HOBOSCOPES

AQUARIUS

In the Nimba Mountains of west Africa, a new species of bat has been discovered. Myotis nimbaensis has bright orange fur and black wings and is fairly adorable. They stand out, so researchers knew pretty quickly they’d found something new. I know you’re tired of waiting, Aquarius. I know it seems like all the good things have already passed. But there’s something new coming for you, too. Just keep your eyes open and look up every once in a while.

PISCES

When most people think about Saint Valentine, they think of hearts. Other people think of skulls with flowers on them. What I mean is that if you’re ever in Rome and find yourself at the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin you may encounter a display featuring the alleged skull of St. Valentine wreathed in flowers. It reminds me, Pisces, that not everybody sees today the same way you do. Sometimes it can help to come at it from a different point of view. Ask around.

ARIES

These are Velveeta times, Aries. I guess what I mean is that It’s a process. Learning to deal with the grief, fear, and loneliness that accompany the passage of time is a lifelong process. And Velveeta cheesefood-product also undergoes a specific and arduous process in order to become exactly what it’s meant to be. Think about that on these cold days when all you want to do is eat warm cheese dip and watch TV. It’s all part of the process.

TAURUS

You are, of course, familiar with the heart symbol, Taurus. The heart was an emoji before there were emojis. It’s been used as a signifier for love since the 12th Century, possibly earlier. First they became common in medieval religious art and then you drew them all over your science notebook when you were in 3rd grade. You’ll probably see some today. Maybe in an ad or on a bumper sticker or under a tweet. If you’d like to see more of them, Taurus, you may need to start sending more out. But be careful, they tend to multiply.

GEMINI

How many people do you see in a day, Gemini? It’s probably not as many as it used to be. I know it’s not for me. Sure, I can find ways to keep up with my family and friends. There’s phone calls and texts and all that. But it’s the loose connections that I’m missing lately. All the people that you’d see for just a moment. Long enough to say “hi” or “how’s it going?” or just “excuse me.” Remember how you feel today and that we’re all a little lonely. Remember that everybody you miss is missing somebody too. And when you do see them again, maybe pause and talk a little longer.

CANCER

The weather guy said it was gonna snow but it didn’t. I wish I’d looked out the window before I ran out here in my big puffy coat with my snow shovel and sled. I also wish I’d grabbed my keys off the table before I locked the front door behind me, but I was fumbling with my mittens and I forgot it. Sometimes you don’t get what you expected. Sometimes you have to face your day anyway. If you want to come by, I’ll be out in the front yard making mud angels.

LEO

Hey, Leo, do you wanna make pancakes? I found a great recipe. You just need flour and milk and oil and...well, wait, there’s one commenter on here who says these are too dry unless you add a half cup of Sprite. And another guy who says they’re only good if you swap out the salt with onion powder. I’m not sure who to trust anymore, Leo. But what if we just ignore the comments? What if we just follow the recipe and then decide for ourselves what changes to make? Sounds like a plan! Did you bring any eggs?

VIRGO

In Finland February 14th is called ystävänpäivä. My Finnish pronunciation is terrible, but I’ve been told it translates to “Friends Day.” Starting in the 1980s a few people in Finland decided that making Valentines all about romantic love was a little too limiting. They decided it should be about celebrating all forms of friendship. The great thing is, Virgo, you don’t have to be in Finland for it to work. In fact, you don’t even have to wait for February 14th.

LIBRA

As you may imagine, there are a lot of disadvantages to having hookworms, Libra. You may have fatigue, anemia, or abdominal pain, just to name a few. But hookworms also release a chemical that can reduce a person’s allergic response. People with hookworms often report no longer suffering from seasonal allergies at all. Sometimes we stay in relationships with parasites longer than we should because they convince us it’s paying off. When you’re ready, Libra, there is a cure.

SCORPIO

How many hearts do you have left, Virgo? I mean, I know you only have your one heart, but I’m asking in the video game sense. Like, when your character keeps getting hit with fireballs or hammers and each one takes away a half a heart. The last thing you want is to get down to zero. If you don’t feel like you have a lot of hearts left, don’t worry. You might just need to save your game and log out for a while. You can come back whenever you’re fully charged.

SAGITTARIUS

Why didn’t you tell me, Sagittarius? I had always assumed that baby-corn was its own vegetable. Like, yeah, it looks like corn, but surely it’s just some related plant that produces a smaller, sweeter, more chewable cobb. But it turns out, baby corn is just corn. It’s just corn that isn’t grown up yet. And you knew it the whole time. Maybe you were right. I wasn’t ready. It’s probably good you didn’t tell me. Just because you know the truth doesn’t mean you have to say it. But at least think about why you aren’t.

CAPRICORN

Sometimes I drop stuff, Capricorn. I don’t think of myself as particularly clumsy, but sometimes I just get distracted and I’m moving too fast and going too many directions at once and SMASH! my glass of grape juice hits the floor. It happens. And it’s messy. But it’s nothing to make too much of a fuss over. If you’re spending more time this week mopping up messes than drinking delicious grape juice, Capricorn, think of me and take a deep breath and slow down.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a certified salad-bar technician, or a trained reliquarist. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1