The Toque Thursday, April 1st, 2010

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

Telling you the real truth since 2001

THINKS HE'S

CREEPY

2

THE TOQUE

WHATIS THISTHINGl'M READING?!? they intend to forbid the publishSONJA SZLOVICSAK ing of any viewpoint or political LORDHIGHCHANCELLORopinion contrary to their own."

The Cascade started in 1993. It The student government also tried was started and run by the Student to turn the Cascadeinto a source of Union. For years, the Cascadewas revenue fo~ the studtmt council's the mouth piece of student gov- coffers.

Of course, the Toque published ernment. l'he Student Union had editorial and financial control of more than just articles that were critical of the student government.

UCFV's only student newspaper.

Tn 2001, a group of frustrated They published articles about Cascaders started the Toque.The events on campus, interviews Toquewas an autonomous student with local folks, opinions on ev· newspaper. It was run as a com- erything, and anything else they plete volunteer project. It ran for found generally interesting. The one year, and published anything content was 1sometimes offensive, news worthy - including articles sometimes funny, but usually in· critical of the current version of teresting. The people that wrote the SUS. for the Toquedid so because they ln the first issue of the Toque, loved being student journalists.

Acting Editor-in•Chief (and in· A year later, the Toquestaff came terim Copy Editor) Kris Lind ex• back to the Cascade.The Cascade plained the difficult situation that became an autonomous student Cascadestaff found themselves in newspaper, and was free to write when dealing with the student whatever they pleased about their government. He explained "The student union, university, com· Student Council intends to assert ~unity, politicians, etc. editorial control. This includes The Toque'sglory days ended forbidding the publishing of any- eight years ago. There are still an thing critical of the SUS; indeed odd copy of the "original Toque"

sitting in the Cascade'soffice, but other than that, it's lost to the mists of UFV history.

But once a year, usually around the first week of April, the Toque re-emerges to reveal the "real" truth (not that fake, watered-down half truth that readers can find in the Cascade).

The Toque can still be offensive, can still be humourous, and can occasionally be interest• ing. Plus, it's always nice to try to keep what little history UFV has in the forefront of students' minds.

So, here it is: the Toque.We keep you safe from 2012, warn you about cafeteria food, and provide indepth interviews with famous polo athletes.

And we tell the "real" truth.

THURSDAY;APRLL 1st, 2010

Volume 18 · Issue 12 Room C:1027 'I '\8,i/4 King Road

Ahborsford, AC V2S 7M8

Lord High Chancellor cascade.chlef@ufv.ca SonJ,1 Szlov1rs,1k Evil Director of H.R. cascade.manager@ufv.ca Lnv1s Van Dyk

The Terror Within cascade.productlon@ufv.ca R:1ndona Conrad

Shadowon the SchoolYard Jt'd M111or

MorningWood A.M. Bois

Almost Too Easy cascade.news@ufv.ca Paul Brummer

Consolerof the Lonely cascade.arta@ufv.ca Paul Falardtau The Lone Survivor cascade.sports@ufv.ca Brittany Wic·sru·r

Those Guys Trevor hk Just111 Otlewitz

Jordan Pie, lwr Jew) Sm.irr

Fresh Meat Alex Watk111s

ResidentTheologian A;1ro11 ffayc.:s

PrintedBy Co,1st,1lWc·b Pn·s,

The Cascadeis tJFV's autonomousstudent newspaper.It providesa fomm for UFV studcnlRlOhave their j\lUmnliHm puhlishe<l.It nlso act~as un alternntive press for the FlllllCrVulley,'l11e CllSCade is funded with UFV studem funds.The C'n.'lCndc is publishedevery Friday with ndrcuh1tionof 2000 and h distributed al UFV campusesam! thmu1dmutAb. bot~ford,Chilliwack, un<lMission.The Cascade is a rncmberof 1heCunadiun Universi1yPruss, a na1iorwlooopcmtivc of 75 univen;ityun<lCl)llegencwspll· pen; from Vk1.l,riu10 St. John's. The Cascade followsthe CUP cthicul policy conccmingmatcri,tlof II pn:judiditl or opprcssive nature.

Submissionsare prefom.'11 in electronic fvnnat eilhl.lrtht't1ughe mail or on CO. Plc.'L~:.endsuhmissionsin ",txt" or ".(foe"fonnat only.

ArticleslUKJlctlt-n;to the editor must be typ(l(J.The Cnscil<lereservesthe right to l'<litsubmissionsfor clurity(Indlength.

The c,scadc willnot 1irint11ny articles thntcontain racist, ,icxist.homophohic or libellouscontent.Tiicwriter's name nod studentnumbermust be suhmit· tcd with e11ehsubmission,l..cttcJl!to the editor must he under 2'i0 words if intendedfor print.Only one letter to the editor per writerIn any given edition.

Opinionsexpresseddo not nl-CCS.'wlrily rcllcct thntllf UI·V,C:m;cudc stuffam! collcc1ivt,or ussodut.edrlll!rrlbers.

THETOQUE

THURSDAY,APRIL1st, 2010

3

HOWSAFEIS UFVFROM2012? out in a fiery, fiery death. In fact, SONJA SZLQYICSAK NASA predicts that our sun will

LORDHIGHCHANCELLOR Hollywood blockbusters like 2012, The Day After Tomorrowand The Knowing have drawn a lot of attention to the possibility of a near-future apocalypse. According to the ancient Mayan's calendar, the world will end in 2012, on December 21.

In his book, 2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl,Daniel Pinchbeck explores the possibility of creating a new world order that "may integrate modern scientific knowledge with Eastern spiritual wisdom and indigenous shamanism, leading to a new understanding of the physical and psychic cosmos. Rather than 'doomsday,' 2012 could be a time of positive transformation and the opening to a new way of life." Pinchbeck argues that humanity may turn the tide on "doomsday," and may work together to eradicate poverty and war.

However, it's far more likely that humanity will die be wiped

be at a solar maximum sometime between 2011 and 2013.

Tokeep you safe on campus du ring 2012, the Toquehas analyzed a list of possible "safe spaces," from which to hide from Quetzalcoatl and the apocalypse.

Safe Spaces Abbotsford Campus Cafeteria:

Depending on what exactly happens during the Apocalypse, the cafeteria could be the safest place to hideout. Survivors can close the cafeteria gates and rest safe and secure, knowing that they have an ample supply of hamburgers and Dasani water to last them through the crisis. Hopefully, no Sodexho employees will be on staff during the apocalypse, so survivors will be able to eat (and survive) for free.

Otherwise, expect tu pay $8 for a cheeseburger.

The downside: Survivors will have to venture into the hallways

to find adequate washroom facilities.

Quiet study rooms in the library:

These rooms are windowless and secure. They are also incased in a cement building, on the second floor. Brave survivors will be able to venture out into the library itself, and continue their studies.

The downside; Unfortunately, no food or drink is permitted in the library. Survivors will be forced to ]jve off of covered drinks and bottled water. There is also no washroom on the second floor of the Peter Jones Learning Commons.

The Chilliwack Theatre:

Again, another windowless and secure space. The Chilliwack theatre is located next to the cafeteria, which will give survivors an opportunity to stock up on food stuffs. Since the nursing program is held on the Chilliwack campus, it is very likely that there will be

LOCALCHRISTIANS DECIDETO FOLLOW TEACHINGS OFCHRIST

There's no food, no washrooms, and no shelter (which is unfortunate in the Fraser Valley, because rains will probably cause the floods). Also, roof dwellers will be easy targets for Quetzalcoatl, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse and winged zombies to pick off.

Campus Centre:

Finnegan's/Phoenix:

Campus Centre has the possibility of becoming a fortified safe house. It is already fenced in, which will provide protection from looters and the Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It has a functioning kitchen and washrooms.

The downside: It's close to the theatre, so it will probably be next on.Quetzalcoatl's hit list.

While this technically is not on campus, it is next to campus, and therefore is accessible to students, faculty and UFV staff. This facility can fit nearly 500 survivors. It has a secure underground parkade, a giant kitchen with multiple fridges and freezers, washrooms, and plays pay-per-view Canucks games. The facility is as close to fire proof as possible, and it is usually very quiet. Security would most likely keep any looters or apocalyptic creatures at bay.

The downside: You must be 19 or older to enter.

The roof of D building:

It's the apocalypse, so there might be flooding. ff this occurs, it's a good idea to get high to stay dry. The only stairwell in D building can provide access to Lheroof.

The downside: It's a roof.

UFVPIGSHEEPMAN CONTROVERSIAL JOEL SMART

JEDMINOR

TOKENGAMERGUY

SHAOOWONTHESCHOOL YARD

Abbotsford looks a little different these days. From the area around downtown Abbotsford to the Seven Oaks mall you will find almost no homeless people living on the street. Even the homeless people that choose lo stay outdoors can be seen sleeping in brand new down-filled sleeping bags and wearing nice new winter clothes.

