t let us start talkin’ the way we’re spozed to.” In an effort to help educators become accustomed to the new language, the Lulin’ School District has distributed an extensive ‘translation page’ to area teachers. Among some of the examples are: Fishonics: “Thazzanicechunk-yagotthere.” Translation: “My, but that is certainly a respectable fish you’re holding in your hands.” Fishonics: “Howcumzit we never get no slabs on them stinkin’ plastics?” Translation: “Could you please explain to me why it is that large white crappie so seldom strike grub-tailed crappie jigs?” Fishonics: “Better cutitout. Don’ make me open up a can o’ whoopass.” Translation: “Please restrain yourself. I don’t want to resort to physical retaliation as a means of resolving this difficult matter.” Fishonics: The sandies are runnin’ up the crik. We’re markin’ ‘em at ‘round 10 feet, and I reckon’ if ya’ tossed tandems it’d be nuthin’ to sack up a big mess.” Translation: “There are large numbers of white bass spawning in the river.
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The fish are reportedly suspended 10 feet down, and it’s my guess that one could catch a limit if he or she utilized double-rigged jigs.” Fishonics: “Learnin’ that new-fangled cipherin’ ain’t nearuzeasy as shockin’ cats.” Translation: “Understanding algebra is considerably more difficult than harvesting catfish through the illegal technique of electroshocking.” Fishonics: “Ma can gut an’ cut them grinnel quicker’n a gar kin skin a minner.” Translation: “My mother can fillet fish in very rapid fashion.” Fishonics: Ol’ Leatherface tore me a new ‘un when she figgered out I’d done been playin’ hookey.” Translation: “My English teacher exercised corporal discipline after discovering that I had skipped class.” Fishonics: Chout! Keep it ‘tween the ditches! If that black-and-white cranks up the bubble gum machine with us all full o’ shine we’re probly screwed to the slammer fer sure.” Translation: “Pay attention! Drive straight! If that state trooper turns on his lights he will almost certainly pull us over and take us all to jail for driving while
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intoxicated.” Fishonics: “Youkin bookit! I seen it! Heck, I’uz there! Translation: “Rest assured, this is the truth! I witnessed it! After all, I was at the exact location to which I am referring! Fishonics: “Squeet.” Translation: “Let us go and eat.” Other rules to remember: The word “those” shall be replaced with “them.” The word “have” shall be replaced with “done.” The word “feet” shall be replaced with the word “foot.” Largemouth bass shall be referred to as “chunks” (not to be confused with the term “chunk,” when used in place of “cast”). The word “large” shall be replaced with “nice.” The word “doesn’t” shall be replaced with the word “don’t.” Example: “Them chunks done slid down to 6 foot. They’ze some nice fish, though. Try flippin’, pitchin’, trollin’, spinnerbaitin’ and jiggin’. If that don’t work, try chunkin’ cranks on ridges ‘n humps.” For more examples, refer to The Nashville Network.
! The National Fish Rapper™...
8/22/18 5:52 PM
by ROY “CHALK LINE” NEVES n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
SEVERED-HEAD, N.C.—The body of 39-year-old Vic Timized, a tuna casserole salesman from Glancing Blow, Mich., was found early Tuesday morning, the hapless target of a savage attack by a killer armed with a table-top paper cutter. The body was discovered on the sidewalk in front of 875 and 877 Main Street, in the city’s bustling stationary store district. This brings to 5 the number of bodies linked to a new serial murderer that the FBI’s Creative Division has dubbed “The Office Supply Killer.” It is the second season in a row this area has been terrorized by a serial, or “theme” murderer. Last year it was the “Cereal Killer,” a serial killer who bludgeoned his victims with boxes of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. He turned out to be an overstressed stock-boy at the local Food Binge supermarket, who just snapped one day.
them off real fast. The only reason she survived was that he was interrupted by a phone call from MCI trying to get him to switch from AT&T. While he desperately tried to get rid of the pesky salesman, his victim managed to free two fingers of one hand and form a paper clip into a tiny digging tool, with which she carved an escape tunnel through twelve feet of solid limestone. Police say they have no suspects and few leads in the case. The lone surviving victim, Ms. Massakist, was unable to provide a reliable description, because the entire time she was held captive, the murderer was wearing a Green Bay Packer Cheesehead hat. They do have a computer-generated composite sketch, obtained from a description given by Melvin “The
PHOTO BY BY “THE SERIAL PHOTOGRAPHER”
Fiendish ‘Office Supply Killer’ Strikes Again Grizzly scene of the ‘Office Supply Killer’s” latest crime.
