HOBOSCOPES

ARIES

As an object falls toward the earth it accelerates until it reaches its terminal velocity. If that object is an average squirrel, the drag created by the shape and size of its body as well as its buoyancy will result in an impact with the ground at a speed the squirrel can survive. To put it another way, no matter how far a squirrel falls, the fall is survivable. I know it feels like you’ve been falling for a long time, Aries. But what if you knew for sure that you were the squirrel? What if you were sure you would survive this? How would you think about all this falling if you knew that your life will begin again once you hit the ground?

TAURUS

We’ve sent people to the moon. We’ve eradicated polio. We communicate instantly across the globe. But we still don’t really know how freshwater eels reproduce. I mean, we’ve got some good guesses. They seem to mature in rivers and lakes and then return to the sea where they converge in an area near The Bermuda Triangle and...something happens. It seems to result in baby eels. We’re just not sure exactly how it plays out. Remember, Taurus, that when it seems like there’s no mystery left, you might just be looking too far from The Bermuda Triangle.

GEMINI

I had a dream about you the other night, Gemini. I mean, it wasn’t exactly you. Kind of a combination of you and the cashier at the drive-thru smoothie place. In my dream you were worried about something but you didn’t want to tell me what it was. I said I’d make us some smoothies to keep your mind off of the worry. Then we laughed because we both knew my blender is broken. When I woke up, I realized that I’d been wrong in the dream. That if you’re worried, Gemini, there’s no need to keep it a secret. This is a great time to talk it through.

CANCER

I remember one time when I was a kid and the power went out. Everything went dark and I was scared, but my mom found some candles and my dad opened a package of marshmallows and we sat in the living room listening to my sister tell ghost stories and laughing. It probably only lasted 45 minutes and then the lights suddenly came back on. Dad went back to the TV and mom got on the phone and I had to go do my homework. Sometimes things going back to normal is as scary and lonely as when things got weird in the first place. But remember who you were in the dark and who you wanted to be. That’s still you.

LEO

So I guess it turns out money isn’t even real, Leo? Give me a second here, I’m just finding out about this. Money is just a system we’ve all agreed to participate in where human labor is turned into numbers in a computer at a bank that tell you how many chicken nuggets you can buy? Pretty crazy. So if money isn’t real, Leo, then what is? I know you are. And everybody you see today is, too. However much money you’ve got, it’s enough to say hi to folks, check in, let them know you’re glad to see them, and ask if they might want one of your chicken nuggets.

VIRGO

Do you still have that bike, Virgo? Do you think I could borrow it? I’m trying to get outdoors more and running is so hard on the knees. Maybe I could just use it, like, two days a week and then you could have it the other days. You’d love getting out there on the trail, zooming past the joggers with the wind at your back and the wide world in front of you. Pedalling wherever your wheels can take you. Honestly, Virgo, maybe you should just take it out for a spin and you can let me know how it went. I’m gonna see if Libra will let me use their skateboard.

LIBRA

“Nature abhors a vacuum” is a statement attributed to Aristotle. (We can’t very well leave a statement like that hanging out there unattributed.) I think I’m beginning to see what he meant, Libra. It seemed like you might have a lot of free time over the past few months, but the time filled itself right up. Days will be filled whether we fill them or not. You can get away with letting nature make your schedule for a while, but I think it may be time for you to get back in the driver’s seat of your free time, Libra.

SCORPIO

If I were stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire and no jack and I only had 5% battery left on my phone, I think I’d call you, Scorpio. I mean, I know you aren’t just sitting at home alone with nothing better to do, but I also know you care and you’d help me get it figured out. It’s an unusual person who can solve problems in a crunch the way you can. I just hope you know that just because you’re so good at helping, doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help, too.

SAGITTARIUS

It’s been a weird day, Sagittarius. But, then again, aren’t they all? Sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting for a normal day so I can start a new project or get things organized or check in on my status. But if it’s always a weird day, I can always find an excuse to avoid those things. On this weird day, Sagittarius, give yourself permission to do the things you’re waiting for a normal day to do.

CAPRICORN

The owls are back outside my kitchen window. They show up every year. I’ll be cooking dinner and hear a low “who-who-whooo.” And I usually stop and think, well, he’s got a point. Who exactly am I? Who do people think I am? Who do I want to be? I think about those questions and I make some dinner and I go that much deeper into myself. But maybe we could take those questions differently this time, Capricorn. Who needs my help? Who can I call? Who could I connect with more? If you’re worried about missing the questions, Capricorn, or getting the answers wrong, the owls always ask again.

AQUARIUS

In 1846 a horse was born. His name was Sampson and he still holds the record for the largest horse ever documented. Sampson stood over seven feet tall and weighed more than 3,000 pounds. Though he was never photographed, we will remember this enormous horse forever. Or, more likely, until another bigger horse comes along. Honestly, even if you were a 3,500 pound horse, Aquarius, it still wouldn’t be enough to make sure you’ll be remembered for all time. Love the people around you. Let them love you back. They’ll remember you for their whole lives and that’s enough.

PISCES

I’m so tired this week, Pisces. It’s suddenly even harder to get up in the morning and all I want to do after I get home is take a nap. Springtime is supposed to be this glorious thing when the world comes to life and everything begins anew. But if you’ve had the kind of week where you don’t feel like beginning anew, Pisces, you don’t have to. Take a nap. Stay inside. Turn off the lights and watch a movie. Make the springtime come to you.

Mr. Mysterio is not a licensed astrologer, a trained pharmacist, or a registered horse. Mr. Mysterio is, however, a budding intermediate podcaster! Check out The Mr. Mysterio Podcast. Season 2 is now playing at mrmysterio.com. Got a question, just give Mr. M a call at 707-VHS-TAN1