Local churchgoer, Cristina Davebeans, said the initiative started when people at her church "actually read the bible. We thought Christianity was all playing tag at youth group and then going on young adult camping retreats.

Little did we know Jesus' main concern was helping the less fortunate ... He actually said you might not get into heaven if you don't.

Yikes, and no thanks!"

Many of the homeless have been housed in the Christians' spacious and luxurious homes. "At first we didn't want to let these scrubby bums into our homes but we realized th,lt, doing unto others as they would have them do unto you ... really mean1,just that," said local homeowner Miser Van Geisbrecht. "After a while you get used to them, and it gives you a good feeling to help them out. .. maybe Christianity is more than just singing contemporary worship songs about birds, trees, mountains and rivers."

However, Van Geisbrecht did confirm that "they all smell like shit, which takes a bit of getting used to."

The homeless, for their part, are appreciating the extra attention. "l hadn't bathed in a few weeks and the foot-rot was really starting to set in," said the formerly homeless Alvin Grundle from his newfound digs on Sumas Mountain. "I really love my new family and the opportunity that they are giving

several nurses amongst the "the• atre hideout" survivors; this could provide much needed medical help.

The downside: Quetzalcoatl is known for his dislike of thespians.

He will most likely strike the theatre first.

me to get my life back on track," adding, 11 I guess that Jesus guy wasn't the dick I thought he was."

Local Christians have also declared a moratorium on judging others, opting to judge not lest they be judged. "Apparently, if you judge other people, you yourself run the risk of being judged harshly by God," said local church maven Chastity Mcl-iigh-Horse. "l really didn't like the sound of all the judging talk, despite the fact that I am pretty much perfect."

It remains to be seen if any of the changes that have been brought about by Christians actually following the teaching of Jesus will

be permanent, but according to one young churchgoer bible-based action is "rad."

"I was always so bored in church," intoned Kevin Fire-Starter, "but now that we actually do things for people on Sundays, I am a lot more stoked on going.''

Fire-Starter went on to add that his Pastors sermons were "lame" and the songs "blew." ''Jf this is what Christianity looks like than maybe 1 might keep on going to church and follow my Dad into the ministry. Before this happened I was thinking about joining the circus ... you know, trying to find a respectable profession.''

UflV Biology professor Stephen Gregory revealed a mutant creation to the world on March 28, 2010. The shocking concoction of man and beast has riled religious groups in the region, though Gregory claims the experiment has an ethical basis.

Gregory suffers from an incurable disea:;e, lymphobia termaphilia. It is extremely rare, affecting just one in every 850,000.

Because no treatment exists for the debilitating, painful illness, Gregory has been quietly suffering for 20 years, ever since he was diagnosed at age 16. Unfortunately, the effects grow worse with age.

When Gergory met his wife, Stephanie, 10 years ago, Gregory didn't reveal his secret until he ended up in the hospital the night before their wedding. She stood by him. However, because lymphobia termaphilia is passed genetically, they both refrained from having children for fear that they would end up looking like a cross between the Predator and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Three years ago Gregory made a medical discovery that can change the lives or those suffering from the disease. Gregory's work has allowed him to isolate the series of genes that cause the lymphatic system illness. Through a series of tests and experiments, some done

by UFV students during their labs, Gregory was able to find the key to stopping the disease from being transmitted genetically. The key was replacing segments of DNA with those found in sheep and pigs.

Though the science sounds complicated, Gregory was entirely positive that this solution would allow him to have a child with his wife. The process was slow, working in a lab to develop the fetus in vitro. At six weeks, it was implant-

ed into Stephanie Gregory's utert1s and closely monitored.

By the third month, it was clear that something unusual had occurred. The developing child was not growing large enough, and had Cl!rtainabnormalities, though it was unclear what they were.

Due to the religious beliefs of the Gregory family, terminating the pregnancy was not an option.

Early last week, Billy Gregory was born in a UFV laboratory as 25 biology students eagerly looked on. The child was born with furry white back and neck, a curly pink tail, and slightly pointed ears. Stephen Gregory was pleased to announce that his son tested negative for any potential signs of lymphobia termaphilia.

As for the deformities, Gregory said it couldn't be less important to him and his family. "Though he looks different, and will likely grow to look more different as he ages, it is entirely cosmetic. He will never suffer from [the disease] and that makes the tireless work I have done for 15 years completely worth it," he said as he gently pet his son.

Opposition to the birth of the child has been vitriolic at its worst.

Danny Shitbiscuits, a prominent anti-abortion lobbyist, was heard shouting, "Oh Jesus! Kill itl Kill it before it devours us all!" at the bi'rth. However, Canadian liberal theorist Pus. E. Leftwinger has defended Gregory's experiments.

"It's typical of the neo-cons t• T',/'l\f)t t0 kill ql1 ,4,0,.1•.,ti...children. Grotesque experiment creatures have as much right to live as undisgusting humans."

THE TOQUE

4

THURSDAY, APRIL 1st, 2010

UFVPLANSTOOUTSOURCE UFVStudentReadsCascadeADMINISTRATION TOINDIA shit comedy beggars belief."

will be taking steps to ensure that no one reads the Cascadeagain."

ALMOST TOOEASY found to have killed three lab asThe administration took quick UFV has been rocked by the i1istants and an ox in a Cascade- action against the Cascade.Employnews that one of its students has induced frenzy. The Abbotsford ees were rounded up and summarread the Cascade. police department arrived on the ily executed, and all memory of On March 14, third year pud- scene and apprehended Tweforget the infamous publication has been ding major, Les 'J\veforget, sat for murder of an ox, but declined eradicated from public memory down to eat his lunch of twigs and to charge him for the murders of through use of that memory-wipberries in G-Funk Building, before the lab assistants because they ing device from the Men Tn Black spotting something from the cor- "couldn't be arsed," according to films. ner of his eye. "At first, l thought Abbotsford police spokesman, President Lotion reiterated nothing of it/' 'J\veforget said from Constable Nebuchadnezzer Wu- UFV's gratitude to the universe the confines of his padded cell, Tang. "It's such a hassle to have to policing society, "The good guys "then I saw that it was some kind write up every single crime that dress in black, remember that, just of conglomeration of printed pa- goes down in this urine-soaked in case we ever face to face and per." hellhole. You can all fuck off for all make contact. The title held by 'l'wcforget picked up the paper l care." them, MIB, means what you think and leafed through its first few 'l'weforget's attorney, Philip you saw you did not see. So, don't pages, before becoming violently Theengine, entered a plea of in- blink, B, what was there is now ill, "The stuff in it was just horri- sanity for his client, who was un- gone, black suits with the black ble. There were articles about stuff able to enter a plea due to having Ray-Bans on. [They] walk in shadgoing on in the community and his mouth sealed up like Keanu ow, move in silence, guard against news on UFV clubs. It was sick, re- Reeves in The Matrix. Admittance extraterrestrial violence." ally sick stuff." to the Robert De Niro Madhouse "But yo, they ain't on no govHowever, despite his horror, for the Batshit Insan.e was swift ernment lists, they straight don't 'J\vcforget was unable to look for Tweforget, and he now adheres exist, no names and no fingeraway, and proceeded to read every to a strict regimen of French toast prints. Saw something strange? word of every article, "l wanted to and buggery at the hands of the Watch your back, because you stop, I really did, and when I start- orderlies. never quite know where the M I 'Tm happy to be invaded three B'sis at, uh ah." ed clawing at my face and throwing my feces on the wall I thought times daily by the guards," TwcA Men In Black spokesman said I should put it back, but I was root- forget said, "At any rate, it beats at a press conference, ''So don't ed to the spot. I had to read it from enduring the horror of reading fear us, cheer us, you ever get near that thing again." us, don't jeer us, we're fearless." cover to cover."

UFV President Soothing Lotion Canadian musician Neil Young By the time he had finished the Sports & Health section, 1\.vcforget expressed a regret that the incl• declined to comment on the situclaims that he blacked out. When dent ever took place, yet refuted ation. "I don't know who you he came to, he was naked and claims that the administration people are ... What arc you talking greased up with vegetable oil, and was to blame, "In the 400 years about? Leave me alone, or I'll call had bought every Martin Law- of UFV history, not a single man the police." rence film ever made. 'J\veforget or woman here has even thought said, "The greasing wasn't so bad, about reading the Cascade.I never but buying ewry Martin Lawrence thought the day would come that film in existence was the last straw one of our students would fall for for me. His hackneyed acting and such an insidious trap. We at UFV

PAUL BRAMMER Shortly after, 1\veforget was

SUSENJOYSBANNER YEAR LEWIS YANDYK Students can expect to see free EVILDIRECTOR OFH.R. laptops going to newly enrolled The Student Union Society (SUS)has had their most successful year in the history of the SUS. The most startling achievement was revealed just this past week: SUS has announced that this year Barack Obama will be the keynote speaker at the UFV 2010Convocation.

