The Your Daddy since 1903 Vol. 17 Issue 1255121354434 Dewey Defeats Truman Philip Seymour Hoffman Fab New Band From U.K.
For all first year students who After a freak run in with an alien have not yet found the pool on life-form over the weekend, UFV campus, there will be a guided Political Science professor David tour on Wednesday April 1st. Macdonald seems to be making a The pool can be found on the full recovery. The creature, which roof above the gymnasium, and is yet to be identified, latched itself anyone who wishes to attend is onto his face, and stayed there for asked to remember their towel over a day before detaching and and sunblock. The tour will be promptly dying. Macdonald says running all day, so whenever the experience was surreal, and you get a chance head over to aside from some stomach pain he gym. The roof can be accessed is still having, he is glad to be back through the door labelled "mainon his feet. He has a planned din- tenance" (which will be renamed ner with the crew in the mess hall soon to remove confusion). tonight at 18:00. toll-free at 1-888-504-7441 local 4456.
.,B.rtttanyWiesner
TheCascadeis
LocalNewsBriefs FREE DEGREES! On Sunday March 29th, the Student Union Society will be hosting their annual "Spin Your Future" event at UFV's Abbotsford Campus. From noon until 4 pm, students will be able to spin the wheel and receive whatever degree the needle lands on. Be sure to bring your student card to be eligible to spin. Last year, Fred Savage, who had been a first year general studies student, spun and won a degree in Business administration, in Aviation, and a bonus Master of Arts degree in Criminal Justice. He said his experience at "Spin Your Future" was "bad ass." Come on out, and see what field you will be a professional in! Vidal phoned me and said 1 "Darling. That edlltorial was lilke a forgettable midseason eJ?rnodeof Battlestar Gafactica. AH politics, no action and you don't even get to see Gais Baltar have sex with that blonde chiclk." Obviously he didn't recognize my brilliance, but I forgive him since we are such wonderful friends. It ~s har~ to .lkeep UP. wntllng llnspllfatmnal prose. Every weelk I'm forced to produce something almost as wonderful and amazing as Pd written the weelk before. Despite the incredible pressure that Pm under I always mana~e to come through tor all of you little people. For inspiration I normf1Hy stay up I~te, smolkllQg dope Wlltlli UFV President Slkip Bassford, and watd:iing Undergrad reruns. Last night he wasn't available. I don't lknow about you but I always mistalke Slkip for PhiliQ Sey:mour Hoffman. lL shall miss him when he's gone. I've dedded that the world should listen to us university follks.We are, after-aH the nexus of wisdlom andl philosophy. which is reflected bythe fact that this institution constandY. invites Gordon Campbell to camJP.US. If he wasn't so aolorable, Pd wonder if he was trying to be Ililke me. But let's get down to brass taclks. You are here to read my words. My awesome words. These words that I string together in things called sentences, which I then collect together into David Macdonald is Tour of the Pool Healing Well
ews My Words. My AwesomeWords.
Thurs, April 2 noon to 1 pm Abby, F125 dumps called paragrapfis. They all come together and at the end you acquire wisdom. Or, at the very: least, you leach wisdom from the awesomeness that is me.
Being The Editor of an almost mediumsized, and obviously brilliant campus newspaper rn no mean feat. In fact, it is the hardest job lln the entire world. You do realize that we don't send this stuff to a printer. I print it myseff. In my body. Wfiat you are holding in~your hands is mI creatmn. I made it. It s mine. In fact, I've suddenJ!ydedded you are not fit to read m_y awesome words. 'l 'hey're mine. Why are you still readin~ them? You must obey me! Stop it! Very: well then, read if you insist. I can't reaHy bfame you. They are my words ana that malkes them awe~om~, ~nd llfresrntllble.completely Missing Pet Constrictor Dr. Barbara Moon, head of UFV's Biology department asks staff and students to keep an eye out for her beloved pet boa constrictor "Huggy." He was last seen with Dr. Moon's assistant John Grafkin who was taking him on his daily walk through D building. Dr. Moon would also like to speak with Mr. Grafkin who hasn't been seen for the past few days and is not answering his phone or returning calls. If anyone knows the whereabouts of either Huggy or Mr. Grafkin they are asked to contact Dr. Moon as soon as possible. Huggy is very friendly, but should be kept away from small children or those unable to defend themselves. cascade.:h:iei@ufv,ca Money Launderer
The Cheerleader A.M. Bois Gigolo Michael Long Migrant Worker H.A.Hogeterp !I Cawpy Editor A.MBois Sporty Spice Terry Singh Street Walkers PaulFalardeau Suzanhe KitteU Welters Gypsy agesCopiers onr,ad Suzanne Kittell Blhid EyeTurned By Coastal.WebP:ress l.JFV'.s·autonomous r. It provi!fesa forum to havetheir journalism
Samantha Gurison Raging Harpy RandonaConrad
DAVIDMILLER COCKBLOCK Sitting by my loyal five-year-old Macintosh computer I pondered wlliat I should write about for this editorial. As you lknow, my editorials are translated in over three hundred languages including Klingon and Flemisli. They are read by millions of people, many of whom are theamong most important on the ffanet. And by you, o course. Most llmpor~ant/yl however, my edlltonarn advance urgent matters that affect us human bein~s on this pfanet we crul Earth, as it floats. In space. So I bend my formidable _ponderip._g talents to tlie conslld= eration of what issue exactly I will blow your minds with this weelk. Only last week, I wrote about the political machinations of the university's mediocratic entity, the Student Union and how it related to Marx's materialist dialectic. Mr. commentary was bnlliant, as andalways, it prompted a response by fhe acdallmed writer and my esteemed friend, Gore Vidal, the American novehst, screenwriter, v.faywright, short~ssayisti story wnter ana politidan.
W]biy is it wise, you say? Well dear young- " lings, it's liecause these words are in P-rint. Furthermore, these printed words are long and often have more than three syllables. Want an example? Well, I could, but I don't want to blow your minds.
Cascade News • ThursdayApril2nd 2009 News 3
The average university student's diet includes four main staples: cigarettes, excessive drinking, fast food/ junk food and coffee. For years this has been thought to be hazardous to one's health, but that has all changed. According to Dr. Lovejoy of the University of America, "Diets high in stimulants and fat are necessary for warding off disease and nourishing the body." Dr Lovejoy is currently in the middle of making his research findings known across North America. He has adopted the term, "Fantastic Four" for the four groups that are missing from most diets. "Americans have been brainwashed to believe that eating right means fruits and vegetables, etc. Really, my studies have shown that individuals who eat diets void of the "Fantastic Four" have shorter, less fun lives." He also encourages people to make sure that they are getting enough from each category, as they work best when combined. Smoking, for instance, temporarily inhibits oxygen from reaching the bloodstream which in turn causes your body to realize how much it needs oxygen to survive. So when oxygen does reach the bloodstream, it gains more from it. Cindy Silicone, a participant in Dr Lovejoy's experiment, shares her experience. "I had problems with my health for many years, but since I have introduced smoking into my diet, I have never felt better! It takes some getting used to but once you fall into a routine, it's almost like you can't go a day without it!" The next group is excessive drinking. Many have heard that a glass of red wine a few times a week has many health benefits. But according to Dr Lovejoy, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Excessive drinking promotes promiscuity, and sexual intercourse is a very effective stress reliever. If it were not for drinking heavily, many sexual encounters would not even occur. Drinking also allows one's brain to be "put on hibernation mode," which is imperative for the brain to file away all the information that it has acquired throughout the day. Fast food and junk food are high in sodium and trans fats, making them not only delicious but nutrient rich. Dr. Lovejoy's colleague, Dr. B. Atman, a leading researcher for fast food chains, says that the body relies on fat and sodium to keep it going. "Our bodies work best when they are working at maximum capacity; similar to how music sounds better when played at a high volume: it's just science." According to Dr Lovejoy and Dr. B. Atman the best choices are french fries, hamburgers with two patties and bacon, onion rings, potato chips and cookies (baked or in batter form). The last category is coffee, or caffeine. The human body is designed to be dependant on substances. The most beneficial is caffeine. Dr. Lovejoy says that when one reaches the point where they need caffeine to function, they are at their healthiest, since their own bodies do not have to worry about producing feel-good hormones. The best way to get caffeine is either drinking 8 or more cups of coffee (making sure .that large amounts of sugar are added), or directly taking caffeine pills. Most university students are already following this diet, and according to Dr. Lovejoy, "We need to encourage children as young as 12 to get on this diet plan. And to those who feel like it may be too late to make a change, all it takes is a little bit of discipline and in no time you will be on your way to a healthier you." For those who may feel stranded and unsure of where to start, here are a few easy to follow steps: -start smoking king size is best -cut back on your vegetable and fruit intake -order doubles instead of singles while drinking -instead of drinking water, drink coffee -if at all possible, limit physical exercise Following these steps may seem difficult at first, so do not be discouraged if you find yourself reverting back to your old diet ways. After a few weeks, you will be feeling better and increasing your quality of life at the same time.