Snitch” Snydeckie, a local street punk and informer who works for the metropolitan police department at a reported salary of $59,000 per year. Anyone who recognizes the individual in the composite should contact Crime Stoppers at 1-800-2-SQUEAL. If you’re
the first caller, you’ll receive a $1,000 reward, trip for 2 to sunny San Juan, Puerto Rico, a 7-piece set of Samsonite luggage, Rice-A-Roni—the San Francisco Treat, and the home version of Crime Stoppers.
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Computer-generated composite sketch of the murderer.
He went on a maniacal spree of killing and other practical jokes until police arrested him for carrying a box of Mueslix without a permit. The year before, it was a maniac who dressed his victims up as characters from the long-running broadway show “Cats” then ran over them in his Jeep Grand Cherokee. The Office Supply Killer uses everyday office products as his weapons of choice and always leaves them behind as taunting clues at the scene of each crime. His first victim, trick rope artist Beaux Nanza of Blistered Lips, Maryland, was found stapled to the bulletin board of a local laundromat. His fingernails had been pried out with a staple remover. Another body, that of city councilwoman Barbara Q. Pitts was impaled on a memo spike at her campaign headquarters. The words “Die Elitist Government Cow” were scrawled in Whiteout™ across her face. In another case, the fiend fed his victims, a wealthy older couple and their toy poodle “Liberace,” through a paper shredder. The only victim to survive an attack by the savage murderer is Sadie Massakist, who was bound and gagged with Scotch Tape while the killer tortured her by taping Post-It Notes all over her body and ripping “...AROUND THE WORLD... AROUND THE CLOCK... A ROUND OF DRINKS FOR THE ENTIRE NEWS STAFF.”
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VEGETABLE RIGHTS, A ‘GROWING’ MOVEMENT DROUGHT’S BLESSING, Iowa—Don’t peel that potato. A new organization which, according to its own figures boasts some one hundred million members, has entered the nation’s social conscience with a fervent plea to stop the slaughter of helpless vegetables. “Life is life,” says Libby Lima, executive director of PETAL (People Eating Trees and Leaves). “A bean is a rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. Vegetables are extremely developed life forms. Their lives are short enough as it is. Fruit grows on trees,” Lima points out, “and it’ll grow back. Vegetables never get that chance.” According to PETAL statistics, some 100 trillion vegetables meet their death every year. “When they rip the poor things out of the earth, farmers and home gardeners call it “harvesting,” says Lima. “We prefer to call it what it is—murder.” Already, PETAL activists have launched a nation-wide effort to sabotage the efforts of American farmers at work. Over 50,000 tractor tires were reportedly slashed by PETAL activists in 1996, and current statistics indicate a continuing increase in farm-equipment-related vandalism, including tractor bombings and other acts of terror. Furthermore, the produce sections of more than three dozen leading grocery outlets were fire-bombed last month alone. The problem has escalated to an all-time peak, and as a result there are now bills pending in several state legis-
PHOTO BY THE DIRT CITY, IOWA 4-H CLUB
by LARRY “BROCCOLI BREATH” BOZKA ■ FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
Vegetable Rights Activists Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon flee from the scene of a tractor bombing in Iowa. O.L. McDonald, who had a farm, suffered 3rd degree burns over 300% of his body in the unfortunate incident. latures to enact new “Farmer Harassment Laws.” Meanwhile, PETAL protesters are passing out “Save a Vegetable—Harvest a Gardener” bumper stickers at the entrances to highway fruit stands and food fairs. Their signs read “Make Love, Not Salad,” “Save the Squash” and “Cabbage Stinks!” What monies they’ve been able to raise have so far gone toward advertising, long-distance calls to television news producers and the design of custom-tailored vegetable suits which are worn during protests. “These merchants of death, many of
them national grocery chains with huge aisles full of vegetable corpses, have no regard for the lives of these innocent and voiceless victims,” Lima recently told a group of reporters outside of Houston’s Farmer’s Market. “As for the farmers, they call it ‘managing the crop.’ Fact is, they’re just killing a bunch of vegetables so they can make room for more. The death cycle never stops.” PETAL recently aired a 30-second television commercial which featured graphic slow-motion scenes of turnips, carrots and potatoes being torn out of the
ground. “They come from the dirt,” Lima commented. “They eat dirt. When you get down to it, they’re made of dirt. So,” she asked, “why don’t people just eat the dirt to begin with and stop the killing?” Shortly after the broadcast, the station which aired the controversial commercial reportedly received an angry flood of calls from representatives of the newly-formed Mineral Rights movement.