Also figuring largely on the list of SUS successes are the federal and provincial lobbying victories, the expansion of the U-Pass program, and the development of a public SUS Strategic plan.

SUS representatives just confirmed that Barack Obama is indeed coming to speak at convocation. However, due to the now inflated demand for tickets, seats will cost $1000 and be available to all members of the public.

It is suspected that such a lucrative speaker was obtained because of Rep-at-Large Jay Mitchell's significant influence in US politics.

His recent backing of the Health Care Reform Bill caused the bill to pass Congress. This is suspected to be "8.O.'s big thanx to JayM," according to a prominent conservative congressional think tank. Tickets go on sale during the winter 2010 exam period and are available at the SUS Offices, the Cascade and CiVL Radio.

SUS secured several lobby initiatives over the past year.

students, degrees for just showing up to class and free parking for all students. These initiatives are solely attributable lo VP-Finance Chelsea Watcrton.

It was revealed at the last SUS public meeting that she had used her extensive mafia connections to push these initiatives through and "do something positive for the students, no matter the cost." Bruno Tattaglia, the head of the Tattaglia crime network, conceded that the offer was indeed impossible to say no to.

In addition, the U-Pass has now been expanded to include airfare all across the globe when you fly from either the Vancouver JnternaHonal Airport or the Abbotsford International Airport. However, the SUS has still failed to cement a deal which will create a public run Abbotsford-Chilliwack bus connector.

When asked about the future of the SUS, outgoing SUS President Jackie Brown was caught muttering something about how ''the next incoming SUS President, whoever that may be, will have to follow the path I could not, The Golden Path and don the living stillsuit. From there comes peace alone." After this, Brown was seen leaving into the desert to let ShaHiulud test his actions as SUS President, as is the normal custom.

LEWIS VANDYK EVILDIRECTOR OF H.R. In a surprise move to everybody in the UFV community, the UFV Board of Governors recently went public with a decision to move all university services to their India campui1in Chandigarh. While out- ment, Kelly Martin, Programmer sourcing non-primary activities to with Student Life, stated "Well other countries has been a popular now I'll need to learn another practice by many private corpora- language in addition to the Klintions, this is the first instance it gon and Orchish." He went on to has been seen in the public sector. explain that "the UFV administraThe details of the arrangement tion has time and time again disarc wide sweeping and are of tre- played their unspoken will to dismendous consequence to the UFV tance themselves from students, student body. First and foremost, and this step is the literal concluall administration will be imme• sion to the metaphorical practice." diately moved to the Chandigarh Future plans also call for a full offices where they will continue faculty transfer as well. Students their duties there. This means that will receive video-conference lecour University President and Vice- tures and teleconference hours in Presidents will now be residing lieu of office hours. It remains to in India as well as their support be seen what the timcline is for staff. Caught up in this is Finance, this part of the out;murcing plan, Admissions and Registration, Stu- but Jim Segger, VP-Administradent Services, Student Life and tion, explained: "This portion of in a surprise move, the cafeteria the plan is on an accelerated timc(which will mean the average food line," quality will improve on campus, With all the free space on camrather than decrease). pus now, it appears that U flV has When President Mark Never- solved the student space issue on read was reached for comment campus and that the SUS has now about this shocking move, he stat- put its Student Union Building ed "budget cuts need to be made plan on mothballs due to all the and the majority of the Board of newly available space on campus.

Governors has just read TireWorld Jackie.Brown, outgoing SUS Presiis Flat by Thomas Friedman. In- dent staled that "students will not spired by the story of Bangalore, stand for this distancing of UFV we decided to apply the same prin- faculty and staff, but thanks for ciple to our own India campus." the keys on your way out."

In response to the announce-

OLDESTBIBLEFOUNDIN IRAQ AARON BAYES and the gift !:ihopsales have all but RESIDENT THEOLOGIAN dried up. In contrast, the number of used bibles on Ebay has risen.

Last month, archeologists in Despite the blow to the credibility Iraq dug up a copy of the Bible that of the Catholic Church, the Pope is is believed to be the oldest known said to be happy to have a distracto exist. Scholars were surprised tion from "the whole paedophile to find a few pages that did not priest thing." make it into later editions, most notably in the very beginning.

The following legal disclaimer appeared before Genesis: "All characters and events appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblances to real persons or events arc purely coincldental. The opinions expressed herein are those of the authors, and do not represent the opinion of any god, deity, or other supernatural being.

The information and advice provided is 'as is' with all faults and without warranty of any kind, expressed or implied. The publisher makes no warranties or representations regarding the Major League Baseball is set to accuracy, completeness or suitabil- make a mint from the nearly 2000 ity of the information provided. years worth of royalties they have The images, characters and logos yet to collect. However, legal exmay not be reproduced without perts say it will be very difficult to express written consent of Major collect much of it, and it is unclear League Baseball." whether they should be paid in This discovery has rocked the cash, sheep or slaves.

Christian world. The Vatican has The other surprising develop• reported a sharp drop in tourism, ment comes from the Gospels,

regarding the death of Je!:iuS.It seems that the unnamed roman soldier who speared Christ on the cross has been identified. IL turned out to be "Scorpion" from the Mor• tal Kombat series of video games.

The current holder of the rights to Mortal Kombnt, Warner Bros, said

that they were unaware that MLB held a 2000 year old copyright on Scorpion. It ls also rumored that MLB and the WB are cooperating, and we can expect to see a playable Jesus in the next Mortal Kambat game.

The burning bush could not be reached for comment as of press time.

5

THE TOQUE

THURSDAY.APRIL1st, 2010

UFVHIKESPARKING HOBOSFEDTO UFV STUDENTS? PRICES! JOllSMARI TOKENGAMER GUY Students upset by the current parking prices at UFV arc in for a shock. Imperial Parking Canada Corpotation (Impark) released a statement Sunday detailing plans to drastically increase parking costs at the Abbotsford campus, charging $_8for four hours and $15 for a day pass.

In an interview on Tuesday, Stephen Tits, manager of lmpark Abbotsford, said the increases are happening whether students like them or not. "Frankly, it doesn't bother me one bit that students are complaining. They complained when prices were low, and I don't expect that to change in the near future."

Tits explained that the changes were mostly a result of increased demand for the parking. "We don't need to increase prices, of course, but I have been running these parking lots for years. These lots are going to fill up even if we charge $8 an hour!"

Barry Carpetchild, Security Coordinator of Parking Services at UFV explained that UFV needed to agree to the price hike in order to keep Impark on contract. "Ttcame down to the fact that without a contract, we would be without ad• equate parking managem,.mt," he said. "I understand why stu,dents arc upset at the prices, but without

a company like Impark, who is going to monitor the lots?"

Tits felt strongly that students should find other ways to get to school if they can't afford prices.

"It is a tough world sometimes.

There arc people willing to pay the price to park so close to school. It is the same way all over the country.

If you can't afford to drive a car, you need to get in a bus. You don't have to pay for parking if you ride the bus. If you carpool you can split the parking costs. Tn that sense, Impark is really becoming greener because of the change."

The remark from Tits that s~udents should ride the bus instead of drive cars is seen by many as a cynical view, considering the fact that a II of the buses in the Abbotsford and Chilliwack area were blown up last week. The police investigation concluded

that the buses were destroyed by Amish terrorists, but UFV political science professor Dilbert Flaps thinks otherwise. "I saw three blokes wearing Impark jackets pushing detonators seconds before the explosions, then jumping around like Wesley Snipes in White Men Can't Jump and hugging as the flames engulfed a school for deaf children and a nunnery. It all seems a little fishy to me."

Lisa Belmont, a student at UFV for four years, was extremely frustrated wh~n she heard the news.

"It is just crazy. I can't believe how greedy these jerks at Impark are! I know I'll never park there again. I just can't afford to shell out money like that. H should be illegal to take advantage of students like this."

Trevor Callahan, a part-time UFV student, felt that Impark could not be blamed for the increase. "I would do the same thing in their shoes, I think. You can make twice as much money for the same work, why wouldn't you, if you can get away with it? I don't get why UFV would allow it though."

Mr. Tits gave a word of advice for UFV students considering the upcoming change. "It is not the first price hike, and it really won't be the last," he said. "Don't come to me with your complaints, because I don't care to hear them. You have two choices: Pay up or shut up."

Tits later asked that his final statement be omitted from the article.

QUOTING TELEVISION SHOWS CANGETYOULAID!!!

ALEX WATKINS FRESH MEAT According to researcher Sue Chickenstrips, Family Guy is not only good for a laugh, but good for your sex life as well. Davis - who conducts her studies out of the University of Ontario - published findings today that she believes scientifically confirm what most men are already aware of: quoting popular films and television can make them significantly more at· tractive to women, by an average of 69.7per cent. ''The results really aren't all that surprising," said Davis. "I became interested in conducting the study after an experience at a local bar one night, when T found myself conversing with a stranger.