BRITTANYWIESNER STREETWALKER
Timmy Ihomps?n, responsible for government-adopted recession plan
lowers sign people up under them and so on. You make money based on how many people you have under you. If you sign up four people, and they each sign up four people and those people sign up four people, the number begins to increase exponentially.
PyramidSchemes:the Jobs of the Future
Studiesprovealcoholandcigarettesbeneficialtohealth
The nature of the business that you are engaging in is typically ambiguous, which, as Dr. Moola explains, is to benefit the average employee. This way they don't need to do too much thinking. Val Canthole, a devout multi-level marketer says that, "Multi-level marketing is not about thinking, it is about helping you make money! It's so easy and you start making money right away!" Dr. Moola points out that the key to getting people to sign up underneath Unhealthyis the new Healthy you is to create opportunities to talk with people whom you think would be good multi-level marketers. Good ways to open up conversations are commenting that they look like someone you know or asking them for help with your purchase. From there you can assess whether or not they would be interested in what you are trying to sell. Remember to stay mysterious about what exactly it is that you do so that they will come to you to answer their questions. Dr Moola says that you don't have to be particularly smart, good-looking or capable to have a career as a Pyramid Schemer. "Look at Val, honestly, if she can do it, anyone can." Well said Dr. Moola, well said.
Multilevelmarketingproducing$80,000-$400,000/yearforthoseinvolved THEGYPSY STREETWALKER D uring times of economic uncertainty many begin to worry about whether they will be able to keep their job or not. According to CBC News, 129,000 jobs were lost Canada-wide in January alone. This sort of loss puts thousands of people back out into an already small market. Because of these reasons, many specialists are encouraging people to get into multi-level marketing. "Multi-level marketing or 'pyramid schemes' are the jobs of the future," says economist, Dr. Young Moola. "Pyramid schemes are so great because they require little thought only an open mind." Most people that are part of a Pyramid Scheme make between $80,000$400,000/ year. "The reason more people do not get involved with this sort of business venture is the social stigma that is attached. People hear the word 'scheme' and they are immediately scared off. Little do they know that 'scheme' comes from the Latin word 'scio' which is translated: to know or to understand." Multi-level marketing generally works in a pyramid-style model. The person who starts it up is on top and, as they gain followers, people are added underneath them, then those folTimmy's Recession Plan
Last week Stephen Harper announced his new plan to help Canada's economy. The government has been in a state of crisis while trying to alleviate the strain the recession is causing average Canadians. The Prime Minister excitedly reported that the Con~ervatives have found a solution which sprung from the ingenious mind of his top advisor a six year old named Timmy Thompson. Thompson has been a resident of Edmonton, Alberta for six years and had not noticed the decline in the economy. "My lemonade business has been steady all summer and even in the winter," he told CBC news. Upon hearing of the recession, Thompson thought of a revolutionary plan to change the face of the economy. "Why not make the candies cheaper? Then we'd all have more money. And if you need any extra, I won monopoly junior last night against my brother you can have some of mine. And I only sell my lemonade for a twentyfive. Everyone should do that. " With those simple statements, Thompson helped Harper hatch his brilliant plan. Harper has been in talks with convenience store workers all over Canada discussing the decrease of penny candies, and other treats. Harper is convinced this will help our economy. "If we lower the price of the little things, then everyone can spend, um yah know, more money on the big important things," Harper was quoted saying. He spoke with gas stations all over the country and has asked them to go one step further and not only reduce the prices of candy and lemonade but also the price of slushies, chips and gum. Harper has been in talks with many of his top advisors for months now, trying to figure out a way to help Canada's economy. "We have all spoken about increasing taxes or lowering costs of major purchases, but Harper is convinced that this will give the economy its much needed boost," stated Roger Smith, an assistant to one of the Cabinet Ministers. "He's already given all the Cabinet Ministers large bonuses in preparation for the increase in money the government will receive." Thompson's parents, Nancy and Phil, are lucky enough to have recession proof jobs. Phil owns a liquor store/pub and Nancy works at the pub full time. They have been able to raise Timmy and his older sister Amy easily through the recession. "I always knew our Timmy was a genius," Nancy Thompson told the press. "It's a truly brilliant idea. I can't believe it's never been thought of before," Phil added. Overall, Timmy Thompson's idea has been well received. Harper even wants to speak to President Obama, the United Kingdom's Prime Minister Gordon Brown, and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev. Harper and the rest of the Canadian government are convinced this little change will help create a stronger and more prosperous Canadian economy.
THEGYPSY STREETWALKER
BCIT grads are at the forefront of health sciences treatment and research, advancing the state of practice and caring for our communities. Enrol in one of our programs and join a growing network of health sciences professionals who are skilled, knowledgeable, and committed to their work. Providing innovative health sciences education is our passion. It can be your future. Learn more or apply at bcit.ca/health. Another concerned voter, a firstyear history student thinks we owe it to Mushroom to give him a chance. "There's been a lot of controversy in the Fraser Valley over the years with mushroom barns." She thinks Mushroom is a sign of the changing times. "We all complained about the farms, but no one minded taking advantage of the mushrooms. We have put these poor fungi through a lot of, well, shit. I'm proud to vote for Mushroom, he took that shit and turned it into a nutritious fruiting body, he came through it all. He grew out of it." Still, the other veggies didn't take to Mushroom's heartwarming tale of adversity overcome. Instead they have brought to light some nasty dirt from Mushroom's past. A lot of the controversy stems from the fact that he's not really a vegetable at all. In fact, he's not even a practicing member of the Plantae Kingdom which all other candidates subscribe to. Mushroom is part of the Fungi Kingdom. A movement has been founded, the Mixed Vegetable Alliance (MVA), which protests the involvement of non-plant participants.
