HOBOSCOPES

HOBOSCOPES

PISCES

What do you throw away in a week, Pisces? Like if you saved every empty can and each used to-go box and if you held on to all the wadded-up paper towels and all the crumpled plastic bottles, and if you spread that flood of trash out in the driveway what patterns would you notice? Could you use less? Could you reuse more? What about on the inside, Pisces? What thoughts are you discarding that you could keep? What feelings do you let pile up that you could just let go of? Spread it all out in the driveway and see.

ARIES

Make a little time today to be still, Aries. Maybe just close your eyes and breathe for three minutes before you get out of your car to start your shift. Or on your lunch break you can sit out on the porch and watch the birdhouse in the yard next door. What if you turned off your camera during the Zoom meeting, relaxed your face and your eyes and took a few deep breaths? Maybe you had to sell your time today, but you never have to sell your soul.

TAURUS

Lucky Mike, Timmy Two-Sips, Alice the Skunk, Ball-and-Chain Bill, Tall Deb. These are just a few of the people I met while walking through the mall this morning. They call me Messy Mysterio there, either because of the salsa stains on my shirt or the cat hair stuck to my hoodies. In any case, it makes me feel like I’m part of the crew. What do people remember about you, Taurus? What would they call you if you could choose? You can head down to the old mall and let Nick the Namer pick one out for you. Or you can start putting the best of you out there and see what comes back.

GEMINI

If you really want to hear about it, Gemini, then we should go all the way back to the beginning. Byzantium was an ancient Greek city founded about 2,700 years ago. Byzantium is long gone, but you can still buy a ticket to Istanbul and when you arrive you’ll be standing right on top of it. So if it never went away, at what moment was it not Byzantium anymore? Was it when Rome took over and changed the sign to “Constantinople”? Or was it when taxi drivers in Izmit added “Istanbul” to the rate sheet? It reminds me, Gemini, that you’re still who you were before all the changes. And it reminds me that you’re completely not who you were before either. Keep changing into whatever you need to be, Gemini. We’ll still come visit.

CANCER

Giraffes don’t get much sleep. Just about four hours everyday. And they mostly don’t lay down. They take standing five-minute power-naps between bites of leaves. It’s because giraffes are sort of the Cheez-Its of the Serengeti. All the predators love them. And, I guess, evolutionarily they’d rather be sleepy than dead. So they stay awake. Just in case. You are not a giraffe, Cancer. Your brain may be tricking you into thinking that the first-quarter labor-report due at the end of the week is a cheetah, but it’s not. Get some sleep, Cancer. Lie down, even. Your problems may have fewer teeth in the morning.

LEO

Your experience may be that everybody’s trying their best. You see racist, sexist, homophobic, practices and policies come and go, but people are mostly kind, right? Unfortunately, Leo, your experience is not always your friend. Sometimes you have to look at and listen to the experiences of others to get a full view of the situation. All these people with their best intentions may not be hurting you, but keep an eye out for who they are hurting. You might start to notice that the “best intentions” of some people stomp on the basic needs of others. If your basic needs are met, you might be able to stand in the way.

VIRGO

Imagine that you’re one of those water bugs that glides across the surface of the pond. You skitter along allowing the tiny hydrophobic hairs on the ends of your long, thread-thin legs suspend you in the surface tension of the water. You feel a pull on your knee from a stray water particle. Mandibles flex as you realize there’s a tiny spider that is struggling in the water and you stride over for the meal. You do float above the rest of us sometimes, Virgo. You need so little and you’re so light. But maybe this time you could help somebody out who’s not as buoyant.

LIBRA

They say three is a magic number, Libra. They say that, and then they do a bunch of math that I don’t understand and they show pictures of triangles twisting and tables tipping and tricycles tricycling and I don’t know what it all means so I have to assume they’re right. But there is something about things that come in threes. The first time, it’s just an event. The second, it becomes a possibility. But the third time makes a pattern. What positive magic could you make into a pattern today? Do it three times and see if the spell is cast.

SCORPIO

If you’re happy and you know it, slow your roll, Scorpio. To put it another way, we built this city, and we should be able to paint it whatever color we want. A rock in the road is an obstacle to go around but a stone in the pocket can be useful in a pinch. Are you picking up what I’m laying down here? Because I’m a little lost. What I can tell you, Scorpio, is that when it comes to advice, take what’s helpful and be willing to leave the rest on the page.

SAGITTARIUS

There’s a lock of your hair that someone keeps in an old film canister in their middle desk drawer. And now they’re stitching together a tiny cloth doll that looks suspiciously like you. And as they add the finishing touches and weave your hair onto its tiny head, I can’t be sure whether or not it started moving. My chair is shaking slightly as I write this, even though I know it isn’t true. You’re in control of your life, Sagittarius, even if it feels like somebody else is pulling the strings. Be your own voodoo doll for once.

CAPRICORN

My grandmother used to tell me that things wouldn’t always be this hard. She’d smile and say that all things must pass and that this would too. Then the feedback in her poorly-fitted hearing aid would begin to squeal and she’d sigh and pull herself up on her walker to find a more comfortable position for her hip. And she’s right, Capricorn, things won’t stay this way. Sometimes they’ll even be better. And it’s true, too, that in all the best case scenarios we get old and eventually grow feeble and finally die. I think she’d remind us not to get too caught up in any one moment, but to lean forward and enjoy the movement through.

AQUARIUS

My first job was scooping ice cream for minimum wage at a place between a jeweler and a fried chicken joint. Everything since has been a bit of a letdown. Maybe we all just want to get back to simpler times. When we knew what the job was and when to stop. Maybe today you can set your open-ended work aside and scoop yourself some ice cream. You’ll know when you’re finished.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained letterbox filler, or a registered whistler. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1