SOUTHWESTERN MUSICIAN
MAY 2020
MAY 2020
we were made for this by craig hella johnson
I love being a musician. I wear the label proudly and feel deeply happy to be a part of this great tribe of creative beings who circle the globe—this inspired, quirky, and distinctive troupe who call themselves musicians.
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Add to that the great good fortune of becoming a member of this special family of Texas musicians—of all life’s unexpected turns, 30 years ago, this transplanted Norwegian-Lutheran kid from wintry Minnesota found his way down to Texas and ended up falling in love with cherished colleagues and musical friends in this extraordinary state. But then also add to these perhaps a greatest joy: to be able to share this gift of music, inspiration, and connection with others and pay it forward—to be a teacher. I know you understand and share in these joys, each in your own way. As I considered what I could write at this time of the pandemic, I began to hold in my thoughts the many musical friends and colleagues across the state and around the globe who are each navigating their own sets of circumstances, experiencing their own unique losses in these tender and challenging days. You are my tribe and we are in this together. A TIME OF LOSS I think of the many graduating seniors who won’t move through the closing rituals of this significant life chapter—final concerts, commencement, sharing goodbyes, and expressing gratitude to teachers and friends. I am mindful of our younger ones who will miss out on much-anticipated recitals, ensemble programs, tours, and in-person learning. And I keep in my heart the countless teachers who find such great fulfilment doing their inspired work in classrooms, ensembles, and teaching studios. For many, there is a devastating loss of employment and income. Many may experience a loss of meaning and purpose, with work and routines upended. And for all, the loss of being together, of being in relationship through music, is deeply felt. Finally, and significantly, many in our world are losing beloved family members and friends and are faced with extraordinary hardships. For a time, we lose music itself, even. While there are abundant opportunities for listening and many wonderful online offerings (and, of course, we can be practicing!), to no longer have the experience of making music alongside others is a breathtaking loss, and we feel it, profoundly. Some have expressed to me that they
experience a loss of identity and sense of their place in the world. If I am not a musician, or a teacher, who am I? ASKING QUESTIONS What are we to take from all this? What is the learning? Is there value that can be drawn from this time? Are there any new strengths, discoveries, and understanding that can be born from these losses—all this letting go? Several years ago, following an inner-ear rupture and infection, I lost almost all hearing in my left ear. I saw many doctors and practitioners of all sorts, desperate to find healing and a solution. I lived with this hearing loss for several months, and during this time I had to cancel many of my musical engagements. It was a dark time and I was forced to face many difficult questions. What is my purpose? If I am not a musician, who am I? What is essential about my life outside all my roles and tasks and stories about myself? Each day, as the condition lingered, by grace I felt somehow compelled to meet these questions in honesty—to face myself. This period of loss and the great fear surrounding it provided for me an opportunity to explore the possibility of letting go of all the ideas and mental constructs I had about myself and to simply face what was arising—in reality, in truth. All masks and any aspects of my presented self were stripped away. After a lot of inner turmoil, strong resistance, and some valiant kicking and screaming, I started to receive a profound gift. I was beginning to rediscover what felt like my original, core self. Without the constructs of my roles and my personal stories defining “who I was,” I began remembering freshly what I truly valued and so many of my early inspirations. I was coming home to myself. I also fell in love with music again. Not all the doings of music and the activities, but music itself. I realized that in all the busyness of my musical life, I had lost much of my genuine and personal connection with music’s power and beauty. As a human, I had lost connection with the core of my being. Having had this time to contemplate and face these inner questions, I felt that, even within the trappings of a musical life, I had strayed from that which had inspired me to become a musician in the first place. It Southwestern Musician | May 2020 21
was the gift of a lifetime to have this difficult circumstance serve as a powerful wake-up call. Thankfully, after eight months, my hearing returned and I was able to resume full time music-making, but I did so feeling utterly renewed. It was revelatory to reenter my musical activities having experienced a rebirth of my relationship with music. AN OPPORTUNITY I share this story because I am reminded that in the midst of today’s deep fear and loss, there is also great opportunity for those who are willing to meet what is here, allowing it to become an inner teacher, inviting us to face ourselves. This is a time when we can wake up in areas of our lives where we may have become dormant, protected, defended, disengaged. We are being offered the possibility for a full system reboot. We would be wise to take advantage of this potential life-giving gift of renewal. Victor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist and a Holocaust survivor, wrote in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, “Live as if you were living for a second time, as though you had acted wrongly the first time.” Each of us has an opportunity to allow this global pandemic to awaken us and call us back to a greater sense of purpose and value.
I offer the following to you that you might hold these ideas close as we walk together through the days ahead: Grieve Your Losses: Though some losses may seem greater or lesser, each person’s losses are genuine and each needs acknowledgement. Feel your own losses and disorientation. For that which is heartbreaking, do your best not to contract the heart and protect, but rather allow your heart to break open and continue to expand the capacity of what your heart can hold. Rest and Renew: Take real time to rest and to listen for what your body and spirit truly need. Rediscover: Stay open to recovering and rediscovering your original, essential values and inspiration and reconnect with the sources of your inspiration. Rediscover your sense of purpose and joy. Fall in Love: Fall in love with music again, even more deeply, and renew the vows you made to it. Prepare to fulfill your purpose more profoundly and offer your gifts to this world. 22 Southwestern Musician | May 2020
WE WERE MADE FOR THESE TIMES Will you invite this time to be an opportunity for self-discovery and self-renewal? While we must begin by engaging in our own healing and rediscovery, we are also being called to do this work together, for the future of our planet, our human family, and for all we hold dear. As those who understand the transformational potential of music, we are particularly well suited to be co-builders of this post-COVID-19 world. In fact, we are specifically called to hold an inspired vision for our new world and to begin working together as steadfast leaders. With this perspective in mind, the words of Clarissa Pinkola Estés, an American poet and post–trauma specialist and author of the best-selling Women Who Run with the Wolves, seem especially resonant: My friends, do not lose heart. We were made for these times. . . . Ours is a time of almost daily astonishment . . . over the latest degradations of what matters most to civilized, visionary people. In any dark time, there is a tendency to veer toward fainting over how much is wrong or unmended in the world. Do not focus on that. We are needed, that is all we can know. . . . Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it; I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do. I am inspired by her call to wake up, to be fully lit, and to live my life and do my work from that place of aliveness. We, fellow musicians who have truly known inspiration, can heed this call together, and together we can help guide the world back home to itself. I stand with you, comrades, in this strange and difficult time. I also invite you to seize the opportunity and potential of this time for your own heart’s renewal and for the world’s as well. We will get through this together. When we are finally able to gather again and make sounds together once more, we will know an unspeakable joy and we will feel a deep and profound gratitude, more than ever before, for the gift of music and for each other. In the meantime, take good care of yourselves and each other, and may this be 0 a time of rebirth, remembrance, and awakening for us all. Craig Hella Johnson is a Grammy-winning conductor and Artistic Director of Conspirare, Music Director of Cincinnati Vocal Arts Ensemble, and Artist in Residence at Texas State University. He was designated State Musician of Texas in 2013. An active composer and arranger, his works are published through G. Schirmer, Hal Leonard, and Alliance.
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