Sex and Relationships

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Sex & Relationships: how to find your next heartbreak online

ANDREA SADOWSKI

I was firmly against using dating apps for a very long time. I used to think apps like Tinder and Bumble were just for shallow people looking for a hookup, and I was only interested in dating people whom I first met in real-life scenarios. It turns out there are not a lot of opportunities for meet-cutes during a pandemic where half of everyone's face is covered most of the time. So, in an attempt to cure my debilitating loneliness, I started swiping.

This article is written from the perspective of a cis-hetero female, so if you are of a different gender or sexual orientation, your online dating experience will most likely be much different than mine. For example, one of my cis-het male friends told me that 90 per cent of the girls he matched with on dating apps were either robots or people trying to get OnlyFans subscribers. However, I think that my advice on building a profile that more people will swipe right on, and safety measures for meeting in person, is applicable no matter who you date.

When deciding on which dating app to use, just remember that it’s generally the same pool of people on every one. It’s happened to me where I’ll swipe right on the same person on Tinder, then again on Facebook Date two months later, then again on Hinge another year after that. People recycle in and out of these apps as their relationships continue to disintegrate and they try to find someone new to fill the void. I don’t think it matters much which app you choose, as long as you are putting a genuine effort in creating an interesting profile and intentionally communicating with the people you match with. You will generally get similar results no matter which platform you choose.

First things first, make a profile worth swiping right on. The pictures you choose and the bio you write are absolutely crucial. Your first photo should be eye-catching and attention-grabbing in a good way. It should speak to your personality, and show your smiling face clearly with no obstructions like masks or sunglasses. No nearly-naked mirror selfies or gym selfies. I don’t care how chiseled your abdominal muscles were the day you took that photo, it does not make a good first impression. You should include one picture that encapsulates your interests — it could be a shot of you hiking, cooking, painting, but for the love of all things holy, please no pictures of you holding fish. I don’t know why every single male insists on a dead-fish photo, but I can assure you that it is wholly unnecessary. Also, if you have a pet, or live with one, include a photo of them or with them, this is important. Don’t use any group photos and don’t include any photos of children (I don’t care how much you love your son/niece/granddaughter/ second-cousin-once-removed, this child did not give their consent to be included in your dating profile).

Arguably the hardest part of making a profile is writing a bio. Clever and funny bios are good, but what is better is a bio that actually says a little bit about who you are and what exactly you are looking for. Don’t psych yourself out too much, though, because no matter what you write,

it’s better than writing nothing at all. Even if all you put is a couple of emojis and your favorite quote, that is better than a bio that reads “I’m bad at bios, if you want to know more about me, ask.” I see so many lame bios like this and it gives me no motivation whatsoever to swipe right on them. Give them a reason to swipe.

But most importantly, be true to yourself. Don’t say how much you love the outdoors if all you enjoy doing is watching Netflix and playing video games. The more honest you are about who you are and what you’re looking for, the more success you will get out of these apps and finding genuine connections on them.

If you’re looking for a serious, long-term relationship, say that. Please don’t do what I did and pretend to be a chill, non-committal girl to attract a fun partner, when deep down inside all you want is to find your soulmate to spend the rest of your life with. This makes no sense. It’s like going through a McDonald’s drive-through and asking for a pizza. You’re not appearing desperate and needy by telling people you want a relationship, you’re just attracting the people who are meant for you and letting those who are not pass you by.

Where dating apps really come in handy is that you can choose your age and location preferences, two huge deciding factors in relationships. Don’t wanna date someone who lives an hour away from you? Limit your distance. Want to date an older gentleman because you’re done playing around with immature boys? Set your age filters to higher numbers.

Now that you’ve built the perfect profile and set your preferences on who you want to meet, you can start swiping. This is where people’s shallow nature really comes into play. We decide if we are interested in potential partners mostly based on the first picture they use of themselves. I am very picky on these apps, and for every swipe right, I will have swiped left around 40 times. Yes, physical attraction is very important, but sometimes people just aren’t good at taking photos of themselves, so don’t base your swipe just on the quality of their photo. When swiping, consider these questions: what do you want in an ideal relationship? How much effort did this person put into making their profile? What exactly interests you about them?

When you’ve swiped right a few times, you are likely to get some matches. When opening up the conversation, don’t begin with a “Hey, how are you?” That’s boring as hell. Instead, ask them an interesting question, or make a comment about something on their profile that attracted you to them. Ask them straight up, “what are you looking for on this app?” Or just ask them an interesting conversation starter to break the ice; my favorite question for a new match is: “what’s your most controversial opinion?”

Try not to spend too much time conversing online. Once you have established that you are both interested in each other, and the person you are talking to is not a total creep, set up a date. Go to a public place. My ideal first date is a walk in a park; that way, you’re not forced to make awkward face-to-face conversation with someone until you run out of coffee or beer. Under no circumstance should you invite them to your place or go to theirs. You still essentially have no idea who this person is; do you really want a complete stranger from the internet knowing where you live?

Tell your friends/family/roommate where you're going on a date, and exactly who you’re going with. Give your emergency contact your match’s first and last name and their birth date just in case. You may think that I am overdoing it with this, but I’ve heard of enough Tinder horror stories that I’m not taking any chances, and neither should you.

I think we tend to know right away whether or not we feel a connection with someone. If there are no sparks flying, say thanks for the date and it was really interesting meeting you. Usually if there is no connection, you won’t be hearing from them and they won’t be hearing from you. If they do ask for a second date, just tell them straight-up that you didn’t feel a connection and that you wish them all the best in their online dating endeavors.

If you vibed with your date, send them a text soon after your date; don’t wait for days. Send them a text once you get home telling them how cute you think they are and that you can’t wait to see them again. Yes, that may feel like a risky text to some, but I try to avoid playing games whenever

possible. Be honest and tell people how you’re feeling; trust me, that's a very attractive quality to have.

Once you have found a connection and you feel settled and comfortable, delete the dating app together. You’ve found your mate. Until it all implodes in your face soon thereafter and you repeat the cycle all over again.

“Be honest and tell people how you’re feeling, trust me, that's a very attractive quality to have”

Illustration by Brielle Quon