Cascade News • ThursdayApril2nd 2009
UFV's resident mycologist backs the argument, agreeing that Mushroom is a Fungus and therefore not a part of the Plant kingdom. "Saying a mushroom is a plant is just as ludicrous as saying that a crab or a chicken or even a human is a plant," the mushroom specialist insisted. However, he did refuse to comment on whether he thought these were grounds to dismiss the Mushroom campaign. He also pointed out that Tomato isn't a vegetable either, but the Tomato campaign has yet to comment on that allegation. Others were not silent; saying that if Mushrooms weren't allowed to run for official vegetable what would be next, no root vegetables using the same watering can as leafy greens? No orange plants mixing with red ones? Most candidates have remained silent on the issue, not wanting to say the wrong thing as allegations have been flying on who started the anti-fungal movement. The anti-fungal movement has escalated to violence: one innocent Shitake was dosed with Tea Tree Oil, a natural fungicide. One candidate that was available for interview was Peas. "I don't know where this hate came from. I'm a legume, you're a fruit, and Mushroom is a Fungus. I say, so what? My philosophy here is that we just give Peas a chance."
4 News <<PlaceTitle Here>>
Mushroom a SymbolofHopeandStrife PAULFALARDEAU STREETWALKER The vegetable elections at UFV has already become a heated battle of green titans. As a consequence, we have seen some increasingly dicey activity on the cutting board that is the UFV electoral system. This election in particular has become something of a pressure cooker for the involved vegetation. Although criticised at first as "Useless," "Annoying" and "Unnecessary" by some students, still others commented "We have an official vegetable?" Naysayers and supporters alike were soon to discover this would be anything but your garden variety election. Things quickly heated up after the candidates were announced. The obvious front-runners are Tomato (with proposed vice-veggie Toe-mah-toe trailing his every move), Corn (a heavy favourite with Chilliwack students) and of course that old standby, Potato, running on a platform of taking vegetables out of the sidekick position a place Potato has ruefully filled all too often. Still among the wild campaign promises and kissing of seeds, some of the vegetables had time to separate just who they thought should run for UFV's official vegetable. Mushroom, a relatively inexperienced newcomer to UFV's political circuit experienced a quick rise in popularity with college students who found the feisty fungus to be both charismatic and inspirational. Not to mention the group of students who have been embracing Mushrooms for years for strictly "medicinal" purposes. "I just think it's time for a change," said one eager Political Science major. "Mushroom represents that change, he's not that boring old form of vegetation. He's versatile: you can put him on a steak, stuffed mushrooms make him the star (take that potato!), and what about mushroom soup?" Get the applied skiIls you need to join the workforcesooner.
Rickshaw for the Valley H.A.HOGETERP MIGRANTWORKER Recent complaints about poor transit in the valley are not falling on deaf ears. In fact, one transit activist group believes that they have stumbled upon the solution: rickshaws. Rickshaw for the Valley started at the Zachary Mudge University, and activists argue that transportation by rickshaw is the solution for our congested roadways, pollution laden air, and difficult to navigate transit systems. Jill Beaker of Rickshaw for the Valley says that the rickshaw, along with the horse-drawn carriage and dogsled, were once the predominant forms of transportation in the Fraser Valley. She says, "Before cars, rickshaw was the way to go. Folks with more money could afford a team of horses or dogs during the winter months, but for everyone else, it was rickshaw. Or walking." Unlike previous propositions, such as rail or improved bus systems, rickshaw has been taken up by the politicians. "We firmly believe that rickshaw is the most efficient, most viable, bestest option for public transportation in the Fraser Valley," said Kenneth Faulkner, B.C.'s Transportation Minister. "Also," he adds, "there is the added benefit of creating a great deal of employment with rickshaw since it's primarily human powered. This will help get people off the streets and in front of rickshaws on the street." Some of the arguments against rickshaw have come from people who say that we don't have the population density for rickshaw service to work. However, the Fraser Valley is one of the fastest growing regions in Canada and the population has increased tenfold since the 1930's when rickshaw use was widespread. "With unemployment as it is, and the current recession," says Transit Finance Officiator George Muffienumbers, "not everyone will be able to afford to drive, but everyone will be able to afford rickshaw." Farmer McDonald commented on the density question as well. "Oh yeah, the soil in the Fraser Valley here is really dense. I can hardly get my tractor through it some days, but I guess that'd make it good for rickshaw so that you know, the wheels won't get stuck too easy or anything. If it were sand or mud they might get stuck, but with this heavy, dense, clay soil, rickshaw will do just fine." Already Rickshaw for the Valley is making headlines. The media has been buzzing about it and several politicians have jumped the gun. There is still some resistance from the federal government who does not believe that it's a viable form of transportation. So far, no funding has been forthcoming, but what else is new. "Frankly," says Jill Beaker, "In Ottawa they're just jealous that we get to ride around in rickshaw while they're stuck running behind dogsleds." You can find more information about Rickshaw for the Valley or get involved in some of their egg-throwing and toilet papering campaigns at www.rickshawforthevalley.com.
Cascade News• Thursday April 2 nd 2009 a·,m· T·····r····nk·········• · •.'1.lw;..;.•..•... · do:rs·forth.e -er Valley.·l" ., ;J and g&mt money! 0,$10,000 mOJI& (lr~cmSdai'saweek)I ClskPaf.dl)dy,.. ,,mto $111/dayl ao.,..aae..a:ru News 5 IMPARK IN HELL SARAHWELTERS STREETWALKER A s of May 1st, there will be someone new controlling the parking situation in Hell. The contract, which had previously belonged to Diamond Parking, was up for renewal as of March 15th. With several different companies bidding on the contract, it is no surprise that the winner is Impark. In a press release from Thursday March 26th 2009, Impark issued a statement in regards to their recent contract with Hell. "We are very pleased to be working in such close proximity to one of the greats. We really think that this business move is the most successful way for us to work towards the goals that we've always had as a company. If there's one person we look up to, it's Satan. He does such wonderful work, and we will do our best at making each of our sites as close to hell as we can get," said Kevin Screwtape, spokesman for Impark. In a ceremony on March 28th, the contract was officially awarded to Impark by Beelzebub himself. The Dark Lord was not available to make a statement in regards to the new partnership; howeyer, a minion was able to lend us insight on the condition that his identity be kept classified. "Impark thinks that they are only getting into this contract for five years, but everyone down here knows that a deal with the devil, no pun intended, never works like that. They're in this for good. Impark has literally signed their souls over to him." Upon closer inspection of the contract between the Prince of Darkness and his new whore, the board has agreed to, along with monitoring the parking situation in Hell, give a monthly sacrifice of one(1) virgin, and three(3) children under the age of six(6). In addition to these clauses there are stipulations that, at some point in the duration of the contract, each of the board members will sacrifice their first born child to the Dark Lord, and one female employee will be chosen by the board and will be forced to rent her womb to the Devil to birth the Anti-Christ. Impark will not be taking over their duties until the first of May. Until then, employees are dedicating their efforts toward inventing paper to write parking tickets on that can survive the intense heat of the fiery pit. Seeing as no mortal employee would be able to survive the working conditions that are described as "somewhat hazardous," Impark is looking to expand their ranks to include some of the Devil's very own henchmen. For any further information, or to submit an application, visit www.festeringinferno.com/parking. The rates for parking, while still not official are rumored to be ungodly.
