HOBOSCOPES

CAPRICORN

Sometimes I start telling you a story and I immediately realize that I’ve already told you this at least twice before. Like the one about the hardboiled egg that rolled under the sofa and everybody thought there was a gas leak so we called the fire department but they just contacted the apartment manager who spent 45 minutes berating us for how filthy the living room was. I know, Capricorn, you’ve heard it all before, but thanks for letting me tell it again. It reminds me who I am and that you accept me, even with an egg under the sofa.

AQUARIUS

Just got a call from my financial advisor and he says things are looking pretty grim. Don’t worry, it’s not because of the stock market or international trade laws or real estate prices. He said that the Chuck E. Cheese gift card that I tried to pay him with only had 84 cents left on it and he needs me to come by and cover the bill for three large pepperonis and six rounds of skeeball. Sometimes your numbers take a dip, Aquarius. Luckily friendship is still free.

PISCES

Tie a string around your wrist, Pisces, to remind you of what you already know. Tie a knot for who you’ve been. Tie a knot for who you are. Tie a knot for who you’re always trying to be. And when you look down at your wrist, Pisces, you’ll see that it ties you to yourself, and that you aren’t afraid to tell the truth. You aren’t afraid to be imperfect. You aren’t afraid to hope for more. Tie a string around your wrist, Pisces.

ARIES

I was driving down the highway at dusk, just a couple hundred miles from here, Aries, and in the empty fallow fields I saw something moving. Tens of thousands of white tufts all swaying together. At first, I thought they were just heads of cotton blowing in the wind, but then they started taking off. They were snow geese, Aries, migrating south. And I’ve never seen so many of anything all together and I thought of you. You’ve got somewhere to go this year. Try not to go alone.

TAURUS

In just a few weeks, the most powerful telescope that humanity has ever created will arrive at its orbital point a million miles from earth. Then, the James Webb Space Telescope will point its lens at the dimmest stars we can detect and begin searching for the oldest light in the universe. As an astrologer, I’ve got to say I’m a little jealous. It may not predict the future, but it will see into the past. Where did it all start for you, Taurus? Stare at that faint point of light for a while and try to remember where you came from.

GEMINI

The bumper sticker on the car in front of me is a white paw-shape with black text that says “who rescued who?” I think I understand the sentiment, Gemini, but it got me thinking. Do I worry too much about who I can rescue? Am I too afraid I won’t be rescued myself? If you’re heading out there today trying to save the world, take a breath. You rescued you, Gemini. That’s enough.

CANCER

We got to a new year, Cancer. But I’m afraid that little ball is still spinning in the middle of the screen. Sometimes the new just doesn’t want to get going. It might need a restart. Try counting down to midnight again tonight. That should get you back to factory settings and you can start your year first thing tomorrow.

LEO

Who do you want to be today, Leo? Creative? Caring? Responsible? Now, what might get in the way of you being that person? Vacuuming? Emails? Grocery shopping? If the daily tasks are really in the way of you at your best, then I give you permission to take the day off. But don’t waste this golden opportunity poking on your phone. Go be the person you want to be for the rest of the day. You can buy eggs and green beans tomorrow.

VIRGO

What happens to the characters in the movie after the credits roll, Virgo? I mean, sometimes they get a sequel, but usually we’re just left with a singular story. And it’s not just the main characters I worry about. What about the uptight best friend and the eccentric cab driver? Was it really a happy ending if they aren’t all happy? I’m sorry, Virgo, I just get stressed about endings. Luckily, we aren’t there yet. I guess it’s a good day to bring as much good into the story as we can before those words start crawling up the screen.

LIBRA

That’s a nice, promising future you got there, Libra, it’d be a shame if anything…happened to it. Of course, The Stars aren’t in the business of making astrological threats, Libra. But as your amateur astrologer it comes to my attention that you’re putting a lot of hope in your future unfolding in a very particular way. And as a human being, it comes to my attention that sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. The future is as bright as your willingness to accept what’s coming, Libra. If that seems scary, just remember, I’m going too.

SCORPIO

This seems like a great time for turning over a new leaf, Scorpio! But all the leaves in my yard look pretty beat up. This one’s broken. This one’s half buried in the mud. This one’s just brown on one side and brown on the other. Sometimes you’re ready to turn over a new leaf, but there aren’t any new leaves around. You might have to wait. Try to hang on to that desire.

SAGITTARIUS

200,000 years ago, there were people who looked pretty much like you, Sagittarius. They probably lived in fairly tight family groups and were nomadic hunter-gatherers. I wonder if they ever got lonely. Could they even think about themselves as “alone?” 200,000 years later, it’s a lot easier to feel separate. Here you are, your own homo sapien self. Doing the dishes and wondering if the new episode of Toddler Lawyers is out yet. But maybe tonight, in a tribute to your prehistoric ancestors, you could call someone you care about.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered arborist, or a practicing toddler lawyer. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1