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The National Fish Rapper™...
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Town Living In Fear Of Land Shark by WENDY “I BRAKE FOR JAWS” KIPFMILLER n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
The town of Sheddybone, N.C. is living in terror, after a land shark was spotted by townfok. Apparently, the hellish creature escaped captivity of the Elmer Smitty Shark Farm after surgeons haphazardly replaced his tailfin with a pair of human legs. The surgeons were called in to remove a large growth off of the shark’s neck, which later they discovered was an additional head. After 30 minutes of grueling surgery, acclaimed surgeon Cutten N. Hacken let the knife slip, severing the tail from the shark’s body. Horrified that his prize shark had been disfigured, Smitty demanded a donor be located immediately. Sources say that a pair of human legs was all they could muster. Needless to say immediately upon recovery, the shark escaped Elmer’s facility, and was spotted running down Farm Rd. 32 in downtown
Sheddybone, by a crowd of elderly square dancers, having a clogging marathon in town square. “It’s not every day you see a dadblasted shark on-the-lam, even at my age,” cried Boris Tideth, Sheddybone’s Champion Clogger 1996. Shortly after, the Sheddybone Police Station became flooded with phone calls and complaints of a shark, running around, circling the house at dinner time. Police were perplexed trying to decide what type of weapons to seize the perpetrator with, “Do we take our guns, or should we take a bucket of mullet and a net? Officer Helmut Hedd joked. The Police have yet to capture the Land-Shark, still at large, and locals say that the 8 foot-tall fish is getting smarter and more devious. Townfolk are
In this rare photo captured by Champion Clogger, Boris Tideth, the land shark is seen headed for the home of Agnes Cook.
afraid the shark will reach cult like status, leading the teens of the town down a path of destruction. Scientists are baffled by
the surgical efforts of Dr. Hacken and his assistant.
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TEXAN GETS FIRST DOG HEART TRANSPLANT by LARRY “REJECT THIS” BOZKA n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
VIDOR, TX - For 30 days, Ed “Slim” Gigger was a celebrity in this tiny East Texas Community. On May 10, he received the first-ever dog-to-human heart transplant. “Slim had been waiting for a donor for quite some time with no luck,” reports Dr. Drake Quackery, head surgeon for the Lower Vidor Heart Transplant Center and Body Shop. “One day he was out sticking frogs with his Labrador Retriever, Wino, when the poor mutt was suddenly attacked and killed by a mama alligator guarding her nest. Slim knew ‘ol wino was a goner,” explains Quackery, “so he brought him in and asked if we’d let him have the dog’s heart. We figured he had nothing to lose, so we grabbed the tin shears, gave him a big ol’ shot of whiskey and went to work.” The operation was an amazing success. However, Gigger rapidly took on some of his donor’s traits. “We knew something was weird when his wife, Melba, told us that he wouldn’t get in bed before circling around it two or three times,” comments Quackery. “Then he started shedding hair all over the house, eating Johnson Grass and ‘marking’ Melba’s potted plants.” These, it turned out, were only harmless oddities. Sadly, Gigger met his demise a month later, when he was run down on June 10 while chasing an 18-wheeler down Interstate 10 shortly after midnight. According to his wife, he had chewed through his leash and escaped the yard unnoticed.
! “...THE HARDEST WORKING NEWS TEAM IN THE BUSINESS... AND THE DIRTY FINGERNAILS TO PROVE IT.”
