HOBOSCOPES

HOBOSCOPES

Capricorn

A recent study showed that 80 percent of those who made new year’s resolutions failed to keep them. Immediately after completing their research, recent studiers gave up on their resolution to not publish any more discouraging data. So how are yours going this year, Capricorn? Even if you didn’t make any, you probably thought of which ones you weren’t going to make. What recent studies often don’t understand is that for folks like you and me, new year’s resolutions aren’t about the statistics. They aren’t about stamina. I don’t think it really even matters how many of us make it all the way to [2023]. Resolutions are a way of taking stock. They’re an opportunity to identify the kind of people we’d like to be. And they’re a chance to take a step in that direction. That’s a kind of resolution you can even make today. So, whether you end up in the 80 percent or the 20, my non-scientific study recently showed that you’ll be better off for having made yourself a promise, even if it’s one you couldn’t keep.

Aquarius

So it’s only been a week or so since we were getting all tearyeyed promising to never forget former acquaintances and whatnot, but I say that sticking with the Auld Lang Syne is just going to get you the same auld results. Aquarius, I think it’s time to make a New Lang Syne. I think it’s time to remember some new acquaintances. To live some to experiences. If you really want to drink that cup of kindness and pick those daisies, fine, it’s time to leave the past behind and take a bold step forward.

Pisces

Alright, Pisces, I’m giving you an extension. Starting today, you have two weeks to do all the things you were supposed to get done in [2022]. That’s it. Two weeks. No late fees. No points off your final grade. You’ll need to get started this afternoon. Make a quick list. Start with whatever is easiest and just keep moving. In two weeks—that’s two weeks from this very moment—your time is up. Whatever you finished is done. Whatever you left unfinished, you just have to let go. Two weeks of looking back and then it’s only moving forward.

Aries

The end-of-history illusion” sounds like it might be a particularly apocalyptic bit of Chris Angel street magic. Unfortunately it’s just a common psychological phenomenon that almost all of us experience. In fact, you’re probably experiencing it right now. The end-of-history illusion is the belief that, although everything has been changing up until this point, the future will look pretty much like the present. Teenagers feel that they’ve grown and changed so much since they were children, but they tend to think they’ll stay relatively the same into adulthood. Adults can see that they’ve learned a lot since they were teenagers, but they assume they won’t change much in the future. Even Chris Angel probably thinks he’ll stay about the same over the next 10 years. The trick is, we’re all wrong. The future will be as varied and unpredictable—as educational and transformative as the past has been. Perhaps more so. We won’t know until we get there.

Taurus

This is the time of year when people go around saying things like “I heard it’s supposed to be cold this week,” and, “They say it’s is gonna get down in the single-digits tonight.” I just have to tell you, Taurus, that I always feel more than a little hurt by those kind of offhanded remarks. I mean, I know it’s unbecoming of an amateur astrologer to be jealous of professional meteorologists, but I am. People act like my predictions are so wishy-washy and unreliable and then you treat the weatherman like he’s never been wrong. Just because I don’t use specific “numbers” or have animated green-screen maps behind me, you act like I’m making all this up! So, Taurus, I’ve consulted The Stars on your behalf and I’ve learned that it’s going to be a cold one this week. It might even get down into the single-digits tonight.

Gemini

Live from New York, it’s not as good as you remember it! Oh, Gemini, you’re always so disappointed by this week’s episode and this season’s new cast members, but isn’t it possible you just have a “best of” memory?

I mean, it’s only natural that you remember all your favorites. You remember the funniest moments and the most influential people. You remember the important conversations and the meaningful relationships. Of course you do. Who could blame you? But when you judge your daily life up against the highlight reel of your past, it just doesn’t measure up. Think of it this way, every season of your life has new characters and new stories and new scenarios. You can compare them to the best of what you’ve seen and watch them fall short. Or you can experience them in real time and learn to accept the average moments so you’ll be paying attention when the exceptional moments arise.

Cancer

Maybe if you just had a sandbox. A sandbox and a little plastic rake and a toy truck with giant tires and a old bent kitchen spoon. Maybe then you could work this all out. It just feels like there’s no time anymore. There’s no time to think because you always have to act. There’s no time to dream because every day they expect you to do. And how could you ever find time to play when you’re always expected to perform. It feels like you’re in a grown-up trap and you just want to get back to the playground. I’ll tell you the trick, Cancer: You’re really still in a great big sandbox. The stakes aren’t any higher now than they were then. Your toys aren’t any more important, you’re just afraid that they are. So learn to play with the toys you’ve got now. If you can’t make this job feel like recess, than you might nee

Leo

Last year was all about todo lists, Leo. This year you get to throw them out. Don’t worry, it isn’t because you aren’t going to do anything. It’s because you’re going to do more. This is a year to do it before you even have time to add it to the list. This is a year to do it as soon as you see it can be done. Lists were for last year. This year, you’re getting it done.

Virgo

Everybody loves a fresh start, Virgo. We all need a clean slate. But what if I told you there’s an even cleaner slate? A slate so clean you could eat off of it? What if I told you that you could have a slate that cleans itself every day? So, here’s the deal, Virgo, January is great and all with all it’s bright shining promises, but I’ve recently learned that January is a totally made up thing. Seriously. The significance of all the days and months on the calendar is totally arbitrary. You don’t have to get to a new year to start making new changes. Make this the year that you give yourself a clean slate every day. Maybe twice a day. Maybe every 15 minutes if you need it. You don’t even have to make a mistake, you can wipe it down just for fun.

Libra

Doctor Frankenstein gets such a bad rap. A new Prometheus, ol’ Victor just tinkering with forces far greater than his own understanding. Briefly harnessing science and nature in an inadequate bridle and then being trampled by the consequences. I mean, just because the guy wanted to do something new everybody acts like he deserves to be destroyed by his own creation. So maybe it’s just a metaphor for art or parenthood or education. I don’t really know. All I can say, Libra, is that when the monsters you’ve created find their way back home you can’t afford to be afraid. You need to hear the creature out. Sit down with it. Have some tea. Get to the bottom of your own story, even if it kills you.

Scorpio

What’s in your basement, Scorpio? I mean, what’s really down there? Not to be weird or anything, it’s just that you’re always talking about how you’ve got to clean out and organize down there, you’re always collecting boxes and acting like it’s a full time job, but you’ve never mentioned what exactly you keep in your basement. I’m beginning to think you don’t know. Of course, it’s personal, but I think it might be important. I’ve just found that if I can’t talk specifically about what’s going on in my deepest depths, I need to do some more digging.

Sagittarius

Scrrraape. Scrrraape. Scrrraape. Just a little more now. Scrrraape. Scrrraape. Now do the back window. Scrrraape. Scrrraape. Scrrraape. Finally, you’ll be able to see the road! It can be so tedious to remove the layers of ice before you can even begin that long drive to work. And it’s exhausting to think you’ll have to do it all over again tomorrow. But you sure wouldn’t want to drive down the road if you hadn’t done the work. It’s the same thing with your insides, Sagittarius. Those fears and resentments and hopelessnesses that build up on the surface keep you from seeing what’s in front of you all day. It can really help to wake up a little bit early and take some time to scrrraape that heavy layer off your soul. It just takes a few minutes alone. A moment to slow down and remember who you want to be. And yes, you’ll have to get up and do it all again tomorrow, but do it all again tomorrow, but it’s just for a season. There's a thaw coming.

These Hoboscopes originally ran in the Jan 8, 2014 issue of The Contributor. Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained storm spotter, or a can of black eyed peas. Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1