Initially, I didn't find him particularly attractive, but after chatting for awhile I was suddenly overcome with desire. A"" a scientist, I was curious about the cause of this phenomeDOn, and then it hit me: he'd been quoting South Park repeatedly throughout our conversation. Intrigued, I did the research, and apparently I'm not the only female susceptible to this kind of tactic."

Davis' study shows not only that men who quote films and movies are more appealing to women than men who do not, but that they also have more intercourse. Women asked to rate the attractiveness of

)

• • males after conversing with them gave an average 8.9 (on a 10 point scale) to men with high quote frequency; in comparison, the same men received a mere 6.2 average when instructed to eliminate all quotations from conversation.

In addition, men exhibiting high quote frequency reported having intercourse more often and with a greater variety of partners than men who admitted to quoting films and television either "sometimes," "rarely" or "never."

When informed of the findings, young men across Canada clearly aren't surprised. In the words of 22-year-old male Ace Fantastic: "Yeah, it makes sense. Everyone kno;ws that women like funny

guys. And Jf something is funny when Steve Care II says it, of course it's going to be just as funny when 1 repeat it to someone else. T think probably most guys are aware of this on some level."

With the word out that rapid· fire South Park quotes can reduce a woman to mere jelly it would seem that females everywhere don't have a fighting chance. How can women counteract this secret weapon? "I'd suggest that women perhaps try internet dating as a precautionary measure, as it seems that quotations aren't nearly as effcdivc onlinc as they arc in person. But don't quote me on that," Davis said with a grin.

..... ,

TREVORFIKtial legal action," said T. Individuals who are currently TOKENLEGAL GUY The plight of many UFV students over the school's cafeteria reached critical mass this week, with the discovery that the source of the protein-loaded hamburgers, hot-dogs, and various other meat products being served to students is not coming from the dairy laden fields surrounding Abbotsford.

Instead, the meat is coming from the downtown core, and various slums and alleys accoss the lower mainland. What wild, domesticated animal roams there you ask? None other than our very own resident homeless population.

In an effort to clean up the City of Abbotsford's downtown core, Abbotsford Police chief Richie Rich has teamed up in a joint effort with Abbotsford Mayor Mr. T and the owners of Dosexho (UFV cafeteria operators) in a bid to rid the city of a subsection of the population that has been an area of concern, and that has provided a black mark on many parts of the city.

"We really think it is a great way to lower the crime rate, as well as clean up some of the more unsafe parts of the city," said Chief Richie Rich.

When asked about the potential ethnical and legal issues that come along with the butchering of human beings, Mayor Mr. T noted that "they have to sign a waiver" which prevents legal action being taken, plus any pitying of the fool.

"All participants have the procedure clearly explained to them.

Translators arc provided for those who do not speak English to plainly spell out what they arc signing up for. We have lawyers on staff who have written 1.1pironclad contracts, so as to prevent any poten-

homeless and volunteer for the program receive a smaIJ inheritance as a result. The money is doled out on a per-pound basis determined by the weight of the participant, and is provided to the individual's friends and family after they are turned into a cafeteria snack. · Commenting on the nutritional benefits of cannibalism,· Dr. Eric Foreman noted that "eating people, although fraught with negative connotations (largely upheld by movies such as Silence of tile Lambs),can actually provide a positive boost in protein levels."

"The energy gained from just one serving of people is enough to provide for a balanced diet, and has actually been seen to reduce blood pressure and cholesterol in some individuals," Foreman said.

Commenting on the allega• tions, one current UFV student, who was seen picking a sort of mystery meat off their $11 piece of pizza, comm1mted that "you have to give them credit for the innovative business sense. Keeping costs down while prices high must mean a massive profit for the cafeteria owners."

"It seems the real victims here are the UFV student""," he added.

Although Dosexho is thus for refusing to comment on the recent allegations, the line-up of individ• uals outside the cafeteria's main office, and their scruffy appearance, has raised some eyebrows around campuo as to the source of the cafeterias main dishes.

After trailing the Dosexho president for numerous days, the only comment that was offered from the spokesperson was the appropriately-articulated "eat me."

THURSDAY,APRIL1st, 2010

THETO,QUE

6

HARPERGREATEST UFV SPEAKS II PM EVER! JEDMINOR

What rlarpcr wants lo do is help grow the Canadian economy. Ile furthered this goal by suggesting we, "don't feel particularly bad for [the unemployed]. They don't feel bad about it themselves, as long as they're receiving generous social assistance and unemployment insurance." Here he is ridiculing the unemployed in order to help them out. We all know that when someone is having a rough go of it, the best way to lend a hand is to verbally berate and humiliate them. It is this type of streetsavvy wisdom that has served Harper so well during his term as PM. I could go on and on, citing fact after fact to illustrate Harper's greatness as a leader, but in reality it doesn't really matter. What Harper's true Canada as having "a standard of strength is his stand on the imporliving substantially lower than tant issues, and as far as I know he [the U.S.], a massive brain drain of firmly believes in hockey, kittens young professionals to your coun- and warm winter sweaters. And try, and double the unemployment that, by all that is holy, is good rate of the United States," he is sim- enough for me.

I think all of Harper's critics ply using tough love to highlight areas that Canada can improve need to take a long hard look In upon, not selling us out in front the mirror and ask themselves if of foreigners. After all is the U.S. they support these key issues as really a foreign country? To listen courageously as our PM. In fact if to Harper you would think that he you don't like hockey, kittens and wants Canada to be the fifty-first sweaters, what the hell kind of Castate, and why not? nadian are you?

SHAOOvVONTHFSCHCX)LYARD Oh sure, you may smirk at the title of this article. You Birkenstock wearing, unkempt-beard having, ivory tower-dwelling polar bear coddlers have always looked down our beloved Prime Minister. You hatf.! him because he is too good, too Canadian; he loves his country too much. He is, in short, everything you arc nol- a real Canadian.

There have been many critics of Harper's recent proroguing of parliament. Some say that this was a callous political move aimed at prolonging his term as PM, but H is actually rooted in Harper's political ideology. Being a conservative, Harper is a believer in the government doing as little work as possible to help the people and by that measure his is the best Canadian government of all time.

Harper also positions himself as a patriot who loves his country.

When he called Canada "a Northern European welfare state in the worst sense of the term, and very proud of it," in a 1997 speech to a conservative American think tank, he wasn't putting Canada down. He was underlining the fact that Canadians are proud of their country no matter how crappy he thinks it is.

In the same speech he described

Jean-Luc

Q: What are you studying?

A: Archaeology.

Q: How do you make it?

A:So. Q: What is your favourite food?

A: Cheese strings dipped in cream cheese.

Q: Do you like cheese?

A: Yes, as evidenced by my previous answer.

Q: Any words for the Borg?

A: Don't truck with the Pie. Q: Do you have a nickname on the Enterprise?

A: Pimp daddy Picard. Whoop whoop, West Coast, 6.

SUFFERLITTLECHILDREN FOR$8 AN HOUR ALEX WATKINS FRESH MEAT

It is painfully obvious that kids these days have it way too easy.

While their parents work long hours and commute daily to earn their youngsters' keep, these lazy and ungrateful children simply lie around at home, napping and sucking their thumbs.

This segment of the population has a sickening abundance of underused spare time that could be put to good use by simply eliminating child labour laws and allowing kids to be sent to work.

Just imagine: the father frustrated by his dead-end job and irritable boss can now take solace in the fact that his lazy baby has it just as tough. No longer can deadbeat toddlers legitimately use the excuse that they're too young to work; they are now legally available to make meaningful contributions to the household.

There's truth in the saying that "idle hands are the devil's tools."

Children with an excess of time are far more likely lo get into trouble, and therefore being able to fill a child's extra time by sending him/her to work could ensure that he/she didn't stray onto the path of drug use or gang membership. Not to m1,:ntion the fact that quality childcare is expensive and hard to find; legalizing child labour would mean that parents could have employers essentially pay them to look after their off-

spring, instead of paying lop dollar for their children to associate with the local riffraff at daycare.

Working from a young age would build much-needed appreciation among youth for the labour and cost involved in their upbringing. In 2004, the Canadian Council on Social Development calculated the cost of raising a female child to age 18 at $166,549;for a male child, the figure was slightly higher at $166,972. Inflation has undoubtedly seen these averages rise significantly.

Allowing children to work from a young age could greatly offset

the cost of their upbringing - easing financial strain on the family- and could foster an understanding of the value of money.

Employers who are put off by the underdeveloped motor skills, inferior strength and lack of capacity for abstract thought common to children shou Id take into consideration certain benefits that counterbalance these qualities.

