Hoboscopes

HOBOSCOPES

CAPRICORN

Remember, Capricorn, three dots make an “S.” Three dashes make an “O.” And then three dots again make a more different “S.” S.O.S isn’t an abbreviation for anything, but it’s an internationally recognized sign of distress, crisis, or a call to emergency action. You said you’re doing fine, I heard you. Just remember that the rest of us may not know your ship is going down if you don’t send out a signal. Blink three times if you understand.

AQUARIUS

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Well, Aquarius, revenge is certainly a dish we love to see served. Hamlet, Sweeney Todd, Carrie, Kill Bill, The Lion King. They’re all about what it takes to balance the scales. But how many eyes for an eye, Aquarius? If you find yourself out for revenge this week, whether it be from a cut in battle or a cut in line at Hardee’s, your thirst for revenge may be better quenched by taking a breath, resting a beat, and thinking about if justice is better doled out by the closed hand or the open one.

PISCES

It’s been a while since you started your mission to explore strange new worlds, Pisces. You’ve sought out new life and new civilizations. You’ve already gone so boldly where none have gone before. You were wide-eyed then. Ready to take on the universe. These days it just all seems the same. You check off the list and leave unfinished tasks in your wake like your mission was only ever to seek and destroy. Maybe you need some shore-leave, Pisces. Some time to rest and remember what seemed so exciting about exploration in the first place. It might be a good time to stay put.

ARIES

“Low blow to the ego!” That’s what the kids on the bus yelled after Toby Stallings said my backpack made me look like a turtle and pushed me down into my seat. They were right, Aries, it was a low blow to my ego. What if Toby’s right about us? But we’re not turtles, you and I. We’re human beings with infinite value. Whatever your inner-Toby has to say about you today, Aries, remember that he was wrong then, and he’s wrong now. So stand back up, tighten the straps on your backpack, and continue reciting Grigg’s death monologue from The Last Starfighter. The world needs to hear it.

TAURUS

Maybe ignoring me is your love language, Taurus. I get it. I’m always tossing you astrological advice (sometimes accompanied by soft criticism.) But I feel like you’re always casting it aside. I know, it’s not your job to reassure your amateur astrologer, but as you move through life this week, pay attention to the voices that are on your team. We know you’re self sufficient and you don’t need much help. But if you hear us rooting for you, give us at least a nod and a wave.

GEMINI

Eastern screech owls will eat just about anything. Spiders, squirrels, leeches, and crayfish all better hide if they see that little shadow flying overhead. But if an eastern screech owl can find a Texas blind snake, that’s a different story. They’ll carry the small snake back to their nest and basically hire it as a housekeeper. The blind snake will eat termites, ants, and parasites that might infest the nest and in exchange the owl won’t eat it or feed it to its offspring. Just remember, Gemini, if you’re in a relationship where your only reward is more a threat than a gift, it might be time to wriggle out of the nest.

CANCER

My mechanic said I can just get a used transmission. She said it’s nearly as good and half the price. I’m not much in a position to disagree. I don’t even know what a transmission does, so I’ve got to trust somebody. And I definitely don’t want to pay double if I can help it. I ran out of money the last time my car died. Sometimes, Cancer, we have to admit our ignorance and let the experts do the knowing for us.

LEO

The best dreams are the ones I have after I hit the snooze button. I wake up with a jolt to an alarm and then fade back out. Suddenly I’m the captain of a ship, but it only floats if you feed it marbles through a tiny hole in the living room floor. We get invaded by pirates and you and I are captured and tied up with velcro and they imprison us in a giant bird bath for 50 years. We grow old there and you discover your true calling as a bird podiatrist, fixing sore talons and cutting toenails. Then the alarm goes off again and I’m awake and alone and it’s only been nine minutes. Live out your passions in waking life, Leo. Don’t leave your talents in my shortest dreams.

VIRGO

I like fajitas, but I never order them, because they always make such a scene sizzling out of the kitchen and I make it a life’s goal that nobody will notice me. Remember this week, Virgo, that sometimes asking for what you want means you may become the center of attention for a while. Honestly, I think we should go for it, Virgo. Assemble your courage, close your eyes if you need to, and place your order — however potentially loud and distracting it may be. It might be uncomfortable for a few minutes, but it’s the way to get to what you really want.

LIBRA

We finished the brownies. All the ice cream is gone. Girl Scout cookie boxes are strewn around the coffee table. Everything has been so sweet and so delicious. But are you satisfied? The Stars say nothing is forbidden, Libra, but you might find it’s time for something more substantial and nutritious. I’m making some spinach and bean enchiladas and you’re welcome to a plateful. But only take what you think will make you feel strong, capable and satisfied.

SCORPIO

Smoking on airplanes has mostly been outlawed since the early 1980s, but every trip still starts with an announcement that “this is a non-smoking flight.” My ex-therapist says some people just need to hear the “no” before they can let the idea go. Pack your bags, Scorpio. Bring whatever you need to get by. But there may be a time when you have to go without, if just for a while, just to share this experience with other people who may have different needs.

SAGITTARIUS

Are we really just a thinking soul inside a feeling body? Western philosophy long subscribed to this sort of “ghost in the machine” theory. The idea that the self is a separate entity from the skin-bag we ride around in. These days, I’m less inclined in that direction. What if you’re all one thing, Sagittarius. You’re a self that is also a body. You’re a body that is also made of the food and water and air around you. You’re a part of a planet that is now thinking about the planet you’re a part of. You’re matter and energy. Neither created nor destroyed but always changing. And you get to make choices.

Mr. Mysterio is still not a licensed astrologer, a trained owl, or a registered turtle impersonator. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1