HOBOSCOPES

CAPRICORN

At the beginning of every year as we start the calendar over we think about the ways we’ve been and the ways we’d rather be. So we make promises to ourselves and promises to other people as we step forward into that great “from-nowon.” And then it gets really cold outside and it’s hard to want to do anything but sit under a blanket in the dark with a screen and some cheese puffs. And you’re allowed to do that, Capricorn. Do it til it’s boring. You’re also allowed to start doing all those things you hoped you’d do. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

AQUARIUS

So I figure if you move the bed back under the window, Sagittarius, and then you put the futon on the wall opposite the fish tank, (and get rid of the soft chair with the broken base and chili stains) you’ll have plenty of room to put your dresser next to the closet door which basically gives you an extra corner for your new writing desk. If you don’t have the space for everything you want in your life, Aquarius, get to rearranging. You may have to toss out something that doesn’t serve you anymore, but I think you have room for everything you need.

PISCES

Somebody’s running a generator at the construction site across the street. I don’t mind all the banging and popping and clanking that come from that spot every day, but the constant, gritty, hum of a generator is a bit much for me this afternoon. Sometimes, Pisces, the big, loud stresses of life are easier to deal with than that steady current of noise beneath the whole thing. Maybe stop trying to tune it out today. Give it some time. Focus on it. What’s the hum in the background that’s bringing you down?

ARIES

I set up a camera in my apartment and now I can watch my cat on my phone while I’m at work. It’s so great because I know she’s doing just fine right now and that she already ate her breakfast. Actually, I’d better check on her again...hmmm...she must be around the corner, I’m sure she’s fine. But I wish she’d come back into the frame just so I could be sure. I mean, what if something happened? Maybe I should call my neighbor just in case, I mean...oh...oh there she is. Yeah, she was just under the chair. Sometimes, Aries, a little bit of control is more stressful than none at all. Sometimes it’s better to trust than to try to be in charge of everything. bit right now, Libra, that’s totally normal. In fact, it might save your life.

TAURUS

About 50 million years ago, there lived a furry little animal called a pakicetus. They were about 4 feet long, from nose to tail and looked sort of like a dog with flat ears and a weird long nose like a shrew. Pakicetuses liked living near water and were great swimmers and good at catching fish. As the millenia passed, the descendants of the pakicetus spent more time in the water than out of it and, eventually, they had evolved into the largest mammals on the planet. Whales. You never know where things are gonna end up, Taurus. Just keep doing the things you like and foster what you’re good at. It won’t really matter if you ever get big or not.

GEMINI

I can’t believe I missed Yalda! Waitasec, Gemini, did you miss Yalda, too? Of course, I’m referring to the Persian winter solstice festival that celebrates the victory of light over darkness and is remembered by eating pomegranates to symbolize a new dawn filled with the red glow of life. The good news, Gemini, is that you can keep Yalda in your heart the whole year round. All you have to do is acknowledge the moments when life is flowing and glowing and creating. Stop and experience the light that still surrounds you. That and eat a pomegranate. It’s always a good day to eat a pomegranate.

CANCER

It’s scary out there, Cancer. At least, that’s what my uncle Gaspar keeps telling me. He saw it on the internet. He says it’s worse than it’s ever been and it won’t get better. He says there’s nothing to do but put more cans of food in the basement and buy a better alarm system and a bullet-proof vest. But The Stars tell a different story. The Stars say there are more people working toward hope and justice than there have ever been. The Stars say there’s more food on the planet and more cures for diseases than we’ve ever had. The Stars say you can be a light in this world and it will matter for you and for other people, too. But uncle Gaspar is pretty persuasive, Cancer. I mean, he saw it on the internet.

LEO

You know that thing where people pretend a banana is a phone and they’re getting a call and then they hold it out and say “It’s for you.” There’s only a couple of things you can do in that scenario, Leo. You can laugh it off and change the subject, “Oh, Jeff, you’re such a goof. How’s your kid’s pink-eye?” Or you can take the call. It might seem silly and you might feel a little embarrassed, Leo, but you can’t deny that sometimes a call comes. And sometimes it’s stranger than you expect. And sometimes, it’s for you.

VIRGO

You stayed up till midnight and watched the year change on your phone. You even double-checked the new date on the flashing sign outside the bank across the street. But, for some reason, it seems like everything is pretty much still the same, Virgo. All the problems you had three weeks ago seem to have somehow followed you here. I don’t know how they did it, but I don’t think you can wait another year for them to solve themselves. You might have to face this head-on. Otherwise, I’m afraid your problems will know where to find you next year, too.

LIBRA

Hummingbirds are pretty remarkable. They’re so bright and freaky-fast and then they just float there sipping nectar out of flowers with those impossibly-thin beaks. Their wings beat so fast that if your metabolism was equivalent to a hummingbird’s, you would need to eat about 150,000 calories a day just to survive. But where do they go during the winter? Turns out, hummingbirds are able to enter a hibernation state called torpor. Their metabolism plummets and their body temperature drops by half. If you feel like you need to slow down a little bit right now, Libra, that’s totally normal. In fact, it might save your life.

SCORPIO

If you’re looking back fearfully on the past few months, Scorpio, and if you’re feeling like this new year needs a boost, I’ll tell you what I do for luck. This is gonna sound weird, but first you take a horseshoe, a clover, and a diamond and put them in a bowl. Then you stand outside under the crescent moon and slowly pour milk over them. Next you’re gonna need the heart of a...wait, it might be easier to just eat a bowl of Lucky Charms on your back porch after dinner and hope for the best. I can’t guarantee things are gonna get easier or better, Scorpio, but do something you enjoy today and it won’t be so bad.

SAGITTARIUS

“It could be worse.” I’ve heard you say it so many times, Sagittarius. And I don’t deny it. I mean, just add mosquitoes or mayonnaise to any situation and, there you go. Now it’s worse. But sometimes I think you say it because you don’t believe you deserve better. And you do, Sagittarius. You deserve love and care and honesty and safety. And the next time you’re about to say, “it could be worse,” just remember how much you’re really worth.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a certified cetologist, or a trained interior decorator. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1