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by ROY “SUCKER PUNCH” NEVES n FISH RAPPER NEWS STAFF
IS THAT A QUAIL IN DON KING’S HAIR?
SIX FLAGS’ LAS VEGAS, Nev.—Mike Tyson, suspended from boxing just two months ago for eating in the ring, will return this fall, according to promoter Don King. He will face challenger Dr. Jack “Kid” Kevorkian in a scheduled 12-rounder at the Elvis Hilton. Tyson apparently satisfied Nevada Boxing Commissioners by penning a 50-word essay “Why Cannibalism Doesn’t Work” (copied and distributed to members on the backs of $50,000 bearer bonds), thereby winning an early release from his one-year suspension.
Don King crows to sportswriters about his latest boxing coup—the early return of Mike Tyson to the ring.
Kevorkian, weighing in at a scrawny 86-pounds and obviously at a serious disadvantage to the 240-pound, razor-toothed Tyson, is still said to have “a few tricks up his sleeve” for the bout. Vegas odds makers set the opening line at 2,800-to-1 that Kevorkian would survive the first nanosecond of the fight, but later revised the odds to even money when they learned of some of the doctor’s unorthodox
tactics. Odds maker Salvatore “The Irish Mick” Riggatoni, said that he heard Kevorkian will use revolutionary boxing gloves, of his own design, which feature hoses taped to the arms of the boxer that lead out of the ring and are connected to the exhaust pipe of a 1978 Cadillac Fleetwood. Given the current ethical climate in boxing, a few well-placed packs of thousand dollar bills should easily get the gloves approved in time for Kevorkian to wear them in the bout. If so, the playing field will be leveled, say oddsmakers. Kevorkian earned his shot at the former champ by defeating Gerry Cooney in a 15 rounder in Atlantic City in April. Kevorkian effortlessly out-maneuvered the easygoing but unburdened-by-intellect Cooney. Dancing him into the corner, Kevorkian was able to keep the prototype of his special gloves in the face of his lowwatt opponent long enough for fumes from vent slits in the padding to do their work. They quickly overcame the massive, yet slow-moving Cooney, who was on his back faster than Madonna on a first date. Kevorkian scored a K.O. in the third round. Cooney was eulogized in a memorial service attended by many of the greats of boxing. “Iron Defficiency Mike” Tyson expressed no fear of Kevorkian, despite the fate of the “Kid’s” last opponent. Said Tyson, “He don’t scare me. Look. All I gatta do is visualize him sittin’ up to his scrawiny shoulders in gravy, and nex’ thang he knows, he’s nothin’ but a napkin stain.” Promoter King expects to add to his vast fortune—second only to Microsoft’s Bill Gates—with the take from the Tyson-Kevorkian fight. Pay-per-view orders have already reached $16 billion in advance revenues, despite the hefty $10,000 per household charge. Ringside seats, priced at $64,000 apiece, are also said to be selling briskly. The cheapest seats at the fight, folding chairs actually placed on the runway of the Las Vegas airport, are going for $500 each.
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release of the report, Croop and staff have created CIDNAC — the Commission To Investigate Death By Natural Causes. “CIDNAC has received an initial $15 billion grant from Congress to begin the research process,” Croop comments. “Our initial findings indicate a possible correlation to aging,” he says, “but it’s way too early in the game to draw any definite conclusions. It will take many years and much more funding to unlock the lethal puzzle of DBNC.”
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Dr. Jack “Kid” Kevorkian prepares to step into the ring with former Heavyweight Champ Mike Tyson. The scrawny physician is probably the one person who could enter such a “suicidal” mismatch with halfway decent odds.
“This is a great day for boxing”, said the ebullient King, while dodging a persistent quail that was trying to nest in his hair. “A great American sport proves once again that it’s not the money, not the hype, not the limousines, or the women or the hot tub parties that define it, but rather the spirit of competition and dedication to
sportsmanship.” He then handed a wad of $100 bills to each of the showgirls sharing the hot tub in the rear of his super stretch limo as it pulled away from the curb, while he laughed a wild, American Dream kind of laugh.
