Sex and Relationships

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Sex & Relationships: Indicators of toxic monogamy

CHANDY DANCEY

Monogamy is the concept of having only one partner at a time (sexual and/or romantic). While this is a personal preference and isn’t inherently toxic, the idea of toxic monogamy has been defined as monogamous principles of power and control that have been interpreted and practised in unhealthy ways.

If you subscribe to any of these ideas, know that it’s been taught to you. They have been promoted by the media and cultural norms. It’s in T.V. shows that demonstrate that jealousy in monogamous relationships means we’re loved, in movies that perpetuate the idea that all you need to be happy is a partner, and songs that tell us our partners should be able to read our minds. To unlearn these harmful ideas means to embrace self-acceptance, communication, shame-free relationships, and an overall healthier love life.

Jealousy and possessiveness are indicators of love

Being jealous is a common emotional response that arises when your partner gives their love and time to someone else. But it can become unhealthy when it’s normalised and seen as a desirable sign that means your partner “truly loves” you. Keeping tabs on your partner or having jealous outbursts are problematic behaviours. Instead of being normalised (or even demonised), jealousy should be seen as an insecurity to work on and communicate within relationships. We should strive to base relationships off mutual trust, not a need to have our partners all to ourselves. Love is not in limited supply; loving our family members, friends, or even hobbies doesn’t mean we love our partner any less.

Being in love means losing your attraction to anyone else

It’s a tough pill to swallow, but a necessary one. Although your partner loves you, they’re not solely attracted to you. In relationships, it’s normal to experience physical, sexual, or romantic attraction to other people. This doesn’t mean that they will ever act on these feelings, fall out of love with their partners, or find their partners less attractive. Feelings are natural and impossible to control, but it’s what we do with these feelings that show our character and commitment. If you have a strong relationship, these fleeting attractions will be insignificant in comparison to the love you’ve cultivated together. Another way to look at this is that though your partner might experience attraction to others, they choose to be with you over anyone else (exclusively, if you’re monogamous).

Your partner will fulfil all your needs

This is the idea that your significant other will complete you, and it’s a lot of pressure for one person to assume. Your partner can’t be expected to fulfil all your emotional, social, and physical needs. That’s why it’s incredibly important to have a wider support network of friends and family. When we expect our partners to be our lovers, best friends, therapists, gym buddies, gaming pals, and more, we do ourselves and them a disservice; ourselves because we lose out on the valued connection, new perspectives, and external friendship that everyone needs, and our partners because that task is exhausting, sets them up for failure, and doesn’t allow them to be their own person. Not all your needs or interests will align with your partners, and that’s not only okay, but normal.

Illustration by Brielle Quon

Love will overcome all obstacles

Relationships are almost a miracle in the way they come together: people must be attracted to each other, paths must cross, someone has to gather the courage to make the first move, and both people have to remain invested. There are so many challenges and practicalities that have to be overcome, and sometimes even a strong relationship will be unable to surmount incompatibilities. This isn’t anyone’s fault. Relationships don’t work out for a lot of reasons: wrong timing, distance, differing goals, changing lifestyles, or opposing fundamental beliefs. Not everything can be conquered with love, and calling it quits doesn’t mean your time and love together was any less real, passionate, or true.

If you’ve adopted any of the above beliefs that fall under toxic monogamy culture, accept that it will be a journey to unlearn them, but also so worth it. Relationships are hindered by not allowing our partners to be the living, breathing humans that they are with their own full lives, sets of needs, and separate desires. Sometimes this can be a source of frustration, but it also means that the fact that they’ve chosen us to be their partner is even more significant.