For one thing, full-time employees still young enough to have their baby teeth don't need to be given a dental plan, as the teeth will eventually just fall out anyway. And it's no secret that kids are more resilient and heal far more quickly than adults, so they don't need to be given any medical benefits, either. Additionally, children are a draw for customers, as they are more pleasant lo associate with than some gum-snapping, eye-rolling teenager. lt should go without saying that Canada's child labor laws have allowed lazy and unappreciative youngsters lo freeload off of their families for far too long. It is high time that Canadian parents became fully aware of the oppression they endure and began lobbying for their right to make toddlers earn their keep.

Bill

Q: What do you put your success down to?

A: Being awesome.

Q: Why are you so consistently awesome?

A: Tam Bill Murray. Awesomeness comes easy to Bill Murray.

Q: All too easy?

A. Indeed.

Q. What is your greatest career moment?

A. This interview right now is the pinnacle of my existence to date.

Q:. Who are your heroes?

A. Bill Murray and all derivatives of Bill Murray.

Q. Any advice for the Borg?

A. Resistance is not always futile, so don't be so cocky.

Kanve

Q: Whar are you taking at UFV?

A: Yo,Bill, I'm really happy for you, and lmma let you finish, but Captain Picard had the best "lJPV Speaks" in the whole world. The whole world!

••••• THURSDAY,APRIL lst,2010

THE TOQUE

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7

THEPAINFULLY HIP Underground OnlyReleased Music on8-tracks PAUL FALARDEAU

CONSOLER OFTHELONELY ing, not that any of you noticed.

They went unrecognized and unhe Painfully Hip. Even saying derappredatcd just because they their name is pointless - you were never released. lt kills me haven't heard of them. They arc that the music industry is setup so so underground that few have. that talentless people in their parFrankly J'm not even sure the bass ents' basements operating with a player is aware he's involved. stolen copy of Garage Band can't The Painfully Hip are so under- get a break. Everyone deserves to ground that no one knew when be cool and in a band, musical talthe Tragically Hip ripped them ent not withstanding. off. Ever heard "New Orleans is With the music industry in its Sinking" by the Tragically Hip? I current state we missed out on haven't, I don't listen to commer- great tracks like "Musical Disascial radio, but I can tell you this, ter" from the Painfully Hips' un"My Self-Esteem is Sinking," the derrated Trouble at the Fair Trade original song from the Painfully Coffee Shop and "38 Years Old Hip's first full length album, Up! (and Still Going Nowhere)," from To, Here... , was much better, com- the previoui;ly mentioned Up! To, plete with fu 11compliments of self- Here... loathing, depreciating wordplay These great songs were ripe and holier-than-thou attitude. with distorted synthesizer, rcpcti• The great songs just kept com- tivc canned drumbeats and lyrics

which made the listener and the band feel bad about themselves all at once. "So Hard Done By" lets the listener know not just how hard it is to be in an independent band but also how hard the world can be on people who make unusual fashion choices. Lead Singer and visionary Gordon Downer said "Why can't people stop judging books by their covers?

Just because r have tattoos people think f'm an under achiever or that I'm 'ugly.' In reality, it has nothing to do with that" These greats will no doubt continue to live up to their name,

HOPONPOP?

A Guide to Ending Your Worthless Existence

T

Adissertation onsocietal flawsandother implications evident intheworksSuess,Ph.D

ALEX WATKINS represents

the younger generaFRESH MEAT tion's selfish demand for gratificar. Seuss' Hop on Pop is a book tion, and their ignorance and/or that a majority of Canadians dismissal of the strain that satisfyhave no doubt read; however, few ing such demands places on their are educated or observant enough households. The youth worship to understand H as what it really endlessly at the altar of consumeris: a biting observation and com- ism, and in their desire to posses mentary on the laziness, aggres- an iPhone, a new car, and designer sion, and overconsumption that is clothes, they wear down their avpervasive in Western society. erage, working-class parents.

Seuss' characters "play all day," Seuss' book both describes and reflecting the average Westerner's illustrates a group of four men selfish preoccupation with his/her (Red, Ned, Ted and Ed) all lying own comfort and leisure, rather in bed together. Though at surface than interest in hard work and level this appears to be merely ancontribution to the betterment of other pleasant rhyme for children, society. These same characters I believe it goes without saying "fight all night," a revealing ob- that the segment alludes to Seuss' servation about how, when the own latent homosexuality. spotlight is off, our aggressive and Homosexual undertones also competitive nature comes into the emerge later in the book, when the forefront. married Mr. Brown returns from The fact that Seuss' characters an "out of town" trip arm-in-arm arc illustrated fighting with the with another man, Mr. Black. Hosame racquets they previously mosexuality in the book is cloaked used in play is significant, allud- in spectacle and rhyme either due ing to the fact that Westerners to Seuss' denial of his own sexucannot afford to maintain their ality, or to his fear of persecution decadent and leisurely lifestyles by a society that was (and often without oppressing and exploit- continues to be) largely intolerant ing the less fortunate. In a later of deviation from the typical "nusegment of the book, the reader is clear family." commanded twice to "eat [hiti/her] It i;hould by now be obvious to snack," an order which alludes to even the most uneducated layperthe gluttony and rampant over- son that Seuss; Hop on Pop is not, consumption displayed by West- in fact, the innocent and entertainern individuals. The reader is not ing children's book that it appears first asked whether he/she is hun- to be, but rather an insightful and gry but is simply told to eat, and is unrestrained depiction of a society therefore encouraged to consume that takes what it wants, and not regardless of his/her actual need. what it needs. The book is dei;ervSeuss' Western characters also edly critical of the decadent Westoppress each other; as described in ern lifestyle and the oppression the title, two children are shown that feeds it, and offers a warning violently jumping up and down that is all the more relevant over on their father, stating "we like to 40 years after it was written. hop on top of Pop." This image

D

i.o long, at least, as not too many people hear of them and ruin their reputation. Until then, for the lit-

JORDAN PITCHER Redshirting: TOKENINDIEKID

Fact: lifesucks.

No one understands the profound pain encapsulated in your experimental poetry, your mom won't plan family meals around your recently adopted vegan lifestyle, and you just had a discussion with your dad about music in which he described at length the ways that Phil Collins is "pretty dark." It's hard to maintain your sense of uniqueness in world where everyone is pushed along the same treacherous path that is aging. You, though, arc not one for the beaten path; you eat at under• ground vegan pita establishments, really "get" and appreciate the Dirty Projectors, .and self-identify with Holden Caulfield. You are one in six billion. As such, allow me to be your guide when choosing the most unique method of suicide, a symbolic "fuck you" to the perpetual flow of time.

Haro-kiri:

I spent a semester in Japan, which allowed me to internalize every facet of the culture the entire country had to offer, a lot of which still plays a role in my everyday life. For instance, I pepper unsophisticated English conversations with Japanese words I learned; this allows me to educate my friends on the numerous ways Japanese language is superior to common Bnglish. Wl1ilc l was in Japan, l dedicated much of my free time to learning the ways of the samurai and came across "hara-kiri," a method of suicide that leaves honour intact. This one is especially useful if you have fallen into the hands of the enemy but wish to die with honour. To perform, simply disembowel yourself.

erally dozens of super edgy, super cool fans, this is a band that will always be, Painfully Hip.

planet. This suicide is a noble act, for not only did you find the sweet release of death, but you served as a dramatic device that illustrated the danger of the mission.

TheSocratic Method:

This one is a little more mainstream than the others, but it will afford you the eternal nerd cred you so desperately seek by repeatedly saying you beat Mario as a kid.

In an act of rebe11ionagainst parents who wanted you to stay home and work the farm, you join Star Fleet and are assigned to the USS Enterprise as a security officer.

Your uniform is a red shirt. Upon discovering a new planet, you are asked by your captain to accompany him on an exploratory mission.

Fear not, there Is no chance you will survive. You will be ripped to shreds the second you step on the

It is a well known truth that an artist's early work is his or her best work. In the spirit of that id<:!a, I recommend going back to 399 B.C.E. for this suicide. Socrates, charged with corrupting youth, passed up the chance to escape.

Instead he threw a party, invited all his friends, and drank Hemlock. Hemlock is said to numb the body until it reaches the heart, but your heart has always been numb, hasn't it?

THETOQUE

8

THURSDAY.APRIL1st, 2010

UFVALUMNI ''MAURICIO'' BACK FROM CONTROVERSIAL EUROPEAN TOUR JED MINORDoyoufeelthatyourwork hos SHADOWON THESCHOOL YARD ocal artist "Mauricio'' is back in the Fraser Valley after a successful yet controversial tour of his work through the galleries of Europe set the international art scene on fire. Literally. After many of his shows the artist attempted to set the gallery on fire to "deconstruct the framework of the gallery space." This caused several galleries to cancel his shows and his tour was cut short. Their loss is our gain as this successful UFV alum has returned to the Fraser Valley and recently gave the Cascade an interview regarding his latest body of work.