The University of the Fraser Valley's Student Union Society has been dealing with some problems in regards to the recent student elections. There are several positions that are up for grabs, including that of President of the SUS, VP Academic, and VP Social. The Student Union Society has decided that this year, due to the amount of debate surrounding the appointment of certain positions, all votes are to be disregarded and the election shall in fact be decided by a cage match. To settle the debate, the SUS will be hosting the cage match on the green on April 2nd 2009. To resolve the President situation, the cage matches will start out with Duncan MacGregor battling Drew Stapleton, with the winner moving on to battle Lewis Van Dyk. The winner of that match will then go on to battle Windy Toby Solla, followed by Jack Brown. VP East will be decided by a feat of strength between Justin Morgan and Amara Vanderveen, in which the contestants will be asked to throw a tree. Whichever contestant can launch the tree the farthest wins not only title Vice-President East, but will win the hearts of the people. VP academic shall be determined by a battle of wits. Cary Elwis will be present with special guest, Wallace Shawn, to test the contestants. The winner will be the decided by who has the greater tolerance to iocane. The contest is between Chelsea Lillbeck, Natalie Walker and Ahmed Hussein. May the most criminal Australian win. In the case of VP Social, a position of utmost importance at UFV, a simple cage match will not do. Due to the special nature of this position, the winner will be settled by whoever is able to swallow a fire-hot broadsword.
Candidatesbattle it outonthegreen
Yes, of course. Developing the theory of evolution is very impressive, how did you come up with it? How did it feel? Well, that fact kind of makes the rest of questions pointless. Oh, very nice. Well thank-you very much for this very honest interview."Well, it was great. I got my buddy William so bad!" "No, no ask them. I'll answer like evolution is real." "Oh, no problem. Thanks for having me."
Captain PlanetRunsfor Green Party KYLEHUNTLEYmine. I plan to allow Gi to head --------~~~~~~the SUCKER water cleanup project, backed by T he Green Party of Canada announced yesterday that Captain Planet will be running for Green Party leader. Backed by his group of supporters, the Planeteers, he believes he is the man for the job. In a press conference yesterday Cpt. Planet opened the floor to comments and questions. When asked about his policies he replied: "Looten Plunder and other major corporate leaders have been allowed to rape out beautiful planet for too long. We need to live in peace with Gaia, and keep our planet alive. Cleanup projects of our lakes and waterways will be a major aim of Kwame who will be in charge of reviewing mining operations that may be dumping illegally. Gi and Kwame will be in the forefront of our corporate watch." When asked about the current leader, Elizabeth May, Cpt. Planet replied: "Elizabeth May has no sturdy earth to stand upon. No way to fire up the people. No wind to fill the sails of her dreams. Her policies leave your mouth dry and without water. She does not have the heart to back her ideals. I am the right candidate, and with these powers combined I will ensure changes. I am Captain Planet."
The Planeteers have set up offices word that the people "Have the power," and should get up and vote. Your planet depends on it. consumption contributes to the de- across the country, and are spreading struction of the planet through trash and wasting of resources. Hoggish Greedly has been arrested on twenty accounts of polluting and yet still remains out of prison. Perhaps Mr. Greedly was able to stave off prison time due to a friend on the inside." "I promise the people that I will make scum like Greedly and Rigger repay society for their wrongdoing and end corporate corruption. I will also revamp the Canadian sewage and treatment facilities to recycle and reuse much of the waste that we carelessly flush down the drain a project that current leader May has long been neglecting." "This neglect is not surprising considering that she receives massive subsidies from Mr.Skumm and Mr. Sludge who are both notorious for profiting off of waste disposal. I will not allow this to stand. I am Captain Planet." Polls show that Cpt. Planet is leading in popularity for the Green college pro PAINTERS
6 News Cascade News• Thursday April 2 nd 2009
"Oh I destroyed it. If there was a widespread solution to death, then my book would be useless. I had to keep sales up, didn't I?" "When you have 10 children and a depressed wife you will look for any reason to get out of the house. And this seemed most fun." "Sounds relaxing. STREETWALKER "It is; I bought my wife and children a different island." Last week Charles Darwin stopped in for a quick interview with the Cascade News to promote his book. I was able to ask him a couple questions.
SUMMER JOBS
COLLEGE PRO PAINTERS is presently looking for responsible / hardworking University or College students for: Full-Time Painting Positions May August No experience required, we will train you to 1)aint. Positions available in your area. If interested call 1-888-277-9787 or apply online at www.collegepro.com
BRITTANYWIESNER
SARAHWELTERS STREETWALKER
Cpt. Planet continued to address the press with increasing vigor. The topic of pollution and mass consumption was brought up, and Planet responded enthusiastically. "Mass party and has scheduled a debate against long time Liberal opposition, Duke Nukem, and his Pro nuclear waste dump approach.
The Cascade and Darwin Hello Mr. Darwin, you're looking well. How are you? "Good. Tired. I feel like I need a nap." How old are you now? "200 as of February." Wow, congrats, how did you manage to live so long? "As you know I discovered the origin of the species and the methodology of evolution. After that, finding the fountain of youth was actually pretty simple." Where is it? Pardon me? "Yeah well, see I actually made up the theory to screw with an old buddy of mine. Turns out it worked, and now everyone believes me and I've never had the heart to tell the world. I have told some people, but they never seem to make it public. I think they prefer to believe in evolution over God." Oh, wow! But what about the finches you discovered? They clearly had differences depending on the island they came from. Actually they were all from the same island. I just felt like splitting them up." And why was that? What is the weirdest animal or species you have come across? "The platypus. And cats they're just so moody." And is there anything you wish didn't evolve? "Again, the platypus, I mean really, what the hell type of animal is it?" Yes, it is odd. So what have you been up to in last hundred years or so? "Bought an island. It's in South America, it's pretty nice there. I watch Dr. Phil, Graham Norton and Oprah. I take care of my pet finches and my dog Noah, the beagle."
SUS ElectionNomineesGet Physical
The match comes down to Craig Hornischfeger and Matt Oates: may the best man swallow. There are several candidates that are running unopposed. For VP-Finance candidate Chelsea Waterton, VP-International candidate Jennifer Nelson, International Rep candidate Clark Wu, candidate for Disabilities Rep Debbie Ellis, and Rep at Large candidates Sarah Enns, Violet (ChaoXia) Liu, Jay Mitchell, Curtis Penner, Ryan Petersen, John Rodger, and Alicia Stewart, there will be a cook-off. The recipe is to be decided at the time of the competition. Contestants will have one hour to gather ingredients and another hour-and-a-half to cook. Due to the fact that the contestants are running unopposed, there will not be a traditional "winner" (although a ribbon will be awarded to best chef). The purpose of the cookoff is to allow students to taste the cooking of the contestants, and then judge from there whether or not they seem appropriate for office. Join the SUS candidates on the Green on April 2nd to watch them battle, not only for a position in school politics, but for their lives.
