HOBOSCOPES

CAPRICORN

I’m writing this from the past, Capricorn. You may remember it. I’m writing from a strange week in an already strange year. And I was just wondering if things are gonna get any less strange in the future where you are. If they do, try not to forget how weird things were just a couple of weeks ago. And if they don’t, well, we got through my week, we’ll probably get through yours, too.

AQUARIUS

Sure, every living human being shares common ancestors. Makes sense. We’re all the same species, and we’ve only been around for 120,000 years or so. But scientists now believe that all humans may share a common ancestor as recently as 3,500 years ago. Like, that every person living on the planet can follow their family tree to the same somebody who was alive around 1,400 BC. It’s not really all that long ago in the grand scheme, Aquarius. At times like these, it’s good to remember that we’re all family, here. So let’s treat each other like families should.

PISCES

Not only was Franklin Delano Roosevelt the only president to be elected for a third term, he was also the only president to be elected for a fourth. But less than four months into his fourth term, Roosevelt died and was succeeded by his Vice President. A couple of years later, congress passed the 22nd amendment which limited presidents to serving only two terms. And it wasn’t because Roosevelt had been so bad, it was more just in case the next guy was. Is there anything in your life that’s running out it’s term this year, Pisces? Maybe you don’t have to give it another shot.

ARIES

Armadillos are one of the only animals known to carry leprosy. Scientists believe that leprosy has been spread among humans for thousands of years but that armadillos never encountered the bacteria until European colonists arrived in North America. Now leprosy has spread among armadillos for generations and as their populations expand in a warming southern United States, they’re starting to give us leprosy back. Sometimes, Aries, you get what you give. What have you been passing around?

TAURUS

You’ve been selected to take part in a brief astrological survey, Taurus. How satisfied are you with your most recent horoscope? Would you describe your experience as “Transcendent,” “Very Helpful,” “Helpful,” “Not Very Helpful,” or “Enraging?” Please speak your answer out loud now. Mr. Mysterio is always working to improve accuracy for you and every Taurus. Come to think of it, Taurus, this would be a good week for you to speak out loud about your level of satisfaction with a few other things, too. To exit this survey, simply look away from the paper and say “exit survey.”

GEMINI

They said it might snow tonight, Gemini. I hope it does. I like how snow kind of erases everything it covers and makes it all the same. Just some soft shapes and shadows with no detail. It’s like a giant reminder that everything you can see is just one thing. All houses are the same house. All cars are the same car. Even if it doesn’t snow tonight, Gemini, it’s a good time to imagine all those details you’re so focused on and all the sharp differences you’re afraid of covered in a soft,uniform blanket. It's all one thing.

CANCER

In 1885 Louis Pasteur successfully tested the first rabies vaccine. In those days, dog bites came with a much greater likelihood of rabies. Pasteur discovered that because of rabies’ long incubation period, the vaccine he’d developed could be administered after the bite and still prevent the subject from ever developing rabies. I know your wound was recent, Cancer, and that you’ve been pretty hard on yourself for not being more prepared. But it’s not too late, friend. You can start caring for yourself today and pretty soon you’ll be as good as new.

LEO

It’s about time for an oil change, Leo. Sure, you could go another few hundred miles and I’m sure everything would be fine. But if you do it that way this time, you’ll probably do it that way next time and the time after that. Eventually it starts to make a difference. Give yourself the everyday maintenance you need right now and you won’t have to worry about it so much tomorrow.

VIRGO

Historians refer to him as Ramses II. The ancient Greeks called him Ozymandias. He was one of the most important pharaohs of ancient Egypt. Ruled mightily, conquered enemies, and built marvels. My pal Percy Shelley even wrote a poem about him. He calls out from the dust of his monuments, “Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!” So I’m just dropping in, Virgo, to remind you and any other Ramses you may know that there are greater things than building an empire. The compassion you show and the love you give may not be remembered in a millennia but they’ll bring a lot less despair.

LIBRA

When I was a kid my family dog broke her hind leg. The vet said it was no big deal. He set the bone and said she needed to rest, stay still, and heal. No running, no jumping, no playing, no chasing squirrels in the backyard and no getting worked up barking at the garbage truck. It was just a few weeks, but for me it felt like forever. Waiting for my dog to be a dog again. By spring the bone had set and she was back to running, and jumping, and playing. I know it feels like too much to get through right now, Libra. I know it’s hard to wait. But this might be the time to rest, stay still and heal.

SCORPIO

The earth used to spin much faster, Scorpio. The solar system was fresh and chaotic and the new earth would spin all the way around in just six hours. If you were to stand on that equator, you could watch a sunset and three hours later watch it rise again. But then something happened. An impact with another small planet or asteroid. And a piece of the earth broke off and over time became the moon. And the earth slowed. And the earth and the moon spun and tugged on one another with their gravity until we entered the rhythm that we now call a day. Things may seem chaotic right now, Scorpio. And that impact was so hard. But it’s almost time to slow down. A new rhythm is on the way.

SAGITTARIUS

I think Phil Connors is one of the greatest characters in all of American literature. I’m sure you remember, Sagittarius, that Connors is the character played by Bill Murray in the 1993 movie Groundhog Day. Connors is a weatherman who becomes trapped in a small town reliving the same day again and again. The only thing he can change is himself. So he does. Sometimes I feel trapped in a town, in a day, in a pattern. But I think of Phil. And I do my best.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a certified egyptologist, or a trained television meteorologist. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1