L

Mauricio, howdoyoufeelthe artscene intheFraser Valley hos progressed inrecent years?

Eeet ees sheet. Zee Iife eet ees sheet. Jus de drawing of de cows und de cow-poopies, cheecken und pigs. Shcci;t.

Why doyouhovea French accent Mauricio?

You grewupinSardis.

Veil you see... *Ahem• Sorry man. Fits with the image. You know ...

contemporized t~eimage ofthe West Coast Canadian artist?

I feel that my latest pieces such "El huelo de la victoria cuando pongo me merda en tu pie" have done much to re-contextualize the reading of artwork within the gallery space. The piece offers many different entry points and can be read in a number of different ways.

Oh,isthattheonewhen youshot onyourcollector's shoe?

Yeah, yeah. Shat right on her shoe. The English translation of the title is "The Smell of Victory When I Shit on Your Shoe." I am attempting to shake up the hierarchy in art world. If you try to understand me or support me I will figuratively and quite literally in some cases, shit on your shoe. The shit becomes the art· object. TI1e shit insists on it's own existence.

It is very much a made object. The shit does not try to be anything else.' It is a very honest material choice. You may not like the shit, but there it is, on your shoe. It also remembers earlier pieces such as "Me gusta tortuarte con me vision."

Right, right.

That's theonewhere youaccost P.eople whenthey~nter thegallery byscreaming intotheir facesthroug~ a bullhorn while honking onairhornandcrashing somecymbals attached toyour knees.

Yes the English translation of the title is "I like to torture you with my vision" or an alternative title is "I am being purposefully obtuse....

Fish Pickle." Again what I am trying to say with this work is..... Fuck you! How dare you try to enjoy art without at least a Masters Degree? If you want accessible, go blow your load on a Thomas Kincaid or Robert Bate· man painting. If you want to enjoy real art prepare to be deafened and shat upon.

Well Ithinkwe'reaboutdonehere isthereanything elseyouwould liketooddMauricio?

Please come and sec my latest show entitled "Life is unfair and my parents suck" which will run from April 1-14 at the Reach Gallery. Idiot!

._ ..

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•.

:...

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-,-l_i_l_l_;-l-:-i-;-l-l_l_!__ l_l_l_l_1_l_l_l_l_, ______ •_l_l_l_1_1_I_L_l_l_l_i_l_1_1_1 __ 1_ PAUL BRAMMER ALMOSTTOOEASY t really bugs me when people talk about what their favourite movies and bands are. People always say, "Oh, The Godfatheris my favourite movie," or that The Beatles arc their favourite band. The thing is, those movies and bands and s.tuff are so mainstream. It's so obvious and boring to say that you think ApocalypseNow is your favourite movie of all time.

My favourite movies are ones that people have never heard of - I really like Kurosawa; he's definitely my favourite Chinese director of all time. And Fellini makes movies that are so abstract and full of misc en scene. r really like the mise en scene in Fellini. Do you think there's any mise en scene in corporate Hollywood movies?

And you know that Hollywood movies are all corporate movies made by corporations, right? The corporations only make Hollywood movies because they want lo propagate consumerism and stuff. The Happy Meal toys that you get when movies come out are all part of the corporate system.

You should know that if you buy tickets to movies like Transformers then you're just adding to the power of the corporations.

And things like 3-D are just part of an attempt by the corporations to make you dumber - the corporations want us lo be dumb because they want us to be docile, so the corporations can make money and control things.

Forget 3-D - you should really trv and watch black and white

I

',I•

I

movies Instead. Like I said, movies by old Chinese directors like Kurosawa and Fellini (who's from Belgium or something) make movies that are way better than !;tuff like Pirates of the Caribbean.I read that people like Kurosawa are auteurs, and I agree. Kurosawa's movies (which arc black-and-white, which is awesome) are much more autcury than corporate Hollywood movies that are made by conglomerates.

The thing that most people don't realize is that the corporations and conglomerations that make Hollywood movies arc all owned by these billionaires who arc all controlling the entertainment industry. Most of them own oil companies in Iraq and Islamabad and places like that, so they all wanted Bush to be J:?fCSidet:t so they CO)J!d.

get oil. They control lobbying and special interests and political stuff that means that they make money, and they want to keep us all afraid of the corporate interests and big business.

We've got to fight the power of the corporations by watching black-and-white movies like 9½ by Fellini or Chinese movies like Eleven Samuraiby Kurosawa, which the corporations stol and made into The Munificent Seve11 1 which is so typical of the special interests and conglomerates. They're stealing everything from other movies and making them into propaganda so they can steal our minds.

When I bought my Che Guevara hoodie from Gap, the guy behind the counter told me that lots of people had been buying them, which is a good sign. In case you

don't know, Che Guevara fought the oppression of American corporations, and was a tota I freedom fighter.

The CIA (who kill so many people they're the puppets of corporations and oil and business) killed him, but he lives on when we buy his likeness from the Cap. The corporations arc afraid of the power of the people, so you should all go down to the Gap and buy a Ch Guevara hoodic.

It's a real protest against the state and Bush and corporations.

So that's why I don't like mainstream American movies. I think Tarantino's so lame - everyone thinks he's so cool, but most of his ideas are stolen from movies from places like Taiwan. He's a total douche, and his movies make so much money. Tarantino is not cool at all - I only went to sec Tnglourious Basterds because my Dad bought me the tick t.

My dad's a douche too - he wouldn't let me stay in his second house in New York over the summer, and he told me that I had to wait six months for him lo buy me a BMWI He's just one of the "sheeple," which is what I call people. Because they're lik sheep.

Because they do what the corporations tell them lo do.

The only American movie that I like is Fight Club, because it totally reveals the ways that society tries to make you docile and stupid.

Even though the movie was made by a transnational corporation and had a budget of $45 million, J think it really attacks the conglomerates and is something that all revolutionaries should watch.

I think that going to film school really helped my revolutionary growth as a freedom fighter against oppression and big business and society and stuff. My films are really expressive - I think there'!; a lot of mise en scene in them. I definitely model myself after autcurs like Kurosawa and Wurnur Hersog (Hersog is one of my favourite directors as well - his movies arc like if Communism made a movie, which is awesome, because Communism rules).

My movies are an expression of my feelings against ignorance and oppression, and arc subversive to the maximum. One day, the CIA might come to deal with me. Someone told me that they wouldn't want to waste the bullets, but I think that the conglomerates and special interests aren't too happy with the things I say about their oppression.

It should be easy for me to get my movies distributed and watched - people arc tired with big business ruling their lives and making them docile. Plus, my dad's the regional director of Time-Warner on the West Coast, and he can hook me up.

Until then, keep fighting the corporations and special interests and stuff. Veeva la resistance!

THURSDAY, APRIL I st, 20 J0

9

THE TOQUE

BERENSTAIN BEARSGETTHEGIMMIESII Asking when toomuch istoomuch

71,e&vuv,sraiJ,,Beatts

IREVOlllKever done comes close to this."

acters teach us a lesson that we TOKENLEGAL GUY The Beren.stainBearsGet the Gim- can all take away as something to mies is something more than an instill in our everyday lives. This action-packed adventure, filled sublime literary feat is a doctrine hen perusing the local book- with enough emotion to make the for child-rearing and a mirror in store, the choices and poten- giddiest of school girls blush, and which we can view our selves and tial adventures that an individual the most hardened of cage fight- our own lives. Tne book forces us may embark on are endless. Ac- ers break down and cry at its mere to ask ourselves, in all the ru1,h tion, suspense, and drama may mention. It is a literary testament and confusion of daily life, whethinclude an afternoon spent in any to our times, and a metaphor for er what we are pursuing, and what we are working so hard for one of the books that can merit the way we live life in 2010. an adequate selection. However, The story is simple, but the is wrong? Maybe as a society, we one book that encompasses all meaning is as complex and intri· are plagued with the case of the spectrum of emotion, delivering catc as the characters used to con- "Gimmies?" a roller coaster ride that leaves an vey it. Brother Bear and Sister Bear In the book's conclusion, the unforgettable mark on its reader, want "everything in sight." Too reader is left with the haunting may be found in the unlikeliest of many treats and too many goodies relevance that the message of the "Gimmies" conveys. That is, an sources. have turned these rambunctious Stan and Jan Bercnstain, who youngsters into a corporation's image of the picture perfect world, have delivered such notable clas- best friend - they cry when they coloured by the greed, disdain, sics as, Tlie Berenstain Bears No are denied what they want. and betrayal that comes with the too many rides on the Bucking Girls Allowedand The Berenstain lt is left up to Mama and Papa seemingly happy suburban fam- Duck," was it simply an addition BearsForgetTheirMannersare at it Bear, the wise and unforgettable ily. to an already complex story arc, or again in an epic classic that would leaders of the family, to step in and And when Stan and Jan Beren- was it something more? Was it remake J.D. Salinger roll over in his provide the discipline. Without stain wrote "sometimes the cubs ally a commentary on the capitalist grave and cry out, "Nothing I have giving too much away, the char- get too many treats, too many toys, wills of our Western society, and a

GETTHE

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verificahon of the obsessive and compulsive materialism that has consumed our culture? Perhaps we will never know, but certainly we will always be left wondering.