I am an avid reader of your exceptional newspaper, and would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the hard work and dedication that you commit in providing UFV and the surrounding communities with an objective, informative and inspiring weekly issue. I realize that your staff are all students first, and first rate reporters and editors second. With that in mind, it is amazing that you are able to produce such a high calibre newspaper every week. Your news section is relevant, motivating and edgy. The opinion section continually reflects sound perspectives and interesting views. Your arts and life section is fresh with content about a swath of local artists, events, music and movies. The sports section puts the reader in the front row of all the exciting sporting events that UFV has to offer, and the stuff section continually provides students with frighteningly accurate horoscopes, and tasty, original recipes. The only criticism I could have of your fine paper is that your staff works too hard. To produce a paper of such calibre, with so few, part-time poorly paid staff is mind boggling. Give yourselves a break! The last thing any of us devoted readers want is to find out that the staff has worked themselves dry. Take a breather once in a while and bask in the greatness that is your newspaper! I for one would be willing to buy any staff member of the Cascade a beer at Casey's any time they like and encourage other UFV students to do the same. In fact, I don't think it's too far to even suggest that a tip box be placed outside of the Cascade office (even though I'm sure the humble staff would bashfully demand it's removal) so that students of all scholarly pursuits can give their thanks in a monetary fashion. So, to all of the other dedicated readers of the Cascade, let's thank this phenomenal staff by bringing them some baked goods, bottles of fine liqueurs and other gifts which they undoubtedly deserve. All we should ask for in return is more of the same gold that the Cascade prints off every thrilling week. Cascade staff: from the bottom of my heart, and subsequently my wallet, I thank you for your objective beacon of a newspaper and look forward to many more years of award worthy reporting! yourself in the event of an attack before this proposal can reach its full effect. Have a place to stay and keep strict rules about who you let in. A zombie attack is no time to be compassionate. Pick a couple people to stay with, stock up the cellar and stay in it. Don't answer the door. Ever. It is also a good idea to ensure that those with whom you are hiding are eligible candidates for repopulation. Keep weapons handy, but never forget that in the case of no escape, you should always keep a small gun loaded with at least two bullets. There's no reason that your demise should lead to a bigger threat. Shoot to end the recruit. When the zombies close in, first shoot the one you love, then yourself.
CascadeNews• ThursdayApril 2nd 2009
Abortion as birth control is the ultimate pro-choice; it's a way for women to choose what happens to their own body. They aren't subjecting themselves to chemicals, and they don't have to be responsible for supplying the condoms that they don't even use. They have the benefit of deciding to allow birth if something changes. For example, a woman whose partner has just died can be relieved that a part of him will live on, and choose not to prevent birth. If they had been preventing conception, that choice wouldn't have been open to her, and she would have lost the genetic material of her beloved partner forever. Women seeking pregnancy and the resulting birth will have an easier time of it as well. Men can no longer insist on a condom, and when a woman informs them that she's using abortion, they have nothing left to say. If she then decides that she's ready to be a mother and chooses continue the pregnancy, it is completely her choice. What's more natural and convenient than that?
SUZANNEKITTEL STAFFWRITER Y ou're mourning the loss of a loved one. Dead and buried. You're sitting on your porch swing reminiscing about that person you once held so dear. You look up from your mug of tea and see something moving in the distance. Closer. Closer. Oh shit. Zombie uprising. Don't act surprised, you've been receiving warnings in the guise of entertainment for years. You grab an Ml and get ready to defend your brains. But hold on, this one looks familiar. It's your recently departed. Now you have to either shoot your zombie love, or allow yourself to be ripped apart in the foolish assumption that it might recognize you. It won't. This situation is something we've all thought about, and something we hope never to encounter. I present to you not only a simple solution to the dilemma, but perhaps an eventual eradication of the zombie attack threat. We need to start shooting our dead. Everyone knows that the one way to kill a zombie is to destroy its brains. So, why haven't we started a pre-emptive strike on the brains of corpses? I mean, seriously .let's recognize the one advantage we have over the undead: time. The zombies haven't arisen yet, but it's a threat that hovers over our heads every day. We've got the time and manpower to put a serious dent in the number of zombies that will one day destroy our world, as we know it. First, let's discuss the more feasible portion of this proposal. To reduce and eliminate the chances that you will ever have to fight off the zombie version of a person you once loved, as well as to spare them the horror of becoming a zombie, shoot them in the head. Not when they're alive of course, but after they die. Once all of the proper procedures have been carried out, right before burial...a bullet in the head will keep them dead. I for one, know that I will do this for the people I love and care for and sincerely hope that those who love me would do the same. Let's allow our loved ones to die with dignity, by ensuring that they never come back with a fever for brains.
Dear The Cascade FAEKEYMcFAKERSON CONTRIBUTOR
A Shot to the Head Keeps Them Dead
Abortion is the New Birth Control BEKAHDUPREY RESIDENTACTIVIST So Planned Parenthood has finally caught on, and is advocating abortion as birth control. They should have figured that out years ago! Abortion is the ideal lifestyle choice for the forgetful or indecisive couple. No pills to remember, and if you realize that you're ready to be parents, you're already on your way. Do you ever forget to take your birth control? You've heard that the !hot may have long-term complications, or find condoms and diaphragms uncomfortable, spermicide messy, and IUD's frightening and painful? No worries! Just forget about all of that unnecessary crap. Patricia Whetlock, assistant director of Planned Parenthood stated on Thursday that "abortion is being recognized for the convenience and comfort it provides. It is the ultimate, natural way to prevent birth." , The argument that preventing birth is actually more natural and thus easier on our bodies than preventing conception has been gaining momentum in the scientific community. Dr. Sheryl Green, a woman's doctor local to Abbotsford, has been advocating abortion as birth control for years. "I tell all my patients, conception is a natural result of sexual relations, it's healthy! Women glow when they conceive." According to Dr. Green, conception gives women a boost of healthy hormones and increases their energy levels. As long as birth is prevented after conception, there's no harm done to women's health. Green points out that "women feel more sexy after conception, their breasts usually grow and become more sensitive they feel great. It's positive all around."
Now, let's talk about the big picture. There must be an overwhelming amount of dead bodies buried around the world, many in places that nobody even knows about. This may seem like an impossible task. but I believe that we could one day lay all of our dead to rest with bullet holes in their heads. If from this point on, all dead are shot, and if there were to be a government/ vigilante squad enlisted to unearth the dead and shoot them, well we could save our asses and our brains. Yes, I know that we could never reach all of the dead to shoot them and this does mean that the zombie threat will never completely go away. However, we can significantly reduce the size of the undead attack. You should still be aware of how to defend
Abortion is a natural option: they occur in nature to prevent the inconvenience and discomfort of birth, and women's bodies are evolved to handle abortions. What we aren't prepared to handle is the chemicals in many contraceptives. Some 72% of women experience mood swings, physical problems, or even psychosomatic episodes from taking birth control pills! Messing with your hormones that way is unnatural. Conception leads to many of the same hormones that are produced by pills or the shot, and it's completely natural. There are healthy, trying couples who don't conceive for months or even years, so why not risk it? After conception you're guaranteed up to 24 weeks of conception-free sex (since the deed is already done) and you'll feel sexier for it. If you're eager to begin the cycle again, just go and have the pregnancy terminated you'll be up and running in no time. It's absolutely the ideal solution.
4. To make sauce, beat the tomato paste into the cooking stock and boil down rapidly until the liquid is reduced to 1 1/2 cups. Take off the burner and beat in the flour-butter mixture. Bring to a boil again, stirring, for 1 minute. Salt and pepper as desired. 5. Arrange the caramelized onions and sauteed mushrooms around the brains and strain the sauce over them. Serve immediately. Serve with rice or with parsley potatoes and green beans for an authentic French taste. Fried Baby Brains
Zombie Survival 101
Directions 1. Bring the wine and stock to a boil with the herbs and garlic. 2. Add the brains, bring to a simmer, and cook uncovered for 20 minutes. 3. Allow the brains to cool in the soaking liquid for 20 minutes so they absorb flavour and firm up. Drain them, slice into 1/2" slices and arrange in a serving dish.
BRITTANYWEISNER STREETWALKER
2. Beat the egg in a shallow dish and put the bread crumbs in another shallow dish. Dip the brain pieces into the beaten egg and than the bread crumbs covering well. Add breaded pieces to a large skillet of hot oil or a deep fryer and brown. 3. Place on platter, garnish with lemon slices and parsley, serve immediately.
