HOBOSCOPES

AQUARIUS

It’s quiet out there, Aquarius. Maybe a little too quiet. Tell you what, let's go out and take a look around just to make sure nothing’s going on. You go out the front way and I’ll meet you up around the corner. Hey, while you’re out there, maybe you should look around a little bit. Maybe you could take a few deep breaths and get your legs moving. Leave your phone in your pocket and take a look at those clouds. It’s quiet out here, Aquarius. Almost quiet enough.

PISCES

The duck-billed platypus has no stomach. The duck-billed platypus is a mammal that lays eggs. The duck-billed platypus has venomous spurs on it’s heels. The duckbilled platypus can sense the electric fields generated by all living things. The duck-billed platypus has no car, no wallet and no sense of self-doubt. The duckbilled platypus knows exactly what it wants. I think you are more like the duck-billed platypus than you know, Pisces. Which of your platypine qualities will you work on this week?

ARIES

If I had a time machine, I think the first thing I’d do is go pick up some really good mozzarella sticks with marinara sauce. Then, while those sticks were still crispy and hot, I’d get in my time machine and go back 15,000 years into the past and find some of our prehistoric ancestors out hunting and gathering and I’d give them that whole order of mozzarella sticks. I assume it would be such a life changing experience that it would triple the pace of global human development. It would really give those neolithic folk something to strive for! But, I guess we can’t change the past, Aries. Stil, you’ve still got some choices about what to do with the rest of your day. How bout some mozzarella sticks?

TAURUS

It’s water in every direction. Just you in your little lifeboat. The sun rises and sets over the ocean and you drift alone for another day. But I’ve got a feeling, Taurus, that there’s about to be some land peeking over that horizon. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. And when you see it, I hope you’re ready to disembark. You’ve been out at sea a long time.

GEMINI

There used to be a pet store in the mall. You might pick up some slacks and a pretzel and then swing by the pet store and get a puppy or a parakeet. It was extremely convenient, Gemini. Like, you’d get done at the movie theater and then accidentally pop over for some fish food or a carpet python. But lately, Gemini, you never go anywhere except for the places you mean to go. Maybe you need to end up somewhere you didn’t mean to be. Maybe just go in the next open door you’re invited to. You might end up with an iguana you didn’t know you needed.

CANCER

You remember the time, Cancer, when your history teacher assigned you to interview somebody in your family so you could write a report about your own connection to history? I interviewed my grandfather who had traveled through Europe before World War II. It sounded so long ago and important.I was thinking, Cancer, that these days you and me are the family members who have lived through history. You’ve seen some things these kids today don’t know about. Share the stories you’ve got. Don’t let future generations forget about flip phones and Two and a Half Men.

LEO

This is it, Leo, it’s your time to shine! I knew there was some reason you memorized all those facts about state capitals and their major exports and this is it! But before you rush out onto the stage for your big moment, give yourself a quick check. Shoes tied? Cumberbund fastened? Tophat angled just so? Alright, Leo, if you’re ready, get out there and tell the folks what they need to hear.

VIRGO

An archeologist needs patience, curiosity, and a good brush. If you’re going to find out what’s in here, Virgo, you can’t just go digging and poking, you’ve got to be more gentle. Brush off the first layer of dust. Still can’t read it? Brush away the second layer. We’ve got a ways to go, but I think you’re getting somewhere, Virgo. Take your time. You’ll get to the bottom of this.

LIBRA

My middle name is my Dad’s first name. His middle name is his grandad’s name. But nobody calls me by my middle name. And nobody calls my dad by his. We’ve all got markers to remind us where we came from. Sometimes they point to family. Sometimes they point to history. Sometimes they point to things we’ve done to break away from both. What’s your middle name, Libra? What else tells you where you’ve been?

SCORPIO

“Measure twice, cut once.” Carpenters are always saying stuff like that, Scorpio. I get it, they want to make sure you don’t make a change you can’t take back if you’re not sure. But I’m an ameteur astrologer, not a carpenter, Scorpio. I think you’ve measured enough. If you’re ready to make the cut, make the cut.

SAGITTARIUS

My dog likes to sleep on the worn-out bath mat in front of the toilet. I figured it was because her dog bed had gotten old and flat. So I went out and bought a new dog bed. It’s brand name, memory foam, orthopedic, extra durable and triple soft. But my dog still wants to sleep on the bath mat. Sometimes we need a better place to land, Sagittarius. Bus sometimes we’re just fine where we’re at. All I know is, this dog bed is way more comfortable than my futon.

CAPRICORN

Sometimes science and religion seem to be at odds with each other, but one thing they seem to agree on is that before there were people, there was mud. Before we had a planet teeming with life, we needed a formless ball of water and dirt. And the stuff that made that mud ball is the same stuff you and me are made of, Capricorn. I like that quote about how we’re all “stardust” and all that. That’s nice. But sometimes it helps me more to remember that we’re all made of mud. You’ve come a long way for a mud ball, Capricorn. I can’t wait to see what you’ll do next.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered archeologist, or a mall herpetologist. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1