HOMELESS CHIC Introducing Fashion's Latest Success BRITTANY WIESNERa job working for Burberry and the

THELONESURVIVORrest is fashion history.

Mr. Dominion's new line was ast week Canadian fashion released in New York with famous designer Pierre Dominion, models Kate Moss and Agyness who started out designing for the Dean debuting it. The show startfamous label Burberry, shocked ed with Agyness walking on stage the world when he unveiled his wearing a black garbage bag, beige first solo fashion line at New York Uggs, and pink toque on her head.

F.:.i.hion Weck. Tlis alternative, The crowd was silenced by shock. modern take on fashion is going to The models continued to line the revolutionize not only the fashion runway all wearing garbage bags world, but perhaps the world as a in different colours. Kale Moss finished the show wearing a blue rewhole.

Mr. Dominion was once just a cycling bag, with lime green crocs, humble Canadian working as a ripped purple knee high socks, seamstress in Burnaby, British Co- and a cardboard box her head lu tnbia, but he had big dreams of with on'ly the eyes cut out and a joining the fashion world. "When pink bow for decoration.

I was a child I always envied my After her final bow the audisisters' dresses, so I would take ence erupted with applause. them and change them for, what "It was the best show I have 1 think, was the better," Mr. Do- seen in yeats. His talent rivals minion stated. After interning for that of the great Ralph Lauren," a fashion label in Montreal he got said American Vogue editor Anna

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LIVEREVIEW: GLITTER SPARX ATTHEBREAST BARN JORDAN PITCHERCD player, a comfortable-lookTOKENINDIEKID ing leather chair, and an exotic dancer. She sat me down in the eing a frequent patron of the leather chair and turned on the Breast Barn, I was overjoyed CD player, making sure to prowhen they added local rising star, vide me with a resplendent view Glitter Sparx, to their already im- of her anus, which was home to pressive roster of exotic dancers. a handful of errant hairs, coarse After her chilling on stage perfor- and black. Lending a morose tone mance to Metallica's "Enter Sand- to the proceedings, Sparx selected man," Sparx circled the room, "I'll be Missing You" by F.Diddy asking if she could show any of and Faith Evans, and began to the Breast Barn's patrons "a good dance, saying that this song was time." her "best jam."

A question which most of the Sparx's style was largely interpatrons answered by awkwardly pretive: every swivel of her hips looking into their beers and sigh- communicating the sorrow in the ing, pretending to text, or saying song, every finger playfully inmock apologetically, "Maybe next serted into hct orifices representtime, babe." However, when she ed the enduring power of hope in approached me and whispered the face of adversity. Finally, when into my car of all the delights she I was well past the point of titilwould provide me with for only lation - my thunderous erection $12 (including tip), I was power- attempting desperately to tear its less to resist her. way out of my skinny jeans - she Sparx then led me to a strange mounted me. 0, divine bliss! room which was divided into cuMy fingers immediately took bicles big enough only for a small root in the dimpled cellulite of her

B

thighs as she writhed on me like a woman possessed by her art. In a truly inspired move, Sparx turned the performance from a meat and potatoes touch, sight and sound affair to a sensory buffet when the acrid tang of sweat and an untreated venereal disease wafted into my nose, filling my throat and mouth with the taste of an expertly aged piece of Vieux Boulogne cheese.

Once the song ended, Sparx turned off the CD player, lit a cigarette and asked me if I wanted to "go back to her place" for further good times that aren't specifically sanctioned by the Breast Barn or any of its affiliates. Not being a fool, I accepted her offer after we agreed on a price ($17),and with a seductive twinkle in her lazy eye, she propped open the back door of the Breast Barn, pointed into the dark, grimy alley that lay beyond and said "step into my office."

Be sure to check back next week for a review of the intercourse that ensued.

Wintour.

Mr. Dominion stated that his idea for the line came from watching a homeless woman rifle through a trashcan in front of his Montreal apartment.

"I realized that she wasn't hideous and she could have style, but she wouldn't have been able to afford it," he said reminh,cing ov r his epiphany. "I decided it would benefit all man kind if J made this line."

When asked if it bothered him that you could get garbage bags anywhere, so no one will most likely buy his couture ones, he laughed and said "Who wants a 'Glad' bag, when they can have a Dominion original?"

Pierre Dominions's line will be released later this summer. Bags will cost around $50 each, so that all walks of life can afford them.

10

THURSDAY,APRIL l st, 20.10

THE TOQUE

Topl00Ways toAvoid Pregnancy MILEY ANN Sperm don't like water, they find

BRINGER OF CONTRACEPTIVESit confusing. The temperature of the water makes them too sleepy etting pregnant would suck. to swim.

However, there are like a Number Five - Vinegar and hundred ways to avoid it - even Baking soda bath. It is expensive, though some of them aren't very but it is a sure-fire way to avoid good ways. That's why I have de- an unsightly pregnancy. Immerse cided to make a list of the best yourself in vinegar and then dump ways to avoid getting pregnant. If in a ton of baking soda. The effect you would prefer to stay baby-free will not only prevent pregnancy, but it will cure any infecthen pay attention!

Number Ten - Multiple Contions or STDs. doms. Condoms arc super good Number Four at stopping those baby-making - Jumping Jacks. Any tadpoles, and if you really want sperm that found some protection, don't skimp! residence into your cha-cha need to be Some guys will complain about having three or evicted! Jump up four condoms on, and down until but he should be it's all out. The thanking you more seepage the better! for keeping him Don't stop safe. Two should be the absolute jumping until you're minimum you will allow. sure.

Number Number Nine Two - Cola - Make him drink Mountain Dew! Douche.

Any carbonated cola Someone told me once will do, but I would about how this drink will lower his sperm-count to the recommend Coke. The point that he'll be infertile. Get agony you'll feel after a cola him to put on some lighty-whitdouche is undeniable, but cys while he's at it. you shouldn't complain, the tingly sensation is certainly Number Eight - Sex standing up. It can get tirbetter than going through labour in secret in your friend's ing, and it certainly won't be romantic, but sex standing up will bathroom.

Number One- Sex with old keep his sperm from getting into your uterus. Let gravity do all the guys. Jf he's over 30, you're pretty much guaranteed to avoid a baby. work.

Number Six - Sex in the water. His balls arc shrivelled up like Sex in a pool, a shower, or even prunes, trust me. Does he have a better, in the hot tub, will keep few speckles of grey hair? You're good to go. your baby-maker unemployed.

G.

An averagerefund with us is Sl,000.

We get you an average of s1,000 on your tax refund, so you can do more of what you want to do. Get It Right."'

NEWSPORT TAKES WORLDBYSTORM JOEL SMART TOKENGAMERGUY

he Super Mega Entertainment Gaming Machine Advance was recently announced in the latest issue of ElectronicGaming Monthly.The system is being developed by a tandem of Mattel and Atari in an effort to compete with the latest and greatest on the market. New details about the system are expected to be revealed at the upcoming E3 gaming show.

Some key features of the machine are increased graphical capabilities, with hundreds of colors and life-like animation possibili• tics. "You won'l know if you're looking at a game or movie," designer Steve Cates said of the new machine. He later hinted that the game may even feature fully threedimensional play environments, allowing players lo move not just left and right, but forwards and backwards in space!

Game cartridges will be able to hold an unprecedented amount of data, allowing games of an un-

T

imaginable scope. An anonymous source revealed that a single cartridge wou Id be able to hold the equivalent of 40-50 full-sized textadventure games. These games will blow your mind!

The controllers will each have four action buttons and a directional disk for precision control.

They also come with 8 feet of extension cord so you can play from

MEDICINE IS TAKING A PAGE FROMTHEMIDDLEAGES TREVOR FIK

Oil

TOKENLEGALGLIY

s a cure for epilepsy, the Guide Board to I Iealth, Peace and Competence (1870) recommends "a black silk handkerchief thrown over the face while the fit is on." This will mosl likely "bring the person 'to' instantly."

'11,c cure for epilepsy listed above may at first glance seem barbaric or impraclical. Something that medical school students look al as a ridiculous joke and a throwback to a time before the basic concepts of modern medicine were conceived. However, these tried, tested, and true cures are increasingly becoming the norm in medicine. At a time when money for basic medical supplies and patient care is dwindling to nothing, a little blood letting and a few leeches can go a long way to get tid of that nasty headache or sore throat.