BrainRecipes
& ife Cascade News • Thursday April 2 nd 2009
Cervelles en Matelote A famously French recipe. Ingredients •2 cups red wine •l cup stock •1/4 teaspoon thyme •4-5 sprigs parsley •l bay leaf •l garlic clove, mashed •l 1/2 lbs brains, soaked and peeled •1/2 tablespoon tomato paste •2 tablespoons flour, mashed to a paste with 2 tablespoons of softened butter .20 small white pearl onions, caramelized •l/2 lb fresh mushrooms, sauteed in 2 tablespoons butter
Children's brains are nice and tender, they need very little preparation and simple frying will suffice. In~redients •2 children's brains (ages 2-8 work best) •salt and pepper, to taste •l egg, beaten •l cup breadcrumbs •oil (for frying) •l lemon, sliced for garnish •fresh parsley for garnish Directions 1. In a large bowl of cold water soak brains for 1 hour. 2. Drain, remove membrane, and cook in a big pot of salted water for 5 minutes. Remove, cool, and cut each one into three parts.
The first thing I do upon entering a building is slowly take in the overall structure of the room and building. I locate all exits and any objects that could be used as a fatal weapon. I do all these things for one reason: zombies. Don't laugh. They are a real and imminent threat. North America, because of recent activities, has become increasingly worried about natural disasters like hurricanes and earthquakes. Americans in particular are terrified of any threat to national security. But North Americans are overlooking the greatest danger of all: the threat of zombies. After all, once hell is full the dead will roam the earth. Here are some tips on how to survive a zombie attack: First: Find all the good hiding places, places where you can squeeze in tight and won't be seen. Stock up on water, flashlights, and non perishable foodstuffs. If you're lucky enough to live in an older neighbourhood and someone has a nuclear fallout shelter, become friends with them so you can use it. Begin to collect ammunition and rifles. This is Canada, so most likely a neighbour will have a lot of hunting rifles, even if your family doesn't. Learn how to use one and make it fast. Beware of places where lots of people hang out: malls, freeways, community centres, Wal-marts, and so forth as the zombies will go there first. The best way to immobilize a zombie is a gunshot to the head or, failing that, decapitation but try not to let it get to that. Hand-to-hand combat with a zombie is not going to turn out in your favour, especially when the zombies are people from your hometown and then you feel bad for killing nice old Mrs. Roberts from next door. You have to be heartless in battle; these are not the people they resemble. If you know zombies are attacking, book it! Go as fast as you can, as far away as you can. Use a radio to keep up to date on the spread of the attacks and decide where to go from there. If you can't run, hide. Use your excellent hiding spot and begin to hunker down for a long time to wait out the zombie war. Be the leader. If no one else stands up, go I am Legend on the world, and save some lives. Escort people to your well-stocked state-of-the-art hideout, share you water and canned goods, and be ready with the rifle. You could be the next John Connor. If you don't have a large enough hiding spot, go to a giant grocery store, like Superstore, Safeway or even Wal-mart (before the zombies get there). Band together: people are stronger in groups, but make sure that your group is of manageable size and without any major issues within it. You must become a team; you will bond with these people. Resolve all issues to avoid fighting during the attack. Barricade the store with anything you can find and try not to assume any fortifications that you put up will withstand; don't un derestimate the zombies. If you're hunkering down for the long haul, work hard and make absolutely sure that they can't get in. Don't get bitten! You're supposed to be John Connor of the group, and if you became a zombie it would be like if Indiana Jones became a Nazi. Don't run around wearing skimpy, light clothes; wear thick, warm clothes, armour if you can find it. Also wear a protective hat since the key desire of a zombies is to feed on your brains. Even if you're not religious, I suggest praying. It will give you some peace of mind although, if the undead are attacking, God's probably left you shit out of luck. Hopefully the government will have sent reinforcements after some time, and there will be armies sent in to help save the day. In which case you're very lucky and maybe you won't have a The Mist moment, where after everyone's dead, you're saved. If you are going to go into a head-to-head combat with a zombie, first off good luck and don't get scared; secondly, be prepared as it is going to be a long fight. Try stalling them by getting rid of their limbs. Use an object to chop off their head(s) and then you should be safe. I hope these tips help you. If your friend happens to look pale, or maybe has red, puffy eyes, or even smells a bit off perhaps a bit mouldy be wary, better safe than sorry. Zombies are lurking everywhere and they want your brains.
UFV:The Virtual Online Experience
Feminism Reaches Climax
*Spoiler Warning* Your character, midway through the semester, finds out that the government wishes to raise the tuition that you so desperately work for, just so that there can be renovations to a building you don't even care about. Not to give anything away, let's just say this part of the game drags on a little to long, often reducing your character to frustration. The graphics and sounds, though lifelike, are pretty bland. Greys, browns, and a hideous off-pink inundate the screen, and often you'll find yourself lost in the hallways due to the similar appearances of them. The sound design is pretty standard: lots of construction sounds wherever you go, sometimes even popping up at times when you desperately need to concentrate. There are actually three endings to the game. The first is if you make good choices in the game, you're able to graduate and go on to do something fun and exciting with your life. If you make bad choices, stress and the beauracratic process drag you to the point of exhaustion, your character quits school before achieving anything. The last one just keeps going on, where you volunteer for campus programs and continuously remain at the school, taking one or two classes a semester. This extends the hours in the game quite a bit! All in all, the game takes roughly a week to complete. I definitely think that UFV made the right decision in making UFV: the Virtual Online Experience as a recruitment tool. I feel it's accurate to UFV, with gameplay that puts you into the actual experience. This is definitely the kind of game you can play in the back of the class, while your professor lectures on about the most critical point in the course. I suggest everyone pick up this game from Marketing and Communications; you might as well since you and every other student paid for the making of it with your tuition.
ANGELOSTRIKOFF STREETWALKER Just as B-rack Obama's win declared the end of racism in the United States, singer/song-writers The Pussycat Dolls herald the culmination of feministic idealism. Feminists all over the world are taking off their bras in salute to the group for their "bravery in leading women around the world across the threshold from oppression into sexual freedom," says Willow, a representative from The Correct Term is Vulva. TCTV is a non-profit organization which assists women in finding the means to express themselves sexually; other celebrities they endorse are Lindsay Lohan, Pamela Anderson, and Jenna Jamieson. The Pussycat Dolls have been performing together since 1995 when the group came together around one common passion. The girls saw the way that women have been oppressed in our society and dedicated themselves to stopping that behavior. After ten years of performing together for little-to-no money, they finally came onto the scene in full force. In 2005 The Pussycat Dolls released their debut album PCD, and have been on top ever since. They have worked with such artists as Snoop Dog, Dr Dre and Ludacris who have also dedicated their careers to ending the objectification of women. Their latest album, Doll Domination, has been dubbed "the equivalent of Rosa Parks' stand against racism" in Vagina: The Final Frontier magazine. In order to truly understand the genius of these girls and the message that they are pounding into the minds of every young American, we must look at each song individually. Their first single was "Don't Cha," a song that discourages women from pursuing another woman's man. The song also encourages women move past unhappy relationships as there are other fish in the sea. "Beep," performed with will.Lam came out a few months later and its message strongly admonished girls of the importance of sexual boundaries, "Don't you know that no don't mean yes, it means no?" and how pursuing education is sexy, "You got real big brains " Their first ballsy ballad, "Stickwitu" has been talked about as one of the most beautiful songs of our time and many couples chose to use it as their wedding song, for its message of unconditional, everlasting love. Their new album plunges even deeper than the first. After the excitable "When I Grow Up," centered around pursuing your dreams, listeners are thrust into yet another emotional ballad that allows the world to relate to The Pussycat Dolls like never before. Just when listeners weren't sure they could take another round, the Pussycat Dolls revealed their remix of"Jai Ho," showing that the girls are now branching out into humanitarian work. The girls have no intention of shoving anything down anyone's throat, but having conquered feminism, they feel they need to spread out into other noble work. The Pussycat Dolls have accomplished much in their career, but it has come at a high cost. Many accuse the girls of being sell-outs, and rather than empowering women, perpetuating their enslavement. These people are wrong and, God-willing, will one day see the error of their ways. Despite your views on the matter, we can all agree that the girls have a ria that replenishes your health. The only downside is that some of the food can morbidly cripple you with abdominal pain, so the choice of what to eat becomes a quick decision oflife or death. The game basically cycles between collecting coins for school and then attending school. The constant need to survive reminded me of such classic survival-horror games like Resident Evil, Silent Hill, or even PacMan. Eventually though, it becomes a bit easier, but that's when the game throws a wrench into your plans. That wrench is the sick, twisted, and egomaniacal government ruling the campus.
