HOBOSCOPES

PISCES

Sometimes I think about how different the world would be if you were in charge, Pisces. Everything would finally be in its right place. There would be enough parking spaces at this grocery store. We wouldn’t get bills in the mail for bills we already paid online. There’d be less ketchup and more mustard and no mayonnaise at all. But here we are in the regular world instead. You’ve got great ideas and a real knack for implementing them. But there will always be some things that are outside your control. Meditate on that while you circle the parking lot one more time.

ARIES

What should we have for dinner, Aries? We’ve got frozen pizza or frozen burritos or ramen. The ramen isn’t frozen. I swear this kitchen was full of new groceries yesterday but today it’s just all the same three things we’ve always got. Sometimes changing a habit takes more than a trip to the store. You have to make a plan and stick to it. I’ll throw a pizza in the oven, you write down some ideas for how you’d like things to be.

TAURUS

How much do you think about time travel, Taurus? I think about time travel a lot. I think about people from the past coming to the present. I think about people from the present going to the future. I think about people from the future going to the past. Honestly, I find it to be a helpful exercise. It’s a good reminder that we are at a very specific point in time. That we can’t see the whole picture. We can remember the past or worry about the future, but we’re always only ever just right now. Like, what would you do if you could go back? What if you did that now, instead.

GEMINI

Suddenly, there are blossoms on the tree across the street. Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m ready for all that. I was just getting used to the idea that nothing was ever going to change again. In fact, I was starting to count on it. But you can’t hold this stuff back. Things thaw out, Gemini, and we’re gonna have to deal with it. Meet me under the tree across the street and we’ll go for a walk and come up with a plan.

CANCER

I think about a time when I was 4 or 5 years old and my mom took me to the grocery store. She was unloading the cart onto the conveyor belt, but I was distracted by the soda machine up front. I asked if we could buy one. She told me “no.” So I got mad and ran over to the soda machine and punched the Mountain Dew button as hard as I could. And a Mountain Dew came out. She let me keep it. Sometimes when you express how you feel you get what you want, Cancer. But maybe do it with more tact than an angry 4 year old.

LEO

You’ve got your sword. You’ve got your shield. You’ve got the helmet you won in the catacombs and the fire-talisman that the old woman in the desert gave you. But every time you go out to fight the dragon, nothing seems to work. You get the incantation wrong and you drop the vial of basilisk tears into the ravine. Don’t worry, Leo. I’ve seen this before. If it’s not working today, just give it a rest. Go to the blood marshes and practice spearing grobolins until you get your groove back. Get better at what you’re already good at. You can slay that dragon another day.

VIRGO

It’s raining again, Virgo. And it’s not that I mind. It’s beautiful, really. It’s just that it makes everything I was already doing a tiny bit harder. And that’s how it’s felt lately. Like all the things you usually do are getting done, they’re just a little bit harder than they normally are. And, as usual, you’re pushing through. Doing all the things you gotta do. But rainy days are good days to ask questions. Could it be that that extra weight is a reminder that these aren’t really the things you wanted to be doing anyway? What could you do instead?

LIBRA

I want to go to the movies this weekend, but I’m not sure I can handle it, Libra. Like, there’s the one where the preview has a dog in it and I just don’t know if I could handle it if anything happened to that dog. I’m just not emotionally equipped for a movie to make me fall in love with a dog and then something terrible happens and…I can’t even think about it. What stories are you telling yourself that make you angry or sad or scared, Libra? Maybe you could tell a different one.

SCORPIO

And another thing, Scorpio. What’s with all the holes in swiss cheese? You’d think it would cost less than regular cheese, but no! If anything, they charge more and you know they know it’s full of holes. How much more of this are we going to take? Anyway, you were probably looking for some astrological insight or cosmically-aware advice. Sometimes you’ll find that here, but sometimes what makes something truly special, are the spaces in between.

SAGITTARIUS

The Swamp of Sadness. The Pit of Despair. The Bog of Eternal Stench. Some places tell you exactly what’s going on right there in the name. But every restaurant in this town, Sagittarius, tries to be a little more subtle. They name it something obscure or intriguing just to get you in the door. It’s never “The Hallway of Grilled Shrimp,” it’s always “Tails!” So what do you call the place, Sagittarius? The place you’ve been stuck for the last couple months. Give it a name. Be honest.

CAPRICORN

The rabbit in the yard heard me open the door and has frozen completely still. He thinks I can’t see him if he doesn’t move. Reminds me of something you might pull, Capricorn. Stay still until everybody leaves and maybe they won’t notice you’re there at all. But this week I dare you to make your location known. Keep bouncing around. Maybe even say your own name out loud. We see you Capricorn, the only question is whether or not you’ll hop our direction and join in.

AQUARIUS

You know that thing where one person says “see you later, alligator,” and the other person is supposed to say “after a while, crocodile.” I think that always makes me sad, Aquarius. Because really, it’s just a goodbye. And goodbyes are hard, even when we pretend to be large, dangerous, semi-aquatic reptiles. If you need to say goodbye to anyone or anything this week, Aquarius, I just want you to know that it’s ok to feel sad about it. And we can talk about sad things even if they stay dry and don’t rhyme.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a registered time machine technician, or an extant crocodilian. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1