Doctor Remy Hadley, a physician specializing in diagnostics at the Abbotsford Regional Hospital and Cancer Centre, noted that doctors at the hospital arc laking an increasingly medieval approach to medicine. Diagnosing a disease, she added, has simply become a matler of sight, smell, and taste.

"With the inabilily to run many of the complex tests we wou Id want to (due lo budgetary constraints), physicians are learning that you

A6TROLOQIA

A

can diagnose a disease based largely on the sight of an individuals excrement, or the taste of their blood," added Doctor Hadley.

With the complex cures for various ailments being forgone in favour or Lhcsc lime saving melhods, physicians are beginning to understand palicnl care can be achieved through taking a more "balanced" approach to curing disease. By asking patients what they lhink is wrong with them-

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The new system will allow gaming for multiple players at the same time. Not only will the system have input for two controllers, but shortly after the system is released an addon is expected to arrive lo allow players to connect their system into the telephone for network gaming! This feature will allow players to simultaneously play with others who have purchased the addon even if they are not in the same area.

With so much debate about which console to buy this generation, with the Xbox 360, the Nintendo Wii and the Playstation 3, it may be difficult to decide which one you want to pick up.

Mattel and Atari think they have the answer for yol./, and its likely coming Lo a store near you for a $499 price tag this holiday season.

Children and toy-enthusiasts rejoice, the future of gaming is here!

Learn more about opportunities to learn what you need to know to work In health care at www.bcnu.org or contact your Fraser Valley Regional Chair at lplpe@bcnu.org

fm!u

selves, and acting on th<' rint ten ls' dc~cription, doctors arc finding lhcy have increasing time to see other patients and commit time Lo olhcr research endeavors.

"Nobody knows better about what is wrong wilh you Lhcn yourself," said Hadley.

Doc Lor Kenneth Noisewater, a legend at Fraser Health in Abbotsford, added that "medieval medicine is something which is vastly underappreciated by doctors in modern times. It is getting to a point where J am being forced to reteach medical school students about the four humours, and the practice of phlebotomy."

The four humours, which consist of blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile, need to be in a constant state of balance in the body. This is achieved by checking the vitals of each substance in the body, and measuring them up against a preconceived level of normalcy. rf one of the humours is above or below level, it is drained so as to encourage the body to produce more of the other levels.

The practice of draining blood and other substances, known as phlebotomy, is something that is being used on an increasing basis to treat the most basic of illnesses.

"Everything from bug bites to pregnancy can either be made or broken c,n the • :"'. ing of a small amount of blood or bile," said Doctor Noisewater.

11

THE TOQUE

THURSDAY, APRIL 1st, 2010

GOODBYE LUONGO, HELLO RAYCROFT Newnumber oneinnetforCanucks JOEL SMART

TOKENGAMERGUY in a row, and with so few games left in the season we had to make tarting in net for the Vancouver the decision as soon as possible.

Canucks this post season will Ray-Ray has been playing well for be Andrew Raycroft, the backup us, and the more we looked at the goaltender that has played well all tapes we knew he had to be our season. Roberto Luongo, the high- guy moving forward." est paid player and captain of the Willie Mitchell, a seasoned deteam will sit on the bench as the fenseman for the Learn,was availback up goalie. Alain Vigneault able to comment on the recent opted to turn the position over to move. "Yeah, our backup goalie ...

Raycroft after compelling cases His name eludes me at the mowere made by Vancouver sports ment, but he has been playing journalists. like a dream recently. He gives it Despite the fact that Luongo has a full effort every night, and when played well for the majority of the you're trying to win the battles season and won a gold medal for down low, you need to know you Team Canada al the Olympics, the have a guy like that between the decision to play Raycroft was an pipes. Nothing against Luongo, easy one, says Vigneault. "We saw but we arc confident in this move that Luongo had a few bad starts to Raycroft just games before the

S

playoffs begin." Other players on the team echoed these sentiments.

11 T like having a goalie," Pavol Demitra said.

The decision has been relatively well received by the public, with the exception of a small, but vocal group of protesting fans of the Canucks. The group, which likens Luongo to cult-icon Chuck Norris, is adamant that the team captain be put back in net.1 lowever, others see the change in a positive light.

A resident expert at the Cascadeoffered his take. "When I'm not too busy cheering for the Leafs and the Calgary flames farm team, I like to watch a Canucks game or two," Justin Orlewicz said. "I think the change is probably a good one.

Go Leafs!"

Muffy: .The Unsung Hero ofArea Polo Match HOCKEY PRANKLEADS Princess JORDAN TOMIRACLE CUREFOR SMALLPENISES S PITCHER

TOKENINDIEKID

JUSTIN ORLEWlatime TOKENJOCK

I

t seems as if a locker room prank has turned into a medical breakthrough. A learn of junior hockey players in South West British Colunibi.i have ~~11 putting Amall amounts of tiger balm in some of their rookies' jockstraps on regular basis. Aside from some slight discomfort for the rookies, a big benefit has been discovered.

Aftc-r months of this painful and funllY treatment toward their rookies, the other players noticed lhal their rookie teammates' penises have been gradually growing in size. After letting the rookies in on what had been happening, the other player decided to cxpcril11cnl with the exact same technique. To their surprise, they also noticed a substantial increase to the size of their penises. Once the team coach caught wind of what had been happening with the players, he insisted that they take their new found discovery public.

The coach brought it to the University of the Fraser Valley's science and chemistry department for further analysis.

After a few months of research by the UFV science dcpa rtment, they found that the junior hockey team's theory was, in fact, valid. There is an ingredient in tiger balm that stimulates the nerves and skin in the penis that gradually swells the penis. After prolonged use, the man's penis will continue lo swell and after the penis heals, it is actually larger. If the treatment is continued, the penis will continue swell and increase a little more in size every

it heals.

The results from each treatment are so minimal that il is hard to sec with the human eye. However, after a lengthy period of application, results begin to show within a month of the treatment. The long-term side effects have yet to be determined, but considering all the natu ra I ingredients in the Tiger Balm, scientists are saying that it is very unlikely that any side effects will appear with prolonged use.

The university is now conducting tests to sec what kind of effects the Tiger balm treatments will have on a man's en:ction - the results arc inconclusive at this point.

The Tiger Balm Company is now

working on a product that will be marketed strictly for the use as pen is enlargement. The Tiger Balm Company has even included the junior hockey team that came up with the discovery in their new marketing campaign. The treatment definitely works but the question remains, do you have the balls to handle the dh;comfort of this new miracle treatment?

louched against the side of his stable, Princess Muffy took a long drag from his Marlboro Light and looked on in indignant silence as his master, Bob Robertson, soaked in the limelight of local news networks.

"This is horscshil," Princess Muffy muttered under his breath before stubbing out his cigarette iJnd lighting another one. "[Long, hacking cough] You know, there was a time - a long time ago - when I believed in polo and what it stood for. I didn't smoke, didn't drink, and only slept with clean women, all in the interest of being the best polo horse I could be. Now, I've just grown so disillusioned with the sport - no, not just the sport, but with life in general, T guess. What's the point of striving toward excellence only to be cast aside once it's achieved? More importantly," Princess Muffy sighed introspectively, "what's the point of living?"

After quite a substantial pause, Princess Muffy producl;!d a flask and took a pull from it. "It used to be that the groupies came lo me first and Bob, parasite that he is, slurped up my sloppy seconds. But ever since Bob started supplementing his income by dealing dime bags of marijuana outside the local high school, the roles have reversed, and lately Bob's seconds have been some of the sloppiest I've seen. His tastes aren't as disce.ming as mine were, and his regard for the legal age is atrocious at best."

Draining the flask, Princess Muffy tossed it onto a pile of spent Doritos bags and a sizable stack of thoroughly thumbed issues of Hustler from the mid-nineties. "It's just not fair, you know? He sits on my back with a mallet while I run in circles around that fucking field and then afterward he 'fronts' me a dime - because obviously my life of servitude isn't payment enough - and soaks up Lhc limelight. [Voice crack!:!)l'm sorry, it's just. .. you know, my name used to be Frank. I was named after my father (god rest his soul), who was named after his father who led the North to victory against the South. lt was a name I carried with honour." Openly weeping now,

Princess Muffy wondered aloud, "Where has my honor gone? Did I ever even have any?"

Turning his sadness into righteous fury, Princess Muffy whinnied mightily and said, while flexing his bicep, "Do you think that little motherfucker out there could do the shit I do on a daily basis? 1 wonder if 1 rode him around the field would the media would still interview him?" Lighting another

cigarette, Princess Muffy began to calm down. "They probably would, man. Jt's all race politics, anyway."

A week after this interview took place Princess Muffy trampled Robertson and his trainer, gravely injuring both. Princess Muffy was found by police two days later, face down in a bathtub at a Ramada Inn, a medley of prescription painkillers surrounding him.

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· Voting will be available on myUFV April 6 & 7.

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