Arts & Life 9
Cascade News • ThursdayApril 2nd 2009 Game Review
The game starts off simply enough at the Create-A-Character screen. You can customize your avatar with everything from your hair to your fine facial features. The graphics are so impressive that you'll often gaze for a while on screen at how lifelike your character looks. My only gripe came from how no matter what your avatar looks at the start the game, by time you're done you'll have a generic face representing a combination of fear, sleep deprivation, and vague nausea. After you make your character, you start the game off by being given a set amount of money you need to pay by September. Besides the usual deposits and tuition, are the fees for registering. All in all, your first mission will require you to gather a lot of money. The fun then comes in the form of the choice you make. Do you get a job that's high in ridicule, low in pay for the summer months, or do you beg your parents for the money? Now some may get to skip ahead in the game if the parents give you the money, otherwise it's off to work. The jobs in the game start out fun, but collecting thousands of coins takes a lot of time and effort. This wouldn't be too bad if you were able to progress through it all without a whole bunch of setbacks. However, things like romance, extracurricular activities, and spare time in general all require coins in some form or another. Expect yourself to have to set aside a lot of what is considered fun in the game for the sake of getting into school. I found that once the story progressed to the actual school, the gameplay really started to liven up. Tension starts to build when three quarters of your group don't do a project and you're faced with the daunting reality of completing it; or when a professor moves a due date for an essay to an earlier date, tons of fun! If you start to become low on health through constant studying and reading, there is a school cafete-
KURTiSSMEJKAL SUCKER Recently the UFV Marketing and Communications department sent in what could possibly be the greatest video game I've ever played. The game, titled UFV: the Virtual Online Experience (PC) attempts to give players a real life depiction into the life of a UFV student. It's bold, and in many ways exciting, but does this recruitment tool really give people the proper information they need when considering enrollment at UFV?
long, hard (at times), throbbing, road that they deserve. ahead of them as they lead millions of women into the freedom and respect
Cascade Classiflieds Abbotsford Apartment. Top floor. Quiet Street.Furnished rooms. References Required. NIP N/S N/Pa, Incl: w/d, cble, int, util. Share kitchen, bathroom, living room with 2 others Close to UFV, Hospital and Bus. $425 and up 604-308-0064
HistoricBandisBasicallyWeezerwithOldGuys
UFV Chilliwack Pride Network is a network of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, queer, and straight tures band members, trousers hitched high, in front of a grey background. The album began when the band was younger, with an average band member age of 65. Now, reaching up to the age of 96, the band feels it's time the world meets Geezer. Of course some songs on Geezer will have a familiar ring to Weezer fans. Many of Weezer's trademark songs are reworked takes on unreleased Geezer songs which, until now were almost impossible to find. Think of it this way, Geezer is to Weezer as African American traditional music is to Led Zeppelin. Classic Geezer song "Pauly Whiteallies. Our mission is to create an awareness of diversity on campus, within the larger community and create a fun, positive, open and non judgemental environment through our meetings and events. Meetings are Mondays room D202 from 11-12. for more info contact Giada at giadacrosbie@hotmail.com.
Landmark
PAULFALOODEAU STREETHOBO
Throughout the history of music there have been all too many bands that have been looked over, lost to the vortex of nameless unsuccessful bands. However, some bands finally hit it big retrospectively when popular bands that they influenced give them the nod. This was true for the Pixies who went largely unnoticed until Kurt Cobain, front man of Nirvana, mentioned his affection for the band. The time has come for another band to crawl from the depths of history and finally claim its rightful place as one of rocks greatest acts.
Geezer Finally
Wow. Me too. Do you have to abbreviate everything? Frankly, I hope your careers are similiarly abbreviated. Srsly. Britney Spears "If You Seek Amy" There's lots I could say, but frankly, it's all been said. Sure, this song is typically terrible trash from Ms. Spears, but honestly, something about making fun of Spears' children is like kicking puppies in the face. Sometimes it's justified, but you just feel terrible afterwards Lady Gaga "Love Game" Is it cliche to make a gagging joke here? No, she is actually awful to look at she is like the human embodiment of camel toe. At first you think it's going to be hot, but the reality of it is just eww. Beyonce "Single Ladies" This song got so much praise from various respectable music and arts publications I kind of expected it might actually be a decent song. The truth, the real, gritty reality of it? This is a boring, repetitive, unoriginal mess. I just don't get it.
PAULFALANANDEAU STREETWALKER T.I. and J.T."Dead and Gone"
The Sound of Ecstacy SUZANNEKITTELL BOOKREADER Every so often, a piece of fine literature comes along that rivals the classics. Shakespeare, Eliot, Stoker, Orwell, and Bronte are all pretty good, but Tigress De la Vulva has blown them out of the water with her latest novel, The Sound of Ecstasy. With superb style and imaginative soul, this book has become an instant classic and will live on forever in the world ofliterature. Clitania Reynolds is an aspiring actress who has moved to Hollywood to start her career. Along the way she meets many men who offer her a little help busting into the film scene if she'll help them bust a nut. Among the men she meets are Randy Johnson, a photographer with a secret collection, Terry Himenn, a director with nothing to lose, and Teddy Fellatio, an agent with a different way of billing clients. As we journey with Clitania through the streets of Hollywood, and through the spirit of the time, we learn as much about ourselves as we do about the characters. With gripping imagery and juicy philosophies, De la Vulva has created a masterpiece. From the moment the reader meets Clitania, she cannot help but truly feel all that she goes through, and all that goes through her. Whether boning up on her lines or being boned up by the director, Clitainia embodies the feeling of a woman who isn't satisfied with the status quo. Randy Johnson, whose "throbbing meat mast towered over Clitania like a tower" is an extremely metaphorical character. His words bring our world into perspective and force us to ponder over what might come next in the time line of humanity. When Randy "pushes his love so far into Clitania" that she "speaks in tongues" one can truly see what De la Vulva was trying to accomplish with this magnificent character.