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‘FRISK ME ELMER’ HITS NATION’S TOY STORES
SILENT KILLER STALKS EVERY U.S. CITIZEN WASHINGTON, D.C. - A recently released study by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Resources highlights a terrifying malady that is reportedly the nation’s number-one killer — “DBNC,” or Death By Natural Causes. “Natural Causes kill more persons than every other disease in the world combined,” reports Surgeon General C. Every Croop. “Worst of all, we have no idea as to the source of this deadly scourge.” In response to the widespread panic which followed the
PHOTO COURTESY THE HEMLOCK SOCIETY
Kid Kevorkian Set to Fight Mike Tyson
SEZYOU STREET, USA—If you think the “Tickle Me Elmo” was a winner during last year’s Christmas buying season, then prepare yourself. Licensed by Gangsta Toys, Inc., the new “Frisk Me Elmer” promises to the number-one hit on this year’s Santa’s list. “We wanted a cross between a Teddy bear and an action figure, one that innercity kids could really relate to,” says GTI president I.B. Rich. “The standard Elmer doll comes with baggy pants, lighted Nike running shoes, an L.A. Raiders cap and a pair of dice. For stocking stuffers,” adds Rich, “Mom and Dad can also
SUMMER 1997
throw in the Frisk Me Elmer .38 Special, brass knuckles and the all-new Elmer switchblade. Frisk Elmer too roughly, or touch him in the wrong place,” he warns, “and he’ll cut you.” According to Rich, the new doll also boasts what he calls “an important safety feature.” “Frisk Me Elmer can be special-ordered with a digital pager that allows your child to stay in touch with you and his or her friends at all times,” he notes,
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adding that GTI is already hard at work on a new version of the doll for Christmas ‘98 — the “Drive-By Elmer.” Both new dolls will reportedly sell for a MSRP of $299.95.
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Frisk Me Elmer
The National Fish Rapper™...
8/22/18 5:52 PM
FISH RAPPER TARGETED FOR HOSTILE TAKEOVER BY DISNEY Indeed, Disney’s basic franchise, its animated movies, have been taking on a darker tone in recent years, owing to a near-exhausted supply of the traditional fairy tale story lines such as Sleeping Beauty and Pinnoccio, as well as a growing cynicism among its target 4-to-11 year old audience (many of whom already have felony records). The latest offerings, horror-movie inspired “Beauty and the Beast,” and “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” and the Bambi-meets-real-life-on-the-Serrengheti tale, “The Lion King” demonstrate Disney’s new tack toward violence and dark, moody char-
PHOTO BY FRANK LLOYD WRONG, ARCHITECT
PHOTOS BY WALT DISNEY ANIMATION DEPARTMENT
VAN NOISE, Calif.—Not satisfied with dominating the cartoon, motion picture, theme park and network TV markets, The Walt Disney Co. this week launched an effort to wrestle control of The National Fish Rapper from its current board of directors. Disney plans to buy controlling stock in the sleazy tabloid and invest billions of dollars to turn it into “The Lion King of sleazy, yellow journalism,” in the words of Disney chairman Michael Eisner. An exuberant Eisner said, “We intend to hire the best investigative reporters in the business—Woodward, Bernstein, Jack
Disney Chairman Michael Eisner, last week (left) and Eisner, Circa 1957. Was he a member of the original Mickey Mouse Club? You decide.
Anderson, Tom Brokaw, Lou Grant—to chase down the world’s great mysteries: where the hell IS Elvis; where WILL Satan strike next; and what IS the deal with all those TV fishing shows?” Eisner also revealed plans to build a billion dollar theme park called “Fish Rapper World,” with shows and rides along the same lines as those found at Walt Disney World, except they would be designed to make riders and spectators sick. This appears to be the latest move in Disney’s recent shift toward a new, and darker, path in its acquisition strategy. “They are clearly branching out from their traditional base of ‘family values’ industries, to diversify holdings and provide stockholders with a multi-front position in a variety of entertainment markets,” said Wall Street analyst Murray Laughingstock.
acterizations. Now in production are such neo-Disney works as “The Plague,” starring the voices of Robert Downey Jr. and Mickey Rourke; “Sideshow Freaks,” directed by David Lynch, and “Booty Hood,” with original music composed by gangsta rappa Shoot Me Dedd. Not all of their new ventures have proven to be successful, however, said Laughingstock. “For example, their ill-advised line of ‘Shindler’s List’ Action Figures. They probably should have passed on that idea. But they remain committed to the shift in corporate values, nonetheless. The “National Fish Rapper” takeover bid came just weeks after Disney out-flanked mogul Steven Spielburg to purchase the Rick’s nationwide chain of upscale yet sleazy strip clubs. They are also rumored to be bidding
National Fish Rapper World Headquarters.
