HOBOSCOPES

CAPRICORN

“Who’s there?” as everyone knows, is a pretty good second line for a knock, knock joke. But Shakespeare knew it would make a great opening line for Hamlet. You’ll remember that it’s Bernardo, a castle guard, who sees a figure in the darkness. He calls out “Who’s there?” into the night. What a relief to discover that it’s only his night watchman colleague, Francisco. It gets dark out there, Capricorn, and we all need a little relief. If you see a shadow moving your way, don’t run, don’t hide, just call out. Maybe it’s somebody you can talk to. Knock, knock.

AQUARIUS

Sorry I haven’t been around lately, Aquarius. I was pretty sick last week. You’ve probably heard — it’s been going around. I’m feeling much better and I hope you’ve been staying healthy and safe. But if you’re feeling a little sniffle or a cough, I’d just like to encourage you to get somewhere cozy and stay put. We want as much of you as we can get, Aquarius, but this is one thing, maybe the only thing, you should keep to yourself.

PISCES

We experience three dimensions, Pisces. Even without the flimsy red and blue glasses, we walk around soaking up length, width and height. Some say the fourth dimension is time. What if we had tinted cellophane lenses that let us see time in that same single view? If we could look at our lives and see beginning to end without having to wait for what’s next and always forget what came before? But instead we’re stuck with three. Length, width, height. And time blows through all on it’s own, unceasing and invisible. Three is enough, Pisces. Close your eyes and sit in this moment. Let the time wash past.

ARIES

Today I don’t know what to do, Aries. The world is overwhelming. There is too much to worry about and too little to do about it. So I have decided that I’m going to make cupcakes. This is an achievable goal. I know how to begin and I will know when I am finished and then I will have a cupcake. Sometimes you can’t fix any of it, Aries. But you can usually make cupcakes.

TAURUS

I saw your text, Taurus! Sure, I’d be glad to write you a letter of recommendation. Can I just put it here and you can just cut it out? OK, let’s see…To whom it may concern, I’ve been Taurus’s amateur astrologer for a good bit and despite a few notable mishaps and at least one expansive resume gap, The Stars indicate that Taurus will make an excellent candidate for anything you’ve got in mind. Taurus has abilities that even they haven’t fully explored yet, so I recommend compensation above what they think they deserve. Feel free to contact me astrally if you have any specific questions or concerns about Taurus’s future.

GEMINI

Recently, researchers have been training goldfish to drive around on land in tiny cars that are essentially goldfish bowls on wheels. Which makes me wonder, Gemini, has anybody checked on researchers? I mean, are they OK right now? We’ve all got to be looking out for each other and there’s been a lot to deal with lately. So if the people you usually look to for advice and information aren’t quite as responsive lately, or if they have things less together, or if they’re building hot air balloons for spiders, maybe it’s a good time for you to check in.

CANCER

Picture it, Cancer. It’s 9 at night. I’m in 8th grade. I’ve got a report due tomorrow on The Red Badge of Courage and I haven’t started reading yet. So I go out into the backyard and look up into the sky. Half clouds, half clear. I say to the brightest star “Please. Please help me. I’ll do anything. Please.” Thirty minutes later it starts to snow. School is canceled! I’m saved! I spend the day building snowmen, throwing snowballs and drinking cocoa by the fire. I never read the book and decide I’ll just become an ameteur astrologer, instead. Sometimes we misunderstand our own intentions, Cancer. Be honest about what you want.

LEO

You know what the worst thing is, Leo? When your feet are super cold and you go into the kitchen and open the fridge and a full bottle of soy sauce falls out right on your middle toe. OK, I guess there could be one or two things that are worse than that. But why does it hurt so much more when your feet are cold? I know you’ve got things to do today, Leo, but before you get out there where all the falling soy sauce bottles are, maybe take a minute to warm up. Maybe put on some extra thick socks. Maybe give yourself all the advantages you can.

VIRGO

My landlord called to tell me to drip the faucets tonight so the pipes won’t freeze. It reminded me of you, Virgo. I know you’ve been worried that you won’t be able to get that flow going again. What if the pipes are broken already? So today, I think you should just drip the faucet. Turn on that creativity to the lowest setting possible. Mostly, I just want you to see that it’s still there. And maybe you’ll want to let it flow a little more. And maybe you’ll want to let it run all night.

LIBRA

Zzzzap! What even is that, Libra? That thing where you walk across the rug and reach out for the keys and you get zapped with static electricity? You can build up a charge when you pick up extra electrons from the rug. That’s the “static” part the electrons build up and stay put. But then you touch the keys and “zzzzap!” the built up electrons jump off. Sometimes, Libra, you might let things build up that you’re scared to set loose. But I know you don’t want to zap anybody. Try writing it out. Put all that build up on paper just to get it free. Then maybe you can see what you need to share first.

SCORPIO

A hamster in a cage is still a hamster. Sure, it’s far from it’s distant Syrian ancestors, burrowing deep into the dry desert soil and running like wild to escape the fox. It has no need to hoard seeds and fruit or hibernate for a harsh winter. A hamster in a cage is still a hamster. The wood chips and plastic tubes and exercise wheel all point to limitations, but the hamster still runs and digs and sleeps deep. Your borders do not define you, Scorpio. You are fully yourself under whatever constraints. This system didn’t make you any less whole. Still, this might be the night to chew through that latch and run for the window.

SAGITTARIUS

Did you see that little bakery on the corner, Sagittarius? They’ve got fresh muffins and brownies and cheesy egg sandwiches better than anything you’ve ever had! How do you think somebody decides to become a baker? I guess they’re people who realize that out of all the jobs — sales, logistics, government, programming, candlestick making — that the thing the world needs from them the very most is to make their neighbors a cake, a scone, a danish. The people that change their neighborhoods are the people that change the world, Sagittarius. I, for one, am excited to see what you’ll be baking next. In fact, could I get one to go?