Looking for a cheap, safe and stylish tattoo? Then henna tattooing JUNKOHANHEROC-KASETTI 2007 that will define literature from this point on. It is an atmospheric parade through life and love, with breathtaking stops along the way. Each word holds within it the secrets that keep us together and pull us apart at the seams. Never has the world been exposed to such an honest exploration man," about the self proclaimed 1920's "King of Jazz" was reworked into "Buddy Holly" by Weezer. Of course, fans will recognize "Say It Ain't So (FDR is Dead)" and "Undone (The Trouser Song)." Sometimes ideals are different for Weezer songs; Weezer's "Surf Wax America" comes from Geezer's "Serve That America" and "Beverly Hills" comes out as "Florida." Still, Geezer does share some of its morals with its erstwhile biggest fans. "Corn Pipe" and "Hash Pipe" both condemned the titular objects but were taken to have a different meaning. "Keep Fishin"' by Weezer was may be right for you! Great for parties, events or any old time, Contact Jessie Somers@ Jessie.Somers@ufv.ca today! Also available for watercolor commissions. Need Hay. Looks like I underestimated how much hay those greedy goats would need for the winter! I need about 10 more bales. Goats are somewhat finicky and prefer finer hay than cows do. Let me know if you have some you can sell delivered preof existence. The Sound of Ecstasy is the only book that q.eed ever be read. It is an instruction manual and a magnifying glass for our times. derived from a Geezer original called "Keep Shootin' (Jerry Ain't Gone Yet)" which shared a similar optimistic tone. Of course, there are some Geezer songs that never were refurbished by Weezer that still appear on The Grey Album. Their folksy racism and constant references to imagined pasts of America define their elderly sound. The first single will be "Liver and Onions" a new tune that is a scathing review of today's music scene. The single will have to satisfy music enthusiasts until The Grey Album drops next month. ferred. I live in Yarrow. Please email June Pitcher at june.pitcher@ufv.ca Website Design www.ezwebs.ca contact info@ezwebs.ca 778.786.1518 Edit your on website easy to use www.moseonline.com contact info@moseonline.com 778.786.1518
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THE BAD THE WORSE & THE UFV SHUFFLE
Terry Himenn provides a foil to Randy and allows the reader to understand the universe and all of its wonders through the eyes of a fallen angel. When Clitainia sees that Terry is "enough man to solve the famine in her third world country" we see that not everything is the way we thought it once was. When he "allows his fertility wand to puncture her very heart" all of life's problems can be clearly examined and rectified. Clitania's agent, however, gives the reader the most fascinating perspective of all. When experiencing his "juice nozzle of pure passion" the reader can and will see the cosmos and all they have to offer from the vantage point of a shooting star that cannot ever stop. The way that Teddy Fellatio "shows Clitania the raw beauty and poetic dimensions of the glass bottom boat" really speaks to our generation and shows us the light. De la Vulva has written the work Releases Album
Geezer is the band. Comprised of four men, young at heart but collecting old age pensions in body. Their upbeat lyrics filled with summery riffs and California beats inspired many bands from Weezer (whose name is a nod to their favourite band), to Rivers Cuomo (who's solo work was inspired by Geezer lead singer, Creeks Elbow). All around, critics have said of Geezer, "Well, what's the point? It's basically a bunch of geriatrics playing half-baked versions ofWeezer songs." Geezer is finally releasing their un released album, simply titled Geezer. The album has been dubbed "The Grey Album," because the cover simply feaBedroom for rent. UFV students only. 10 minute walk to campus. Includes internet, laundry, all appliances, utilities, bed and desk and access to common areas. $550-$650 per month, full term contract only. michaelmorden@shaw or 604-999-5006.
Pussycat Dolls "I Hate this Part" First off, why not try some full words. Are words too good for you?
Cascade News• ThursdayApril2nd 2009
10 Arts & Life BookReview
rsday March 5th 2009 nd 2009
Provincial Championships Yield Emotional Loss Women'sVolleyballFallJustShort l lm~~l!~!W' CascadeNews • WednesdayApril 5th 2006
David Romanda staff.writer The Turin Olympic Committee has assigned a special group to investigate the issue of blood doping in the world famous Austrian ski team. Prosecutors launched their criminal investigations on the ski team's notorious coach, Walter Mayer,who has a history of blood doping. Mayer's charges are based on a dangerous run-in he had with the police and his suspected involvement in the team's blood doping. Walter Mayer was arrested after attempting to flee police who were conducting a routine check. Mayer seemed suspicious to police because he was found sleeping in his car. The Austrian media revealed: "Mayer drove away when woken up by the policemen. He later crashed into a police car set up as a road block to stop him. Mayer reportedly got out unharmed and was arrested. He refused to take a breathalyser test:' The police raid on the Austrian ski team's quarters created quite a stir with the athletes. Coach Walter Mayer was a prime target of the raids because of his previous drug involvement. When police raided the quarters, "an athlete had thrown medical gear, including syringes, out of the window Police found more than one hundred syringes and thirty packs of drugs, including asthma drugs and antidepressants:' Both Wolfgang Perner and Wolfgang Rottmann fled the village during the raid, but it was later reported that nothing illegal had been found in their particular living quarters. World famous alpine skier Hermann Maier reported that the police raids on the athlete's quarters "looked like the manhunt for Osama bin Laden:' Walter Mayer was not caught directly in the raids but has been fired indefinitely from his position for his altercation with the police. Although Austria recently won three gold medals at the games, the media has largely been focussing on their crooked ski coach and the doping scandal.
Turin Blood Doping Scan ......... ~"'!"".""'
Markus Rissiek staff.writer In the first ever BCCAAplayoff appearance by a UCFVvolleyball team, the Cascadewomen went right to the wire with the eventual silver medallists, but fell just short, losing 15-13 in the fifth and deciding set. In quite possibly the biggest heartbreaker of the season, UCFV'swomen took the court on a sunny Thursday afternoon against the #3-ranked Capilano College Blues, with big expectations. Heading into their very first post-season in just their second season as part of the BCCAA,the women occupied the sixth and final playoff spot, and although optimistic, weren't expected to make a big splash in a division sporting four nationally ranked teams. Defying expectations, the women captured the first two sets against Capilano in convincing fashion, winning 25-20 and 25-17, with an energy and vigour seldom seen. Capilano, however, was not about to roll over and concede defeat, and would fight back behind the scoring presence of BCCAA player of the year Jen Dickson, to take the next two sets 25-19 and 25-18. In front of a rapidly growing crowd, the Cascades met Capilano in a fateful fifth and deciding set, determined to notch a win. By the time Carrolyn Jennings scored on a stuff block to make it 7-6 for the Cascades,the crowd was in an uproar, with cheering contests going back and forth in intensity, led by the men's teams of each school. Chants of UC FV radiated through the gym as the Cascadescontinued to perform at the height of their game. With the score tied at 12-12 in the deciding match to 15, a nervous hush fell over those assembled, as the athletes on the floor fought to secure a final four berth. Despite a valiant last-minute effort, which brought the score to 14-13, the experienced and talented Capilano team was too much for UCFV's first high pressure game, and Capilano's player of the year, Jen Dickson, drilled home the last few points for a Capilano victory. Although a highly disappointing loss, coach Bob Yuen was optimistic, and indeed he had a right to be. Four of UCFV'ssix starting players are first-year rookies, recruited by Yuen during the off-season, augmenting the experience of returning captain Delayne Peters and block specialist Carrolyn Jennings. For a predominantly first year team to go toe-to-toe with one of the contenders in CCAA volleyball, and lose by just two points is an incredible feat, and an emotional coach Yuen was simply happy that his team "came out and played really well:' Tears were shed by many of the players, but ultimately the team prepared for this exact game, against one of the top teams in the country, and they were successful, although in the end they fell short. ' The Cascades will enter their third BCCAA season starting in November 2006, and look to improve upon this year's result with the experience gained in what was a truly rollercoaster season.