for distribution rights for Crack-Cocaine™ in Chicago, St. Louis and Salt Lake City. National Fish Rapper publisher and general manager Roy “Loose Change” Neves scoffs at the threat of having his company bought out from under him. “Walt Disney—gimme a break! That mickey mouse bunch of babies might be able to intimidate limp-wristed Hollywood types. They don’t know what it’s like to do battle with a gutter-brawler like The National Fish Rapper. By the time we’re done with ‘em, they’ll wish they’d stuck to filming crap like ‘Moochie of the Little Leagues’ .” When told of Neves’ comments, Eisner—whose personality type has earned
him two 5-way heart bypass operations— exploded in a fit of rage that sent two fawning assistants to the studio’s urgent care facility. “We’ll show him just how ruthless ‘Moochie’ can get when he’s provoked,” said the Disney chairman, who may or may not have been a member or Disney’s stable of child actors during the 1950s heyday of cheap black & white movies and “The Mickey Mouse Club.” National Fish Rapper stock tumbled from $83 a share to 3.4¢ in the wake of the hostile takeover announcement. Walt Disney has been unavailable for comment.
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C-CAT Urges Anglers to ‘Save the Hardhead’
PORT LAVACA, TX - For years, the high-profile conservation group went by the name of GCCA — Gulf Coast Conservation Association. Now, in response to a deadly fish kill that claimed the lives of millions of saltwater catfish, the group has changed both its name and its focus. Say hello to CCAT — “Coastal Catfish Anglers of Texas,” or “Seacat,” as it’s fondly referred to. “Over the years, we’ve done wonders for red drum,” says CCAT board chairman Ty Coon. “Thanks to our aggressive hatchery efforts and our battle
cry to ‘Save the Redfish’ there are zillions of ‘em out there now, enough to support better than 1,000 full-time fishing guides on Aransas Bay alone. When the big cat kill of summer ‘96 hit the Texas coast, we knew it was time to change direction. We’ve needed a new cause, and now we have it.” According to Coon, CCAT is currently constructing a new $50 million hardhead catfish hatchery on the eastern shoreline of Lavaca Bay. “This is without question Texas’ most polluted bay,” he notes, “and it only makes sense that we build the new hatchery there. Pollution
killed those precious fish last year, and we figure the only way to head off future disasters like this is to actually raise the fingerlings in polluted rearing ponds and as such make them chemical resistant.” A cooperative effort between CCAT, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, Formica Plastics and Consolidated Coagulation Chemical and Blood Bait Co., Coon says the new “Milly Naire Sea Cat Center and Hardhead Hatchery” will be a state-of-the-art facility capable of producing some 100 billion hardhead catfish fingerlings every month. “Milly was our
number-one lobbyist,” he recalls, and “it’s only right that she gets credit for all the time she spent in Austin getting legislators likkered-up and contributing PAC (Prodigious Anonymous Cash) monies to their campaigns.” Nair, 39, died unexpectedly after complications from being finned by a 3-inch hardhead catfish taken from the hot-water discharge below Formica Plastics chemical plant. Formica, which employs roughly 95 percent of the population of Port Lavaca, is the world’s largest manufacturer of cheap dinette sets.
“...NEWS THAT STANDS APART FROM JENNINGS, BROKAW AND RATHER (THANKS TO A FEDERAL RESTRAINING ORDER).”
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CCAT’s new poster boy
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FOUR COLOR Now look. I went out and bought all this outdoor stuff so I could get your attention. You with me? Now, buy somethin’.
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BRUNO MAGLI FISHING WADERS Be sure an’ get these babies at least a size
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EIFFEL DEER TOWERS Sacre-Blue!. Those Frenchmen may not know
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The National Fish Rapper™... “NEWS THAT’S AS FRESH AS A CARNIVAL WORKER’S SOCKS.”
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FOUR COLOR
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